Question Tink's Story Corner

This is Tink's Story Corner, where she tells funny stories that she's heard around campus in her own special way.

Food Fight (Parody retelling of Wine, Women and Ayla)

It was last term, when they had the cooking contest to decide who would get the pretty, nubile, Ayla, the two competitors Addy and Vera, would do anything to win. They'd already had a brawl in Crystal Hall that had sent five students to Doyle, and it took everything she had for the Headmistress to keep them from killing each other in her very office.

Now the stage was set, they had celebrity chef Gordon to judge, and when he went back into the kitchen to look at the menu, everyone waited tensely to see what he would say.

Ms. Hartford stroked Chef Gordon's manly arm. "This is Adalie Vitesse, one of ..."

Chef Gordon's look of disdain turned to surprise. "Of Vitesse cognacs, by chance?"

Addy blushed prettily, staring in adoration at his rugged good looks. "Oui," she replied softly, licking her lips. "You 'ave 'eard of papa's cognac?"

"Of course," he said, the look of disgust returning ten fold. “Absolute dog piss. Oh well, maybe you can make something of it. What are you preparing today?"

Addy ran away at top speed, a handsome security officer suddenly found himself being hugged quite strongly by a pretty young teenager, who bawled into his shirt. Just as suddenly she was gone, standing once again before the chef, her eyes red, and her lower lip shaking as she fought back still more tears. "For an appetizer, I will make a crème brulee of foie gras with a hint of cognac. My entrée is a beef tenderloin in a cognac-cream sauce, with mashed gold potatoes, and broccolini."

“Well maybe there will be something edible there. What about dessert?”

"A chocolate layer mousse cake with cognac and bittersweet chocolate," Addy replied proudly. "It is one of papa's favorites."

“Oh god, are you trying to get us drunk?” He let out a huge disappointed sigh, muttering about how he would see less alcohol in a pub full of football hooligans.

“I 'ave cooked with cognac all my life. Chef Daphne 'as 'elped me learn 'ow to cook so that the cognac is a subtle addition to the dish, not an overpowering presence,” she insisted.

“Yes, yes, I'm sure your chef Daphne is a wonderful cook, for a cheap, greasy pub that only hangs on because they've managed to destroy any sense of taste among it's patrons,” he sneered evilly. “Ms. Hartford, I've heard enough, who's the other cook?” he asked.

As Ms. Hartford led him to the other side of the kitchen. Addy once more disappeared, gone to hug a very nice looking senior, stroke the arm of another handsome officer, and throw herself into the arms of Hank, where she sobbed on his shoulder for a full minute.

**

Ayla sat at her table, silverware in hand, a napkin around her neck. "Food, food, food. Yummy, yummy food," she sang.

**

“Good afternoon, young lady,” Chef Gordon said so coldly that people throughout Crystal Hall shivered.

"Our other contestant is Primavera Villabianca," Ms. Hartford introduced the girl.

Vera held out her hand for Chef Gordon to kiss. “Of Villabianca Wines. My family prides itself in world-class vintages, that are always of the highest quality. I'm sure that even your British palate will be amazed at how wonderful and amazing it is.

“Oh sod off with the attitude.”

“I am close personal friends with everyone in the royal household of Monaco. And have learned from the best chefs of the royal household. You must respect me,” she said, sticking her nose high into the air.

“Don't put on airs with me girl. I've eaten at the royal household of Monaco, a drunken cafeteria server could make better food than them,” Chef Gordon said.

“How dare you!” she shouted, tossing a tomato at his head.

Somehow they managed to get the two separated before any real damage was done.

**

"Food, food, food. Yummy, yummy food!" Ayla continued to sing.

**
Vera looked over her fish, tapping them with a fork. They should be soft and flaky, instead the fork bounced back as if it had hit a trampoline, she may possibly have discovered a new type of building material. Looking over at Adelie, she saw the girl zipping around like a bat out of hell doing half a dozen things in the same time it took her to do one.

Gripping her charm bracelet, she unleashed a simple spell.

**

Addy ran to get the cake out of the oven. Things were going really well, and she'd only had to console herself crying on a cute boys shoulder three times.

