Loved RE: A Darklight Burning Brightly, Feedback please

Well I did it, I posted the start of my fanfic 'A Darklight Burning Brightly'

I'm as nervous as a teenager on prom night. First time and all that jazz.

Please give me your feedback, thoughts etc, what's good what's bad, what slipped up, you know...

Now I'm twice as nervous...

I just figured out why so many authors drink.

Thanks.

Well to help ease those jitters I will say the following:

1. Its long.
2. It has a lot of letters.
3. Some of those letters are words, okay a lot of them are words, thus bringing me to my next point. They make sentences that tell something.

Other than that it will take me an a few others a while to read through what you have. So, go find some punch, sit back, quit pressing the refresh and let others come back with feed back.

Hmm was I the first to review this or....

Interesting start look forward to reading more.

Not entirely sure the starting in medias res was the most intelligible way to do this, but the overall concepts of the story seem solid. Two things that really aren't clear is first, how long has our unnamed protagonist been a mutant, and second is her mother the supervillain still alive?

Yes starting in the middle of the action was an odd choice, it just felt better this way. More gets revealed in the next bit, the 3rd or 4th section is backstory time. Depends on how it flows.

Now the answers to your questions; not very long, and no.

Well I tossed Part 2 up, maybe that reveal a little more.

Remember feedback is crack to authors.

I'm not sure I saw her name come up at all during the story... was this intentional or am I blind?

Story seems ok, the call "Mr. Dark and Serious" makes to his boss seemed a little unneeded.

So far our only knowledge of the character is her current situation, her family being dead, and shes snarky as heck. I know you mentioned you would put some backstory on one of the upcoming chapters, but if you start with a fighting scene, it might be best to clue the reader into what her powers are aside from "very very strong and can absorb energy"

Other small critique is the "captured by MCO, treated badly" trope, feels like you could have made a more interesting background to have her imprisoned in. Don't get me wrong, I love a good Henchman A and Henchman B, but having an actual face and unique characters would help people "like" the bad guys more, in a love to hate sort of way.

That came out as more negative than I intended.... I enjoyed reading it, and look forward to more, feel free to take or leave whatever you want from the above stream of thought.

The name thing yup, intentional, that hits in part three.

I choose to start 'in medias res' because I felt the weakest part of my writing would be the superhero battle, if I could do that and be happy(ish) with it then the big hurdle is jumped. Also I felt like the usual intro, background, origin, conflict, get to Whatley made me feel stilted somehow, like I was writing to a formula. Eh. Hard to explain.

And yes she is snarky as heck, I blame Jim Butcher's Harry Dresden for good part of that, and one of my favorite Whatley characters is She-Beast so...

Yup I know the MCO as bad guys as been done to death, that's why I did it. My view on the MCO is more like the bunch you see in Morpheus' Absinthe stories. But the bad apples always stand out more.

How's the main character's sense of humor BTW? And are people liking the pop culture references? Or am I being too clever?

First of all you need an editor, there are quite a few dropped words, and places where the noun and verb don't match.

The story is interesting, and I think you are adding information at a decent rate.

You might want to stay away from popular copyrighted comic book names though.

Okay, fist off, the story stared with a fight scene and we don't know who the individual that is doing the fighting. We know who, or think we know, who the procrastinator is fighting but she is using various names to describe him. That left me confused in that I had no real connection other than to know that she had a mother who was a super villain that our protagonist doesn't seem to care for much. The part that is confusing is that she is being fought by a wacko, deranged 'hero' who can't tell when someone is trying to surrender. Where have I read that part before? Many times, so its starting to sound like more of a cliche in that there are a few hero's that need a bit of reclassification as it appears more and more of them are the 'villains' as the villains are trying to be the hero in a reversal of character way.

I'm not knocking it as long as its not over used.

Another problem is that we are left clueless as to what started the fight in the first place. So just jumping into the fray left me wanting in what was going on. Perhaps a bit more background info would have been in order so that as a reader I can become more attached to the story. No description of the villain other than she is female and 16.

I believe Archangel said he writes on the fly, which is fine. A bit more editing is needed as my mind kept on wanting to put in the words; a, the and ; as with a few comma's and periods. That may be just me and my old fuddy duddy days.

I understand that writers want their works to stand out, but as some have pointed out to me, we, the reader, need to find a bit of empathy in connecting with the character.

Overall its a good beginning, with good action as well as a good layout. Just a bit more info on the who and why, I think.

