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Question Evershade - Reforming/Rebirth Discussion

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8 years 5 months ago - 7 years 6 months ago #1 by Polk Kitsune

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Reposting my old fanfic, piece by piece as I'm editting. Any comments, imput, or criticism, please go ahead. Now's the time to have an impact here.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

Last Edit: 7 years 6 months ago by Polk Kitsune.

8 years 5 months ago - 8 years 5 months ago #2 by Malady

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Polk Kitsune wrote: Reposting my old fanfic, piece by piece as I'm editting. Any comments, imput, or criticism, please go ahead. Now's the time to have an impact here.

I'm almost too surprised that the doctor doesn't assume mutation. Wait... He didn't get a blood test right? No eye changes... ... Okay... I guess the idea that its a new, non-mutation medical condition could work?

But, given canon, I find it just on the edge of breaking my suspension of disbelief, but not breaking fully, due to Reality is Unrealistic.

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Last Edit: 8 years 5 months ago by Malady.

8 years 5 months ago #3 by Polk Kitsune

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No eye changes (or so little, no one noticed), and there was a blood test. For now, I considered it as early development for the mutation, where very little signs were showing.

As for the doctor not going straight to 'mutation', as common as they are to us, as readers, mutations are supposed to be rare, and uncommon. Kyle hadn't shown any obvious mutant traits, nothing major, and even if he was a minor mutant, it might not affect his regular life enough. Doctor could have simply read it as a regular diagnostic.

Hrm. If there was a way to make it more obvious though, I would.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 5 months ago #4 by FiddlerFox

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Just a thought, but it could be that mutation tests are significantly more expensive medically speaking or for insurance claims, particularly since they're still trying to research and isolate the various genes in question. A lot of the early canon stories had more well to do backers/family friends/personal resources/etc. For an average every day family, medical expenses and diagnosis well.. just look at how expensive real world medicine is, even circa 2006/2007.

If you take the Occam's Razor approach, mutation is going to be the last thing on their mind with just a single symptom thus far.

"Uh-oh." "Don't tell me - we're about to go over a huge waterfall." "Yup." "Sharp rocks at the bottom?" "Most likely." "Bring it on."

BBOOOOOOOOYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

8 years 5 months ago #5 by Polk Kitsune

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Touche. Very true.

Now, if there were symptoms like bursting into fire, or rocky skin, it might be another story.

But so far, I've... Well, kept the powers low.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 5 months ago #6 by konzill

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I was going to say that him getting beat up on the bus wa a bit of a streatch. But then I did some googling and found this , among other stories.

8 years 5 months ago #7 by E M Pisek

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You'll find many more cases and remember what year its suppose to be taking place, so many buss's may not have cameras installed.

What is - was. What was - is.

8 years 5 months ago #8 by Polk Kitsune

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Indeed. And it's part of what I was trying to catch in this story. It's rough, it's brutal, and ugly. Josh may have been threatening, but he really was lucky... For now.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 5 months ago #9 by Valentine

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Reading the baseball practice scene was painful.

Diagnosing gynaecomasty seemed out of place only because of the speed of the growth, although the doctor may have assumed that Kyle had been ignoring any previous growth.

Don't Drick and Drive.

8 years 5 months ago #10 by Polk Kitsune

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Valentine wrote: Reading the baseball practice scene was painful.

Diagnosing gynaecomasty seemed out of place only because of the speed of the growth, although the doctor may have assumed that Kyle had been ignoring any previous growth.

Painful you say? In what way, if you don't mind me asking? Just looking in ways I can improve it. The better I know the issues, the better I can fix.

And true, it was a quick diagnostic, and you're also right, the doctor would think it would have taken time. We also have no picture on how many tests were completed.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 5 months ago #11 by Valentine

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Polk Kitsune wrote:
Valentine wrote: Reading the baseball practice scene was painful.

Diagnosing gynaecomasty seemed out of place only because of the speed of the growth, although the doctor may have assumed that Kyle had been ignoring any previous growth.
Painful you say? In what way, if you don't mind me asking? Just looking in ways I can improve it. The better I know the issues, the better I can fix..

Assuming this is in America, the terminology is off.
Baseball is "games" not "matches."
"field pitcher" should be "outfielder,"
"catcher's glove" would be either "second baseman's glove" or "shortstop's glove"
"make the safe of the century" should be "make the slide of the century"

Also the talk between the pitcher (Zack) and the batter seems too casual, they are 60 feet apart, usually the catcher and batter chat casually.

It is also hard to tell if this is a dream or real. The way it is written almost seems like a dream sequence.

Don't Drick and Drive.

8 years 5 months ago #12 by FiddlerFox

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I like it thus far. I agree, that some of the baseball terminology seemed off (I'm a football guy so I'm not as good to correct it) but it's definitely something that is an easy fix. The scenes worked just fine, I do agree that the pitcher/batter conversation isn't as likely due to distance. Batter/catcher would be more likely, unless there was a timeout or something going on.

I also noticed and am waiting for the story behind the rather large undisclosed elephant in the room, in that "Where is Mom?"

I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes.

"Uh-oh." "Don't tell me - we're about to go over a huge waterfall." "Yup." "Sharp rocks at the bottom?" "Most likely." "Bring it on."

BBOOOOOOOOYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

8 years 5 months ago #13 by shadeofred

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Are you planning to take this further past where you left it on the old site?

8 years 5 months ago #14 by Polk Kitsune

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Good notes on the terminology. I'll have to look into that. I'm more used to the French versions of the terms, so vocabulary doesn't always translate, but good to have some insight into that.

I hadn't thought too hard about the conversation between him and the pitcher though, mostly because the pitcher does have a bit of a bigger role into all of it. They are teammates, and it is a practice run, so I thought 'Why not'? I'll try to think of something then.

Chapter 0 was an extra thing though, one I added in from the old story, and no editors saw it. No second hands to slap me in the face with the obvious. ^^;

As for getting it further than before? Yes. Yes, I do hope so. I hope this editing process will kick in my inspiration to write more.

As for mom? Well, that would be future plans, but she's on my mind. ;3

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 5 months ago #15 by Valentine

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Polk Kitsune wrote: Good notes on the terminology. I'll have to look into that. I'm more used to the French versions of the terms, so vocabulary doesn't always translate, but good to have some insight into that.

I hadn't thought too hard about the conversation between him and the pitcher though, mostly because the pitcher does have a bit of a bigger role into all of it. They are teammates, and it is a practice run, so I thought 'Why not'? I'll try to think of something then.

Chapter 0 was an extra thing though, one I added in from the old story, and no editors saw it. No second hands to slap me in the face with the obvious. ^^;

As for getting it further than before? Yes. Yes, I do hope so. I hope this editing process will kick in my inspiration to write more.

As for mom? Well, that would be future plans, but she's on my mind. ;3

It would be possible for the batter and pitcher to yell things back and forth, and much more likely between friends at practice. The way you wrote it was just too casual, if that makes sense.

Don't Drick and Drive.

8 years 5 months ago #16 by Polk Kitsune

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Hrmmmm. I'll see what I can modify on that one. Bit busy right now, but will try to fix that up. But the more comments I get, the better I can make it.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 5 months ago #17 by Polk Kitsune

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Did the minor edits to chapter 0, put on the more proper terms, and put the discussion in all caps for more shouting.

Now the next one might require some heavier edits.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 4 months ago #18 by Polk Kitsune

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Another chapter re-posted. Rewrote a good section of it, which is why it took some time.

Any problems, or improvements, please let me know, I'll see what I can do. Any comments are appreciated. :3

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 4 months ago #19 by Dreamer

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The actions of the bigoted thugs, the fear of his friends rejecting him, the terror as they hunt and chase him, the brutality of the beating, and fear upon seeing his changes. All seem more intense due to different wording and pacing than in the original version of the story. Had me wishing I could help the poor kid and teach those thugs a lesson. Excellent work. Can't wait to read more.

Thank You for story comments appreciated and help me know me they are being read and liked.

Note: My story comments can't nor are trying to replace reading the stories, simply my way of enjoying them and letting the authors know I enjoy them.

8 years 4 months ago #20 by Polk Kitsune

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Thank you very much. ^^

I did try to rewrite some parts to add in a bit more dimension to it, without having to rewrite it all. The bathroom scene seemed like a BIG moment, a big chance for improvement, so I spent a lot of time there.

I do need to try and pick up some momentum though. Get a bit more speed.

But thank you so much for the comment. ^^

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 4 months ago #21 by Polk Kitsune

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Chapter 5 and 6 posted. The times where chapters got much, much longer. Not much to edit there, really...

Though that does mean I may have missed things. Again, comments are welcome. ^^

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 4 months ago #22 by shadeofred

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Could you post when you hit the point where it was at on the other site? I usually like rereading things, but I already read it twice, and I've gotten busier lately

8 years 4 months ago #23 by Polk Kitsune

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I could. Might be a bit though. I'm getting to longer segments, and I am re-reading as I go, to catch anything I could improve on, and remake.

But really, what should I do? Wait until I'm done with all of it, or post chapter by chapter as I'm done?

And thanks for re-reading twice. Really sweet to be appreciated. :3 And I totally understand being busy. TwT;

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 4 months ago #24 by shadeofred

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Just keep posting chapter by chapter for those new readers that may not have seen it before.

8 years 4 months ago #25 by ~Archangel~

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Welp just got around to reading Shade, I like it. The bit with bullies and wearing a bra, and the first beating seemed at bit extreme however with the second encounter with Zack and explanation of what happened to the other team, well that filled in the cracks nicely. The second attack, the planning that went into the attack, and the active hunt for Kyle seems all too believable when I recall various news stories about teen on teen violence. Interesting how the bullies knew what was happening to Kyle, before Kyle and his Doctor figured it out. It makes sense to, doctors are trained to go for simplest answer first, also mutants are rare, changelings are rarer still so well done there.

As Kyle's thoughts about his future and the loss of his future plans, going pro etc., very nice, the sudden realization that if he goes the superhero route he/she might end up being fuel for someone fantasies was a nice touch.

