Question Evershade Discussion
8 years 5 months ago - 8 years 5 months ago #1
by Polk Kitsune
Posts:
431
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Unknown
Birthdate:
Unknown
My story: Evershade: Reforming
- Polk Kitsune
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Topic Author
Finally published, this here is for discussion of my story here. I do look forward to any feedback, questions, and comments, and I hope everyone can enjoy.
I did make a quick change on the title, I thought it might give a bit more flavor to the name. I do hope it works.
Here's the story: Evershade: Reforming
I did make a quick change on the title, I thought it might give a bit more flavor to the name. I do hope it works.
Here's the story: Evershade: Reforming
My story: Evershade: Reforming
Last Edit: 8 years 5 months ago by Polk Kitsune.
8 years 5 months ago #2
by Esar
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328
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- Esar
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First of all, congratulation on the publication of your final draft. I admit I haven't read this version yet, and I know you had some changes planned compared to the last version that I have read. (not necessarily regarding the events themselves but more about the editing).
I add a link to the previous discussion thread, because it had a lot of interesting feedback.
http://whateleyacademy.net/index.php/forum/project-discussion/427-shade-reforming-rebirth-discussion?limitstart=0
I may post an updated feedback latter on but I think it won't change much (at the top of my head) :
- Some elements in the story show that you have a good grasp on the tropes of this "genre", which allowed you to play with our expectations nicely. I still have in mind the little sister's prank. It is not something that is present on most stories, even canon one, and it added a lot to it.
- The power is really visually impressive. You can do a lot with it, the imagery is quite powerful. It's also a nice take on a power that could be considered quite bland traditionnaly. (Of course you may reveal things latter on, It may seem like a regenerator trait while not being really one.)
I add a link to the previous discussion thread, because it had a lot of interesting feedback.
http://whateleyacademy.net/index.php/forum/project-discussion/427-shade-reforming-rebirth-discussion?limitstart=0
I may post an updated feedback latter on but I think it won't change much (at the top of my head) :
- Some elements in the story show that you have a good grasp on the tropes of this "genre", which allowed you to play with our expectations nicely. I still have in mind the little sister's prank. It is not something that is present on most stories, even canon one, and it added a lot to it.
- The power is really visually impressive. You can do a lot with it, the imagery is quite powerful. It's also a nice take on a power that could be considered quite bland traditionnaly. (Of course you may reveal things latter on, It may seem like a regenerator trait while not being really one.)
8 years 5 months ago #3
by Polk Kitsune
Posts:
431
Gender:
Unknown
Birthdate:
Unknown
My story: Evershade: Reforming
- Polk Kitsune
-
Topic Author
Thank you very much. ^^ I do hope you enjoy the full read, and there were some changes, not to forget cleaning up, though I can't tell which version was the last one you read previously. I do really look forward to any further feedback I can get. I'll admit, this was my first solo publishing, and my biggest shame is how long it took to get it to this point. I've had some help though, no questions about it, and I wouldn't have gone this far without encouragement.
Kristin had mentioned some bigger changes could be done, and I've argued with myself for weeks if I should proceed with working on those. One major change done was obvious, and I'm glad I got to do it with a good solution to the end result, but the rest... Not that there weren't some good points to the idea, but I went for it as is. I'll deal with the criticism, if it comes to that.
Thanks for the link on the previous thread, though some will find some of the comments may be slightly out of context there. ;3
-Heehee. And thanks. I did want to make the story different in some manners, compared to some of the others being told. I'm familiar with some of the TG tropes, and using it to tweak some parts. Though I also do realize I do stick with some cliches too, but some just make sense.
-And of course, things may develop with time, you never know. ;3 When deciding on what kind of character I wanted to do, I again tried to look for different, the unusual. In some aspect, it's powerful, yet it's 'only regeneration'. And that caused it's own little unique challenge in of itself. "How do I have someone 'manifest' with only regeneration?" I worked from that. It also makes for a different kind of tension, since I can't just threaten to hurt her, and say it's tense or scary, since you have a good idea she'll heal. So I had to find other ways to work things. How would this regeneration be an obstacle? Where else can I find drama? And how can I make a story exciting, for a character that heals, but is, in this setting, rather powerless in comparison to some of the powerholders out there.
Kristin had mentioned some bigger changes could be done, and I've argued with myself for weeks if I should proceed with working on those. One major change done was obvious, and I'm glad I got to do it with a good solution to the end result, but the rest... Not that there weren't some good points to the idea, but I went for it as is. I'll deal with the criticism, if it comes to that.
Thanks for the link on the previous thread, though some will find some of the comments may be slightly out of context there. ;3
-Heehee. And thanks. I did want to make the story different in some manners, compared to some of the others being told. I'm familiar with some of the TG tropes, and using it to tweak some parts. Though I also do realize I do stick with some cliches too, but some just make sense.
-And of course, things may develop with time, you never know. ;3 When deciding on what kind of character I wanted to do, I again tried to look for different, the unusual. In some aspect, it's powerful, yet it's 'only regeneration'. And that caused it's own little unique challenge in of itself. "How do I have someone 'manifest' with only regeneration?" I worked from that. It also makes for a different kind of tension, since I can't just threaten to hurt her, and say it's tense or scary, since you have a good idea she'll heal. So I had to find other ways to work things. How would this regeneration be an obstacle? Where else can I find drama? And how can I make a story exciting, for a character that heals, but is, in this setting, rather powerless in comparison to some of the powerholders out there.
My story: Evershade: Reforming
8 years 5 months ago #4
by Malady
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- Malady
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And with that description, I want to reread now... To look at it from the lens of "A manifestation of a mutant who only regenerates"...
8 years 5 months ago #5
by GrimGrendel
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243
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Female
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Unknown
Up for review: Magpies 1 - Flock (Part 1)
- GrimGrendel
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Okay, reading only the comments here, I feel like this is something I have to read :3 Regeneration for only power? Sign me in!
It is an impressive pile of words though, so it might take me some time.
Looking forward to the read (^w^)
It is an impressive pile of words though, so it might take me some time.
Looking forward to the read (^w^)
Up for review: Magpies 1 - Flock (Part 1)
8 years 5 months ago #6
by Polk Kitsune
Posts:
431
Gender:
Unknown
Birthdate:
Unknown
My story: Evershade: Reforming
- Polk Kitsune
-
Topic Author
Heeheehee. I do hope you enjoy then. ^^
It's a long one, true, and I'd considered splitting it into two sections, but thankfully, it is split into a prologue and 10 chapters, so it might be easier to find your way back.
It's a long one, true, and I'd considered splitting it into two sections, but thankfully, it is split into a prologue and 10 chapters, so it might be easier to find your way back.
My story: Evershade: Reforming
8 years 5 months ago #7
by GrimGrendel
Posts:
243
Gender:
Female
Birthdate:
Unknown
Up for review: Magpies 1 - Flock (Part 1)
- GrimGrendel
-
So I couldn't resist binge reading the thing. I have no regrets.
Scene by scene reactions and thoughts
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Prologue : Nice first two paragraphs of intro. Short, yet quite attention grabbing. Exciting baseball play, dream-like sequence with the slide. Solid hook. Introduces the main character and a little bit of his personality, with a few other names from other players in his team. I wonder how baseball will impact the rest of the story.
Chapter 1 : When itroducing the sisters, it might help to know their age, or an approximation of it through a little more description of their appearance to establish their behaviours. From how Gabrielle speaks and reacts, I would give her 4-5 years old top. For Kyle and Abbey, I don't read much of a difference between them, so I'd say 13-14 and 14-16 respectively? If that's what you were aiming for, then good job.
'Color me surprised.' Gotta love puns.
(1* Sorry about this part. I'm not going back to edit it after reading the rest of the fiction, so you'll know that those were my real impressions at the time. I'll say it outright: I'm a idiot. Good reading.) I am getting mixed signals from how developped Kyle is. On one hand, he did a sliding dive the day before, and although it already hurts a lot normally, it would have been so much worst had he had breasts then, with the same sensitivity he has the next morning. It would feel like his chest got ripped off of him, and he would definitely have noticed the swelling back in the showers. So assuming his breasts appeared overnight (which is already fast enough to raise an eyebrow), they sound amazingly huge for breast buds. Comments like "two large swollen lumps", "not even the size of my fists", the fact that a cupped bra is too small for him, "twin balloons", all of these imply that he has full grown and rather visible breasts already. And yet, with only the cupped bra they don't show through his shirt anymore? It'd be more likely with sport bras, but that would only address half the issue.
I would recommend making the transition slightly smoother. Really exagerate how painful the baseeball dive had been, maybe make him have doubts as he changes out of his outfit, and confirm those doubts the next morning, toning down slightly the emphasis on their size to instead favour their sensitivity? That would be one way to go about it.
Ah, just reading about Kyle panicking over the baseball showers. Yeah. It should also have been mentionned earlier if there had been any development at that time.
Ball in the chest. Ouch! Sympathy!
