Question Only the Surface

Hey folks,

I was told that if I were to post a thread in this forum, I might be able to get some feedback on my story.

Some quick background info:

- I'm relatively new to the Whateley scene, so if there's any discontinuity or major faux pas, *please* let me know and I'll do what I can to fix it.
- This is also my first writing project, which makes it a little intimidating. Not asking for a pass on anything, I really want to do a good job, just take anything dumb I may say with a grain of salt
- I'd especially appreciate any structure, flow, pacing, or grammar corrections you might spot. I try to catch them myself, but don't have terribly much experience doing so.

I already have the major tent-post plot points, characters, and potential for continuing stories chartered out, but left in a fair amount of wiggle room in case something comes up.

whateleyacademy.net/index.php/forum/fabr...592-only-the-surface

Please let me know what you like / don't like, I would super appreciate it. I hope you enjoy

~Shaiden

Nice intro, its hinting at a lot, so I'm interested at what comes after.

Mrs. Crane... A mage or something, I guess, given that hint of animate rocks at the end. Although, why he has to keep it secret, and why he got injured, we are left wondering for now...

Yeah, that came out a little bit ham-fisted I'm afraid.

Original draft had a bunch more fun hint-y type stuff, but after re-reading it once, I grimaced and realized I'd somehow drifted towards "edgy" which was definitely not on the agenda.

I hope you're liking it, and good observations.

Malady wrote: Mrs. Crane... A mage or something, I guess, given that hint of animate rocks at the end. Although, why he has to keep it secret, and why he got injured, we are left wondering for now...

She could be teaching him "crane style" kung fu the hard way, with claws or talons

Hm. The son of a medical professional should be taking the news about Dybbuk and a "latent plague" to heart and covering the wound better. Maybe he knows a colleague that won't rat him out to his mother?

Of course, if the wound's from a supernatural creature, I could see even the intro getting "edgy" very quickly.

Promising start. Just from reading this short snippet I got a strong feeling that you gave special attention to fleshing out the background, bringing the environment to life. There's a lot hinted at, which is a good sign that you have the plot mapped out.

I like to pay special attention to the very first paragraph of any story. It often hints at the overarching tone. Down to earth, with a hint of sarcasm. Somehow I feel like the birds and the egyptian might be relevant. I'm looking too deeply into this ( -3-)

You really took care of the details around Shane cleaning his wound. I am rather curious about how he got such a peculiar wound. Jagged scrapes. Was he thrown to the ground and scrapped his whole upperarm on concrete?

"My Mom was a giant" The comment confused me a bit, as at first I thought she was the 6'4" despite the rest of the paragraph. If she's 5'10" or even 6', his mom is not that much of a giant. Shane definitely is though.

"If it weren't for you meddling kids" There's another kid in the house other than Shane?

"Don't renovate anything without calling and checking first" Made me laugh xD I can totally see the gadgeteer look, candily saying 'Who, me?' with innocent eyes.

Just posted Chapter 2, though there may be a bit of a slow-down for anything further, given the need for sweet sweet moolah.

Seriously though, I will be busy at work, but if I get a chance, I'll try to update.

I hope you're enjoying it so far! I managed to actually get the majority of the "writing" done in a day or so, which might explain some of the roughness. Once again, please let me know if there's anything you like / dislike, or if you have suggestions on how to make the story better.

(I admit, the fact that I already had comments made me squee pretty hard).

@GrimGrendel:
Very perceptive on a few accounts! I'll admit that there wasn't / isn't egyptian themes here, though now I wish I'd thought of it... You're very close on a few other ones though!

The "My Mom was a giant" was a bit more of an emotional line indicating how he perceieves her, rather than the physical reality. She's a giant in his eyes, even if she's shorter. If you have any idea how I might be able to re-word that, I'd love to hear it! Same goes for the "meddling kids" line, which was mostly just a scooby-doo gag. I probably could have made things a bit clearer. Thanks for the feedback

@Null0trooper
Hmmm, Interesting theory, I'd be interested to hear what you think of chapter 3/4 where we'll be getting more of the enigmatic (for now... She's not terribly good at it) Ms Crane.

I'm definitely planning on there being harsher tones later in the story. I'm not exactly certain if there's a rating system, or trigger warning post, or something I should be tossing on. There might be a bit of body-horror and a bit of gore, though with luck I can try to smooth those out a bit. Good catch on the Dybbuk though, he may or may not be important to the story. Not so much a chekov's gun, as a chekov's giant fist of ham.

Thanks for reading!
~Shaiden

EDIT:
Actually, as a post-script, would any of you have any suggestions in regards to scene separation? In chapter 2 I added some additional spacing between individual scenes (as long or short as they may be), but I don't know if it'll come off correctly. I just don't want the story to be an eye-straining adventure.

Re "My Mom was a giant": Maybe just expand the sentence a bit to show that it is his emotional perception. Like "Even though I had to look down to meet her eyes, I'll always feel like a kid in her arms."

Re Scooby-doo ref: Would it still work as "If it weren't for your meddling mom..."?

Re separation: There is the [ hr ] tag (remove spaces) in the editor which is a straight separator line. You could use that, with a space above and below.


"the nectar of the gods, an Ice Capp from Tim Hortons." You make the best comparisons xD

" "A place where harm might come to you?” she said, her eyes narrowing. " Slight formating. Shouldn't this line be joined in the previous paragraph since Judy speaks both? It happens again with "Let's go flunky!" Unless you are going for some specific effect with the dialog split?

I find it funny that Judy and Shane have that gay friend relationship, only inversed with the teasing going toward the straight guy. The laced bra. I'll admit, the teasing was thick enough that I thought she was onto him at first, before her preference was made blatantly clear (yet I still reserve my doubts. Is she onto him? Her teasing is so insistent that I can't help but wonder).

References to head problems. Anger. Magic. There's something important that we're missing that you'll only reveal drop by drop.

"I do owe her Judes" Judes > Judy? Tomboy? Lesbian? Changeling? I'm sooooo looking too deep into it. Look at what you're making me do with all that parcelled info! xD (Looking back, I got confused due to the split dialog. I though Judy was speaking. My bad. Not editing out my initial though process though, even though it might not be super coherent ;D)

Nice delivery on the Syndicate reveal!

Howdy folks,

Good news and bad news. Bad news is that I'm sadly sick today so no moolah. Good news is that I felt like writing up a whole bunch. Chapter 3 has been posted.

@GrimGrendel
Oh snap, thanks for all the hints! I've added use of HR into chapter three, though I'm going to take a break before editing chapters 1 & 2 with your other suggestions.

Thanks for the feedback on the characters & reveal. I read it just before going to bed, and I admit to audibly squee'ing ^_^;;

Hope you all enjoy chapter 3!

~Shaiden

Well, he's a test for the Syndicate... And he accidentally caused someone's death? Or there's just no way to get out of the Syndicate peacefully, as well...

Mrs. Crane... Magic Teacher, but do the 'rents not want him doing it 'cause it places him in danger, or some other reason? ... The Synd must know his parentage and stuff... His parents could actually know what he's been up to but waiting for him to say something???

Scales as a measure of self... Interesting...

And some more new characters... He's not actually a mutant, but has magic... Will he stay baseline??

... How long is this story going to go for? Is it just gonna be an intro and then more adventures in a new thread or something?

Howdy!

@Malady

A number of those things I can't quite answer yet, though you'll likely get them in the next chapter or two. Currently planning on this being an introduction primarily, I would guestimate around 8 or so chapters? possibly more. As things pick up, I'm not sure how quickly events will occur from chapter to chapter. If I just split out major events by chapter, then we'll have more, but they're likely be shorter.

And I do have some story hooks set up or planned for potential expansion if people want more. We'll just have to wait and see.

Thanks for the comment!

~Shaiden

Shane and Shaun. That's too close to be a coincidence. My going theory goes along the line that Renee has a weakspot for "Sha*n*" guys.

So Shane can hold a poker face in front of the Syndicate's thugs, but has no confidence lying to his parents. That's cute.

"I found the man's obituary the next week." Dayum. If I were him, I'd prepare my will. Just in case.

"I suppose if Ben were home," Who is Ben? A character of future importance? Somehow I read it as Shane's brother.

The Jabberwocky/Knight scale is an odd way of evaluating your day. It doesn't really work other than as a mirror of his current state of mind, since he can tilt the balance any which way by putting more emphasis on happy or sad thoughts.

Oh, hey. It's Colin! More or less :\

"Goddamnit kid" Quite a lot of characterisation packed into a mere two words. Looking forward to meet Ms. Crane.

Yep! You're going the 'scale as a methaphore of Shane's state of mind' route. Just like Ms. Crane doesn't readily say 'yes', Shane does not express his emotions too much. Nice way to let the reader know how much he cares.

God...Damnit...Brain...

So, as it turns out, the dude who chose the user name "Shaiden" because he likes the "SH' sound, was terrified that he'd get hung up on names when trying his first writing project, so he leaned pretty heavily on a random name generator.

Then he just cliiicked and cliiicked and cliicked until he found names he liked, and wanted to put in.

And then, three chapters in, he realizes that not only does the main character have an "SH" name, but so does a some random greasy schlub he has an extended dialogue with.

*sigh*


@GrimGrendel
Thank you so much for pointing that out. I'm a little far in with the name "Shane" to want to change it at this point, but I'm going to be switching out Shaun when I do my edits. You're right, it's very similar. Also embarrassing on my own behalf. I appreciate your catching it.

I'm going back and altering Shaun's name, not sure what yet, but i'm leaving this comment in. Hopefully nobody takes this as a "this is a self insert" or anything like that. I just read a bunch of Whateley over the course of a week, then thought of a neat story I wanted to try telling. I just really liked the "SH" names.

Feel free to call me out on that stuff if you see it pop up again. The idea that it might be misinterpreted like that is actually kind of distressing. I've read too many decent stories that tripped on it and fell into a plot hole. =/

*ahem*

In regards to your other comments:

re: Pokerface
Shane seems the type to me to hold a poker face if he doesn't put any weight in your opinion. Sort of a "I haven't met you, and I know you might be a threat, full defense mode on". Wonder where he got that from? Given his panic attack afterwards, it definitely still hits him though. Good catch on the parents, and it seemed to happened with Judy too.

re: The Obituary:
An interesting thing to note there is that Shane doesn't *actually* have proof that it was his actions that lead to the man's death. Rather, it's telling that he immediately made the assumption that it was. He may not be a reliable narrator when it comes to cause & effect, let alone some perceptions of other people (ironically, given his performance in the pub). The idea that a Syndicate manager might have a new member killed on a teenager's say-so feels a little off in that light, doesn't it? I wonder if there's something else going on there...

Re: Ben
You are correct, Ben is Shane's older brother. As to why he might feel his dad might make an exception if he were there, there's a hint in there for one line also.

Re: Colin
Colin... to be honest, I had more for him, but half-way through having a live-chat, I realized I didn't know enough about GEO to be honest on how they'd communicate, given circumstances. As such, I left it at a short text note that contained a bit of speculation fuel when combined with previous lines about him. I'd rather not mangle someone else's creation, even if it's only independent fiction, so I'll have to do some GEO reading. Do you have any suggestions for a good foundation?

Re: The metaphor
And you're right on the money regarding the scale & Shane's narration.

As ham-fisted as it is, take a look to see how the system is weighted *before* he starts putting on the "events of the day". It's a little bit telling.

Re: Ms Crane
Oh man, I giggled and grinned when I wrote that line. I really doubt I'll be able to live up to it, but I'll try!


Thanks for your reading an comments everyone! I'm afraid I didn't get around to the edits due to illness claiming me, and the next time I might have time to write is Thursday. If any of you have aspects of the story, characters, suggestions, corrections, or things you'd love to see incorporated (Keeping in mind I have a fair amount charted out already, with a bit of wiggle room)
Please please please let me know!

~Shaiden

EDIT:
Actually, I'm curious. When you all respond to stories, do you make jot-notes as you go? Or read through the whole thing and make the notes afterwards? I'm kind of interested

Even if it was a self-insert SH* name, it wouldn't matter if you can tell a good story, and you're definitely on the right path.
For GEO, you should check the wiki page first. Here's the link . There is a lot of details there taken from many different stories, and it should cover the essential.

Personally, I jolt a few notes as I read, then quickly go over them and write my thoughts on the whole thing. That's when I spot little inconsistencies in my understanding, like the Judes/Judy comment above.

Take care and recover well. (⌒w⌒)

Shaiden wrote: So, as it turns out, the dude who chose the user name "Shaiden" because he likes the "SH' sound, was terrified that he'd get hung up on names when trying his first writing project, so he leaned pretty heavily on a random name generator.

I know a Shaunna, a Shayna, and my brother's named Sean.

Another way to come across unusual but valid names: FamilySearch records. Pop in a name, a date range, and location ... and find out just how genuinely unprepared some people must have been for having and naming children.

