Question Hollow/Dice Dicussion

Scene 2 :
- "Kegger had promised he was going to get that particular kind worked out of the gyro stabilizer someday" / I think it's Kink not kind.
- "but “someday” just never seemed to get around to happening." / I have also the same tendency to procrastinate
- I assume this is the formal introduction of the town's super hero team
- "She could only get air speeds of about 100 mph. Milly could hit nearly 300mph, but only in short bursts" / I had to make the conversion (160Km/h and so 482 Km/h. If I recall correctly his is insanely fast by whateley standard, of course this is a WhatIf so it does not matter that much).
- "like he was a mage or a devisor or someone way weaker than he was" Ito would have a field day with her.
- "His tentacle like arm reached up and his rubbery weird five pronged tentacle hand rubbed the back of his head" (I didn't know what Pronged meant, so thanks for making me learn a new word. You are only talking about one tentacle/one hand here, correct ?)
- "it done shorted out" something does not feel right. but this is a dialogue so maybe it's on purpose.
- "they’re firepower" their.
- "buckall" I understand the meaning, I suppose it's a local slang or something like that ?
- "MCO keeps well staffed officers" it doesn't really matter but earlier on you have used They to refer the MCO so maybe you should stick to one ? Don't know, just a thought.
- "if their on staff" if they are
- “I am Sir Lionheart! Duly Knighted defender of the realm by the Queen of England! I bear the blessed blade Ferrum Operatio Raphaelis! Face me and die, Fallen one!” he is quite "kitch". I can almost see a scene latter on in which he would try to recite his line but would be interrupted by an attack mid-sentence.

Scene 2:
- "Master’s little torture. Everybody called her “sir.” They all knew. They KNEW." She is a F2M changeling, caused by the master ? But you have described her as being a female earlier on so M2F ? but he seems to genuinely call her Sir and not just to "insult"/mock her ...

Scene 3:
- Wilson seems to be an asshole but he is a competent asshole.

Scene 4:
- "She dashed after her" after him

Scene 5:
- "There were at least three bullet holes through the boy, and he was bleeding out." I didn't see that one coming, even If I expect something to happen to avoid the death of one of our two main protagonists.
- "“Please… help him, please! If you can help me, please! Take him to a hospital or something, please!" I was thinking about bullets in the head, but thankfully it was not the case.

“At least I’m not the only one embarrassed,” he suddenly added, almost causing her to stumble. By all the gods, did he have to be an empath? She bemoaned.

LOL!

Her nipples weren’t even… do NOT think about that right now, she admonished herself.

Haha!

his wounded hands she had this done

[She?]

Maryville police department

[Capitalize?]

Swat > SWAT [x2+]

can( )eat

(C)aucasian

always (use) another

(A)merican gangs(')

the hard one > the hard way

(J)apanese

some fusion of beetles and dogs(, appeared ?).

creatures(') initial lunge

both blade(s)

a hole(,) the fire

(D)ecember

The glow was ahead of her, but no dice were there, while there was a glow around the dice as well.

[What glow? And so... The left dice were the right ones? 'Cause you said that " She ran straight."...]

I am trying to panic [Is that right?]

(E)nglish

Before Scene 1 :
- « Even when you roll a bunch of ones, a twenty could be just around the corner » : I tend to prefer tabletop RPG when they are using a pool of dice system rather than a straight D20.

Scene 1 :
- «  Samuel Holder sighed » : Good to know, I wondered if those were codenames.
- « Holder spat out his foul tasting coffee in shock. » So the FBI is looking for dice too, but it might not be to harm him/arrest, we will have to wait and see.

Scene 2 :
- « His father set a plate of burgers and dogs in front of him. » : It made me thought a little more about the cultural differences we can have sometimes.
- « Everyone insisted he had to be cheating, but no matter which dice he used, he was just lucky that night, pure and simple. » So it's the classical luck warper drawback, yeah you might have a strike of luck but then you will have to pay for it latter on. Damn, if that's the case it is a heavy toll to pay (I assume) just for one good session.
- The father talking to his son about the fact that his mother loved him in the middle of what is basicly a chase seemed a little awkward.
- Is this still a flashback ? (I think the answer would have been more obvious if I had been reading every chapter in a row).

