Question Chainsaw wielding Maniac - Discussion

Hi! If you have some criticisms, feedback, etc. for my little story, let me know here.

Here's the story -

The Chainsaw Wielding Maniac of Whateley Academy!

Lol! ... And if they're a Devisor, they might have PK Piercing Chainsaw...

Now I wanna reminder on what Starlight was about... ... If you want more views, add links into your sig! It's under... " Add. Settings " > Profile Info. at the bottom.

I will admit that that wasn't what I expected when I read the title of the story.* Psychological warfare being used in the combat finals is a surprisingly interesting and unexplored (by the students) road to victory.

*Story time: I had to read the title 3 times before understanding what it actually said, I origianlly read it as Whateley Chainsaw Wedding, and then Chainsaw Wedding Master at Whateley.

Malady wrote: Lol! ... And if they're a Devisor, they might have PK Piercing Chainsaw...

Now I wanna reminder on what Starlight was about...

Thanks! I'm afraid he's not a Devisor, though his roommate is. More about that at some later date.

I suppose I could link to the old thread with the Starlight story, but it wouldn't make any difference as I edited the story out of the thread and the story itself has been lost to the divine force that is "Computer Upgrade" in the mean time.
I'm writing an entirely new premise for that story with the same overall arch I had intended at first.

Still not ready to post the first part, but it's getting there.

Jarjaross wrote: I will admit that that wasn't what I expected when I read the title of the story.* Psychological warfare being used in the combat finals is a surprisingly interesting and unexplored (by the students) road to victory.

*Story time: I had to read the title 3 times before understanding what it actually said, I origianlly read it as Whateley Chainsaw Wedding, and then Chainsaw Wedding Master at Whateley.

Haha. Thanks, I did think that it seemed like a good idea, and since Max is based on one my old D&D characters who did stuff like that all the time, it was only appropriate.

Chainsaw Wedding Master? I believe there's a "Bad Ideas" thread on this forum, though I'm not sure it's the appropriate place, as a chainsaw wedding master is not just bad, but badass!

Does he yell Leroy Jenkins when he charges?

You do realize that you are giving Jade ideas. Now there are going to be chainsaws flying around campus chasing bullies and the enemas of cuteness.

Valentine wrote: Does he yell Leroy Jenkins when he charges?

You do realize that you are giving Jade ideas. Now there are going to be chainsaws flying around campus chasing bullies and the enemas of cuteness.

Should have had him get detention with the gardeners. If he is going to carry around a chainsaw he might as well put it to use. And he can get some familiarity with other gardening tools. Hedge trimmers, hoe, lawn mower. And Kodiak made great use of a shovel I'm sure.

An excellent vignette.

Some wonderful concepts, and, an appropriate appeal to Sensei Ito's school of thought.

Jade would approve, and take notes...

Valentine wrote: Does he yell Leroy Jenkins when he charges?

You do realize that you are giving Jade ideas. Now there are going to be chainsaws flying around campus chasing bullies and the enemas of cuteness.

No, I think he just screamed like a crazy person.

Sure, let Jade have all the ideas she wants, besides, doesn't she have that spinner thing? But flying chainsaws, they sure sound scary though! I figure that Max will have tried to join Wondercute at some point, not because he likes cute, but because he had to keep his reputation for being crazy up to date. Obviously, they denied him because Max isn't cute. They'd much rather have his roommate, Toolbox, with his glorious red hair. Though he would never join Wondercute.

NJM1564 wrote: Should have had him get detention with the gardeners. If he is going to carry around a chainsaw he might as well put it to use. And he can get some familiarity with other gardening tools. Hedge trimmers, hoe, lawn mower. And Kodiak made great use of a shovel I'm sure.

I figured he should get detention with the gardeners, but Ito would probably have realized that Max would have enjoyed that, so to the sewers with him! Year two, Max will carry around a large pair of Hedge Shears as a matter of course.

Mister D wrote: An excellent vignette.

Some wonderful concepts, and, an appropriate appeal to Sensei Ito's school of thought.

Jade would approve, and take notes...

Thanks!

And thanks to the rest of you, I appreciate your comments. I'll be editing the little story a bit here and there, just some clarifications, re-phrasings, etc.

Greatdingo wrote:

NJM1564 wrote: Should have had him get detention with the gardeners. If he is going to carry around a chainsaw he might as well put it to use. And he can get some familiarity with other gardening tools. Hedge trimmers, hoe, lawn mower. And Kodiak made great use of a shovel I'm sure.

