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Question DeVille's Luck Discussion

9 years 3 months ago #1 by Cryptic
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    • First part is reposted. Reworked a few things, tied off a loose end I had missed the first time, though I'm not 100% happy with it.
    I am a caffeine heathen; I prefer the waters of the mountain over the juice of the bean. Keep the Dews coming and no one will be hurt.
    9 years 3 months ago #2 by konzill
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    • The only thing that bothered me about this story is her alledged age. An eight year old woûldn't have been able to survive like this. she sounds a good bit older than that.
    9 years 3 months ago #3 by Dreamer
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    • Her age didn't bother me, she is mature for her age and trained from an early age in survival and what to do in such a situation. Adults often underestimate what kids can do with the right training and experience. A biological agent that rapid and lethal, brutal. Have me curious as to who set them up, can't wait for more.
    Thank You for story comments appreciated and help me know me they are being read and liked. :-) Note: My story comments can't nor are trying to replace reading the stories, simply my way of enjoying them and letting the authors know I enjoy them.
    9 years 3 months ago #4 by shadeofred
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    • I'll preface this by saying that I enjoyed reading it and will look forward to more, however there were some distracting elements to the story.

    1) chronology is disrupted when Kara thinks "The men Charles let in" before even seeing the footage on the tablet
    2) the typical editing errors, mostly homophones (do was used instead of due, etc)
    3) Please try not to have hugely blatant naming shout outs as it detracts from your story's flow by reminding a reader of other things. I feel like most of the references were okay, but the characters named James McCoy and Leonard Pike were overboard... the harry potter reference was a bit out of place too.
    9 years 3 months ago #5 by Cryptic
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    • Woops, thanks Shade, didn't even notice I did Point 1.
    As for names... I thought I had the copy where I changed them to something less blatant. I'll have to update my jump drive later and then update the post.
    I am a caffeine heathen; I prefer the waters of the mountain over the juice of the bean. Keep the Dews coming and no one will be hurt.
    9 years 3 months ago - 9 years 3 months ago #6 by Cryptic
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    • Update made. Didn't touch the editing stuff I'll wait until I'm done and get them. I did change up the names and the continuity error.

    Oh, and Shade it was a Dresden reference, not a Potter.
    I am a caffeine heathen; I prefer the waters of the mountain over the juice of the bean. Keep the Dews coming and no one will be hurt.
    Last Edit: 9 years 3 months ago by Cryptic.
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