× This section is for feedback and discussion about in progress Fabrication Lab works (before the story is 'published' to the site, at which point use the commenting system or the Evaluation section for formal reviews).

If a author is open to discussion/feedback on their story, they will create a thread for it to take place in... if no thread exists, it means the author prefers to work without feedback at this time. Authors may also make a post and just ask that any feedback be sent via PM instead of public posting.

Posting rules: Only authors and staff may create threads but all registered members can post replies.

discuss Nowhereville

More
2 years 5 months ago #52066 by Anne
Anne replied the topic: discuss Nowhereville
I am driving on with the story between job searching and other activities. How quickly the next part gets up I don't know... I have a little more granular time I need to do, and then I think I can do a scene shift... I hope!
The following user(s) said Thank You: Wavehead

Please Log in to join the conversation.

More
2 years 5 months ago #52075 by Mister D
Mister D replied the topic: discuss Nowhereville

Polk Kitsune wrote: All right. I got through the whole story, and it has been an interesting read in a way. There's definitively some good points, and others where there's signs where improvements woudl really help it. Might be a bit easier on me, since Transformations in general is a guilty pleasure for me.

The concept of Kelly's situation is very good, I'd say. A kid who's just been through the worst moment of his life, all the way to being beaten and... Well, the less said there, the better, I suppose, but mentally wounded when he finds a spirit to bond with, that he loses himself to the animal spirit in the process. He's so detached from the world that at first, he's simply taken for the ride, taking the surprises as they come, and only responding on instincts. He doesn't want to think about his old life, doesn't want to think about what happened to him, so when Coyote takes over, it's easy to give in, and be the animal. Even the surprises of being a dog, and quickly later, being a girl doesn't seem to faze her all too much. There's barely a reaction.


One way that this could be interpreted, is of an Avatar that has a spirit that is waayyy... too big for their hallow.

This interpretation would also fit with the reactions that Sally is having towards the transformed Kelly.

She's seen this sort of GSD before.


Even more worrisome too, is the fact that she might like being the coyote, that life is so much easier this way. Calmer, without too much trouble. That she might just forget human life at some point. She doesn't want to be just wild, but considering the troubles she had as a boy, and then being a girl too, she hesitates between the two (Although, personally, I can't help but picture how cute she might be as a puppygirl). But the struggle of the story, the big plot of it is for her to find help from this whole mess, see if she'll change back, and what help she can find as a whole.


More work for Dr. Bellows...


The process, the journey she's taken does make sense, and although she mostly relies on instincts for the first part, they mostly make sense, even describing how different, and maybe uncomfortable a dog's life must be, including eating raw meat and garbage. And things get complicated when those necessities become scarce. Getting help makes sense, and she's lucky she found someone who could tell she was more than just a wild dog. Maybe a little too lucky, but at this point, I don't know how quickly you want to speed things up, or what your end game will be.


Possibly a touch of Odds Mangler too...


This is where I'll have to admit, I just wana hug, pet, and cuddle the fluffy dog girl.

{snip}

If I had one part I also had to mention woudl be by the last part posted right now, when Sally and Agent De La Santos talk to each other, while Sally calls Whateley. Sally called Kelly over, but as Kelly pointed out, she did nothing with her then. There was no reason to call her there... At least, no IC reasons to do it, but as a writer, I've got a suspicion why. You needed to write about that call, and what that would entail from it. Unfortunately, since your whole story is written from the protagonist's perspective, you needed Kelly there to get the conversation. Unfortunately, pointing out that Kelly was there with no purposes shows your hand on this, and will break the immersion once more. If I had a proposition, the talk could have simply happened by the RV where Kelly was laying down, and she overheard, or you could have have Kelly hover around close to Sally the whole time, feeling safer around her.


This could also be worked around by Sally saying to Kelly, "Stay close, girl," while glancing at the local police. Add in some absent-minded petting while Sally's on the phone, to confirm that Kelly had a reason to stick around.

