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Question The Call of the Waters discussion topic.
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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Her normally blue eye had changed, the iris was now a deep blood red.
[Sounds creepy, 'cause you used "blood" to describe it.]
IIRC, canon doesn't give massively subjective descriptions? They use "pert" and "full" and other more physically based descriptions?
Wow. A 12-yr-old non-virgin... Who did she have sex with at that age??? I'm surprised. But not sure if I really should be... More importantly, how old did she look?? The younger she looked, the more disturbing it is. If she looked like, pubescent and not loli, that's better... Especially if her partner didn't know her real age... Then a lot of the squick is taken out of it... 'Cause then he's not a pedo...
Typo: girl(')s eye
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
as for the eye, that's the color that um..
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is...
Furthermore, as the mother of a pair of 11 year old girls, I know all too well that now girls have sex sooner than back when I was a teen, you know... back when I helped to beta-test the 'wheel'...
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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She could have just lost all iris pigmentation, like an albino usually does...
Also, yeah, now it happens sooner, but 20 yrs ago? Then again, it might have been the same throughout history, it's just that we have better stats now... ... *sigh*. Gonna look it up to refresh and possibly correct my assumptions on the stats, 'cause I'm gonna write about medieval, gotta get it right...
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
well... I was 17, and the last girl I knew to lose it, by quite a lot... and that was almost 20 years ago... almost.Malady wrote: Also, yeah, now it happens sooner, but 20 yrs ago? Then again, it might have been the same throughout history, it's just that we have better stats now... ... *sigh*. Gonna look it up to refresh and possibly correct my assumptions on the stats, 'cause I'm gonna write about medieval, gotta get it right...
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- null0trooper
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Rose Bunny wrote: I was approaching the descriptiveness to her own conceit. She thinks she has a perfect ass, so that's what she'd call it. I'll see if I can bend it a little.
as for the eye, that's the color that um.. is...
Furthermore, as the mother of a pair of 11 year old girls, I know all too well that now girls have sex sooner than back when I was a teen, you know... back when I helped to beta-test the 'wheel'...
Thirty-seven years ago, the "girl next door" (Actually, it was the house across the street) was barely twelve and was already in a "C" if not "D" cup.
Forum-posted ideas are freely adoptable.
WhatIF Stories: Buy the Book
Discussion Thread
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
wahhh you mathed my age. but yeah, I was born when my mother was still 16, and I nearly had a baby when I was 17, so I know ALL about how kids are having sex too early. The scary thing is the youngest documented birth was to a 5 year old girl.null0trooper wrote: When I first saw the title listed, ADHD brain reported it as "The Call of the Wales". There's probably a story or two there too.
Rose Bunny wrote: I was approaching the descriptiveness to her own conceit. She thinks she has a perfect ass, so that's what she'd call it. I'll see if I can bend it a little.
as for the eye, that's the color that um.. is...
Furthermore, as the mother of a pair of 11 year old girls, I know all too well that now girls have sex sooner than back when I was a teen, you know... back when I helped to beta-test the 'wheel'...
Thirty-seven years ago, the "girl next door" (Actually, it was the house across the street) was barely twelve and was already in a "C" if not "D" cup.
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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From Part 1: key word > correct word [?]
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
Malady wrote: From Part 1: key word > correct word [?]
I don't understand what you mean by this
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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Perhaps walk is not the key word
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- null0trooper
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Rose Bunny wrote: wahhh you mathed my age. but yeah, I was born when my mother was still 16, and I nearly had a baby when I was 17, so I know ALL about how kids are having sex too early. The scary thing is the youngest documented birth was to a 5 year old girl.
Nahh, you wrote it down elsewhere. I just happened to remember one of our neighbors back when I was in high school.
"Fifteen may get you twenty, that's all right
Cause they'll be rocking and a rolling on a Livingston Saturday night"
- Jimmy Buffett, "Livingston Saturday Night" (c) 1975
Forum-posted ideas are freely adoptable.
WhatIF Stories: Buy the Book
Discussion Thread
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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At least she's improving, and now we know how she learns of Whateley. I wonder how much of her school experience is planned out...
effects mutants [affects]
It’s unkept hair [Its]
those inhuman red eyes.
in revulsion and shock,
[Captialize? It's supposed to be the start of a sentence? Also, you had a sudden paragraph space]
“ Don’t fight it [Remove space after quotation mark.]
She saw small, but lithe. [Split it more cleanly with a paragraph space?]
bottom.( )This
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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[*TMI* Lol. That was a lot more information that I was expecting...]
First of all, language, young lady.
[Lol.]
the loss of her uterus.