"if that nutcase would have grabbed my bra strap" Now you have me thoroughly confused. His bra strap is more visible than the ballons on his chest? Sorry, not buying it. Some bras do have more prominent straps though, in that case it might be good to put in a few words back when he looks himself in the mirror to setup this potential difficulty.
Sorry if I keep obsessing about that one little detail. I'll shut up about breast size from now on. I'll just assume they are whathever size is more convenient for the plot at that time.
Oh, damn. Bullying from the ego jock and his friends. Valid reactions. I especially liked that they mistook him for a pervert instead of going straight to what's obvious for the reader. The jump to a direct punch and beating is a bit sudden, but then again I never lived that kind of bullying. I can definitely see it though, which makes it scary in its own right. The fact that the driver doesn't notice all the screaming, disbalance of weight in the running bus, or any of the activity in his convex mirror does bother me a little more though, especially once it was brought to my attention by Kyle. Even if the driver didn't notice, it's probably impossible for the students not to, and from the clamor and talk it would generate then the driver would definitely see that something's wrong. The bullies could get away with a lot, but the remaining extra characters should eventually react. Don't leave the rest of the world at a standill for what appears to be several intense minutes. Keep the world dynamic, involve the extras. Or change the scene so as to not have any extras around, if that is an easier way to solve the fridge logic of the situation.
Regeneration spotted! Oh, now I want to discover how it works. One moment he feels pain all over, and the next no pain at all. Is it activated by something? A thought? Mysterious and exciting!
Chapter 3 : Nice play to Kyle's insecurities in the shower. There's that one cliché, but that's pretty much expected from a TG.
Hah! Dad nonchalantly encourages Kyle to get a date. Is that a common tip from dad to son? Dad to daughter : No boyfriend; Dad to son : Get at it boy? (don't takes this comment seriously. I'm just having a laugh) I'm also laughing at Gabby's innocent comment. Good humor in this scene!
*Cringe* Denying the exposed truth to the two friends he actually wanted to share it with. Cringeworthy, but nonetheless more than probable when put on the spot like that. That's one point where I can think 'Teen drama, unfold!'
Bathroom scene : Makeup believe now. Nice. I love how Zack just keeps breaking expectations as he assumes his own thing. I am too biased as a reader toward mutant being the universal answer to everything. Well, eventually he reaches that conclusion too, but the time until then was entertaining.
Kyle leaves the bathroom, and we are exposed to some bully logic. Precious. Except maybe for the part "We've got plenty of time." A moment ago he admitted that Kyle does not know how to use his powers. He should not give him the time to learn them.
Call back on the bus. Nice distinction between the two kinds of bus, but I am not sure it justifies it that much. Was the first bus a school bus or a city bus? I don't think it was specified. If you think that difference is enough to justify the first bullying, then make it clearer the first time that they are in a city bus, and that everyone including the driver has a case of spectator syndrome, only intervening when the hot part is over.
Chapter 4 :
Bully scene number 2 : I felt for Kyle during this one. I got a few shivers of horror at how brutal those bully were quickly becomming. Brass knuckles and baseball bat? If Kyle was baseline, chances would have been high that he'd die right there and then. And to think that this actually really happens to gay people and other minorities. Sometimes, Truth in Television doesn't mean I like that truth, even though I know it is accurate. Good job on this one. I felt it.
"I was sure they had grown a cup or two." *Snicker* Sorry, I know I promised, but I couldn't resist this one. One cup I could see, but two is a huge difference all of a sudden, especially with the ballons he already had. I feel like Kyle would be one to underestimate the difference a whole extra cup makes, let alone two. It feels like something Kyle would say
Nice metamorphosis by the way. I'm sure he'll make for a pretty girl.
Chapter 5 :
The expected visit to the doctor. Still awaiting some answers. The suspense is killing me. I want to know! Gimme!
Black goo of regenerating doom! I laughed at that. I was not expecting this, and it did not disapoint!
"In fact, with my brilliant mind, I've already figured it all out" *Blink* I await a Sherlock Holmes explanation, as we barely saw anything of Kyle's powers. One blood incident, yes, but what does it tell us?
"The more your body repairs itself, the more female you become" DAMN YOU! Okay, so that baseball dive did in fact cause his changes overnight. Fuck! Sorry for the above. I mean, damn it! You really got me on this one. Shit, way to come into a reading full of expectations and have them crushed by splendid foreshadowing. It doesn't fix the irregular size issue for his breasts, but it does put everything I read back into perspective. I hate you. I love it! Give me more! (See upward for comment number 1*)
Hm, but now, why did he not change after his first beating on the bus? No answers were given for that one. At least not yet. Should I expect one after the latest surprise?
This chapter feels like it drags on compared to the first four. You have 4 chapters covering the first 25% of the story. It gives the illusion of being faster pace, which admittedly it was, but the contrast with chapter 5 is a little jarring still. And considering that chapter 5 ends around a third of the story, I expect the other chapters to be even longer. It's not really an issue, I just want to make sure that the imbalance is deliberate.
End of chapter 5 : Self-reflections, desperation, emotions. I just want to reach through the screen and hold Kyle in a hug. Everything's gonna be alright in due times, but for now, cry as much as you need in the embrace of your sister.
Chapter 6 : Gabby is so adorable.
Touching moment. I needed one of those.
"You don't have any bras my size?" "No. I don't. Sorry." Confused again, and this time not about the breast size, but about what age are Kyle and Abby. Having a better idea of the age gap and of Kyle's age would help here I think. The more it goes the more I imagine them both having 14, with Abbey having either a few months over Kyle, them being twins, or them being half-siblings of about the same age.
"SISSY!" Oh, the shame. Gabby is so cute, yet unknowingly so mean. I thought Kyle would fight a little more against the insulting nickname, but boob derailment is a powerful thing. So is a tickle fight. Had a good laugh
Dreading the eventual return to school. There is bound to have a lot of tension then.
Crushed dreams, okay. Self-reflection, sure. It feels like the calm before the storm.
"Other guy's wet dreams?" Ha, this one's good! xD Think first about pulling through the next few days and week before worrying irrationnaly of the years down the road. It's little thoughts like that that make me relate to Kyle so much more. It's irrationnal, it's frightening, and yet it's real.
"After a good minute of a proper panic attack" Careful there. It could be triggering for those that do have anxiety issues if they feel you are dismissive and not taking it seriously. There are so many better ways to show the fear gripping him than an off-hand comment to a disorder that affects 18% of US adults.
Lauren sneaks into the house? At least give us a few paragraphs of forshadow, some kind of warning so that it doesn't read so sudden. Have Kyle notice the bell rigning and the front door opening, but not care about it as he is lost in his own thoughts. It could be for Abbey or a message left for his dad for all her knows. And then, boom! Surprise Lauren.
Gaining an ally in Lauren. The pacing and the feelings of the scene are good. Nothing more to say.
Dad introduces Whateley. Sounds good, but don't you dare go ahead with those internet courses! I know it's the more mature way of avoiding the conflict, but it doesn't resolve anything. I was expecting a lot of complications with school, some kind of vengeance against the bullies, anything that would satisfy the expectations you raised with such aggressive bullying. If the jocks don't feel some pain, I'll be disapointed. Hopefully, there is still a lot of story to go through, so I will patiently await divine retribution.
Love the name Karen. Especially with the implied emotional bagage of his mom.
Chapter 7 :
TG tease. How many more showers until he gets bored of fondling himself?
Oh, the hair is coming back! This power will take some getting used to. Even though I understand more or less what it does, I was not expecting that reaction. As Glados would say, I need to start thinking in portals. Or whathever applies for his power.
Sneak Lauren again? Is her super power to appear from nowhere when it is plot relevant?
At this point I completely lost track of time. I think it must be due to the fact that the few few chapters quickly covered several days, and the latest chapters spend a lot longer covering what I believe to be a 3 day weekend. I have no idea if the shopping is on sunday or monday, or when school might become relevant again. I am not even sure when Friday ended and Saturday began. Friday Kyle came back beaten, and Saturday morning they got to the hospital? I am having a difficult time putting timestamps on every events, and it nags at me since it feels like it's been such a long time since Karen interacted with the bullies.
Lauren coincidally has bigger breast than Karen. Since I have nothing else to go on than these meager comparisions, I feel quite confidant in my theory that Abbey is barely older than Karen, and probably around the same age as Lauren. Abbey just acts more mature, is in charge of the money their dad gave them, and has had more time and distance to get used to the changes, so she is more assured than the other characters.
B cup. By this point, that was what I was expecting. I finaly just accepted that Karen kept exagerating the size of her breasts since the very beginning.
HAHA! Super sales! No way! I'm dying! xD Karen gets thrown to the sharks.
Nice try Abbey with the tube top, but you won't fool me. I know deep down you are still a kid, just like the other two.
Kay, thinking in portals here. Karen just squeezed her groin until it hurt. Naturally, this will kick in her trasformation, and she won't have that problem for too long.
Hm. The skirt solution before the tuck solution. I'll roll with it, but my mind tells me there should have been some pants out there that would have fit and provided the proper amount of space to not look weird. A ton of trans girls wear pants, so it shouldn't be that hard to find something right?
