Question Twinkle twinkle little Starlight! Feedback

So, that's a very, very, very early draft of the story of Starlight and Ender (Who won't join the cast until later)

That whole second scene needs to be rewritten, because, y'know, it rather stinks. That is to say, I fudging hate it.

In any case, you have some thoughts? Let me know, or something.

Huh...

Greatdingo wrote: shines, flies and heals wounds?

Feels like a Prism Expy, but that might just 'cause I was researching the New Olympians last night...

Greatdingo wrote: “And please try and remember, honey, no one at Whateley knows who you are, who you used to be.”

What... Did she/he kill people or something?

...

It feels like we need more backstory... 'Cause I don't know enough about her to know why I should care? I do care, but her past is possibly too vague to be intriguing?

You might be right about that, but backstory will come. Absolutely.

I thought I'd explain her manifestation as part of that whole backstory a bit later in the story. But you might be right, It might be too vague.

Oh yeah, and there's someone named PRISM? Mayhaps I should look into that.

I just quickly popped over to the wiki to read about this Prism dude and I gotta say...

POOP! That is pretty much EXACTLY the same as Starlight (apart from the whole olympian thing.

gosh darnit.

Umm... I think Valentine wants you to change your title...

Valentine wrote:

Malady wrote:

Valentine wrote: For the fanfiction authors, when you start a thread for Feedback, Critique, etc. could you add that to the title? I go to the website and see two identically named threads, and then wonder which is which.

I know, right?

The problem is that titles get so long that adding a word can't be done... Or requires cutting out some of the title, which looks even weirder?

If Archangel can get this for a thread title

RE: A Darklight Burning Brightly, Feedback please

I think that adding a single word would be possible for most titles (Unless you plan on some of the chapter titles that Elrod and Diane used.)

A yup!

As had been already stated, a good first draft.

Here we have a girl going through anguish in that she's trying to build up her self confidence. She's trying to justify her abilities as being in the 'super' hero side not knowing if they are. It seems she has the support of her mother (no mention of a dad) as well as with her trying to cope.

Also some pronouns would be helpful as maybe a bit of follow through of thoughts. I have noticed a trend going on from many newer writers. Not just the online but those that have been published. Its as if their attention span is short and it reflects in their writing. Taking shortcuts by 'cutting' out necessary verbiage as if they were dictating on an phone and trying to save space. It become too jarring in that it takes away from the story flow as I trying to formulate whats happening.

Another, and this may be from the formatting process on the site is that there is no space between sentences thus making it look like its one big paragraph. I'm not trying to dig, just pointing out that this also takes away from reading and may turn others away from wanting to read what could be a very good story.

If done right, backstories can be brought in later or if this page was expanded then the backstory could be incorporated into it. Each story has its own way of coming along.

But from just reading this, Ariel comes off as being a little whinny as with a low 'attitude' problem, that mom seems to quell easily. Makes me wonder what type of boy she had been before.

Thanks for the feedback.

So, I've been thinking about the whole PRISM thing and I've decided I don't care. Sure, annoying as it is to discover your character is very similar to a pre-existing character, I'm not going to let that deter me.

Here's a few reasons why.

I was unaware of Prism when I started writing this story and similiarities between characters will always be unavoidable. Second, Starlight is a character I used in an RPG not long ago, which again was based on my character from City of Heroes.
I'm going to go a different route with Starlight I think, than Prism (from what little I've read) but there will be similiarites in their powers.

It does mean that I might incorporate Prism into the story and have some fun with that.

Ib12us, thanks for your feedback, but if I could ask you to clarify what you mean with your last comment about Ariel coming off as whiney, I would appreciate that.

Thanks.

I've decided to scrap it all and start from scratch because I hate it and I wish it would burn in a nuclear hellfire!

yeah...

Greatdingo wrote: I've decided to scrap it all and start from scratch because I hate it and I wish it would burn in a nuclear hellfire!

yeah...

What? Why? It's not the Prism thing is it? 'Cause it's not like there aren't tons of people with similar powers. Like all the Speedsters for example...

Not at all. It will be about Starlight as I have presented her so far (slight alteration may occur).

I'm just not at all satisfied with what I've written so far, so I'm going to take a different direction. The overall story remains the same, but the path is slightly different.