I would've like so see more about is family, especially Abby, she is like a surrogate Mom to the family but she has to more than that and having her background expanded would be nice and to see or at least have life other than family even in mention. The entire family seems to one that is used to making sacrifices for each other, It would be nice to have that filled in a little more if Kyle/Karen is going to be around his family for a bit. Or just have them stay in touch alot at Whateley.

The animated blood scene was nice even if I was getting a 'Thing' vibe, at least the blood isn't screaming or yelling, though when Karen has her first period we might heading for something uncomfortable.

All in all, bravo, brave. Looking forward to reading more.

Many people hear voices when no-one is there.
Some are called 'mad' and shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day.
Others are called 'writers' and they do pretty much the same thing.
-Ray Bradbury

8 years 4 months ago #26 by Polk Kitsune

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Thank you very much ^^ You got a lot of details there, and definitively shows how much attention you payed. :3

And yeah, it seems the beginning of the story is the part I really need to polish. Wish I had a bit of a better idea there. Glad you liked the explanation with Zack though, it did the job I wanted it to. ;3 Makes more sense on how things go afterwards.

As for the doctor, yeah. I f every doctors screamed "MUTANT!" at every strange teenagers with something new, Whateley would be a city, or doctors would be discredited quickly. I believe it was part of my original plans to make it so Kyle doesn't get branded as a mutant right away That it gets more complicated than easy street to a TG girl. I got a much more complex exploration through that.

And yes, thinking about the future, what she'd become later is a big part of it. The gender swap isn't just a loss of the male bit, it's a loss of identity, for some the loss of a lifelong dream. And now, Karen has to think about all of that.

Well, more of the family will be coming, for sure. :3 As for getting them a bit involved once Whateley hits is a tricky question. Letters, or phone calls, maybe?

Her first period? Oh my... To be honest, I thought she might not have to face her period, since she doesn't exactly loose blood... The question though, would be, when might be the period, between her losing blood, and it coming back... And which way? That would be one weeeeEEEEEeeeeEEEEeeeeiiiiiird sensation, I betcha.

And thank you. I hope to bring some more very soon ^^

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 4 months ago #27 by shadeofred

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~Archangel~ wrote: The animated blood scene was nice even if I was getting a 'Thing' vibe, at least the blood isn't screaming or yelling, though when Karen has her first period we might heading for something uncomfortable.

That's a very disturbing thought..... but I think the body would hopefully recognize waste products, such as unless her entire cell reproduction process halted, she would still be producing dead skin and hair and nail growth, etc.

8 years 4 months ago #28 by Polk Kitsune

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A good point, but then one would have to draw the line: what is waste, and what is still usable? What should come back to the body, and what should just remain away? It's something I've questioned since I started.

How much of a tooth is considered part of the body? What about nails? Or hair? Does she shed tears, have saliva, or go to the bathroom?

All things I have to take into account as I progress.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 4 months ago #29 by ~Archangel~

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Polk Kitsune wrote: A good point, but then one would have to draw the line: what is waste, and what is still usable? What should come back to the body, and what should just remain away? It's something I've questioned since I started.

How much of a tooth is considered part of the body? What about nails? Or hair? Does she shed tears, have saliva, or go to the bathroom?

All things I have to take into account as I progress.

Well just to toss my $0.02 since I opened the can of worms, the easiest would to rule that it only applies to living cells, that take care of nails and hair etc. Regenerating a tooth, well that is normal for Regenerators, but the pulp in a tooth is living tissue with nerves and blood vessels, so maybe the pulp comes to 'life' and returns home.

Now with menstruation, maybe because it is a natural process Karen's body will just wave 'bye-bye' or her body kills the cells that are leaving naturally, that would take care of waste products. Which would imply that her body keeps track of her cells, maybe wiping out the cells that are oldest most likely to fail, or assigning cells to eliminated based on how damaged they are.

Of course if you want to go for body horror there is always the option of discarded pads and tampons suddenly exploding as her blood realizes that it's been abandoned as it tries to breakout to get back home.

Many people hear voices when no-one is there.
Some are called 'mad' and shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day.
Others are called 'writers' and they do pretty much the same thing.
-Ray Bradbury

8 years 3 months ago #30 by Polk Kitsune

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Part 7 has been posted, and what a long post that was, had to split it in two, but here we are.

I do hope you all can enjoy. :3

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 3 months ago #31 by Dreamer

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Poor kid, further changes and his little sister calling him Sissy. Finding out not only does his blood come back to him, but his hair as well. And while with the help of Lauren the shopping trip wasn't so bad, it gave Zack a reason to spy on them. With Josh and his crew adding H1! help and the way the law and press seem to be against mutants, they will probably get away with attempted murder. Makes me sick knowing they will probably not be brought to justice.

Thank You for story comments appreciated and help me know me they are being read and liked.

Note: My story comments can't nor are trying to replace reading the stories, simply my way of enjoying them and letting the authors know I enjoy them.

8 years 3 months ago #32 by Polk Kitsune

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Quite possibly. Quite possibly.

But I'm afraid this is the kind of world they live in. It's how it happens, how views are made, and how some mutants end up. We see a lot of different mutant kids at Whateley, but one has to realize that those who make it there not only have the funds to do so, but have survived long enough to avoid the media, the crowds, or being captured by a villain of some sort. Just getting to the academy is lucky.

What makes it worse for Karen is that she doesn't have any real methods to defend herself either. What does she do? She heals fast. That's about it. No super strength, no telepathy, no martial arts, or breathing fire. And these aren't mutants either, these are just normal humans. Yes, in a gang, but still only normal.

I do realize the deck is stacked against her.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 3 months ago #33 by Polk Kitsune

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Part #8 is up. Didn't have anything near as much to edit.

It's... A rather rough one. Very rough.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 3 months ago #34 by Dreamer

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That was just brutal, Karen being torn apart over and over again, the act of a monster. If they try to charge her for harming Josh, there is no justice. She has to be a Regen-6, too fast for 5, too slow for 7. Wonder how she will pull out the black arms again in the future.

Thank You for story comments appreciated and help me know me they are being read and liked.

Note: My story comments can't nor are trying to replace reading the stories, simply my way of enjoying them and letting the authors know I enjoy them.

8 years 3 months ago #35 by Polk Kitsune

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Brutal indeed. No question about it. Though I'm afraid if it wasn't this brutal, I wouldn't have made the scene justice.

As for the police... Well, how would you call a scene where the boy has both legs under the ATV, bruised, and broken... And the girl doesn't even have a scar, no matter how ripped her clothes look like?

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 3 months ago #36 by Dreamer

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True but you have to take into account her hands are still chained to the ATV, how will that look to the authorities. They might suspect foul play but might think someone else who fled the scene did it.

Thank You for story comments appreciated and help me know me they are being read and liked.

Note: My story comments can't nor are trying to replace reading the stories, simply my way of enjoying them and letting the authors know I enjoy them.

8 years 3 months ago #37 by Polk Kitsune

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"So you mean to tell me we have one battered and-or bruised boy, and one unscathed girl? The boy stuck under the ATV, the girl chained to said ATV? And the girl is an unregistered mutant? And the girl says she's innocent? Should I call Muller and Scully?"

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 3 months ago #38 by shadeofred

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She would be a blast at halloween parties! Scare the shit out of people when a thing of black goo jumps out of the punch bowl.

Getting closer to the point where it left off!

8 years 3 months ago #39 by Polk Kitsune

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Heehee. True. Very true. Also makes for very good special effects for movies. May want to be careful though.

And that's right. Two more chapters, and then I'll have to come up with new material.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 3 months ago #40 by shadeofred

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Have you determined how aggressive the reassembly is? Would the goop be able to break out of a glass jar? Seep in between the crevices of a concrete wall?

8 years 3 months ago #41 by Polk Kitsune

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Yes, Yes, and Yes.

How fast it can break out, or move about all depends on how much there is present together, but eventually, it would find a way out, then slip out. Time and growth might also be a factor on how they behave, and although there are ways to slow it down, it will find a way, eventually.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 3 months ago #42 by shadeofred

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Hope the Goodkinds never get a hold of her. She would be the ultimate research specimen.

There has to be a limit as to what it can break through though. If not physical, then magical.

8 years 3 months ago - 8 years 3 months ago #43 by Polk Kitsune

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Indeed. Good question. And what would happen to Karen if said part did not come back to her?

There's also the question of how effects would apply. Fire? Acids? Freezing? Radiation?

Some of these sound dangerous though, and one might have to wonder if testing at the academy would even consider it.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

Last Edit: 8 years 3 months ago by Polk Kitsune.

8 years 3 months ago #44 by shadeofred

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Pretty sure Whateley doesn't have the normal means of evaluating past a regen 4. Usually a devise is used to determine the details past that. (Though I feel this is more of an easy out some writers use.)

I would imagine she would be considered a 5 if she can be harmed by the hazards you mentioned and a 6/6+ if not..... though I'm not sure if there is greater weight given to indestructibility or speed of recovery.

8 years 3 months ago #45 by Polk Kitsune

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I do understand a device might be used, but here's the trick part: Would the device be able to take a proper reading? Karen's body doesn't behave like other regens either. Some might say it's faux-regen, acted under shifting. It's something for debate.

Tricky to test too, since you don't want to risk killing, or scarring the student either.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 3 months ago #46 by Polk Kitsune

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And chapter 9 posted. I do hope you will enjoy reading.

I will admit... I've hesitated on doing a big edition decision on this one... But I decided to leave it as is.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 3 months ago #47 by hueloovoo

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So, I finally finished reading Shade: Reforming, and DAMN if that isn't a wild roller coaster ride! I love stories that make me experience a wide range of emotion, and this one does that to the extremes. Still feeling kinda twisted up inside even now! I can't wait to see more of it, you've got a lot of interesting threads to chase.

--Angie

8 years 3 months ago #48 by Polk Kitsune

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Heehee ^w^ Thank you! Thank you! Glad I was able to give you such a ride :3

So many possibilities, and I haven't even hit Whateley yet!

Now I just have to keep up the pace. >3

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 3 months ago #49 by Polk Kitsune

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Chapter 10 is up, and this would be the last of the previous material I had on hand.

