Question Twisted Triplets Discussion

() = Things that I've added

[] = Things that I've removed, or notes.

***

tinny

shacking

already meet

No(,) sorry

ponchos out of -> ponchos of [Snappier.]

[Shouldn't canceling the phone tree be highest priority, even over clothes? 'Cause it's not like Stevens is the only root, each branch may sprout more branches! A.k.a those called might call others, so it's best to kill the tree soonest.]

he's way

hand[ ]written

desk draw

out heads

Constable Stevens wide-eyed stare

Once that was done, Stacy grabbed a dishcloth, and dropped it over Lexi "You know," Stacy started as she knelt to fold Lexi's dishcloth around her so that Sue could wrap the last twist tie around her waist as a belt. "All this, writing the message on the envelope, dishcloth ponchos and all that is really cool and all, but we should just have gone next door and Lexi could change to her normal size and borrow some of my clothes and carried us in through the front door. I'm sure we could find some dolls clothes in my room that would fit too, even if none of us is exactly barbie."

[:Lol:]

dolls clothes

(B)arbie

[Okay, you did note that the branches could be roots of their own.]

"Oh come on!" replied rolling her eyes.

dogs ears

I I [Happens thrice. Not here.]

***

"Oh come on Sue," Stacy replied. "She only gets to make a first impression once, and it's been so long since she wore proper clothes, all her fashion senses are like ossified."

[]

Sue blinked. "OK, while it's impressive you know that word and can use it appropriately in a sentence, I think, is now really the time to update Lexi on today's fashion trends? Like really now?!"

[ ]

layer venerability

***

frankly scary levels of emotional manipulation

[Agree. ... This section is AWESOME!]

No(,) Stacy

quietly lead

[This section is sad and awesome!]

Yes(,) it's

[Hmm... Picking apart the story? ... Child Services... This isn't gonna be good...?]

blond

[blond is male, blonde is female...]

Mrs. Kelly's(,) he

around(,) Sue

stating to rummaged

rack(,) Sue

pot(,) she

us?" Sue [Put actions on a new paragraph?]

fairies are actually just storybook creatures [Uhh... Wait... Is that Canon? If so, then Elves and stuff aren't fairies?]

Stevens expression

Thats it

Laughing Constable [If you can't see an error, assume I want a comma in the gap. Yes, apparently I'm that lazy. Or really want to finish the story...]

asked as

[Nice! Showing that the MCO is partially law manipulators and fabricators!]

Stacy lead Lexi

beds Sue

magic Stacy

its import

sheet Stacy

stand she

spell Stacy

yes I

Its simple

that you

Eye's

***

Sue sighed with the relief at the easing of pain, then sighed again to be held in lovingly in the arms of his wife. Sue let himself relax and drift off to sleep, turning slightly to cuddle into his wife's loving arms, murmuring his love as sleep overtook him.

[So sad!]

***

invented that

think Stacy

form I

disintegrated.* Turning [Put actions on a new paragraph?]

Sue a

Its not [Both times.]

[So sad!]

you Sue

head Lexi

help we

now and

future and

can Stacy

then if

Ah, I um. [Perhaps end with an ellipsis? "Ah, I... Um..."]

I ah well [Change punctuation as well? "I, ah... Well,"]

they where the

her,*

[Yes! Try and find a solution, Stacy!]

Stacy how

as and adult

appearances

No er, [I've got a personal thing for ellipses for awkward pauses... "No, err..."]

snack sized

Yes Stacy

No Stacy

[/i]hope[/i]

sisters spoken

to loss more

[Sad!]

Stacy I'm

pixies bodies

carefully he

they where

- specially as Shelly and I (Stacy and I)
- own in little more then fifteen minutes (than)
- she jumping up (jumped)
- just some of your more forgotten holiday memories, holiday memories here (remove repetition?)
- closing it behind him after laughingly Stacy lifted off (Stacy laughingly)
- Lexi dragging her along (dragged)
- first your emotions and unconscious would//Your unconscious did that (subconscious? Or is this deliberate?)

There was a lot of telling from Solomon throughout the story, a lot of stuff he had to explain and some that were a bit less relevant. There was a lot of focus put on explaining the camping trivia while I felt it wasn't always necessary for example. The fact that a couple of scenes are almost entirely Solomon explaining things with the other characters only being around to ask prompting questions doesn't help the whole thing feeling a bit forced at times.

