Question Into The Light

Just posted the first chapter of the story I'm working on, looking for feedback (and maybe encouragement? First time exposing my writing this widely...).

I've got 5 more chapters written, two of which have been edited and almost ready to post. Hopefully this weekend!

Story here!

^ Tip: Link to the story and discussion from your Sig.

Want to read your story, but so many things to do... Loving the forum's subscribe feature, so I can read it in my emails!

Nice opening! ... I wonder how long it'll take for me to figure out narrator's gender...

Thanks for the chapter! (^w^)

GrimGrendel wrote: Thanks for the chapter! (^w^)

Comments [ Click to expand ] [ Click to hide ]

"Carmageddon" Colorful description of LA's traffic jams x3

"I don’t know why, [but I shot the padlock]" Really reckless, especially since he didn't wait to see if Nick would pull out the key (he could have had the key for all that Justin knew).

How come Soren didn't realize that Danielle was a Fey while his apprentice Nick noticed this at a glance?

Thanks for the comments!

Couple responses below - still figuring out how to post on here and insert spoilers, hopefully this works...

Second chapter is up!

"I may not have been ancient or over the hill at forty-three" And here I thought the narator was Danielle. Gotta pay attention.

"Mister Thorne" Oh, so Justin survived? I'm glad!

Soooooo, changeling. Is he Danielle now?

Nope. Danielle is fine. I'm guessing Justin became a twin of Danielle somehow. Or a Sidhe form close to hers.

Exposition, some questions answered, more questions raised. I don't have much to say on this part since it's the resolution of the first chapter. The reader just goes through the motion. A lot of it was as expected.

The only thing that felt a bit off was that I'd figure Justin would try to go see Danielle as soon as he was able to leave his bed. He did just throw away his life to save her. At the end of his chat with Mark, I expected Justin to ask him to accompagny him to Danielle's room. That, or maybe he'd be a lot more insistent and worried about his niece. I know there's a lot of things to deal with for Justin, between the MCO, DPA, gender switch, but I feel like Danielle suddenly dropped out of focus compared to the first part, where she's Justin's everything.

Beside that, good chapter. Lots of emotions, good introspection. There are still many things up in the air, such as whether Justin's a mutant or a Sidhe, what happened to Danielle, any potential powers from either, adapting to the changes, the MCO and DPA in the background. Nick and Soren. Lots of mystery. Looking forward to the rest

Thanks!

Also argh, had a whole response typed up and then accidentally clicked the 'back' button on the browser, dangit!

As to why Justin didn't charge off to see Danielle, there's a few reasons for that. Firstly the MCO invasion didn't give him the chance. And then once Mark showed up, Justin was worried how Danielle would take his new look. Danielle had been through a lot recently, and it could cause her to panic along the lines of 'who will take me in now? you're a teen like me!' or even just reject him as being a fake. Considering Justin's own growing insecurities about what had happened to him, Mark being available to go talk to Danielle first seemed 'safer' - and would buy Justin some time to try and come to grips with things a little first before having to be 'parental'. As Danielle knew Mark, being family and all, she might take Mark's word about the new 'Justine' actually having been her uncle better and also have a chance to prepare herself to see Justin without any panic. Justin knew he wanted that reveal to be managed carefully - a troubled teen's emotions can be explosive, and he wanted to spare her that if possible.

But it does sound like I need to make that more clear in the writing. Shall have to edit the scene a bit and hope to bring that out more! The doctor said she was safe, much to his relief, and asleep. Charging in with shocking stuff just wouldn't be 'right', as much as he'd want to do just that and hold her close. A strange woman you've never met charging in to hug you, possibly waking you up, and claiming to be your uncle might be a bit unnerving.

I am a little concerned that the 'it's suicidal! don't do it!' end of chapter one made things too confusing as to who was continuing the story in chapter 2. (Even if the emphasis on how suicidal it was seems to have succeeded in your perceptions, yay!) Although the second larger paragraph of chapter 2 does reference Caroline's struggles in hospitals, which should anchor the reader back on Justin. Maybe mention that sooner? Hurm.