[Well, that was even more unexpected... Why did the spirit do 'that'??]
LeAnna started to sob inconsolably.
[Oh... I hope it'll be a good cry, in the end... She 'seems' to turn out well at least...]
a spirit('s) life essence
Part of the spirit(')s changes
Stil(l), sh(e) was angry
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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LeAnna zigged and zagged, the projectiles coming at her ever faster, more and more baring down on her.
Wait. What?! ... It's been 5 days... An apparently very eventful mostly-week... Hmm... "MCO Regional Headquarters" ... So I guess this is Danger Sense or whatever testing. ... And it's Gen0, so things are a bit unrefined, compared to Gen1...
Gavia was derived from Latin, and was the name of the genus for the common Loon
[Avatar, with a Latin, or at least Pre-English codename... And reproductive issues with her spirit! Aquerna-similarities rising!

but she still missed her boobs.
[Woah. Her self-image is focused a lot on that. It's been mentioned twice so far, this chapter. ... Makes sense. ... If it becomes a catchphrase, popping up in every chapter, I'll ROFL.]
Avatar 3
Ah. An AV-3... But, if her spirit is having trouble there... That's a Powerful Spirit...
The Baker household
No "-Smith"? Interesting. ... Although, in Part 4, you still use "LeAnna Baker-Smith"... Well, it's her name... Not her house... ... Two occupations in one last name! lol.
she had disowned her own daughter.
She did? ... Oh right. She did.
vague distant relation to the English Royal Family.
Lol. Wut. "Smith" is like, one of the most common English surnames!
Thirdly, anyone that gained that information did so by looking at supposedly secure confidential records.
Who leaked? MCO? H1-er? Or what? Hmm...
Paul looked over at LeAnna, to see if she had heard, but she still sat there deep in meditation.
Hmm... Next part is gonna be in LeAnna's head?
...
Hmm... With a AV-4 (+?) Level spirit... She could get more powers... Oh, she was flying in the beginning of this part, wasn't she? No?
She head the tranquil calls
[Heeded? Heard? ... I think "Heard"?]
Ex-wife
That's usually not capitalized?
Africa-American > African-American
fucking duck [Lol! It sorta rhymes!]
grumbled.( )”Great,
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
Her spirit is slightly bigger than her hallow, hence some of the changes, not to the Razorback degree, but still.
as for the boobs, she was somewhat vain. the whole well-developed blonde cheerleader thing, and all. so going from a generous C cup to total lack of is kinda a slap in the ego.
As far as the name thing goes, I kinda explained that. Her mother, having been Beth Smith or Beth Baker-Smith before the divorce insisted on the hyphenization. But as Paul Smith is the house Owner, it's formally the Baker Household.
and yes, it's kind of a joke that the mother is so haughty about having such a common name. We shall see about the leak at the PTA meeting.
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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Rose Bunny wrote: She was flying over in an episode of Eire.
As far as the name thing goes, I kinda explained that. Her mother, having been Beth Smith or Beth Baker-Smith before the divorce insisted on the hyphenization. But as Paul Smith is the house Owner, it's formally the Baker Household.
Hmm... I wonder when she'll discover her flight... Likely before getting to Whateley? ... So, possibly she could just finish the school year, then have an uneventful summer before going to Whateley... But, with this legal stuff... Uneventful doesn't seem to be in the cards...
Oh! There's also the Calming Song!
I just noted the name thing 'cause "-Smith" was there and now it's not. The change makes sense. *shrugs*
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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Awesome speech there! ... And Emily, at the end... Well, that's a surprise, and a setup for Conflict... Emily might mutate... Heck, Beth, might mutate / burnout, if she's a carrier of the MGC...
We haven't seen the outcome yet, but we know she goes to Whateley... Whateley's staff might see this on the news, if its high-profile enough...
LeAnna hasn't been attacked yet? Not by a mob or anything?
Don’t worry(,) Daddy
concerned look on his face(.)
the(n) walked
Leanna Grace [Not LeAnna? Also, a middle name!]
Welcome(,) everyone
prohibited in mutant [cut the "in"]
known as an exemplar [Exemplar, capitalize?]
Paul baker [Capitalize]
back to school. expulsion [Comma, or capitalize]
WITH full parental consent [Ah. Her mom...]
under to pressure [under, or to, not both...]
I am close to the end of the year. ["It is close" or "end of the year" be changed to something more personal than a statement of time?]
You won’t need to worry about me anymore. [Woah.]
Humanity First pin she now wore on her blouse. [OMG... Half-sibs are gonna fight??]
[“Are you saying she’s … a mutant?]
Hall Hall
...
“I’m afraid it is”.
[“I’m afraid it is.”]
