Question Kitsune 2: A Second Tale of Two Tails

February 15, 2007
Seattle, WA

I awoke with a gnawing emptiness inside. It wasn’t hunger, at least not a physical hunger. I was still at the Squire’s HQ building; apparently everyone had just let me sleep whatever it was in one of the spare rooms. There was sound from the main room, but it was quiet. I moved to sit on the edge of the bed while trying to assess the strange sensations churning inside me from somewhere that didn’t seem to really exist.

It was a lack of something. A void that should be full and wasn't. It was like needing the warmth of the sun after being stuck underground, needing to feel the salt air after being stuck in the middle of the Great Plains, or being desperate for a symphony after being shoved into a sensory deprivation tank. That place inside of me where I reached when blinking was void; the gnawing an echo reverberating in a cavernous pit. It demanded to be filled, and somehow I seemed to know a way to do it.

I shifted back and forth on the bed, licking my lips before getting up and slinking into the outer room. Peering around I saw Luis sitting on a chair watching a Spanish televised Soccer match drinking a soda. No one else was around other than the two of us. He peered over as I started walking towards him purposely. “Hey, Tails. Feelin’ better? Gave us all a scare there.”

“Yes, thank you,” I said as I looked straight at him. I was perhaps ten feet away now, sliding across the room. “I am a little thirsty though.”

“Want a soda? I got a few here…”

“That’s not what I’m talking about,” I interrupted him as I moved onto his lap, straddling him as I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him deeply. He was surprised, speech suddenly cut off for a minute or two before we came up for air.

“Whoa… Chicka…”

“Shut up,” I said as my right hand snaked down towards his belt. I shifted down, sliding off his lap as I knelt before him.

“Chicka, I really don’t think…” the sound of his zipper moving silenced him for a moment. “Oh, Dios mio…” he let out before there wasn’t any more talking.

*****

“Dude!” Max exclaimed at Luis as I listened from one of the side rooms. Claire had already given me a dressing down before she had to go back to work. Rather it had been more a conversation of concern about certain realities, which I was already well aware of having a wife and two daughters. IUD and condom both, thank you very much. That had been taken care of within a week or so of my change, not that I was happy about having to do it at the time. She had obviously been unhappy about it but retroactively there wasn’t very much she could do. Truth be told, I wasn’t exactly sure how I felt about what happened myself.

The gnawing emptiness was gone. Now I was stuffed like a good post-Thanksgiving meal. Actually, that was a bad choice of words there. I mean to say that internal void that wasn’t was now full. It felt… warm, like freshly baked bread. Damn it, no, not a bun in the oven. Ugh, the innuendos were assaulting me even in my own mind.

“I know, I know. I didn’t do it! I mean, I did but... she started it!”

“The fuck?!” Max replied, gesturing around at the HQ as a whole.

“Look, I know there was a bit of clothes scattered around, but we totally cleaned those up! I mean, nothing happened on tables or chairs or anything, and it was all totally clean.”

A low growl emerged from Max as he glared at Luis.

“Look man, I know I talk a lot a shit but I wasn’t going to do a Thing, EVER. The only reason anything happened was because she started it, and she wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

Max brought a finger up, pointing it directly at Luis. He shook his hand in a very threatening manner. “Dude…”

“I know, man, trust me. I would Never do anything to hurt her. Besides, she’s an adult… I mean… well she IS, even if her ID says she’s 15, but even that way she’s only three years and…”

He was losing, and I felt bad. I needed to save him and go and get some air. I walked out into the main room, making a show of getting my long brown coat. “Thanks Luis, I really needed that. Don’t feel like you have to stick around on my account, you boys have fun and play nice now.” I waved over my shoulder as I turned and walked out the door. I paused just on the other side as it closed ever so lightly behind me.

“So… we cool?” Luis asked to break the silence I had left in my wake.

“Yeah… we’re cool,” Max replied.

Breathing a sigh of relief I worked my way outside. Rounding the side of the building I quickly blinked a street or two over and stood behind a dumpster. Making sure no one was around I quickly bent at the waist and proceeded to throw up all over the ground. A lot.

I felt disgusted with myself, like I was unclean or covered with a film of filth. I suddenly really understood all the references to the “Walk of Shame.” What was most disturbing was that I hadn’t felt any control or influence from Siona who was in fact strangely silent. What had happened was all me which in many ways was the worst part of all. What it meant I didn’t want to think about right at the moment.