Valentine wrote: First of all you need an editor, there are quite a few dropped words, and places where the noun and verb don't match.

The story is interesting, and I think you are adding information at a decent rate.

You might want to stay away from popular copyrighted comic book names though.

Uh-oh which popular comic book hero name? All I did was search the Whatley Wiki for the name Darklight. I was never really into mainstream comics growing up.

Yeah I know I need an editor, sigh, or faster fingers that can keep up with my brain.

~Archangel~ wrote:

Valentine wrote: First of all you need an editor, there are quite a few dropped words, and places where the noun and verb don't match.

The story is interesting, and I think you are adding information at a decent rate.

You might want to stay away from popular copyrighted comic book names though.

Uh-oh which popular comic book hero name? All I did was search the Whatley Wiki for the name Darklight. I was never really into mainstream comics growing up.

Yeah I know I need an editor, sigh, or faster fingers that can keep up with my brain.

The problem is that there are many, many, many names for comic characters that have been around for decades. So of course we're going to stumble across many of them and some that newer writers will not know. Firestorm, Dazzler just to name a few. Coming up with a unique name is going to be very difficult at time when it seems that ones power abilities matches it.

From what's been released so far, it appears as though our protagonist is the daughter of a (now deceased) supervillain; her sister, Val, has also died at some point in the past. We're still unaware of her current custody arrangements, but according to her account, she was making a legitimate withdrawal from a bank when a supervillain arrived and robbed it. Not wanting to get involved, she left but was spotted by the local area's Clueless Vigilante, who immediately jumped to conclusions and assumed she was involved with the heist. After nearly being killed several times (escaping by the fortune of being an energy absorber), she ends up in the custody of the MCO, who appear to be trying to break her (although we're currently unsure as to why they're keeping her rather than 'disappearing' her).

Meanwhile, we've got a character called Bane (hopefully that's just a nickname everyone calls him rather than his actual codename, since there's a prominent DC villain of that name) who appears to have been contracted to find her and has discovered a local anti-mutant conspiracy. He appears to be good at his job, but is best left alone since he doesn't appear to get on very well with others (to put it mildly).

It's an interesting start to the tale, and hopefully in further updates we'll get more glimpses into her backstory before she's presumably packaged off to Whateley for her own safety.

~Archangel~ wrote:

Valentine wrote: First of all you need an editor, there are quite a few dropped words, and places where the noun and verb don't match.

The story is interesting, and I think you are adding information at a decent rate.

You might want to stay away from popular copyrighted comic book names though.

Uh-oh which popular comic book hero name? All I did was search the Whatley Wiki for the name Darklight. I was never really into mainstream comics growing up.

Yeah I know I need an editor, sigh, or faster fingers that can keep up with my brain.

As mittfh pointed out, Bane is a very popular DC Supervillain.

Part 2 review.

Okay, we're now given how long our 'heroine' has been in the clutches of the villainous MCO for well over a week.

I'll skip the missing words as a given knowing that Archangel is publishing before an editor has a look.

In part one it was mentioned by 'Jane Doe' was being restrained by fancy restraints. Now we learn it was a collar that is 'inhibiting' her ability to use her power. I think this could or should have been mentioned in part 1 as we didn't know then what was restraining her.

Another was that she was held since waking up for over 6 days. How did she know if there was a randomness in the patterns of light and meals and such? Did they tell her? Not mentioned, nor was there any indication that there was an outside source for her to use? A watch perhaps? Don't know.

Things that got to me. Is the MCO the final authority given that a bank was robbed? Did they catch the others who had done the actual heist? Was surveillance only given to the MCO which would have vindicated 'Jane Doe'? We learned she had a sister and mother who had died sometime before. If she was not a criminal how did others know that she was associated with a supervillain mom as with her sister (not clear at this point). Was this recorded somewhere and if so why didn't the bank notify the authorities when she entered. Which brings another question and that is how long has she been free of being harassed up until the bank robbery? Plot points that need to be answered as she didn't seem to be in disguise and had not costume on to conceal her identity.

Did she have a father? From what was slightly mentioned who was her father or is it supposed to be ambiguous?

Another point that sticks in my mind is our so called Superhero. Where's his report as he would know or should know one would need to be filled out? Not much of a hero if he just decides to fly off after claiming to have done his job of mass destruction. Yes I'm picking on the hero as well as witnesses and so forth. In other words we know that 'Jane Doe' is being railroaded and as we know not many would care.