Scene 3 :
- « They attacked in sequence. Rainstep would throw his water into the sky, then Summer Breeze would take it up and spread it all over. The mist stung and burned and had limited the creature’s movements, forcing it to fight within a limited area. » : interesting.
- «  Years in the Whateley flier’s club » : so it's one of the impact of you putting your story in the Gen2 timeline.
- «  A Wiz type mutant who was also a class 3 rager » I have also thought about a character like that but in his case it's more of a limitation because I don't know if a rager can really use magic at its full potential while being enraged.
- She seems to become enraged rather easily.
- «  Dickenson » Dickinson.
- «  but rather something to do her avatar spirit » : with her avatar spirit* ?

Scene 4 :
- « Endeavor, once known as Brandon Convinzione to the world, hid his inner smirk. » : It felt kinda strange to introduce his real name like that, but on the other hand it's his first PoV so … yeah, I can understand it.

Scene 5 :
- « Broken toys are not as much fun to play with. » the fun part is to see how far you can go until you break something/someone.
- « nice » glimpse into the relationship between Elaine and her « master ».

Scene 6 :
- I have nothing remotely interesting to say.

Scene 7 :
- it's only a matter of taste but I have never really been able to dig into the « pure evil » vilain character. I suppose that's what you were aiming for so well done.

Scene 8 :
- Major asswhooping. He was out of their league.
- I wonder if Breeze will just die or be severely handicapped.

Scene 9 :
- oh so it was Hollow's energy that he has used right away. Well, might as well test it as soon as you get it.

Scene 10 :
- « Why the hell did Princeps have to go to a fucking party? » I foresee an interesting character.

Scene 11 :
- ok so it was not a flashback in the first scene
- «  Go see a psychiatrist dude » Yep.
- «  He sounded more sane with every second » : Sane ? You mean because he is rationalizing it ?

I'm used to d20 systems myself mate.

The FBI will be... an interesting point.

Holder has been hunting for Dice almost as long as Wilson. Only the time delay between when it was brought to Holder's attention vs when Wilson learned of it marks a difference in the length of their search.

I'll try and make the Flashback more clearly marked so you can tell when it ends.

That may be a good point regarding dropping his name in. Hmmmm

Scene 6: maybe it's too short then...

I can find them interesting, but in this case, you may be write. I'm still working a few things out in my head about him. That's why I'm putting this here first, so I can get feedback and revisions before I move to publishing it as a true WhatIF.

I'll try not to overly disappoint with Princeps XD

And yes, the word I wanted was Sane, but I think I should rewrite that scene a touch. Make it clearer why sane is the right word.

When you can’t roll above a ten... [Yay! Every chapter has its own dice-related title!]

Chapter 5

He was reminded again of exactly why it was he had a contract with a being as powerful as Cadrien

[pluripotent perplexing pronoun potential ... Rewrite paragraph to make "He" only be Lion or Endev, else make it clearer who's being referred to...]

Except for those of whom he had a close and often intimate relationship, like his pet Froggy,

[Ditto 'cept I was confused with Princeps.]

sovereignty of magical supremacy and made mockery of both it and real science.

Interesting! "Sciency" Lol. Not a word? So unless you wanted humor, pick another one?

an imitation of the one

That Cadrien wields? The sentence is imcomplete.

rpgs

RPGs [Capitalization matters here, especially?]

but its mystical defenses were weak.

Using "but" twice in main sentence is weird.

these were weak

they were weak. [Direct article is weird here, for some reason. I guess it works 'cause it's Endev's POV, but its too distant from mention of shields? Maybe not? Given the next paragraph, it is in Endev's POV, given the "this"]

by the simple virtue of “like cannot pass through like.”

Lol.

He had total faith in his armor.

Huh. Interesting.

life long

Usually that's a compound word?

Minions were there for mostly mundane tasks, not to support him in super fights.

Sensible, I suppose. But also a bit of arrogance and some sort of bigotry, given latter lines.

minions.The

minions.( )The

He imagined the feeling of horror the hero would feel.

LAZY. ... What if he fought zombz before? Hmm? Endev, u stupid.

Keggers boss

Keggers(,) boss

Lionhearts

Lionheart(')s

on earth

on (E)arth [?]