Paranoia from the stares. I know how it feels. You're so self-couscious that you think every stare back has actually been initiated by the other party when really it's you who draw their attention by looking at them nervously. Nice touch.
Karen, meet Owen. Now, keep the secret, have him develop a crush on you, let everything cook for a while, and what have you? Yep! Good old TG teen romance. Can't wait to dig in!
"and the whole thing lasted a week" The timeline confuses me even more now. Throughout the week, I can't recall what happened when. Only the general sequence of events.
I love how much I hate Zack right now. He's despicable. Too sad he got away with just a little warning and swollen face.
Aww, no school? New life? Smart, but unsatisfying. Karen can just skip school completely and enroll at Whateley at the end of summer. What a plot...
"Eighteen years or older only." Gah! Dear Abbey, mind answering a simple question? Are you or are you not 18? If you are 18, chances are that you are probably in college already, although I admit there are still possible scenarios where one enters college at 20 or later. But if she is just barely 18, how come she is so patronizing of an 18 year old rating for a movie? She should be excited instead that she is just barely on the limit. Her condescending reaction is too mature, more like 19-20. But then Karen makes the argument that she and Lauren could pass for 18? So the two are more like 16? Look, once again I obvious am getting too distract by details, so I will just roll with whatever. Same applies; the characters are whatever age is more convenient to the plot at that time. (Sorry for being so picky)
Bully scene : Good. Zack and Co are stupid enough to trail Karen and plan to jump her. So even without going to school, there will be some kind of faceoff. They'll all get what they deserve. I'm also curious if and how Karen's powers can be used offensively.
Chapter 8 :
Aaaaaand. Karen gets jumped. Didn't have to wait long on that one. By the way she is describing her agressors without recognising them, I take it they are not on the baseball team. Zack brough some extra friends?
I must admit that I was... shocked... by the ATV torture Karen went through. You went into so much detail showing the relentless and excrutiating pain of being dragged out through the dirt trail, even going so far as to snap Karen's spine. I hope you're proud of your writting, because you got me utterly disgusted and outraged at human's nature. *Slow clap*
Black arms? Interesting. No foreshadowing, and kinda out of the blue though, which lessens the impact of the moment. I was especting for Karen to nearly fall unconscious and live through all the laps, then once she's brought back to the group, all the blood and flesh spread across the forest would come back angrily to her and at least put some hurt into the dazed gang. However, I don't write the script, and I apparently have no idea how her power works, so I'll remain patient. (By the way, I'm kind of numb due to the gruesomeness at this point. I needed a breather after reading Karen's last wishes. I know there is dramatic tension as she tries to uncuff herself, but it's hard for me to care about that while still remaining numb to the ongoing torture. I didn't think I was that sensitive, but I guess I am. That's more a personal comment about my own limit as a reader, so don't take it to mean your writing is bad. It achieved precisely the result you wanted. I got better when Karen was wrestling for the controls of the ATV, since at that point the torture is kind of over.)
"Deep breaths. Deep- "GGRKH!" No deep breaths! No deep breaths" *Cackle* Thanks. I needed that.
YAY! The blood returns! ヽ(*⌒▽⌒*)ﾉ
"Girly dude's gonna eat our souls, man!" Better and better. Okay, I think I'm good now. Humor is good for the soul after all.
This chapter is long. I saw a few oportunities to put breakpoints, maybe you could consider that? It is also possible to split a long bit of action into multiple chapters. It won't ruin the pace if you find a dramatic moment to spilt at, yet it'd give the reader an oportunity to pause at some point.
Phone trick. When in doubt, call the guys your enemies are scared off. Works like a charm to win a battle, but it doesn't win you the war.
"Some might call me fixated on them, but they were so hard to ignore." Is this why I keep fixating on her breasts too? Because she keeps brigning them into focus?
When Emily starts panicking because Karen is intersex with high regeneration, the first thought that crossed my mind before reading any further was self-impregnation and a rapidly developping baby.
Bullseye! Even though the reveal was quick, you gave a good amount of hints so it was really satisfying to reach that conclusion before Emily's explanation.
"the odds of an intersexed transgender mutant are rather low: about one in six." Oh you. Are you refering to team Kimba? Because with all the TG at Poe, the ratio for mutants who became intersex is rather low. And in the medical field, a ratio of one in six is definitely not a low ratio. I would recommend simply removing the statistic altogether
Her dad wants to run away right this moment? He already had everything planned ahead of time? How can he just jump the shark and leave on a moment's notice? That's a life changing decision, he would at least have needed a few days to find a place to stay and to decide where to go.
What happened with Owen? What happened to the mouse? Will Karen never tell her best friend about all the things that happened? She's just going to leave and forget about him? She's caring about Lauren, but she should care almost as much about Owen.
"Do you remember... About that school you showed me? The one for mutants?..." Wait, I thought they were talking about Whateley all along. You mean to tell me that all this time they were implying that Karen will go to a baseline school? After her dad even gave her the Whateley pamphlet? I think what confuses me is the "Do you remember", which implies that the topic was forgotten at some point, whereas I thought it was anything but.
Chapter 10 :
"Some time later..." Really vague. Doesn't help at all my timeline problems. I will just assume that between three days to a full week passed.
Oh, hey. Here's the mouse! Hello Owen. Nice to see you again.
"After all those months" Grrrrrr. What the hell timeline???
Loving the interactions between Karen and Owen. All those stories are hilarious.
"i didn't see Lauren sneak around the table" Lauren has a reputation to uphold. She's always there when the plot requires her to be there.
Karen went to see her friends just before heading to Whateley, carying her luggage with her all the way? I can see that, maybe in between two airplaines depending on where her hometown is located, but if it has really been a couple of months since she moved, surely she could have thought of a better time to go meet the two. A way to have a weekend with them instead of a short afternoon.
The more he talks, the more Owen is putting both feet in his mouth. Adorable.
The goodbyes are bittersweet. Aw, my poor heart.
Chapter 1 : When itroducing the sisters, it might help to know their age, or an approximation of it through a little more description of their appearance to establish their behaviours. From how Gabrielle speaks and reacts, I would give her 4-5 years old top. For Kyle and Abbey, I don't read much of a difference between them, so I'd say 13-14 and 14-16 respectively? If that's what you were aiming for, then good job.
'Color me surprised.' Gotta love puns.
(1* Sorry about this part. I'm not going back to edit it after reading the rest of the fiction, so you'll know that those were my real impressions at the time. I'll say it outright: I'm a idiot. Good reading.) I am getting mixed signals from how developped Kyle is. On one hand, he did a sliding dive the day before, and although it already hurts a lot normally, it would have been so much worst had he had breasts then, with the same sensitivity he has the next morning. It would feel like his chest got ripped off of him, and he would definitely have noticed the swelling back in the showers. So assuming his breasts appeared overnight (which is already fast enough to raise an eyebrow), they sound amazingly huge for breast buds. Comments like "two large swollen lumps", "not even the size of my fists", the fact that a cupped bra is too small for him, "twin balloons", all of these imply that he has full grown and rather visible breasts already. And yet, with only the cupped bra they don't show through his shirt anymore? It'd be more likely with sport bras, but that would only address half the issue.
I would recommend making the transition slightly smoother. Really exagerate how painful the baseeball dive had been, maybe make him have doubts as he changes out of his outfit, and confirm those doubts the next morning, toning down slightly the emphasis on their size to instead favour their sensitivity? That would be one way to go about it.
Ah, just reading about Kyle panicking over the baseball showers. Yeah. It should also have been mentionned earlier if there had been any development at that time.
Ball in the chest. Ouch! Sympathy!
"if that nutcase would have grabbed my bra strap" Now you have me thoroughly confused. His bra strap is more visible than the ballons on his chest? Sorry, not buying it. Some bras do have more prominent straps though, in that case it might be good to put in a few words back when he looks himself in the mirror to setup this potential difficulty.
Sorry if I keep obsessing about that one little detail. I'll shut up about breast size from now on. I'll just assume they are whathever size is more convenient for the plot at that time.
Oh, damn. Bullying from the ego jock and his friends. Valid reactions. I especially liked that they mistook him for a pervert instead of going straight to what's obvious for the reader. The jump to a direct punch and beating is a bit sudden, but then again I never lived that kind of bullying. I can definitely see it though, which makes it scary in its own right. The fact that the driver doesn't notice all the screaming, disbalance of weight in the running bus, or any of the activity in his convex mirror does bother me a little more though, especially once it was brought to my attention by Kyle. Even if the driver didn't notice, it's probably impossible for the students not to, and from the clamor and talk it would generate then the driver would definitely see that something's wrong. The bullies could get away with a lot, but the remaining extra characters should eventually react. Don't leave the rest of the world at a standill for what appears to be several intense minutes. Keep the world dynamic, involve the extras. Or change the scene so as to not have any extras around, if that is an easier way to solve the fridge logic of the situation.
Regeneration spotted! Oh, now I want to discover how it works. One moment he feels pain all over, and the next no pain at all. Is it activated by something? A thought? Mysterious and exciting!
