Yeah, that was pretty much a replicator variant on the Gray Goo. Scary stuff.
I am reminded of a joke from an early
Sith Academy
(NSFW) story called "Darth Maul Mows the Lawn" (mostly SFW, if you don't mind the swearing - I am including a long-ish quote because the conversation needs a bit of context as to why they are even speaking to each other):
The Plaid Adder wrote: "Indecisive you are," said a voice.
Maul looked around, but saw no one.
"Tools you need. Too many kinds. Very, very frustrating." Maul finally located the voice. It was coming from a very short creature with triangular ears that stuck out horizontally. It had fuzzy white hair, a very small uniform, and a name tag reading "MY NAME IS YODA."
"Help you I can," said the creature.
"Do you work here?" Maul asked, at a loss.
"Weekends only," said Yoda. "Pays like crap, my day job does. Moonlighting this is called. Tell me what you need, young Sith."
Maul started, pulling his hood down over his eyes in a futile effort at disguise.
"Do not worry, young Sith," said Yoda. "Sunday this is, work for Wal-Mart I do now. Meet me Monday, lightsaber your ass I will. Today, show you quality merchandise at low low prices I must. What need you?"
"The grass mocks me," said Darth Maul. "I will have revenge."
Yoda shook his head and clucked softly. "I sense much anger in you, young Sith. Careful you must be. Anger leads to hatred. Hatred leads to divots. And bald spots. How big this field of grass is, that mocks you so?"
"Big," said Darth Maul.
"Riding mower you need? We have many."
"Is that what you recommend?"
Yoda looked him over. "Bad bad idea, I think. Drag on ground that cape will, into blades it will suck you. One Sith bad enough is, 1000 very small ones...need that, no one does."
Of course, this is the same series where about 99% of both the Sith and Jedi are Kinsey 3 or higher, Yoda bottoms in biker bars, and Maul ends up punting a drunken Yoda across a gay bar called "The Gray Side of the Force" before getting sloshed and spending a night having "Force-driven monkey love" with a young Obi-Wan
:
Siubhan wrote: "Tired I grow of this bar. Bikers it has not."
"Tough," Windu countered. "It's my turn to pick the bar, and I wanted something with good music. You can't dance to Foghat."
"When eight hundred years old you are, dancing machine you will no longer be!"
Siubhan wrote: Suddenly, he felt a tug on his pants leg. He and Sidious both looked down as one to see Yoda standing at his feet, preening. "Dance with me you will, big boy?"
Maul scowled and punted the little annoyance clear across the dance floor.
"Very good," Sidious sneered. "I hadn't thought you were ready to drop-kick Jedi Masters yet, but clearly I've trained you well."
A thin voice cried out from the other side of the hall, "When sober I become and not in corset I am bound, your asses I will surely kick!"
Mace Windu came up to the two men and said, "I just want to apologize for my friend's behavior. He's had a few too many Fuzzy Navels tonight and they just go straight to his head."
Siubhan wrote: Maul woke up with his face buried in the back of someone's neck. How did he..? Hazy memories of picking someone up in a bar and going back to his place where they indulged in hours and hours of wild Force-driven monkey love started filtering into his brain. He picked up a guy in a bar? A guy powerful with the Force? A guy with a little braid behind his ear? A guy with a sandy buzz cut and a little Jedi ponytail? A guy who looked an awful lot like his twit neighbor...
Oh shit. He'd slept with Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Maul sat bolt upright and choked back waves of nausea as he stared down at the face of his archenemy. He'd actually slept with that horrible little Padawan!
Siubhan wrote: "So, my apprentice, I take it you eventually found someone to bed last night?"
"Yes, my Master."
"Anyone I know?"
"That twit Padawan next door. I'm not quite sure how it happened..."
"Oh please, you've had a thing for him for years."
"I have not!" Maul cried indignantly.
"Of course you have! Why else would you be so obsessed with tormenting him?" Sidious cried.
Maul silently thanked his Master for suggesting that he get a facial tattoo. It hid his embarrassed flush extremely well. The old coot's got a screw loose. Me, like Obi-Wan Kenobi? The day I develop a crush on Obi-Wan Kenobi is the day Sidious settles down with a nice woman and adopts a family of Ewoks.
Sidious let loose an evil chuckle. "Oh, that's more delicious than I imagined. And yes, my apprentice, you are in deep denial. So, is he any good?"
"He's been well trained in how to use his formidable equipment, my Master," he admitted reluctantly.
Sidious licked his lips and cast a speculative glance towards Kenobi's apartment. "You don't say?"
