Question The Long Way Down Feedback/Discussion

Link to the story

I wasn't particularity sure if i should post this story or not. As it deals with the pretty dark subject of child soldiers in the whateley universe. If i should have asked for permission first before posting a story on such a topic I'm sorry and I will try to ask so in the future.

Oddly enough, mercenary combat in southern Sudan and the Congo is part of Metro's (Shadowrun-based) backstory. He turned the ripe old age of 15 on R&R after an op that could charitably be said to have gone south, sideways, and pear-shaped.

Ebola wrote: Link to the story

I wasn't particularity sure if i should post this story or not. As it deals with the pretty dark subject of child soldiers in the whateley universe. If i should have asked for permission first before posting a story on such a topic I'm sorry and I will try to ask so in the future.

Nice work.

Hard subject, but one that needs covered, as without it the WU would be incomplete.

"The Sphinx asked the traveller, 'Some say that we are monsters, and that we should be destroyed. Some say that we are natural forces. What do you say?'

The traveller replied, 'You are natural forces, and should be left alone. If you were not here, then who would ask the hard questions in the dark places of the heart?'"

null0trooper wrote: Oddly enough, mercenary combat in southern Sudan and the Congo is part of Metro's (Shadowrun-based) backstory. He turned the ripe old age of 15 on R&R after an op that could charitably be said to have gone south, sideways, and pear-shaped.

Well hmmm this is awkward, but I think that the setting of Central Africa will be the only thing that is similar. *runs to read your fan-fic to make sure*

Mister D wrote: Nice work.

Hard subject, but one that needs covered, as without it the WU would be incomplete.

"The Sphinx asked the traveller, 'Some say that we are monsters, and that we should be destroyed. Some say that we are natural forces. What do you say?'

The traveller replied, 'You are natural forces, and should be left alone. If you were not here, then who would ask the hard questions in the dark places of the heart?'"

Thanks!

It was a quote from a Sherri Tepper story from around 30-35 years ago.

Ebola wrote:

null0trooper wrote: Oddly enough, mercenary combat in southern Sudan and the Congo is part of Metro's (Shadowrun-based) backstory. He turned the ripe old age of 15 on R&R after an op that could charitably be said to have gone south, sideways, and pear-shaped.

Well hmmm this is awkward, but I think that the setting of Central Africa will be the only thing that is similar. *runs to read your fan-fic to make sure*

For now, I'm treating that part of his life as him starting out life in a different Realm/plane. If he ever ends up in canon, Metro likely isn't going to talk about some aspects of his African vacations to too many people unless their therapists at Whateley force the issue. It looks like, with the exception of raiding a facility south of Khartoum a year or so back, they wouldn't have crossed paths much.

His team:
* checked in with a merc unit in Tangier,
* were outfitted and directed to a half-a$$ed FOB on Pemba Island,
* barely avoided either a double-cross or a false-flagged op in western Kenya,
* regrouped at an undisclosed location near Lake Vic,
* totally screwed up a kidnapping near Gbadolite
* which resulted, through a series of misunderstandings, in a kinetic shot landing on the (former) Presidential Palace
* exfil'd back to the States [How he and another team member ended up in Ireland again - well, freaky stuff happens when you're a magician]
* sent back to hit a black facility south of Khartoum [At this point, if his body count hadn't been in the low 100s from Gbadolite, this would have taken him into triple digits for sure]
* back to the States
* let's try hitting a base hidden in Cairo!
* Better yet, let's not. He got to stay locally for a couple of months
* back to the States would be nice!
* got sent to Western Africa,
* wrangling an APC through Pointe Noire to strike a base near Loubomo was kind of cool but required much medical care afterward.

So the poor guy's got a decent grasp of Arabic and has a distinctive accent. And, just to annoy some people, he's visited Cape Town as a civilian.

Not sure this helps, or is simply more appalling.

Part 2 is up

In case anyone is wondering why a certain object is taken out by what amounts to small metal filings in the air and a road flare here is a neat little video

Hm. It doesn't bode well that their commander is trying to get them to safety while he's running on fumes himself. On the other hand, what else can he do?

Spelling nitpick:

Thanks for pointing that out Null. I completely missed that

Part 3 is up let me know what you think

I just read the last part of this. Other than being a bit disjointed where you change POV characters and this being the first time (in this story at least) that you introduce Jonathan I'd say that over all the story hangs together a bit better. If Jonathan has a story that should come before this I suggest that you link it at the beginning of chapter one. If not then please write the story!

One nitpick:


For me, introducing Johnathan's back-story before now would be more confusing in a chapter in which we're seeing the Red Boer start to draw the attention of more interested parties, not just one enemy or ally.

I'm honestly not sure that Fubar sleeps anymore. He might still be distracted or tired from dealing with the Fall influx of new students and new problems, so it may not make much difference whether he does or not.

Hm. Hemokinesis. I'd like to see the FSHA's reaction to that power!

Anne wrote: I just read the last part of this. Other than being a bit disjointed where you change POV characters and this being the first time (in this story at least) that you introduce Jonathan I'd say that over all the story hangs together a bit better. If Jonathan has a story that should come before this I suggest that you link it at the beginning of chapter one. If not then please write the story!