Chapter 3 : Nice play to Kyle's insecurities in the shower. There's that one cliché, but that's pretty much expected from a TG.
Hah! Dad nonchalantly encourages Kyle to get a date. Is that a common tip from dad to son? Dad to daughter : No boyfriend; Dad to son : Get at it boy? (don't takes this comment seriously. I'm just having a laugh) I'm also laughing at Gabby's innocent comment. Good humor in this scene!
*Cringe* Denying the exposed truth to the two friends he actually wanted to share it with. Cringeworthy, but nonetheless more than probable when put on the spot like that. That's one point where I can think 'Teen drama, unfold!'
Bathroom scene : Makeup believe now. Nice. I love how Zack just keeps breaking expectations as he assumes his own thing. I am too biased as a reader toward mutant being the universal answer to everything. Well, eventually he reaches that conclusion too, but the time until then was entertaining.
Kyle leaves the bathroom, and we are exposed to some bully logic. Precious. Except maybe for the part "We've got plenty of time." A moment ago he admitted that Kyle does not know how to use his powers. He should not give him the time to learn them.
Call back on the bus. Nice distinction between the two kinds of bus, but I am not sure it justifies it that much. Was the first bus a school bus or a city bus? I don't think it was specified. If you think that difference is enough to justify the first bullying, then make it clearer the first time that they are in a city bus, and that everyone including the driver has a case of spectator syndrome, only intervening when the hot part is over.
Chapter 4 :
Bully scene number 2 : I felt for Kyle during this one. I got a few shivers of horror at how brutal those bully were quickly becomming. Brass knuckles and baseball bat? If Kyle was baseline, chances would have been high that he'd die right there and then. And to think that this actually really happens to gay people and other minorities. Sometimes, Truth in Television doesn't mean I like that truth, even though I know it is accurate. Good job on this one. I felt it.
"I was sure they had grown a cup or two." *Snicker* Sorry, I know I promised, but I couldn't resist this one. One cup I could see, but two is a huge difference all of a sudden, especially with the ballons he already had. I feel like Kyle would be one to underestimate the difference a whole extra cup makes, let alone two. It feels like something Kyle would say
Nice metamorphosis by the way. I'm sure he'll make for a pretty girl.Chapter 5 :
The expected visit to the doctor. Still awaiting some answers. The suspense is killing me. I want to know! Gimme!
Black goo of regenerating doom! I laughed at that. I was not expecting this, and it did not disapoint!
"In fact, with my brilliant mind, I've already figured it all out" *Blink* I await a Sherlock Holmes explanation, as we barely saw anything of Kyle's powers. One blood incident, yes, but what does it tell us?
"The more your body repairs itself, the more female you become" DAMN YOU! Okay, so that baseball dive did in fact cause his changes overnight. Fuck! Sorry for the above. I mean, damn it! You really got me on this one. Shit, way to come into a reading full of expectations and have them crushed by splendid foreshadowing. It doesn't fix the irregular size issue for his breasts, but it does put everything I read back into perspective. I hate you. I love it! Give me more! (See upward for comment number 1*)
Hm, but now, why did he not change after his first beating on the bus? No answers were given for that one. At least not yet. Should I expect one after the latest surprise?
This chapter feels like it drags on compared to the first four. You have 4 chapters covering the first 25% of the story. It gives the illusion of being faster pace, which admittedly it was, but the contrast with chapter 5 is a little jarring still. And considering that chapter 5 ends around a third of the story, I expect the other chapters to be even longer. It's not really an issue, I just want to make sure that the imbalance is deliberate.
End of chapter 5 : Self-reflections, desperation, emotions. I just want to reach through the screen and hold Kyle in a hug. Everything's gonna be alright in due times, but for now, cry as much as you need in the embrace of your sister.
Chapter 6 : Gabby is so adorable.
Touching moment. I needed one of those.
"You don't have any bras my size?" "No. I don't. Sorry." Confused again, and this time not about the breast size, but about what age are Kyle and Abby. Having a better idea of the age gap and of Kyle's age would help here I think. The more it goes the more I imagine them both having 14, with Abbey having either a few months over Kyle, them being twins, or them being half-siblings of about the same age.
"SISSY!" Oh, the shame. Gabby is so cute, yet unknowingly so mean. I thought Kyle would fight a little more against the insulting nickname, but boob derailment is a powerful thing. So is a tickle fight. Had a good laugh
Dreading the eventual return to school. There is bound to have a lot of tension then.
Crushed dreams, okay. Self-reflection, sure. It feels like the calm before the storm.
"Other guy's wet dreams?" Ha, this one's good! xD Think first about pulling through the next few days and week before worrying irrationnaly of the years down the road. It's little thoughts like that that make me relate to Kyle so much more. It's irrationnal, it's frightening, and yet it's real.
"After a good minute of a proper panic attack" Careful there. It could be triggering for those that do have anxiety issues if they feel you are dismissive and not taking it seriously. There are so many better ways to show the fear gripping him than an off-hand comment to a disorder that affects 18% of US adults.
Lauren sneaks into the house? At least give us a few paragraphs of forshadow, some kind of warning so that it doesn't read so sudden. Have Kyle notice the bell rigning and the front door opening, but not care about it as he is lost in his own thoughts. It could be for Abbey or a message left for his dad for all her knows. And then, boom! Surprise Lauren.
Gaining an ally in Lauren. The pacing and the feelings of the scene are good. Nothing more to say.
Dad introduces Whateley. Sounds good, but don't you dare go ahead with those internet courses! I know it's the more mature way of avoiding the conflict, but it doesn't resolve anything. I was expecting a lot of complications with school, some kind of vengeance against the bullies, anything that would satisfy the expectations you raised with such aggressive bullying. If the jocks don't feel some pain, I'll be disapointed. Hopefully, there is still a lot of story to go through, so I will patiently await divine retribution.
Love the name Karen. Especially with the implied emotional bagage of his mom.
Chapter 7 :
TG tease. How many more showers until he gets bored of fondling himself?
Oh, the hair is coming back! This power will take some getting used to. Even though I understand more or less what it does, I was not expecting that reaction. As Glados would say, I need to start thinking in portals. Or whathever applies for his power.
Sneak Lauren again? Is her super power to appear from nowhere when it is plot relevant?
At this point I completely lost track of time. I think it must be due to the fact that the few few chapters quickly covered several days, and the latest chapters spend a lot longer covering what I believe to be a 3 day weekend. I have no idea if the shopping is on sunday or monday, or when school might become relevant again. I am not even sure when Friday ended and Saturday began. Friday Kyle came back beaten, and Saturday morning they got to the hospital? I am having a difficult time putting timestamps on every events, and it nags at me since it feels like it's been such a long time since Karen interacted with the bullies.
Lauren coincidally has bigger breast than Karen. Since I have nothing else to go on than these meager comparisions, I feel quite confidant in my theory that Abbey is barely older than Karen, and probably around the same age as Lauren. Abbey just acts more mature, is in charge of the money their dad gave them, and has had more time and distance to get used to the changes, so she is more assured than the other characters.
B cup. By this point, that was what I was expecting. I finaly just accepted that Karen kept exagerating the size of her breasts since the very beginning.
HAHA! Super sales! No way! I'm dying! xD Karen gets thrown to the sharks.
Nice try Abbey with the tube top, but you won't fool me. I know deep down you are still a kid, just like the other two.
Kay, thinking in portals here. Karen just squeezed her groin until it hurt. Naturally, this will kick in her trasformation, and she won't have that problem for too long.
Hm. The skirt solution before the tuck solution. I'll roll with it, but my mind tells me there should have been some pants out there that would have fit and provided the proper amount of space to not look weird. A ton of trans girls wear pants, so it shouldn't be that hard to find something right?
Paranoia from the stares. I know how it feels. You're so self-couscious that you think every stare back has actually been initiated by the other party when really it's you who draw their attention by looking at them nervously. Nice touch.
Karen, meet Owen. Now, keep the secret, have him develop a crush on you, let everything cook for a while, and what have you? Yep! Good old TG teen romance. Can't wait to dig in!
"and the whole thing lasted a week" The timeline confuses me even more now. Throughout the week, I can't recall what happened when. Only the general sequence of events.
I love how much I hate Zack right now. He's despicable. Too sad he got away with just a little warning and swollen face.
Aww, no school? New life? Smart, but unsatisfying. Karen can just skip school completely and enroll at Whateley at the end of summer. What a plot...
"Eighteen years or older only." Gah! Dear Abbey, mind answering a simple question? Are you or are you not 18? If you are 18, chances are that you are probably in college already, although I admit there are still possible scenarios where one enters college at 20 or later. But if she is just barely 18, how come she is so patronizing of an 18 year old rating for a movie? She should be excited instead that she is just barely on the limit. Her condescending reaction is too mature, more like 19-20. But then Karen makes the argument that she and Lauren could pass for 18? So the two are more like 16? Look, once again I obvious am getting too distract by details, so I will just roll with whatever. Same applies; the characters are whatever age is more convenient to the plot at that time. (Sorry for being so picky)
Bully scene : Good. Zack and Co are stupid enough to trail Karen and plan to jump her. So even without going to school, there will be some kind of faceoff. They'll all get what they deserve. I'm also curious if and how Karen's powers can be used offensively.