It gets even weirder when it is discovered that Obi-Wan is one of triplets, born after Dartha Stewart used the Lust Whammy to seduce an otherwise gay Force wielder:
Katherine the Art Chick wrote: "Oh well, I wasn't looking forward to that party anyway. Sidious can never resist the urge to overdo it. It's that campy streak." Maul started. "Yes, yes, I know all about Darth Sidious." She leered evilly. "So, is Sidious still hot in bed? or has age caught up with him?"
"WHAT????? How would I know??? Ew!" Maul exclaimed in disgust. Then he did a double-take. "HOW WOULD YOU KNOW???????" Dartha just chuckled evilly. "He doesn't like girls!"
"I put the lust whammy on him." Dartha shrugged. "I wanted to experience motherhood, and he was the most powerful person with the Force I knew."
"Lust whammy? On Sidious?" Maul pondered this for a moment, then rejected the idea. "I don't believe you."
"I'd whammy you to prove it, but red and black clash with my coloring. You'll just have to take my word for it." She frowned slightly. "You must find it hard to find clothes that don't clash with those... although you seem to favor black. That's probably a good choice..."
"The lust whammy..." Maul thought about this for a moment. "I've only encountered one other person who used that."
"I know," Dartha said, mysteriously.
"Do you know my girlfriend Mary Sue?" Maul asked.
"Does Mary Sue know you tell people she's your girlfriend?" Dartha taunted. Maul shrugged. "She's never mentioned you."
"Well, it's not a formal relationship," Maul admitted. "How do you know Mary Sue?"
"Sidious doesn't tell you much, does he," Dartha observed. Maul shrugged again. "She's our daughter, of course."
Maul was stunned into silence for several seconds. "Damn. The whammy. I should have known," Maul said, realizing why Dartha seemed familiar. Dartha must have taught Mary Sue her moves. "All this power--you can whammy Sidious--and you waste it on--"
"On a comfortable life," Dartha said. "I'm not interested in politics or the military. I don't want to control the galaxy, except to make sure that everyones' homes are accessorized properly. I just want my pool and my dogs and my 68-bedroom house and the unthinking adoration of quintillions. And my merchandising empire." She's Mary Sue's mother, all right, Maul thought.
"So is that it? Your mastery over the Force consists of the lust whammy and the greed whammy and that's all?" Maul asked, a bit scornfully.
"The lust and greed whammies are my specialty, but the living force is strong in my family," Dartha answered serenely. "I have it, my daughter has it... and my sons have it."
"Mary Sue never mentioned any brothers," Maul said.
"Oh, and you're so close that she would have surely told you," Dartha mocked. Maul snarled. Dartha smirked. "Mary Sue was one of triplets. I only wanted a daughter, so I gave the two boys up for adoption. One of them's a singer now, and the other one's a padawan. I wouldn't know them if I saw them, though. Their adopted mother keeps me informed... whether I want to be or not."
Maul suddenly had a very bad feeling about this. "You wouldn't happen to know their names, would you?"
"Of course," Dartha said. "I named them both Ben. I liked the idea of having twin names for twin boys, and demanded that the adoptive parents keep the names. Of course, I hear they have nicknames for both of them..." She sighed at the gaucherie of it all. "But what do you expect from a couple named Maree-Jayn and Shawn-Penn?"
Life hates me, Maul thought.
Katherine the Art Chick wrote: "My master, we have GOT to talk," Maul said, dragging Sidious out onto the balcony for some privacy.
"I sense your disturbance, my apprentice," Sidious said, closing his eyes and savoring it. He smiled.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Maul demanded.
"Tell you what?" Sidious asked.
"That I'm sleeping with your daughter... and your son. Oh, shit! you slept with him, too!"
"My son?" Sidious said, performing a quick analysis of the intersection of the set of his sexual partners and the set of Maul's sexual partners. "Kenobi? Well, who'd have guessed it? He certainly doesn't look like me..."
"But... you slept with him!"
"So?" Sidious asked. "Really, Maul, your prudishness is so unbecoming."
Katherine the Art Chick and Darth J. Landry wrote: "You've got a lot of animal magnetism, Maul," Ben-Wa said. "Have you considered the entertainment business?"
Maul looked over at his neighbor's twin brother. Despite their being identical twins, there was no difficulty in telling the boys apart, Maul pondered, and it wasn't just Ben-Wa's longer hair and trendier clothes. Maul shrugged.
"You should," Ben-Wa said, moving closer. "You have a lot of sex appeal. I bet you could sell lots of records. I'm guessing you're a death metal fan, right?"