He doubted even with those wings

He doubted (that) even with those wings(,)

Had Lionheart possessed night vision

[Too far apart from the mention of intense light in the previous paragraph. I was confused until I looked there.]

If he wasn’t blinded

Change into "He had no way to see it, but" 'cause that seems to be the scenario you're presenting, as he wouldn't have been able to use his NV Goggles, and had no way of seeing things otherwise.

Undead were usually close to the strength they had in life without any extra effort on the part of their creator.

Move or add stuff. It seems like it has no connection to the rest of the paragraph, other than the persence of undead on the deck.

"without any" [sounds weird, took a while to understand, but can't think of better way to keep phrasing, unless you change it.]

hosts memories]

host(')s memories

Blades in hand, it sprang upon the thing, shrieking with glee.

Remove, 'cause you have "Her body leapt on the serpent thing" later, so it seems weird to repeat it, unless the stuff with Hallow was a flashback to a few seconds before... If so, mention it?

like a rag

Usually its compared to "ragdoll"...

Another piece of her, however, held no doubts that the interloper would die so she could resume feeding.

Woah.

Her blade slide through those formidable defenses

OH SHIT. "slide" > slid

drinking deeply of the suddenly available food as the serpent prey tried and failed to swallow her.

Lololol!

power gems

Huh.

forgot all trace

Forgot > forget

He had no sympathy for monsters like that.

Hope Caville's good... Still shipping!

razor edged

razor-edged

latino

Capitalize?

“I won’t let you hurt her!”

Cool! She's not cowed!

She had love and protectiveness flowing from her towards the baby within, and Delilah felt the same.

AWWW!

barest flickering of hope

YAY!

He rubbed the back of his head in shame at realizing how simple that could have made this.

Lol!

Barriers

Huh. Capitalized...

keepin [...] gettin

Add apostrophes after the accent stuff? Like "keepin'" ?

Uluru

What. That's common knowledge now??!

the monster Endeavor’s first kidnapping victims,

Rephrase? Monster made me think as size descriptor:

"Endeavor’s first kidnapping victims, the monster!

surprise and hope well up

YAY!

starving

What? Why?? That's really weird. Some magical ritual??

Endeavor’s programming.

Interesting. He plans really well?

“Girls! Stop at once”

Okay, I thought they were programmed to recognize when they were leaving the ship, but, no, that's telepathy...

making mockery

making (a) mockery

Every time he got control of it, it refocused itself on the girl! It wanted to eat her, his link with it told him that much.

Interesting...

It wasn’t a lifeform known to him, but it was made of trees. Not wood, but genuine trees, living ones.

Woah. That's crazy awesome!

It wasn’t a single organism, but more the collective will of many.

Even more CA.

More food! Her instincts sang with the smell of it. So much food!

Lol.

Food! she sang gleefully, bouncing around the air as she cut at her prey.

LOL! That whole section!

out of you,

out of you(!)

I have diced

diced > danced [?]

That was a lie. At the moment, Endeavor was registering as at least third, if not second.

Interesting!

[/b]

Coding accident.

christmas

(C)hristmas

His mystic shields, restored during the time they were not being hammered by the relentless assault of the heroes

The Essence draw of a Wiz-trait is powerful stuff. A baseliner would be hardpressed to do the same?

target what he wished it to

Cool!

The cracks broke and shattered.

The cracks (widened) and the shields shattered. [Cracks can't break?]

He was going to be doing a great deal of running in the near future, just to survive.

He's got the Knights on his side! And Hallow and the others! Maybe he won't need to run?

A growing sense of lust was building inside her as she fed upon the monsters.

Uh. Wut? Lust for who? ... Or What?

empathic range [...] telepathic range

Interesting!

appeared to black

block

“That’s great, but she looks way more interested in the forest!” [...] Dice couldn’t really disagree, but still…

She wants to f**k the forest?!? Lulz. ... You jealous, Dice?

Dice had eyes only for Hollow.

LUV!

A blast of lightning slammed into her face and a hammer followed it as she was hurled backwards. Another blast and another hammer followed, then it repeated again. She slammed into something solid, and something grabbed her hands.

Oh man, he had to attack her... Sad!

Chapter 6
So this is where my luck leads me?

[Huh. Interesting title...]

