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7 years 11 months ago #1 by DanZilla
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  • It's the Introductory story for Peggy/Pegasus!!! let us know what you think...
    7 years 11 months ago #2 by Katssun
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  • Well, that was fairly horrifying...

    I did like that her softball friends were super supportive, but I was afraid the whole time that the H1 gym was going to brainwash her mother into handing her over to the death squad without any fight. It's sad that it is almost a relief that it went down only slightly worse than I feared.
    7 years 11 months ago #3 by Dpragan
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  • Accepting family, too bad we didn't get to know them better.

    In the end reality is only consensual! It means that Al Gore is causing "Global Warming" by his rhetoric alone! Fortunately, there are enough Global Warming "Deniers" still about to keep him from boiling the planet.

    =^+^=
    7 years 11 months ago - 7 years 11 months ago #4 by Phoenix Spiritus
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  • Katssun wrote: … I was afraid the whole time that the H1 gym was going to brainwash her mother into handing her over to the death squad without any fight …


    Hmm, evil. I Like it!

    I'll keep this in mind for next time :)
    Last Edit: 7 years 11 months ago by Phoenix Spiritus.
    7 years 11 months ago #5 by PookiesUncle
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  • STAR League and all its members are based in Providence, Rhode island, not Boston. Good story otherwise, though. :)
    7 years 11 months ago #6 by Dreamer
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  • SPOILER ALERT
    Below is a stream of conscious commentary I type up as I read the story. There will details from the story included in it. If you have not read the story yet and don't wish to have details of it spoiled, read no further.


    Soaring comments
    Warning: Spoiler! [ Click to expand ]

    Thank You for story comments appreciated and help me know me they are being read and liked. :-) Note: My story comments can't nor are trying to replace reading the stories, simply my way of enjoying them and letting the authors know I enjoy them.
    7 years 11 months ago - 7 years 11 months ago #7 by Valentine
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  • Ashley's reaction when they arrive for her combat final is a bit strange. I understand her being happy to see her parents, but her reactions towards Peggy and the adoption just seem a bit out there. Her friend lost her entire family, and Ashley seems to ignore that to be happy that she is getting a sister. It just seems really weird.

    A fairly dark little story, but good.

    At least one odd wordings:

    "Yes, tested. I've organised to take you to the headquarters of STAR League tomorrow. They'll test you and tell us what type of powers you have."


    "organized" is a weird word there.

    Don't Drick and Drive.
    Last Edit: 7 years 11 months ago by Valentine.
    7 years 11 months ago #8 by Arcanist Lupus
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  • I'm guessing that 'pronto' was the codeword for "stuff we can't talk about in public". Am I correct?

    "Shared pain is lessened; shared joy, increased — thus do we refute entropy." - Spider Robinson
    7 years 11 months ago #9 by Dreamer
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  • After thinking over some things in the story, it doesn't seem as straightforward as it did at first glance. The H1! guy spying on Peggy and her family, the woman whose eyes almost glowed working with H1! wanting all that footage of Peggy, the young woman owning the gym and how quickly it was set up. Almost seems like a conspiracy by some mutants including one rich one all to either manipulate H1! into a horrific crime to make them look worse or a frame job to make H1! look worse by some mutants imo. Some things just don't add up and I'm wondering if they will come back to haunt Peggy in the future, one way or another. :unsure:

    Thank You for story comments appreciated and help me know me they are being read and liked. :-) Note: My story comments can't nor are trying to replace reading the stories, simply my way of enjoying them and letting the authors know I enjoy them.
    7 years 11 months ago #10 by Phoenix Spiritus
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  • Valentine wrote: At least one odd wordings:

    "Yes, tested. I've organised to take you to the headquarters of STAR League tomorrow. They'll test you and tell us what type of powers you have."


    "organized" is a weird word there.


    Might be an Australianism or something, that's the word we'd use in that situation. You organise doctor's appointments and the like.
    7 years 11 months ago - 7 years 11 months ago #11 by Phoenix Spiritus
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  • Arcanist Lupus wrote: I'm guessing that 'pronto' was the codeword for "stuff we can't talk about in public". Am I correct?