"Look, if you're hitting on me, you might as well give up now," Maul said. "You're really not my type, and besides, I'm already sleeping with both your sister and your brother and that kind of creeps me out. I'd really rather not go three for three; thank you, but no thank you. Ew."
"Anything my brother can do I can do better. Except fight, of course; I'm an unmitigated disaster at that. But I have plenty of other skills that kept me in the academy years after I should have flunked out. If you don't believe me, try me." Ben-Wa dropped to his knees in front of Maul with a saucy grin.
Maul's pulse skyrocketed. He swallowed, hard, and tried to think of a good answer. Part of his brain suggested "No," but the rest of his brain pummelled it into silence.
"Worst fighter ever to win an academy tournament!" Ben-Wa said cheerfully, unbuttoning the fly of Maul's jeans. Maul realized the little twit was lust whammying him. Damn. No wonder the talentless twerp sold so many records. "But there's a different kind of lightsaber I'm quite good with..."
The buzzer on the oven went off, jolting Maul out of Ben-Wa's lust whammy. Angrily, he pulled away and removed the pies from the oven.
Don't stop now, Maul, Palpatine's voice rang in Maul's head. I was enjoying that! You were almost three for three!
You wouldn't, Maul thought. Not even YOU are that much of a perv!
Sidious's only answer was an evil chuckle. He then hit Maul with a whammy he couldn't refuse.
I, Maul thought as his brain went *snap,* am going to KILL Sidious.
Though come to think of it, a certain amount of incest seems to run in the family (strap in tight, this is gonna be a long one):
That Strange Becca Person wrote: Sidious was dressed in black, but it wasn't his usual Sith robes (the set with the hood so voluminous that he had to use the Force to keep from bumping into things, since he couldn't see a damn thing with it up). Neither was it a darker-than-usual version of his Palpatine persona's Senatorial drag -- oh no. And the scowl written across his face was all Sith. But...Maul took in the perfectly pressed trousers, highly polished dress shoes, white dress shirt, very subtly embroidered black waistcoat and hand-tailored coat-and-tails -- not to mention the top hat, cane, white kid gloves and cravat tie complete with a tiny ruby tietack -- with a growing sense of shock. His master was wearing the usual pound or so of makeup that he used to hide his Sithly pallor and sunken eyes, but with considerably less rouge than usual. His russet-and-gray curls had been swept back neatly from his forehead, gelled in place and tied at his nape with a black satin bow. Maul felt his jaw dropping further and further with every detail that he noticed. Darth Sidious, Dark Transvestite of the Sith, was dressed in guy clothes.
And he was clearly not happy about it. "Maul," he snapped without preamble, "I am afraid that breakfast is out. For you, at least. I have an assignment for you."
Maul's chocolate craving yelled a protest, but he took another look at Sidious's expression and silenced it with massive quantities of mental duct tape. "Yes, Master?"
"You may have discerned from my mode of dress that today is something of a special occasion." He paused ominously, then drew in a breath. "This afternoon, Cynthia's eldest sister Velveeta is to be wed to a recent graduate of the Jedi Academy. As her uncle, I am obliged to attend this...*cough* happy event, bring a gift, and generally act the part of the doting relative." He spat the last two words with deep distaste, then smirked faintly as he eyed Maul. "You are to accompany me. To this end, you are to travel to the garment district and obtain formalwear for the occasion."
[...]
"Well, I'm surprised that you came at all, what with you and that tattooed freak being off doing who knows what most of the time. I mean, what am I supposed to think? You never write, you never visit, you don't even have the decency to return my calls half the time, and don't give me that excuse that Senatorial duties are taking up all of your time -- you can't possibly tell me that anything you are doing is more important than your own mother! If your father was alive I don't know what he'd think -- you're forty-seven and you still haven't given me any grandchildren! All your brothers and sisters are on their fourth or fifth child already. What's wrong with you? And don't you even try and tell me that that...that...alien ward of yours counts for anything as far as children are concerned. He's not my grandson. My grandsons don't have horns or...or...yellow eyes...and they certainly don't come from some orphanage somewhere without so much as a pedigree!"
[...]
Maul was convinced that Grandma Doris was the most evil bitch in the Galaxy -- far, far beyond what Darth Mary Sue could achieve even after a three month chocolate fast. (And that, as Maul knew from personal experience, was saying a lot). She turned back to Maul, her scowl deepening even further. "Hmp. You're dressed like a pimp. Are you a faggot or something?"