And yep, lots of stuff in the air! Which will be revealed as things progress! Just finished rough draft of chapter 7, but need to edit chapter 3 and on more before posting.

Thanks so much for the positive review!

Maybe a little more introspection would help to understand why Justin is hesitant to go see Danielle. Or it could come up during his talk with Mark, with Justin asking to see Danielle prompting Mark to be the voice of reason, pointing out the ways it could go wrong, and offering to go check first and ease the revelation to her. Just a few suggestions.

To be honest, at the end of chapter 1 I was prepared for Danielle to become our protagonist. There wasn't any hint that Justin'd be altered, conscious or even alive after chapter 1, so I wasn't expecting him to become a changeling, while at the same time Danielle got visible changes and got magically charged, with fey origins. Those were a good few hints in favour of Danielle surviving with powers than Justin, and thus her becoming our go-to protagonist from now on.

The mention of Caroline didn't really hint at Justin for me. Bad memory. She was named in part 1 only once, so the name didn't register immediately.

The second chapter has been edited to incorporate your feedback! Some additional conversation with the doctor was added, and the one with Mark was revised with him (as suggested!) being the one to come up with the idea of talking with Danielle first. Think the changes may really help the scenes, thanks! (Hopefully you'll agree, lol)

Third chapter is up! Hoping to get chapter four out maybe tomorrow...

Cool.

Fourth Chapter up!

It's a 'mini-chapter' interlude which breaks the 1st person narration to show the reader a 'behind the scenes' moment. As the story proceeds, I want to be able to do that on occasion where it would be nice for the reader to get additional information / perspective from beyond just what Justine has seen and done. Hopefully it works!

Next chapter up. This one took a lot of editing (and re-editing right after posting due to browser misclick posting things before I had finished the cut-n-paste spacing fixes, gah), so hopefully I didn't miss/screw up too much. If you see something goobered, please let me know! Thanks!

I love where this is going. But being ambushed by a griffon...That's just mean!

Yolandria wrote: I love where this is going. But being ambushed by a griffon...That's just mean!

Thanks!

Next chapter is up... one more to edit (and finish) before I'll have caught up posting here with what I've gotten drafted so far.

As always, comments / feedback are welcome!

Poor Khan...Guess he's going to have to be happy at the brother in laws. No pets allowed at Whateley. =(

Yolandria wrote: Poor Khan...Guess he's going to have to be happy at the brother in laws. No pets allowed at Whateley. =(

Familiars are allowed, considering that his human is now a magical entity, that is a real option too.

mhalpern wrote:

Yolandria wrote: Poor Khan...Guess he's going to have to be happy at the brother in laws. No pets allowed at Whateley. =(

Familiars are allowed, considering that his human is now a magical entity, that is a real option too.

Don't worry, Khan is the true hero of this story! Or at least he'd think so...

Next chapter is up - it's a long one. Still a lot more to write up to complete what I am guessing would be a 'Part I', hopefully next weekend I can get going on the next chapter or two!

Comments, speculations, critiques, please post or PM me! Thanks!

Three more chapters are up, which conclude Part One.

Hopefully folks think it looks decent enough for a proper WhatIF, let me know here or in PM please!

Or if I goobered up any editing - was a marathon session this weekend! Thanks!

Was a great read. Funny how you made Khan a familiar. I think it's a very good stand alone story. But i don't know how it would fit in the WU. Since there is already a character of simular powers/background. Seraphim.


I really loved your style,very easy to read. I do hope you continue. Your editing was fine. I didn't see any typo's etc.
Would definately love to see more.

Yolandria wrote: Was a great read. Funny how you made Khan a familiar. I think it's a very good stand alone story. But i don't know how it would fit in the WU. Since there is already a character of simular powers/background. Seraphim.


I really loved your style,very easy to read. I do hope you continue. Your editing was fine. I didn't see any typo's etc.
Would definately love to see more.

Thanks!