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
I wouldn't look good flat-chested and feathered.Malady wrote: Stay rested! Don't burn out!
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Anne
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Adopt my story: here
Nowhereville discussion
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
*certain minds blown*
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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Her Father [Capitalized, interesting.]
Misunderstanding the glance [Oohh.. That's not good...]
“You are not a freak!” [YAY!]
LeAnna panicked at the kiss. [Well. I'm surprised! ... I don't think it works out, though?]
You are so pretty, so alluring.”
LeAnna’s Chin, an
LeAnna’s (c)hin, an(d)
me squirm excitedly
[Uh... POV sudden shift...]
rand
ran
“Mmm, soooft”
“Mmm, soooft(.)”
this is true
Colloquial, I suppose? Else I suggest "that is true".
...
Nice to see some happiness!
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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She would have to meditate on that.
Yes. This is a very intriuing development!
thought of Judy her hand
thought of Judy(,) her hand
That was when the brick flew through the window and snapped her back to attention.
I thought it meant the hero type, which woulda been so embarassing! ... But, no, you mean a piece of masonry. Which was used as a distraction, apparently, for the assault from the back...
towards he phone
towards (t)he phone
“Die Mutie” and “Kill the mutant”
Not sure if those should have exclaimation marks after them...
LeAnna felt a calming influence in her mind
Well, that's convenient. Good job, spirit! ... And they're using knives, 'cause it's dangerous to shoot in close-quarters. ... Are the police gonna arrive 'cause gunshots? Or are they silenced?
impale it into his side
Woah. ... Also is a recognizable wound, so her attackers can be identified.
Correction, their friends that were coming down the stairs.
Lol. Corrections.
50 or 60 more people
OMG. That's a lotta people. ... FlyOrDie now? ... Nope.
LeAnna let out a sorrowful wail, a song of sadness and serenity.
Sadness and serenity... Interesting combo.
signed and ran
"sighed" ... She had time to sigh. Wow.
She would die, they would catch her, and she would die.
Have a period after the first "die", instead of a comma.
pain as bones in her arms contorted and broke
Rapid transform! That's rare? No, that's just Shifter... And yep. FlyOrDie.
reshaping themselves her sleeves
reshaping themselves(.) (H)er sleeves
LeAnna felt her bones cracking and breaking again, reforming into her arms.
Oh. It reverses as well...
Darkness swallowed her completely.
So, not gonna die from bloodloss... Is she gonna wake up quickly? Or in a hospital? ... And did the guys in her house manage to escape, I wonder?
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
my rationalization for it is that the spirit doesn't talk to her, and beyond her GSD, swimming and diving ability, increased lung capacity, and loon call, it really doesn't give her much.
Her Exemplar status is her most offensive ability, and that's just EX3.
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
is now
up.
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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[Oh! She went to Judy's house, instead of her own! Makes sense, 'cause the hunters wouldn't be watching that one.]
Omg [Or "Oh! My! God!"? Saying the letters makes sense, *shrugs*]
Omg(!) Sweetheart, are you okay?(!)
[Nice to know she woke up instead of KO-ed until Judy arrived.]
franticly > frantically
Hmm... Doc Wells is gonna do a home visit and keep things on the DL, like one of those Doctor friends that Urban Fantasy Protags have to keep Masques unbroken? That'd be cool!
Dr. Wells('s) number
Getting ho [Getting up ?]
How's LeAnna's regen? As a EX-3, she should be around a Regen-1... She clots a small bit faster than a baser, and stuff?
He spoke,( )“ [Set the speaking as a new paragraph?]
(and) some gauze, [Or omit 'cause colloquial?]
“I … I understand. I think I might have an idea…” [Oh! Trancing out is useful! Sorta like Jade's Hypno and stuff! Jade's a AV too... Hmm...]
She blushed and shrieked in embarrassment.
“What… what’s going on?”, She blearily asked.
Energy level rapid whiplash? She can't be bleary if she's energtic enough to shriek?
father arrived in time for a transfusion [Oh, wait... Transfusion, not Transplant...]
bed rest > bedrest
The girls haven't let anyone know about their changed relationship, right?
Hmm... Judy's big sister... Oh wait... I thought they meant LeAnna. Whoops. Nothing likely important there?
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
She was fleeing from the house, you know because it was on fire, and being attacked by H1 members. Why would she fly away, only to circle back? Yeah, she has Regen 1 equivalent, as an Exemplar 3. But, you still don't want to leave the bullets in, they can cause more damage when you move around. A perforated kidney is still dangerous.
And no, if the parents knew, they would not be put in the same room. Though once LeAnna feels better, the fact there are 2 beds will likely be irrelevant.