She did not recall where she was, or how she got her, only that she felt… hot. Hot, all over. Her groin was on fire, and her nipples… but she could touch nothing.

[Well... That's interesting...]



me to(o)

I’m not quite sure, if she does > I’m not quite sure if she does

to(o) much

“I don’t want you to go…” [Aww... Sad!]

If I step a few feet closer, I’ll be able to feel her overpowering lust and… but I’m wrong to stay out here. I…”

[Mmm...]


Princeps had a very neutral (???)

her lack of a bra… her ere-

Dice slapped himself

[Lol. ... The situation's serious, but CutOffMidsentence is usually funny!]

his sense of lust

[*Bzzt* Wrong? That's her lust, affecting you... I think... ... Would it be wrong if he gave in? As a shipper, I'd think she'd want him to, 'cause LUV! But, magical coercion is sorta rapey... But, it's not coercion, is it... It's sorta like an invitation? So confused! Like, likely this isn't gonna go over PG-13 or something... Kristin set a precendent, where if you're gonna go beyond that, you hide it in spoiler tags?]

I think there's like, a 10-yr age gap 'tween Hollow and Dice? So that does make it squicky, a bit, if I'm right on that... I forget what his age is, and thinking he's like in his 20s, 'cause he was on the run for a while? But how long? We've never had a direct statement of his age, have we? ... How old is Princeps?

had take(n) classes

state capitol [capital is the city, capitol is a building.]

Call them Zombies, son. It’s the truth, or good enough. [Not AvoidingTheZWord! Good!]

he didn’t light it. Campus rules said no smoking, afterall.

[Wilson, you got a weirdness about you. If you weren't so rabid vs. Dice, you'd (almost?) be good.]

frantic, angry, disrespectful, loud, and black

[Lol. Black is placed right at the end of that list. ArsonMurderAndJaywalking! Or something.]

The MCO very much wanted Dice alive.

[Interesting.]

Holder didn’t speculate, but it was an oddity he wanted answered.

[Yeah! Find those inconsistencies or whatever!]

thirty seven open cases

[Woah. Is that a lot of cases?]


He rightly believed (that) without

Toy training room #1

[Okay, that's their official designation... Creepy.]

Both of the girls taken from the University campus are still there,

[That explains the other missing girls from the campus... If all 3 girls were mages, I'd suggest a linkup like the Three Little Witches or something to do something powerful to escape...]

“I was knocked unconscious by the boy called Dice just after he entered the ship.

[Is Elaine speaking? ... No, that's Calville... Why is he not responding to the question directly? It seems really weird that his response initially doesn't relate to the question, and Endeavor let it go on for so long, and that it's a response with "I" in it...]

standing orders that Froggy is only to be addressed with male pronouns.

[Ah... But Calville forgot or something...]

I must examine Froggy and see if he is a traitor or just foolish,

[Oh! Right, the Phoenix is sorta shielding her mind! And its reappearance made her giddy, or something, when Dice was carrying her around...]

So, he was Calville’s type. The man was sweet on Froggy!

[YAY!]

He slipped thoughts of Calville and his “gentle, warm embrace” into the head under his hand, suggesting he should accept the man’s affections and advances.

[Uh... I ship, but yeah, Endev... You bad, yo.]

Froggy had disobeyed Endeavor, but for a reason Endeavor desired to encourage.

[Huh. Interesting!]

“Master, I must report abject failure,” he intoned.




She’d fantasized about meeting him…

[Huh... Interesting. There's no girls available to help wash her or something, and the rescued girls... Maybe not the best for their mental state if they're given directives or something...]

I’ll be identified unless I live in hiding for the rest of my life.

[She's been thinking!]

bastard(')s lab

super(s)ized rat

[Origin reminds me of Hard Being Pure...]

but monstrous and legal

[but > both ?]

There was no way she was going to leave him alone again!

[YEAH! ... So, she smells magic or something? Smelling their connection?]

The little blip that was Hollow. It was getting closer.

[Ohh... ... They're gonna spend the night a hotel... *wink wink nudge nudge*]

The fact was… he didn’t believe he could protect her.

[Oh! Insight into Lionheart! Cool!]

Lionheart felt he understood Dice better than that. Dice would never take advantage of her.