It's been awhile since I read Seraphim's stories, but I do agree that they may seem similar - especially so far. Jordan/Aradia's setup and purpose in existence is different though in ways that (certainly at this point!) would be full of spoilers to try and describe properly. Their focus and specific powers should (I hope!) differentiate as things proceed - even if Kabballistic ideas and the nature of angels gets explored.

I'm not hoping or aiming for any kind of canon status with this story - especially as I can foresee its scope possibly going 'wide'. Instead it truly is intended as a 'what if...?' type scenario for fun - both to write and hopefully to read. Because that's how it started in my head after reading so much Whateley fiction over the years... "What if these concepts and characters fell into an alternate Whateley Universe? Hmm... could be fun!"

First two chapters of Part Two are up! Finally get to Whateley!

Comments and feedback are always welcome, even if just something short saying whether you liked it! Thanks!

I'm so happy to see this next installment. Sqeee!!!!

Nice start to chapter 2.

It's only suppertime, and she's already put one nose out of joint.

Is this where we say, instead of Witchcraft and Wicca, it's Bitchcraft and Bicker...?

Quite the interesting story you've got here.
In the new parts, Mrs. Shugendo's mentioning of Poe is really out of character, as they're supposed to keep it a secret, not mention hints of it to everyone.
I am still thinking about and really confused by the prayer...that's mostly said by the mother in the family. Is he saying she's his way forward spiritually, or his "extra soul of the weekend"? Talk about being over-obtuse.
I thought it was a pity you didn't make Soren the griffin's master and made him even more of a bad-ass planner.
On the topic of Jewish stuff, it's "Tsayad", not "Tsayid". Also, reading up on how griffins fit in at all on wikipedia was one of the odder things I encountered relating to middle-eastern myth. Linking those Assyrian heads on winged animals and cherubs...

reist wrote: Quite the interesting story you've got here.

Thanks!!

reist wrote: In the new parts, Mrs. Shugendo's mentioning of Poe is really out of character, as they're supposed to keep it a secret, not mention hints of it to everyone.

As Jordan is also a changeling, there was some debate by the staff as to where she should room - but Hawthorne's attic was the only spot large enough for the spell circles to fit. It was raised that she may need the group support at Poe of others who have gone through similar changes, and thus she might be read into the 'secret' - and Hawthorne still has the tunnel to Poe too. But that decision was stuck until Ms. Carson gets back from vacation.

reist wrote: I am still thinking about and really confused by the prayer...that's mostly said by the mother in the family. Is he saying she's his way forward spiritually, or his "extra soul of the weekend"? Talk about being over-obtuse.

She actually IS 'his way forward spiritually' - but to explain why would require massive spoilers on who she is (or could become), and also who Soren really is. As for him being obtuse - well, yes, yes he is... his sense of humor is also a bit 'off', as it were. The choice of the prayer was due to its translation seeming appropriate, as Soren 'lighted' her with his ritual - and she is, in her way, a prayer of his. Originally the ritual was to be on a Friday night - but I think with edits, that detail got lost.

reist wrote: On the topic of Jewish stuff, it's "Tsayad", not "Tsayid".

I took the name (and its translation) from a book and used its spelling, which could possibly have been based more on Biblical Hebrew than Modern - no idea how much of a difference that would make though or if they just got it wrong...? I don't speak/read Hebrew (modern or biblical) which may be something I'll try to correct someday, but that would at the moment mean a lot less time for writing!

reist wrote: Also, reading up on how griffins fit in at all on wikipedia was one of the odder things I encountered relating to middle-eastern myth. Linking those Assyrian heads on winged animals and cherubs...

Kerubim are cool! Four wings, and supposed to have four heads - (but don't always when depicted in art / statues, so yay alternate forms? Heh)...

Thanks for the comment! If anything else as things go forward looks 'off' regarding Judaism, please let me know - not being Jewish I can only go by what I've read (history and general culture), and friends who were raised more as secular non-observant Jews. The stuff to come that will reference Kabballah spiritual-wise are based on (and adapted from) a number of books, especially those by Aryeh Kaplan. I am by no means an expert, but have found it fascinating. For this story, though, Angeology as interpreted for the story applies more than Kabballah or Judaism, and that should (hopefully) be seen more as the next couple chapters come out.