Opening the oven she was thrown across the kitchen by a fireball, that burned away her eyebrows and most of her shirt. Grabbing an apron to cover herself, she saw Vera laughing.

This meant war.

**

"Food, food, food. I love yummy food!" Ayla sang, tapping her silverware on the table.

**

With her peasant born competitor suitably brought down to the proper level, things were starting to go Vera's way. Bringing the butter and wine sauce to the fish she was quite confident that things would go her way. She never noticed the breeze that suddenly rose up, or the olive oil that mysteriously appeared underfoot.

“AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!” she screamed, as her foot went up in the air, along with the sauce. Landing on her back, she brought her hands up to keep the pan from hitting her face, but the wine and butter sauce covered her. With the olive oil and the sauce soaking her clothes, hands and feet, she tried to get to her feet only to fall on her knees, spreading the oil even more. Reaching for the counter, she started to carefully pull herself up, only to knock over a container of flour, coating herself in the white powder.

Blowing out a cloud of flour, she grabbed another charm.

**

"Food, food, food. When will I eat? Food, food, food. Can't wait to eat!" Ayla sang out, throwing money at Team Kimba who were acting as backup singers.

**

Addy took a sip of cognac to steady her nerves, this was harder than she had thought it would be. Was tenderloin suppose to be this pink?

She was so busy poking and prodding the meat, she never saw the oils, sauces and spices rise up into the air behind her, turning into a golem like thing. When it grabbed her from behind, she gave a squeal of delight. “Oh what big strong arms you 'ave. 'ave you come to ravish me?”

Then it ate her.

**

"I was suppose to eat first!" Ayla whined, at seeing the meal starting without her.

**

“I'm not a cook, but shouldn't she be eating the food, not the food eating her?” Ms. Carson asked.

Chef Gordon hid his face in his hands. “God. Maybe the food will know how to cook better than those two.”

“Well, that's one trouble maker out of the way. I wonder if I can convince Team Kimba to start cooking?” Ms. Hartford mused to herself.

**

“That will teach you to mock someone destined to serve in the royal household of Monaco. Stupid little peasant girl. I stick out my tongue at you. NYAH!!!” Vera shouted.

Unseen by Vera, the golem started to spin, building up speed until it was spinning like a top knocking over counters, battering stoves, and sending bits of itself flying into the watching audience. When it finally stopped, Addy was standing there, her clothes ruined and sticking to her body as if they were painted on.

She grabbed the nearest things to her, two croissants and ran at Vera waving them in the air like tomahawks. Vera forewarned by a war cry, grabbed a chocolate baguette and holding it like a sword met the attack head on.

The students and faculty fled, as the two maniacs fought it out with their bread. Spice, condiments, and vegetables flew through the air, tables were overturned as each one sought an advantage. The crowd watched in awe outside as ketchup and mustard covered the crystal walls, and the steel began to melt from the intense fury.

Than the impossible happened and Crystal Hall collapsed, leaving Vera and Addy standing there, stained, battered, marinated and half baked.

Ayla looked on in horror, “What about my food!” she moaned.

Addy looked at the chaos and her beloved crying, and threw herself into the arms of a handsome security officer, consoling herself on his shoulder.

Vera threw what was left of her baguette at Addy, screaming that the royal household of Monaco would hear about this outrage.

Ms. Carson looked at the ruin, and screamed. “You two! I want this mess cleaned up by breakfast tomorrow! Or you're both expelled!”

**

Teri stood in the middle of the table, as her friends looked at her with expressions ranging from amused disbelief to painful disbelief. “And that is exactly what happened, every word of it is true.”

“Uh huh. You weren't here last year, so how do you know?” Serena asked.

“I heard it from a good authority,” she insisted.

There was a polite cough, and Teri turned around to look up at Vera and Addy. “Oh hi, I was just talking about you,” she said.

“We 'eard. We would like to 'ave a word with you,” Addy said, not looking very happy for some reason.

“Well, uh, you see, um. Yes. I think we need to ta- Squirrel!” Teri screamed pointing off to the side, as she took to the air and flew away at top speed.

Vera and Addy were right on her tail.