The 'guardian fairy' comment from Shelly triggered sudden grief from Selanothis, which is fine, but it feels a bit jaring to see Solomon comfort the fairy over very personal memories when they just met. I get that Solomon is the best clairvoyant in the world, but that also extends to visions of the past? And Selanothis just accepts his intrusion of a very emotional and personal moment of her past just like that? It was bittersweet, sure, but I'm not sure what that comment added to the characters or the story other than to raise a few questions.

I'm surprised that Selanothis knows Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Wasn't she only surviving in the grove, away from society for so long?

The name Shelly being a nickname feels to me like it came out of the blue merely to confuse the search. If Shelly was a random name Solomon picked, I would have expected Shelly to be reluctant to use it at first, or to have some lapses at responding to a name that is not hers. This reveal could have used some foreshadowing I think.

At the start of the 'Training' chapter, how come Solomon is able to cast a sleeping spell on Shelly? It was never mentionned before then that he was more than an impressive clairvoyant.

I feel like we barely saw anything of Shelly's character. She was always following after Solomon, being guided by him and Selanothis. There was the grief over her parent's loss, but even her grieving was controlled. Solomon distracted her until such a time where it would be most appropriate and safest to grief, meaning we never really saw her deal with any conflit of her own on her own. Not really a critique, just a missed opportunity maybe, even though I can't think of how else to put Shelly in a position where we see her outside of Salomon's shadow. They would have needed to be separated for a little while, but that wasn't happening in this story with how protective Salomon was of her. I would be interested in seeing how she would act on her own, how she and Solomon might disagree or be at odds on some points.

I really enjoyed the story. Looking back, the best parts were the bittersweet romance-that-never-will-be between Solomon and Selanothis, the warmth of the three main characters being there for each other, and the love between them. The story didn't have to be spectacular, heck Solomon is acting as normal as he can, which deflects the whole manipulative precog I was expecting and keeps his character fresh and interesting in what novelly normal means he will use next to reach his goal.

And the conclusion was perfect! I just kept comming back to the fake Shelly and Salomon doubles Shelly created before, and I was getting frustrated seeing this story come to an end without having the doubles have some role in it, and yet it's implied in the last few lines. Not a hint of how they did this, only that they did, and you know what? I don't care how they escaped. The ending is too sweet and perfect for me to care.

Here's hoping to see more in TT1-p2 ;D

'Bittersweet homecoming' Two words in and already it advertises the best parts to come

"You look like your holding a sword. On guard!" Can't say I didn't try that once or twice

"Lexi shifted, now holding the chopstick like a spear" Now that's new. xD

Sue with her shifting clothes problem is adorable!

"Now, your former foster parents" I might need to recheck part 1, but isn't that a whole lot more reality warping than Shelly was supposed to be able to do? Was it addressed before that they got identities to match their new appearance?

Sue's first introduction to pads and feminine higiene. Just as awkward for her as I imagined it.

Oh, you addressed the foster homes. Thanks. So everything that goes on regarding their new identities is part of Solomon's previous plan. Got it.

Sue signing in the church. Very nice touch, keeping her past role as a priest deeply rooted in her character, even after all the changes.

"Mum came back to Australia when I manifested," Isn't Lexi over 40+ years old? Was there even an MCO around at that time?

I didn't really get why Lexi was scared when the subject of testing was broached. If Lexi is such a powerful mage who has had decades to learn and master her powers, can't she make herself appear weaker than a nuclear hit strike for the tests? Wasn't she a master of deception? Her worries are justified, but I feel she should have the maturity to see past those fears, keep them under control and find a solution on her own. After all, not only is she several decades old, she also has memories of living as an adult with Solomon. Even though she is a young girl right now, she should have the tools to deal with this. I'm surprised Lexi is not instead worried they find Stacy's reality warping or Sue's clairvoyance. Is it because they are easy to hide? Are they any easier to hide than the fact all three of them are Fey?

"Oh don't do that!" The font changed for this paragraph only?

Rebecca. The quirky lab tester every story needs.

"That sneak just got a true reading on the amount of Essence Stacy attracts!" It makes me laugh that as soon as I raise an issue, you address it a few scenes later. Or partially at least. I still think Lexi should have considered her worries a bit more maturely earlier, but having Sue and Stacy give off true powerful readings is a genuine concern that forces her into a difficult position here.

"You have three of the highest rated Mages we've ever tested!" Maybe I'm biased after being treated to so many Whateley stories, but 3s are not that impressive. It's a confortable number to hide under I feel like. Lexi's 5 is impressive though.

"A true six would make Lexi the most powerful Mage in Australia, probably the Southern Hemisphere!" Whoa! Ok, you got my attention there.