Shaiden wrote: re: The Obituary:
An interesting thing to note there is that Shane doesn't *actually* have proof that it was his actions that lead to the man's death. Rather, it's telling that he immediately made the assumption that it was. He may not be a reliable narrator when it comes to cause & effect, let alone some perceptions of other people (ironically, given his performance in the pub). The idea that a Syndicate manager might have a new member killed on a teenager's say-so feels a little off in that light, doesn't it? I wonder if there's something else going on there...

It could be magic's "Rule of Intent", or as Elyzia Grimes phrased a different situation "free will is a bitch". One also needs to be careful around "Law of Definition", as what a magician expects to happen may be much more, or much less, likely.

Or, his reaction to the daisy pusher could have been spot on, and the Syndicate has little tolerance for someone who's going to get people killed because he screwed up. It's kind of funny reading this after writing a scene where one of my OCs is obliquely reminded of the horrific costs of keeping on someone whom he should have executed weeks earlier.

Shaiden wrote: Actually, I'm curious. When you all respond to stories, do you make jot-notes as you go? Or read through the whole thing and make the notes afterwards? I'm kind of interested

I do that - annotate a copy as I go - if I'm formally reviewing a manuscript, with the working assumption that it's a complete document that's past the rough draft stage. Otherwise, if I've commented, it's on something that caught my attention after reading the text, and usually in response to what someone else wrote.

Huzzah in all things! A quick editing pass has been completed based on all of your feedback!

Also, Shaun became Dan. Weird innit?

On to responses!

@GrimGrendel
Heh, I appreciate the vote of confidence.

I think it just shook me up a bit since I'm nervous about this torpedo'ing, and wanted to nip it in the bud right away. In my typical fashion, that required panicking and thinking of worst case scenarios.

Thanks for the GEO link! I'd taken a glance at it before, but what I was mainly looking for was the game from the perspective of the player, or specific scenery / imagery I could slide in there. I'll definitely give it a re-read to see if there's anything else I can glean from it.

For example, I started reading Whisper (though I'll admit, I had to put it down due to other priorities, I'd have to start over if I wanted to get the full story) and most of the game descriptives work as though the world were the thing that was real, very much like a .hack// or SAO perspective. What I was looking for was things like, what living on the evil side might be, what kind of UI elements or controls do the characters have? Does the player see everything in a first person or can it shift to third person? Is it available only via VR, or do monitors suffice?

Basically, a lot of that write-up is damn impressive, but feels a bit like it's meant for stories set inside of GEO, or for references to GEO, but I was only really dipping my toes in, and wasn't sure what sort of cliffs notes I should be expecting. I highly suspect that's just my lack of having read stories in that setting (well, for the most part!).

The Jot note thing is interesting... I'd assume that (like myself) people read to the end, then digest their thoughts on it before cherry-picking particular points, but if it's more like a "play by play" then it definitely gives a more useful perspective to the writer (Oh, they think that means THAT!? I'd better do something!). It's got me going back and re-reading everyone's feedback sos far to see what else I can glean from it. Thanks for the comments and the vote of confidence!!


@Null0trooper
Yeahhh, As said above, I suspect I was just freaking out a little bit. Thanks for the re-assurances.

I may just have to switch over to that FamilySearch page, the random generator was giving me some *preeeetty* edge casey names, hopefully I don't run into too many of those "unprepared" examples you mention. Given my history, I'd probably use them XD

I'd read over the "Rules of Magic" as some of them may be featured quite heavily. As it is, the alchemically treated paper I mentioned earlier is acting on a consumable format of sympathetic magic. Consuming the paper, but reflecting the message to it's destination, with the touch of Iron being the triggering mechanism. It's why the receiver doesn't immediately use up their page, the consumption and message is being sent from the origin point rather than the destination.

I don't 100% have them memorized yet, but I definitely should re-read them hopefully this wiki page is up to date.

Off chance, could you link me to said story? I'm afraid I'm still stumbling around here and am not certain if there's an easy way to find your story.

And yeah, sounds like you and GrimGrendel follow the same flow. Do you consider formal review to be these comments? or is that a more involved process you do elsewhere?




Thanks again everyone! Edits made, and I got some real work done on nailing down the events of chapters 3 & 4. They don't quite go as far into the plot as I'd originally planned, but I hope you enjoy them (eventually )

~Shaiden

Shaiden wrote: I may just have to switch over to that FamilySearch page, the random generator was giving me some *preeeetty* edge casey names, hopefully I don't run into too many of those "unprepared" examples you mention. Given my history, I'd probably use them XD

Like Wydesfrida Hurt, christened 25 Feb 1598, in Holton cum Beckering, West Lindsey, Lincolnshire?

Shaiden wrote: Off chance, could you link me to said story? I'm afraid I'm still stumbling around here and am not certain if there's an easy way to find your story.

The Micro-Scenes can be difficult to find after a while. I was referring to an (almost?) throwaway line in what I think of Do Not Provoke Happy Fun Headmistress

Thomas nodded, then struck back with, "Mads, you spent more time sulking and wishing Yoyo were dead than anything else I could name."

"You didn't like the useless slitch either! Only person I've ever met that was stupid enough to suggest boosting cars in a war zone." was the growled rejoinder.

The untold back story from the guys' original lives as a Shadowrun PC (Mads) and a pacted spirit (Thomas) is that Yoyo was a walking, back-talking, pick-pocketing, security risk on the hoof (and unfortunately a PC). Mads knew all along that it was his operation, his responsibility, and he that should have put a bullet in her head in London. Instead, more time went into damage control than planning and there's now a lake where there used to be a presidential palace and nearby town. At the very least, a third of the team never left Africa.

Yoyo really did try to get the team to steal two vehicles worth a tenth of her monthly pay from our then-employer's client.

Technically, it was Thomas that decided he would not be pulling the hazard to his continued existence out of the impending strike zone. Mads had already arranged a fatal accident for her, but that got pre-empted.

Shaiden wrote: And yeah, sounds like you and GrimGrendel follow the same flow. Do you consider formal review to be these comments? or is that a more involved process you do elsewhere?

It's something I've done elsewhere. My former employer required articles and publications to undergo editorial review, peer or colleague review, and policy review. Ideally, that ends up being an involved process - if for no other reason than the requirement that accuracy and precision both trump style in technical manuscripts.

Howdy doo good Whateley-ites!

Well, it turns out I wasn't as cured as I thought. only managed to be at work one day this week, the rest was ill with some pretty nasty migranes, which meant very little actual word-time. On the up-side, I basically charted out general events going upwards to a chapter 12, which should make things a lot easier going forward.

Downside being that I may have bloated things up to twelve chapters, with expansion being possible.... =/ Hopefully you're all enjoying it! I feel like I'm slowly falling down a rabbit hole of "things I was to write" getting deeper than my escape rope of "effort I'm willing to spend in a day".

I wonder if this will just work it's way out of my system? .... hrm...

Anyway, Chapter 4 is posted. Sadly it ends on a not terribly cliff-hangery cliffhanger. I kind of feel bad about that, but the next chapter's a fairly big one, and I've already started on it. With luck (and focus) I might have it done this weekend.

How're you all liking it so far? Is it different from other Whateley stories you enjoy? If so, how? Can you think of any improvements I might be able to make (less plodding / more plot movement / more descriptive / etc). Feel free to let me know! I'm still super new at this, so I suspect there's quite a bit of room for improvement.

Have at'r!

@Null0trooper

Oof, I remember a scenario a little similar to that during a Terrestrial Exhalted campaign. Not quite as bad a bloodbath, but a very similar lesson.

Believe me, I get ya on the technical documentation. I have to both vette & occasionally write them despite not necessarily having a good grasp of the systems in place. Leads to some interesting conversations with co-workers generally with the eternal cycle of "Here I wrote the thing" --> "That's not how the system works" --> "It's literally what you had in the email" --> "Well it needs to be fixed" --> "Show me how the system works again" --> "Here I wrote the thing".

Generally it ends up turning into a wonderful Sisyphean hell where it turns out they'd been changing the system as I wrote the docs, demanded them always be updated, and later finding out nobody would ever use them. ~_~

"No, nothing will go wrong." Tempting fate. It's a good bet everything will go wrong.

"At least Devi was willing to help cover for me, well cover anyway." New character? First thing that sprung to mind is Devi for Devil.

"hateful birds chirping" I like the callback to that first paragraph.

"Spoilers, she exploded." Can't stop grinning at Shane right now. Loving it.

"I leapt down onto the empty bed in front of us, leaning up behind a smaller shipping box, with my front facing the engine" I am quite confused as to how the scene is laid out here. There's a bed you can jump onto from a rock beside the train? If Shane is about to jump into a wagon, how can he be facing the engine? What/who is leaning here, the bed of Shane? I am also lost as to what action Shane is extacly doing, especially once he tries to "make it look fairly effortless". I'm guessing it's just a simple jump.

The description of Ms. Crane's cavern and house gave me some trouble too. There were one or two run-on sentences, but more to the point I had a bit of a hard time figuring out whether the house was in an underground cavern or whether it was outside. The pipes dropping from the cave's ceiling and rising out of the ground like an artificial forest do seem odd the way I am picturing them, which I feel might not be the way you intended to show them. Same with the house, where the tinted windows on only the upperfloor seem out of place inside a cavern, and similarly with the two gardens, shack and golden disco ball(???).

I recommend you reword those descriptions slightly. A good exercise would be to say them outloud, or read them to a friend until you are reliably sure the person you are talking to understands the big points and what is the focus of the scene. Then write those descriptions as you explained them to your friend.

"I need to know that you're going to be all right before we go on, we can take a break here if you want" Amusingly enough, I feel like this is addressed both to Judy and the reader. 'Dear reader, last stop before Wonderland. Fasten your seatbelt and enjoy the ride.' xD There's even your very own Cheshire cat(s).

Good chapter. You set the atmosphere for Ms. Crane, and I'm more impatient than ever to read the next chapter.

I wonder how Shane reacted the first time he came down here. That, and why he came down in the first place. Was he alone? Did he freak out? Who's that Jasper (Jasper's a cat. I'm positive!)? So many questions :3

^ I think the train is carrying cargo and they hopped in, with 'bed' being like the bed of a flatbed truck .

Magical location, so a forest inside a cavern works.

I guess even if magic is treated as 'sorta exists', large magics are still awesome.

So, in the first chapter, he's talking about his parents not knowing about him being Syn, not Mrs. Crane...

That plot with his dad, I think will become relevant...

Eeeeeeee!

You can only imagine the grin I get when there's feedback the morning after I post a chapter.

Sounds like I've got some editing to do before continuing with the next chapter.

Let's do the rounds!

@GrimGrendel
Re: Birds
Shane hates birds, but doesn't dislike them if that makes any sense. They're the animal equivalent of "morning people"

Re: Devi
Yep! Devi is indeed another character. You'll be meeting her in the next chapter fairly quickly, as well as another character we've heard mentioned before (besides Ms. Crane of course). Neither will have terribly much to say, but it's for a good reason.

Re: Exploding
When I thought of the "Historical Super Hero" comic book, I realized that that's probably how a lot of stories would end. Someone named Sparkfuse was just asking to be exploded.

Re: Trainbed
As Malady pointed out, what I'd meant was that it was a cargo train, with a flat-bed currently not being used for cargo immediately behind the engine train. I'll clean that up somewhat, thanks for the catch The "make it look effortless" was an attempt to get Judy not to hesitate in her own jump. It's the first time, and she's wearing a pretty heavy backpack, but you're right, it is just a simple jump down.

Re: Description of cavern and house
Can you tell that I type up both the train and cavern scene at the same time late at night? I think I was getting a little anxious to finally get to Ms. Crane and move onto some more interesting stuff. I know I do a bunch of information teasing, and I really want to get into the specifics (Especially since one of the crux's of the story may be shot down due to cannon material that I'm unaware of!!). The only teasing I enjoy in a malicious manner are those one-liners at the end, I do love those. I suspect I started to wax poetic (or at least, my version of it) at some point and just couldn't be bothered to do a proper re-read of that section. I think I'll try to re-write it like a panning shot in a movie, to give the locations and description a little more context.

Re: Wonderland
Oh man... I hope I can live up to that... I was going for a bit of a Harry Potter vibe the first time the castle came into view. Hopefully you enjoy the next chapter.

Re: Cats
Ms Crane has a complicated relationship with the cats. More in the next chapter

Re: Jasper
Jasper likes cats, that's all I'll say on that issue, you'll see more in the next chapter (broken record, I know).

Re: Shane's first time there
Not many details, but the circumstances by which Shane first found his way to Ms. Crane's have been hinted at in previous chapters. Not many, and typically mentioned in passing or in particular descriptives, but there's a definite connecting thread. More will be revealed (not sure if in the next chapter or not, but you'll get a clearer pattern before long.)


@Malady
Re: Train-bed
Correct! I'll be editing to make it a bit clearer ^_^

Re: Forest
Damn, I think I mangled my words a bit there. The imagery I was trying to convey was that the iron pipe-works were sprouting from the ground going straight up, that there were dozens of them, giving the vague impression of a sparse forest. I'll do some cleaning up on that. Sorry for the confusion!