Breakfast Brawl: A Retelling

It's a day all remember well, the day of the Breakfast Brawl between the Crazy Kimba's and the evil Alpha's. Team Kimba was ready for combat to win back their teammate Shroud from the evil, and ruthless Tansy...

**

“Do we really have to skip breakfast for this?” Ayla whined. “The chefs are making me a filet mignon with cordon bleu sauce, escargot, caviar, a chocolate mousse, crepe suzettes, and Cuisses de Grenouille.” Her stomach started to growl and drool dripped down her chin. “Food, food, food.”

“Is this outfit sexy enough?” Fey asked, bending backwards to push out her breasts in the painted on leather armour. “Couldn't we fight in our pajamas again? That was sexy.”

“No,” Lancer, grunted, tightening the last straps of his military grade body armour. “I need more dakka,” he said, eyeing the mountain of guns, bullets, grenades, knives, tomahawks, missiles and a tank that were ready to be strapped to his back.

“We must get my sister back,” Shroud 2, moaned, her voice sounding like it was from the dead.

“COMEON! COMEON! COMEON! LETSGO! LETSGO! LETSGO!” Chaka shouted, zipping around the room, seconds before creating the Eiffel tower out of toothpicks, as she hung upside down by her feet, blindfolded, from the lights.

“Yes!” Ayla shouted. “The sooner we defeat the horrible Tansy the sooner we can eat! FOR FOOD!!!!”

“Who's going to get Tennyo?” Fey asked nervously.

“Generator of course. Who else can handle her?” Lancer said.

The cute little devisor walked to a big metal vault like door, and carefully typed in a long code. The big metal door opened revealing a blue glowing figure floating in the middle of the bare metal room that looked like it could contain a nuclear explosion. The figure looked up, smiling evilly, energy arced off of her body as she flew ominously towards Generator .

Making big puppy dog eyes, Generator tried to look as cute and helpless as possible. “Tennyo,” she whispered, “I need you help.”

“Why?” Tennyo asked, in a voice devoid of any type of kindness.

“A big meany stole Shroud, we have to go get her back!”

The laughter started off low, almost inaudibly, but it grew, louder, deeper, backed up by explosions that rocked Poe to the foundations. Team Kimba hid behind Lancer, as their secret weapon came out of the vault, the very air around her looked like it was on fire.

“Let's get Shroud back. I need a little fun today, it was getting boring,” Tennyo said, her eyes glowing with the power of the stars.

“Is this safe?” Fey asked, cowering behind a chair.

“Not for them,” Lancer said, polishing his tank.

**

Tansy and the Don walked out of Crystal Hall, followed by their sycophants, as Skybolt and Cavalier played the Imperial March and threw petals in the air before them.

The Don looked like a putz in his tight leather suit, with an oversized cod piece to make up for his small... you know. Tansy hung off his arm, wearing a black cape and what was basically a bikini that had been shrunk in the wash.

The first sign of trouble for them was the sound of thunder coming from behind Kane as Tennyo came into view, the grass and bushes shriveled and died for fifty yards all around her. She was followed by Team Kimba.

“Stop Evil Doers!” Chaka cried as she waved a hundred foot long chain over her head making it spell out the words as she spoke. “You have kidnapped our friend Shroud, we demand her back!”

Lancer got busy setting up an artillery piece behind her, carefully aiming it at the Don. Fey got to work darkening the sky with her magic. Generator threw dozens of devises to the ground that rose into the air humming dangerously. And Ayla looked longingly at Crystal Hall, as she pulled an Acme extra large Anti-Brick Canon, that was twice as big as she was, out of her belt.

The Alpha's looked at Team Kimba in amusement. Icer covered himself in ice and became twenty foot tall ice creature with his body in the middle. Kodiak cracked his knuckles and headed towards Lancer, a grizzly bear growled from somewhere. Aries picked up speed and pulled two big pistols out of his belt. Hamper and Damper clapped hands shouting “Wonder Twin powers activate!”
Cavalier and Skybolt stopped throwing petals in the air and with heavy hearts pulled out their weapons. While this was going on Tansy and the Don cowered together.