Everything else will take some time, but will be brand new content, finally hitting Whateley proper.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 3 months ago #50 by hueloovoo

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Awww, that was a wonderfully bittersweet ending to this story. I can't wait for the next one, that hanging romantic tension is so thick you could cut it with a knife!

--Angie

8 years 3 months ago #51 by Polk Kitsune

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Heehee. ^^ Thank you! And indeed, the tension was high there. :3

And I'm not even at Whateley yet!

.... God, I'm going to have to plan out a lot of things for that one.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 3 months ago #52 by samquick

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Nice finish to the story. It's been torture re-reading the parts from way back when, waiting to get to the new material.

I saw you were fixing typos, and they were bothering me in chapter 10, so I read it again and found way more than I realized there were at first read. * ones appear more than once.
barrely -> barely
dissapeared -> disappeared *
accross -> across *
excersised -> exercised
tobaco -> tobacco *
launh -> launch
hapenned -> happened *
waist-leght -> waist-length
sseen -> seen
spagetti -> spaghetti
familair -> familiar
scisors -> scissors
frightenned -> frightened
reall -> real
Holly -> Holy
hsi -> his
meanth -> meant *
familly -> family
whinced -> winced *
fidn -> find
off tracks should be off track in the paragraph where Karen talks about her choices
cae -> care
lened -> leaned
embarassment -> embarrassment
glaced -> glanced
allrigth and allright -> all right or alright
appart -> apart
leats -> least
openned -> opened
fianlly -> finally
simling -> smiling
coudln't -> couldn't

8 years 3 months ago #53 by Polk Kitsune

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Holy Molly. oo;

I always have a feeling that I'll miss tyops, it always happens. Didn't expect this many. >3

Thanks for hunting them down. :3 I'll be busy.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 3 months ago #54 by shadeofred

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And now, the hard part! Integrating your character into a timeline and/or creating one of your own.

GL with that. True respect for authors that can take it from being a stand-alone story to properly integrated.

8 years 3 months ago #55 by hueloovoo

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That's often what trips me up, wanting to integrate but feeling like trying will just mess things up. Yay anxiety, woo. But you got this, you write awesome, detailed stuff!

8 years 3 months ago #56 by Polk Kitsune

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Heehee. Thanks. I'll admit, I do have some help at times, in order to get some details correct (I learned how valuable a proofreader can be at times), and a lot of these details, I was able to make thanks to a lot of freedom. Once hitting Whateley, I have to keep in mind what's already been built, and the characters around, so I have to be a lot more careful there, not to step on anyone's toes.

But... Well, minor spoilers, I suppose...

Considering if I had to integrate anything into the story, I would have had to get Karen in the middle of the year, it wouldn't exactly make sense. She'd have to either catch up to classes, or skip some all together, while paying fees she might struggle to pay. Since she's moved away from her home, she's in no direct, urgent need to run away to Whateley's protection.

So it makes much more sense to get her in as a new year student in September. Get her to a new group, new students at her level, etc.

Now the other question I have: Would it be during Team Kimba's years on campus? Or should I do it years after the Kimbas have graduated? Or flip it around, and make it before they ever arrived? I do have to wonder at times.

One way or another, I expect to be wrong at times. Just like there may be a whole lot of typos, I expect to make mistakes at various points, it's inevitable. But I have no doubts people will catch me, and tell me what I did wrong. It happens, and I'll try my best to correct things out.

So in a way, I'm counting on you. :3

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 3 months ago - 8 years 3 months ago #57 by Malady

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Polk Kitsune wrote: Or flip it around, and make it before they ever arrived?

Well, that's what I'm doing, but I've put in a new magic system into the world at the Sundering, so I can use that to say: "Butterflies!" and handwave anything I want to, basically.

You could go AU and say that the Bastard decided to buy time for reasons. ... If I'm doing that, I'm having a meteoroid drop itself on him. 'Cause I've got gods that can do that...

Or just say something along the lines of: "This is fanfic. Not even gonna bother to integrate anything other than basic setting info 'cause I don't want to run a World End Scenario."

EDIT: If you want to integrate, ask Domoviye or something. But, it's not like you need your charas to interact with Canon that much? And if they do, they should throw enough Butterflies to allow you to handwave a few things?

EDIT 2: You could literally go: "Karen stumbled into Chicago and set in motion events that would cause a tornado in New Hampshire." ... Weird, but weird enough that I, personally, would want to see where that fic is going.

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Last Edit: 8 years 3 months ago by Malady.

8 years 2 months ago #58 by Polk Kitsune

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Mmmnnn. Good points, good points... I'll have to think of things even more.

I do believe I'll set about a year or two after the Kimbas have arrived on campus. That way I can still make an entrance, without bumping too much on the cannon characters. If I do need it, or want it, I'll still have something, even if I have to hand wave it.

I may have to contact that person though, to integrate it properly.

And thanks again, Samquick, I did use the whole list of corrections to the last chapter.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 2 months ago #59 by shadeofred

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Dom's not the only person you could go to for this, but he probably has the most bandwidth to help you out, as the other prolific authors are much more involved in the official releases and all the stuff they have to do relating to that.

Other person I would recommend is Morph due to the sheer amount of stories produced and the various different universes (s)he contributed to.*

*:I'm always hesitant to use a pronoun until I know for sure how someone identifies

8 years 2 months ago #60 by Polk Kitsune

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Getting a little cold feet at the moment on asking them though, wondering if it means integrating in the actual cannon, getting references, or simply getting the fic so far in the library.

Also now wondering how many references I need to intro this properly. If I should use an official character, or make a new one. Might have to look at the wiki for some info.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 2 months ago #61 by shadeofred

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It's really up to what you want to do. I feel sometimes the interactions between fanfic and canon characters can get too.... rigid. Since you feel like you need to adhere to a certain character's traits, it leaves little room for developing relationships.

On the other hand, if you talk to some of the other fanfic authors, they might be cool for you to include their character alongside yours! Who knows, maybe that will provide the inspiration they need to further their own stories.

8 years 1 month ago #62 by Polk Kitsune

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It's been long enough, so I thought I'd at least give a quick status update. Next chapter is still progressing, and all though I had a... much smaller picture initially for this chapter, I'll have to cut it in half. I've had to fill in a lot more than I'd originally planned.

So far, I have 26 pages filled up, 8.5K word count so far, and I've got more to go, not to mention the editing necessary afterwards.

Just hoping it'll all be worth it.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

8 years 1 month ago #63 by DanZilla

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Thanks for the heads-up... I've enjoyed what you've written so far and I'm sure what you've got coming-up is worth the wait.

8 years 1 month ago #64 by Polk Kitsune

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Thank you for the praise, I really appreciate it. ^^ And I can only hope to meet expectations, so I'll be spending some extra time to iron things out. It's getting Karen introduced to Whateley, so things may start slow with the new material, but I hope to make something well worth reading.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 11 months ago #65 by Polk Kitsune

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And it's been a while, but update: next chapter of the fanfic has been written. Just going on a re-read, to make some edits myself, before passing it by some other editors. Might be a bit more, but it's soon coming up.

Current score:
Pages: 36
Wordcount 12,136

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 11 months ago #66 by shadeofred

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Good to hear from you! Looking forward to it.

7 years 10 months ago #67 by Polk Kitsune

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New chapter is up. Was considering making a new thread or not. Don't think I can just rename this thread though.

In any case, I do hope people enjoy the read.

Comments , questions and critiques are always welcome. I always look for ways to improve.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 10 months ago #68 by mhalpern

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Polk Kitsune wrote: New chapter is up. Was considering making a new thread or not. Don't think I can just rename this thread though.

In any case, I do hope people enjoy the read.

Comments , questions and critiques are always welcome. I always look for ways to improve.

Edit the first comment, I think

also good chapter

Any Bad Ideas I have and microscene OC character stories are freely adoptable.

7 years 10 months ago #69 by Polk Kitsune

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mhalpern wrote:
Polk Kitsune wrote: New chapter is up. Was considering making a new thread or not. Don't think I can just rename this thread though.

In any case, I do hope people enjoy the read.

Comments , questions and critiques are always welcome. I always look for ways to improve.

Edit the first comment, I think

also good chapter

Ooohhhhh. Did that, seems to have worked. Thanks. ^^

And thank you once more. I'm really glad to hear it was good.

Now to follow-up, and do better next time.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 10 months ago #70 by Jarjaross

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I love everyone's reactions to the hair trick.

My dreams take me to far off lands and times of distant past and future. They tell what has been done, what will happen and who I am. They show me things beyond the machinations of any man. Tell me, what are dreams to you?

7 years 10 months ago #71 by Polk Kitsune

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Jarjaross wrote: I love everyone's reactions to the hair trick.

Heehee. Thank you. ^^ I'm glad to hear that.

Though I wonder which reaction exactly. The part where Robin mourned the hair cutting, or the slack jaws, and stunned look in their eyes?

I'll admit, it just hit me how Robin would be the one who'd be most upset over the cutting. He'd probably have the most experience out of the four with it.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 10 months ago #72 by Jarjaross

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The scream.

My dreams take me to far off lands and times of distant past and future. They tell what has been done, what will happen and who I am. They show me things beyond the machinations of any man. Tell me, what are dreams to you?

7 years 10 months ago #73 by Polk Kitsune

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Heehee. Yeah :3 The reaction there was perfect, for someone who doesn't know what happens after.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 10 months ago #74 by shadeofred

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I enjoyed reading the chapter, but knowing the way new characters are integrated, I'm expecting a good portion of the next update will be completion of the tour...... ah well, no help for it.

7 years 10 months ago #75 by Polk Kitsune

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shadeofred wrote: I enjoyed reading the chapter, but knowing the way new characters are integrated, I'm expecting a good portion of the next update will be completion of the tour...... ah well, no help for it.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. ^^ Believe me, nothing makes me happier than to hear that.

As for the tour? I actually hope to skip a huge potion of it, maybe only highlight a little part, but then move on straight to the cottage for more character-focused moments.