I figured he should get detention with the gardeners, but Ito would probably have realized that Max would have enjoyed that, so to the sewers with him! Year two, Max will carry around a large pair of Hedge Shears as a matter of course.

There's also the lesson involved in sending him to the sewers.

The monsters in the sewers can't be bluffed, so he will have to be able to follow through with his threats.

Granted this will be under the supervision of Stan and Morrie, so he would be relatively safe, but they will have heard the scuttlebutt around him as well, so will be expecting someone who can handle themselves effectively...

The reward for a job well done is another job...

I've edited the text a bit plus done some formatting.

My grammar skills are not as good as I'd like to believe, so if anyone find some errors, pointing them out to me would be a great help.

Again, thanks for your encouraging comments.

You might want to link this story into your sig as well. Also, sigs can use all the code that the forum itself uses, so, given your first post here, you know how to fix up that link.

What does D.E.M stand for?

Malady wrote: You might want to link this story into your sig as well. Also, sigs can use all the code that the forum itself uses, so, given your first post here, you know how to fix up that link.

Figured it out, thanks!

Malady wrote: What does D.E.M stand for?

It's in the story, it stands for "Deus Ex Maximus!" A name he was given after a lengthy and quite serious probability mangling event by the local MCO/Sheriff. Needless to say, he is not overly fond of his codename and prefers to go by Max, or Max Power! But no one calls him the last one because it's too close to his real name, Maximillian Powell.

I put up my second little story with Max, the chainsaw wielding maniac of Whateley Academy.

This one takes place almost a year later in the middle of September, 2007.

As usual, constructive criticisms, feedback, comments on flow, etc. are very welcome.

Many thanks to Malady for their awesome editing skills!

So, another small step in the story of Max and his wide variety of gardening tools. I gotta say, this one is not good. I really don't like it.

The flow, the phrasing, the whatnots, urgh.

If any of you have any ideas as to how to improve it, I'll be very grateful. What happens in the story does serve a purpose for the larger plot, but I'm not feeling all the rest of it.

Gah, now I can't even explain myself without it looking like rambling.

My Twinkle, twinkle; Little Starlight! story is coming along, sort of. I'm no where near ready to show it to anyone, for the simple reason that I'd like to be able to post something a little regularly, in order to keep the momentum going.

Well bugger! I had this piece of paper with an outline of where I wanted Max's story to go, what to write, people he meets, stuff he does.

And then, of course, I just had to go and tidy up and gone the paper is. This is causing me a problem given that, these days, my memory is like a sieve.

Fudge!

Poor lad... His brain is like a colander. Hmmmm, that gives me an idea. Thinly sliced rare beefsteak, add some sliced hot red peppers, celery, Thai basil, cilantro and carrot. Mix in some Tom Yum Kun paste, crushed black pepper, crushed Schzechuan pepper, lemon juice, Nampla and toss. Leave in his cranial cavity to marinate and wake up his muse. Garnish with a handful of crushed, roasted cashews for context and sit him down in front of his word processor.

You, are obviously insane, Boris!

Worth a shot! How much of each ingredient?

It depends... How many people are attending your brain salad surgery?

Does it matter how many? It's a show that never ends.

Yeah, seeing as how cooking seems to be a thing with various authors here, I'm going to have to use this discussion about brain salad and have Max cook some sheep brains (or are they?) for some salad and serve it to people.

Yeah, I'm writing that, this is happening!

I've updated the second and third chapter in the story of Max. Nothing really big, but still, I think it gives it a better flow or something. I don't really know anything about literary flow, so I could be wrong.

It is another entry for Max, the crazy guy with the chainsaw and the hedge shears.

In this entry, our intrepid nutjob tackles various problems, including, robots, capitalism, annoying sisters and redheads.

I know it seems a bit "wall of text" -ish, but I don't think it's that bad. It's a bit on purpose as I'm trying to decide on what kind of format I'll want to use, and if I can stay consistent with it. I probably can't, but that's a problem for another day.

As per usual, criticism, questions, whatnot's and Boglins are very welcome.

Greatdingo wrote: I probably can't, but that's a problem for another day.

It'll probably turn out as easy as taking garden shears from a Gen-chan!

Nice to read more of Max.

One question though.

What happened when he had to do his detention with Stan and Morrie in the sewers?

Mister D wrote: Nice to read more of Max.

One question though.

What happened when he had to do his detention with Stan and Morrie in the sewers?

Oh, there'll be more detentions for Max in the future, I'm sure. We can revisit that first, infamous time in one of those.

