Question Oh to be true to my heart.

So , once upon a time:

I was a prolific writer, then all things medical, PTSD, Bipolar/Depressive (unclearly diagnosed at the time,) among all sorts of moods and emotions. Not to mention losing so many spoons in the daily fight to just get up. So on September 21, a few (three-four'ish) years back, I hit the rock bottom. In a night of drinking and depression (nasty combination those) I was just at the point of self-surgery, like in one of Jade's Stories (or related to her...)

While my skills In the Army would not let me attempt anything close to inversion, et all in the process of making a vagina. I could do away with the Testes, (those things are vile and must go!,) I ended up in the process of getting a good look at those (icky) things, so Just before cutting, and my back, neck, and shoulder all rudely knotted the hell up. So much so that I barely could get into the shower and set it to broil.

Which left me to an epiphany:

I had been fighting more than one war in my head, complex from two different wars and losses therein, also including enduring the '89 Quake in Cali, and helping to deal with a cleanup of a hurricane. Then there was another form of PTSD, created by my parents, their version of religion, and physical and frequently physical abuse. So yes, a very complex PTSD was enjoined in a fight with my sense of self-worth, well-being, and being ever so Transgender (M2F).

So more than one war was being fought in my brain case. Ugh is a mild word for it all.

It stole so very much of my strength, and it had an effect on my family. Something had to give, so not being Female in Body and by 100% wardrobe and the issues it caused in my head had to be addressed. So aside from a lot of reading on the subject, I decided I could not fight that, and the PTSD.

PTSD does not go away, you just endure it with therapy and meds. Which left one fight I could afford to lose to Being 100% Female, rather than the various shades of it I allowed myself to have.

So I victoriously surrendered myself to it, being female.
Which lead to that fun combo of Estrogen and Spiro... Spiro nearly killed me as it sent my potassium sky high, and sent me to the ER. The cramps, high BP, pulse rate et al, knocked me on my proverbial buttocks. It was bad to the point where my toes tried new and painful positions on my foot, all at the same time.

Ick etc.

So I was switched off that to an anti-androgen, which worked and has not tried to kill me.
So yes, I have breasts. If you do not have them, seeing the concept of being rudely and painfully bashed in them, might make you think it was a non-issue. Oh is that ever wrong, boobs, breasts by whatever you call them, hurt like hell if you prang them into doors or other furniture. Conversely, if you have them and take off your bra after a longish day, you either have nearly an orgasmic experience or a total shock of 'surprise I am here' sort of pain.

The shower/bubble bath thing, didn't really seemed to cause me real discomfort or sensual things. but then I live in a desert. Then there is the dysphoria, I hate how my hair looks coming out of the bath/shower, and those bits. ICK!

I so wish at times when my atrophied testis decides to make my life utter hell that my back pain had not decided the issue for me. Words escape the pain of it all, nearly as I can tell, it is like having your appendix clone itself to the other side of your body, and then to go inflamed at the same time. Only to chill out utterly and kick you back into hell a few days later.

Do not get me started on the buttmunch politicians who are making life hell for us all around.

So after a few years of things like therapy and hormones, I did the name change and gender marker shift. F for Forwards!

Surgery wise, I am lost a quagmire of the 'never enough money side of things, and raising a Teen-Ager(TM).

Not to mention lots of appointments, medicines that -work-, therapy and the like.

Then the writing bug bit me, again, but so much time had passed, so the question was how to get back on track. The track in question being / is First Among Fools #6. Yes you may go @Squee @OMG or "How the hell are you going to pick up the tale?"

I am being evil.

I am going to jerk your emotions as hard as I can, at least that is my intent. It left me fighting back tears more than a few times, not to mention ruining Kleenex. So I hope that if any of my own sufferings actually carried through to the page, it will be painful to work past, but in a good way.

My goal for it to hit 120-130ish pages before I drop it into some people's hands for opinions and to catch any glaring stuff. Before abusing you all with it. (Que evil montage of hideous laughter.)

I do not think I will be able to pick up After the Ashes directly, some of the mental gymnastics it takes to get back into Angela's "head-space" would not be healthy for me. Yes I know it is hardly fair seeming, there is a 'space opera / esper /tk /telepathy etc kitchen-meet-sink' stuff rattling about in my head. But I intend to only hit that, if I stall after FAF6.

So what is going on with FAF 6?
70 pages of it thus far.

Who is in it?
Many many people, yet not ones you might expect or how you expect to see them as.

Can you give us a hint?
I could, but you can't handle the hints. <WEG>

Has anyone seen it or parts of it yet.
Nope not yet, not even Motley.
Yet.

You might or not want to reread FAF 1-5, just so you can guess what maybe cooming.
Though I think most people who do not go back to review or read it the first time will be overly lost. There are distortions, intentional ones. Some not, but well, that is life.
It may be slightly exposition heavy, but you will understand the need of it, I hope you will anyways.