Most readers here are already familiar with the tour, and the campus, so lucky for me, I don't have to go through it all over again. Heck, I already knew that most of what I did this chapter was follow a good chunk of the original introduction, In my mind, I couldn't make it otherwise, I had to go through it like this, in order to set up Karen's reaction, the characters she'd relate to, and so forth. I at least knew I'd be more original when putting the new characters in, and their backstories.

I know the most interesting parts will be when I introduce the plot, a disturbance in the works, but first I need to set up the backdrop, the settings for it all, and it may take a moment to get there, but I do hope it'll be worth it.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 8 months ago #76 by Polk Kitsune

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After some feedback, and a lot of pondering, I have a rewrite for chapter 8, or rather, part of it. The ending of it. A bit part of it felt like a cop-out, so I went and rewrote that bit, up to the end. It shouldn't change too much, I imagine.

For those who preferred the original, I left it in a spoiler section on the forum with it. It'll also allow people to spot where the changes kick in on this version.

Any thoughts on the new bit?

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 8 months ago #77 by Malady

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Polk Kitsune wrote: Any thoughts on the new bit?

Interesting! The pragmatic, smart mob-thing is really fresh!

Typos and stuff? [ Click to expand ]

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7 years 8 months ago - 7 years 8 months ago #78 by Polk Kitsune

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Malady wrote:
Polk Kitsune wrote: Any thoughts on the new bit?

Interesting! The pragmatic, smart mob-thing is really fresh!

Typos and stuff? [ Click to expand ] [ Click to hide ]

[Place the Original Ending at where the divergence begins? Right now, they both share the first 2 paragraphs. Or is that intended to show where the changes begin? ... Title the spoiler box with 'Original Ending', by changing the spoiler box markup from "spoiler" to "spoiler=Original Ending" ?]

No wonder(s) he didn't fear me by now.

They mustn't have expected the scared little girl to run in first, because the first swing connected right on the jaw of the front runner.

[So they started running already? It wasn't mentioned...]

Not wasting a second, I cut to the other side, and shoved my handle right into the next thugs' guts, cutting the air right out of his lungs just as he was putting his hand over my shoulder. He caught a hold of my shirt, but it ripped into another piece as I kept running for my target.

[Not wasting a second, I cut to the other side, and shoved my handle right into the next thug's guts, (cutting off his air out of his lungs / forcing the air out of his lungs) just as he was trying to grab me. He grabbed my shirt, but it tore away as I ran to my true target.]

arms legs

their mutophobia(s)

MY legs ?

Heehee. Thank you ^^ Glad it's an interesting twist.

The critique I was given, was that the thugs running away was a cop-out. I agreed, but then again, the flipside was her fighting off all of them, which was, quite frankly, impossible. A friend of mine also proposed her calling for help, but the location was far away in the woods...

Warning: Spoiler! [ Click to expand ]

My story: Evershade: Reforming

Last Edit: 7 years 8 months ago by Polk Kitsune.

7 years 8 months ago #79 by Quorry

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I just finished reading all the story so far. I like it, and the characters you've introduced are very interesting. It's always great to see what someone else has accomplished, so I can motivate myself to improve as well.

Can't wait to read more of this : )

7 years 8 months ago #80 by Polk Kitsune

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Thank you very much! I hope I can live up to the expectations. ;3 But I'll keep working hard, and now that Karen's hit Whateley, I got a lot more characters to write for.

I 'm very glad you enjoyed, and that I could inspire you.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 8 months ago #81 by Polk Kitsune

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Chapter 2 of Rebirth has been posted up. This one's again a bit more relaxing, doing a few more settings, a few intros...

This one hasn't gone through my usual proofreaders this time, and it might show, but with the new process for WhatIF, I thought it might be safer to post as is for now.

Again, comments and critiques are very, very welcome. Any feedback I can get is helpful. ^^

And I hope you all enjoy the read.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 8 months ago #82 by Naldru

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Well the first thing that I noticed is that at the beginning of Chapter 2 "we'd be living into for a while" should use the word "in" instead of "into". I'll look at it in more detail tomorrow.

7 years 8 months ago #83 by Polk Kitsune

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Hrmmm... First sentence, and already some editing done. This is why you get proofreaders. Nobody's perfect.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 8 months ago #84 by Jarjaross

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Why is it always the hair trick that gets me. I kinda want to see her use it in every chapter now, just for the reactions.

Also best part of this one was the aftermath. (Though it could have been credibly explained 'she asked what my powers were so I showed her' then repeating the trick)

My dreams take me to far off lands and times of distant past and future. They tell what has been done, what will happen and who I am. They show me things beyond the machinations of any man. Tell me, what are dreams to you?

7 years 8 months ago #85 by Polk Kitsune

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Jarjaross wrote: Why is it always the hair trick that gets me. I kinda want to see her use it in every chapter now, just for the reactions.

Also best part of this one was the aftermath. (Though it could have been credibly explained 'she asked what my powers were so I showed her' then repeating the trick)

Hehehehe. X3 Tempting, but I'm betting it would get old pretty quickly. And after what happened with Natalie, she might be a whole lot more careful about it. :3

And... True, that could have been a reasonable explanation, I don't think it woudl have come that easily. Mmmmnnn. I could add that in though.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 8 months ago #86 by Jarjaross

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You could start doing some variations of it. Like say a guy with energy blades threatens her, then to piss her off cuts off a huge chunk of her hair. Everyone around her starts acting sympathetic as she just laughs waiting for the hair to reattach.

My dreams take me to far off lands and times of distant past and future. They tell what has been done, what will happen and who I am. They show me things beyond the machinations of any man. Tell me, what are dreams to you?

7 years 8 months ago #87 by Malady

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Nice intro!

because this cutie might have had some cooties?"

Nice wordplay!

Typos for Part 2 [ Click to expand ]

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My Patreon. But, support the Crystal Hall 1st?

7 years 8 months ago #88 by Polk Kitsune

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Jarjaross wrote: You could start doing some variations of it. Like say a guy with energy blades threatens her, then to piss her off cuts off a huge chunk of her hair. Everyone around her starts acting sympathetic as she just laughs waiting for the hair to reattach.

Hehehe. I'll have to take it into consideration, but it certainly won't happen all the time. To say the least though, it's a mighty handy way to show off her regen, without doing something like cutting a finger, or opening a wound up. Much less painful... Unless you count emotional scars. ;3

But I shouldn't try to force it too much. ;3

Malady wrote: Nice intro!

Thank you very much. ^^ Got a few new characters in there too. Next chapter should be a bit more development, but I don't want either to show every single days at her stay in the school either. Gotta get some good plot going.

because this cutie might have had some cooties?"

Nice wordplay!

Heehee. Thank you. ^^

Typos for Part 2 [ Click to expand ] [ Click to hide ]

~~fort~~ (Fort) Knox

good into it

Sexyer -> sexier

goshipping -> gossipping (No double Ps)

Anytime to give my mental visitor -> Any time I can give my mental visitor

a pajama -> a pair of pajamas

you can do (it) with (Actually, it's You can go with him. my bad.)

stand my grounds

~~miss~~ (Miss) Horton

At least the list of typos has been reduced. TwT; Things are improving.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 8 months ago #89 by Jarjaross

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So I was rereading the the first chapter of rebirth (pretty much exclusively for the hair, yes I can be obsessive) and I came across the line about the French not being weak willed surrenders.

So interesting fact for anyone who cares, France got that reputation because Belgium fell even faster. Belgium fell so fast to the vastly superior (to the belgiums) German forces in WWII that France didn't have time to set up defences on that flank (they could not have set up the defences before because it would have been considered 'rude' to set up large military operations on your allies border). Would you blame a guy for losing a fight when he go hit from behind?

My dreams take me to far off lands and times of distant past and future. They tell what has been done, what will happen and who I am. They show me things beyond the machinations of any man. Tell me, what are dreams to you?

7 years 8 months ago #90 by Polk Kitsune

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Heeheehee. Someone really likes that hair bit. ;3

And yeah, I totally agree about the French being called cowards is a misinterpretation, possibly american-born, if TV Tropes is to be believed ( tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Chee...tingSurrenderMonkeys ). What doesn't help, is that those who keep pushing this keep claiming that France has never won a war, but digging a little deeper gives some rather different war stories, painting under much different colors. There's a reason people remember Napoleon. The French are... Stupidly stubborn. I should know.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 8 months ago #91 by Jarjaross

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Polk Kitsune wrote: Heeheehee. Someone really likes that hair bit. ;3

I fully admit that I will probably reread the whole thing every time a new chapter comes out just for all of the hair scenes.

My dreams take me to far off lands and times of distant past and future. They tell what has been done, what will happen and who I am. They show me things beyond the machinations of any man. Tell me, what are dreams to you?

7 years 8 months ago - 7 years 8 months ago #92 by Esar

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Well, it was a fun ride. I have caught up with everything you have written so far about Karen. I don't exactly know how it works (i haven't really searched about it, my bad) but i hope you will be featured in the WhatIF section of the website one day (if you wish to do so). It would put your story under the spotlight, especially for those who don't really adventure into the forum's territory. (i admit i am not exempt of this particular problem, i haven't read that much fan fiction/WhatIF since i have begun to read the canon material).

I am beginning to think that i should take notes as i read a story, it would help provide better feedback on the story as a whole.

Anyway, i particularly like the scenes in which you played with the readers's expectation. I am thinking more specifically about the first signs of mutation. It was quite clever to use the little sister to "deceive" the reader. (Also, i am quite fond of Gabby in general as a character. I am weak to cuteness.)

I wonder if we will see more of the characters introduced in the first Book/part. (and if yes, how. Not directly obviously.) I understand that the fact that they don't show up after the "origin story" in this kind of story can help illustrate the demarcation between the two lives, that in the process the main character has lost a lot of things and gained others. I don't think she will be able to spend her hollidays in her hometown with her childhood friends.

The batch of freshmen you have introduced so far is quite promising.

When i began to read the first bits about Noelle, in a way i was "worried" (for a lack of better term) that she would end up a sidhe, of course you trampled this. The yuki-onna spirit is a nice addition to the Whateley lore. The spirit's confusion caused by poe's gender diversity was interesting.