    Actually 'situation' is their code word for superhero stuff :)

    It's much more usable in normal conversations, and easy to avoid using too.
    Last Edit: 7 years 11 months ago by Phoenix Spiritus.
    7 years 11 months ago - 7 years 11 months ago #12 by Kaitha39
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  • Dreamer wrote: After thinking over some things in the story, it doesn't seem as straightforward as it did at first glance. The H1! guy spying on Peggy and her family, the woman whose eyes almost glowed working with H1! wanting all that footage of Peggy, the young woman owning the gym and how quickly it was set up.

    I read the 'glowing eyes' comment more as a descriptive adjective tbh, not an indication of power but Phoenix might be setting something up for the future ^_^
    It's not like H1 need any help being a bunch of horrible cunts doing horrible things that mutants need to clandestinely help destroy their reputation. The only reason they're not as hated (Edit: In-universe. I'm sure we all hate them.) as the Nazi's or the KKK is because of supervillains doing things more obviously deadly.

    I loved the change in Mark from 'annoying little brother' to 'hero worshipping something cool'. Exactly what any little boy would be like.

    Also seconding the slight confusion about Ashley's emotions when Peggy came during finals. It read almost like she was confused that her friend isn't very happy. Like, girl, her entire family just died. She's not going to be singing and dancing. She's going to be thinking "It's all my fault! Why did I have to become a mutant? They'd still be alive if I wasn't."

    Any stories or Characters I put out are available to write around. Feel free to borrow them!
    Last Edit: 7 years 11 months ago by Kaitha39.
    7 years 11 months ago #13 by Valentine
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  • Phoenix Spiritus wrote:

    Valentine wrote: At least one odd wordings:

    "Yes, tested. I've organised to take you to the headquarters of STAR League tomorrow. They'll test you and tell us what type of powers you have."


    "organized" is a weird word there.


    Might be an Australianism or something, that's the word we'd use in that situation. You organise doctor's appointments and the like.


    I would use "arrange."

    Don't Drick and Drive.
    7 years 11 months ago #14 by Esar
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  • A character ending up being an orphan tends to be the kind of thing which puts me off (maybe because it can easily be misused and because I think the removal of relationship/interpersonal ties can have detrimental consequences.) but here I think her new situation/relationship with her adoptive family shouldn't be "problematic" (even if I agree that Phoenixfire's reaction was kinda off-puting.).

    I really liked the younger brother. The father on the other hand has not left a strong impression on me.

    Thanks Phoenix.
    7 years 11 months ago #15 by mhalpern
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  • Esar wrote: A character ending up being an orphan tends to be the kind of thing which puts me off (maybe because it can easily be misused and because I think the removal of relationship/interpersonal ties can have detrimental consequences.) but here I think her new situation/relationship with her adoptive family shouldn't be "problematic" (even if I agree that Phoenixfire's reaction was kinda off-puting.).

    I really liked the younger brother. The father on the other hand has not left a strong impression on me.

    Thanks Phoenix.


    Yeah at the beginning I was thinking that Mark would end up a Changeling due to the "wishing for a sister instead of a brother" + "be careful what you wish for" in a morbid sense the same result happened Peggy lost her brother and gained a sister.

    Any Bad Ideas I have and microscene OC character stories are freely adoptable.
    7 years 11 months ago #16 by Iwasforger03
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  • Meh, I figure I'll go for the arrogance: wasn't really that impressed, felt like it should have been longer. Lots of scenes I would have loved to see but didn't.

    Did think the unexpected explosion was good, and watching it from Lauren's perspective was pretty cool. Sadly, I never really felt any emotional connection to anyone while reading this.

    As to a member of STAR League being in boston instead? I could buy that, sort of, but it does seem a little odd since the team isn't based in Boston.

    I am a Sexy Shoeless God of War - So suck it CP!
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