And older sister having moved out is Deus Ex Machina for there to be 2 beds in one room, and one being vacant.
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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nightly snuggling and sex with Judy [Ah.]
Even worse, today(,) Judy
played video games [What's her fancy, I wonder?]
She eyed her friend, jenny [Jenny]
ask jenny out [Ditto]
Maybe it was being with Judy now, but LeAnna was gaining a new appreciation of the female form. [Huh.]
and had received a kick in the nuts for his troubles. [Owch! ... Why's he bad? *checking...* Ah:
"Jeff Pierson had, of course, cancelled their date last Saturday, and had refused to even pick up when she called."]
I wonder if Jeff will be even more relevant in the future...
I need to talk to LeAnna alone for a second. [Did she find out about Judy and LeAnna? ... Judy, Jenny, Jeff... A lotta J-names?]
back yard > backyard
I have an idea. [And secret is still secret!]
the strange girl sitting on her couch, petting her dog. [Who in the world is this?!? Mutant advocate or something, offering a Whateley package? Dog is a familar?]
b-cup > B-cup ?
started the snort [started to snort]
She took the glasses off, revealing her solid black eyes, with the red irises. [LeAnna got a disguise! And it's a good one!]
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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but if she could pull this off, there was hope.
Hmm... A PR stunt? What could it be?
Jeff Pierson was with the group of teens.
Ohh... Interesting...
That caused Judy to smirk. She had won, Jeff had lost. And he didn’t know what a prize he had given up.
Lol!

LeAnna, or Annalee as she was passing herself off as
Oh, not a PR stunt, just introducing the disguise... That is an obvious alias...
Russ Olsen introduced himself, and as he did so, he pinched Jenny’s ass, all the while glancing down the open v-neck of Annalee’s shirt at the subtle hint of cleavage.
Hmm...
you are
The lack of contractions sounds so stilted...
Annalee’s jaw dropped, and in a clearly shocked voice, she exclaimed. “Wait, ah’m white? Why didn’t anyone ever tell me?”
LOL!
never one
(N)ever one
“So, what’s with your eyes? You lose them in an accident, or were you born that way?”
The narration described you well, unfortunately.
Then ah got measles when I was three, and it took mah sight.”
Woah. That's a sad false backstory!
“Well at least it’s not because you are a mutie, like that loser that Judy and Jenny used to hang out with.”
Wow. ... Wait, if the rest of the group aren't bigots, why is Jeff hanging out with 'em? Or is he going out with one of them? ... No, did Judy just gather them all together to show Annalee around?
Jeff continued, having totally forgotten the girls, and turning the conversation into locker room banter.
Woah. Dude, you stupid. The narration doesn't do you justice.
jenny and smiled. “ Ah
(J)enny and smiled. “Ah
unmistakeable
"Unmistakable"
...
Nice reveal! ... I guess Annalee and stuff aren't uncommon names, and the hair color and stuff make it not too obvious.
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
A Whateley Universe story.
Part 12
IS UP.
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
-
“If I wanted that, I’d be attracted to guys”
[Lol! Also, missing ending punctuation.]
(s)tated Mrs. Carlson
LOL! She knew!
Jeff was there, still oblivious to the fact that he was girl repellant, and that even the guys didn’t like him much.
LOL!
“ It’s not our
"It's not our
“ Yo babe
"Yo babe
That left the blind chick.
OMG. Bad choice!
The others looked in stunned silence at him, not believing he had actually said that.
I know, right? She's BLIND!
hell she had planned on going all the way with him on their date.
Huh.
a lezzie.
()
He
Anywhere people were gathering, there had to be chicks, he figured as he walked over.
lol
LeAnna was looking at her own mother.
WOAH. ... Still wondering about her mutant status and stuff...
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Anne
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Adopt my story: here
Nowhereville discussion
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
oh wait, new Call is up.
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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Jim Owens sat on the couch, fiddling nervously with his keys. It was difficult being there, looking at the man whose wife he stole.
Woah, is he actually thinking that what he did was stealing? I'm surprised he's thinking that, 'cause he's putting a negative slant on his own actions. Wow.
she’s been irrational, she refuses to acknowledge that she’s her daughter.
It's seems like this is the start of a list that the rest of the paragraph should be connected to. Perhaps change that period to a comma? But, I dunno, I guess it works as the way he's saying it?
but he was starting to a little.
Maybe remove "a little"? It seems weird there... Like there should be a pause after the "starting to", but not sure how to punctuate that...
After all, if Beth had gone this crazy, at least he wasn’t still with her to take the brunt of it.