In my "crusade" against what I consider my own not so good writing skills, I have made revisions, additions and a smidge of editing in the latest post.

They're in the part where Max visits Poe and inflicts himself upon the inhabitants there.

If you want, criticism, suggestions, etc. are always welcome.

Two times in two days! I am the awesomest!

Anyway, this part is about a few other points of view. The first part from Max's roommate, Gary, Toolbox, Geselle. The second from the PoV's of Dreadthought's group, sort of to introduce the "bad guys" of the story.

"Bad guys" is a strong term, I know, I'm trying to intertwine a couple of different storylines into this one and my Twinkle Twinkle story as well.

Max's main story is between him and Dreadthought, but their respective groups have side-stories of their own. It may be a mistake, but I figure, if I'm going to make a mistake and go down in flames? They're going to be some big-arse flames.

So, posting this last part, I'm sitting here thinking that I'm not at all ready to actually, you know, post it.

But, I had a thought about something I'd really like a bit of feedback on.

I've read a fair amount of the stories on this site, and a fair amount of books as well. I'm wondering if I'm putting too much focus on conversations between the characters and if it's slowing down the story?

Also, I had an idea for an entirely unrelated story told from the perspective of a guy who's friend turns out to be a mutant, with all the serious problems that can cause, and gets sent to Whateley. And then how they meet again maybe a year later or so. Ignore this part, I'm really just putting it here so as to not forget it

Greatdingo wrote: So, posting this last part, I'm sitting here thinking that I'm not at all ready to actually, you know, post it.

But, I had a thought about something I'd really like a bit of feedback on.

I've read a fair amount of the stories on this site, and a fair amount of books as well. I'm wondering if I'm putting too much focus on conversations between the characters and if it's slowing down the story?

I tend to use quite a bit of dialogue, because people do talk to each other before/after class or while eating together. As sections of dialogue grow longer, they require more attention to tagging the speaker/thinker/message-sender. Even though an English speaker won't always include the name of the person they're talking to in their speech unless they're intentionally being obnoxious, doing it periodically can help the reader figure out the flow of the conversation.

If anything, I had some trouble with the first paragraph. At first read, I was getting the impression that David was managing to eat an apple held in his left hand while he was leaning on his left elbow and somehow Paul was repairing said arm all at the same time?

Not that I have anything against characters that may have a second set of implanted cybernetic arms (who'd have two left arms to work with!)

Well, that arm thing is just a dumbass mistake on my part. I'm left handed, so my mind always shift to the left hand and arm.

I've fixed it in the base document and will fix it when I re-post this part.

Thanks for that.

Aw, I may have messed something up. If you're sharp of eye, you'll notice. If not, then I'll have it fixed before you do notice it.

Erhh, carry on.

Morpheus is crimping your style.

I'll be honest here, I'm not sure what that means, is it good or bad?

Greatdingo wrote: I'll be honest here, I'm not sure what that means, is it good or bad?

Imp was seen wielding a chainsaw. So whether you think a Morpheus tribute to your character is good or bad is up to you.

Valentine wrote:

Greatdingo wrote: I'll be honest here, I'm not sure what that means, is it good or bad?

Imp was seen wielding a chainsaw. So whether you think a Morpheus tribute to your character is good or bad is up to you.

Oh, that must have slipped past my attention. Though, I hardly think it's a tribute, having a chainsaw is not that unique of a thing to have. If the Imp had called it Dick Cheney I would have been convinced

Chainsaws are surprisingly popular:

Sure, I posted the original story with Max and his ´06 combat final as a WhatIF - Requesting Feedback story. But, despite how I've wanted to continue working on the Max story, and I do have the outline of how it should go, I just couldn't.

Something has been lacking.

My thoughts are that what has been lacking has been a more "proper" foundation for the story. Sure, I've provided a bit of backstory here and there in the original thread, but it just isn't enough.

So, I've begun working on a sort of "prequel" story. About how Max arrives at Whateley. How he gets to know his friends. The story behind him laughing at The Don and Hekate to their faces. And, most importanly, how he got to be known as the craziest guy on campus.

In the original thread, I've hinted at how smart Max really is. That'll be more pronounced in this thread.

In fact, I'll just state it outright here. Max is very smart! He's a certified genius. Now, while he's mathematically skilled, he's not solving complex math problems like someone like Kayda or Loophole. That doesn't mean he couldn't if he put his mind to it. It just means his focus is elsewhere. He's very well read. Though probably not to the same extent as someone like Ayla. But then again, he's home schooled and doesn't have the advantage of a posh boarding school.