Hrmmmm. As for the coyote spirit being the Coyote, I have only gotten a glimpse of him in Kayda, and haven't reached the end there, but it doesn't quite capture the same feel. This once seems much more animalistic, wild, running on instincts. The fact that he was debating with a girl spirit at the mention might also show he's not as independent as he might be, for a spirit that lived for eons.


Coyote is Coyote. (When he is not being a dead goose by the side of a lake.)

Different tribes have different tales of Coyote, but they are all about the same sapient.

We won't know till we get to Whateley, and, Kelly meets another person who has had contact with Coyote, as to which aspect of Coyote, Kelly has met.

As for a last bit of criticism, are you sure about the title? Sure, you mention it at the beginning of the story that Kelly considers his hometown to be in the middle of nowhere, but it certainly isn't part of anything else in the story, certainly not a central part of it.

That being said though, I'm still liking it, and I do look forward for more. It's a little rough around the edges, could use some polish, but the concept is there, the journey is done well, and it does get better as you go...

Plush I really wana snuggle puppydog girl Kelly. >> <<


Looking forward to the next part of your work. :D


Measure Twice
The following user(s) said Thank You: Anne

Please Log in to join the conversation.

More
2 years 5 months ago #52078 by Anne
Anne replied the topic: discuss Nowhereville
There are two things going on with Kelly, at least in my mind that cause her to become a coyote. First when the spirit enters his hallow he is near death and badly injured. He is also in burn out, partly because his mutation is trying to heal all the damage he has undergone. This of course makes things worse as far as putting him on a death spiral. I put a fountain there (considered a pond) to give him a place to get into at least cool water... So like in my other story the spirit gives maybe a bit more of herself than she intended, now she's in Kelly's hallow, it is a might small granted, but as Kelly has some shifting ability that allows her to shift and heal at the same time.
As far as Kelly getting called out from under the coach, she didn't hear it, but the police asked Sally to call her out. I had the focus so tight on her that I'm not quite sure how to work it in without having a rough area. I suppose I can work that in a bit. Like I said, I have the first two chapters up as a google doc if anyone wants a link to them so they can comment inline there.
As I mention in my blurb about this chapter, I think I can get the rest of what I need done in granular time in about another 2500 words. It may only be an hour or less granular time, then I can pull the focus back away from Kelly for a bit, or at least summarize some days. After all to a certain extent, once you get used to it travel becomes a routine, this time with a coach rather than afoot, but basically wake up, watch the road go by, maybe figure out how to get Kelly using some sort of tablet computer... but mostly beyond that wash, rinse and repeat and not necessary to watch every moment of time.
The following user(s) said Thank You: Mister D

Please Log in to join the conversation.

More
2 years 4 months ago #52180 by Rose Bunny
Rose Bunny replied the topic: discuss Nowhereville
The story is progressing, which is good... I think it is good overall, but to me it's taking quite a while to get somewhere.

small thing in the last part. You used martial several times, instead of marshal.

High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan


The following user(s) said Thank You: Anne

Please Log in to join the conversation.

More
2 years 4 months ago #52185 by Anne
Anne replied the topic: discuss Nowhereville
Spell check errors are the bane of modern writers! Thank you for reading and commenting. I'm doing my best to keep from getting to turgid here, There are things that need to be said, and issues to explore. These are first drafts in reality, I'm just doing my best to get them down while the muse dictates!
The following user(s) said Thank You: Wavehead

Please Log in to join the conversation.

Moderators: WhateleyAdminKristin DarkenE. E. NalleyelrodwNagrijMageOhkiAstrodragonNeoMagusWarrenMorpheusWasamonsleethrOtherEricBek D CorbinMaLAguASouffle GirlPhoenix SpiritusStarwolfDanZillaKatie_LynMaggie FinsonDrBenderJGBladedancerRenae_Whateley
Time to create page: 0.091 seconds
Powered by Kunena Forum