[Insights ''from'' Lionheart! Cool!]

A knight kept his oaths and looked after his own.

[NICE!]

I have a delivery for a Lucas Koenig, from a Mrs. Potter.

[Woah. Mrs. Potter Intervenes! ... What's her game? *Ref to my constant suspicion-stuff about her* Lol.]

greek > Greek [x2+?]

I don’t read greek…”

“I do,” Hollow spoke up.

[Wut?! ... Oh right, she's a college kid? She went to the college / university... I keep forgetting that! 'Cause usually Whateley attendees are teens... ... Wait... If they're not teens, they're not going to Whateley? No, the Oracle said they would, but are they gonna be students??]

[Nice song!]

Can you hear the rattle of rolling dice?

OH! The start of a roll (story)!

The “Acadabox” aka Missouri Academy of Science, Mathematics, and Technology

Interesting nickname!

she was a typical

italicize "was" for emphasis?

monday

Capitalize...

It could be worse, so was Kenzie. It was not like she would be alone.

Feels weird 'cause the first bit seems like a sentence fragment that's a bit convoluted?

"It would have been worse, if Kenzie wasn't there. Otherwise, she would have been alone.

Hollow

Using her codename even before she gets her powers, or decides to use it herself? Interesting, 'cause it's a flashback...

As if she was alone in her motivations for her major.

So, that's sarcasm? Maybe better as a descriptor of the way she said that. Connect to previous sentence? It feels weird starting a sentence with "As"...

despite the age difference. Of course, that would have been a problem no matter who Khōkhalā roomed with.

I thought the Kenzie was around the same age as Hallow? So, the age difference would be a problem if they roomed with anyone else?

you can handle it. We studied plenty yesterday. You can handle this.

"You can handle" repeated too soon?

Certainly larger than Khōkhalā’s A cups by a good bit.

ACupAngst? No... Interesting! ... Hmm... Kenzie's rescued, and she gets jealous of Dice+Hallow? Lol.

fridays

Capitalize.

Khōkhalā expected at least a 95 out of a 100. She expected Kenzie, despite her fear, to do even better.

Woah.

scantron

Capitalize?

She smiled smugly at him

Hmm... I don't know if I like "smug", as a personality trait. It's not a typo or anything. ... Well, hopefully she teaches well... Hallow and Kenzie are doing well...

and begin

Began

She’d read a blurb in a magazine article

Interesting explanation! Personally, I'd be afraid of germs, but *shrugs*

she started feeling a bit too warm.

... Why's she burning out? Well, her transformation is extensive, so it has a lot of energy expenditure?

“What I seek will be here?”

Hi! Endev! ... Although, as a prologue, in the normal place, we wouldn't know what's going on...

Linger too long, and my vision cannot see what occurs,”

And a hint at Dice getting there no matter what.

“The Acadabox”

Cool explanation for the nickname!

She had a brilliant idea for a story about an Arrancar that had the “releases” of a Shinigami. It was a little odd, but she was also planning for it to be a crossover with Mahou Sensei Negima, her other favorite manga.

Huh. ... I guess the Vizored / Vizard haven't appeared yet? ... Oh, no wait... Arrancar have a different release style? That's what makes this fanfic different? ... I'm not straight on all the different enemy types...

She could feel her muse prickling, singing itself back to life as she started writing down her plan for the story.

Wait... Is her power Manifest Muse? Making things no coincidence, and just being stuck as a Magic Eater 'cause Transformation Lock Burnout, sorta like Tennyo? An Omnishifter or something?

Scene 1 :
- So They want him just because of the investigation, but at least they want him to interrogate him and not just make him disappear so they might become allies in the long run.

Scene 2 ;
- "The night is dark and full of terrors" GoT has had such an impact that I couldn't avoid thinking about it.
- "The night is dark and full of terrors. Yet, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death… I shall face the evil, and it will quail, for I have more boom,” it is a reference to something I am missing ? after a quick research it could be a reference to a biblical psalm and thus it would indicate a religious upbringing (but with a sense of humor so not too zealous). If I remember correctly this possible kind of reference might already have been hinted at before but I didn't stop to think about it too much.
- "to see very many details" It sounded awkward when I read it for the first time but it seems to be used sometimes *shrug*
- "A lot of hope tonight" I was thinking the same thing yes. When it's the last thing you have at your disposal ...
- "even the thirty or so minutes he’d spent near her were more than he’d deliberately spent near another living person… in a long time." that's a sad and lonely existence.