Re: Magic
You definitely have the right vibe. I'm treating magic as a "This isn't something you'd expect to encounter in your every day life, unless you lived near a lot more heroes and villains. You logically know that people who can walk on stilts exist, but you don't expect to see them walking out of your local pharmacy (Terrible metaphor, I know). People know about it (It's on MID's after all!) but something big like this is a little beyond what one would expect from a casual encounter. The only reason we've seen so much magic so far (the paper, the door, the cavern) is due to Ms. Crane and her ... er.. 'acquaintances'.

Re: Shane's parents
With luck the parent's don't know about the Sydicate! They did seem wary of Ms Crane too though... I wonder if they're in the dark for a few parts of Shane's life. At the very least, they know he's taking "lessons" from her I suppose, but what are those?

Re: Plot with Dad
I've put a few false-flags of potential plot hints, this may OR MAY NOT be one of them :3


Thanks again for all your feedback folks! I'll see if I can't wordsmith out those two scenes before continuing to chapter five.

~Shaiden


UPDATE EDIT:
I'm taking a quick break before continuing chapter 5, but I got the edits to chapter 4 knocked out. Primarily focusing on GrimGrendel & Malady's point on the train-car, and Grimgrendel's mention of the cavern, and Malady's pointing out that that the pipe-works maybe needed to be clarified. Thanks everyone! If you have the time, let me know if these work better for you.


SECOND UPDATE

Howdy folks!

Editing this in to avoid a double-post.

I'm afraid Chapter 5 was getting a bit long in the tooth, so I cut it in half, and have posted the first half as "Chapter 5: Back to Elementary". The second intended half will instead be posted as chapter 6.

I've already got some of it written up, so if I'm lucky and don't come home exhausted from work, I'm hoping to get 7 out tomorrow evening.

Hopefully you enjoy chapter 5. It has the character introduction of Ms Crane, Devi, and the return of a very bamboozled Judy.

Let me know what you think!

Oh, we meet Mrs. Crane and Devi! Cool!



... Are the Syn technically able to operate as Neutrals, it's just that they slant Villainous? ... No, but if they did, it could explain any heroes that work with them...

... Not sure how Grey the Syn are...

Hey Malady!

I'll try to respect the spoiler tag, though I'll admit, I've never been on this side of the equation O_o;

Have-at-er only after reading chapter 5, if you are so inclined!





~Shaiden

^ I only spoilered 'cause it's the first post after a new chapter, so if anyone read that without reading the new chapter first, they would have been spoiled. ... 'Cause I (sometimes / usually) accidentally do that.

Have-at-er only after reading chapter 5, if you are so inclined!

Have at what, precisely?

... Oh, I spelt Asceleptius right? ... No, I didn't... It's "Asclepius"...

On 'Milkrun', yeah, I get the colloquialism, I just thought that since both Mrs. Crane and the Syn both talked about milkruns, and I wasn't clear and didn't feel like a reread to check if both groups were talking about the same milkrun.

So, those milkruns are different? The delivery he was picking up for Mrs Crane isn't the Syn thing, right?

Howdy!

Ah, the "have-at-er" was for other folks to read the content of the post after they read chapter 5 if they're inclined to do so... I'm afraid I'm not up to speed on spoiler etiquette here ^_^;;



My apologies if it was confusing. I'd been trying to keep it to "trip" so he didn't exposition dump early, rather than have a nice reveal later on. If you have any suggestions on how to make reference to them in a more appropriate way, while still keeping information limited, I'd love to hear them!

~Shaiden


EDIT:
My apologies folks!

I was starting to type out the start of chapter 6 when I noticed a discrepancy in my notes. I've gone back and edited chapter 5. If you haven't read it all-ready, you aren't missing anything. If you have read it already, two of the quadrants switched places in the chamber. That's all I'll say. It isn't a plot-significant change, but it's involved in the theme of Ms Crane's work.

Well, that's just my reason for spoilering things, and I'll also do it if posts seem to be getting too long. And unlike other forums, auto-quotes in replies do get spoilers, thankfully.

If you want to stick with 'milkrun', just mention that it's been the X-th one in Y-th time periods, so we know that there are different ones, we just need to know that there's more than one?

Or just that he's been on a lot of them. So we know that there isn't just the one.

And if all of Shaun's interactions with the Syn are on behalf of Mrs. Crane, that hints at certain things?

You can also make a case for using spoilers to separate multiple discussion threads going around.

I support Malady's idea of making the two milkruns more clearly distinct. I stumbled a bit there, thinking at first Ms. Crane was talking about the box exchange with Shaun (sorry, don't remember his new name). But no, it was something else, maybe two to five days back if the scabbing is any indication.

Howdy folks!

So I got a ton of writing done, and went a little bit exposition / descriptive heavy, so the previous chapter 5 that was split into chapter 6, is now 5/6/and the as of yet unwritten 7.

I'm going to do a pass over it based on feedback from 5, and try to clean it up a little bit, but I should hopefully have it posted tonight. After that, there'll be the mid-week lull before 7 gets typed up. (sorry! I'm apparently bad at time estimation / pacing for these things!)

On to the responses!
@Malady
Fair enough I'll just try to go with how other people are posting here in terms of spoilers till I get a better bead on things.

Re: Milkrun
Good call! I'm going to go back and make some distinctions in earlier chapters. Nothing huge, just minor references to their differences, and that each type has happened a few times. Not sure if I'll get that done tonight, but it's definitely on the list. Thanks!!

Re: Interactions
<.<

@GrimGrendel
Yup! As above, I'm going to make them a bit more distinct. Hopefully it hasn't effected the fic too badly so far! I'll be doing some editing a little later.

Re: Crane
Glad you like her

Re: Devi
She'll be around for a while, hopefully she's still enjoyable. Glad you're having fun

Re: Judy
Poor poor Judy... the line felt like it might have been a ham-fisted attempt at humor, or Judy just losing filters as she continued her freak-out XD

However I do agree, I'd come to the same conclusion regarding the Judy/ Ms Crane scene. I think at the time, I was just trying to get the chapter out the door, was getting tired, and reached for a cheap emotional moment. Up on the docket I'll be changing it around so that Crane remains sitting, and Shane goes to sit with her. I think it reflects their relationships a little more closely, especially considering some dialogue in the next chapter. Don't feel the need to re-read it if you don't want to, that's the primary summary of those changes.

Re: Closet
I'mma be honest, I spent a good five minutes trying to figure out an alright name / word that'd achieve the desired results. Still feels clunky, but at least it did it's job

Thanks! Hope you like the next one too!


Thanks for the feedback!!
~Shaiden


Update #1:
Edits done on chapter 5 as above. Crane remains sitting, Shane tries to comfort Judy, and all is right in the world.
Milk-run edits are last on the list, but I'll keep them in mind. Right now I'm focused on getting 6 up before bedtime.

Update #2:
Chapter 6 is posted! Get it while it's hot.
(And yes, I'm intentionally not answering that question yet, give it time )

"Think of this as a database" Are you in computer science? :3 Completely unrelated, it's just that a lot of comparisons could have been made here, and the fact that you/Shane went with a programming one is a bit telling

"Devi, you are the prettiest snake girl ever, a good friend, and I don't deserve you..." As little interaction as she has, Devi's character comes accross strongly here xD

"Stockholm syndrome" Difficult question. It puts the seeds of doubt in the reliability of our narator. Teinted glasses much

Oh, the iron pipes make sense now.

"breeder nuclear reactor" Just as with the database metaphore above, remember that not everyone will know about these, and not everyone will be willing to skim a wikipedia article to catch the obvious reference on something that could be handwaved. (I had to look it up actually)

"genetic research on fruit flies" this one you can get away with, but you are getting pretty close to metaphore/comparision saturation here.

"like if you were outside in the arctic, you'd last longer if you were wearing an insulated coat" I wonder if you could get away without the comparision here. Instead of having technobabble devolve into simple speak, maybe you can simplify the initial explanation so it is easier to grok. You don't have to hamstring words like quintessence and Soma into every description. Once we know what you're talking about, using simpler words like 'energy', 'body' and 'lifespan' will get the message across.

You do like your cliffhangers, don't you. :3

Howdy folks!

Apologies for the late responses, I'm afraid work was something of a kick to the head this week, so I didn't get as much done as I would have liked.

I'm currently working on the next chapter, and a minute or so from posting this, I'll be trying to do some cutbacks based on @GrimGrendel's feedback above.

On with the response!

@GrimGrendel
Re: Database
I am! I admit, in writing it, I kind of knew that it may not be terribly clear to those reading it, but it was the first and primary example that would come to my mind >_<

Re: Devi
I like Devi, she's fairly center in the story, so I hope I can manage to keep that character up.

Re: Unreliable narrator
Definitely If you watch for the pattern vs facts, Shane can sometimes sugarcoat or sour his perceptions on people and events. Hopefully it comes across alright!

Re: Nuclear reactor
Yeah... this was another one I knew might be a little bit confusing. I suppose I watched too much star trek as a kid, reading over the chapter just before posting, I knew there was a lot of techhno-babble, but am somewhat inured to it. I'll try to clean that one up a little bit, possibly remove and apply a layer of hand-wavium

Re: Saturation / lexicon
Yep, Going to go through and see if I can cut down one or two, Also cutting down on the hamstringing of words. I think I just liked writing "quintessence" for some reason. Maybe the chance to use the letter 'q' more


Re: Cliffhangers
To be honest, that's a huge writing weakness for me. I have a hard time deciding when a chapter / scene should end, and typically end of up cutting / adding a bunch of material before figuring out a reasonable spot. The cliffhangers (in some cases) are unintentional, as when I read them over, they almost feel like the period at the end of a sentence, like it has some additional level of finality to them.

I'll definitely try to work on that, I'm not sure it's a good practice to always end on that kind of a note (Unless warranted!)

Thanks for the feedback

~Shaiden

Edit:
Summary of edits to chapter 6:
- Shot down most references to quintessence after the first, replaced with essence
- Added the answer to one of the questions I'd missed by accident. Crane does feed the elementals essence, but part of their experiments is to expose them to new stimuli, thus, essence from outside the compound.
- Left several references to Soma in until the explanation of what it is is made, at which point it's referred to as 'body' or other equivalent word
- Nuclear reactor metaphor replace with a refilling glass of water metaphor
- Having a body makes it easier to remain stable added to initial explanation / definition of Soma. Removed jacket metaphor & replaced with with a much shorter re-reference to said earlier relevant point.

If you feel the need, take a gander and let me know what you think, if not, On with the next chapter!

Don't worry too much on the cliffhangers. There's little risk in using (or abusing) them.

Howdy folks!

I avoided a cliffhanger this time I did it! Yay!

My first action scene! Aeslin! Swords! Explosions(maybe not)!.

This one was a bit of a Doozey. This was actually the end of what would have been chapter 5 (see what I mean when I say I have problems pacing these things out?)

My apologies for the extra long chapter, it just kept going on and on @_@

Anyway, With the end of this, we've got the general setup and more star-trek'ian tech-tech talk. Hopefully the majority of that is now out of the way. Now we can move into some more of the meat of the story.

@Grimgrendel

Thanks for the advice I think it might be a bit like the Shaun --> Dan thing earlier, it might bug me more than anyone else. I just want to try to identify where I can improve and work towards it.



Let me know what you all think! I hope you enjoy it!

~Shaiden

Very engaging battle with Aeslin. I like her. The uncanniness of being just a mask, coupled with the blue and orange morality of a primal force that doesn't know death yet still tries to play along with a lower entity (aka Shane) and learns from these spats. Well done.

"Kid" Hey, Shane graduated from the Idiot

"Shit... Why did I phrase it as a deal?" Shane only used the word "deal" previously, without really framing his discussion as a deal. When he first talked to Aeslin, he didn't commit to anything openly. "I have to wear her for nine minutes" You might want to explained where this condition comes from (Oh! Looking back, now I understand that the 9 minutes came from the 9 points difference between Aeslin's 20 points and Shane's 11. In hindsight, Aeslin's discussion makes more sense, with 'Be...' meaning 'Let me be you for a while', and 'Mine...' being her being all possessive.)

When Shane is possessed by Aeslin and he feels the lines and bumps of the table, it led me to belive that Aeslin started influencing him some time ago even outside of outright possession since he compulsively touches the lines, sigils and bumps of his box to calm himself. It's like a two-way exchange, with Shane becoming a little more like Aeslin as time goes.

So many cats :3

So much foreshadowing over the Jabberwocky. At this point, I can only expect him to appear eventually.

Oh! The MILF comment came back xD

Jasper is a mountain! You keep breaking all expectations.

Howdy!

Still working on the next chapter. It hopefully shouldn't be split like the last one was, but I haven't had much time to do any writing. Hopefully I'll get some time on Thursday.


@GrimGrendel
Re: Battle scene
Glad to hear you enjoyed the battle-scene, it was a little intimidating, since it was a heck of a lot more action at one time, wasn't sure how much detail to go into so people knew what was going on without making it a slog. Also, I hadn't heard of Orange-blue morality, you got me to run to tvtropes for that one Don't know if I can keep to that one (Re: the rule in there about how 'most authors are human') but I'll try!