Chapter 8 :
Aaaaaand. Karen gets jumped. Didn't have to wait long on that one. By the way she is describing her agressors without recognising them, I take it they are not on the baseball team. Zack brough some extra friends?
I must admit that I was... shocked... by the ATV torture Karen went through. You went into so much detail showing the relentless and excrutiating pain of being dragged out through the dirt trail, even going so far as to snap Karen's spine. I hope you're proud of your writting, because you got me utterly disgusted and outraged at human's nature. *Slow clap*
Black arms? Interesting. No foreshadowing, and kinda out of the blue though, which lessens the impact of the moment. I was especting for Karen to nearly fall unconscious and live through all the laps, then once she's brought back to the group, all the blood and flesh spread across the forest would come back angrily to her and at least put some hurt into the dazed gang. However, I don't write the script, and I apparently have no idea how her power works, so I'll remain patient. (By the way, I'm kind of numb due to the gruesomeness at this point. I needed a breather after reading Karen's last wishes. I know there is dramatic tension as she tries to uncuff herself, but it's hard for me to care about that while still remaining numb to the ongoing torture. I didn't think I was that sensitive, but I guess I am. That's more a personal comment about my own limit as a reader, so don't take it to mean your writing is bad. It achieved precisely the result you wanted. I got better when Karen was wrestling for the controls of the ATV, since at that point the torture is kind of over.)
"Deep breaths. Deep- "GGRKH!" No deep breaths! No deep breaths" *Cackle* Thanks. I needed that.
YAY! The blood returns! ヽ(*⌒▽⌒*)ﾉ
"Girly dude's gonna eat our souls, man!" Better and better. Okay, I think I'm good now. Humor is good for the soul after all.
This chapter is long. I saw a few oportunities to put breakpoints, maybe you could consider that? It is also possible to split a long bit of action into multiple chapters. It won't ruin the pace if you find a dramatic moment to spilt at, yet it'd give the reader an oportunity to pause at some point.
Phone trick. When in doubt, call the guys your enemies are scared off. Works like a charm to win a battle, but it doesn't win you the war.
"Some might call me fixated on them, but they were so hard to ignore." Is this why I keep fixating on her breasts too? Because she keeps brigning them into focus?
When Emily starts panicking because Karen is intersex with high regeneration, the first thought that crossed my mind before reading any further was self-impregnation and a rapidly developping baby.
Bullseye! Even though the reveal was quick, you gave a good amount of hints so it was really satisfying to reach that conclusion before Emily's explanation.
"the odds of an intersexed transgender mutant are rather low: about one in six." Oh you. Are you refering to team Kimba? Because with all the TG at Poe, the ratio for mutants who became intersex is rather low. And in the medical field, a ratio of one in six is definitely not a low ratio. I would recommend simply removing the statistic altogether
Her dad wants to run away right this moment? He already had everything planned ahead of time? How can he just jump the shark and leave on a moment's notice? That's a life changing decision, he would at least have needed a few days to find a place to stay and to decide where to go.
What happened with Owen? What happened to the mouse? Will Karen never tell her best friend about all the things that happened? She's just going to leave and forget about him? She's caring about Lauren, but she should care almost as much about Owen.
"Do you remember... About that school you showed me? The one for mutants?..." Wait, I thought they were talking about Whateley all along. You mean to tell me that all this time they were implying that Karen will go to a baseline school? After her dad even gave her the Whateley pamphlet? I think what confuses me is the "Do you remember", which implies that the topic was forgotten at some point, whereas I thought it was anything but.
Chapter 10 :
"Some time later..." Really vague. Doesn't help at all my timeline problems. I will just assume that between three days to a full week passed.
Oh, hey. Here's the mouse! Hello Owen. Nice to see you again.
"After all those months" Grrrrrr. What the hell timeline???
Loving the interactions between Karen and Owen. All those stories are hilarious.
"i didn't see Lauren sneak around the table" Lauren has a reputation to uphold. She's always there when the plot requires her to be there.
Karen went to see her friends just before heading to Whateley, carying her luggage with her all the way? I can see that, maybe in between two airplaines depending on where her hometown is located, but if it has really been a couple of months since she moved, surely she could have thought of a better time to go meet the two. A way to have a weekend with them instead of a short afternoon.
The more he talks, the more Owen is putting both feet in his mouth. Adorable.
The goodbyes are bittersweet. Aw, my poor heart.
Afterwords
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I really enjoyed the read. I thought it would take me a while to read and anotate my thoughts, but I just got caught in the pacing and stayed up late at night to finish it. Hooked was the right word.
There are two plotlines that have not been explored too well by the end. The first one is Karen's black arms, which seem like an extra added on top of her regenerative package for unexplained reasons. The arms were never explained, and I ended up looking back on the reading and asking myself what really is her power. I still don't get it, and it bugs me a little. It felt as if she gained new powers simply because the plot demanded it. The second plot line that got resolved in an unsatisfying manner was what happened to Josh, Luke, Zack and the rest of the bullies. They got dissapeared, in essence resolving the whole conflict at the very moment Karen made her emergency phone call. There was still dramatic tension left after that 911 call, yet it just melted away without any reason. Karen just leaves, and when she comes back many months later, everything has been resolved for her. Not that the resolution in chapter 10 was not touching and moving; it was. I liked it. I just feel disapointed as I thought there was still untapped potential that got patched away.
I had more comments at the beggining of the story, where everything was uncertain, but eventually I settled in and rolled with the exposition you provided. I don't have much to say about the every day casual life of the middle chapters, other than it was a little long comparatively to the short but high voltage tension that occurs before. Considering the length and amount of details of the drama that occurs after, I would say that the first part of the story could be buffed up a little more, to get it more in line with the pacing of the casual middle and torturous end.
Do you plan on continuing the story at Whateley? If so, getting some details about how Karen's family settled up would open new possibilities and hooks for that story. What happened to her dad, what does Abbey think of the new home, things like that. (If there is a continuity, mind pointing me in the right direction?)
There are two plotlines that have not been explored too well by the end. The first one is Karen's black arms, which seem like an extra added on top of her regenerative package for unexplained reasons. The arms were never explained, and I ended up looking back on the reading and asking myself what really is her power. I still don't get it, and it bugs me a little. It felt as if she gained new powers simply because the plot demanded it. The second plot line that got resolved in an unsatisfying manner was what happened to Josh, Luke, Zack and the rest of the bullies. They got dissapeared, in essence resolving the whole conflict at the very moment Karen made her emergency phone call. There was still dramatic tension left after that 911 call, yet it just melted away without any reason. Karen just leaves, and when she comes back many months later, everything has been resolved for her. Not that the resolution in chapter 10 was not touching and moving; it was. I liked it. I just feel disapointed as I thought there was still untapped potential that got patched away.
I had more comments at the beggining of the story, where everything was uncertain, but eventually I settled in and rolled with the exposition you provided. I don't have much to say about the every day casual life of the middle chapters, other than it was a little long comparatively to the short but high voltage tension that occurs before. Considering the length and amount of details of the drama that occurs after, I would say that the first part of the story could be buffed up a little more, to get it more in line with the pacing of the casual middle and torturous end.
Do you plan on continuing the story at Whateley? If so, getting some details about how Karen's family settled up would open new possibilities and hooks for that story. What happened to her dad, what does Abbey think of the new home, things like that. (If there is a continuity, mind pointing me in the right direction?)
Typos
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Typos (only those that jumped at me. I didn't actually proofread):
- the two of them were my best friends (were -> had been)
- a long time ago, and it was rather hard (remove the 'and')
- but I didn't liek to take (like)
- I was reaching the bus stop, but it didn't take long before snapped right back forward (It seems like there's a word missing in front of 'snapped'. I can't figure out what the last part of the sentence means though.)
- Owen and I had turned each game into a competition, and spent all our money in the process. By the time it was all over, we were exhausted. Owen and I had turned each game into a competition, and spent all our money in the process. (The repetition is jarring. Remove one or the other.)
- She was looking to low (too)
- that she could see how much scared I was (see just how scared)
- There's only so much the camera on my phone can do. (Reads weird. Try : There's only so much my phone's camera can do.)
- I could the shivers it gave her (I could feel)
- They never had them before (I don't get what or who 'They' refers to. Change it to 'I'?)
- I didn't how to feel about that (I didn't know how)
- it might be just as much dangerous for them too (remove 'much')
- There's no real other way to cut it (remove 'real', or reword the sentence)
- As in disappeared too (As in he disappeared too)
- Or you knew what had happened to you (I don't get that one)
- I knew that since the night as over back then too (I knew that since that night back then)
- Those things that happen (happened)
- I snerked. (not exactly a word from the dictionnary. Try snickered, sniggered, or chuckled instead)
- and this time felt so much closer. (Not too sure what kind of emotion you are trying to evoke here)
- the two of them were my best friends (were -> had been)
- a long time ago, and it was rather hard (remove the 'and')
- but I didn't liek to take (like)
- I was reaching the bus stop, but it didn't take long before snapped right back forward (It seems like there's a word missing in front of 'snapped'. I can't figure out what the last part of the sentence means though.)