Now if the MCO wasn't concerned with protocol as she was being 'quarantined' as a terrorist, why the lawyer? What transpired? We weren't given much info so that leaves us guessing. She has common sense as with a strong will given what she has been through, but how is she healing if the collar is inhibiting her powers? If it stops one wouldn't it stop the others, such as self healing as well?

Now we come to the mysterious John Bane. From his stance he is a mutant. To what extent has not been made known at this time. From speculation there are those who believe he's a villain. But are we sure? Nothing indicates that. Only that he has some form of high level connection that allows him access to a large scheme of information. It has been commented that Bane is his code name. From what I've read its his 'last name' and as such should be considered as such. But with a name like Bane it may be more prudent to change it thus reducing confusion. Just a thought. Bane as a name itself is not trademarked.

From what is stated he is feared by many and easily given what he wants so he has pull somewhere along the line.

The story in itself was interesting but nothing to really tie up previous speculations at this point. So far I'm still interested. If I have more thoughts I'll post them as these are whats on my mind at the moment.

Given that Bane turned up at "the local office," an agent immediately made a safe house available, he had access to files marked with the seals of various government agencies, and he told his boss that he would "proceed as I see fit in accordance with the oaths I've sworn to uphold" suggests that he may be an employee of a secretive government agency (take your pick - there's a handful of ones that exist IRL plus the Whateley-specific DPA)...

mittfh wrote: Given that Bane turned up at "the local office," an agent immediately made a safe house available, he had access to files marked with the seals of various government agencies, and he told his boss that he would "proceed as I see fit in accordance with the oaths I've sworn to uphold" suggests that he may be an employee of a secretive government agency (take your pick - there's a handful of ones that exist IRL plus the Whateley-specific DPA)...

Which may explain his not barging in on the MCO as they to are supposed to be a government agency thus they 'quote' are supposed to uphold the law but given that this group does not must indicate that higher ups are looking for something at the expense of a mutant.

This brings up another question in how did John Bane find out that the MCO was holding a mutant if the MCO wasn't forthcoming on any information to higher other than to say they were holding a potential terrorist? A large security question on this as they are taking their time to make her dissapear.

Part 3 Is UP, plots are exposed, names are named!

Well it took longer to post Part 3 than I planned, I blame Tink.

Seriously I got sidetracked reading other peoples work.

Then a certain scene didn't quite work right.

I do hope this answers a few questions that people talked about. As always please give some feedback. Mostly is the story hanging together and does it feel like a Whately story?

Thanks.

Part 3. Ready?

Okay, this one took me a bit of time to read as, I hate to say, and was ready to quit because of missing words a few incomplete spots and a change from 1st to 3rd and back again. But it held my interest and I managed to plow my way through it.

Nice use of clones gone bad to explain the why of a deranged super hero. Another good concept of using the FBI in a sting operation, no need to explain the how Agent Bane had inside info of who to look for. Given how ones past was used onto another's MID makes me wonder how many times this had been used. Just and idea that struck me given that none would question the ages of the ones it had been assigned to in the first place. Given the nature of some MCO's I'm sure it was skimmed over. Unless of course Kory inadvertently used her mothers. Just a thought.

Nice touch on how the story was kinda wrapped up. But it seemed it was rushed near the end. Given that there was fights as with other explanations it might have been more related to the adrenaline feedback like watching a Michael Bay movie. The mind is still going full steam even as the story is winding down or as I've seen the writer is anxious to work on the next part. Go with the former for now.

And at least we get something that most stories don't do with the MCO and that's an apology from a new directory.

A few things to note: One part of the first person changed to the second then right back. I can't remember if it happened more than once. Two there seemed to have been some untrained thoughts in the story as I felt confused about a scene or two. Perhaps it was an editing event that failed to get caught.

Overall, still a good story premises and wait for the next part.

Ibi

Well, part 3 had enough action in the second part to pull me in and get the adrenaline flowing.

A couple of generic comments: First, in general powers don't breed true - why did she inherit her mother's power set? Is she a dynamorph and picked up her mother's whatzit? If that's the case, why is the MCO involved? Did they do any testing at all?

I don't see the MCO providing a MID for someone they're going to dispose of, let alone providing one with a fake power set and clearly illegal notations. Why bother digging the hole any deeper?

I wouldn't worry about using Bane as long as he doesn't turn out to be (or was) a costumed character - the word bane for a nemesis goes all the way back to Old English as in Grendlesbane. Also wolfsbane and similar uses.