Once I was done heaving whatever was in my stomach I decided I really needed to just take a walk. Wiping my lips on a sleeve I turned and began heading along the shoreline. I didn’t really have a destination in mind, I just needed to move. Maybe I was running from the scene of the crime, or literally trying to put it behind me somehow. I’m not a shrink; I just know I felt like I needed to go so I did.

After some time I began to realize I was heading sort of North West, since I was approaching the Freemont Bridge. It suited me as a destination much as anywhere else did so I didn’t worry about it too much. Just walking around gave me a chance to be lost in my own mind. At least that’s what I thought I was doing before I sensed… “It.”

Apparently “It” was calling to me somehow. What exactly I was sensing or how I was doing it, I had no idea. Before I knew it I was under the bridge itself, looking at the troll.

The Freemont Bridge Troll was a local sculpture built in 1990. Big, giant, waist up troll grabbing a VW Bug, with a hubcap for an eye, sculpted coming out of the ground under the bridge. It was pretty large; I mean the sculpted troll was grabbing a full sized VW Bug for crying out loud. Only now that I was standing here… something felt off. I had never felt it when I had been here before, but that was… well… Before.

Now though… this whole place felt odd. A stray thought ran into my mind; Faeries loved places that were the mergers between worlds. Crossroads, shorelines, bridges, mirrors. Places where worlds met. Could it… was it possible that perhaps the statue wasn’t Just a statue? I mean, conspiracy theories sound odd and over the top and all, but I wasn’t foolish enough to deny that things went on that ordinary folk weren’t informed of.

Could it be that the Freemont Troll really WAS a troll? Something sealed away inside of a statue or the statue built to cover up something? If I acknowledged that apparently I now hosted the spirit of a Kitsune out of myth, what other sorts of creatures from legends and myths that I had thought to be mere fantasy before actually existed? It was a realization that ballooned all sorts of out of proportion very quickly. It was almost like a second childhood was coming to a close; that the world you thought you knew was actually a lie, a fabrication meant to shield you from everything that was actually going on and now as a grown up you were expected to deal with all of these things that you hadn’t even been aware of.

And in a way, wasn’t that exactly what had happened to me? Twenty years of my life spent surrounded by lies. How much of everything had been done because it was real, and how much because it had been expedient or needed to appear that way?

It was a chilling series of thoughts that came without an answer as I stood under the bridge, face to face with a troll.

February 16, 2007
Seattle, WA

“Alright, Siona, what gives?”

The Twin-tailed Fox sighed at me from where she sat perched atop the closed toilet nearby. I was ironically actually in the shower. “I was half hoping you’d forget about it so I could figure out the best way to apologize.”

“Not very likely,” I said with a frown and grimace. I still was of very mixed opinion on what had happened. It certainly was never something I thought I would have been involved in, particularly given my new physical state of existence. That being said, I can’t say the … physical sensations … hadn’t been extremely pleasurable.

She blushed. I think. I mean, if a fox blushes what color do they turn? More red? Less red? How did I even know she was blushing? More little things that I tried to not worry about.

“I wasn’t trying to hide anything from you. Honestly I didn’t even know that would happen to you. I mean, you aren’t a full Kitsune yourself so I had no way of knowing it’d come up. I mean, it’s not like I’ve exactly done this before.”

“Siona, I’m not angry.” I was fairly certain that was true. “What happened?”

“It’s kind of an involuntary defense mechanism,” she finally said. “You had used a lot of your Quintessence throughout the last week and you finally got to the point where you’d ran out. We Kitsune… well most people can’t do this, but… ugh, this is embarrassing.”

“Embarrassing for You?!”

“Alright, fair point. People expend some of their Chi when they um… through sex. Kitsune have the ability to take that expended Chi and turn it into Quintessence directly. No, it doesn’t do anything to your desires or take over, it’s just something we can do. Your body was just trying to get more Quintessence by the quickest means possible in case you needed to defend yourself or use your powers to survive.”

“So what, like some sort of animal instinct thing?”

“More or less. I honestly didn’t think you’d be affected by it. It shouldn’t be too hard to avoid in the future, we’ll just have to keep a closer eye on how much of your energy you’re expending and make sure you don’t get too low.”

I sighed and closed my eyes, letting the water run over me in the hot, steamy shower. This was definitely not something I had ever thought would be happening to me. Then again, what man does? Or woman now, I suppose. Girl. Hell, I didn’t even know what pronoun really truly described myself anymore.

“So that’s why you were staying away then.”