That doesn't sound like something about forgiveness? More lack of regret, 'cause you've avoided something bad? Interesting thoughts from him, though. Nice!
, Paul looked at his former friend and frowned.
Maybe make that into a separate paragraph instead of connecting it with a comma?
And woah, that's harsh advice, but I guess it's warranted.
At that same moment
Oooh! Interesting!
LeAnna lounged on the bed, trying to look at brochures, a task not made easy by the fact that Judy was currently kissing that spot on the back of her knee that drove her wild.
Well, that's very interesting! But, what else is going on... Oh! Those are Whateley Brochures!
Judy scoffed. “Riiiiight. If you come back a redhead with the power to manifest a giant firebird aura, I don’t know you.”

The Owens residence
Where is this? Oh, right, LeAnna's mother's new house.
Beth Owens-Smith watched Emily waddling around, examining her surroundings. She shed a single tear.
Why you crying? ... Are you gonna kill your daughter??!?
“It’s a shame your sister is dead to you. She went and had to spite me by becoming that thing.”
It's all about you... Self-centered b****. ... *sigh*... Well, if I wanted to be more kind, I could say that it's a way to cope with her beliefs or something, making it a choice of LeAnna's instead of random chance or something... Are you worth my kindness, Beth? Hmm? ... Well, you're not a CompleteMonster... I think.
her daughter… no, that’s not right… the thing that had taken her daughter from her…
She still sorta cares about her daughter... And is trying to separate current LeAnna from past LeAnna... Denial, while not mentally healthy... Isn't full mental illness levels? ... Also, she said "becoming that thing" instead of "was taken by that thing"... Interesting...
She would find it and it would pay for embarrassing her.
This is not good. Not sure how. But clearly not good.
Later that day
Target department store.
What. Is this a pun? Targetting, Finding, Hunting, etc?
s(l)utty [?]
She looked at the woman she had bumped into and panicked. It was her. She was here.
Oh shit. I was right. Is there gonna be a confrontation or what? Especially since Beth knows what LeAnna looks like now... I forget what we know about LeAnna's future, but if Beth's dead, LeAnna likely isn't gonna be the cause... Perhaps Emily burning out or something... And Beth mutating is still a possibility, IIRC...
[note]and (while) still fighting off a panic attack(,)[/note]
So, she isn't found out, or is she? We haven't gotten Beth's POV... And LeAnna's begging Judy to leave, they haven't left yet... Hmm...
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
Target is a nation-wide retail store chain here in the U.S., Headquartered in Minneapolis.
Does it seem like Beth has a history of making decisions that don't seem quite... Sane??
What that might mean for Emily and the other baby... that might get dealt with here... or elsewhere?
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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June 2nd, 1994
Still the same day!
She didn’t recognize me. I know the disguise is pretty convincing, but I thought she would recognize me.
... If it's really convincing, then being able to hide from anyone wouldn't be impossible... So, what about it would give LeAnna away? But, hey, we're gonna get flashbacks! So, that's cool... Still confusing though.
A Few minutes later, she was Finishing putting the last screw back in.
"A few minutes later, she was finished putting the last screw back in."
She a Gadgeteer? Is that gonna be the revelation?
“I wanna waffle, is the toaster working?”, she asked those big puppy dog eyes pointed squarely at her big sister.
Aww! Cute!
Fire Quickly engulfed the kitchen.
"Fire quickly engulfed the kitchen."
So, presumably she's she a Gadgeteer and her powers accidentally, sorta indirectly causing her sister's death... No, wait. Devisor? How impossible is a toaster that throws itself across the room? ... And if DEV, then Deidricks?
And so, her horrible experience with her own powers sets her as a anti-mutant activist because of safety. Understandable, but unfortunate.
A Nurse came in the room and looked at her, before quickly rushing back out the door. A Few minutes later,
"A nurse came in the room and looked at her, before quickly rushing back out the door. A few minutes later,"
Wait... Is she a rager or something, a danger to herself, and so, the straps? Just general mutant fears? Or a prevention against her twisting and turning and screwing up the healing?
If your Father hadn’t been running late to work,
Well, Carrie hasn't explicitly been said to be dead, she could just be massively disfigured... But, presumably, she's dead.
Deep inside though, a rage was building. A rage that she could barely contain.
So, general emotional description? Or Rager? Hmm...
“Dear, there’s more… Do… do you remember the last month? “
Was she KO'd for a month? ... No? How does that make sense, why ask about the whole last month then? ... Wait, so if the farm trip was two months ago, did she get KO'd for a month? ... Well, she got tested at some point we're unaware of, post-exploding-toaster... And DEV Rager confirmed... Is she going to Whateley?!? Wait, was Whateley running at the point? Hmm...
