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Question My phrasing doesn't feel right

5 years 5 months ago #1 by Cryptic
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    • I've been revising Reflection, adding a whole new opening cause I realized the story started earlier then I'd jumped in at, and I have a line I'm not feeling 100% about, can I get some other takes?

    Context: The main character, Jessie,the fam id sitting around getting their minds around Jessie's sister Ashley slipping in the tub and ending up on the kitchen table. Their mother sees this as an opportunity to reveal a bit about her past, including who their father is. Their mother had been one of Cobbs Monster Minions, a goblin.

    “He's our father?”Jessie asked, saying out-loud what both kids where thinking
    "[Dr. Macabre] might be a child stalking predator but a pedophile he isn't.

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    5 years 5 months ago #2 by Court
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    • First of all, you have "where" where you meant "were".

    Aside from that triviality, there is certainly something wrong here, but I don't know how to fix it because I don't know what you are trying for. Is "He's our father" what the children are thinking? If so, there should be a period at the end of that line. Or is the second sentence what the kids are thinking? If the second sentence is NOT what the kids are thinking, what is it? Something someone said? If so, who? One of the kids, the mother, someone else? Tell us.
    5 years 5 months ago #3 by Kettlekorn
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    • This is probably how I'd write something like that:

    The kids shared a look, and it was Jessie who broke the silence. "He's our father?"
    "He might be a child-stalking predator, but he isn't a pedophile."


    I'm assuming the second speaker is supposed to sound normal. If they're supposed to sound fancy or refined, you should stick with your original "a pedophile he isn't."
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    5 years 5 months ago #4 by Cryptic
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    • -face palms at the where/were issue-

    Thanks guys, this helps.
    I am a caffeine heathen; I prefer the waters of the mountain over the juice of the bean. Keep the Dews coming and no one will be hurt.
    5 years 2 months ago #5 by Warren
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    • It's been a LOOOONG time since I piped up here. So I'm a bit "out of it." That being said, the two lines you shared are definitely missing context, in that you go from a bath to being on or at a table. That's coming off as abrupt to me. Sharing a bath or "hot tub" moment is something with various levels of intimate in my opinion. This blurting out "pedifile" is very shocking to the perceived story flow. Softening the scene with the reveal of the father with a joke or two might make it come across easier than dropping two bombs together. That's like being the doctor and saying you have bad news and really bad news. Then going on to say the person has terminal cancer and then revealing they have five minutes to live after talking to the person for three minutes. Avoid the double whammy unless you set ground work before hand.
    Don't push the on-button if you don't know where the off-button is. -- Solomon Short
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