An additional scene to the last chapter has been edited in to it, along with two new chapters posted...

Also, after thinking about Sugendo's mentioning of Poe, that was also edited to now only have her saying that Jordan was initially to be assigned to Poe, but as the rooms weren't big enough for the circle she was placed in Hawthorne instead. No hint at anything special about Poe or its residents given. Thanks again for the feedback!

The two new chapters both took a bit of editing - I'm still not sure if I won't adjust more stuff in them. Will see, and could depend on comments from readers!

"picture of Rey from The Force Awakens."
First clue I had that this was a G2 story. Could use some proper labeling. It's pulls you out of the immersion when you suddenly realize you are in a different series/universe than what you thought you were.

Huh, I didn't catch that. G2 does make a difference to the background.

At the end of the first new section, the "not" is probably not supposed to be in "I’m sure you’d agree would not be nice to avoid." A rewrite?
After all the AI talk, especially as a programmer, how could she not ask how an angel could be stuck in human form, have a personality or a will of their own?
Wouldn't it make more sense for Sense to not fidget at all? I'd thing he'd try to make the most minimum and efficient movements possible, specifically so that the clothes on him wouldn't move, as that would make the irritation uneven and harder to ignore as background noise.

On the subject of Jewdaism - I'm secular myself, so language and some things that stuck in my head are all I can note. It's just a fact of where you live and learn. I have never read the Kabballah at all, but the better written stories I read that used a heavy amount of information from there have been pretty unique.

reist wrote: Huh, I didn't catch that. G2 does make a difference to the background.

(Only quoting Reist because it's easier... but this is also in response to NJM1564...)

I think you both are right in one sense - that detail needs to be changed. I liked it at the time of writing it, but time-wise I think I also wanted it to be vague, which this may ruin. Mentally I'm thinking it's all happening somewhere between G1 and G2, but also I'm trying to not impinge on either - hence only using teachers as characters and the G1 building map. So I think I may edit (today or tomorrow) and change the t-shirt to an Alice in Wonderland one - which may emphasize the 'down the rabbit hole' vibe a bit better anyway. Thanks for the feedback on it! I should have caught that better when putting it in.

reist wrote: At the end of the first new section, the "not" is probably not supposed to be in "I’m sure you’d agree would not be nice to avoid." A rewrite?

Oops. Yep, that needs to be fixed!

reist wrote: After all the AI talk, especially as a programmer, how could she not ask how an angel could be stuck in human form, have a personality or a will of their own?

All of these questions will come up. Jordan, though, is still a bit tactically focused on control and survival, and it's all been a lot to take in - in a short amount of time. The other tricky part is avoiding spending four chapters worth of dialogue exploring all of the whats/hows (as these topics can fill books all on their own imo) and leaving most readers either bored or overwhelmed themselves. I was already concerned that it had too much in that one chapter as it was... so I'm glad you're asking those questions, because she will get to them!

reist wrote: Wouldn't it make more sense for Sense to not fidget at all? I'd thing he'd try to make the most minimum and efficient movements possible, specifically so that the clothes on him wouldn't move, as that would make the irritation uneven and harder to ignore as background noise.

Maybe? But I was envisioning all the subtle shifts of balance and things while eating causing him to go erk.. then erk again. His own meditative control is something he's still trying to learn (some days are better than others, this wasn't a good day) - which is why he runs around without pants as much as possible. Somewhat like a cascade effect - the more frustrated he gets, the worse his control, causing more overload, increasing the frustration.. etc etc.

reist wrote: On the subject of Jewdaism - I'm secular myself, so language and some things that stuck in my head are all I can note. It's just a fact of where you live and learn. I have never read the Kabballah at all, but the better written stories I read that used a heavy amount of information from there have been pretty unique.

It's a fascinating and intricate framework, and I've read more about its theory / ideas than practical magical application. How many details will be pulled into this story remains to be seen, as I don't want it to get bogged down with them - see the above concern regarding too many chapters needing to be spent in exposition / explanation. But as the rabbi is a practicing (and effective!) Kabballist (he'd have to be to be a member of the Mystic Arts faculty!) - that's the structure he best understands through which to seek understandings. So I'm sure more will get referenced as things unfold.