- Owen and I had turned each game into a competition, and spent all our money in the process. By the time it was all over, we were exhausted. Owen and I had turned each game into a competition, and spent all our money in the process. (The repetition is jarring. Remove one or the other.)
- She was looking to low (too)
- that she could see how much scared I was (see just how scared)
- There's only so much the camera on my phone can do. (Reads weird. Try : There's only so much my phone's camera can do.)
- I could the shivers it gave her (I could feel)
- They never had them before (I don't get what or who 'They' refers to. Change it to 'I'?)
- I didn't how to feel about that (I didn't know how)
- it might be just as much dangerous for them too (remove 'much')
- There's no real other way to cut it (remove 'real', or reword the sentence)
- As in disappeared too (As in he disappeared too)
- Or you knew what had happened to you (I don't get that one)
- I knew that since the night as over back then too (I knew that since that night back then)
- Those things that happen (happened)
- I snerked. (not exactly a word from the dictionnary. Try snickered, sniggered, or chuckled instead)
- and this time felt so much closer. (Not too sure what kind of emotion you are trying to evoke here)
Up for review: Magpies 1 - Flock (Part 1)
8 years 5 months ago #8
by Polk Kitsune
Posts:
431
Gender:
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Birthdate:
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My story: Evershade: Reforming
- Polk Kitsune
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Topic Author
Oh my! Such a splendid review! I'm honored! Woo hoo!
Let me see how I can put this...
Let me see how I can put this...
Spoiler-Filled Reply!
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Let me start with the breast issue. Yeah, I'll admit, I was vague. Really, really vague about the size, and it might seem inconsistent. On the flip side, if I made excuses, you might say that from the perspective of someone without breasts, to suddenly having the extra mass, they'll always feel 'more' than they should. Objects attached to chest appear bigger than they seem? Okay, I'm making excuses. Guilty as charged.
But I will say right now, your reaction to the sliding chest was perfect. When you realized it was foreshadowing, the reaction was oh SO GOOD! I'm glad you didn't edit it out. ;3
The Prologue was actually written way later after I wrote chapter ten. A friend of mine had wished I had more time with the baseball team, and I thought I'd add it for three reasons: really cements that this was Kyle's long term dream, introduce Josh, Owen and Zack earlier on, and the sliding on the chest part was a little extra I wanted. Suddenly the boobs appearing makes so much more sense than just 'wakes up, huh? Boobs?'. At least, when it comes into context later on. ;3
Your reaction made my day, and made this whole prologue chapter worth it now. XD
I really do enjoy all of the other commentaries, and so many good points made too, but I'm afraid I can't pay attention to every single details. But it's been an amazing trip to read through it all. :3
Mentioning Zack in the bathroom, and breaking expectations. It's a little something I try to do very often. Even from the get-go, I didn't want to just point, and go: "You're a mutant, Kyle!" I tried to dodge it for quite a bit. Even from the doctor, who might just think it's a condition. I do believe it's a bit of disbelief. "That's not a monster, that's just a trick of the light!" Your mind rationalizes the most likely scenario that makes sense.
Chapter 4, yeah. The brutality there, I didn't want to lessen at any point. I know you mention later on about panic attacks, but this is where I didn't want to make light of, especially that some people can actually face it...
And, heehee. Yes, she'll make a pretty girl indeed. I still have to find a good spot to put up some of the commissions of her I had in the past.
Chapter 5... Yeah, I do realize chapters are getting longer and longer. No question about it. I start just thinking of a little scene, and as I writer details, it grows, and grows, and grows out of control. Chapter 7 seemed so much smaller in my mind before I wrote it. But at the same time, I do want to keep the plot going, and keep to some pace.
For example, You mentioned how the black arms weren't 'developed'... I'll admit, I was pitching mentally the idea of an extra chapter in a special lab for testing powers, give another opportunity for Dr Emilly to show up, and fume about an old colleague of hers, but honestly, it wasn't the right time, at the end, to pile on MORE exposition... Not there, at least.
As for the bra size, actually, I thought that being in a relatively low income family, it'd be the kind of tradition to have hand-me-downs. Though I doubt Abbey would imagine Kyle to inherit them.
As for Whateley, let me be a little clear on this one: Karen wasn't planning on fully going there. Maybe considering, but she knows it's a cost to her family, and if she could just fit in like another girl, why go all the way there?
WE know she's heading to Whateley. For her, it's another little detail.
Ah yes. The groin squeeze there. In hindsight, I knew where I was heading there, so I did keep the attention on her little soldier present.
As for Abbey, I'll admit, I never set the age in stone. In my mind, I pictured her as already being out of high school, but never going to college. Not yet, anyhow. The family kinda needs her help. Just imagine right now, considering how busy the Father is, how life might be if it was only Kyle and Gabby around. She probably had a deal with the father, saying she'd stay around... Doesn't mean she's completely mature though. She's still the sister, after all.
Ah, Chapter 8... That beast...
Yeah, I'll admit, it is brutal. Overwhelmingly so. Even as I wrote it, I wondered oh so many times if I was going too far, too violent. It was getting hard to write, even as I had a blueprint in my mind, and knew where it was heading. But I didn't want to back down. I didn't want to make it easy. I wanted to picture how horrible something like that could be, and that people could even consider putting someone through that. I will admit that I was inspired by a real life story when I pictured this scene, and if I made a joke about it, I'd betray so many things. So I didn't hold back, and although I know it's harsh, I don't think I could undo it.
Yes, the black arms are a Deus Ex Machina, but they weren't a 'solve everything' solution. They didn't go around, and plow through the bullies. It tossed Karen a way out, and if she hadn't pulled her way back up, determined to live, things might have ended much different. I'm proud of the result, and if a little miracle was needed, then it's a cost I'd take.
As for the phone trick, this was also added in after some big feedback. The original scene felt like a cop-out, and I think I left it in spoilers in the fabrication lab. Took me a while to figure a way out, but this was much better.
As for the rates of intersex mutants, actually, I think I pulled that from Sara's Purple Book, that mentions the statistic. And true, one in six may not have been small in medical terms, considering the rarity of intersexed mutants, Emilly may have been playing the odds.
Heeheehee. I'm glad you really enjoyed, and got hooked. ^^ Nothing makes me happier than someone who really got hooked~<3
But if you want to know: Yes, I am planning on taking her to Whateley. Yes, I am continuing her story. In fact, I already have two chapters up in the Fabrication lab, even if most of it is up for future edits. Find it here: whateleyacademy.net/index.php/forum/fabr...1036-shade-2-rebirth
The more comments, the better I can make the story. ;3
The black arms, though I couldn't fit in Reforming, I am actually writing about them at this moment, and exploring what they do.
As for the bullies...
Gosh, there are things I WANT to say, but I won't. I won't! I want to hint, I want to give a peek, but I won't! I just hope I won't dissapoint you with my choices ;3
But I will say right now, your reaction to the sliding chest was perfect. When you realized it was foreshadowing, the reaction was oh SO GOOD! I'm glad you didn't edit it out. ;3
The Prologue was actually written way later after I wrote chapter ten. A friend of mine had wished I had more time with the baseball team, and I thought I'd add it for three reasons: really cements that this was Kyle's long term dream, introduce Josh, Owen and Zack earlier on, and the sliding on the chest part was a little extra I wanted. Suddenly the boobs appearing makes so much more sense than just 'wakes up, huh? Boobs?'. At least, when it comes into context later on. ;3
Your reaction made my day, and made this whole prologue chapter worth it now. XD
I really do enjoy all of the other commentaries, and so many good points made too, but I'm afraid I can't pay attention to every single details. But it's been an amazing trip to read through it all. :3
Mentioning Zack in the bathroom, and breaking expectations. It's a little something I try to do very often. Even from the get-go, I didn't want to just point, and go: "You're a mutant, Kyle!" I tried to dodge it for quite a bit. Even from the doctor, who might just think it's a condition. I do believe it's a bit of disbelief. "That's not a monster, that's just a trick of the light!" Your mind rationalizes the most likely scenario that makes sense.
Chapter 4, yeah. The brutality there, I didn't want to lessen at any point. I know you mention later on about panic attacks, but this is where I didn't want to make light of, especially that some people can actually face it...
And, heehee. Yes, she'll make a pretty girl indeed. I still have to find a good spot to put up some of the commissions of her I had in the past.
Chapter 5... Yeah, I do realize chapters are getting longer and longer. No question about it. I start just thinking of a little scene, and as I writer details, it grows, and grows, and grows out of control. Chapter 7 seemed so much smaller in my mind before I wrote it. But at the same time, I do want to keep the plot going, and keep to some pace.
For example, You mentioned how the black arms weren't 'developed'... I'll admit, I was pitching mentally the idea of an extra chapter in a special lab for testing powers, give another opportunity for Dr Emilly to show up, and fume about an old colleague of hers, but honestly, it wasn't the right time, at the end, to pile on MORE exposition... Not there, at least.
