Loved The Girl with the Silver Scales Discussion

Hi this is my first attempt writing for anyone but myself so any advice would be gratefully received. In the meantime I hope you enjoy my attempt at Fan Fiction. Enjoy!

Please change the thread title to differentiate from the actual fanfic thread, or change the icon (usually to a heart), 'else its confusing.

Will provide review on reading...

Review:

Short, I guess? Mysterious, as I don't have enough backstory to predict or speculate about anything. Will be watching for backstory...

So, a girl who was possessed by her spirit into killing people... And without any explanation, it's all very, well, vague, and hard to connect with.

Could start guessing the identity of the spirit... But I've got no ideas.

Good start to a continuing tale.

Plenty of hints to a backstory, with implied internal conflicts between herself and her spirit.

And a nice set-up for the next events.

I also like how you've left a large amount of blank slate for you to work with.

Very jazz.

I look forward to seeing what you'll do with the initial material.

Has Alex been out of ARC five times or three times, this seems to change half way through the story. It would also scan a bit better if you rearranged things so that all the thinking abôt the past happened in one chunk, rather then the way the story currently mixes past and present repeatedly.

Basically the idea for the first part was to build up some mystery about Alex and then reveal the back story as the chapters go on. I did actually write a prologue which explained some of the back story but I couldn't get it to fit quite right into the rest of the story no matter how much I tried. I'll just have to hope the reveal is worth the wait. Next part soon!

Hi GrandiaKnight, Just a few pieces of feedback from things I noticed reading, not trying to be harsh here, just trying to help.

Good idea to start with some mystery, makes me want to read more. You might want to make sure you've settled on 'what to keep secret' and what and when to reveal things, doing so will both help you "understand" your character, and help you keep track of who knows what when, always a hard thing to do in a "secrets" full story

There seems to be some 1st person / 3rd person mixing up in the language first few paragraphs (The first part seems to read as though there is a 3rd person narrator, then it jarringly switches to a first person narrator when we get to the face in the mirror). Not sure its meant, but things like saying the car made 'its' way down the road, rather then saying "we" jerk 3rd person wordage into a 1st person narrative, it's jarring to the reader, assuming you didn't mean it of course.

Are we going to Whateley? Whateley hasn't been mentioned to have a gate and gatehouse, students and visitors have been described as driving up to its main admin building multiple times. There would seem to be no need for this student to not do so as well, especially if its an ARC -> Whateley transfer, ARC and Whateley have been written to be quite close. A similar scene could be just as easily staged by having a security guard meet them at the main admin building and escort them to see Mrs. Carson. To those with experience int he Whateley stories this jars bit as its so different to the other tons of other stories of arriving at Whateley.

Phoenix Spiritus wrote: Whateley hasn't been mentioned to have a gate and gatehouse, students and visitors have been described as driving up to its main admin building multiple times..

Actually many stories do have unexpected vehicles getting stopped at the gate before being allowed in. Its only the official suttel buses that go stringht in.

I agree that a transfer from ARC to Whateley would be taken to the admin building. I can see a check at the front gate but then the car would be waved through. With what ARC does there driver would not even get a change from a green flag day to a yellow flag.

I do like the start and mystery. Want more.
Thanks

Sighing (comma needed)I stared out of the tinted windows at the landscape around me. A wall of white flakes surrounded the car. Above us (comma) the iron grey clouds that had been threatening to dump their contents for the last few hours made good on itstheir threat. The snow continued to swirl around the vehicle as it drove along the quiet back roads of New Hampshire. From the window a 15 year old girl with long dark hair and expressive green eyes stared back at me. I'd seen the same face everyday since I'd woken up in that room a year ago. It was still strange to me (probably needs comma)however. Even now I didn't ever think I'd get used to it.two contractions so close together sounds a bit strange, also shifts from present to past tense mid sentence "I don't think I will ever" would sound better.

Most of these are minor, such as the commas for proper pacing, but the subject/verb misalignment and the conflicting tense should be fixed. They occur a few more times throughout the chapter, but I didn't want to copy/paste the entire story.

I am interested to see where you go with this.