XaltatunOfAcheron wrote: Well, part 3 had enough action in the second part to pull me in and get the adrenaline flowing.

A couple of generic comments: First, in general powers don't breed true - why did she inherit her mother's power set? Is she a dynamorph and picked up her mother's whatzit? If that's the case, why is the MCO involved? Did they do any testing at all?

I don't see the MCO providing a MID for someone they're going to dispose of, let alone providing one with a fake power set and clearly illegal notations. Why bother digging the hole any deeper?

I wouldn't worry about using Bane as long as he doesn't turn out to be (or was) a costumed character - the word bane for a nemesis goes all the way back to Old English as in Grendlesbane. Also wolfsbane and similar uses.

Given that we don't know her true origin story I think that will be explained in part 4. I left it out as she went into the "Here's my story." at the end.

As for the why of the MID it does leave a bit of questioning as with the idea that there was something more brewing in the part where Bane began to strike as with the Hypothesis idea. This had been used many times before in other writings (not here per-sa) in that a diff villain is given an out, only to find that said idea was proven factual and that even if they claim not to know, they indeed did even if it was hypothetical. For if he thought it was hypothetical and was in charge of the agency why would hadn't he questioned such an act since it had been going on for so long. In other words why did he allow it to proceed.

As for Bane, I believe he is mutant, but then he could have a problem with his eyes and uses it to his advantage. Perhaps a war injury or some other such incident. Else he's a very good poker player.

So, Corey Cummings... Nice androgynous name, but probably an MTF, given that this is Whateley. Also a nice bit with the clones, even if that trope is older than cloning, at least in the WU they have the technology. The story is really starting to come together, and I look forward to seeing if you can tie up the last loose ends before sending her off to Whateley.

Ib12us wrote: Part 3. Ready?

Okay, this one took me a bit of time to read as, I hate to say, and was ready to quit because of missing words a few incomplete spots and a change from 1st to 3rd and back again. But it held my interest and I managed to plow my way through it.

Nice use of clones gone bad to explain the why of a deranged super hero. Another good concept of using the FBI in a sting operation, no need to explain the how Agent Bane had inside info of who to look for. Given how ones past was used onto another's MID makes me wonder how many times this had been used. Just and idea that struck me given that none would question the ages of the ones it had been assigned to in the first place. Given the nature of some MCO's I'm sure it was skimmed over. Unless of course Kory inadvertently used her mothers. Just a thought.

Nice touch on how the story was kinda wrapped up. But it seemed it was rushed near the end. Given that there was fights as with other explanations it might have been more related to the adrenaline feedback like watching a Michael Bay movie. The mind is still going full steam even as the story is winding down or as I've seen the writer is anxious to work on the next part. Go with the former for now.

And at least we get something that most stories don't do with the MCO and that's an apology from a new directory.

A few things to note: One part of the first person changed to the second then right back. I can't remember if it happened more than once. Two there seemed to have been some untrained thoughts in the story as I felt confused about a scene or two. Perhaps it was an editing event that failed to get caught.

Overall, still a good story premises and wait for the next part.

Ibi

I'm both glad and sorry you liked and disliked it. Dropping words is one of my many problems when I write, my mind moves alot faster than I type, unfortunately my brain fills in the missing words when I re-read it.

Tenses were a deliberate choice, Kory is in the 1st person because it's her tale, Bane is in the 3rd because his mind is not a nice place to be in. One of the re-writes I went through was due to a slash burn when the POV went off to la-la land, I guess I didn't burn it all. Opps.

As for the fast wind down I'll say a bit both. For me I wanted to wrap things up in certain way, and I needed to have certain things explained. I had left some questions because things are not wrapped up cleanly, one of the parts I now regret is more explanation into the MID angle. The MCO/Weems did not know that Kory was at the bank, but they knew another supervillan would be robbing it, when the crazy clone captured Kory they had to change plans fast so all the paperwork they had ready had to altered to fit Kory pretty much on the fly. The MCO agent that faked the MID wasn't to careful with his Cut and Paste options.

Yeah I did want to show that not all the MCO are total dicks.

XaltatunOfAcheron wrote: Well, part 3 had enough action in the second part to pull me in and get the adrenaline flowing.

A couple of generic comments: First, in general powers don't breed true - why did she inherit her mother's power set? Is she a dynamorph and picked up her mother's whatzit? If that's the case, why is the MCO involved? Did they do any testing at all?