Scene 3:
- "“Holy shit! It’s that kid! The one the MCO was after! He’s standing out on the field, fucking waving at us. I think he’s laughing and shouting at us too,”" Ok I was confused for a moment and thanks to this bit I have just realized the dropship he was talking about was the heroes's one, not the one used by the vilain. I think it was just me not paying attention enough. The imagery of the previous scene's last part was strange because of my own confusion.
- "He was a black guy just under six feet, with a missing right arm and a really big long jacket. His clothing wasn’t all that distinctive otherwise. Jeans and a jacket that looked a bit too thin for winter." thanks for the reminder because I had honestly forgotten about much of his description ... Sorry.
- "I’ve never seen one go after a human before, but it’s a type of spirit I’ve encountered before" I think the repetition of before could be avoided, but at the same time it's just dialogue so it's not like it HAS to be avoided. people don't follow that kind of guidelines when they are naturally talking.
- "Then the MCO was gonna kill her, or she was gonna kill them…" That's a problem I have sometimes (no, not the killing part), whether or not I should use the third person singular to refer to organizations or the third person plural. But again this is dialogue so he does not have to be consistent in his way of talking about them etc.
- "We was pinned down" I am guessing this is intentional and I will stop talking about it. (and that's why kids/teenagers shouldn't avoid going to school just because they are suspected of having killed their own parents !)
- "I can find her. I WILL find her. I just need a map and a grid of squares divisible by ten. Give me that, and I will give you his location." Dice codename should be Swiss Army Knife (it's strange that in english you have specifically added "army" to this name, *shrug*)
- “Luck. I’m an odds mangler,” Dice said. Suddenly a trio of dice flew up and stopped in front of Lionheart. “So I’m gonna roll the dice.” I thought it would be thanks to his Esp Power. We will have to see how it will go but it's a little strange to link this to the reality warper trait at first glance unless its power will affect where the vilains will go ? or maybe his luck will allow him to guess it at random.

Scene 4:

- "It was more than the look. It was the smell." and yet he must not have taken much baths in the last couple of year *ba dum tss*
- Are you sure it is not a latent ESP power ? (the smell thing). (as a reminder this is not a real question)

Scene 5:
-"Two of them slept below, powering the engine together." I have a vision of the F4 parody from Venture Bros (with their Mr Fantastic using their Human Torch to power the building)
-“What the devil is going on b-” I was thinking he wanted to say bitch for a split second until I remembered that it must have been boy instead.
-« That meant he had plenty to waste on frivolous things like magically getting dressed. » It's still a bad habit to have.
-«  He was still providing her with the hormone treatments she had been taking since she was still a little boy » so now we have the confirmation
-«  She couldn’t sense or feel it at all, but her master was certain the spirit of a phoenix resided inside her hallow » because of the bleach reference earlier in the story, I have a Zaraki vibe from this. Even if it's not unusual for a spirit to not directly communicate with his host, some are just affecting their host's behavior.
«  Almost enough to make her believe it was genuine » abusive relationship, yay.

Scene 6 :
-«  and the Contract. » I love the smell of foreshadowed lore in the morning.
-« by a mage or more likely a shaman, » would a self taught mage be able to understand the difference ? Well, you have said that he had used the internet so maybe.
-Usually I love when a character scream at other to let out all his burried emotions but I don't know why here I was not really into it. It didn't feel the same. It was not bad, just not as satisfying.
-I have just thought about the fact that maybe this scene isn't set before the previous one and then it would mean a third party is currently attacking the ship.
- « “Are you as flexible as a real octopus?” Dice asked. » Or not … I was thinking about the rat-man for the one who would sneak into the pipelines.
- « There’s this chick, Reach, I met once. Real tough beauty. » given that they alternate on a regular basis between guy and girl, I think he should know about the fact that she isn't a she. Maybe. Well you have said « once » so they have not met at whateley and not for a long period, but then why would he know about their sexuality ? I suppose it does not really matter anyway.
- «  I could kick any baseline marine’s ass good » I have a flashback of Morpheus's Harbringer explaining to the leader of her team why he was a moron for thinking that a marine without power relevant to the mission shouldn't be on the team.
- «  it had been so long since he felt this happy or hopeful » enjoy it while it lasts.

