Question A brief history of my summer mutation discussion.

You know what to do.

I remember reading this over on the old Crystal Hall. Fun read and interesting character, wondering if she will still have her old power ratings or changed for the update. Will comment when more is up, don't want to post potential spoilers for those reading it for first time.

Well, while I don't want to spoil.... she will have her old numbers in testing. But, accuracy with the strange machine might not be 100%.....

I like this characters voice. Other then getting smarter I'm relaly wondering what powers she is going to end up having. All the science talk makes me think devisor or gadgeteer.

Since I still have a bit of trouble navigating the site at times, I got started with the first piece of fanfiction I found in the tunnels with your name attached: A Brief History of my Summer Mutation. It's only a chapter 1, but still enough to cover, and get a good feel of the writing style.

And it was a pretty good start, I'll be honest. Has a likable main character, good cast with good personality, his reaction to various classes, and how he enjoys them, and the beginning of the plot, or rather, his transformation. I got hooked in, and immersed rather quickly, I'll admit.

The start begins with a rather over-complicated wall of theory about how we're all unique, and although it's correct, and an interesting philosophy, I'd consider it a little long, but it does the job it's supposed to do, if I'm not wrong. It starts with a character speaking with an incredibly complex vocabulary, in the future term, but when we come back to the past, or ratehr, flash back to where it started, you realize, they wouldn't be able to speak that way. Heck, even they realize it's a bit long, and how they're rambling at this point.

But after that, we're introduced to our main character: Myrcial (interesting choice for a name). An athlete with great talent, and he knows it, at least in the physical activity department: Math, geography, etc, not so much. He's confident, almost on the edge of cocky, but he's not mean. He doesn't mind a fight, or a bit of trouble, but does try to be friendly as much as he can.

Good guy, at least, the way he's portrayed. You never know, different perspective, point of view from someone else, but so far, from what's presented, likable. Even more relatable if you get how being more athletic feels like.

The cast also has a good place, seems we have the best friend over, the nerdy old friend now oppressed mutant, the rival, and the 'dragon'. I'd mention the crush with the cheerleader, but she comes and goes so quickly, it's hard to keep in mind. I half-expected her to make an appearance at lunch time. Maybe later.

But now, for the spicier part of the chapter, I do like how the transformation happens rather... I'd say slowly, but considering it's a day, I'd rather say it's almost subtle. A small kink in the steps, making it like he sways, the sudden great, complex paper on Shakespeare, the sudden ease with math, eating through his textbooks like it was nothing, followed by the muscle loss. Most readers of Whateley will catch on what's happening, but the character doesn't. Heck, he barely remembers some of it too, it seems. Oh, not to forget the incredible appetite coming along. By the sound of things, he's becoming a brainiac, and about to lose his athletic body. It's a personal crisis about to blow!

I didn't spot anything strongly negative about it. Nothing struck me as 'OMG, WRONG!' But I did notice a few little things.

I'm not usually one to take into consideration bad grammar (to be honest, I suuuuuuuuuck at it), but I do catch a few things.

I wonder if my not healed right nose was acting up again, as it occasionally did. ((Verb tense at the beginning should be set in past tense to sound proper. May want to reconsider this sentence a bit to make it fit better))

"Hey man! Take a break, and tell me what you did for English. I was hoping, just this once, to find company in misery; he was almost as bad as I was. ((Missing a closing parenthesis in this one. Small punctuation note.))

It also happens a few times in the story, but two characters seems to switch names as you go. Gordon is named Gordo quite a few times, and Rolf is named Ralph. Is it a typo, or on purpose? You'll be the judge, but do expect some people to note that.

Speaking of Ralph, there is a little section, right after the gym session, where Bernard shoves Ralph into a shower stall. Small detail there too, but the dialogue there makes it feel like it's the first time Myrcial defended Ralph, or even the first time Bernard knew Myrcial didn't like his attitude.

"What the hell man… do that again, and we will have a nice long private discussion. Get me?"

He looked at me like I'd grown a second head. "You like that creep?"

It's a small feel, and a quick glance over, but maybe something to buff out. Bernard should know about this, especially if they've been in gym a long time, even more so sharing a class. This feels like the first time.

As for Gordon, I do understand there's a fight brewing there, and I'm a little conflicted on it. At one moment, our protagonist shakes his head at his friend taunting the big guy, the next, he's disappointed that the fight didn't happen. It's conflicting. Does he want it, or not?

As for one last bit, as he starts muscle training, it would be nice to have a reaction to the way he weights felt, before he asks his partner to check them. Like how he tried to push the weights up, but couldn't move them an inch. Nothing big or serious, but it helps transition to a more natural reaction.

But even with these little notes, I did like the way it was written, and I do wana see more. I do wonder how it'll go for him... And wonder if him goign to one doctor, rather than the new one will make the difference between 'medical diagnosis' or 'mutant diagnosis'. ;3

You caught literally everything; dang you're good.

I'll take your corrections under advisement, but some of them are on purpose. You caught right on to the writing style; the thing to note, is that some (most) of those grammar screw-ups, and that awkwardness? All totally on purpose. People don't use complete sentences and perfect grammar in their heads, and so neither does Myrc. Word choice and sentence structure add to the overall feel, without being obvious.