I don't see the MCO providing a MID for someone they're going to dispose of, let alone providing one with a fake power set and clearly illegal notations. Why bother digging the hole any deeper?

I wouldn't worry about using Bane as long as he doesn't turn out to be (or was) a costumed character - the word bane for a nemesis goes all the way back to Old English as in Grendlesbane. Also wolfsbane and similar uses.

Yup there is a reason why Kory has her mother's powers, that might have to wait until Powers Testing at Whatley. Her Mom's MID was first printed out in the 60's so the MCO of the time might have missed something with Kory's Mom, the original Darklight. That is a hint

Thanks for the feedback and keep 'em coming.

Don't think of it as much of a dislike, just a bit of frustration in the reading department. If I disliked it I wouldn't have finished it.

As for the 1st person this is one that I found.

As before it felt like world was getting dimmer and my thoughts began to slow, I tried to fight it, I tried to focus on something or than that strange nothingness that was growing in my head. It didn't feel as bad as yesterday, maybe, I'm getting immune to this thing. One of the other Goons grabbed her and shook her. He was saying something about getting changed, I found that really funny since I'd already changed. I'd like to have laughed or cried but it was just so hard to think to feel.

You went from 1st - 3rd then back.

One other was that you stated that there were more Muties:

Commander Weems aka 'Jones' hung up the phone, he wasn't enjoying his morning, and he such high hopes for working out his frustrations on that little mutie bitch today. Still orders are orders, so he called his subordinates and told them to start shutting down the site. With any luck he'd be free later to help dispose of the muties. Still Weems thought better take no chances, with that thought he started preparing his bug-out bag.

Or was this a mistype as we don't hear more about it when they broke in.

Also a point of interest in that you gave Laser Strikes name. Why? If its nothing more than to give a name to the hero I would think it not necessary unless you plan to use him more in another chapter and if so, I'd say use it as an intro to him inside the suit as most readers may forget who he was. It was used only once with the last name being used twice and to me isn't really needed as it served no real purpose at this point.

Ib12us wrote: Don't think of it as much of a dislike, just a bit of frustration in the reading department. If I disliked it I wouldn't have finished it.

As for the 1st person this is one that I found.

As before it felt like world was getting dimmer and my thoughts began to slow, I tried to fight it, I tried to focus on something or than that strange nothingness that was growing in my head. It didn't feel as bad as yesterday, maybe, I'm getting immune to this thing. One of the other Goons grabbed her and shook her. He was saying something about getting changed, I found that really funny since I'd already changed. I'd like to have laughed or cried but it was just so hard to think to feel.

You went from 1st - 3rd then back.

One other was that you stated that there were more Muties:

Commander Weems aka 'Jones' hung up the phone, he wasn't enjoying his morning, and he such high hopes for working out his frustrations on that little mutie bitch today. Still orders are orders, so he called his subordinates and told them to start shutting down the site. With any luck he'd be free later to help dispose of the muties. Still Weems thought better take no chances, with that thought he started preparing his bug-out bag.

Or was this a mistype as we don't hear more about it when they broke in.

Also a point of interest in that you gave Laser Strikes name. Why? If its nothing more than to give a name to the hero I would think it not necessary unless you plan to use him more in another chapter and if so, I'd say use it as an intro to him inside the suit as most readers may forget who he was. It was used only once with the last name being used twice and to me isn't really needed as it served no real purpose at this point.

Grr, snarl, I rewrote that section twice I was sure that I got that the tenses fixed in that section. Be glad you didn't see it before I slashed and burned I was so confused with tenses I might have invented 5th person PoV.

The muties thing was there to imply that Kory/Darklight wasn't the only person that Weems had done this to. Again I wanted/planned on more than just Kory being held, but I didn't want to add anymore names around that time.

Laser Strike will be returning, hopefully not in a city block leveling way.

An interesting update, with plenty of new information - she's not the only mutant they've handled this way, Bane has a lot of clout (at least partially due to working for / with the FBI), the "hero" she engaged with was a force-grown clone with a degenerating brain (canonically, force-grown clones have a habit of degenerating - usually, the faster they're grown, the quicker they'll degenerate), her current MID is a copy of her mum's, while she has at least some of mum's powerset. Then there's the final revelation - I wonder if her gender flip is connected with how mum's powers were bestowed on her?

My only gripe would be that the aftermath seemed a little rushed, perhaps due to including "It was about a month of this..." in the same paragraph as the preceding text. Given it's a significant change in pace, starting with a new paragraph (e.g. "Over the next month or so...") may have made the distinction clearer.