As for the bra size, actually, I thought that being in a relatively low income family, it'd be the kind of tradition to have hand-me-downs. Though I doubt Abbey would imagine Kyle to inherit them.
As for Whateley, let me be a little clear on this one: Karen wasn't planning on fully going there. Maybe considering, but she knows it's a cost to her family, and if she could just fit in like another girl, why go all the way there?
WE know she's heading to Whateley. For her, it's another little detail.
Ah yes. The groin squeeze there. In hindsight, I knew where I was heading there, so I did keep the attention on her little soldier present.
As for Abbey, I'll admit, I never set the age in stone. In my mind, I pictured her as already being out of high school, but never going to college. Not yet, anyhow. The family kinda needs her help. Just imagine right now, considering how busy the Father is, how life might be if it was only Kyle and Gabby around. She probably had a deal with the father, saying she'd stay around... Doesn't mean she's completely mature though. She's still the sister, after all.
Ah, Chapter 8... That beast...
Yeah, I'll admit, it is brutal. Overwhelmingly so. Even as I wrote it, I wondered oh so many times if I was going too far, too violent. It was getting hard to write, even as I had a blueprint in my mind, and knew where it was heading. But I didn't want to back down. I didn't want to make it easy. I wanted to picture how horrible something like that could be, and that people could even consider putting someone through that. I will admit that I was inspired by a real life story when I pictured this scene, and if I made a joke about it, I'd betray so many things. So I didn't hold back, and although I know it's harsh, I don't think I could undo it.
Yes, the black arms are a Deus Ex Machina, but they weren't a 'solve everything' solution. They didn't go around, and plow through the bullies. It tossed Karen a way out, and if she hadn't pulled her way back up, determined to live, things might have ended much different. I'm proud of the result, and if a little miracle was needed, then it's a cost I'd take.
As for the phone trick, this was also added in after some big feedback. The original scene felt like a cop-out, and I think I left it in spoilers in the fabrication lab. Took me a while to figure a way out, but this was much better.
As for the rates of intersex mutants, actually, I think I pulled that from Sara's Purple Book, that mentions the statistic. And true, one in six may not have been small in medical terms, considering the rarity of intersexed mutants, Emilly may have been playing the odds.
Heeheehee. I'm glad you really enjoyed, and got hooked. ^^ Nothing makes me happier than someone who really got hooked~<3
But if you want to know: Yes, I am planning on taking her to Whateley. Yes, I am continuing her story. In fact, I already have two chapters up in the Fabrication lab, even if most of it is up for future edits. Find it here: whateleyacademy.net/index.php/forum/fabr...1036-shade-2-rebirth
The more comments, the better I can make the story. ;3
The black arms, though I couldn't fit in Reforming, I am actually writing about them at this moment, and exploring what they do.
As for the bullies...
Gosh, there are things I WANT to say, but I won't. I won't! I want to hint, I want to give a peek, but I won't! I just hope I won't dissapoint you with my choices ;3
My story: Evershade: Reforming
8 years 5 months ago - 8 years 5 months ago #9
by GrimGrendel
Posts:
243
Gender:
Female
Birthdate:
Unknown
Up for review: Magpies 1 - Flock (Part 1)
- GrimGrendel
-
Will we get lost in all those discussion threads?
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Re Breasts : I don't really have a problem with Kyle exagerating the size of his breasts, but if you raise the expectations that they are big and visible, the reader will find it odd that Kyle is able to hide them at all. My biggest issue is that Zack notices the bra strap instead of the breasts themselves. Maybe if his hand happened to stroke that particular region of Kyle's chest, and Zack was led to believe that Kyle was wearing a bra or even a padded bra, then it wouldn't break my disbelief so much. That would be an easy way out. Another would be to have him notice small hideable breasts early on, and have them grow after his first beating on the bus, while really showing that the guys are kicking him in the chest among others. That's another point that's been missing; Kyle doesn't change at all after his first beating. It's confusing in hindsight, and I'm sure you can use that to weave the details together.
That reaction just happened as a rant at first, but when I reread it, I started to laugh, so I kept it. I wasn't sure how you'd take it however. In my mind, I keep seeing you reading my very early thoughts and laughing maniacally "YOU KNOW NOTHING MERE MORTAL! MUAHAHAHAHA!" Or something lke that :'D
I'm surprised you added the prologue after writing the whole thing. To me it's an essential piece of the experience. The story wouldn't have had nearly the same impact without it.
Any plans on reworking the first bus scene a little? I do feel like this one has something missing. At first, there was not enough details for me to realize that they were already in the bus, and not outside of it, and when Kyle thought of the other students and driver simply ignoring them, it kind of pulled me out of it. I talked about puffing up the beginning a bit more, and I think this is one scene that would benefit from a few more words.
For the chapter lengths, considering the length of your initial chapters as the baseline, you should aim for chapters between 7 and 14 pages long (once copied over in a word document). Looking at it this way, chapters 5-6-7-8-9 need to break, as they have a length of 16-21-37-27-27 respectively. Personally, I would create new chapters at the following breaks (some of them are pseudo breaks that would benefit from a little suspense. In those cases, I give you the lines that would start the new chapter.)
Ch5 :
- I didn't know what to think anymore.
Ch6 :
- That's when I heard a knock at my door. "Kyle?"
Ch7 :
- "But daddyyyyyyyyyyy! It's not fair!"
Ch8 : (NB: I split this chapter into three because there are definite breaks at the start and end of the ATV ride)
- But nothing came. Not a kick. Not a punch.
- "Holy shit!" I could barely hear the voice over the fading ringing in my ears.
Ch9 : (NB: Split right before Emily explains self-impregnation, for dramatic effect)
- "... What?" Again, she was using those terms only the adults were familiar
For Whateley, I recommend making it clearer that Karen didn't want to burden her family with the cost, and make her consider more seriously and clearly going to a baseline school. This should clear up the missunderstanding. As it is, it is alluded to, she thinks about it, forgets about it, then decides to go there without really having considering other alternatives, making the choice quite obvious to the reader. Make the choices more balanced in her mind, with equal consideration spent on each.
For Abbey, why don't you put that exact little paragraph you just describbed to me somewhere in the first 2 chapters? Four lines, and it would make a world of difference on how her character is perceived.
Chapter 8 is really well done, no matter how I look at it. You say you didn't hold back, I say you dominated the challenge you pose on yourself. Congrats. The feelings were there.
I'll accept the arms if and when they are explained in the future. Before then, I'll stay iffy about them.
Never read Sara's purple book. Maybe I should get to it at some point, since I definitely won't read it if I keep only to the timeline.
Speaking of timeline, are you planning on making it clearer which day it is in your story, and how much time elapsed between events? That was another point that bugged me for the latter half of the story.
That reaction just happened as a rant at first, but when I reread it, I started to laugh, so I kept it. I wasn't sure how you'd take it however. In my mind, I keep seeing you reading my very early thoughts and laughing maniacally "YOU KNOW NOTHING MERE MORTAL! MUAHAHAHAHA!" Or something lke that :'D
I'm surprised you added the prologue after writing the whole thing. To me it's an essential piece of the experience. The story wouldn't have had nearly the same impact without it.
Any plans on reworking the first bus scene a little? I do feel like this one has something missing. At first, there was not enough details for me to realize that they were already in the bus, and not outside of it, and when Kyle thought of the other students and driver simply ignoring them, it kind of pulled me out of it. I talked about puffing up the beginning a bit more, and I think this is one scene that would benefit from a few more words.
For the chapter lengths, considering the length of your initial chapters as the baseline, you should aim for chapters between 7 and 14 pages long (once copied over in a word document). Looking at it this way, chapters 5-6-7-8-9 need to break, as they have a length of 16-21-37-27-27 respectively. Personally, I would create new chapters at the following breaks (some of them are pseudo breaks that would benefit from a little suspense. In those cases, I give you the lines that would start the new chapter.)
Ch5 :
- I didn't know what to think anymore.
Ch6 :
- That's when I heard a knock at my door. "Kyle?"
Ch7 :
- "But daddyyyyyyyyyyy! It's not fair!"
Ch8 : (NB: I split this chapter into three because there are definite breaks at the start and end of the ATV ride)
- But nothing came. Not a kick. Not a punch.
- "Holy shit!" I could barely hear the voice over the fading ringing in my ears.
Ch9 : (NB: Split right before Emily explains self-impregnation, for dramatic effect)
- "... What?" Again, she was using those terms only the adults were familiar
For Whateley, I recommend making it clearer that Karen didn't want to burden her family with the cost, and make her consider more seriously and clearly going to a baseline school. This should clear up the missunderstanding. As it is, it is alluded to, she thinks about it, forgets about it, then decides to go there without really having considering other alternatives, making the choice quite obvious to the reader. Make the choices more balanced in her mind, with equal consideration spent on each.
For Abbey, why don't you put that exact little paragraph you just describbed to me somewhere in the first 2 chapters? Four lines, and it would make a world of difference on how her character is perceived.