Robin showed us an aspect we are not really used to seeing : the problems caused by the gender change to a F2M changeling. Well, we have seen some aspects of it thanks to Phoenix spiritus taking Lancer under his/her/their wing. I don't know how far you will explore it but the introduction was already quite interesting in that regard.

I admit i was puzzled by karen's declaration that she now really wanted to be a girl. But she must have processed her thoughts on the matter during the time skip. i was expecting something more along the lines of "Don't pay attention to what i have between my legs, try to know me and then treat me as an individual". Or maybe it is in fact "only" karen wanting to be "Normal" and not really about her gender. If she could be fully a boy or fully a girl, what would she choose ?

I agree, the hair trick is nice. This power is powerful in term of imagery. I endorse the use of blood pourring out of a wall, trying to rejoin Karen. Her power raises a lot a question so far (it's only the start of the schoolyear after all).

Thanks.

Last Edit: 7 years 8 months ago by Esar.

7 years 8 months ago #93 by Polk Kitsune

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Wow. What wonderful feedback. I really like it~ Notes does help, been there when doing reviews too, but you never know if a story is worth it until you read it.

And yes, I do want to be part of WhatIF, in fact, I put up Shade Rebirth up for official feedback and review, befor eI make any more heavy edits, if needed.

I'm very glad you took the time to read, even happier you had a good time. ^^

Yes, I did hope to play a lot on the expectations. I tried to make a few good turns, and use some of the tropes to turn things around. It's fun, and does give more retrospect.

And yes, Gabby is adorable. I tried. ^w^

It does tear me apart to... well, pull them apart, but this is a Whateley story. But I will find a way to put some of them in, somehow. Parent's Day might be a good one. Just imagine Gabby running around, seeing the mutant campus. Oh my...

Glad to hear Noelle was a good surprise. ^^ And even as a concept of a Yuki-Onna, she's pretty unique in her own right. Plus let me put some use to my native language. ;3

And it's true we don't see very many FtM usually. Robin may be a very interesting experience... But this story does have a focus on Karen, so it may be a little limited on what I could explore.

As for Karen, it's true that "Don't pay attention to what i have between my legs, try to know me and then treat me as an individual" is a great mental mindset, it's a lesson she may have to learn... Eventually. How well, and how soon, that may be the question.

As for between a boy and a girl? There's more than just sexual preference involved in there. Right now, if she had a choice, IF she had a choice, she'd go for being a full boy. It's familiar territories. It's what she's spent her whole life as.

But right now, she doesn't get that choice. And between being treated as a girl, and as a herm... She'd rather be taken as something normal.

Which reminds me of something mentioned in the Purple book. How herms faced a bit of a unique stigma. How they could both feel disfigured, yet still thought of as 'pretties' by the GSD groups. That's a very, very lonely place to be at.

Oooohhh. Bleeding through the walls, Interesting effect. I'll have to think up a good bit for it, if I can fit it.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 8 months ago - 7 years 8 months ago #94 by Esar

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Polk Kitsune wrote: Which reminds me of something mentioned in the Purple book. How herms faced a bit of a unique stigma. How they could both feel disfigured, yet still thought of as 'pretties' by the GSD groups. That's a very, very lonely place to be at.

Only a few stories, even for the main cast (We have Ayla, Lilly and Chou's POV on it only i think), depict the " Day of Remembrance " ceremony in Poe. It had had quite an impact on Ayla, who had to read Transect's story at the time. I think, if you want to take a shot at it, your own version could also be very emotionally charged.

Ayla 4: Ayla and the Tests

Warning: Spoiler! [ Click to expand ]

Last Edit: 7 years 8 months ago by Esar.

7 years 8 months ago #95 by Polk Kitsune

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Oh yes. I remember that bit. Very, very emotional, very strong. It made a point, and made it extra strong. Very well done.

And yeah, I will have to find some time to make it happen. It will likely have a very strong impact. In fact, you might say she's already lived through her own event. She may have survived, but her picture could have been up there... Or maybe not, because no one would have found her body had she died.

So yes, I will have to put it there. It might be too important to miss.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 7 months ago #96 by Polk Kitsune

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Was thinking of redoing the title, and... Well, I may keep Reforming, and Rebirth... But how does the codename 'Evershade' sound like? Probably not copywrighted?

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 7 months ago #97 by Jarjaross

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Very much believe that would be taken. You're not just contending with DC/Marvel, you also have all of the other MIDs to look out for. Anything related to shadows (evershade) will have been taken by someone emo a while ago.

My dreams take me to far off lands and times of distant past and future. They tell what has been done, what will happen and who I am. They show me things beyond the machinations of any man. Tell me, what are dreams to you?

7 years 7 months ago #98 by Polk Kitsune

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Maybe. But Shade is directly taken by DC. Evershade... Well, a quick google search, the two top results is Evershade Valley, from Nintendo, the name of a stage/world... And Ever Shade, a novel. Unfortunately, there's not always a chance to be perfectly original... Unless someone might have a better codename for her?

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 7 months ago #99 by shadeofred

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You could do something more related to her trait of everything returning to her. Like convergence or something.

7 years 7 months ago #100 by Malady

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shadeofred wrote: You could do something more related to her trait of everything returning to her. Like convergence or something.

Well, the precise process isn't "Regeneration", as nothing's being generated... Assimilation... I guess the best word(s) to describe Not!Shade's form of healing would be "Reformation" or "Return To Me" or something.

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7 years 7 months ago #101 by Polk Kitsune

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Considering Reforming is part of the title, it's certainly part of her set, especially fitting, considering the new shape she comes under, but how would one make a codename out of it. Convergence... Mmmnn. It's interesting, I don't know it it's a perfect fir though.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 6 months ago #102 by Polk Kitsune

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Oh! Right. I forgot about these. Not sure if I've posted them here on the new forum previously, but considering...

These were some of the commissions I asked that relate to Karen, and the story here.

Kyle XX commission (Mildly NSFW) : What I had asked once to be the title card for Evershade: Reforming, by Drunkfu.
Karen 1 : Karen, a bit later on, once she might have a better hold of her powers. A little off, but very good nonetheless.
Karen 2 : Still Karen, and this time, with the arm, there was a little bit of miscommunication, but I liked it nonetheless.

And I may be adding another picture soon, possibly a title card for Rebirth... Possibly.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 6 months ago #103 by GrimGrendel

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I could read new character arrivals at Whateley all day long. First impressions and all, individual introductions, original and engaging new characters, the quick bonding that is so precious to Poe cottage. I have a weak spot for all of these. I just plunged right into the reading, and when I laid back in my chair afterward, I noticed I hadn't writen a single line of comment. I love this part of Whateley so much that I can't bring myself to be objective about it. Sorry for being selfish on this one, but I simply deeply enjoyed those two chapters, so no constructive review today. (─‿‿─)

Up for review: Magpies 1 - Flock (Part 1)

7 years 6 months ago #104 by Polk Kitsune

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Heehee. My. Quite a reaction anyhow. ;3 I know it's greedy, but just that reaction is sweet enough. I know I copied a lot from the original welcoming part of Whateley, but I felt I needed to have this entry. I had to have Karen arrive, and make new friends. I do have some reasons.

Hopefully, I'll have the next chapter up soon. I was thinking of extending it to the first cliffhanger I had in mind, but considering the length, and what you mentioned before, I think I can cut this one much earlier.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 6 months ago #105 by Polk Kitsune

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The next chapter has been written up, but not put up yet, until I get some minor proofreading first. It's not as long as I originally wanted it to be, I was hoping to get to a specific plot point first, but I can save that for chapter 4. This one here though, is more than long enough.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 6 months ago #106 by Polk Kitsune

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Next chapter has been posted up. Might still have some editing possibilities there, so if anyone has comments, or ideas, I'm open to suggestions... And the tyops that have probably been left over, I'm sure there's some still.

Not the most exciting chapter, but some testing had to be done.

I do hope everyone reading enjoys. ^^

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 6 months ago - 7 years 6 months ago #107 by Malady

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Well, Lionel's speech is a bit weird, like 'desire' instead of 'want', but he seems to be a quirky person?

That's when I heard a snipping sound behind me, followed by a slow slurp. "Mmmnnn. So the reports were accurate." Dr. Bowie mumbled. "Even the hair follows the same rules."

Lionel grumbled. "Evershade, could you turn ninety degrees to your left? Dr. Bowie, can you repeat, so the cameras can record the procedure?"

"Certainly," she added with a hint of sarcasm. "All you needed to do, was ask nicely."

So sudden!

! ... ... Bowie, like Bowie Knife? ... It'd be weird if the docs were dating... But funny too!

Also, cool having two Karens in the story.

There was another snip, and I caught a glimpse of Bowie slipping the clip of hair in her thermos, before sealing it. "What are you doing?"

That's a strange non-chalant way of sample handling, putting it in a thermos, that is likely empty of coffee though... ... I forget if I've ever said that whenever Karen does her hair-cutting demo, I always think she's gonna cut her arm or something, like a typical regen example. But, I guess that's part of the fun of reading this series.

"Ah yes. Old and reliable, they say," she mumbled morosely, as they started sticking all sorts of diodes to the suit's circuitry.

"Something wrong?" I just had to ask.

Bowie was about to fill me in, but Lionel cut her off first. "She's simply upset that the department denied her cosmetic changes to this test in peculiar."

She snerked, and shrugged. "I still say it's an improvement on an obsolete technology."

"Karen, I-" Lionel sighed. "Look, we don't need to make gigantic hamster wheels. It won't go. We have perfectly working equipment here, fully functional, proper view, and we don't need to make the students feel like lab rats."

Bowie just crossed her arms, and lifted her nose up. "You just don't get it, do you? It's elegance in the workings. It's be so much better, so simpler, and you can do so many things based on it."

! Doc Bowie seems to be set to be a barrel of laughs!

... And then the font changes after this part. Weird.

There are also more typos... The Changing Cards is some pretty cool tech, unless it's magic. If it's tech, it might sell pretty well?

Bowie waved her hand. "But that's something for another date. In the meantime, should we crank up the speed for a few minutes? See how long you can-er..."