Part 4 Done, finally

For some reason I really struggled with this part, maybe the holidays were interrupting the muse. For about 2 weeks this thing was as stuck as a king sized dildo in a hamster wearing a duct tape corset. When I did get things going again the damm story wanted to go somewhere else than what I planned. Has anyone ever had that happen? When story just takes off laughing maniacally leaving the author to chase after it with a word processor?

As always thoughts comments etc are welcome, no, craved is better word.

Biowar seems to be a bit of Diedrick's case, and Tina is seriously demented. On the other hand, he was commenting on Darklight's (the original one) psychological crutch, talk about a psychological crutch on Tina's part. I'm really surprised that Biowar (even if he is hideously overconfident) kept Corey on his sub (and for that matter kept him alive), as I strongly suspect that quite aside from overloading the reactor that Corey could shred the sub.

Reposted Part 5 due to crash.

[insert long rambling whine about various RL things, computer burnout, and my muse getting abusive unless I started writing again]

Please give feedback, no seriously I mean it, it's the only way I can tell how good or bad this story is. And it keeps the muse distracted so I can...dammit she's back, quick look innocent,

Reposted

good so far

I really hope that we find out what the Syndicate does to Biowar when they catch up to him (and that that happens before the end of the story).

Isodecan wrote: I really hope that we find out what the Syndicate does to Biowar when they catch up to him (and that that happens before the end of the story).

I make no promises, I'm sorta seeing Biowar as a bit of a nemesis for Darklight. However I also want Biowar to pay the piper, he started off as a more sympathetic psychopath but he seems to have become more nasty than I really intended. Do evil characters ferment?

~Archangel~ wrote:

Isodecan wrote: I really hope that we find out what the Syndicate does to Biowar when they catch up to him (and that that happens before the end of the story).

I make no promises, I'm sorta seeing Biowar as a bit of a nemesis for Darklight. However I also want Biowar to pay the piper, he started off as a more sympathetic psychopath but he seems to have become more nasty than I really intended. Do evil characters ferment?

Sure they can. They can take slight infractions and blow them out of proportion. To feed off of ones kindness and corrupt it towards their own view not caring for the person in the end because it didn't fit their cause.

Well I finally had some time and energy to get Part 6 of my fanfic finished and posted. More importantly I had no interruptions or emergencies to the writing process. I kinda missed those interruptions, I kept looking over my shoulder expecting to see a runaway vacuum cleaner or an out of control fire while writing this.

As always I crave thoughts, opinions, feedback and stuff.

Quotes I found haha funny:

As I returned to the main room I noticed that Bane was still in the same place he'd been since we'd started this whole conversation. That was kinda freaky, he was so still like he was a robot or a statue or something, he caught me looking at him as I was thinking that. A corner of his mouth twitched in what might have been a grin on anyone else, and he shifted slightly.

“No Kory I'm not a robot, and I'm just as human as you, perhaps more or less depending on what scale you use.”

I'll admit I jumped at bit at that, what the hell, how did he know what I was thinking? Crap he's a mind reader...

“Also I don't read minds so no need to worry about that.” I opened my mouth to speak but he continued, “All I am is just very good at noticing things and seeing patterns, and using that to anticipate and predict behavior and actions. The answer to your next question is 'no', I'm not a mutant. Just highly talented and trained.”

I'll admit that so far he was right, that was going to be my next question. After a few seconds I unfroze and went back to the couch I had been sitting on. I just looked at Bane my mind buzzing with questions, “Ok thanks for sharing I guess, but...” He interrupted.

“Why did I tell you Kory? Trust. You needed to trust me more than you already do, so I told you something of myself to encourage you to continue to open up. The next part of your story will likely involve things you don't want to talk about, for personal reasons as well as you've been brought up to regard myself and any member of Law Enforcement as a threat.” He might have smiled at that, but his eyes never left my face. “If I had been raised as you and your sister had been I'd have the same reaction.” He paused, “That was me expressing empathy for your situation, again to make you more comfortable opening up to me about your recent events. Why am I telling you this? You are smart and wary, you would reach the conclusion that I manipulated you likely after I left but before you went to sleep tonight, that would have damaged our relationship, making more difficult for you to trust me. Which will be important later.”

...

Since Karedonia is one of the larger islands in the Caribbean, yay for Gizmatic's ego compensation,

...

