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This is a work of fiction. There should be no way that these characters are like anyone else, but if that isn’t the case, it has definitely been unintentional. The pictures are used without express permission. Quotes from “Man of Constant Sorrow” by the Soggy Bottom Boys. Also, if you happen to find that your life is represented in these pages, I’ll be impressed.

Monkey of Constant Sorrow

a Whateley Universe tale

by Heather O’Malley

assisted by the rest of the Whateley Gang

I am a man of constant sorrow/ I've seen trouble all my days – Soggy Bottom Boys

Wednesday, 22 February 2007

I am a monkey of constant sorrow. Really, constant sorrow. I know you don't believe me but it is the absolute truth. Honest. Sorrow. Constant.

Would you bastards stop laughing long enough for me to tell you my story?

I started as a stone, a very inquisitive stone to be sure, but a stone. Now I am the most awesome being in the entire Universe. True story. My exploits have been written down and people have read about me for ages. I am a Taoist Sage and Immortal. I am a Buddha. I am a master magician and one of the greatest martial artists ever. I am lucky with the ladies, I suffer through having exceptional good looks, and I am a phenomenal dancer. The awesomeness that is me is clear.

Now why would someone as amazing as me hang out with these kids? Well, there is something to that. First off there is Chou. While she is a sweetheart and can angst with the best of them, the girl has no idea how awesome she is and how incredible. True, she is better now than she was before.  It really is incredible what de-stressing will do for a person. She just needed a good talking to and someone to boot her in the butt to get her moving. I am very talented at booting people in their butts. It's a skill that I spent years mastering, but I digress. Chou is awesome because she is a Handmaid who does not want to throw her life away for the cause. I think I have seen that only once or twice in all of the Handmaids. She definitely has the potential to be more Handmaid and less Slave Girl. Yes, there is a difference. No, I am not going to explain it to you.

The girl needs something, and I try, in my own humble way, to help her find what she needs. Part of that, I am certain, is Love, or at least a better understanding of it. Molly loves her passionately, and Chou returns that. She is just a little inhibited. Molly, not so much. She has this emotional core that burns very, very bright, and I like that, and that core spills out into her actions. I don't meddle... I just provide a valuable service in giving the girl ideas every now and then. She certainly takes them happily and runs with them. Seriously, naked Chinese food picnic. Well done her! Like with this new group she and Lindsay started. I really think it is wonderful and can't wait to see what other trouble they get into. Their chaotic approach makes me proud.

What can I say about Ayla? Well, once the timber is removed she will be a lovely person. She is too aloof, too tied up in herself and her family. She is like countless men and women in China that cut themselves off from the world for the good of the family. It is almost as if the Lord of the manor deigns to spend time with us lesser mortals. Boring. She has a lot to give, so I am trying to help her learn how to share. Baby steps are about all she is managing, but she is moving. As for that pesky gender... well... heh... what can I say, Ayla's special.

Leopard girl? She's a hoot. I mean talk about someone with nothing but happiness between their ears. Girl would be happy in a gulag. Granted, she would use her chi to do everything, like using her chi to clean earwax or something, but she is funny. Don't tell her I said so or her head will swell more than it already is. Do you know she can't wear a hat because of how big her head is? Tragic.

The Queen is fun to poke, because she squawks nicely, but then again, she always has been. Not that I am saying that I poked her Sacred Holiness, the Queen of the West. That would be telling and I don't kiss and tell.

I think that the Scourge looks good as an Anime character. It suits her. Has an issue with the dead, but everyone has their own ghosts to wrestle with. I hope she gets past that and does her own thing.

And speaking of the Scourge, her own little handmaid is honestly one of the most psychotic people I have ever met. Girl has no fear and a terrible understanding of pronouns. Maybe I should give her a book on grammar? But which one of her would read it, and would it really help?

If Carson had allowed me to become a student at the school I wouldn't have to visit all the time, breaking through the security each time. I would just be here. I mean, I look so adorable in my Princess form. I really do. That form allows me to hang out with the girls without it looking strange. A grown man would look odd talking with them. Besides, I mean... just look at me. Am I not cute?

Very cute. No denying that. But then again, I am cute and adorable pretty much in general. I may have mentioned that before. I like this picture because it has peaches in it. I love peaches, hence why I occasionally steal the tastiest peaches ever from the Imperial garden. But again I digress.

Don't give me that look! You think I don't see how often you all digress on the forums? Honestly. And who wrote up my wiki page? It is sparse and does not adequately convey my awesomeness. It needs to be fixed. But again I digress.

These girls are fun to hang around with, as you never know what crazy thing they will come up with next, and I am glad to help the Handmaid. Everybody has to do something, and apparently I am good at helping people.

Okay, I heard that. Honestly... you think I didn't see that?

Yes, I like helping them. They are fun people. Thankfully I don't really have to do much of anything to help them, because that would be unfair. But I do critique them. One of these days I am going to dump the report I made on them and then we will see who is laughing. Maybe I should drop it on Chaka. It might shrink her head enough so that she could wear a hat.

Regardless of that particular side of things, I can certainly say I am looking forward to Chou's Journey to the West this summer. It should be EPIC! Almost as epic as me, well maybe not that epic but probably pretty close. She would get to travel off to China and have an interesting adventure. Hmmmm... if she is Tripitaka then who plays me? Maybe I should audition for the role. I do have extensive experience in this part and I know all the lines by heart. And maybe this time I won't have to wear that annoying hat that squeezes my head. That would be good fun. Yeah, that will be great. Besides, someone needs to watch her back. It's not like anyone from the school will be able to do it. The Chinese won't let them in.

Yes, yes... it will be glorious! I, Sun Wu Kong, will Journey with the Handmaid of the Tao to the West and we will retrieve the Sacred Scrolls from the Buddha. Oh wait... I did that already... uhm... you know... I have no idea what we would be picking up on this trip. It could be most anything, a pair of shoes, a softback copy of the Analects, or maybe something else. If there is any justice in the world it will be peaches. Never enough peaches for me. I mean, I could eat a peach for hours. But again I digress.

See, all I have do deal with in my life is sorrow. Sorrow. Constant. That is just my life.

It is a rough job, but somebody has to do it.