Chapter 8 is really well done, no matter how I look at it. You say you didn't hold back, I say you dominated the challenge you pose on yourself. Congrats. The feelings were there.
I'll accept the arms if and when they are explained in the future. Before then, I'll stay iffy about them.
Never read Sara's purple book. Maybe I should get to it at some point, since I definitely won't read it if I keep only to the timeline.
Speaking of timeline, are you planning on making it clearer which day it is in your story, and how much time elapsed between events? That was another point that bugged me for the latter half of the story.
Derailing the thread
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Oh, and on an unrelated note. I saw that you posted your story both in the Fabrication lab and in the WhatIf. I'm fairly new to the forum, and following the noob guide I was told to post to the WhatIf, but it seems to me that you can get more comment from the FL. If I want to get more reviews on my story, should I start posting fragments in the FL? How does this whole thing works?
Up for review: Magpies 1 - Flock (Part 1)
Last Edit: 8 years 5 months ago by GrimGrendel.
8 years 5 months ago #10
by Malady
Posts:
3893
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Unknown
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- Malady
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The presumed idea is how public and what kind of feedback do you want. For now, the process is FL -> Feedback -> IF. If you go IF, then it's "I'm fine with the general Crystal Hall audience seeing this."
FL gets you... the forum audience, we're sorta good at criticism, and typo checks and stuff like that. Feedback, I think, gets you a different kind of crit? Personally, if I've seen it before, I'll just use it as a way to get a slightly different look and catch any other typos? So Feedback depends on who's gonna look at it... A smaller viewing group... and I dunno what else? Maybe canon checks or something if you're trying for that??
Full IF, from me, I'll give you a TVTropes page, as I'm apparently handling that right now... *shrugs* and I'll be a bit more snippy, although its in PMs or the restricted forums, if I feel that there are things that I noted before or seems like spellchecks haven't done, that should have been fixed? Some things would be understandable if they wouldn't set off a spellchecker, like "thong" for "thing".
FL gets you... the forum audience, we're sorta good at criticism, and typo checks and stuff like that. Feedback, I think, gets you a different kind of crit? Personally, if I've seen it before, I'll just use it as a way to get a slightly different look and catch any other typos? So Feedback depends on who's gonna look at it... A smaller viewing group... and I dunno what else? Maybe canon checks or something if you're trying for that??
Full IF, from me, I'll give you a TVTropes page, as I'm apparently handling that right now... *shrugs* and I'll be a bit more snippy, although its in PMs or the restricted forums, if I feel that there are things that I noted before or seems like spellchecks haven't done, that should have been fixed? Some things would be understandable if they wouldn't set off a spellchecker, like "thong" for "thing".
8 years 5 months ago #11
by Polk Kitsune
Posts:
431
Gender:
Unknown
Birthdate:
Unknown
My story: Evershade: Reforming
- Polk Kitsune
-
Topic Author
IF is something that has been mostly added recently for me, though I suppose it's been there since the new forum, and revamped recently.
The Fabrication Lab is for parts that are in works. They're in Beta, you might say. They're being worked on, and for me, I try to post, chapter by chapter. (Though maybe considering the comments here, I may have to split things into smaller posts, rather than big chapters.)
While in the fabrication Lab, I'd say it's your best place to give constructive criticism, and possible big changes to the story.
Independent Fiction though, is meant much more for a finished project. It's as close to a final draft you can hand over. Even being published in there, there's a process of review, and you leave your work for potential feedback, which is taken much more seriously. Story by this point needs to have a real solid structure.
And I'm not even sure, if, by the point you put it up for 'publication', that you can even edit it. It might be locked. May have to doublecheck.
The Fabrication Lab is for parts that are in works. They're in Beta, you might say. They're being worked on, and for me, I try to post, chapter by chapter. (Though maybe considering the comments here, I may have to split things into smaller posts, rather than big chapters.)
While in the fabrication Lab, I'd say it's your best place to give constructive criticism, and possible big changes to the story.
Independent Fiction though, is meant much more for a finished project. It's as close to a final draft you can hand over. Even being published in there, there's a process of review, and you leave your work for potential feedback, which is taken much more seriously. Story by this point needs to have a real solid structure.
And I'm not even sure, if, by the point you put it up for 'publication', that you can even edit it. It might be locked. May have to doublecheck.
Maybe. It's hard to tell sometimes.
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Mmmnnn. May have to consider on the breast size...
Though for Zack, he felt the bra strap not by the front, but by the back, through the shirt Kyle had. Not a visual cue, but more tactile.
And yes, I had to keep my grin down. Especially since I knew you'd realized what happened much later on. >3
As for the edits, I'll consider them, if I can even make them at this point. I will admit, I could have used this feedback months ago, in fact, I left my fanfic in the Requesting Feedback for months before officially putting it up, after figuring I wouldn't get more. I'm thankful for what I got though, and what you mentioned did make me wonder if I should make smaller, more rapid posts in the forum, rather than fewer long ones. I tend to split chapters in how the scenes play out, until 'curtain falls', rather than a set number of pages.
Timeline... Again, if I can edit it, but I remember clearly that I had set the whole arc, day by day, even if some chapters actually span a single day, like the second beating, into the hospital on the same time. I'd have to review my notes. All that I know for sure, is that it should have been by the end of spring, early summer, when baseball woudl be playable, and school ongoing... Until chapter 10 comes right before the new school year starts.
I wanted Karen to come in on the beginning of the school year for a very specific reason, one I'll admit, I haven't fully unveiled yet either.
Saying all this though, I welcoem you to read the next two chapters, and your feedback would be great in the Project Discussion thread: whateleyacademy.net/index.php/forum/proj...cussion?limitstart=0
Though for Zack, he felt the bra strap not by the front, but by the back, through the shirt Kyle had. Not a visual cue, but more tactile.
And yes, I had to keep my grin down. Especially since I knew you'd realized what happened much later on. >3
As for the edits, I'll consider them, if I can even make them at this point. I will admit, I could have used this feedback months ago, in fact, I left my fanfic in the Requesting Feedback for months before officially putting it up, after figuring I wouldn't get more. I'm thankful for what I got though, and what you mentioned did make me wonder if I should make smaller, more rapid posts in the forum, rather than fewer long ones. I tend to split chapters in how the scenes play out, until 'curtain falls', rather than a set number of pages.
Timeline... Again, if I can edit it, but I remember clearly that I had set the whole arc, day by day, even if some chapters actually span a single day, like the second beating, into the hospital on the same time. I'd have to review my notes. All that I know for sure, is that it should have been by the end of spring, early summer, when baseball woudl be playable, and school ongoing... Until chapter 10 comes right before the new school year starts.
I wanted Karen to come in on the beginning of the school year for a very specific reason, one I'll admit, I haven't fully unveiled yet either.
Saying all this though, I welcoem you to read the next two chapters, and your feedback would be great in the Project Discussion thread: whateleyacademy.net/index.php/forum/proj...cussion?limitstart=0
My story: Evershade: Reforming
8 years 5 months ago - 8 years 5 months ago #12
by GrimGrendel
Posts:
243
Gender:
Female
Birthdate:
Unknown
Up for review: Magpies 1 - Flock (Part 1)
- GrimGrendel
-
EDIT :
Too much derailing, sorry. Click here for new thread
Warning: Spoiler!
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Well, I don't have much more to say anymore. The ball is in your camp. I hope you at least have the possibility of making a few edits.
I will read and follow Rebirth eventually. You can expect hearing back from me before long. (^w^)
I will read and follow Rebirth eventually. You can expect hearing back from me before long. (^w^)
Up for review: Magpies 1 - Flock (Part 1)
Last Edit: 8 years 5 months ago by GrimGrendel. Reason: Too much derailing, sorry.
8 years 5 months ago - 8 years 5 months ago #13
by Malady
Posts:
3893
Gender:
Unknown
Birthdate:
Unknown
- Malady
-
Oooh... Uh... Find that thread that talks about WhatIF and bring this up there? We're sorta seriously derailing this thread!! ... Gonna spoiler my stuff and tag it Derail, maybe...
Keep a copy of the posts so you know the questions you want to ask though, until you repost on the right thread...
Keep a copy of the posts so you know the questions you want to ask though, until you repost on the right thread...
Last Edit: 8 years 5 months ago by Malady.
8 years 5 months ago #14
by Polk Kitsune
Posts:
431
Gender:
Unknown
Birthdate:
Unknown
My story: Evershade: Reforming
- Polk Kitsune
-
Topic Author
Hrrmmmm. True. We're going quite off topic right now. ^^;
Though considering what you've given me, I should try to get a review of your story too. Only fair, after all.
Back on topic though.
Though considering what you've given me, I should try to get a review of your story too. Only fair, after all.
Spoiler, Oh my!
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Hopefully, I can. We'll see. ;3
And I really look forward to your feedback on Rebirth. ^^ I hope you enjoy the read. ;3
And I really look forward to your feedback on Rebirth. ^^ I hope you enjoy the read. ;3
Back on topic though.
My story: Evershade: Reforming
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