“I thought you needed some time. That and I wasn’t sure how to explain… I mean, I should have thought of this and I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. Like you said, you had no way of knowing it was going to happen.” Regardless of how I felt about it (which I still wasn’t sure about) she hadn’t meant any malice. Honestly I still wasn’t sure exactly how old she was. If the old adage of a tail per hundred years was correct she was at least a hundred. Or was it at least sixty-ish because you added our ages together? In either event, what was that for a Kitsune anyway? Teenager? College aged? She didn’t strike me as an old, experienced individual. This meant that she probably really hadn’t done anything like this before. “We’ll just have to figure it out together as we go along.”

“Thank you for understanding and not being angry, I honestly am just trying to help.”

“I know. And I thank you for it.”

“You’re welcome.”

Suddenly she was gone and I was alone under the shower. I wasn’t sure exactly how long it had been. My skin wasn’t burnt or anything, so I wasn’t too terribly worried. Turning off the water I got out, wrapping a towel around my torso and using a second one to dry my hair. It seemed I was having to relearn just about everything about myself. I left the bathroom to go about the rest of my day.

February 18, 2007
Seattle, WA

It was a few days later that I managed to set the kitchen on fire. No, I didn’t make any errors with the stove. I’m actually relatively competent in the kitchen. I mean, I’m certainly not a chef nor do I make little portions of three bites of elf food. I do alright though, and no one has ever complained about what I make. It… well maybe I should just say what happened.

There I was, just cooking something for Claire and me to eat. In actuality all I was really doing was making ham and cheese sandwiches, buttering the outside and putting them in a Panini press for a lightly crusty yumminess, and adding bagged potato chips. Big, complicated process right? Well as Claire and I were talking about her college course work and how her classes were going, the counter behind me (which had nothing plugged in on it at all) spontaneously had several globes of blue-white flame floating above it.

Let’s just say things went downhill from there. I mean floating blue supernatural balls of fire in a kitchen; what would you think happened? So about an hour later, after adventures with water, fire extinguishers, and all sorts of kitchen disaster I was sitting in the Seattle Knights HQ having a conversation with Tome.

“Alright, so you’re telling me I have this… Essence stored up inside me. It just fills up all on its own over time, and if I boil over because there’s too much these little flamey wisp hobgoblins show up to keep me from overcharging?” I asked.

“Essentially, yes. That is a relatively accurate summation.” Tome nodded as he responded. I still liked him. His extremely scientific approach still irked me from time to time, but he was nice and very sincere.

“And why didn’t this happen before? I mean, do I have to make sure I run around fighting killer robots or risk yet another Seattle fire?” Yeah, because we really needed another Seattle Underground from a great flaming disaster in the city’s history.

“Not at all. What I can do is show you how to practice storing some of your essence in a vessel external to yourself. This will create sort of a reserve battery for lack of a better term, and allow you to make sure you don’t ‘boil over’ to use your own terminology. Over time you should grow more proficient at managing and holding essence which should reduce the frequency of your spills. Another benefit of the reserve is having Essence you can tap into in case of emergencies if you should use all of your gathered Essence.”

Hunh, I wonder if that was related to that empty feeling I felt… I quickly blushed and nodded. It was something for me to ask Siona about in the future. If I could stave off being so starved, well, at least I hoped it was just Essence starved. Suddenly a thought occurred to me that warranted asking. “Do you think something like this may be the source of the magical Pearl in Kitsune myths that was supposed to hold part of the Fox’s soul?”

“That is a very astute suggestion,” Tome said with a smile as he considered. “I can definitely see merit in the idea as a basis for the legends. Most legends are grounded in fact, after all, and we are in a way rediscovering that which has been around for millennia. It would not surprise me if a great many legends are actually based upon magical facts or practices.”

I considered for a moment, then on a hunch took the Crann Bethadh medallion from around my neck. Silver and jade were both supposed to have powers depending upon which legend you read, and it had a great deal of personal significance to me. If I had anything that was supposed to be a treasure with a bit of my soul in it any more, it would be this medallion.

Tome smiled and nodded. “Very good. Let us begin then.”

