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Twinkle twinkle little Starlight! Feedback

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4 years 7 months ago - 4 years 7 months ago #5629 by Malady
Malady replied the topic: Twinkle twinkle little Starlight!
Huh...

Greatdingo wrote: shines, flies and heals wounds?


Feels like a Prism Expy, but that might just 'cause I was researching the New Olympians last night...

Greatdingo wrote: “And please try and remember, honey, no one at Whateley knows who you are, who you used to be.”


What... Did she/he kill people or something?

...

It feels like we need more backstory... 'Cause I don't know enough about her to know why I should care? I do care, but her past is possibly too vague to be intriguing?
Last Edit: 4 years 7 months ago by Malady.

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4 years 7 months ago - 4 years 7 months ago #5633 by Greatdingo
Greatdingo replied the topic: Twinkle twinkle little Starlight!
You might be right about that, but backstory will come. Absolutely.

I thought I'd explain her manifestation as part of that whole backstory a bit later in the story. But you might be right, It might be too vague.

Oh yeah, and there's someone named PRISM? Mayhaps I should look into that.
Last Edit: 4 years 7 months ago by Greatdingo.

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4 years 7 months ago #5634 by Greatdingo
Greatdingo replied the topic: Twinkle twinkle little Starlight!
I just quickly popped over to the wiki to read about this Prism dude and I gotta say...

POOP! That is pretty much EXACTLY the same as Starlight (apart from the whole olympian thing.

gosh darnit.
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4 years 7 months ago - 4 years 7 months ago #5636 by Malady
Malady replied the topic: Twinkle twinkle little Starlight!
Umm... I think Valentine wants you to change your title...

Valentine wrote:

Malady wrote:

Valentine wrote: For the fanfiction authors, when you start a thread for Feedback, Critique, etc. could you add that to the title? I go to the website and see two identically named threads, and then wonder which is which.


I know, right?

The problem is that titles get so long that adding a word can't be done... Or requires cutting out some of the title, which looks even weirder?


If Archangel can get this for a thread title

RE: A Darklight Burning Brightly, Feedback please

I think that adding a single word would be possible for most titles (Unless you plan on some of the chapter titles that Elrod and Diane used.)

Last Edit: 4 years 7 months ago by Malady.

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4 years 7 months ago #5637 by Greatdingo
Greatdingo replied the topic: Twinkle twinkle little Starlight! Feedback
A yup!

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4 years 7 months ago - 4 years 7 months ago #5655 by E M Pisek
E M Pisek replied the topic: Twinkle twinkle little Starlight! Feedback
As had been already stated, a good first draft.

Here we have a girl going through anguish in that she's trying to build up her self confidence. She's trying to justify her abilities as being in the 'super' hero side not knowing if they are. It seems she has the support of her mother (no mention of a dad) as well as with her trying to cope.

Also some pronouns would be helpful as maybe a bit of follow through of thoughts. I have noticed a trend going on from many newer writers. Not just the online but those that have been published. Its as if their attention span is short and it reflects in their writing. Taking shortcuts by 'cutting' out necessary verbiage as if they were dictating on an phone and trying to save space. It become too jarring in that it takes away from the story flow as I trying to formulate whats happening.

Another, and this may be from the formatting process on the site is that there is no space between sentences thus making it look like its one big paragraph. I'm not trying to dig, just pointing out that this also takes away from reading and may turn others away from wanting to read what could be a very good story.

If done right, backstories can be brought in later or if this page was expanded then the backstory could be incorporated into it. Each story has its own way of coming along.

But from just reading this, Ariel comes off as being a little whinny as with a low 'attitude' problem, that mom seems to quell easily. Makes me wonder what type of boy she had been before.

What is - was. What was - is.
Last Edit: 4 years 7 months ago by E M Pisek.
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4 years 6 months ago #5838 by Greatdingo
Greatdingo replied the topic: Twinkle twinkle little Starlight! Feedback
Thanks for the feedback.

So, I've been thinking about the whole PRISM thing and I've decided I don't care. Sure, annoying as it is to discover your character is very similar to a pre-existing character, I'm not going to let that deter me.

Here's a few reasons why.

I was unaware of Prism when I started writing this story and similiarities between characters will always be unavoidable. Second, Starlight is a character I used in an RPG not long ago, which again was based on my character from City of Heroes.
I'm going to go a different route with Starlight I think, than Prism (from what little I've read) but there will be similiarites in their powers.

It does mean that I might incorporate Prism into the story and have some fun with that.

Ib12us, thanks for your feedback, but if I could ask you to clarify what you mean with your last comment about Ariel coming off as whiney, I would appreciate that.

Thanks.

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4 years 6 months ago #6775 by Greatdingo
Greatdingo replied the topic: Twinkle twinkle little Starlight! Feedback
I've decided to scrap it all and start from scratch because I hate it and I wish it would burn in a nuclear hellfire!

yeah...

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4 years 6 months ago #6777 by Malady
Malady replied the topic: Twinkle twinkle little Starlight! Feedback

Greatdingo wrote: I've decided to scrap it all and start from scratch because I hate it and I wish it would burn in a nuclear hellfire!

yeah...


What? Why? It's not the Prism thing is it? 'Cause it's not like there aren't tons of people with similar powers. Like all the Speedsters for example...

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4 years 6 months ago #6780 by Greatdingo
Greatdingo replied the topic: Twinkle twinkle little Starlight! Feedback
Not at all. It will be about Starlight as I have presented her so far (slight alteration may occur).

I'm just not at all satisfied with what I've written so far, so I'm going to take a different direction. The overall story remains the same, but the path is slightly different.

I'll still include Prism in the story, because I figure I'll have a small "side-story" about how the Light-benders are considered to be jokes compared to other energy types. I know that's not really true in the Whateley 'verse, but it's something that'll figure in quite nicely in my story.
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