Thanks very much for the comments and feedback! I'll try to get to those edits, maybe after breakfast? And reread Sense's section to see if anything can be adjusted to indicate more of a cascade effect...

Edit: T-shirt changed! Think I like the new one better, so thanks you two!

reist wrote: how could she not ask how an angel could be stuck in human form, have a personality or a will of their own?

The Rabbi said it best. “Fear not, for you are where you are meant to be.” Or if you prefer. #GodDidIt

Finally got around to giving a few fanfics a try here in the section. Gotta say, I'm really digging on your work. I really am. You've got talent and you channel it well. I'm only part way through your second post, will definitely keep reading.

It this a gen 1 or gen 2 story?

Iwasforger03 wrote: Finally got around to giving a few fanfics a try here in the section. Gotta say, I'm really digging on your work. I really am. You've got talent and you channel it well. I'm only part way through your second post, will definitely keep reading.

It this a gen 1 or gen 2 story?

Thanks! I'm aiming for it being between gen 1 and gen 2 - so as to help alleviate any potential conflicts. Kind commenters in this thread even caught me out on a mistake with that, which I had to go patch up. Glad you're liking it so far!

Hope to have another couple chapters up soonish - but I may get stuck working weekends through the rest of this month which would delay things a bit. :/

Are you going to post it up to the main site for all the readers who don't peruse the forums? I'm hoping to do that eventually myself, once I get some feedback and finish up the whole story.

I'm enjoying the idea of the "incarnate awakened angelic being" and her having an enemy in the form of a fallen angel, namely Azazel. Sweet. I would like to see more interaction and time spent with Danielle and them bonding again despite the massive changes in their relationship. I really dig on Jordan, but Danielle needs a little more development and active participation in story events I think.

Iwasforger03 wrote: Are you going to post it up to the main site for all the readers who don't peruse the forums?

At some point, yes... but I want a lot more of the story to be completed first, in case something earlier needs editing / adjusting to make things work better for the whole arc. In other words - want to hedge my bets a bit and leave that option open just in case.

Iwasforger03 wrote: I would like to see more interaction and time spent with Danielle and them bonding again despite the massive changes in their relationship. I really dig on Jordan, but Danielle needs a little more development and active participation in story events I think.

Danielle will be important, but she doesn't arrive at Whateley really until the end of Part II. Her changed relationship with Jordan and also the ramifications of her own changes will occur more in Part III. She may even get her own POV chapters at that point (maybe her own full set of chapters?) - I haven't decided yet, will have to see how things unfold and what works best!

What I mean is there isn't enough there for me as a reader to be super invested in the character. She needs her own point of view chapters probably from near the beginning. It would both fill out your story and help meld together characters and further draw us readers in. They don't need to be long, but we need more from her. Otherwise, she feels like a passive background character that things sort of just happen to.

Which is why the first half of Rogue One is REALLY weak. Things just... happen to Jyn. It's not until she becomes an active force in part 2 that the movie REALLY kicks off and becomes good and amazing and fun.

Two more chapters are up! Be warned, though, the second one is a cliff-hanger chapter ending! Will be writing the next stuff this weekend, so hopefully it won't be too long before I can get the resolution of it up there...

As always, if you've enjoyed it drop a comment! Or if I screwed up an edit!

I quite enjoyed your latest additions! I do like Jordan, and her sense of responsibility. Her floundering really grounds her as a character too. She doesn't have all the answers. I like that.

I hope she can help poor evie.
You've done a REALLY good job with inventive Thornie problems, I really like it. I'd love to see this moved to Canon someday, you do really good work!

There are a few spots I worry about thought.

Power scale - you seem to favor inserting lots of people who are REALLY on the high end of the power scale for Whateley. A Wiz 7? Probably still not as dangerous as Nikki Reilly, but A Wiz 7 is only a 7 because at that point they can't really measure it properly anymore. He'd have worked as a 6 or even a 5 with some unusual skills just as well without feeling as... ridiculously powerful?