Thanks! Yea, the switch in POV is that way because I was trying to set up a way out of a situation without it feeling cheap.

Johnathan will appear again, in this story, and with Kyle/Fenris (from Wolves Bane which maybe going under a heavy rewrite), and another character yet to be revealed. That story would probably deal with their arrival/first week at Whateley.

null0trooper wrote: One nitpick:

Warning: Spoiler! [ Click to expand ] [ Click to hide ]

"Wednesday 29, 2007" --> "Wednesday, August 29, 2007" ?

For me, introducing Johnathan's back-story before now would be more confusing in a chapter in which we're seeing the Red Boer start to draw the attention of more interested parties, not just one enemy or ally.

I'm honestly not sure that Fubar sleeps anymore. He might still be distracted or tired from dealing with the Fall influx of new students and new problems, so it may not make much difference whether he does or not.

Hm. Hemokinesis. I'd like to see the FSHA's reaction to that power!

When this story gets completed it will probably be rearranged, changing a certain flashback scene to later in the story, and I may fudge the dates around so things happen in a different order so it flows better.

And like I said above Johnathan's arrival/first week will probably be in with other characters. There we will learn that Hemokinesis isn't exactly a 'clean' power

and opps thanks for the spoiler.

Part 4 and this one is all Max

edit: also I removed a flashback scene for story flow, it will come back later in the story.

Ebola wrote: Part 4 and this one is all Max

I've been enjoying the story so far!

Part 5 is here.

Also I know it feels like I'm jumping around a lot between Max, Johnathan, Fortune, and Uys but just bare with me. It will all come together soon.

Part 6 is here

Part 7 brings this to a wrap...for now...

Good work, with just a little bit of "what could possibly go wrong?" at the end!

Thanks! That thread that the end is probably going to stay that way for a bit while I take a break from Max and Johnathan and completely rework Wolves Bane. While I'm doing that I'll get caught up on the new WhatIF you put out with Metro.

Ebola wrote: Thanks! That thread that the end is probably going to stay that way for a bit while I take a break from Max and Johnathan and completely rework Wolves Bane. While I'm doing that I'll get caught up on the new WhatIF you put out with Metro.

You can never go wrong with having more wolves at Whateley!

Wolf girl and cat girls/boys. I forgot do they mix?

Thank you.

It was a harsh story, but one that is a good addition to the WU, as it covers a side of things that is been sadly neglected, even on this planet.

Have you read "The Dosadi Experiment" by Frank Herbert?

It has a planet, where due to the high concentrations of heavy metals in the soil, the colonists living outside of the main city have a life expectancy of ~20 years.

This leads to forms of constant warfare due to them trying to get into the city.

The story that you wrote would fit well within that framework, and the actions of the child-soldiers in your story works well with what has been documented of child-soldiers on this planet.

Another film that would give a good comparison is Snowpiercer, especially for the scenes in the low-levels of the train.

Mister D wrote: Thank you.

It was a harsh story, but one that is a good addition to the WU, as it covers a side of things that is been sadly neglected, even on this planet.

Have you read "The Dosadi Experiment" by Frank Herbert?

It has a planet, where due to the high concentrations of heavy metals in the soil, the colonists living outside of the main city have a life expectancy of ~20 years.

This leads to forms of constant warfare due to them trying to get into the city.

The story that you wrote would fit well within that framework, and the actions of the child-soldiers in your story works well with what has been documented of child-soldiers on this planet.

Another film that would give a good comparison is Snowpiercer, especially for the scenes in the low-levels of the train.

Thanks. You're right a topic like this has been sadly ignored largely, but that is changing with books like A Long Way Gone and Netflix's Beast's of No Nation.

To answer your question no sadly I haven't, but it looks like its from the guy who wrote Dune so I will have to give that a look. Also Snowpiercer is a really good film that I didn't expect to get that dark, but if you liked Snowpiecer, and you liked 28 Days Later, check out Train to Busan. Its a Korean zombie/infected movie that is really really well made.

To add onto your The Dosadi Experiment comment Mister D. The idea of Max spun out from the up above autobiography, with an obvious mix of WU martial, along with a series of sci-fi book series, highly recommend if you like sci-fi, called Old Mans War. Essentially, in Old Mans War human are able to travel FTL and gene-mod anything. So the create the perfect soldiers. Cats eyes to enhanced vision, plant skin for photosynthesis in case they can't eat for days, super computer embedded in their skulls for logistical support, and basically Exemplar 4 abilities. The only problem is that these soldiers are 'born' with out consciousness so they wait for old people who are ready to die and rip the consciousness out of them and shove it in the new body. Where they serve for years and then get a normal human body in return back to a normal life again.

Where the idea for Max can out of a part of the books where they introduce The Ghost Brigade. These guys are formed out old people who died before or mid consciousness transfer, so they a basically children in super powered bodies. I won't spoil anything after that because it is a big turning point in the books.

I'm going to keep all of Max's stories in one thread to avoid forum clutter so enjoy Max 2: If You Want Peace...

Thank you for the new chapter It is some time since we have had a story go into ARC’s workings and your story promises some interesting dialogue. I am intrigued as to how you will develop the story