I'll still include Prism in the story, because I figure I'll have a small "side-story" about how the Light-benders are considered to be jokes compared to other energy types. I know that's not really true in the Whateley 'verse, but it's something that'll figure in quite nicely in my story.

Ohmigod... I did something...I dunno...stupid? I'm not sure if I was ready to show off the very first part of my new Starlight story. But I decided against my own caution/hesitation.

So, uh, any thoughts?

Also, I posted it in the original thread and spoilered the first post because I didn't want to delete it, for sentimental reasons.

Nice start to the tale.

I always thought that some students Do Not Pass Graduate and go directly to Other Places.

I've been thinking about rewriting the first part with the demon, after a suggestion from a friend, to make him sound more like a type of Bond villain, the perfect English gentleman. Any thoughts?

Hmm, does anyone know what year Melville cottage was supposedly built?

Whilst looking for something else I found something from City of Heroes waaaay back in the day. It doesn't actually have anything to do with the story save it's what the Starlight character is based on.



I'd completely forgotten I had those. Silly, but just a teeny tiny bit cool.

Greatdingo wrote: Hmm, does anyone know what year Melville cottage was supposedly built?

No, but some of the descriptions of it have a late-1970s/early-1980s feel. Hot tub, built around a center atrium, etc.

Well, durnit. That puts a definitive end to that idea. Thanks anyway

Greatdingo wrote: Well, durnit. That puts a definitive end to that idea. Thanks anyway

Depends if it was the initial build, or one of the many repairs/re-furbs/re-fits...

Remember how Jadis and her friends on the freshman floor, are gradually re-building the women's showers.

You may be able to fit something around a specific feature that hasn't been mentioned yet, eg. The underground hot-tubs near Poe.

Very true, but it was more when the actual building was put up. I figured, since it was new, maybe it was really new. But it's not a problem. Thanks anyway.

crystalhall.wikia.com/wiki/Whateley_Academy_History :

Whateley Academy started in 1896 as a regular, albeit unsuccessful New England Preparatory school.

...

When the school left receivership and fell into foreclosure, the property was acquired by the Whateley Trust, ...

Present among the weeds were the Historic Buildings:

Shuster Hall
Kane Hall
Kirby Hall
The Beck Library
Dickinson Cottage
Whitman Cottage
Poe Cottage
Emerson Cottage
Twain Cottage

EDIT: I can't read either. You wanted Melville info. That's further down, as you saw before I did:

Expansion_1971-1980 : "Short of dorm space, in 1981 ground was broken on Melville Cottage"

Thanks Malady, but I've already scoured the WIKI as best I could, and that entry doesn't really tell me what I needed to know.

Oh wait, reading it again, I can see it does tell me. Duh!

Ho Ho Ho, it's an Xmas miracle. I've posted something.

Hooray.

Now, to be perfectly frank, I hate what I've posted today. I hate everything about it. Except for one thing. It's progress!

Yay progress!

In any case, if anyone has any nice words of wisdom to share, please do not hesitate making them available for me (That's words of wisdom about the story, mind you.)

Also, merry xmas.

That was really interesting, in fact one of the most interesting things I've read here for a time. Not that other things haven't been good but they haven't caused me to grab my keyboard! I would be disappointed if it ended here, you've laid down a decent basis with some fun threads waving in the wind.

I really must get to my own Garbage Heap in Progress.

Looking forward to the next sign of progress!

Thanks, Darkmuse, that's high praise. I have no intention of letting the story end here, but I'm not a fast writer.

The plan is, for the first Starlight story, to establish the portfolio of characters, both friends and foes and to maybe provide a hint at the over arching plot.

As will be evident in the next part (spoilers!) Twinkle Twinkle will also include Max, the chainsaw carrying maniac and his friends.

Chewier and chewier.

Is it the original come back somehow, or is it something that's wearing her face?

And what happened to the person that killed her?

Lots of potential plot-hooks, and all kinds of ways that it could develop. Chewy.

Looking forward to the next part...

Oh god, I did it again!

I DID IT AGAIN!

Well, this is what you get for having no distractions. Now, in this part you'll notice that I've skipped a bit in time. What's that you say, Dingo? The story began July 12th and suddenly it's mid September? Madness! Madness is what that is.