Wait, if she did something bad post-Rage start, and she didn't have any tools... She has more powers? Likely a Blaster or something...
And she's turning her mom out... Presuming that Carrie's dead... Rage-out might mess up her mind and lock in Carrie's death even if it was just disfigurement... Is she gonna rage-out in the hospital? At some point, she was obviously released and had LeAnna... What was Beth's job again?
And, she's distanced herself from her DEV-ness... Some crazy wordplay could connect DEV and Devil... How many Diaboliks are DEVisors? Hmm...
Sorta hoping for Beth to Rage and end the local H1 group... But, hey, they've got families and stuff... Presumably they're not monsters?
This was the ninth time beth had been told of the fire, and of Carrie’s death.
"Beth"
Woah. And death is confirmed. Unless crazy mutation saved Carrie's life somehow, but no one figured it out. Nah. Too crazy as a hope. ... IIRC, does LeAnna have any great-cousins or whatever? Run a family tree, see how far the MGC goes... Did it start in her great-grandmother or something... ... Ugh. YandereSim's history that goes back 3+ generations has got me thinking of long times... Well, it's not too bad...
Eventually your Grandmother stopped telling Beth about her sister, soon she forgot all about her.
"perceiving pluripotent perplexing pronoun potential" - It sounds like Grandmother might have forgot, instead of Beth.
Are "Grandmother" and stuff supposed to be captialized? I dunno.
hyper activity > hyperactivity
every day life > everyday life
do now.()“
- Rose Bunny
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High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Anne
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Stop reading my mind.Anne wrote: But in true epic fashion she refuses to face her part of the problem. A mutant killed my sister, a mutant killed my daughter I would bet very soon in her twisted world.
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- Rose Bunny
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High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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Anne wrote: But in true epic fashion she refuses to face her part of the problem. A mutant killed my sister, a mutant killed my daughter I would bet very soon in her twisted world.
I was thinking that you were thinking that Beth would think that LeAnna was dead, which does make sense, and then I remembered her other daughter... Who also might die in this story... Not sure if we see her alive in the future...
The fact that I don't think we seen her yet, sorta makes me think she is dead...
- Rose Bunny
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High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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Rose Bunny wrote: Mal, If you are talking about Emily, she's not even 2 yet. She's off in her crib, her Dad is watching her. If you mean the OTHER baby, Beth is in her ninth month, so she could have it soonish.
Oh.


- Rose Bunny
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High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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June 9th, 1994
It's been a week since the Revelation... What happened during that week?
The pain was intense, but she refused the epidural, she refused any and all medications. That’s how they stole LeAnna, and substituted that monster.
Wut? ... *Regina Hospital; Hastings, Minnesota*... Oh, Beth's giving birth! She's pregnant! Huh... Hmm... Essy's Pregnant, Beth's Pregnant. Host is sorta Pregnant-ish-ness-thing. ... I'm sensing something similar to a pattern.
waves,m
"waves,m"
She thinks Emily's been "taken" as well... Hmm... Just the crazy talking, or Esper or something?
She was almost convinced he wasn’t part of the plot. had he experimented on her? Had he been plotting with that traitorous ex of hers?
Woah. What can she figure out with just intuition alone, and what's due to Esper or something??
red as a radish.
lol.
His Aunt
"His aunt"
... Hmm... This aunt... Have we seen her in the future? Likely not... So many things to think about when you've seen the future...
She Looked
"She looked"
she let it hit her in the face.
... Woah. ... Maybe she could have pretended to know it's there by hearing it, but *shrugs*
ground for them. That’s when Jeff ran up.
"ground for her fallen glasses. That’s when Jeff ran up."
Hmm... More Jeff-interaction... What's gonna happen now? ... Maybe Jeff can be redeemed if we know he's got a reasonable explanation for his bigotry?
“Ah can’t, that’s why it’s a joke.” Annalee said, in a pleasant voice that hid her thoughts of him being an absolute idiot.
“Oh, oh, I get it!” Jeff said, he really didn’t. “Would… would you like to go out?”
Woah. He is really stupid. And wow, either Annalee is really pretty, he can't take a hint, or something else. Many possible reasons, don't feel like going through all of them.
And I just watched this today. lol. Toph is blind
“Sorry, Ah really don’t date. Last guy I considered dating turned out to be kind of … a bigot.”

“That hurts, let go!”, she demanded.
Wat you doing, dude? ... I think she's got some strength boosts, so this is gonna be unpleasant. For him.
Russ shook his head. Jeff was dumb, but lately he had been angry. Russ made a mental note to call Judy Carlson and warn her that Jeff was gunning for her cousin.