Re: Deal:
Yeah, I think that was part of a re-write that I didn't adjust to at a later date. I'm glad it came off understandable though ^_^. I took guilty pleasure in using one word to try to convey a concept. Both due to laziness, and because you could then have it retroactively mean something else. And yeah, he's a bit possessive, the question is if it's just her nature, or some other reason... hmmm. Sadly we

Re: Aeslin
Good eye Not confirming or denying anything, but it's definitely a good observation.

Re: Cats
KITTIES! I just liked how they were almost oppressive when in the upper household.

Re: Jabberwocky
You might! ... You might not... Hopefully what I have planned will work out

Re: MILF
Gotta admit, I half brought it back because of responses to the original joke. That, and the idea that Ms. Crane might be a *little* out of touch, it felt appropriately awkward for Shane, which is always fun.

Re: Jasper
:3 I enjoyed that little twist. There's a more to Jasper and a few details about him/it that are plot relevant. I originally came up with him both as an aspect of Ms. Crane's band, but he functions really well both as part of the world-building / themes behind the story, as well as serving as a neat little local bastion where the main characters might feel they're safe. Something which might be more valuable in the future <.< I freely admit, I giggled a bit with your original comment of him being a cat. I was looking forward to that reveal.


Any improvements / would like to sees you've seen, please let me know!

~Shaiden

MILF. Lol!

Wedding?? Aeslin's??? No... Ms. Crane's ... She got married? ... How did that come up? Oh... Talking about Lesbianism... I thought they were still talking about Aeslin... Topic switch needs to be shown better, or I'm a bit out of it?

I'm thinking Aeslin was jealous of Judy... But perhaps not?

Malady wrote: I'm thinking Aeslin was jealous of Judy... But perhaps not?

Shane likes Judy. Aeslin likes Judy (or likes Shane liking Judy). Maybe they can work out a deal?

Howdy folks!

Thanks for the replies I'm in the middle of writing the next chapter, but....

@Malady
*squee* Corrections!!!

I'm going to implement those right away, thank you very much for the help!

I freely admit that a lot of those came from "It's late, I just want to post this... let's use spell-checker and assume it's right, I'm sure it'll be fine..."

>_<

I definitely have trouble with the appropriate usage of ' 's and quotations (period before / after? etc). I appreciate your pointing it out, I'll try to stick to them a bit more in the future.

Re: MILF
Also yeah, the MILF thing found a second life XD I don't plan on using it again / much though.

Re: Wedding
Correct! Ms Crane's previous marriage(s?) were brought up due to Shane basically blurting out Judy's preferences in front of a relative stranger. I'd tried to separate the topics of Aeslin & that out a bit by having Crane leave the room so they could have that brief conversation before switching back, but I'll take a look again and see if there's anything more I could add in there.

Re: Aeslin v Judy
Hard to tell with that one, her actions are quite deliberately vague, and the potential for if she follows our rules of behavior or not are a bit out there so far. Hopefully we'll find out more later!


@Null0trooper

O_O That'd be an interesting conversation to listen to. "So, am I going out with the mask and you're literally a middleman?" XD



Thanks again for the feedback folks! I'm hoping to wrap up another chapter (potentially two?) this weekend. We've done the majority of the setting up, and now we get to go into things happening (almost!).

~Shaiden


Update:
Corrections made, and attributed. Thanks again!

Update 2:
Chapter 8 is written, just needs an editing pass. Chapter 9 has already started. But it's 4:00 AM, I'll get those up tomorrow

Update 3:
Chapter 8 posted! Chapter 9 already started. I hope you enjoy it!

Oh hey! The girls make a reappearance!

Here's Neil and mentions of Shane's other friends... We learn his philosophy on combat...

So, did we know that Shane had a brother until now? He's an Energizer or something, according to the comic shop discussion?

"local cat rides the bus every day" This piqued my curiosity. Is that one of Ms. Crane's cat?

Shane is freaked out by spiders? That's new. With all the weirdness going around in his life, it's a bit funny that he's affraid of cute little spiders. Unless there's a story behind it.

Michelle has absolutely no clue how a phobia works. The worst thing to do is to go up to someone and show them the source of their fear. She should have been exposed to this kind of reaction while working there, from parents disgusted by what animal/insect their child is facinated with. I'll pass the fact that she's clueless on her being relatively new to the job and still overly enthusiastic

Well, the jig is up as far as Michelle is concerned.

Oh, Michelle and Judy. That's probably how Michelle knows about Shane. (and lingerie shop awkwardness for the lol xD)

That's quite a lot of talk about the Vigilants, and that's coming back all the way from the first chapter. I'm really curious where this plotline is going

Neil. The apparition of that character, along with the really familiar comments like 'Oh, it's you' and 'Freakshow' is quite sudden. He has been refered to only once before, by Michelle in this chapter, with no hint that he would be a potential source of conflict. The only comment we get before entering what sounds like a tense exchange is his description and his name. The scene could use a little buildup just before they start talking, like Shane sharing his thoughts on why he and Neil don't get along, and then bracing for impact knowing what's coming.

"the driver’s face vaguely familiar, with a hint of red hair" Dan comes back! (Had to ctrl+f this one though to catch the reference)

I'm not sure I get why he threw up after this short exchange. Shane is bigger than Neil, he wasn't openly threatened, and it isn't the first time they've had that kind of exchange either. Considering that, puking seems a little extreme a reaction when he admits he was not utterly terrified. It's not like he's puking every time he talks to Neil, is it? We're missing a lot of context for this scene to have the impact you're trying to give it.

Here I say this, and you give context right after. Personally, I found the In/Out slightly distracting from some backstory/reminiscence. And while the scene gives some hints as to what happened with Neil, I didn't feel any emotionnal impact. Shane was simply telling the readers that things went wrong, passively. Maybe that's just me though.

"Out... Out... Out..." Shane has good lungs. Was that intended as an extra-long exhale?

"So what do you think of the newest member of the Vigilants?" Oh! Vigilant plotline, coming up! Can't wait xD

For a chapter that's almost exclusively Shane and Devi's, I'm loving Devi more and more. She's so cute in all her interactions and squeezes and her caring about Shane while being slightly quirky in her own way. With the Vigilante reveal, now I'm picturing Ben trying to get Shane to join the Vigilante, with Devi acting as Shane's "mutant power".

Howdy folks!

I'm about 6k into the next chapter, I'm a bit worried it's becoming a slog, hopefully it doesn't feel rushed!

With some luck, I'll have it out tonight.

@Malady
Re: The Girls
Re: The Girls
Would you be referring to Cindy & Michelle? Or Devi in that mix? I'm curious as to which drew your attention more.

Re: Neil
Neil may have come off a bit rough I'm afraid, he kind of jumped in and out of being included in the story, so hopefully it wasn't too jarring.

Re: Ben
Ben has been mentioned a few times, with references to him being family. And yeah, you're reading it right, he's Shane's brother. You'll see pretty quickly in the next chapter that it's highly likely that he's an energizer, though the comment in the comic shop may / may not have been relating to him specifically. He only got the job yesterday after all!

@GrimGrendel
I'm afraid I can neither confirm nor deny the ownership of Jasper's cats. ... To be 100% honest, I just wanted an amusing but pointless headline.

Re: Spiders
No real story behind it, I think courage isn't a binary. Just because you aren't scared of a rock monster, doesn't mean spiders can't be freaky.

Re: Michelle / pets
To be honest, I'm actually drawing this from personal experience. I had staff-member at a pet store pull out a corn snake to show a friend of mine how harmless it was. Granted, they didn't have deliberately stated pre-warning that they were horrified of snakes, but it was pretty implied. The person had been there for years too. I suspect that they just get enthusiastic, and assume others share their interests. Or at least are open to immediate confrontation in a controlled setting.

As for Michelle, I suspect that based on what she said to Shane, or specifically how she said it, that she may / may not know about Shane through Judy, but she certainly knew of him through Neil. It'll be interesting to see how that plays out.

Re: Vigilants
I've tried to keep them being mentioned every chapter or so, with a little more info about them each time. This one just happened to be a bit of an info-dump, with a few more potential false-flags put in there. Some of that might come in handy in the future

Re: The Driver
Hmmmm :3 But what's he doing there? Hobby or something else?

Re: Neil
Totally fair to call me on that. As I said to Malady above, Neil had jumped in and out of "to include in story directly" several times. I wanted to have a little more direct conflict just before the end of the chapter (and introduce a second element at the same time). Just wanted to get Shane in a rough mood, maybe fill out a little more of his past. The "Freakshow" comment was actually echoed by Judy in chapter 2, who I s uspect uses the name to try to de-sensitize Shane to it. Not sure how well that worked. Given that their mutual past was explained later, do you think that was reasonable, or should there still be more build-up? That links directly to--

Re: Dat breathing scene
Yeah, like with Neil's intro, I was trying to do something a bit different, Not entirely certain if it came out well. Mostly I wanted something to try to build a bit more emotional impact while not drowning the reader in huge blocks of text. I mainly broke it out, and added the spaces between them to make the story feel more jarring, sort of reflecting Shane's state of mind at the time. I suspect it may not have come out the way I expected.

Were you to have seen that scene written differently, what do you think would be more effective in getting the information across while still trying to preserve an emotional moment?

Re: Ben
The use of the word 'bro' was quite deliberate, Ben's a pretty casual guy

Re: Devi
Aww, that's good to hear! I was worried I might have been overdoing it, having her "interject" in so many scenes. glad it came off well


Thanks again for the feedback folks!

Please let me know if things feel a bit rushed. I have a long weekend this weekend, so I'm trying to knock out a few chapters, and I want to know if it feels like that's impacting the writing. Hopefully not, but if so, I'm more than willing to go back and clean things up.

Have a great day!

~Shaiden

The reappearance of Cindy was what drew my attention. I don't think we saw Michelle before this chapter.

Re: Neil
The Freakshow comments from Judy didn't come accross as de-sensitizing Shane to it. Up until now, I just though it was a rude yet friendly way to call Shane up on his wierd actions regarding spirits. I'm not sure what explanation of their past you are refering to, but I think it could be a bit clearer overall.

Re: Dat breathing scene
It kind of depends what part of the backstory you want to emphasize. If you want to show why Shane is angry specifically at Neil, then Shane could turn violent, expressing his hatred on any outlet available while he thinks back on how cruel Neil's been. If you want to focus on the guilt of Colin getting caught up in Shane's own fight, show that scene and find a way to express some self-loathing. If you wish to focus on how much Shane miss Colin, make him act nostalgic, opening GEO and staring at the screen as if by staring long enough Colin's name would become available in his friends' list. And there's more elements of the backstory that could use the attention, between Ben missing and Shane escaping on the train. It's a lot of points to address in such a short scene.

I would recommend you pick a few points of his backstory that you feel are the most relevant to this chapter, and them show us Shane expressing his different emotions as he goes through the memories. (Note that the above are only quick examples. Don't feel that you need to stick to any of them. You know better than I how to write Shane.)

Hmm, good points all 'round.

I'll do a round of edits, see if I can't clean things up. I'll likely try not to do too many retcons for previous chapters, if anything does come up, I'll list it here. I'll edit this post when the edit goes in / next chapter is posted.

Ironically, we have a Colin scene finally coming in shortly after the beginning of the next chapter I'll do a review on that too, see if that can be cleaned up to avoid anything that happened here.

Apologies for the meh-scene! I'll get it cleared up.


Thanks for the help!

~Shaiden

EDIT:
Forgot to add, I'll try to get the re-write in tonight. There might be a delay for the next chapter because of this, but I'll still try to get that out tonight / tomorrow.

Keep up the good work! :3

Thanks

I admit to panicking after realizing the scene was meh. I think I was just rushing to try to get to a certain point in the plot, so I can keep building off of it. Problem being that when I rush it (and sometimes when I don't) I seem to go for the fast-and-easy rather than trying to write well. I appreciate all the feedback!

Changelog:
- Michelle is now less confrontational about Neil, bringing up that 'something' happened in the past. She just doesn't want to get involved, but Neil sometimes stops by, so asks Shane to leave. Shane is now more worried about not stepping on her toes due to that potential relationship with Judy.

- Removing the "Freakshow" comment. You're right, it works better as a little jab by Judy at the beginning than some continuing thing.
- Did some minor build-up to Neil just before meeting him. I'd do more, but ret-conning him into the past chapters would get a little dirty. If it still doesn't come off alright, I'll consider tossing that in.
- The conversation with Neil starts a little more civil, less "hur dur, i'm a bully" and more of a "We have had disagreements, and rather hate each other, but history withstanding, we shouldn't start something.". It escalates somewhat and is interrupted by the car starting.
- Shane's now just feels like vomiting, and is a little more violent once Neil leaves the scene. Shane takes a moment to think on his scales, and that maybe the Jabberwocky had a point.
- Some minor re-wording of his conversation with Devi afterwards.

TLDR:
Lots of minor changes. If you're looking for the bulk of them, just peek at Neil's conversation onwards.