Now, why is the MCO butting in all of a sudden? I wonder. I also wonder where this MCO is located. The "Westmead Hospital again" comment leaves one to imagine they are close enough to know and recognise that hospital, yet the fact that the supervisor is not aware of the MMID hints that they are not in Australia, which raises the question of how they would have had access to the court case this quickly if they were outside the country. Also, having a supervisor who is so ignorant is slightly unrealistic. Among the staff, I would expect the supervisors to be the ones aware of internationnal limitations, and if they are located in Australia he really has no excuse. It can work as a quick antagonist for the end of the story, it's just hard for me to take the MCO seriously here.

"I'm so sorry, but the MCO are trying to get guardianship of your girls." I'm not too sure what to think here. You hammered multiple times that the MCO has no authority in Australia, and yet they have enough authority to change a hearing to a courtroom, change the time without the agreement of every party involved (Ms. Field was left in the dark), and they have the right to gain guardianship of mutants? All that in the span of less than an hour I'd guess. Sorry, it's just a bit out of the blue, since I was almost certain the MCO couldn't be a major threat to them.

"They do not give a flying fuck for the Australian legal system" I still think they should at least acknowledge it exists, but I see this is another case of you anticipating my thoughts so I'll keep quiet and keep reading.

"never once using such a crass word as 'paedophile'." You got me riled up as much as John did at that revelation on the news. The feeling that everything is happening too fast, that the MCO is not playing fair, that doors are closing in on you for every passing moment. I just want to strangle the MCO right now.

"Last night we received another patient, she's in a critical condition" // "I will, I'll adopt her right now," // "She's a foster parent!" This mini-arc is over way too quickly. There was a single scene to set it up, and a single scene where everything resolved itself in an unsactisfyingly quick manner. I don't see this having any impact on Julie's trial or relating to Stacy and co., and it went by too quickly for me to care for Doctor Mackay and the sick mutant. I'd recommend to either remove these two scenes, or to stetch them out, introducing the sick mutant earlier in the story, maybe right before/after Stacy and co.'s first tests. If we get to see the mutant, to have the three sisters meet with her and spend a few lines being sympathetic to her, then this mini-arc would have more emotional value. I would also recommend either streading out the different solutions a bit too, or give more foreshadowing so that they don't pop out of the blue.

Nice ending! They essentially won even though it promesses complications down the line. This story was Julie's time to shine, and you made that very clear from the very first scene. You promised legal issues, and you delivered.

Some of the revelations could use more foreshadowing. Retroactively, I understand that Lexi's worries were foreshadowing the MCO's attempt on her, but I didn't connect the dot until after I finished reading and went over my notes. I think that was because I associated Lexi's worries to her being Fey, not to her being the number 1 mutant teenage wizard in Australia. I think Lexi's worry scene could be reworked a bit to make the connection more obvious, to emphasize more her raw power than her Sidhe lineage. She could also worry about Stacy and Sue since both inherited similar power and would be exposed just as much as her, given enough time that they master their talents.

Once the MCO entered the scene, everything was extremely fast-paced. It gives a sense of the pressure John and Julie are under, but at the same time it feels too fast for me personally. Unexpected situations come one after the other, and the solutions are just as unexpected. Indiya and the Bier Cafe scene was sudden enough that at first I thought it was somehow Sue's doing, planning ahead through clairvoyance for her to be here exactly when Julie needs her. It could use some foreshadowing too, like introducing Indiya earlier in the story as an influencial friend of Julie who came to help her once she saw the news.

Sorry for beind blunt in my suggestions of modifications. I don't mean to offend. I feel like you anticipated my reactions from the start, which speaks of good writing. As soon as I found things to complain about, you addressed them and explained them. I now know how Agent Banks in TT0 felt when dealing with Solomon. (⌒_⌒

Thanks for the story! I'm hoping the triplets will live a happy yet 'interesting' life under the constant stare and pressure of the MCO.

- Will then, hadn't you (don't you)
- looked towards the Stacy (remove 'the')
- so their is precedence (there)
- has quiet the experience (quite)
- the people then she (than)
- your most afraid (you're)
- of Stacy's mothers (mother)
- one of the mothers own (mother's)
- She got Lexi's proper Mage (Stacy's)
- Raising, Rebecca gave each (Standing up,)
- for a long while longer (remove 'long')
- wrapping the the crying (remove a 'the')
- in the Mrs. Farnst's (remove 'the')
- Indiya lent back (leaned)
- can bet that (beat)