Something detonated inside of him, sending a wave of scarlet across his field of vision. He forgot feeding on his Master's bug-pinned-to-cardboard angst, forgot the awkward situation, the inconvenient hat, the itchy scab on his thigh, his hunger, everything but the sudden need to rend and tear and shred and...Kill her, kill her, fuck keeping up appearances, I'm going to stomp her dessicated ass into fine gray flakes! Somewhere in his mind he heard his master ordering him to stand down, but he was too far gone. He took a step forward, balling his fists --
"Jesus, Cyn's right, you are a nasty old bitch, aren't you?"
Speak of the Devil and She appears. Darth Mary Sue stepped out of the (wide as possible without making it look like they were avoiding Doris) circle of relatives surrounding them and sashayed up to stand beside Maul. She was dressed in a full Victor/Victoria style men's pinstriped suit, complete with white bowtie, bowler hat and a fake pencil mustache unnervingly similar to the one the Rodian tailor had sported. "Hey, Horny Boy," she muttered to him, blatantly patting his ass hello. Maul's rage ebbed a bit as his hormones asserted themselves. Sidious, for his part, struggled to hide his relief. Mary Sue rocked on her heels and looked around idly. "Gang's all here, huh?"
"What is this?" Grandma Doris peered up at Mary Sue, who grinned at her toothily and reached up to run her finger over the base of one of Maul's 'offending' horns. Maul suppressed an unbecoming eep, homicidal rage shelved for the moment, and started thinking instead of where they could sneak off to together during the service (and trying not to think that her whole male-drag look might have something to do with his libido's sudden perkiness).
Sidious for once was at a loss as to how to react. "Er, this is Mary Sue. She is..." (How does one introduce one's illegitimate, Force-sex-bred daughter to one's paleolithically-backwards, thorny-hearted mother, anyway)?
"I'm here with Cynthia," Mary Sue announced. (Maul blinked; he hadn't even realized that the two of them knew each other).
"As what?" Doris scowled yet deeper, if that was possible. "She'd better not be thinking of introducing a cross-dressing little pervert like you to any of my children's sons, that's for certain!"
"Actually, I'm her date."
Everyone started, and Doris let out a small squawk. Date?!?
Mary Sue grinned wider at the collective expressions of those around her. "Yup. We're lovers. Oh, didn't she tell you?" she fluttered her eyelashes at the crone, who seemed to shrink inside her ribcage-baring (her cleavage being located somewhere around her knees) gold lamé gown. Sidious seemed to be trying not to laugh; Maul just gawped. Darth Mary Sue, possessor of the best rack this side of Lara Croftdom, in bed with that roly-poly little...he couldn't wrap his brain around it. He just couldn't. Normally, the idea of two women in bed together made his libido bounce around happily wagging its tail for all it was worth, but...but...but...with Cynthia? Despite all her lascivious comments and offers, her choice of dress and music, and her tendency to flirt with anything that moved, Maul had never actually considered that his neighbor might have anything resembling an active sex life, let alone one that involved his...his...his girlfriend, dammit! He stared at Mary Sue, baffled; she just smiled and patted his arse again, then moved away a little. He kept staring. She smirked and shook her head, chuckling.
Finally, Doris seemed to recover somewhat, and her face darkened dangerously. "Samuel, you get your skinny butt over here now!"
The crowd parted with miraculous speed, revealing a cowering Jedi with balding russet-and-gray hair, who strongly resembled how Sidious would have looked if he had spent the last twenty years being pussywhipped by not only the Mother from Hell but also by whatever passed for his wife. This guy didn't need the Dark Force's influence to be pale and sunken-cheeked. The haunted look in his bluegray eyes deepened as he inched reluctantly forward to stand before his mother. Maul noticed that he was the only adult member of Sidious's kin who didn't have a brood milling around his ankles -- either they weren't present, or had decided to save themselves and hide among the others. "Y-yes, Mother?" he mumbled, head ducked, stark terror radiating off of him in waves.
"Did you know that your daughter is a-a-a lesbian as well as a freak?" Doris demanded, flapping a wrinkled paw in Darth Mary Sue's general direction.
Samuel squinted in confusion. "Then why's she marrying Mer-cedes Benz today?"
"Not that daughter!" the crone screeched. "The other one!"
"You and Cynthia aren't really...fucking, are you?"
She grinned again, a slightly sadistic gleam in her eye. "Like minks."
Maul winced. "Oh come on! That -- I mean, look at her! And...and I'm right across the hall, why fuck her when we could be -- "
Mary Sue shrugged. "She's better company than you are. And she's better in the sack, too."
Topic Author