That's a great idea! ... Russ ship with someone? Gah. I can't remember if LeAnna's bi or lez. ... Who's that other girl? Maybe ship him with her?
as much as Judy wished she could join her lover, Her mother was home.
"her mother was home."
LOL.
7 Pounds
7 pounds
It’s not like I’ll ever get to meet her, not now.
So sad! But, with Jim sending his family away from his wife... You might get that chance!
Nice bit with making it seem like it was Russ calling, but not really!
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
No Mal, no ESP.
Just iIlogical dricking and paranoia.
The aunt is a plot device, "we have place to escape to away from crazy lady"
LeAnna is a 5'2" 98 Lb. exemplar with (fake) raven black hair, (fake) modest B-cup breasts and (real) sexy curvy hips and apple bottom.
so yeah She is kinda unconventionally hot.
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Rose Bunny
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High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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- null0trooper
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- Rose Bunny
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High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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June 15th, 1994
LeAnna sat on the edge of the bed, crying.
*Previous Part. 6 Days ago. "LeAnna sat on the bed and hugged her girlfriend [...] The diminutive girl was wracked by sobs. "*
Jokepost: LeAnna was rooted to the bed for 6 days, crying!
Jim Owens had gotten a court document committing her mother to the mental hospital.
Woah. ... Silly Tansy-Connections, Go! Girl goes from Pretty to *Ugly*, instead of reverse of Ugly to Pretty like Tansy did. Both Avatars, both had mothers commited to mental institutions by their fathers. Both have abilities that affect minds. Both were / are blonde?
Things had gone badly after the delivery.
*Reads ahead.* That's a bit of an understatement.


[note]grill(e)[/note]
OH SHIT. Devisor with access to tech! ... Laser-make? She's got a light source... Hypno-weapon? Options, options...
not-quite two week old
It's only been ~6 days... 15 - 9 = 6...
So shouldn't it be "not-quite week old"?
Jim Owens pulled over to examine the engine. Smoke was pouring from the front of the car. He popped the hood, and took a look. It looked like a fan belt had slipped and blown out.
Is this Beth's doing? ... Nah, how would that even work?
[note]make sure (t)hey[/note]
Beth’s illness got progressively worse.
Maybe "After that, Beth’s illness got ..."
To emphasize the causative nature of the incident...
Interesting he keeps on calling it her "illness". Well, what else would you call it, though.
[note]powers.( )The[/note]
The doctors say that subconsciously that turned into a pathological hatred for mutants.
"The doctors say that it subconsciously turned into a..."
Reminds me of the Mahrens (however you spell that), with a unknown mutant mom.
Jeff Pierson was hanging out, scoping for babes.
Hello, again, Jeff! ... Lol if he mutates at some point.
he took off his shirt and pretended to stretch.
When you just state the motivations like that, it's

He hadn’t gotten a date in weeks, he
"He hadn’t gotten a date in weeks! He"
Maybe they just got a clearer look at your charming personality.
He made up his mind then and there that she had to pay for breaking his nose and humiliating him.
Bad idea, boy. ... Should he even have a clue about her strength?
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High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Anne
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- Rose Bunny
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High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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Sure she had upped the voltage to fatal levels
Hmm... ... So, she took it off some guard... A dead guard How many deaths has she caused already? ... How many uses does the taser have before failing? Although, maybe the modification is inside physics, so it won't fail except by running out of battery.
made fore the stairwell.
made for the stairwell.
... She took out the power as well. Woah.
difficult for beth
difficult for Beth
The furniture was missing, the pictures,
The furniture was missing, as well as the pictures,
[Or something like that. Just saying "the pictures" is a strange fragment?]
With Her mother
With her mother
If she's still there when her mother arrives... She'll get tased, but not die, due to her mutant super-ness saving her? ... Will she have to fight her mother? ... Will Beth just ram the car into the house?
surveillance of Her Dad’s
surveillance of her dad’s
She could come and go again. She still missed her old house and her old room.
Those sentences are so short, they feel like they should merge with something into a large sentence?
very little had survived the fire.
Very little had survived the fire.
Memeto loss is sad!
The news was talking about a power outage at the hospital where her mother was being held.
LOL! The irony of this paragraph!
You were at the store that day!
FFF! She remembers!
Ma’am Ah’m
Ma'am, Ah'm
She tossed aside the wig and looked at the girl’s real hair, a peculiar mixture of black and white mottled pattern.
Oh shit. ... And they are fighting! I was right! ... So sad if LeAnna accidentally, or even worse, intentionally, kills her mother.