Well, there's a reason for that, of course. I wanted to try that "ye old trope" about skipping a part and then interspersing that part here and there in flashbacks and such and put in little hints here and there.

Also, it was because I wanted to get to the school proper. I'm not very good at this, y'know.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and as always, if you have any cool criticisms, feedbacks and whatnots, don't hesitate to sling 'em at me.

Moving on is cool. Hanging around ARC could have seriously slowed everything down. Trying to introduce everyone at once is hard but I like the touch with the TG remembrance ceremony.

I'm going to rewrite the whole conversation between Delarose and Rutherford. It doesn't make much sense, and it doesn't come out at all as I intended.

Thanks Darkmuse, I did figure that that would be suitable for this part.

I've been working on this on and off for the last couple of months. I gotta say, it's not easy. There's particularly one scene, which I'm currently working on, that's tough to write. Mainly because, how do you react to that specific thing that just happened and so on?

I know there's this idea that when you're stuck on one part, you should just pick up another part and continue there, but that's not how the dingo brain works. Not at all! No, it gets stubborn. And angry. And then it gets very uncooperative. It's unnerving to have your own brain turn traitor on you.

Yet here we are. But it's cool, it's cool. I'll figure it out somehow. Maybe I'll just write something totally generic and fool my brain with that and then return to it later when we've reached an accord.

Another problem is, I have this plan, which is important to have. But I keep revising parts of it. For instance, the part giving me problems now is something that takes place in the more immediate aftermath of the story's beginning, at ARC. But I'd previously decided I was going to use those couple of months as inserts later in the story. I mean, I suppose I could still do both, but that just seems like overdoing it.

Anyway, /endrant and back to the writing trenches with the dingo!

It's funny how outside influences can turn you from barely productive to not productive at all. But right now, and the for the last couple of months, the stress of my impending homelessness has been a bit taxing on my ability to produce anything.

I'm writing again now, but it's mostly because I'm really just resigned to accept that whatever will happen, will happen.

Oh well. At least I got a sweet lil' laptop for my birthday.

Okay, first real day at school for Starlight.

I've "borrowed" a few cameos from a couple of characters, nothing earth shattering, just standard "background character" shenanigans.

I wasn't sure if Langley Paulson was even at Whateley in 1997, but he can easily be replaced with another name and I figure it's not that big a deal regardless.

I've got more, but I'm not ready to post that yet. I suppose I could insert some stuff I've edited in previous segments, but I'd rather do that when I'm back home with my desktop computer. This new laptop of mine is really great, but my desktop is significantly more user friendly.

Anyway, here's hoping the new post is something to at least moderately enjoy, and as always, please do let me know what works and what doesn't, what's great and what's trash (even if it's all trash).

Rearly enjoying Starlight and I’m glad you have got some more in the “pipeline” for us

Rearly enjoying Starlight and I’m glad you have got some more in the “pipeline” for us

I made a thing! Not a Twinkle twinkle thing, but a thing. And I figure it's unnecessary to make a whole new thread when I've got a perfectly good one right here.

Anyway, here it is;

Perchance forgiveness

Lemme know what you think, if anything, mkay?

Space out the lines!

Other than that... Lemme change my Style and then I'll say something else.

Malady wrote: Space out the lines!

I dun threw those lines out the airlock!

Er...I spaced 'em.

Well, I ship.

Nice Repentant One!

Dunno about shipping, though I guess it is somewhat implied. But it's really just a one off.

It's a think I've been thinking about for a while, regarding Whateley and it's penchant for changelings. A lot of them, who still has their family, will probably have friends at home as well. We know Chaka does. kayda has some if not friends, then at least some who are sympathetic to her situation.
Fey'll have some friends at home as well.

I know the stories aren't about them particularly, but I have been thinking that it's something that has sort of been missing. I mean, sure, people should definitely write what they want to write and not pay attention to the crazy dingo at the bottom of the forum. I just can't help but think that just as the life at the school and the future are important, so is the student's past as well.

And then I thought about how truly mean kids can be to each other. And it must be even worse in WU, with mutation and "magical" genderbending. Some of those mean kids could well grow up to regret their actions from when they where young.

Hence Perchance forgiveness

I found this ol' piece of writing. It's in the attached PDF.

It's from a Marvel RPG we played and it's not the first iteration of Starlight, but it is an early one.