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9 years 3 months ago - 8 years 11 months ago #1 by Light
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    Last Edit: 8 years 11 months ago by Light.
    9 years 3 months ago #2 by shadeofred
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  • Still in the process of reading it, at the part where Erin visits the student shop for the first time, so I can't comment on the state of the relationship.... however...

    At this point in the story, it really doesn't seem like the two would mesh, and Doug doesn't really show a manipulative side to himself aside from stating such things in the very beginning. This could be because so far Aaron has just been yanking him all over the place and interrogating him.

    Will give more feedback when I get further into it.
    9 years 3 months ago - 8 years 11 months ago #3 by Light
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    9 years 3 months ago #4 by shadeofred
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  • Well yes, it is quite a long post, but it was a few days since you posted it and I didn't want you to feel like no one was reading it.
    9 years 3 months ago #5 by shadeofred
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  • Ok so I finished reading what you posted, and have some more feedback for you.

    1) doug does seem overexperienced, but sometimes it happens

    2) He seems nice, but I really question if he's just putting a certain face on to get the right outcome.

    3) people all react differently to things, so who knows.

    4) I don't see how Erin would have ever fallen for doug without the link..... he just doesn't seem like the type.

    5) I was definitely getting a "mind raped" vibe from the situation.... The fact that she essentially has to obey his every command, goes into rage when he gets harmed, feels like she needs to please him..... yeah.... Just reminded me of too many painful emotional moments in certain anime.

    6) I don't think it would be possible for Erin to break up with him, and if she waffles back and forth, it will feel too stretched out. I'd suggest finding something new to focus the story on.

    And some side notes: The pacing is a bit off IMO, the final few chapters had pretty much the same pace/tone to them... It could have probably been ended a bit earlier with a more sudden event.

    Anyways, I did enjoy reading it.... but if it gets too much into Doug abusing the link, I will have to say goodbye to these characters, as that stuff hits me a bit too hard.
    9 years 3 months ago - 8 years 11 months ago #6 by Light
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    9 years 3 months ago #7 by shadeofred
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  • Meaning any future stories will be about Aaron's captivity under the devisor?
    9 years 3 months ago - 8 years 11 months ago #8 by Light
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    Last Edit: 8 years 11 months ago by Light.
    9 years 3 months ago #9 by shadeofred
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  • Light wrote:

    shadeofred wrote: Meaning any future stories will be about Aaron's captivity under the devisor?


    No, meaning that any future stories would have Doug and Erin(along with Gwen and probably Cam too) as the villains. Even if I did another story set from one of their perspectives, it would likely be about them doing something bad. Gotta make villains too, after all.

    Interesting..... I never gave it much thought as to what they would do later.

    Cameron doesn't seem like the villain type, just accidental mayhem... but I guess I could see the other three be villains.
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