Her glance shifted to the side, and we looked over, to see a little black blob wiggling it's way down the floor, hopped over to my leg, and climbed back up to it's place in my mane of hair.

"What just happened?" Bowie just had to ask.

"I do believe," Lionel noted. "That you had a containment failure. Would you like your hat with a hint of barbecue or mustard? My treat."

Ha!

Bowie returned with her thermos, container in one hand, lid in the other, examining both carefully. "Considering the lab, and our presence, I doubt either one of you opened this?" She got a few shaked heads. "Then those may be very clever for cells. They opened it from the inside."

"What makes you say that?"

The doctor pointed at the lid. "The rubber ring to seal it is intact, and there are no breaks in the threads. Those should have been the weak points to get through, but instead, the cap was pulled off. It would need to make a structure inside to brace itself to the cylinder and the cap, and twist each other off." She frowned. "I do wish I had a clear container, so we could have recorded it in action."

OMGWTFBBQ?!?!?

I squeezed the grip as hard as I could. I could see the needle struggle a bit deeper, harder. It was digging in my skin, but I kept on going. I was determined to show what I could do.

But determination wasn't enough to impress Doctor Bowie. "Nothing here. Check."

What's going on here?? Gotta stop around here. Got to the list of stuff, though. ... Maybe it'll make sense later... The needle makes me think some kind of penetration regen test. But why, okay, 'digging in my skin' is the grip, not the needle? As latest subject was the needle, made me think it was the needle. Grip Strength test I guess. Unlikely to be for Black Arms, though.

Gonna just keep reading now, though... Nevermind, Rapid rereads make typos more glaring and irritating...

Typos? [ Click to expand ]

... I'm not your only beta am I? If I am, then it's better to just post here and have me respond on comments? It feels more important when it's got more viewers? And a bit easier to comment this way?

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Last Edit: 7 years 6 months ago by Malady.

7 years 6 months ago #108 by GrimGrendel

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Malady wrote: ... I'm not your only beta am I?

Not anymore it seems

Thanks for the chapter!

Section by section comments [ Click to expand ]

Afterwords [ Click to expand ]

Typos [ Click to expand ]

Up for review: Magpies 1 - Flock (Part 1)

7 years 6 months ago #109 by Polk Kitsune

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Hehehe. I've had a few friends take a look before posting it here. You're not the only ones, but you're certainly giving me a lot more feedback, parts by parts, and everyone seems to spot different typos, and fixes.

Glad to see Bowie is having the wanted reaction. X3 I've had similar results with Emilly when she first came in, and it's part of why I wanted to have her come back in Reforming's chapter 9.

As for the hair demo, yes, I do wonder at times if I shouldn't go for another method of demonstrating, but cutting a finger, or cutting the skin would be quite painful, so the alternative with hair is probably much more preferred.

... And if I'd have to go for skin, the ear would likely be easier to cut. Less bones and muscles to go through >> <<

Not sure what to say about the font changes though. Let me try to fix that.

And yes, that is based on the impossible quiz found on the internet. >3

Mmmnnn. Hydrophobic clothing, maybe. A possibility I wouldn't go against, but then after, it becomes less an issue with making an arm, and more about the integrity of it's form. Would it be as strong as one without the cloth in the way?

Glad to see you're enjoying the chapter. :3 And the typos have been fixed.

Hrmmm.. And yes, the grip test should have been worded better. Hindsight, I suppose. Tried another wording, how does that look?

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 6 months ago #110 by GrimGrendel

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The hair demo is the perfect demo because it is both flashy and painless. I think I would shiver in empathetic pain every time if Karen started cutting her ear just to show of.

Oh, I hadn't thought about the integrity of her arms. Hm. If she controls her shifting enough, she could change to a liquid state to pass through clothes, then solidify outside of it? I'll wait and see on that one.

The wording is definitely better. How about changing "skin" for "hand" just to make it extra obvious what it is she is doing?

Up for review: Magpies 1 - Flock (Part 1)

7 years 4 months ago #111 by Polk Kitsune

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I now have a new picture, and possibly a cover page for Rebirth. Here's a look at Karen.

This was commissioned from DangerCat. You can find their DA page here: danger-catt.deviantart.com/

My story: Evershade: Reforming

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7 years 4 months ago - 7 years 4 months ago #112 by Malady

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Only one problem-ish-thing.

You talked about white and black arms. She's not white, she's brown.

You could change your phrasing to match, but then her mutation changes her ethnicity? But, Caucasian-ness is not that important to the story?

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Last Edit: 7 years 4 months ago by Malady.

7 years 4 months ago #113 by Jarjaross

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Okay first of all I can't believe I missed an update. I know I've had a hectic couple of months but I should have caught it.

Secondly, gruuuugh. You are safer than others might be eidetic memories (the scientific term for photographic memory, the only reason you are safer is because you called it photographic) don't work that way. I know I have one. They aren't as good as you describe. They aren't as good as anyone describes. Actually without eidetic recall (which I don't have) they are borderline normal. Eidetic memories don't deteriorate overtime. Thats it. I remember everything, but it is still harder to recall less frequent things.

Before anyone sugguests I don't have one, every psychiatrist/psychologist I've been to who has tested memory has stated that I have one.

My dreams take me to far off lands and times of distant past and future. They tell what has been done, what will happen and who I am. They show me things beyond the machinations of any man. Tell me, what are dreams to you?

7 years 4 months ago #114 by GrimGrendel

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Great picture of Karen! Me likey!

Jarjaross wrote: Secondly, gruuuugh. You are safer than others might be eidetic memories (the scientific term for photographic memory, the only reason you are safer is because you called it photographic) don't work that way. I know I have one. They aren't as good as you describe. They aren't as good as anyone describes. Actually without eidetic recall (which I don't have) they are borderline normal. Eidetic memories don't deteriorate overtime. Thats it. I remember everything, but it is still harder to recall less frequent things.

I thought the exemplar package came with photographic memory at the higher levels, even if that's not how eidetic memory works in the real world. I remember at least Thuban mentioning it as part of his package, and Ayla does pull out feats of memory from time to time.

Up for review: Magpies 1 - Flock (Part 1)

7 years 4 months ago #115 by Jarjaross

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GrimGrendel wrote: Great picture of Karen! Me likey!

Jarjaross wrote: Secondly, gruuuugh. You are safer than others might be eidetic memories (the scientific term for photographic memory, the only reason you are safer is because you called it photographic) don't work that way. I know I have one. They aren't as good as you describe. They aren't as good as anyone describes. Actually without eidetic recall (which I don't have) they are borderline normal. Eidetic memories don't deteriorate overtime. Thats it. I remember everything, but it is still harder to recall less frequent things.

I thought the exemplar package came with photographic memory at the higher levels, even if that's not how eidetic memory works in the real world. I remember at least Thuban mentioning it as part of his package, and Ayla does pull out feats of memory from time to time.

Yeah, and no one goes into the memory tests which is why I don't get POed.

My dreams take me to far off lands and times of distant past and future. They tell what has been done, what will happen and who I am. They show me things beyond the machinations of any man. Tell me, what are dreams to you?

7 years 4 months ago #116 by Polk Kitsune

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Malady wrote: Only one problem-ish-thing.

You talked about white and black arms. She's not white, she's brown.

You could change your phrasing to match, but then her mutation changes her ethnicity? But, Caucasian-ness is not that important to the story?

If you're mentioning about the picture's skin color tone, this one may be closer to the artist's style and color choices. If you look at previous pictures I linked up, you'll see a much whiter complexion from other artists.

As for why I didn't ask it to be corrected, I didn't think it was THAT brown.

Jarjaross wrote:
GrimGrendel wrote: Great picture of Karen! Me likey!

Jarjaross wrote: Secondly, gruuuugh. You are safer than others might be eidetic memories (the scientific term for photographic memory, the only reason you are safer is because you called it photographic) don't work that way. I know I have one. They aren't as good as you describe. They aren't as good as anyone describes. Actually without eidetic recall (which I don't have) they are borderline normal. Eidetic memories don't deteriorate overtime. Thats it. I remember everything, but it is still harder to recall less frequent things.

I thought the exemplar package came with photographic memory at the higher levels, even if that's not how eidetic memory works in the real world. I remember at least Thuban mentioning it as part of his package, and Ayla does pull out feats of memory from time to time.

Yeah, and no one goes into the memory tests which is why I don't get POed.

Hmmmmnnn. Interesting point, I'll admit. I'll have to blame my lack of education on the topic, since everywhere I read about similar topics even outside Whateley, it's described as photographic memory, and treated as such. As Grim mentioned, even in Ayla stories, it's called the same way, so familiar terms may apply.

But would you mind explaining what makes Eidetic Recalling different? And what would have made the testing proceed differently?

Heehee. And thank you, GrimGrendel. ^^ I'm so glad how she turned out.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 4 months ago #117 by Malady

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Polk Kitsune wrote:
Malady wrote: Only one problem-ish-thing.

You talked about white and black arms. She's not white, she's brown.

You could change your phrasing to match, but then her mutation changes her ethnicity? But, Caucasian-ness is not that important to the story?

If you're mentioning about the picture's skin color tone, this one may be closer to the artist's style and color choices. If you look at previous pictures I linked up, you'll see a much whiter complexion from other artists.

As for why I didn't ask it to be corrected, I didn't think it was THAT brown.

Well, it's a good picture, it's just not what I expected from reading the story. There's a lot of purple and black, I guess to resonate with her eyes being purple and the black arms. Which is cool!

And 4 black arms! ... Okay, honestly, when I read the white and black arms section, I was thinking that she spawned another set of arms that were alabaster white... Perhaps change that from "white" to "natural" or something?

Wait...her power is not just regen, 'cause she's got the arms?

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7 years 4 months ago #118 by Polk Kitsune

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I thought the purple fit real well with her, though I may have come in strong with her. X3

And I do see about the white arms, I may have to be a bit more clear, but all the extra, non-human arms are black, like the goo that would come from her.

And yes, I did go for four arms, I could have come with more, but we thought it was a good number. Of course, right now, she's not exactly familiar with it...