Oh! I missed a comment earlier.
@Malady
Re: The Girls
Ahh ok, I'd seen the (s) in your original statement, and thought you meant multiples, or a group, thus my confusion. yeah, I'm glad I kept Cindy in there too



EDIT OF CHAPTER 8 POSTED!
Working on Chapter 9 now. If you get the chance, let me know what you think of the changes on 8, just to make sure I didn't build a small tower of 'meh' I have to knock down before fixing it again.

Better! Neil hints at the fight with Colin, and both him and Shane feel like the other is at fault. It's a tense scene that manages to give tidbits of exposition. Nice.

Re: Panicking
I understand the feeling. The middle of a story is often where it becomes easy to stumble. The initial drive is gone, and you're looking ahead to specific scenes you know you'll enjoy writting, but the in-between can feel a bit sluggish. At this point it's more important to put words on paper and finish the story than to stress over weak scenes. You can always leave yourself a note to come back to it once the first draft's done.

Once you're done, do you plan to edit and proofread your story and post it as a WhatIf?

Howdy folks!

@GrimGrendel
SWEET! I was hoping it'd work out! There were a lot of cuts in there, but I definitely think it was all for the better, thanks for the advice.

Re: Panicking
Definitely! I have scenes I'd like to hit, but the transition of getting between them can be just as important, so when I find rare time to write, I think I try to get too much down. You'll notice that since the first chapter I've already cut down a lot on descriptive. I loved writing them out, but I was getting *nowhere*. I suspect that once I finish, I'll be re-reading the whole thing over, and using the the semi-finished product to trim down / expand on scenes to make it a bit easier to read.

Re: Length
Heh, I don't think I'm terribly good at pacing. We're approaching the half-way point in terms of events which occur, but I'm not certain how many chapters the second 'half' will take up. One of the major incidents still needs to occur, then we get to a lot of collecting plot points from the past.


Re: Whatif?
To be honest, I was up to chapter 5 or so before I realized / remembered that there was a big difference between WhatIf? and Fabrication lab. I remember Kristen kindly pointed out the steps I could take in my intro thread, I may have to go re-read it.

I'm afraid I haven't had the chance to read many WhatIf's. Do you think with an editing pass this story would meet the standards (so far of course, future content could make or break it)?

I'd take some time to read more, but as stated above, I have only a little time to write, which tends to eat up my reading time rather harshly I have a list of suggested stories to go through, but I haven't checked to see if they're on the WhatIf lists yet.


Anyway, off the serious stuff, I did some re-writes on the next chapter to try to fix the "rush" I'd been doing yesterday. It won't be posted tonight, as it's bloated a little bit, but it's sitting at around 6.5k words at just after the half-way point (maybe... see again about events vs length ). I hope to have it done tomorrow, and if I'm lucky, get some work done on the chapter after it (One of the ones I've been looking forward to!)

Thanks again for all the help folks! Whenever I take your feedback, I try to leave a thanks on a chapter by chapter basis in the editing notes. I hope you don't mind. If you do, let me know and I'd be happy to remove it.

~Shaiden

Re: WhatIf
Sure. From what I was told, so long as you take the writing seriously and give an effort to clean your story a bit to avoid the typos and gaps in logic, it meets WhatIf standards. I'll admit I was a bit intimidated when I was told that there are standards for it, but they aren't that strict, so no need to be affraid. And that way, your stories will be safe if the website crashes again.

The steps to create a WhatIf are the front page of the Authors tab .

If you want to get a better understanding of what is a WhatIf, you can check this thread , where Kristin and Pheonix Spiritus explain everything there is to know about the process.

There isn't a ton of stories in the If section yet. Less than 15. Chances are that your suggested reads are in the cannon section instead.

Howdy folks!

Well, I didn't get the three chapters I wanted to get done this weekend done, but It's an hour and a half into Tuesday, and I just posted chapter 9! Huzzah!

In this chapter, we see a little bit of Ben, We get some GEO combat and Colin time. We get a little mission for Ms. Crane with Judy, Some heart to heart, and Devi being awesome.


It bloated a bit =/

Hopefully you all enjoy it! A fair warning, there's some Shane angst in there, but hold on until the end, and you'll get some nice payoff.

Let me know what you think!

~Shaiden

This is mostly a response to the whole project you have here instead of merely to the latest chapter.

The beginning was a bit wandering, it took a bit to find the story's direction. The wandering did help the scenario development, however, so it wasn't unnecessary, could just be trimmed a little bit. I would have to do a second sweep of the earlier chapters to find the points I had this feeling in.

That pretty much sums up the negative constructive feedback. There were many positives to your style that I enjoyed. You did a good job developing the supporting characters through their interactions with Shane instead of doing too much of an info dump about their relationship. Shane has believable faults and sort of embodies the reader's want to experience the world of your narrative but being left on the sidelines. (Or at least he believes that).

Plus animals. Lots of cuddly animals. Not many people know how friendly snakes are.

Anyways I would go into more detail, but I'm typing on a tablet and it's almost 3am. Keep up the good work!

Is Colin at Whateley?? A no camera policy... Do they have that?

Yay! A heart to heart for Shane! Things are on the up and up!

Malady wrote: Is Colin at Whateley?? A no camera policy... Do they have that?

Whateley authors wrote: in Parents' Day ,

Chief Delarose gave Uncle Bob a large insincere smile. "Uncle Bob! How nice of you to come and visit us. I'll expect you to check that camera of yours at Security before you go. Anything that might endanger our students or campus will be carefully removed and you can have anything else back."

What goes around on campus, stays on campus?

^ Wowie Zowie!

The Dramatic Irony is amazing! And so sad for Shane! *cries*

I wonder how long the DI will last... How would he even find out that Colin's at Whateley?? ... Is Shane one of the few people in his group that doesn't know about Whateley?

Does Mrs. Crane know about Whateley??

... I'm wondering if Colin's a girl now... And then she hooks up with Shane???

Oh, long chapter this time. Twice the size of the other ones

"eight foot goliath" Whoa! Everyone's a giant in this family!

Haven't gotten around to the Whisper stories yet, but from the Fling ones I think I remember that a character is still active even when logged out. Nice catch on the NPC thing if that's the case. Time to show you did your research on GEO

Even in GEO, Shane is playing the bad guys. xD

Is Colin at Wateley? The hints of a special school?

I like that Judy's sight is creating slight tensions between her and Shane. A hint of jealousy, just to spice up their hike.

Goddess Devi is awesome! <3 Not that she solved the torn leyline, but with Shane still alive at least he and Judy can report to Ms. Crane and she can do something about all those elementals.

Tension between Shane and Judy increases! Loving the emotionnal scene where Shane admits his inferiority complex.

At the end, when Judy so easily gains everything Shane strived for for so many years, I can accept that on the moment he forced himself to be genuinely happy for her, but I also expect the jealousy and the bitterness to make things a lot harder on him from now on. You have your story planned out, so I'll wait patiently the eventual reveal, but I don't expect Shane's internal dilemma to be resolved from just being acknowledged and shared with Judy. If anything, his inferiority complex has every reason to get worse. I'm looking forward to see how he'll try to cope with this.

Malady wrote: ... I'm wondering if Colin's a girl now... And then she hooks up with Shane???

Tempting picture, but Judy met Colin after he left, and she kept in touch more frequently than Shane, and she still refers to Colin as 'he'. So possible (and juicy ;D), but unlikely.

Oh... Oh man... You folks are spoiling me... Did you know that working in a professional environment, I keep giddily squee-ing at random points throughout the day? Of course, that only led up to "Oh man, I really need to not screw this up" But I'mma riding that train while I can!

Hiyas!

My apologies for late / non-writing, back to standard work schedule, so I won't be able to get any writing done until Thursday (If I'm feeling up to it ) More likely, the next chapter will be Friday/Saturday, assuming no interruptions.

Replies time!!

@Shadeofred
Ohh! New poster! Hi!

Re: Constructive feedback
Thanks!! I totally agree that it was a bit plodding at the beginning. I think I was going for a bit of a 'slow burn', expecting there to be very little movement at the start, but may have gone totally overboard. One of the biggest parts of that are sections of the plot and elements that I cut due to feedback. This meant that there were overly long descriptive or 'hanging' moments that would have been references, or repeated later on, but now won't. The core of the story remains the same, but an example might be picking up / losing a catchphrase, or side character. Hopefully nothing good was lost.

I would *love* that feedback from earlier chapters, but please don't inconvenience yourself on my account. I'd hate for you to expend the effort only to have the story nosedive later on. When I wrap things up (Or if you just feel like it) I'd love to hear that feedback. As GrimGrendel said, I could go with a good editing / pruning if I'm thinking of submitting as a WhatIf!

Re: Character and Narrative
Thanks again!! I have to admit, it's been a little rough. I have no writing experience, so instead just sort of try to crib lessons or style choices from folks I enjoy reading. A lot of it comes from the fact that I have a tendency to write the way that I talk, thus the little pauses and comments from Shane between conversation and descriptive paragraphs. I'm hoping it hits sort of a line of "This feels more like a real person's story, because real people don't have a 100% throughline on their thoughts. There's hesitation, doubt and concerns, and it can't always be expressed with a vocalization. I think that's why I wanted to go with a first person perspective. (Secondary choice would have been third person, though i couldn't decide between limited & omniscient)...... Can you tell I read a lot? =/

Re: Sneks
Snakes are chubby wubby huggy adorable! They hug you 'cause you're warm, and they have little boopable snouts. I've sadly never owned one, but a couple of friends of mine had them growing up, so I've always had a soft spot for them. I did grow up with cats, thus their seemingly random appearances in places they shouldn't be & the bundles of fluff.

I do worry that I over-do Devi being cute / nice, but I try to take it as 'this is the character's method of having written dialogue'. Hopefully it comes off as that, and not pandering!

Thanks for all the feedback, I appreciate it, if there's anything you'd like to see improved / things you're interested in expansion, feel free to drop a post and I'll definitely consider it. I've made a *ton* of changes based off of GrimGrendel, Malady & null0trooper's feedback, and I definitely think it's made the story a whole lot better. (Even if I don't mention explicitly what I changed in the future) <.<


@Malady:
Re: Corrections
MORE CORRECTIONS!! ^_^

I'm afraid I'm a bit wiped out right now, But I'll do my darnedest to get those corrections in tomorrow afternoon / evening. Thanks for all the catches!

Re: Colin

Maaaaaaybe. I'd definitely been hinting at something unique about Colin's disappearance haven't I? We'll have to wait and get complete confirmation, though that might be a few chapters down the line.

In regards to Colin being a girl? In regards to that twist----

Thanks for your comment on the dramatic irony! I... will freely admit that that wasn't entirely the wording I'd used when originally writing up the draft, but that's mostly because I don't word good. Those kinds of decisions were more based around practicality, and to try to echo themes.

@Null0trooper
Re: Cameras
<.<


@GrimGrendel
Re: Chapter Length
Yeah, this was a repeat of an earlier chapter, where I was reaching a breaking point of splitting it into two, but all those elements worked so well together that I didn't want to. The original plan was to have the whole Ben dinner happen at the end of the previous chapter, and end. Then I remembered some comments earlier about Colin not really having a showing, and figured that maybe Shane would want to try to find a way to unwind, thus the GEO section was born, and bloated up a bit.

Re: GEO
Indeed! I only read a little ways into Whisper before I had to put it down (I'll have to get back there at some point), but the idea of having your characters effectively automated while you're gone was interesting. Kind of a mix of MMO and survival games like Ark. The fact that you can have it running in the background leads to some interesting mechanical ideas. We see this kind of game design already implemented, but in the form of timers, letting the user feel like they're doing work, when really all they're doing is waiting. It incentives the user returning to such a game which (in most cases) would be on a subscription basis or operate on a "booster" micro-transaction system. Otherwise it wouldn't be financially viable in the long term.

Yes, I work in gaming, how did you tell?

A lot of what I put in there was supposition, and maintaining the first-person perspective if only because I *really* didn't want to have to keep typing "Shane made Shane's character look to the right" etc etc, it was maddening!

In terms of Shane playing the bad-guy, it was mentioned in a previous chapter that Colin had basically introduced Shane to the game, and convinced him to play on the evil side. It is interesting that Shane has continued to, and indeed seems to thrive, despite his misgivings. Even if he is a 'shitty player'

Re: Family Height
Just for clarification, in case I'm making it seem a little surreal, Shane & Ben were tall, from their father's side, the mother short. Ben is *that* tall due to possessing an exemplar rating with a BIT that had him grow that much more. Thus Shane's awkwardness. It'd be like this weird 'invasion of the body snatchers' where someone you know and love is just UTTERLY different than you can see them in your minds eye. Ben's distance hasn't helped that fact.

Re: Tension, Judy, and Shane's Arc
There is tension, there will continue to be tension. Judy is a great person, but hints here and there show that she definitely isn't always the "perfect" person Shane believes her to be. Mistakes can be made, even if in innocence, you can see that in her continually bringing up hurtful subjects without thinking about it. Colin talks up Judy because she is a good soul. It doesn't mean just talking can fix everything.