A crystal Ball that can scry easily through most words, gifted by a goddess? That's the kind of thing that paints a massive target on your back and sends people like Lady Jettatura constantly trying to kill or subborn you. Very powerful, very dangerous. Her daughter is a Wiz-4 with super scry skills too? Yikes.

I'm also on the fence about Ito letting Jordan spar with Jenna without an accurate read on her powers, but it's certainly possible.

Overall, still really liked it and I look forward to more!

Thanks! Glad you're liking it!

I agree that the power scale is quite high - but long term for the story I have in mind it was always going to be. Don't want to give spoilers yet, though! Whether it could ever be 'canon' will depend on how it all works out by the end of the entire arc and if events interfere with the canon-authors' plans.

As for Ito and Jordan's match with Jenna allowing powers use - if the powers-evaluators had suspected Jordan's abilities would also affect non-magic users, he'd not have done it. Ito has, though, in some of the other stories had a bit of the 'toss kid in deep end and see what they learn' teaching style, plus Jenna is a rather strong brick and regenerator. Plus if Jordan hadn't done well in the first match without powers, i.e. maintained her focus and shown competency / control and a degree of disciplined training, then he wouldn't have tried for another with powers allowed. If anything, Ito's potential mistake was that Jordan impressed him - first with her serious and responsible apology for being late, and second with how she fought in the first round. As it was, it was definitely a 'teaching moment' for Jenna and Jordan both, which to Ito would likely qualify as a successful lesson...

Thanks again, and I hope to get more up soon!

I suspect he's looking into how the forcefield went down too, actually. He isn't the type to believe in coincidence or leave things alone. That girl is playing with fire if she thinks she can get away with that... especially on Hartford's watch. I wonder if a certain catgirl is going to have to break a few metaphorical legs...

Another chapter up!

WARNING: it could be triggering, as it contains somewhat graphic description of child abuse.

In other words, this was one of the hardest chapters to write so far. Hopefully it works and people like it / think it was handled okay.

If not, please feel free to comment here or in private message...

And if so, please let me know too!

Well, huh.

After posting the chapter from today, I went over to the new Original Stories and got caught up on Morpheus' latest amazing Imp installment. Which ended with almost the same sort of thing as my chapter... someone getting a kiss after 'a very long time'.

Gah! >.<

Now I feel like I need to beg Motley to post a comment because I shared about the idea weeks ago. :/

Oh wow. Oh dear, that poor girl. And she blames herself, it's all her fault... it isn't, but she thinks it is, because her own father twisted her up inside, and her mother...

I just finished reading the latest installment. Oh man this is so good. Keep it up. I won't do any proofreading just yet, 'cause you're not finished with the story, and getting something like this done is more important than having the first part of it perfect. Get the concept captured to conclusion, then worry about fitting it to canon.

Another chapter posted! I was hoping to get two this weekend, but only got through one and a half.

I also fixed something I totally goobered up: the DPA therapist's name. While working on the first chapter with her I decided on 'Natalie', and then somehow a couple of later ones had her as 'Nicole'. Derp.

So I think (and hope) all the references are now fixed...

It sounds like Jordan has something similar to Diamondback going on. Well, not really, but you should read up on Diamondback's whole "Astral presence" bit.

Diamondback exists in both the astral and physical planes simultaneously. She can see and interact with both at once, and they do the same for her. JG even clarifies that she can't pass through an astral wall even if the physical path is clear.

Iwasforger03 wrote: It sounds like Jordan has something similar to Diamondback going on. Well, not really, but you should read up on Diamondback's whole "Astral presence" bit.

Diamondback exists in both the astral and physical planes simultaneously. She can see and interact with both at once, and they do the same for her. JG even clarifies that she can't pass through an astral wall even if the physical path is clear.

Hmm, interesting. I'll check into it. Jordan's situation isn't that simple though - she's 'solid' to Fubar because, in essence, she believes him to be there - and therefore her 'greater self' from Above believes he should be solid to her and vice versa. His mental projection part is what's focusing her attention that he's there.