I'd been flying for a few minutes when it hit me, I'd broken the guy code, I'd stopped and asked for directions! This girl thing is insidious.

***



Not done reading... Some punctuation errors, gonna stop reporting now, 'cause I wanna read.

***

Done reading! ... Betting Warbride's got a daughter, or niece or something, and that's who answered. Shipping Kory and Unknown Girl...

Of course, I could be wrong. And obviously Kory survives, else there wouldn't be a story.

Malady wrote:

Typos: [ Click to expand ] [ Click to hide ]

ch(i)efs

make a fair

damm

This is multiple. Personal affectation, or what?

soit

Chef - as in a cook? I figure since Gizmatic spent so much time in hospitals he'd want his hospital food to be you know, good if not great.

Damm - umm it's the way I've always done it, same with the people around me, must be a local thing. I have to watch it.

AS for the other two thanks for catching 'em, fixing things on my end for when I get this monster done and kick it out the door into the tender hands of an editor.

Malady wrote:
Not done reading... Some punctuation errors, gonna stop reporting now, 'cause I wanna read.

***

Done reading! ... Betting Warbride's got a daughter, or niece or something, and that's who answered. Shipping Kory and Unknown Girl...

Of course, I could be wrong. And obviously Kory survives, else there wouldn't be a story.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. This writing thing is fun, if harder than I thought.

And yes you'll meet the Four Furies in the next bit, that will hopefully bring everything back to the start. This story was supposed to be a three part thing.

~Archangel~ wrote:

Malady wrote:

ch(i)efs

Chef - as in a cook? I figure since Gizmatic spent so much time in hospitals he'd want his hospital food to be you know, good if not great.

You wrote chief, like officer of military. ...

~Archangel~ wrote: Damm - umm it's the way I've always done it, same with the people around me, must be a local thing. I have to watch it.

*nods*

~Archangel~ wrote:

Malady wrote:
Not done reading... Some punctuation errors, gonna stop reporting now, 'cause I wanna read.

***

Done reading! ... Betting Warbride's got a daughter, or niece or something, and that's who answered. Shipping Kory and Unknown Girl...

Of course, I could be wrong. And obviously Kory survives, else there wouldn't be a story.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. This writing thing is fun, if harder than I thought.

And yes you'll meet the Four Furies in the next bit, that will hopefully bring everything back to the start. This story was supposed to be a three part thing.

It's never said that the unknown voice belonged to the knifer... So the unknown girl could be a daughter who doesn't/didn't know her mom's codename? ... Or, for more crazy, knifer is Warbride's twin, who has the same knife skills, but is neutral or 'good', and the unknown voice is the non-Warbride twin's daughter.

Malady wrote: Chef - as in a cook? I figure since Gizmatic spent so much time in hospitals he'd want his hospital food to be you know, good if not great.

You wrote chief, like officer of military. ...


[/quote]

Huh I did in the copy I posted but not in my non-spellchecked raw version....

That loud thudding sound you hear is me hitting my head on the desk. Repeatedly. After the concussion fades I'll see about correcting the auto-correct. Maybe some wine will help, I could also use the bottle to inflict blunt force trauma...

All right Part 7 lurched off of the word processor and out the door. Everything went where I wanted it to go but took it's own route getting there. I was hoping to reach the end but I found place that was just perfect in my opinion to stop.

As always please let me know what you think, for good or ill. Feedback feeds the author.

As for the seriously silly stuff, and the very serious stuff I blame Bek and Dom. Thanks for the ideas.

~Archangel~ wrote: All right Part 7 lurched off of the word processor and out the door. Everything went where I wanted it to go but took it's own route getting there. I was hoping to reach the end but I found place that was just perfect in my opinion to stop.

As always please let me know what you think, for good or ill. Feedback feeds the author.

As for the seriously silly stuff, and the very serious stuff I blame Bek and Dom. Thanks for the ideas.

Loli reminds me of notavillain.wikia.com/wiki/Jane for some reason. The hair and the weird speech pattern maybe? And the knife skill?

Fragment reminds me of Bauble or whatever her name was, 'cause the cracked appearance reminds me of glass?? Weird connection there...

Very eclectic mix of characters, nice differentiation of personalities. Do they know about Whateley?

Ok I've never run into 'Not A Villain' before. Now I have another webcomic that has been mining my creative juices.