And in a fashion, yes, it does mean she has more than just the regen factor. Ever since chapter 8, I've had those arms come up, so I can't just ignore them either. She will grow, and become more talented as she goes.

But those extra arms, right now, are rather unreliable. She's only pulled them out when her arms are bound, and how often would that happen? She's not going to be walking around on handcuffs all the time. She'd need something to stop her arms, restrain them, while she mentally tries to move them, like... Huh... Looking at the picture, this was supposed to be a change for the artist, but it turned into a nice little accident... Cool!

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 4 months ago #119 by Jarjaross

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Polk Kitsune wrote:
Jarjaross wrote:
GrimGrendel wrote: Great picture of Karen! Me likey!

Jarjaross wrote: Secondly, gruuuugh. You are safer than others might be eidetic memories (the scientific term for photographic memory, the only reason you are safer is because you called it photographic) don't work that way. I know I have one. They aren't as good as you describe. They aren't as good as anyone describes. Actually without eidetic recall (which I don't have) they are borderline normal. Eidetic memories don't deteriorate overtime. Thats it. I remember everything, but it is still harder to recall less frequent things.

I thought the exemplar package came with photographic memory at the higher levels, even if that's not how eidetic memory works in the real world. I remember at least Thuban mentioning it as part of his package, and Ayla does pull out feats of memory from time to time.

Yeah, and no one goes into the memory tests which is why I don't get POed.
Hmmmmnnn. Interesting point, I'll admit. I'll have to blame my lack of education on the topic, since everywhere I read about similar topics even outside Whateley, it's described as photographic memory, and treated as such. As Grim mentioned, even in Ayla stories, it's called the same way, so familiar terms may apply.

But would you mind explaining what makes Eidetic Recalling different? And what would have made the testing proceed differently?

Heehee. And thank you, GrimGrendel. ^^ I'm so glad how she turned out.

First of all sorry for the late response. I have been busy today, didn't log in till now.

Eidetic memory: you remember everything. No qualifiers. Your memory is not affected by normal memory degradation, so any memory you have will not be altered by the passage of time, except for the minor loss between short and long term. (This can lead to really weird scenarios, I have no concept of how much time has passed since significant points in my life, because as far as my mind is cincerned they happened yesterday.)

Eidetic recall: you can recall anything at the drop of a hat, but your memories suffer the same deterioration that other people do.

Both: this is sometimes called true photographic memory. You remember everything and can recall it at will.

My dreams take me to far off lands and times of distant past and future. They tell what has been done, what will happen and who I am. They show me things beyond the machinations of any man. Tell me, what are dreams to you?

7 years 4 months ago - 7 years 4 months ago #120 by Malady

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Jarjaross wrote: .Eidetic memory... (This can lead to really weird scenarios, I have no concept of how much time has passed since significant points in my life, because as far as my mind is cincerned they happened yesterday.)

What. Hmm... I'd say there's something wrong about that, but I wouldn't know.

What about the different types of memory... [Ah. Edit: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memory#By_information_type Declarative vs. Procedural at least.] I think that some of "when did this happen" is some sort of factual knowledge that should semi-separate from the experience, so like, you know that you had some job as your first job, vs. your current job, or that you got married at some and such time... But, not sure... Depends on what you label "significant points"...

Like, you should at least know that you weren't on vacation yesterday or something...

Some examples to contrast perfect memory vs perfect recall, please? I guess, people that have either can remember like... "What did you have for breakfast?" perhaps. The P-Recall would be able to answer immediately, but the P-Memory might need to think about it?

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Last Edit: 7 years 4 months ago by Malady.

7 years 4 months ago #121 by Polk Kitsune

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Jarjaross wrote: First of all sorry for the late response. I have been busy today, didn't log in till now.

Eidetic memory: you remember everything. No qualifiers. Your memory is not affected by normal memory degradation, so any memory you have will not be altered by the passage of time, except for the minor loss between short and long term. (This can lead to really weird scenarios, I have no concept of how much time has passed since significant points in my life, because as far as my mind is cincerned they happened yesterday.)

Eidetic recall: you can recall anything at the drop of a hat, but your memories suffer the same deterioration that other people do.

Both: this is sometimes called true photographic memory. You remember everything and can recall it at will.

No worries for the lateness. Things happen. I'm just happy I got a response. ;3

Mmmnnn. It's as I thought. And I can see how that'd be quite troubling if you only have the permanent memory.

At least I've established that she does have a very, very good memory, even if short term. Further testing might reveal that she does have a complete photographic memory. I could either edit this testing scene to make sure to show the different between Eidetic Recall and Eidetic Memory, or I can explain that part in the future testing, when they gauge how good it is.

Hrmm... Now the other question would be if she can have the full package or not. Would she be able to be trained to focus her recall? Questions, questions...

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 4 months ago #122 by Jarjaross

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@Polk Kitsune: I may have been a bit harsh. There are certainly things that would be basically impossible with just an eidetic memory, but other things were better. For instance I would have known that the extra card wasn't in what they had shown me, but listing off the exact order would be impossible without eidetic recall. I also would have been able to pick out the 4 aces rather quickly but not perfectly.

If she has eidetic recall she (from what I know, I don't know much) could have listed off the order, short term memory is better than long term so it would be pretty easy.

@Malady: I can tell you how long ago something happened if I can reconstruct every time period between now and then. The more time between now and the point I want to remember the harder it is to do that because of lack recall. 'Significant point' are just points of memory I recall frequently.

Sometimes having an eidetic memory is basically an advanced version of 'something is wrong here, I can feel it'. I could enter a classroom with assigned seating and know someone was in the wrong spot, without actually being able to tell you who.

Other times it is having wikipedia in my head. I have the information, I can tell you details of the information, I do not have a source.

I think the best way to describe how my memory works is the map in my feet. I only need to walk somewhere once and I know not only how it connects to other paths in my head but also how to get back home or any other near by location that is already in the map. ButI have no concept of how far I've walked or what direction I'm going (other than toward or away from my destination, even then I don't know what direction my destination is in, just whether I have made progress towards it). I also couldn't give someone directions to get somewhere. I know how to get there because I remember it, but I can't explain the path because my brain doesn't process a path, it just knows where to turn,

My dreams take me to far off lands and times of distant past and future. They tell what has been done, what will happen and who I am. They show me things beyond the machinations of any man. Tell me, what are dreams to you?

7 years 4 months ago #123 by Polk Kitsune

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@Jarjaross: No worries if you were harsh, it wasn't too much, and I got to dive in a bit deeper on the topic. And I get that it's also a personal matter for you, so it's sticking out in your case.

Otherwise, I also have a bit of an update fro the story: the next chapter's rough draft has been written up. I'll review it again, have a proofreader, then I'll post here. I can only hope it has the kind of impact I hope it will pack. X3

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 4 months ago #124 by Polk Kitsune

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Chapter 4 has been posted. As usual, I hope you all enjoy reading. I just hope I put the right punch in this one...

I know it's a bit close to the holidays, but I had to post it now. Any comments and critiques are welcome. Thank you for reading. ^^

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 4 months ago #125 by Malady

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I thought Dissent was gonna be Carmilla, from the appearance, but no.

She's really philosophical and smart and stuff...

I was thinking it'd be Powerpuff Girls potion, but no. I guess the Liquid Sunshine wore off and she looks normal after a while?

Nice Alchemy worldbuilding!

Oh hey, it's Zack!

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7 years 4 months ago #126 by Polk Kitsune

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I'd considered, but I'm debating... I heard at some points, something happened to Carmilla. I have no ideas...

Though I do have to give some thanks to a friend of mine for Dissent. Very interesting character to write with.

And yes, the potion would have worn off, and the tan woudl have faded off. Perks of being regen 6?

Heehee. And thanks. ^^

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7 years 4 months ago #127 by NJM1564

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Polk Kitsune wrote: I'd considered, but I'm debating... I heard at some points, something happened to Carmilla. I have no ideas...

She's missing. Trapped in a summoning circle on a peace of paper that's bin folded up and stashed somewhere.

7 years 4 months ago #128 by Polk Kitsune

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Yeah, I heard something similar, and that makes me a bit uneasy to use her. I don't know if she'll be back or not... Sad fate by the sound of it... I don't know the full context though.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 4 months ago #129 by Malady

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Oh, you haven't caught up yet, Polk? The stuff on Sara is in... Kayda 8 or somewhere around there, IIRC?

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7 years 4 months ago #130 by Polk Kitsune

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Not caught up yet, no. Trying, and progressing, but still a way to go. Currently at Ayla and the Breakfast Brawl. It's long, but feels important... And I know I may have to skip some, if I hope to catch up, even if I know I might lose on some stories...

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 4 months ago - 7 years 4 months ago #131 by Esar

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It's in Kayda 5 . Sara is currently "on the bus" so if you want/need to use her you can. The way she has been put on the bus makes it really easy to explain why she would be present in your WhatIF story (Someone finds the paper and destroy it or the culprit dies offscreen or her father intervenes etc.)

Anyway, your story will diverge from the canon storyline, so if you think Sara would add something to it, I say go for it.

Last Edit: 7 years 4 months ago by Esar.

7 years 4 months ago #132 by Malady

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@Polk, well, you could download them as pdfs, with the printing option or save as htms with the browser's saving feature for offline reading. Unless you're already doing that... And some don't have dependencies... You could read Gen0 stuff anywhen, and stuff?

Have you heard all this before?

Are you on an Apple mobile, or Android? If the former, I don't have in-depth know-how to help.

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7 years 4 months ago #133 by Jarjaross

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I'm worried a out Zack being there. I'm also expecting her to bring up rape/assult charges on him.

My dreams take me to far off lands and times of distant past and future. They tell what has been done, what will happen and who I am. They show me things beyond the machinations of any man. Tell me, what are dreams to you?

7 years 4 months ago #134 by NJM1564

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Polk Kitsune wrote: Yeah, I heard something similar, and that makes me a bit uneasy to use her. I don't know if she'll be back or not... Sad fate by the sound of it... I don't know the full context though.

She won't be gone forever. She's trapped in paper. Paper is to fragile to last for long. It rots and decays. And even a few drops of water would set her free. Though I'm worried about what will happen when she does after starving all this time.