“ALPHA'S PROTECT ME! DON'T LET THEM HURT MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!” the Don screamed in terror, his dark pants getting noticeably darker around the crotch.

**

Kodiak ran towards Lancer, who was still trying to aim his artillery. A thunderous punch rocked the young freshman back on his heels.

Growling Lancer hit back with his strongest punch to Kodiak's chin. The big bruiser yawned, rubbing his jaw thoughtfully. “I think I need to shave,” Kodiak said. “Oh did you hit me?”

Ayla threw a big wad of bills at Kodiak as she flew past. “The power of MONEY compels you!!!!”

Kodiak bent down, counted the money, nodded, pocketed it and fell backwards holding his jaw like it hurt. “Oh! I am defeated! Ow! Agony! Agoooony! Ow! How did this happen to me! Oh what a world, what a world! I'm melting! Ouchie! The horror! The horror! Oh I'm DYING! Groan! Moan! Wail! Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do.”

**

Aries ran at Tennyo, firing his guns uselessly. “I will not be defeated by a pitiful female like you!” he shouted.

Tennyo fired back, gouging huge, burning hot holes in the ground, but Aries was just a little too fast for her. “You DARE to DEFY me, you puny little bug! I will DESTROY you!”

As the Alpha desperately zigzagged to avoid becoming BBQ, he ran up Crystal Hall hoping to get some height advantage. “HA HA! I have you now my little pretty! Why is the ground shaking?”

He didn't see Tennyo firing into the support beams of Crystal Hall shattering the crystals and melting the metal. As the students who had been eating breakfast ran screaming for their lives, the building came down all around them.

“HELP ME MOMMY!” Aries screamed, jumping from one piece of falling crystal to another. Someone grabbed him from behind. “OH YOU SAVED ME! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!” He twisted around to kiss his busty rescuer, only to wet his pants when he saw he was in the arms of Tennyo.

“Good bye Aries!” Tennyo shouted, throwing him high into the sky.

“BUT I'M SCARED OF FFFFFLLLLLYYYYYIIIIINNNNNGGGGG!”

**

Shroud 2 flew at the giant Icer.

He breathed out a plume of ice, trying to trap her which she easily dodged. Racing up to head, she began to pummel away at the ice with iron fists.

“HA HA HA!” Icer bellowed. “You'll never get through my solid ice. I am much too powerful for you! Give up now and I may let you live!”

“I will not be defeated by the likes of you!” Shroud yelled. Flying away just avoiding a giant slap, she grabbed a piece of shattered crystal and flew up out of reach of the ice giant.

“What are you going to do with that, stupid head?” Icer yelled. “Do you think some glass is going to hurt me. HA!”

Shroud held the crystal up so the sun shone through it. Focusing it like a laser beam she began melting away the icy armour. Within seconds Icer was left exposed with only the legs and butt of his ice shell unmelted.

“What are you going to do now?!” Shroud cried.

“Hey no fair! YOUCH!” Icer screamed as the impromptu laser landed on his butt setting his pants on fire. “OUCHIE! STOP THAT! OUCH! WHEN WILL THE HURTING STOP!” Icer yelled again, running around in circles trying to get awayuntil he ran headfirst into Kane destroying half the building and falling down unconscious, his pants still smoldering.

**

“Give me back my sister you bitch!” Generator demanded pointing her gun at Tansy.

“Don't worry Tansy!” the Don said loudly, his shoes making squishing sounds as he stepped forward. “I'll go get security!”

“My hero,” Tansy said dryly as the Don ran away screaming like a scared little baby. Looking at Generator she smiled as sweetly as possible. “Look can we talk about this? This has all been one big misunderstanding.”

“Never! Give her back right now!”

“Well you see, little girl, there's a prob-”

Generator shot Tansy with her Taser 9 million, lighting the evil junior up like a Christmas tree. “Give me my sister!”

“My hair,” Tansy moaned, touching her hair which was standing on end like the bride of Frankenstein. “My beautiful, beautiful hair! WWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Help me Donny!” she screamed running away.

“Come back here you evil person you!” Generator shouted, running after her.