In short, it's how I write. This is actually my first (and worst) fiction for showing the process. Literally the first story I wrote this way.

That said, you came up with some great advice, and I will be taking it. Thank you.

Oh, by the way, next part is out; I published it last night.

Nagrij wrote: Well, while I don't want to spoil.... she will have her old numbers in testing. But, accuracy with the strange machine might not be 100%.....

So, higher or lower than what the strange machine said they were? Otherwise the scene with the mom's reaction won't make as much sense, unless she believes the machine is accurate.

Oh, she will believe it. It might even be true, in the oddest of fashions. But every WU fan knows (or should know) that powers testing is half voodoo, and half assigning ratings to possibilities based on crap that might or might not actually be happening; especially devisors.

That said, I have been rewriting scenes based on feedback, so maybe that one will get a tweak. I don't know, I haven't gotten there yet. Regardless, the plot will remain basically the same.

Heehee. Thanks ^^ I tried to find what I could.

And yes, people don't often speak, or think in complete sentences. It makes it more personal, if not grammatically correct, and gives more personality. Oh believe me, I know how to write like that.

I hope it does help for the future. And for a bad example, it's still pretty good for a read. Looking forward to your next one. :3

Mmmnnn. Would it be too much to ask if you could read, and comment on my story, once I edit it a bit, and post it up? Only if you want to, of course, no obligations.

Polk, I'm currently doing that for about 4 stories right now. What is one more?

P.S. you can see how I would work edits and the like by looking at the comments I posted for fox in the worn wrench. (I am, of course, assuming you can see it; I have issues with knowing who can see what forum at the moment.)

Suffice it to say, I think I'm gentle.

I'm glad to see this story made its' way onto the new site... I've liked this take on the journey through mutation and discovering ones new self and found myself re-reading it every so often since it's so enjoyable.

I'm looking forward to its' continuation.

It's coming. Slowly, but it's coming.

Soon^tm

Looking forward to it!

Sorry for not commenting sooner, been sick since Wednesday. Great new entries and I love the interaction between her and her best friend, perfectly shows how most teens undergoing such a radical change would react and hide. What Gadgeteer and Devisor ratings would you need to build your own Jeeves or ARNEE, I'm curious if it is has high as I'm guessing. Poor kid, the transformation happened a lot faster than expected, like it speed up in the home stretch. While a dream for some, including myself, the pain and emotional turmoil she is going through resonates.

Ah, I remember the testing from the original version, she did the same thing to the wannabe Sentinel before. And I would have too, should have told her what she was going into. Yeah, Gadgeteer 5 and Devisor 5 seem kind of low for what she has done, ARNEE seems like a Devisor 6 at least along with Jeeves. And the torment of all changelings in Whateley who are MtF, the shopping trip for new clothes. She got off easy compared to some, even in canon if I remember correctly Fey had it worse when she first started transforming.

Glad to see this continued, hope to read more of it soon. Can't wait to see how her mom reacts after they use the strange machine on Min, unless I somehow missed that in the latest entry.

Well the next part clarifies her power set... as well as for why it seems lowballed. Her mutation did in fact "speed up in the home stretch"... it's the nature of that particular beast.

Just been busy writing to edit this, or write more of it. I have the perfect excuse.

So I'm just wondering.. it doesn't seem like any of your stories are building up to a climax as of yet. Are you just not sure how you want to finish these stories, or is this some diabolical plot for us all to go crazy waiting for your next chapters? D:

Well, I think I monster has one building, and Min might a bit later... Vics already had a major one. The main issue is getting them caught up and current with all the other writing I'm doing. Not specifically trying to drive anyone crazy, no.

It's probably just my brain being groggy, but could you remind me the full title of "vics"? All I can think of is vagrants.

"The shifting approach to adaptation".... it's not up on the new site just yet; been a little busy.

Oh yeah, the one with Mr. Omega or whatever that guy that uses radiation called himself...... I thought that one stopped right after the initial fight, or did I not see some updates that was posted after that....?

There was a third part to that which picked-up with the aftermath of that encounter...

Yep, there was a bit more. But not much more, and that's because I'm slow.

The issue is I also write a fair number of Non- Whateley stories. Working on two right now, as we speak, both original fiction.

This I know, I follow your other stories. I'm probably most curious to see how "Who's hunting who" plays out, as I feel it could go in a number of different directions from where it is at.

The story of yours that I enjoy most is Room in Hell, I believe.

Works for me. Who's hunting who is coming soon, but what I'm working on right now, is Vagrants 16.

That and story 3.

And maybe some tinkering with a certain origin tale. but that's all I'm doing at once, I swear!

Somehow I think you'll keep adding to that pile.


What do you mean by story 3?

Story 3 is generation 2, story 3. Title unrevealed.

Finally caught up on the last 3 parts you posted, poor Min and such low energy, it would drive me crazy having to sleep so much. I believe we are back at or almost back at the point the original version of the story was before, can't wait to read more and see how her story continues to develop.

Yeah, a few more chapters to clean up then we go to the new stuff.