February 19, 2007
Seattle, WA

Trans-Siberian Orchestra - "What Is Eternal"
Album: Beethoven’s Last Night (2000)

And here in the night as I feel the inferno
I stare in the dark thinking what is eternal
The man or the moment the act or the reason
These thoughts fill my head as I contemplate treason

Of dreams I have had and dreams I have pondered
When late in the night my mind it would wander
To things I have done and then quickly regretted
While denying vices my life had selected

And I think what I've done or have yet to begin
And the man I've become and the man that I've been
Now caught in a waltz with the eternal dancer
I'm courted by death but death isn't the answer I say

All I was meant to be
Could I suddenly just decide
Not a thought would survive
Could it be my life's worth
Ended there with my birth

If I could see someone who's been there before me
And traded his soul for a moment of glory
His penance or mercy by spirits debated
While judged on a scale that's been heavily weighted

And what have I done could there be such a sin
In this man I've become, in this man that I've been
Now calling to God from the pit's very bottom
I pray he forgives every sin I've forgotten this day

And who would've thought that my fate it would conjure
This twist in the road on which I have wandered
Each vision and dream now completely dismembered
To give one's whole life and find nothing's remembered

And what good is a life that leaves nothing behind
Not a thought or a dream that might echo in time
The years and the hours the seconds and minutes
And everything that my life has placed in it betrayed
Betrayed, betrayed

The things I have done the places I've been
The cost of my dreams the weight of my sins
And everything that I've gathered in life
Could it be lost, could it be lost in this
Could it be lost in this night


I sat outside on Claire’s balcony, facing the starry evening over Seattle. The sounds of the late night city traffic rolled through the air, a strange melodic river of tones echoing off the buildings. A mixture of salt air and humanity assailed my nose as the tears ran openly down my face. A nearly empty bottle of mead sat beside me next to my cell phone. It had, much to my shame, been unopened when I had started drinking it.

Scattered on the kitchen table inside were the pages of some admissions packet and knowledge test, perhaps only half complete. Half, and not for lack of trying. The most difficult part to admit was that it was simply gone.

As I was putzing about the house earlier I had found it over on Claire’s desk. It had a Post-it note from Agent Bob. “Have Conner try this. I hope my boys are wrong – Bob”

Being the smart ass that I am, I was now of course obligated to try and work my way through the packet. By doing so I made the rather painful discovery that led to my current state on the balcony. I had thought that taking a test on things I already knew would be a piece of cake. I was wrong.

My knowledge and academic memories were scattered, as full of holes as a block of Swiss. Some things, like cooking, fencing or music I had complete recollection of. I could do those tasks and remember how and why with perfect clarity.

Others… I was not so lucky. I had been stumped by the math question of “9x = 27, solve for X” for pity’s sake. Algebra! Basic algebra, and it was simply gone. Apparently the US was involved in a war in 1812 too, not that I knew that any more. It seemed anything that required a fact or figure or could be looked up in a book simply didn’t exist in a place I could find it.

Siona had tried to explain about halfway down the bottle. She had been crying. I could almost feel the pain radiating off of her when she had spoke to me from where ever it was she did that from. Something about Burnout destroying my body, which wasn’t a huge surprise. I mean, I had been shot probably at least a dozen times, then add on whatever changes that Anna’s blood triggered and losing perhaps 40 per cent of my body mass. Yeah, I still understood percentages but I couldn’t do basic math.

She had fought to save every aspect of myself she had recognized. Every memory of my life was still there, events that had happened. My wedding, the birth of my children, graduating college, high school even. Apparently things she recognized as skills and art she fought for. But she could only do so much.

She had grieved in shame, begged my forgiveness for having failed. How could I not thank her for the fact that I was Alive? The fact I was even here was more than I had any right to expect.

Still, it did little to help me feel better after she had gone and I was left to contemplate the horrible reality of the situation. I mean, what did you do when everything you ever were was gone? Your identity, everything you had worked for over decades, the knowledge, skills and qualifications to be able to have a normal life. Poof.

I knew I wasn’t handling things well or even remotely appropriately. At the moment I didn’t much care. Allow me my sorrow. Give me my moment of darkness where I wonder if it’s worth waking up the next day. A human has the right to ask for that much.

The worst part was I didn’t have the love of my life, my partner, to hold and shelter me in my grief. And I wouldn’t ever have her here again.

I will admit that a small part of me thought for a fraction of a second about just stepping off the balcony. I didn’t do it, nor looking back do I think I was or have ever been truly suicidal. There’s just a short thought that if you were dead you wouldn’t be hurting, you wouldn’t have a giant pile of steaming putrescence to deal with. That it would be easier if you just… weren’t.

I picked up my phone and scrolled through the contacts until I found the one I needed. Waiting a few moments I began to speak to a voice mailbox. “Agent Klein? This is… This is Catherine Fox. I tried to take that test and… I need that school. The one Anna’s at. Please give me a call when you get this tomorrow.”

I hung up and let my head lean back against the wall, tears still streaming down my face as I set the phone back down on the balcony. I’m positive Claire didn’t know I saw her turn away from looking at the sliding glass door, tears in her own eyes as she went towards the kitchen.

Ceasing to be might be easier, but it wouldn’t be right.