Spoiler below, nothing explicit, but my sort of feeling on that section of the chapter, and a hint of things to come.


I have to admit, I was getting a little bleary-eyed when writing that ending scene. A little sad, ain't it? I really hope other people do that when writing sappy scenes like that, or I'll start to get worried. That might be why it stretched a little.

Re: Devi
Good name for that kind of form. Devi was kind of a big deal in her original hallow, and interacted with humans quite constantly. How she ended up in the wrappings is an entirely other story that may be hinted or revealed later. What we got to see there was effectively Devi 'cutting loose'. She's a very powerful being in her element, but simultaneously anchored to this world, and limited by her wrappings. She's got a huge battery, just no charger effectively. I suspect the essence-rip may have been responsible for that level of escalation on her part.

Also, giant good guy water serpents are cool. I loved adding in the happy little snake frolicking in the end of that scene, such a nice dichotomy. :3

In regards to the fight, I have to admit, I was trying to play that scene out like an action movie, while (as was mentioned by shadeofred above) keeping Shane participating, while still feeling like he's on the sidelines. He sure did some good stuff, but being the trigger of the attack, and being saved by both Devi and Judy may have shaken him a bit more than he's showing.



Thanks for reading everyone!! As I said at the beginning, I may be incommunicado till Thursday or Friday. I'll try to respond to anything I can, but my window is a bit limited. I'll definitely still be reading though, so if you have any feedback, questions, or suggestions on what sorts of things you like to see, let me know!

As always, I hope you enjoy the next chapter.

~Shaiden

Shaiden wrote: @Malady:

Re: Colin

Maaaaaaybe. I'd definitely been hinting at something unique about Colin's disappearance haven't I? We'll have to wait and get complete confirmation, though that might be a few chapters down the line.

In regards to Colin being a girl? In regards to that twist----

Warning: Spoiler! [ Click to expand ] [ Click to hide ]

I hadn't really been planning on it. Not everyone ends up in Poe when they attend. My apologies if that comes as a dissapointment. That can still change, based on feedback and how the story goes of course, but that's where I'm sitting at the moment.

Well, I just thought that 'cause it's a common trope that people introduced from Whateley students' pasts appear in their lives at Whateley... Likely started with DrunkFu's Abyss stories? Or is just easier to use characters that appeared before.

And as sex-switches are common, you put those tropes together and you get boy-friend goes to Whateley 'cause they became a girl-friend, and might become a girlfriend.

Malady wrote:
Well, I just thought that 'cause it's a common trope that people introduced from Whateley students' pasts appear in their lives at Whateley... Likely started with DrunkFu's Abyss stories? Or is just easier to use characters that appeared before.

And as sex-switches are common, you put those tropes together and you get boy-friend goes to Whateley 'cause they became a girl-friend, and might become a girlfriend.

Oh, I totally get ya! When I read your comment, I had to stop and re-think if that might be a good way to go. It's just that it didn't fit into what I'd had planned / locked down. Perfectly reasonable guess to make

You'll definitely see some elements, and I'm not giving up on some of the tropes of Whateley, I just wasn't going to use that particular one, or order of events, and just meant to say "My apologies!!" if you were hoping for it.

As a side note, thanks again for the corrections you posted. I'll be committing them tonight before sleep time.

~Shaiden


UPDATE:
Howdy folks!

I made a minor correction to chapter 9. I'd mixed up Cindy & Nancy's names. Cindy is the pub owner, Nancy works in the lingerie shop. My apologies if this cause confusion. I must have tried to remember the name, came up with the fact that it ended with a 'y' (That seems to be happening a lot doesn't it? ... huh). I've fixed up the edits. It's likely that nobody noticed, but just in case it matters there it is.

Chapter 10 has been posted! This was another chapter split, where In terms of events, it had been planned to be part of the next chapter as well, but in practicality, it bloated. As such, part of what I was looking forward to is here, and part is in the next one. I haven't started it yet, but really hope to get it done on Sunday or Monday. This one had the potential title of 'Shane's terrible horrible no good very bad day'. I kind of feel bad for the guy at this point, but we still have the next chapter to go

Let me know what you think! I hope you enjoy the latest chapter.

~Shaiden

Well, that latest chapter was the longest for this...

A lot of info on the Ben / Shane dynamic, and Shane gets beat in the self-esteem and stuff.

If that was planned by Ben, he is evil. But, "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity".

But, if someone is that stupid, is that somewhat worse?

New delivery for Ms. Crane? Unplanned is bad, very very bad... Confirm before going!

I'm wondering if anyone on the Vindicators knows more about Mrs. Crane, like as an ex-wife or something...

Maybe stick a link back here in your sig, 'cause I had to go to the Recent Topics to find this thread to respond... Or just update this thread with a "New Chapter Bump" or something.

Colin spent 5 years in that school? And still an outsider? Is that a red herring that's supposed to make us believe he's not at Whateley? Yet, the hints point at Whateley. I'm torn.

"Dear Kidiot" So fitting, at least for that short evening of doubt before Ms. Crane learns what happened and demotes Shane to flat-out Idiot

"We probably shouldn't put her name on any easily archiveable place on the web" Too late for that. Once on the web, forever on the web, if someone is willing to look deep enough. At the very least, Shane would have to delete his entire mail account for that one message to not be traceable in the trash bin, nor the archives. Although it remains cute for him to worry about security and feeling better after taking inconsequential security measures. It's the intent that counts

"Dots, Lines, Sigils, and Shapes" Will we ever get an answer to this mystery? I'm expecting somewhere around the very last chapter.

Devi is so cute! <3

"but it had taken a year for me to meet up with Aeslin." Tempting fate! Judy will fight Aeslin, or otherwise interact with Aeslin in some way that will make Shane deeply jealous.

"Oddly enough, there was a car stopped off the side of the road" Spotted Dan! Wouldn't Shane recognise the car that interrupted his fight with Neil? Probably not, since it was at night and against the headlights.

"Well, I don't really want to miss a chance to chat with him, I don't get to very much you know" Amusingly hypocrite considering the person he's talking to right now. I'm guessing Shane hasn't been more in touch with Ben than with Colin

Ben is such a dick! And he keeps getting worse!!! D:

"I mean, I really like what he does, and his armor, and the things he does" Deparment of redundancy department adds more awkwardness to the dialog and Shane's desperate answer xD Fitting

Called it for Judy! Ok, admittingly it wasn't Aeslin, but Judy is learning the stuff that Shane could only dream of learning. Oh, the jealousy. It's amazing that this is the changeling fantasy as perceived from an outsider's point of view. Compare it to Harry Potter, where Harry stumbles into a world of wizardry and magic full of marvels. Except Harry Potter's books never touched the point of view of the jealous friends. It's highly refreshing.

Howdy folks!

Hopefully you enjoyed Chapter 10! Chapter 11 is in the pipe. I have 3/4 of it written, but I'm edging towards tired so I think I'll call it there for the night. With luck I should be able to finish / smooth it out tomorrow evening.

Response time!

@Malady
Re: Length
Yeah, it bloated a little more than I'd meant it to. Hopefully that doesn't happen again, though I can't give any promises.

Re: Ben
There's more on Ben in Chapter 11, I'll leave you to decide how you feel about his actions

Re: Delivery
<_< >_> That may be in the next chapter too. I agree with you though. Unexpected means unknown.

Re: Vindicators
Oh my god. Vindicators is a WAY cooler name for a super hero team. *Beats head on wall* Why didn't I think of it!? Good on ya, I'm half-tempted to change that if I get around to posting this as a what if... Maybe, not sure, I'll have to think on it some more.

Re: Link
Done!! To be honest, the main reason I didn't do that before, is because I didn't want to seem presumptuous. The whole "first writing project" got me assuming that nobody would want to read it, and all that >.> Thanks for the tip!

As for doing a new chapter bump, I'm... a little uncomfortable doing that. I think it comes from when I was younger, and went on forums more often. They were quite strict about double-posting, and I think some of that is still around. If you think it would help, I'll definitely consider doing it for next time if I have the last post


@GrimGrendel
Re: Colin
>.> You may have a message in your inbox about that, just so I can clear up my own confusion

Re: Kidiot
Happy accident! It was a typo that I liked so much I left it in.

Re: Name
Shane's techno-savvy, but not *that* much. I think it was mostly a reaction to "Oh crap, other people are saying her name who KNOW things. What should I do!?"

Re: Box bumps
>.> There may or may not be a reason.

Re: Devi
She is!

Re: Aeslin
Oh man, I don't know if Shane would be sad or terrified that Judy was dealing with Aeslin. Aeslin was his special project after all! Not to mention dangerous to boot.

Re: Red headed stranger
It certainly seems to be happening a lot...

Re: Colin
Yup I suspect it might have been a bit on both sides. You notice Shane never mentions Ben sending correspondence either.

Re: Ben
I know right!? <.< See next chapter. Won't be redeeming, but more context.

Re: Redundancy
To be honest, I hated writing like that. I basically forced myself to play-act the scene to figure out how he might talk. One of the roughest parts I have with writing this is remembering that dialogue between characters doesn't have to follow 'conventional' writing rules. It just doesn't sound natural if you write it too close to spec. Don't know if I'm doing well with that or not, but either way, having that repetition killed me whenever it was up on the screen. XD

Re: Outsider's point of view
I was definitely going for that effect, though I'm worried that as the story goes on, I might lose some of it (with scenarios getting more complicated). Hopefully it'll keep up! Feel free to jab me if it looks like I'm falling off-base of it in an unnatural way.


That's all folks!

As stated above, I'll be trying to get chapter 11 out tomorrow evening, but it'll depend on how much re-writing I have to do (When I write while tired, I tend to have to do a LOT of rewrites). It's going to be fairly big (hopefully not as big as 10) but I hope you enjoy it! I'm liking the ending so far...

~Shaiden

Shaiden wrote: Vindicators is a WAY cooler name for a super hero team.

That's why this is a work in progress. Leave yourself a note, and change it once you move to WhatIf. Nothing wrong with that

The whole "first writing project" got me assuming that nobody would want to read it, and all that

Know the feeling u_u

I don't think a bump is necessary in the discussion thread. I do it in the WhatIf because it's not as noticeable that a new story is up, but in the FabLab, checking the Recent Topics is usually enough indication. And now the sig. You should be good.

GrimGrendel wrote:

Shaiden wrote: Vindicators is a WAY cooler name for a super hero team.

That's why this is a work in progress. Leave yourself a note, and change it once you move to WhatIf. Nothing wrong with that

... Oh! ... It's actually the Valiants... I guess I got confused with the Whateley Team, and some others that I've seen...

Gotta make sure you're not taking some copyrighted name...

If you're a Vindicator, what are you Vindicating? Or are you vindictive?

Perhaps go from Carolers to Crusaders? Although, given the California and Chicago ones, it needs to be licensed or something... ... What city are we in again? Can we go for something alliterative?

GrimGrendel wrote:

The whole "first writing project" got me assuming that nobody would want to read it, and all that

Know the feeling u_u

I don't think a bump is necessary in the discussion thread. I do it in the WhatIf because it's not as noticeable that a new story is up, but in the FabLab, checking the Recent Topics is usually enough indication. And now the sig. You should be good.

Yeah, it's good now.

Malady wrote:

GrimGrendel wrote:

Shaiden wrote: Vindicators is a WAY cooler name for a super hero team.

That's why this is a work in progress. Leave yourself a note, and change it once you move to WhatIf. Nothing wrong with that

... Oh! ... It's actually the Valiants... I guess I got confused with the Whateley Team, and some others that I've seen...

Gotta make sure you're not taking some copyrighted name...

If you're a Vindicator, what are you Vindicating? Or are you vindictive?

That question came up in-universe for Vindicator (Heather Hudson, of Marvel's Alpha Flight). It would be nice for someone to put the current training team out of Lemure's misery.

As to Colin being gone five years after manifesting, and currently at Whateley: he could have started in the junior high school program, or had a bad year gutting it out at a regular school, or he didn't have the credits to graduate yet (missed classes, failed classes, etc.), or it took some work for his parents to come up with the money or backing to send him to Whateley.

Howdy folks!

Chapter 11 is!... not posted Sorry

I stayed up late to try to finish it, but there's just no dice. This is a pretty important chapter with a lot happening in it. I'd split it up, but then different tones would be unbalanced between the two. It's sadly bloated a LOT, like, a lot a lot. Hopefully I can prune it or something. There's just a lot I wanted to get into it.

I've got like 95% of the writing done, and done a sweep through around 50%. So assuming I don't pass out the moment I get home tomorrow, I *SHOULD* have it posted tomorrow night. My apologies for the delay.

A glimpse, if you care to see it. In apologies for reneging on my earlier statements I hope you like it, as context less as it is..

Chapter name: Reflections




I do apologize for not responding to everyone's comments, I promise I'll do that later, right now I'm wiped and need to get to sleep.

Also, on a side note in case I forget

@Malady
Your pointing out the name made realize that I'd been using two names for the team! I'll get that fixed soon.


Thanks everyone, let me know what you think.