7 years 4 months ago #135 by Polk Kitsune

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Mmmnnn. Then I'll think about getting Sara in. When exactly, I won't tell, but now I do feel a lot better about the possibility. I think I could use her real well too, unless I can find someone else to fill in the role better...

I have an iPhone, and I've been using their browsers, with the wiki page open, going with the dated list, and opening tabs as I go. It's been working so far.

As for Zack... Well, for Karen to bring charges on him, she'd have to bring proof, which she doesn't have from back then.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 4 months ago #136 by Anne

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Given that Whisper is now canon, perhaps she (Sarah) will recall how Whisper dealt with a circle?

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7 years 4 months ago #137 by Anne

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I about fell out of my chair when Zack showed up. Especially given his H-1! tendencies. Then again maybe it was just the atavistic reaction of the male who discovers to his chagrin that he's attracted to another male. And it can't be internal so the other person must be at fault and therefor they must DIE!

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7 years 4 months ago #138 by Polk Kitsune

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Mmmnnn. True. Maybe Sara will make it out. I'll fit her in one way or another. It'll work. ;3

And glad to see Zack had the right effect. :3 And yeah, him showing up is goign to be one heck of a surprise for Karen, considerign what he's put her through. It might be ironic in some cases that the 'anti-mutant' turns out to be one, but... Zack seems rather cheerful, no?

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7 years 4 months ago #139 by Anne

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Yeah he does, but maybe he's never had to think about what it means to be poor or persecuted. Being a 'pretty' is just his right. And he has a right to all the pretty girls. If he finds out what Karen is packing I suspect the reaction will be murderous again... :twisted:

:twisted:

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7 years 4 months ago #140 by Polk Kitsune

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He is definitively surrounded by pretties now, and the fact that he hasn't recognized Karen yet might be because he also has that wide-eyed look around the campus, and the wonders he gets to see. Karen's just one droplet in the sea.

But yes, if he ever does find out, I get the two of them will be mighty surprised... *whistles innocently*

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 2 months ago #141 by Polk Kitsune

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Next chapter has been written, and I'm putting it through the editing process. Hopefully won't be long.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 2 months ago #142 by Polk Kitsune

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And chapter 5 has been put up. Shortest chapter, but I thought I had to do it this way. Hope it works. Though if anyone has some editing suggestions, I'm all ears.

I hope you enjoy the read, and comments are always welcome. ^^

My story: Evershade: Reforming

7 years 2 months ago - 7 years 2 months ago #143 by Mister D

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Interesting new chapter.

The scenes with Ito are a good example of how he starts teaching the new classes.

Nice to compare the emphasis on the reading material which wasn't emphasised as much in the original stories. (Though i'll have to go back and look, to see how the original canon told that aspect of his teaching technique. Another excuse for an archive trawl...

)

Also a nice twist with

Warning: Spoiler! [ Click to expand ]

What are the odds that this will unfold easily by someone referring Karen to one of the school counsellors, or unfold difficultly with angst and drama?

Measure Twice

Last Edit: 7 years 2 months ago by Mister D. Reason: L'esprit d'escalier

7 years 2 months ago #144 by GrimGrendel

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Thanks for the chapter!

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7 years 2 months ago - 7 years 2 months ago #145 by Malady

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As Marcie made a pose with peace signs

Reminds me of

yandere-simulator.wikia.com/wiki/Social_Butterfly#Gallery

This Image [ Click to expand ]

Welcome to the Cave of Wonders, Karen. Remember: don't touch anything. Especially the magic lamp.

...

That back wall was something to marvel!

Nice having her think through what it means as Zack is there! ... She's so worried she spaces out in BMA! Or is she also naturally spacey as well, and we've only seen her worry enough to see her space out?

... The idea that others from her hometown are there as well, is interesting... I wonder how she's gonna get info on Zack... Ayla? Or someone else to give info?

How long will her Herma. status stay unrevealed? Possibly forever?? Unlike Ayla??

Typos [ Click to expand ]

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Last Edit: 7 years 2 months ago by Malady.

7 years 2 months ago #146 by Polk Kitsune

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Mister D wrote: Interesting new chapter.

The scenes with Ito are a good example of how he starts teaching the new classes.

Nice to compare the emphasis on the reading material which wasn't emphasised as much in the original stories. (Though i'll have to go back and look, to see how the original canon told that aspect of his teaching technique. Another excuse for an archive trawl... )

Also a nice twist with

Warning: Spoiler! [ Click to expand ] [ Click to hide ]

Zack appearing. It means that he probably manifested, and may have had some of the same experiences with H1. It's what will happen when this information comes out, which will shape the future interactions with the other students as well as the staff.

Also what will happen when the full story about the H1 lynch mob attack comes out?

Will Karen be able to talk about it without outing Poe, and, without making herself a target, in the same way that Ayla did?

What are the odds that this will unfold easily by someone referring Karen to one of the school counsellors, or unfold difficultly with angst and drama?

Thank you very much for the comments. ^^

The info about Zack will be something Karen will want to investigate, find out what's going on, so she can face what's there. Though I suppose info about the H1 attack might come from emails from Lauren at this point.

Malady wrote: How long will her Herma. status stay unrevealed? Possibly forever?? Unlike Ayla??

A good question, which I will expand with a few key differences between the two: Ayla made it clear to anyone who dared mistake him for a girl that he was still a guy. He never tried to hide himself or disguise as a girl (on purpose, at least).

Karen? She does want to be treated as a girl, to live as one and keep her intersexed status a secret. It's part of the reason I really stuck this second shower scene in there. She's terrified of being found out and the consequences of being treated as a freak like that. She'll go to great lengths and efforts to be seen as a normal girl.

Of course, like the gym showers, she can run, but she can't always hide. X3

As for Mister D's question mentioned before: if I didn't try to aim for drama, I would have a pretty boring story, now would I? ;3

Heehee. Really glad the humor lines worked so well, and Karen's cuteness kept up! I was so nervous at times. X3

Information about Zack though might be a bit scarce. He's also a freshman, so information gathering would only have about a day or two of information to go by. If Karen had to look, she might go to Catherine and Dissent also for info, THEN get pointed to Ayla... If she goes that way.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

6 years 4 months ago #147 by Polk Kitsune

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Been far too long, but I thought I’d at least give a status update.

No, the story isn’t dead, but delays happened, and I have been sidetracked. Part of it was a plan for a cross-over with another writer, which fell through after months of planning, though I will be salvaging from that, learned a few things.

But that’s not the only thing that’s kept the gears slowed down, and even now, I’m drawn to reading more over writing. Progress on the next chapter will happen still. Better slow progress, than nothing at all.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

6 years 3 months ago - 6 years 3 months ago #148 by Anne

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So I re read part one (which your link leads to) and still like it a lot, I'm of course looking forward to any more you might be writing. Keep on going, you're doing an excellent job!
And I just finished the second part that is in the Fab Lab. Sure it could use a proofreader (but which of us couldn't?!) but beyond a few odd typos and the like, I saw nothing out of place. And yep she sure needs to find out what is up with Mr Sinister! That is one dude who needs to have his cranial-rectal inversion cured!

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Last Edit: 6 years 3 months ago by Anne.

6 years 3 months ago #149 by Polk Kitsune

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All right. Chapter 6 mostly done, one edit run done... Time to toss it to the proofreaders and editors, and see what survives.

Not the longest chapter, but still, progress!

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6 years 3 months ago #150 by Anne

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Excellent! I eagerly await its arrival here!

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6 years 3 months ago #151 by Polk Kitsune

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And finally, another chapter has been put up. Shorter one, but still progress!

If there's anything missed, please do let me know.

Any comments or criticism is welcome. ^^

My story: Evershade: Reforming

6 years 3 months ago #152 by Anne

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I have a major proofing effort underway on it, which I will send to you via e-mail. Not much done to forward the story, but sometimes the framework is necessary to help the reader understand what is going on. I wait with bated breath the next installment!

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6 years 3 months ago #153 by Polk Kitsune

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Thank you very much for the proofreading, looking forward to it. I know I’m not perfect.

And true, not the biggest progress, but I had a few characters I had to introduce, and allowed me to develop Noelle and Robin a bit more.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

6 years 3 months ago #154 by konzill

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Just read through most of Evershade 2. One thing which lost me was the conversation with Dissent. It was too long and went over the same ground multiple times. Having everybody meet at the grill would probably have worked better than having them drift in later.

6 years 3 months ago #155 by Polk Kitsune

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Thank you for the read, I do hope you enjoyed otherwise.

Hrmmm. And yes, you're not the only one who mentioned that discussion with Dissent. I've got to go back, and edit that one. Take a scalpel, and dig out what needs to be pulled out or not.

But which ones did you mean by going over the same grounds? If it'll help me narrow down the list...

My story: Evershade: Reforming

6 years 3 months ago #156 by konzill

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Karen reacts to Dissent's GSD, and gets a lecture on how students with GSD are people too. Then Robin comes in are reacts to Dissent's GSD and we get the same points about students with GSD. Though to be honest by then I was only skimming the conversation and ended up jumping to the next scene.

6 years 3 months ago #157 by Polk Kitsune

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Touche. I can see that.

Yeah, the conversation as a whole could use some edit. Going through on my files, and working on there. It'll take me some time, but I'll polish that up.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

6 years 3 months ago #158 by Polk Kitsune

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Thanks to Anne for the proofreading, and minor corrections through this chapter.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

4 years 11 months ago #159 by Polk Kitsune

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Finally, chapter 7 is up. Took way longer than I thought.

Again, comments and critique are welcome.

Now, as much as I want to just move on, there's a chapter in need of editing that I've pushed back for far too long.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

4 years 11 months ago #160 by Polk Kitsune

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Oh, and I'eve been reminded that I do have a few pictures of Pix made a while ago. Where Did I put them... Here we go!
This first one was missing the wings and the more human parts, but still the concept was there.

This one here though is a lot closer to the idea.

And a bit more recent one by @Tailsfiraga

... Yeah, maybe I like the concept a little much.

My story: Evershade: Reforming

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