Question Dawn

Dawn isn't an IF, though, so this shouldn't be here yet? Or are you preparing??

He's getting real beat. Not dead... What if he dies? What will they do then??

He's taunting him hard... Secret... Mutation? Strange mentals could be from bully's power? Gonna have bully follow to Whateley, like Abyss and Evershade??

So, just thought of it now, but that move's actually what he says it is, not a lie to cover up him going to Whateley, or could be both, though...

And that's as far as I read.

How's he gonna explain his beating? He got regen? If this is "Sunbeam"... Photonic Manipulator Illusionist?

Esar wrote: He/she has posted it in the Fabrication Lab, I don't think you have to post your WhatIf in the place that shall not be named to be uploaded latter and processed as a "WhatIf" to open a thread in the project discussion category ?

http://whateleyacademy.net/index.php/forum/fabrication-lab/1691-dawn

Well, yes. But, this section is for IFs, not Fab. Lab stuff, which they seem to know, given what they said in the thread they accidentally placed in The Workshop: Workshop: Dawn: Discussion

Which should go in Order of the Worn Wrench ...

Adam is both provoking Scott, and standing up to the bullying. Contradictory actions, conflict from the start, a mix of fear and determination both. I'm slightly afraid he's got a commotion already ("throbbing in his head"), and we're barely a few lines in. Nice hook. Starting strong.

'I know your secret.' That's both awesome, and sneaky. Regardless of whether Adams actually knows any secret (even just a small one) or he's just bluffing over the fact that everyone have secrets.

It's my first time reading dialogue wrapped in single quotes. It'll take me some getting used to, when sentences such as ('Jesus, I freakin' hope so) close the quote early.

Adam's mom in the driving seat asks some strange questions to his son. Especially the question 'How do you know which truck your dad is in?'. I get that she might be nervous behind the wheel and second-guessing everything, but the truck she's been following since they left should be rather obvious. And it doesn't really follow from her previous questions, since before that she seems at least aware that she's following her husband's vehicle.

'Probably from squinting at that map for hours on end. I keep telling you to get your eyes checked.' Road sickness would have been my first guess in her position *shrug*

'Well, there's some sunglasses in the glove box.' His mom is amusingly non-sensical. Not that the sunglasses aren't justified; it is quite sunny after all. It's just that her comment doesn't exactly follow from their previous discussion of having Adam's eyesight checked. It feels like she's skipping a step.

'intermittent queasy spells' Didn't know about that meaning for 'spell'. Thanks!

Holy shit, that mom's reaction! What's so wrong with Adam?!!

'They were dead.' Oh, boy. What the hell happened? I know what happened, it's just... It really happened?! Poor him.

If Adam didn't notice anything visible in the mirror that would have triggered his mom, then there's a mystery there that I'm impatient to discover

'So far there hadn't been any 'unfortunate' accidents, no glimpses of anything forbidden, but he lived in hope' A true savvy ecchi boy. ;3

Scott is acting weird. Is that linked to the mystery of Adam's mom's reaction? More mystery.

Looking forward to see Adam get closer to Evie. And there's some signs Adams might be a changeling, so that will definitely impact their budding (sisterly?) dynamic.

I was going to write something about the fact that him being an orphan kinda put me off (the term might be too strong). But that would be unfair, I think it is mostly because I associate this trope on a subconcious level to other example I have read in which it was more of a way out for the author to create drama and to not have to fully flesh familial relationship etc. You have emancipated the MC from his past and he will have to reinvent himself in this new environment (I think it will be an important part of the story going forward ?)

I think we can safely assume (unless you are leading us on) that he will become a changeling (but that's mostly because we are kinda looking for the "clues" because it is a whateley story and the universe is rooted in TG fiction. I often wonder if people who had no connection to this "genre" would pick up on this clues as easily as we tend to do.

Your main hook is the mystery of what has happened in the car. He has scared his mother. I think you have mentionned that his codename would be Sunbeam ? It tends to make me think about a light based powerset (obviously), maybe he has projected a mirage or something like that, spooking his mother in the process. But we will see.

"Pat was casually gesturing with a sizeable knife as he spoke" Whoa! Overprotective dad casually threatening potential boyfriend while having 'The talk'. And here I though just being older and authoritative would be scary enough as it is ._.

"You know that's why they called you Adam" Oh. Adam and Eve. Hadn't made the obvious connection until you pointed it out. I should have paid attention to that. Is there a snake and apples involved too? :3 Anything meaningful about their names?

"I'm not sure how I feel about you developing a crush" Reasonable. And Adam's answer is quite polite and appropriate, although I wonder if Adam will be able to keep the same distance after a while.

Regarding the backstory and Catherine's death, is it a subject uncle Pat should have breached with Adam after the loss of his parents? Wouldn't he be worried that it might trigger sadness and pain in Adam? They've been together for what, a month or two now, and Adam is still numb. Shouldn't he be seing a therapist to talk about things? I understand that the discussion was meant to get Adam and Eve to grow closer, it's just that had Adam not been so detached, that talk would have been a huge emotional landmine.

"my parents were there, but they were like shadows on the edge, we never talked about anything, it was like they owned a house and I lived in it" Lampshade hanging. The parents don't exist because they didn't add anything to the plot. This is a choice that robs a lot of drama to this part of the story. It's hard for me to empathize with Adam when he's so detached about the death of his parents, and so eager to live with Pat and Eve. You mentioned the stages of grief, only to dismiss them a few sentences later. It might be worthwile to still show Adam coping with the loss in small ways, subtly going through the stages of grief without him realising that he's doing so. Memories triggered by an image or a smell, drawing comparison on his life before and after, missing the few good things of his life before the incident. That sort of things.

"Evie's robe had come untied, and the last throw had flung it wide open" -w- Good job Adam. I really didn't see this one coming among all the thrown pillows. So this is firmly ecchi it seems

"Objectively, no. But eye contact is easier now, yeah. Sorry. Mind blown. Better now." Wow! Look at how honest he is. Owning up to his wandering eyes like a champ xD