~Shaiden

Even though I appreciate the enthusiasm you put in writing your story, please don't feel bad for not posting a chapter every day. We are patient. Your chapters are getting longer, meaning that you'll simply not have the time to hit closure at the end of every single day. The pace you've been writing is astonishing! Don't be so hard on yourself. Instead of feeling let down because you didn't reach a given release, congratulate yourself on the amount of work you did. I for one do not expect another 8k words every day, or heck every second or third day, and yet third day is what you deliver (on average over the last month. 75k, do you realize?! xD). You set your own expectations really high, and I'm not sure whether you realize you're your own worst critic. If a delay occurs, but the readers weren't aware there was a strict deadline imposed in the first place, then it's no delay at all

Take it easy. You are doing great. Just make sure it doesn't come at the cost of your health.

Howdy folks!

Chapter 11 is posted! I warn you, there will be ERRORS.

I got sloppy at the end of editing, and just kind of wanted to get this posted. Main reason was A) I'd said I'd have it out yesterday, and with this posted, now I can work on nailing down the next few chapters! I have a good idea where it's going, but want to figure out more tent-post moments. So likely no new chapters till Friday / Saturday, maybe Sunday.

11 has some fun stuff. reading it over, I very really could have split it up quite a bit. I might just do that in a finished product, but for right now, It's just an extra long chapter with an ending I was looking forward to writing. Apologies if the end is a bit hard to read (mechanically), I was going for the 'dazed and confused' angle. Hopefully it holds up!



Response time! Yay!

@Grimgrendel

Re: Enthusiasm
Aw, thanks I really do appreciate your kind words. I just get a little antsy about promises, and like to hold them up, even if it's just to myself. In this case, it was mostly because I was jazzed about FINALLY reaching this part of the story, and I wanted it out of my system so I could figure out in much finer detail what happens next.

It doesn't help that I'm British and Canadian both, and thus self-detrimental humor and apologising for silly things are in my blood! I'm not sure what my other heritages might've brought... hrm.. <.<

But really though, thank you kindly for your words. I think I'm just excited that people seem interested in something I'm making. That doesn't happen often in my line of work (Or rather the specifics of it), so I get really pumped up every time I see a response, even if it's nothing but corrections or debates about the chapter!

I'll definitely take it to heart though. i may slow down just a little bit. Though if I'm stuck not being able to sleep, you might be able to guess what I'm doing (Bit of a night owl)

Re: Bumps
Alright, sounds good, I'll stick with the current format i'm using now.

Re: Fix list
Yep, started one already @_@ 'Milk run' is already on there XD

@Malady
Re: Valiants
I'll definitely have to think this one through. Any input you have would be fantastic! I know I made a horrible joke in the first chapter about "being vigilant' and it almost feels too dumb not to leave in XD

Re: Carolers
That name was intended to be dumb, and slightly sneaky hinting at something. I think I may just keep that one XD

@Null0trooper
Re: Colin
<_< >_> Not much I can say there


Anyway, Thanks everyone for reading. As above, please expect errors, or places that need more smoothing out. Feel free to call me on it, and I'd be happy to go through and fix stuff up.

Hope you enjoy!

~Shaiden

Team names... Well, they don't have to be from the group, SPECTRUM got theirs from the media.

Still haven't read the new chapter yet...



Hmm... The Alice / Carol references could be hints at more members? Which ones though?

The Carolers sound like a Siren team...

This post is getting really long...

Long chapter. Just like Malady, I do have too many things to say, so spoiling it for length

Howdy folks!

So I was heading home, just sitting on the bus when I decided to check the thread. Oh, it turns out Malady posted a response? Neat!

o.o

Oh no... I wrote 'Lemaire' on the plaque... that shouldn't be there... I was just tired, and saying the word "Lemaire" in the same tone as Biff from back to the future, or the two dumbasses from the beginning of Highlander 2. <.< Well, at least he didn't call me out on it, it was just nearby something else.

*Gets home, turns on computer, see's GrimGrendel commenting on it*

And so I raised my fists to the heavens, screaming in my impotent fury.

: /

So yeah, that was a typo, thanks to you two for pointing it out.

RESPONSES!
@Malady


@GrimGrendel


Thanks for reading folks! Feel free to leave any feedback. I left a big hint as to Shane somewhere in there, I hope you found it.

I'll likely be late with the next chapter, but I'm hoping to get one out sometime this weekend. Laters!

~Shaiden

Well, you don't have to commit to a strict schedule. But, plans are good. You just don't have to stick to them so tightly.

I just guessed VORPAL as a Caroll word that would make a good team name, I sure don't have all the names of the team memorized, so if Vorpal came up before, I don't remember it.

I meant VIGIL as a team name, not 'the' vigil, or something Greco-Latiny like VIGILUS, to go with the Classical Name idea like AEGIS does.

Re summary: That's more or less what I gathered. So I guess the ending scene was not intended to part with much information.

Howdy folks!

Edits finally made to chapter 11:

- Corrections from Malady implemented, Thanks!!
- Added additional note that Ben stayed in the room with Shane while his Mom left to answer the door.
- Removed silly bird joke. I reserve the right to pull it out again later! :3
- Clarified Michelle thanking Shane for giving her and Judy time (I.E. telling Judy he'd be fine if she goes on the date)
- Plaque corrected.
- Some additional punctuation added to the end of the chapter, if only for ease of reading (no reason to make it doubly painful!)

If you see anything else, feel free to let me know!

I may have to renege on the chapter this weekend, a whole bunch of IRL stuff popped up, so I'll likely be busy. on the plus side, it gives me a good excuse to chart out the next few chapters (This chapter was a bit of a crescendo moment, so we'll be seeing some tone shifts).

I want to take some extra time to make sure it'll go the way I'm wanting it to. If any of you had any predictions on where it might go, what are they? I'd be curious to hear


Thanks again for reading! I'll hopefully get back to the next chapter again soon.

~Shaiden

Can't say for sure what will happen next. You left us with much more questions than answers.

I'm guessing that Dan will be seriously involved, and he might have something to do with the unexpected Shade delivery. He knows more than he let on during his first meeting with Shane. I also expect Shade to make another apparition or two, since he's been too manipulative to not be a Big Bad in some way. Judy will stick with Shane and help him recover from whatever hit him, and either the tension and jealousy between the two will vanish now that he can see glimpses of her world, or it'll explode in everyone's face dramatically (don't know how, just a feeling it will). I foresee the secret being revealed to Shane's family and some drama there, with Ben overreacting or maybe knowing something related to Ms. Crane (she did have some interactions with the Vigilants in her past, right?).

If everything goes to hell, Ms. Crane might leave her cave, be a badass and take action. And Shane will be changed. Either from the wound, or from the sight, or emotionally, but once he recover he won't be the same. Maybe he'll grow as a person, or maybe there'll be some supernatural elements that'll stick to his skin (Devi!). Who knows.

It's really interesting. Unfortunately I don't think I have much constructive feedback to give, mainly two things :
- I was not that hooked on the spirit lore that you have introduced during the first half of the story. I think it's maybe because I was trying to see whether or not it fit the canon WU, then I stopped caring about this aspect (mainly because it was not fair of me, this is a WhatIf, this is your story.) and I was ok with it. The fact that it was a lot of exposition in a short amount of time might have also played a role but it had to be introduced to Judy (and thus the reader) so ... yeah, sorry it's not really useful.
- The last 3 chapters are particularly amazing, but I am biased. I am a monster and I feed on the MC's despair usually. So it was right up my alley.

And something I am wondering : could someone try to capture all those spirits to create a new Force ?

Anyway, thank you for writing this story. I hope you are having fun while doing so (and I will try to be a little more constructive in my feedback going forward)

I've found this series to be fascinating, but i wanted to see how it developed before adding in my tuppence.

Yes. I find it to be good.

It may approach magic from a different POV, but that's consistent with magic in the WU so far.

Compare the approach that is used by Charlie Lodgeman, the approach used by Devil-Master, the approach used by Circe, the approach used by "The Green Witch", and the approach used by Fey.(Apart from them being created by different authors, with their own use of Narrativium.) Each of them come from different cultures, that have different ways of perceiving the universe. Hence the different "Schools" of magic that they use.

The way that Ms.Crane approaches the interaction with the Elementals would fit in with this. She's just from a different "School". It's whether it is internally consistent enough to be a coherent pattern without it collapsing under it's own internal contradictions.

The actions, and the perceptions, that Shane has shown, are consistent with someone who has un-diagnosed, sub-clinical depression.

(Yes, it could be consistent with normal teenage angst, if it was in smaller doses, but with the strength of the symptoms that Shane is showing, ie. the passive-ness towards life and the events that happen to him, the willingness to tolerate damage to self, the hiding in bed, when he realised that his brother was screwing around with him, the constant seeking for balance that he exhibits, the guilt that Shane feels about the way he treated Neil, as well as the "Bullied-becoming-the-bully" theme and the subsequent guilt about his actions, not to mention the general fucked-up-ness with a teenager having to work as a contractor for the Syndicate.

These would all point towards a normal set of reactions to abnormal circumstances, if they were in smaller doses, but in the larger amounts that Shane is exhibiting, it would point towards a larger long-term problem.)

This may be why Ms.Crane hasn't yet broached Shane's awakening into the magical world. Yes, she did say it was possible, but she didn't refuse outright. Shane reported that Ms.Crane said that it wouldn't be worth doing, but that could just be how he was interpreting it via the lens of his depression.

Ms.Crane could just have been waiting for him to seek it out, which is one traditional approach to magical apprenticeship.

However we only know what we've been told by Shane, and IF Shane is suffering from depression, then that would colour everything that he perceives.

Shaiden: If that is what you were aiming for, then it's a nice technique, that you are using effectively.

I'm looking forward to how you develop this tale.

EeeEeEeEeEeee! Responses :3

Howdy folks!

Thanks for all the posts!

I'll admit, I didn't expect too much when I went and dropped a not-chapter this weekend. I'm flattered you all chose to respond.

I'm still working out what to do for the next chapter. Effectively I have the end point mapped out, and a few 'tent-post' moments I want to reach, it just comes down to figuring out the correct way to approach them without being rushed or plodding on for too long. My apologies for the delay, but I'll do my best to get another chapter to you all soon.

Response time!

@GrimGrendel
Re: Questions & Answers
There's only a few questions that'll come up, but you're likely to start getting answers much more frequently than the first part of the story. Hopefully you enjoy them!

Re: Predictions:
You actually have a few of the points I want to hit scattered about the post, and a few that are uncomfortably close to what I have set in stone

The context may be different, but you've definitely got a good eye for stories / how I've been writing. Kudos! And thanks for the post It's super flattering that you'd take the time to ponder and make those predictions



@Esar

Greetings! Glad to have you on-board! It's always thrilling to see a new poster.

Re: Constructive feedback
Reading through your post, you actually provided more than you probably think Things like the position on the spirit lore, or the condensed exposition near the beginning. I totally agree, there was a Loooooot of magical techno-babble, especially when meeting up with Ms. Crane. Sad to say that some of it wasn't terribly relevant to the story, I just liked writing those scenes, and wanted to leave in some potential hooks for if I wanted to continue with the characters after this story.

Re: Feeding on the MC's despair
I get in those moods too I'll admit, I usually prefer it to end happily, or at the very least bittersweet, if only so that you can come out of the reading experience feeling like you didn't just watch someone get kicked around for however long the story is without any kind of pay-off. If that's your gig, then you'll probably like the next few chapters. Though if you don't, I'd love to hear what sorts of differences you see from what you'd expected / would have liked!

Re: Spirit capture / Whateley Cannon
<.< Soooooo, to be honest, I only got into Whateley like, a week or two before I started writing this. I've only really read the works of Morpheus, a bit of Whisper, and I've started trying to read and back-track some of the newer stories that are posted on the main page. There's been a few here or there that I've tried to pick up based on feedback, both from my introduction thread, and from this thread.

It was *totally* my intention to match Whateley cannon as much as possible, but I was in a bit of a conundrum. I had time to read, or time to write, not really time for both. Since creativity can sometimes be something of a passing ship, I figured I'd hop aboard and do what I could before it sailed by. As such, I highly suspect that there's a fair amount of cannon that I may be breaking (or at the very least, bending a little. Most of that kind of knowledge I've been pulling from the Whateley wiki, and using some creative interpretation.

For example:
The definition of reliquaries for example are fairly decently documented on the wiki. Combine that with the glyph based magics from "Written in blood" and some small exposure to Eldrich in a few stories, and the idea of the collectors formed. The fact that the laws of magic specifically do not disallow such things, but rather makes them slightly more difficult to produce (the more something's done, the easier it is to do again) and the concept that Ms. Crane may have been perfecting this for a long time (assuming she didn't inherit it) and the idea of the equivalent of tiny essence-batteries that collect energy passively, and release it slowly came about.

Same thing with mindless vs mindful elementals. We know they're effectively magic 'knots' from the being-classification tables, so the idea that simplistic knots might just be these dumb reactionary forces, versus more complicated (or very specific knots) which might constitute an intelligence.