Loli, aka The Murder Moppet, her source of inspiration would a pic of Rory Mercury from Gate. Powers and everything else about her as far as I know are the product of me wanting to make a scary nutter because the rest of the Four Furies seemed too sympathetic to be villains. Also someone that Kory couldn't deal with.

Polly, aka Fragment, I have no idea where she came from. I needed a tanky type character and made her. The living explosion thing I thought was neat, and being trapped by her own powers and cut off from the world because of it just seemed like a 'good' supervilain that could have been a hero if only...

HeadCase and Lady Dee might have heard about Whateley, but since neither have kids, or are in the mutant way, it would along the lines of 'don't do a job up there or else'.

I'm glad you enjoyed meeting the Furies I enjoyed making them, I just had to be careful that I made them 'nice' while still being villains. Hard line to walk.

I love Loli! Her quirkiness makes me just want to run up and give her a hug! But then i have always had a thing for the crazy/strange. And maybe Dom has rubbed off on me a bit. The world will never know! *Evil laugh* But so far so good. The story is moving along quite well. Can't wait for the next installment.

I'm so glad you are enjoying the story.

Loli was fun to make up, if I ever revisit her I've got a twisted backstory planned for her. And yes Dom is infectious, I thought I wrote dark stuff then I read his work.

If the muse cooperates the next chapter should be the end of the intro. Ack! This just the intro I haven't even gotten to Whateley yet! Ack!

I will admit I'm very wary of writing Darklight at Whateley. Mostly worried that I won't do justice to the various other characters that poor Darklight will have to interact with. Of course there are some I'm looking forward to having violent interactions with. BWAH-HA-HA!

I did it!! I reached the end!! Take that Muse!!

Seriously this has been fun to write, I had planned on a short 3 part intro. So for all those that stuck with me and finished this with me thank you.

As always I'd like your feedback, thoughts, etc. What have I done right or wrong? Where can I improve?
Did you enjoy it? What did you enjoy? What did you hate?

Craving feedback as always.

PS Whoa...I can now read the other stories and not worry about plagiarism, time for an archive dive. Woot

Not bad, a few typos, and what might be a plot hole?

The Secure Storage Assets aren't enough to pay Akbar??

Suddenly adding time tags at the end-ish bits is weird, and makes me want to note the dates of the other events like the Akbar Confrontation and the Secure Storage Visit.

reading

readying

began I ran.

began, I ran.

Kory(,) you are right[.] [N]ever trust a system,

The problem with using the stuff from Secure Storage is that you'd never get full value for the item. The Krugerrands would be the best but then you worry about the price of gold etc. The sad fact is usually with stolen goods you get less than half the face value.

The time tags are used by Kory when she has to, much of the tale is from her PoV and she tries to edit info so the cops won't go after her friends/allies. Or when the event is known to multiple people and can't be fuzzed with.

If/as the story continues I'll be hammering something in a coherent timewise. Likely when/if Kory reaches Whateley the time line becomes less fluid/subjective.

~Archangel~ wrote: The problem with using the stuff from Secure Storage is that you'd never get full value for the item. The Krugerrands would be the best but then you worry about the price of gold etc. The sad fact is usually with stolen goods you get less than half the face value.

The time tags are used by Kory when she has to, much of the tale is from her PoV and she tries to edit info so the cops won't go after her friends/allies. Or when the event is known to multiple people and can't be fuzzed with.

If/as the story continues I'll be hammering something in a coherent timewise. Likely when/if Kory reaches Whateley the time line becomes less fluid/subjective.

Ah. ... And I guess the Akbar thing isn't that important, so Kory can let it sit for a bit.

Malady wrote:

~Archangel~ wrote: The problem with using the stuff from Secure Storage is that you'd never get full value for the item. The Krugerrands would be the best but then you worry about the price of gold etc. The sad fact is usually with stolen goods you get less than half the face value.

The time tags are used by Kory when she has to, much of the tale is from her PoV and she tries to edit info so the cops won't go after her friends/allies. Or when the event is known to multiple people and can't be fuzzed with.

If/as the story continues I'll be hammering something in a coherent timewise. Likely when/if Kory reaches Whateley the time line becomes less fluid/subjective.

Ah. ... And I guess the Akbar thing isn't that important, so Kory can let it sit for a bit.

Well Akbar likely saw the news of the bank robbery/aftermath and will understand why things might take a little bit longer than planned. And yeah the Akbar bit is not important to the story right now, but the stuff well it's important to Kory. The crap in the Secure Storage is much more important but Kory has no idea just what she found.