Max is a diabolical genius, highly skilled in manipulation and social engineering. And he has come to Whateley, not because it's what his parents would have wanted (which they did), but for reasons of his own.

I hope you enjoy and, as always, thoughts and criticisms are very welcome.

Here's a quick question for anyone paying attention.

I was sitting around, thinking of various stuff, when the thought occurred to me that maybe our chainsaw slinging maniac could do with a perhaps just one more friend in his "training group".

Thinking about what kind, I eventually thought of Zeno of Elea. There's this theory, based on his thinking, that a traveler must always cross half the distance to reach their goal. Then half again, and again, and again, ad infinitum. This would mean the traveler would never reach their destination.

I suppose that'd be some sort of Warp based power, right? Perhaps with some energizer or manifestor mixed in?

Depends on whether Max's team has a focus or not.

The basic team recipes all agree on:
* Bricks: "tougher than shit, stronger than fuck"
* Blasters: "Walking artillery"
* Brains: "Mages, Psychics, Gadgeteers or Devisors, or anyone who can fuck up your day by being smarter, more imaginative and more inventive than you, with what they’ve got handy."

The preferred fourth element is either a "speedster" or a "mover" ("Anyone who can get from here to there faster than you can.") Speed's good, but sometimes a teleporter is better. One of the nice things about tech is that good armor can let someone tank one or more types of attacks, performance-enhancing drugs can make someone faster, more pain-resistant, maybe think more creatively or faster, implants can improve just about anything. Magic provides an opportunity to buff the blue team and de-buff the red, including speed.

The fifth ranger role could be a wierdo ( anything odd: stretching powers, touch-based matter annihilation, etc.) or a wild card ("Two or more of the above mixed into an unholy union of ass rape").

Zeno's Paradox depends on keeping two sets of books when accounting for time. One in which the time step is constant, and one in which the time step of the observation is halved just like the distance increment but still assumed to be constant. A warper could apply the same to a volume of space in which time dilation is geometrically increasing. The amount of energy needed to bring that volume to a complete time stop would be insanely high, and it might be unhealthy to be near wherever it's released.

Mentally or magically increasing the target's mental speed without increasing their body's response time would have a similar psychological effect, as they're forced to watch as the world - including their pulse and breathing - slows down around them. Without a way to help their body meet the demand for CO₂ and heat removal, O₂ and glucose supply, the target could be braindead within minutes or seconds.

null0trooper wrote: Depends on whether Max's team has a focus or not.

The basic team recipes all agree on:
* Bricks: "tougher than shit, stronger than fuck"
* Blasters: "Walking artillery"
* Brains: "Mages, Psychics, Gadgeteers or Devisors, or anyone who can fuck up your day by being smarter, more imaginative and more inventive than you, with what they’ve got handy."

The preferred fourth element is either a "speedster" or a "mover" ("Anyone who can get from here to there faster than you can.") Speed's good, but sometimes a teleporter is better. One of the nice things about tech is that good armor can let someone tank one or more types of attacks, performance-enhancing drugs can make someone faster, more pain-resistant, maybe think more creatively or faster, implants can improve just about anything. Magic provides an opportunity to buff the blue team and de-buff the red, including speed.

The fifth ranger role could be a wierdo ( anything odd: stretching powers, touch-based matter annihilation, etc.) or a wild card ("Two or more of the above mixed into an unholy union of ass rape").

Zeno's Paradox depends on keeping two sets of books when accounting for time. One in which the time step is constant, and one in which the time step of the observation is halved just like the distance increment but still assumed to be constant. A warper could apply the same to a volume of space in which time dilation is geometrically increasing. The amount of energy needed to bring that volume to a complete time stop would be insanely high, and it might be unhealthy to be near wherever it's released.

Mentally or magically increasing the target's mental speed without increasing their body's response time would have a similar psychological effect, as they're forced to watch as the world - including their pulse and breathing - slows down around them. Without a way to help their body meet the demand for CO₂ and heat removal, O₂ and glucose supply, the target could be braindead within minutes or seconds.

Well goddamn! You clearly have a better understanding of this than I do! Holy shit that sounds scary as hell.

Max's team doesn't have a focus, it's really just him and his friends. Besides, with him being a prob[REDACTED]lator of rather hi[REDACTED]cus and a wizard to boot, he can make up for lot of low versatility.