Er... I might have rambled off there, apologies if it sounded like trying to be justification. I just have a tendency to type the same way that I talk, so rambling comes naturally...

ANYWAY!

I did a fair amount of research (that sadly didn't amount to a lot of reading actual stories, just wiki-surfing & the occasional jumping into the middle of a story for a sample or explanation). If there's any particular cannon rules or ideas that I may have broken that you noticed, I'd love to hear them! Not only might I be able to fix stuff in the past (not too big of course, I don't want to go re-writing the whole story ) as well as do better in future chapters. But yeah, if it's super egregious, I'd totally just go with the "WhatIf" explanation and continue on. I'm a little lazy like that

Also... I'm afraid I don't know Force.... sorry Could you toss me a reference on that character? (I'm assuming it's a character?)

Re: Having fun writing
You bet!
I may have mentioned it earlier in the thread, but my job can be somewhat lacking in creativity, so on a lark I decided to try this out, and it feels super gratifying. I'll admit there are rough patches, but I think that makes it all the more worthwhile when I hear people are enjoying it. ^_^


Thanks for the feedback, and don't worry, it was plenty constructive.


@Mister D
ANOTHER NEW READER! *Calmly places a party hat on head* Welcome

Re: First feedback
Aww thanks for posting! I really appreciate it.

I freely admit that when I first started posting chapters, that I'd kind of expected that nobody would bother reading it, and it would just be a super rough "try this for the first time, and see if you like it" experience. GrimGrendel, Null0trooper & Malady posting about it (even corrections... especially corrections!) got me so jazzed that I'd get excited waiting to write the next chapter all week. It's super nice of you to post feedback. I know the feeling about wanting to wait for a story to develop before posting. I do it all the time That just makes the feedback I do get all the more awesome!

Re: Different PoV on Magic
You nailed it in one! As I mentioned to Esar above, I have a little spare time to write, or read, but generally not both (save on weekends). As such, I went off of (probably) not enough reading of source material, and relying on wikis and excerpts to flesh things out a bit. It especially helped that of the stories I'd read, one of them was a fairly magic based character, and the rules of magic stated on the wiki left the idea of "magic works the way you expect it to work, within limitations gave me a super flexible method by which to take concepts that already existed, and give them a little mix with other ideas, HOPEFULLY to make something new and interesting

And yeah, Ms. Crane is definitely from a different school. The interesting thing is that her original teacher basically didn't teach her anything regarding elementals at all, a lot of it was learn-as-you-go, adapting previous teachings (which we'll hear more about later) and eventually communion with elementals themselves. It gave her a rather odd look at the world, and some incorrect views as well (More on that in future chapters!)

Re: Depression
*Taps nose conspiratorially*
You may have noticed that I don't like just blurting things like that out unless I have to. It's what made a lot of those "techno-babble" chapters kind of fun but painful. IF I can think of how to organically put it in there, I'd rather the characters actions let the reader define them, rather than saying it directly. In my favorite stories, those're the kinds of characters I find I enjoy the most. Hopefully I'm at least doing them a 'little' justice. It'd be terrible to think I did badly trying the follow the example of the greats.

You are however correct. The fucked up situations that Shane keeps finding himself in only have a tendency to highlight the matter. Why does he do risky things? Why does he involve himself with the Syndicate on Crane's behalf? She obviously would get deliveries by some other means before he showed up. Well, it's because it's very specifically something that he can define himself as standing out in. Something that makes him 'special' in his own words.

The fact that it's dangerous or taboo might only exacerbate this, as it might trend towards either a martyr complex "Dealing with this is bad, but I either deserve it, or keep it off other people", or as an anchor for self esteem. You saw a little flash of this after Dan left during the first delivery. Shane managed to keep it together because he was in the moment, but after it was over, he had himself a nice little panic attack, potentially only then realizing the import of what hat just happened and potentially beating himself up over how if it had gone bad, he might have hurt the people he loves. The rush of the danger combines with this to form an almost addictive blend.

I have no knowledge or training in psychology or psychoanalysis of any kind, so please forgive any wordings or silly presumptions I may have made above. It's just what sort of goes through my head when thinking that aspect of his personality.

Though also being in late teens also probably doesn't help... <.<

The symptoms you mention, and the "bullied becoming the bully" are all symptoms of this. Logically he can understand that he's a generally good person, and that people care about him. But emotionally, that is staggered, twisting the perceptions of events and memories to match his state of mind, which can have something of an abrasive effect on his behavior. The interesting thing though, is that he is fully aware of these things. Aware of them, but feels powerless to change them, which just starts the cycle of guilt all over again 'Why can't i fix this, it's my fault' and the like.

What I'm looking forward to, is seeing how he deals with a crisis point. I'll have to do a lot of thinking to make sure it's handled decently.

Thanks for the feedback and write up! You actually wrote it much more clearly than I'd had it in my head to be honest And you have it completely right indeed. This story being from Shane's perspective (as mentioned earlier in the thread) brings what he perceives, and how he perceives it into question that can only be answered through the reader's own interpretation of the actions of the other characters, rather than just Shane's input.

Re: Magic Training
Very possible! I won't confirm or deny, but from what I've read, an Investment is kind of a big deal, and Crane may or may not have considered Shane for such an undertaking. Judy did point out that based on her perspective, Crane may have been waiting for Shane to 'push back', but it's just as likely that Crane may just be oblivious to how much not being a part of these things hurts him. She lives alone inside a mountain with a small swarm of cats after all, and by all accounts, has been there for a while. She might not be the best at reading social queues.



Re: Developing the tale

Thanks!!! I look forward to doing it too.






Now, as a final note, I have a question for you fine folks. What is your general tolerance for violence, injury, etc is for characters in the stories you read. I ask, because I have a few levels of intensity I have mapped out (It's mostly just a shade of each other after all) but I think I'd be doing all of you a disservice not to ask, since A) I don't necessarily know what other Whateley fics are like, For the folks who have been reading so far, I don't want to suddenly say "Whoops, here's a thing you hate, you can't participate anymore" just because of a tone-shift.

I've definitely seen everything from death and gore to cartoony super-hero battles and super cutsey, so getting a rough temperature of the room would be super helpful. Especially if there might ber a listing as to 'why' you may / may not be a fan of seeing such things in this story. Feel free not to respond of course! It's like homework, but at home. Not from school, echk!

Thanks everyone for reading! I am hopeful that I can at least make the rest of the story entertaining for you.

~Shaiden

Re:Violence
Write what you want to write. Just be aware that in some instances, less is more. A scene can be just as effective by being less graphic and instead concealing just enough to let the reader fill in the gaps.

Or you could go the Tennyo Goes To Hell route, and put a disclaimer before the offending scenes.

Shaiden wrote: Also... I'm afraid I don't know Force.... sorry Could you toss me a reference on that character? (I'm assuming it's a character?)

It is not a character, it is more of a concept or maybe a subclass of avatars who over the years have captured a lot of spirit in their hallow and over time because those spirits were small spirits without much power/intelligence have merged to create a new "spirit", a Force which is greater than the sum of its part. And Forces tend to attract the convoitise of other.

In the WU, the most popular Force user is Champion :
http://crystalhall.wikia.com/wiki/Champion
(But Carson is also a Force user, with her own Force, for example)

Shaiden wrote: Now, as a final note, I have a question for you fine folks. What is your general tolerance for violence, injury, etc is for characters in the stories you read. I ask, because I have a few levels of intensity I have mapped out (It's mostly just a shade of each other after all) but I think I'd be doing all of you a disservice not to ask, since A) I don't necessarily know what other Whateley fics are like, For the folks who have been reading so far, I don't want to suddenly say "Whoops, here's a thing you hate, you can't participate anymore" just because of a tone-shift.

I've definitely seen everything from death and gore to cartoony super-hero battles and super cutsey, so getting a rough temperature of the room would be super helpful. Especially if there might ber a listing as to 'why' you may / may not be a fan of seeing such things in this story. Feel free not to respond of course! It's like homework, but at home. Not from school, echk!

If you really think the content might upset some people, you could maybe began to include a disclaimer in spoiler to indicate the kind of thing people should expect ?

We have seen a lot of things in the whateley universe : gang-rape, enslavement (with rape on a day to day basis) depression, attempted suicide, murder, body horror, torture (ok I don't remember the example at the top of my head for this one. fake edit: Nope, I remember). It's up to the author to decide how graphic he wants to depict the content of his story (you don't have to show the rape, you can pretty much put it on the table, and fade to black for example). I think currently "Tennyo goes to Hell" is revered as the "We don't see how we can top if off" story in this regard. But the thing is, some of the best stories are the one with a sudden shift of tone (W******** finals for example)

I would like to say that I am game for anything but I know that it is not the case. It's just that I don't expect a story posted here to really go so low that I would really be disturbed by its content. I don't even think a happy ending is necessary (as long as the ending still convey the message the author wanted it to)

It is a complex matter.

So, what's our violence references for the WU?

The battles of Book of Darwin 2? Or is there something more violent?

Well, most violence is kept short?

whateleyacademy.net/index.php/content-me...es/123-a-simple-game

Hey folks!

My apologies, but I'm afraid I'll have to tap out on adding another chapter this weekend, I'm not leaving it on a cliffhanger intentionally I promise!

Life's just got a little more busy than I'd expected On the up-side, I'm spending a lot of time building out how I want the next few chapters to go, so hopefully it'll be worth it!


I'll either make another post here, or edit this current post when it's posted

~Shaiden

EDIT:
Suppose I should qualify that a little more <.<

Basically, work's gotten a little rough, and it's taking more cycles to de-stress at the end of the day, which is eating into writing time (or at least, my ability to focus). So while I can work on lighter-stuff like planning things out, the time commitment is just driving me a bit batty

With luck, things will calm down this next week.


Responses!

@GrimGrendel
Re: Violence:
Definitely I wasn't planning on writing crazy-level stuff, it's just that due to my lack of reading in WU, it can be hard to gauge what the "upper limit" can be, not that I was planning on getting there, but because it might educate me as to the expected median.

Re: Tennyo goes to hell
... I'm scared to look that up...


@Esar
Re: Force
Ohhh that's kind of cool. It definitely would stand to reason that those elemental spirits could be "farmed" to create something like that. It would become a question of stability however, they're pretty fragile unless they have a sufficient hallow. Plus the potential for multiple elements clashing against each other, I don't know if some would just straight up negate each other. Might be something interesting to look into though! Thanks for the info


Re: Disclaimer
I'm pretty sure I won't be hitting that level. I'll be hitting that level, I was just curious as to the level of tolerance / standard levels beyond what I might have read. Definitely not planning on going to several of those subjects you listed O_o;;


@Malady
Re: Violence

Hmmm, yeah, sort of making the action with descriptives then moving on rather than languishing in it or anything.. Seems like a decent method O.o I'll have to look into that a bit closer



EDIT 2:

I am not dead!

My apologies folks, as stated above, my work completely ate my life for some time, and immediately following that, I had no enthusiasm for writing. I didn't want to force anything, so took a few more weeks off, just doing some dumb things

Good news!!

I'm writing the next chapter already. I don't plan on it, or (hopefully) following chapters to be as long as the behemoths i'd been putting out, but hey, I've said that before. <_<

I should have it for all of you fine folks this weekend. And hey, if I get lucky, maybe a follow-up!

I have no intention of abandoning the story, and if something comes up where I have to stop, I promise I'll let you all know.

Thanks for being patient! I hope you enjoy the next chapter, it's a little more surreal than normal, but after it, we should be getting back to normality (or what exists of it anyway).

Howdy folks!

As per my second edit above, I do apologize for the huge gap in updates. I can't promise it won't happen again, but I'll try not to let it go *SO* long if it does.

This chapter is a lot more surreal-ness stuff. I wanted to get a shorter update out, and really wanted to knock some dust off my typing. Hopefully the quality didn't suffer...

Bit of gross messiness in there (and no, this chapter wasn't why I was asking about violence earlier, that's for later) but hopefully not too bad. Still, I kind of wanted to try my hand at writing something surreal and creepy. Hopefully it came out.

Sadly, not as much progress "outside" (you'll know what I mean if you've read it) but I wanted to keep this fairly self-contained.

Hopefully you'll enjoy it! Let me know what you think!

~Shaiden

Interesting chapter. I think you did a good job on the "otherness". Still looking forward to how this plays out.

I'd favor categorizing it as "otherness" too, over "creepy" ...

... this coming from a guy whose ongoing SR character was described as "Sometimes when you stare into the Abyss long enough, It says hello and pulls up a chair."

Apparently Shane still has one hell of a concussion, but traditionally falling critically ill or injured can mark the end of a shaman's old life and the beginning of their new journey.

I guess the girl that dragged him is Desi, but that's all I can think of? ... No, he was carrying that container thing, and now he's opened it and bonded to it or something.

Shane X Desi ship so much!

Need ending punctation: "If I even had a choice in the matter"

Please post the next chapter soon.
Some of us identify with Shane a bit too much, and personally I REALLY need to know what happens.
You write really well I just want to know for sure this story is not dropped.

-A Shiny Rock