Renae.

Welcome... back again... to this new site... for the first time... etc.

I know we're frequently asked what happened to the authors that weren't around any longer and your name comes-up as often as any other... I think that's definitely a matter of how much your stories touched us.

I WILL say that your stories are some of my favorites and I look forward to whatever you choose to share with us in the future. (don't worry... I tell all of the authors that so don't think I'm trying to put pressure on ya or nuffin' )

I'm sure Kristin will get you set-up with keys to the back room and if you have any questions let one of us know and we can fill you in on the state of the stories and how to reach us for chat and such.

As for the First Among Fools stories... looks like we only have the one piece (#5) on here... if you'd like we can put the rest of them up on here so people aren't too lost in trying to track them down (yeah, we have links to where they are but all in one source is Sooo much easier if we can do it ). You can shoot them to me in an email if you'd like and I can get them put up if you want. Just PM me if you want and I'll tell ya how to reach me. Or we can help ya with the site's interface if you'd prefer doing it yourself.

Yes please do, I know Bob's site passed somewhat to his death. And Saphire's place was well, not as ideal as I could hope.
I will one day, take another pass through those tales and conjoin them into one. Perhaps.
Backdoors, I might be needful of that sometime. <Loopy Expression Here>

I might be able to snag them, though the links do exist, work. If you want to grab them and strip the old HTML junk that is in them, feel free.

I'm online and editing/writing it at the same time, so I am around.
Renae

*Cheers* Another lost one has returned to the fold! I was right...this is a great year. For your the third lost one to have returned. So excited! Even though you may not be ready to return to writing full time it's great to see you back. Just knowing your lurking among us is enough for me!

*Hugs*

Welcome back! Good to hear you're feeling better, for what it's worth!

Yeah, FAF is linked from your Wiki Page: crystalhall.wikia.com/wiki/Renae

It is good to see you able and willing to return, Renae. I am sorry to hear how hellish life had gotten at the nadir, but it is wonderful to know that sometimes, things really do get at least a little better.

There are parts of your woes to which I can relate. I know it doesn't magically make anything better, but I understand and you have my best wishes and hopes that everything is on the upswing for you.

Welcome back Renae!

We have a Library section here for non-Whateley stories (we already have a few of your stories that were on the old site in it).

If you ever want to move your other stories from orphan sites to it, let me know, I'll be happy to help.

Welcome back!

Ditto.

Welcome back.

Let me explain.
[pause]
No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

The famous author Phoenix Spiritus has become Hank's POV author.
Two relatively unknown authors have joined the Gen 1 group, uh... Morpheus and ElrodW.
JG returned, and is attempting to take over the word count lead.
Many of the old disappeared authors have gotten free of the MCO to return and contribute.
Gen 2 was started with new and old authors.

There was too much to sum up.

Welcome back!

Renae - when you get a chance, come on the IRC channel so we can coordinate IM contact

Welcome to Year Two, Renae!

welcome back

Welcome back.

The first four parts of First Among Fools are, with Renae's permission, moved over to this site now for your reading convenience...

First Among Fools - Chapter 1

First Among Fools - Chapter 2

First Among Fools - Chapter 3

First Among Fools - Chapter 4

Along with the previously moved over Chapter 5

First Among Fools - Chapter 5

Sheesh. Miss a day, miss a lot. Welcome back, Renae.

This news just took my weekend from "crappy" (literally, I couldn't walk too far from the bathroom...) to "great." Although, if not due to aforementioned bathroom issues, that kept me from having the energy to log in, I might have offered my already-compiled versions of "After the Ashes" and "First Among Fools" for review and inclusion into the Library. But, eh, ninja'd.

Welcome back (or rather Nice to meet you in my case).

Weren't you supposed to pick up some milk?

Bek D Corbin wrote: Weren't you supposed to pick up some milk?

She did, it's now the nice Brie she left on the table for you.

Renae_Whateley wrote: I do not think I will be able to pick up After the Ashes directly, some of the mental gymnastics it takes to get back into Angela's "head-space" would not be healthy for me. Yes I know it is hardly fair seeming, there is a 'space opera / esper /tk /telepathy etc kitchen-meet-sink' stuff rattling about in my head. But I intend to only hit that, if I stall after FAF6.

Well, if you can't find that Angela "groove" again that's too bad, I really liked "Ashes".

But then, between a happy writer who is writing what she feels inspired to and an a burned-out writer who is just pushing herself to write something she really does not feel up to, I'd much rather have the first.

However, in a vain attempt to tickle that muse... I'll give you this: a cover for "AtA."

Welcome back Ma'am! Welcome back Renae (am I allowed to call you ma'am? Do you have a preference? Just Renae?)