His team is Toolbox, gadgeteer and low range telekine and regenerator (this one really only heals just a bit faster than a normal human). Elextrixx, Devisor. Firestriker, he's a fireblaster, only it's more volcanic than focused, meaning, he starts using his power and it spreads over a larger area (which is why he's specifically forbidden to use his power inside).
Then there's Bawumba, he's an extreme regenerator with an uncanny level of stability in his regeneration. He's a bit bouncy, meaning you push him, he'll start bouncing around for while until eventually stopping. This combined with a congenital insensitivity to pain makes him aggravatingly difficult to take down. Unfortunately, he's really only useful as cannon-fodder as his combat skills are not impressive.
Fused! The badass Exemplar! The guy with the cybernetic arm. Expert martial artist, tactician and a ladies man to boot. His only real problem is that he can't get rid of Max, who constantly cramps his style, whatever that means.

But, really, your comment just makes me like my idea about Zeno's paradox as a superpower even more.

I'm thinking a scrawny guy, sent to Whateley because it was a choice between that or juvie, with an annoying "Come at me, Bro!" style of attitude.

But...your comment also made it sound excessively scary! It'll need some fine tuning, some adjustments and some rethinking here and there. But yeah, yeah I think Zeno is coming to Whateley!

Thanks null0trooper!

Greatdingo wrote: Max's team doesn't have a focus, it's really just him and his friends. Besides, with him being a prob[REDACTED]lator of rather hi[REDACTED]cus and a wizard to boot, he can make up for lot of low versatility.

"We can get along without killing each other" is a pretty good focus!

On Mads' team, Vapaat Taivas (AV-3, WRP-3tb, introduced in "If I Had A Hammer") is the closest to a team speedster and a flier. She moves around much like Spiderman: in place of swinging on a web line, she's setting an anchor point in space and using it to pull her forward or to change her current trajectory. The temporal warping makes it faster or slower. Objects released in flight continue in the direction and at the speed they were going. It took a while to figure out how to make the pieces work together with any degree of consistency.

The downside to fast characters is that they tend to end up alone with backup minutes (might as well be hours) away. Slow characters, they end up getting left behind in the heat of battle. ( One of my long-term D&D characters had a 30' movement that couldn't be affected by haste. This was also how we learned that an ox can be a very useful mount, because Hank also happened to weigh 700+ lbs with gear. One of the others in the party had a 70' movement, before having haste cast. Fun times. )

So, yeah, movement/transport is one of those "your mileage may vary" things. How the team manages it can be as practical or insane as the team itself is.

Greatdingo wrote:

null0trooper wrote: Depends on whether Max's team has a focus or not.

The basic team recipes all agree on:
* Bricks: "tougher than shit, stronger than fuck"
* Blasters: "Walking artillery"
* Brains: "Mages, Psychics, Gadgeteers or Devisors, or anyone who can fuck up your day by being smarter, more imaginative and more inventive than you, with what they’ve got handy."

The preferred fourth element is either a "speedster" or a "mover" ("Anyone who can get from here to there faster than you can.") Speed's good, but sometimes a teleporter is better. One of the nice things about tech is that good armor can let someone tank one or more types of attacks, performance-enhancing drugs can make someone faster, more pain-resistant, maybe think more creatively or faster, implants can improve just about anything. Magic provides an opportunity to buff the blue team and de-buff the red, including speed.

The fifth ranger role could be a wierdo ( anything odd: stretching powers, touch-based matter annihilation, etc.) or a wild card ("Two or more of the above mixed into an unholy union of ass rape").

Well goddamn! You clearly have a better understanding of this than I do! Holy shit that sounds scary as hell.

Max's team doesn't have a focus, it's really just him and his friends. Besides, with him being a prob[REDACTED]lator of rather hi[REDACTED]cus and a wizard to boot, he can make up for lot of low versatility.

Have a read of the "Team Tactics" course modules as explored in the "Shoulder Angels" stories, and they give a good effective description, as well as some entertaining examples of how it can go right, and how it can go wrong...

I believe I've read that a couple of times.

I'm thinking that Max's "training team" came about more as a
"What? We HAVE to have a training team? That's horsemanure!"
"No, you don't actua-"
"Oh well, I guess I'll round up some of my friends then. Wait till they hear of this, they all thought this was just an elective or something."
"No, wait, you don'-"
"Yeah yeah yeah."

I made a thing earlier today, it's also put up on the Discord channel. But now it's here as well.

It takes place in October, 2006, so before the original Max story in the combat finals.

Here it is,

Max and the Great Balls of Fire

I hope you enjoy, and do let me know what you think, even if you don't enjoy.