**

The wonder twins, Hamper and Damper looked around trying to find the best person to go after. They saw Lancer coming at them, leaving the still moaning Kodiak on the ground. “Wonder twin powers activate!” the shouted, clapping their hands together in a complicated form of patty-cake.

Lancer fell to his knees as their powers activated.

“Yay! We got him!” they shouted, hugging each other. “We really, really got him!”

As they were celebrat-”

**

Teri looked up from her audience as the wonder twins scowled at her from the end of the table. “Oh hi, do you want to listen to my story to? It's getting to the best part where Tennyo sends you into orbit with a single kick.”

Hamper and Damper pushed some of the freshmen out of the way. “We're going to talk to you alone for a few minutes.”

“Oh really?” she asked, stepping towards a plate with a slice of pie on it. “What if I don't want to?”

“You don't have much say in the matter.”

Nodding, she grabbed the pie and threw it as hard as she could at them. It went about five inches and fell. “Huh, you're damping my powers aren't you?” she asked.

They didn't answer her.

“Well just so you know,” she jumped up and started flying straight up to the very top of Crystal Hall, “I don't need powers to fly! Bye bye!”

They ran after her.

**

Tennyo looked over at Jade, they'd been listening to the very loud story with very mixed reactions. “You're going to insist we help her aren't you?”

“Pretty please. She did make you and Shroud sound really cool,” Jade said using her best puppy dog eyes.

“Fine. But only because I really don't like those guys,” she said.

Teri flew into her room landing on her bed at a run, if she was going to get to the the F3 meeting on time she had to hurry. Diving into her clothes box it took her a moment to realize that there were some changes to the room.

“Huh, who left the rose bush?” she asked the empty room, flying up to look at a tiny, well tended rose bush sitting on her windowsill.

Finally looking on Theresa's side of the room, she noticed that things had changed there as well, far more drastically than her own side. The clothes were darker, the bed had dark curtains around it, and there were none of the regular posters and books lying around.

“Something's wrong here,” she said flying over to her desk where there was a large box with some writing on it. “Break in case of 4th wall,” she read.

Shrugging, she broke open the top of the box and pulled out a large wooden mallet, spinning in the air she hit something and glass fell to the floor. Flying through the hole in reality she picked up a large manuscript, flipping through it quickly she muttered to herself as she read. “Oh, Mount Everest! The Sahara Desert? A beach party! ICE CREAM! Super villain fights! Aw, that's really sad. Wow, Carson can be REALLY scary. Oh yeah, he deserved the anvil to the face. Wow, that's really sweet. Do I really HAVE to do that, couldn't you settle for a simple maiming?”

Teri put the manuscript down, careful to make sure nothing was revealed to possible onlookers, gave a little cough to clear her throat and adjusted her dress. “Hello everyone. I've just found out that the author of my little story has some REALLY big things in store for me. I MEAN REALLY BIG THINGS!” She scowled at something off to the side, sarcasm dripped from her voice. “Really big, like giving me an actual plot and background. That will be new.”

She squeaked and jumped as if something had poked her in the side. “All right, all right. I'm not the one who just started writing without any clue where I was going. And it's not my fault everyone knew I was awesome so you had to keep writing about me, you should have realized that when we first met." She jumped again. "OK! OK! Ahem, anyways, I'm not sure when it will come out, but the second draft is already written along with lots of little bits that will see me through the first year at Whateley, and it's big, and funny, with just a tiny bit of drama to keep things interesting.”

Looking off to the side again, Teri raised an eyebrow in question. “You call that a tiny bit of drama? Sheesh, please keep me out of your high drama writing, I don't think I'd survive.

“Where was I? Oh yes. Don't worry you won't have too wait too long to see me again, I'll still be showing up as usual in his other stories and I even have a combat final coming up in Shattered Glass that is absolutely CRAZY. And I promise to be back here being my awesome fairy self in a few months, hopefully sooner, but we'll see.” She gave a big wave and blew a kiss at the unseen onlookers.

Turning away, Teri pulled the manuscript back out. “Honestly, you're taking a silly noodle incident and making it-”

The room faded to black, as Teri continued berating the author.