twisting her head back ,
twisting her head back,
“Mom! It’s me! I AM LeAnna! Please, stop… please?” LeAnna implored her mother to listen, but it was no use.
oooh... This is heartwrenching!
They struggled on the floor, each wrestling for control. That’s when the loud bang echoed through the apartment, followed by silence.
And it blew up in Beth's hand... How close to their faces... Where'd the shrapnel go... Although, if Beth is an EX of some good number, she'd likely survive this...
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LeAnna sat down and looked ahead of her at where her mother was.
Oh... Beth died... I think...

You and I had good times. You helped me so much when I was little and I will remember that always. Whether it was learning to ride my bike, of taking me to my first day of school, or all the little things. I’ll never forget them.
:heart:
May you at long last rest in peace.
Woah.
June 15th. 1994
So... The statue was made in 4 days...
There was a loud bang, as the taser fired.
Tasers go bang, when the fire normally? Then again, Devisor-enhanced tasers aren't normal tasers.
She saw not an imposter, not a freak, she saw her daughter, beautiful in her new appearance. A tear trickled down her cheek.
Woah...
I’m so sorry, my precious girl, I’m so sorry. F..f…find your ..s..sisters, keep them s…safe. Carrie? Carrie.. I’m coming… wait for me, okay?”

Ever spoke
"ever spoke"
...
So, that's her mindset when she enters Whateley... Sorta hateful, sorta resentful, I guess. Explains a lot?
That ending, with Jeff! Woah.
- Rose Bunny
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High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Rose Bunny
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High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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And then, female only...
Judy being a hero! ... But how? Stop up her ears, like Siren counter?
- Rose Bunny
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High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- null0trooper
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Malady wrote:
Woah! [ Click to expand ] [ Click to hide ]Judy being a hero! ... But how? Stop up her ears, like Siren counter?
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- Malady
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Edit: No wait, there's Susan Chylds' father?
... How old do you have to be to have a defined sexually attactive gender??
- Rose Bunny
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High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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... And, if he's a mutant, might she be a mutant too?
I wonder if we'll see either of them in the future...
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
When I was 6, I knew of sex, I wasn't interested in it, but I knew about the whole "this is a vagina, and this is what it's for" thing. Growing up with a pervert like Jeff, Andy must have had enough second-hand knowledge from overhearing his lecherous ways. So even if she wasn't sexually mature, he triggered the "I gotta do what he says" response.Malady wrote: Right, and even though she didn't know what he meant by that (presumably), he did, and so, she could / did do it.
... And, if he's a mutant, might she be a mutant too?
I wonder if we'll see either of them in the future...
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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He has no eye change either? And whether he has other powers, is unknown... Plus, Eye Powers! Yeah! They're sorta rare.
And the mesmerizied also forget the commands, so... yeah... Interesting...
peaked > piqued
toLisa > to Lisa
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High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Anne
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- Malady
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That reveal at the end!
Wait... Loon song counters Attack Command?
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
Malady wrote: Yeah.
That reveal at the end!
Wait... Loon song counters Attack Command?
Perhaps?... There is another secret about LeAnna that will come into play here...
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or something else...Anne wrote: Maybe the fact that she is an avatar with a 'spirit' in residence gives her immunity?
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Rose Bunny
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and those words you hate to see appear...
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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He(r) lover, her girlfriend, her best friend was there, yet not.
Typo... And. Woah. That's gotta hurt!
between them [...] between them
The Repeat feels weird.
OH! So his eyes did change!
Woah. He's a murderer! Sorta didn't expect that!
Hmm... Did he father any children, I wonder...
Judy had broken things off with her due to the horrific false memories she had concocted under Jeff’s sway.
OH! So sad!
But, it's been over a month! And been sorta peaceful, I guess! No superfights and stuff!
- Rose Bunny
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Topic Author
I would have thought you would have more to say... especially with the last two words.
High-Priestess of the Order of Spirit-Chan
- Malady
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If you said you were gonna stop writing, and it was believable, ''then'' I'd be quite sad.
- null0trooper
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Rose Bunny wrote: I would have thought you would have more to say... especially with the last two words.
As Malady noted, LeAnna does appear elsewhere in your stories, so it's not like the character is being discarded - just that someone else now gets the spotlight for a while. It seems the character is now where they were intended to be at this place and time.
If you have an epilogue scene or chapter in which they are thinking back on this time in their life and how far they've come, or how it's come back to bite them in the tuchus for not progressing as they needed afterwards, this would be a good spot for that.
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- Wavehead
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I’m really glad I did wait, because reading it from start to finish worked really well for me.
Great story, enjoyed it immensely


Looking forward to more about LeAnna at Whateley

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