But this could need a change to how Kirov and Fubar reacted to it, if I want to revise towards canon.

Nice twist.

Next chapter is posted! Thanks to all who've commented, and all who might comment on this installment!

Erisian, you've got your signature link for the feedback thread set to your "chapter 2 is up" announcement, might want to try and get it set to page 1 of feedback, post #1.

That said? Damn... that had to be harmful for Jordan. I always twitch and writh a lot in films where they present something I believe strongly about in ways that are just wrong, even with fiction.

I struggled a lot in my early days reading whateley from some authors very strong personal opinions on the Catholic church coming through in their works, and their own views sometimes being extremely at odds with my own. I still have a lot of issues with Sara stories and Petra stories as a result, though I appreciate Bek's touch quite a bit, even, maybe especially, how she contrasted what temptation can do to even a devout priest vs the redemption to be found in following the way of your faith, even with a devil bound inside of you. I have major respect for El Penitente.

Now, I'm not looking to actually discuss what triggered my aversion with Sara and Petra, or whether it or I was right or wrong. That's a massive derailment that doesn't belong here. I'm just mentioning to illustrate my empathy for Jordan's reaction. It... it really messes with your head, when people trash, tarnish, lie, misconstrue, or seem to do so, regarding things you either know or firmly believe to be another way. I get really really twitchy about stuff like that, though less so now than I used to. However, I do still remember my reactions.

I have a similar issue with people screwing up historical fact on areas of my personal interest, or twisting heroes into villains, especially out of what often seems to my personal viewpoint as personal vendetta.

For Jordan, this isn't just personal viewpoint though. This is touching on who and what she is, and this is touching on things she KNOWS aren't true. Even though it's fiction, it comes off very personally, and it just feels like utter vile lies and slander towards someone or something you know and care deeply about. No wonder she ran out crying. I hope somebody can find and help her.


Other things... i'm still enjoying Rabbi Kirov and her interactions with Louis, but most of all... Evie just wants to break my heart. The poor thing genuinely believes she's the evil monster. She doesn't believe it's not her fault, she is convinced, she knows... it's all on her. She's to blame. I hope Jordan can help her break out of that, and maybe accept she is not to blame...

Iwasforger03 wrote: Erisian, you've got your signature link for the feedback thread set to your "chapter 2 is up" announcement, might want to try and get it set to page 1 of feedback, post #1.

Thanks for the heads up! Hopefully that's fixed now...

But thanks most of all for the feedback! It really helps the motivation to keep on going with this! Especially knowing that these characters are resonating and having an impact with readers.

Two more chapters up!

I have two more lined up that just need editing before posting, and they'll complete Part II (and Book 1!)...

Hope people enjoy! As always, comments welcome!

I quite enjoyed both of them, thank you! It was awesome! Still greatly enjoying Jordan. Nice to know the hawk has a name. I almost feel sorry he doesn't get a free show anymore, but that is what romance and marriage are for, Zap me lad. Assuming Jordan or someone can help you turn human.

Good luck Jenna! Brandon seems a decent sort

The last two chapters and epilogue are up! That completes Part II - and the first book!

I'd like to get some feedback on a few questions -

1) Was the ending alright? I'm wondering if it felt rushed at all, but hoping that the obviousness that the story should continue on eases that a bit. Also that enough got resolved to 'feel' proper for a book ending of one in a series.

2) Are the characters coming across with individual tones / demeanor okay? Or do they need a bit more push to make them more distinctive from each other?

3) How should it be broken up as a WhatIF? At just over 130k words, it's a bit large for a single submission. But even the two parts are longish on their own. Yet doing it chapter by chapter would make it 23 separate submissions if done that way. Any advice?

4) Does anything stand out as needing further attention and polish?

5) And, of course, the big question: do you want more?

Feel free to post here or message me!

Thanks to all who've read it (and even more to those who've commented)!

I like it, I'll do some more thorough analysis later. It was good! I enjoyed it, I hope you convert it to a proper WhatIF