Scene 7 :
- not much to say on my part. Maybe just that yes his religious upbrinding has been confirmed and that I just said/thought « ok » to the description of his barriers.

Scene 8 :
- Endeavor's plan for his « battery » might not have taken into account where this energy originated from.

Scene 9 :
- « Wouldn’t that be a fun surprise? » well, maybe, but I don't think they are in the same class.
- «  I could use a battery » this man has a battery fetish.
- «  villainexplosion »
- I don't know if the intertwined flashbacks and PoV achieved the effect you were aiming for. I mean, it was not confusing but at the same time to know that he had joined Froggy and Hollow meant that he would successfully avoid Endeavor no matter what for example.
- «  When he did, her head banged off the wall harder than he’d intended, and a screen popped out, and came on » I am going to put this on his luck powers. And by the way I eagerly await the luck backlash.

Scene 10 :
- Our trio is forming itself. And it seems Hollow will be able to clean after Dice's mess caused by his backlash. Or rather it seems she will need to eat his mess.

Scene 11 :
- « Her head snapped back from the slap. » I needed that
- «  I don’t know how he did it » take your pick : Psychic power, magic power or just plain emotional manipulation and a deep fear of him.
- «  I’ll come back for you if I have to travel to the stars » (Even if ? And he likes beeing cheesy).
And the phoenix is here.

Scene 1:
- "Why bother, when one could manifest and control fire hot enough to melt steel?" offensive spells are not the only way to deal with an opponent. we will see if his cockyness will be his downfall.
- "nor did he attempt to dodge" I have flashbacks of the "Dodge!" running gag from DBZ abridged ...
- "He had total faith in his armor." I am sure it's going to end well.
- "The Syndicate offered too many benefits to him to ruin his paid membership to them." there is also the fact that the syndicate don't just drop you after the relationship is over, they tend to screw you in an alternate way.
- "They’re real purpose was to ensure" Their
- "It was his debut, he wanted to show off." you mean he had never done anything publicly before ? No one had heard of him before ? I mean maybe before he was trying to be subtle and he has dropped all pretence now for some weird reason (he could have gotten Hollow far more easily if he had tried to do it sneakily). I don't know, I am willing to believe it but it seems weird. *shrug*
- "The world needed to know he was dangerous" Unless he has an ego fetish (but then why would he be sneaky before ?) or wants to dominate the world (the ego and this are kinda linked) ... maybe it's a direct/necessary part of his plan.
- "The corpses of his former minions" Maybe you want to avoid the "corpse" repetition ? Using something like carcasses instead ? Just a thought.
- "the creatures of outside" same here for creature ? I mean, you don't have to avoid repetition if you don't want to obviously.

Scene 2:
- "Being a rat with human intelligence had to make things difficult for him" (would you take it wrong if I said that reading this made me miss Grim Grendel's character Dr. Evans ? If you have not read her WhatIf, you might want to give it a try. It was awesome).
- "He didn’t give his own ass" I am pretty sure you have already done that job before because at the time I thought something along the line of "admit it, you choose for him to be a rat just to be able to make that pun/joke". I am not complaining.
- " It was impossibly long and huge, a serpent of some sort. It had arms… and as he watched, something else ripped free and became wings on its back as it tore itself out of the earth, which seemed to crack and shatter." for some reason it made me think about quetzalcoatl
- " It was bound to be too strong." aaaaand the twist is that he is in fact really weak or maybe even just an illusion. I know it won't be the case, but it would have been funny if it had been.
- "Lionheart resisted the urge to roll his eyes" I didn't.
- "Then they heard a second massive scream issue from the earth below them." nice way to end the scene.

Scene 3:
- "She could see and think and to an extent, reason," Shouldn't it be "She could see, think and, to an extent, reason." ?
- "Her memories recalled him vaguely," but did they ? because I don't think she has met him before (in the story) ? I mean, maybe she has seen him on television. it's probable if he is a celebrity and if she is interested in that sort of thing.
- "on the open air" repetition right after the first one.
- "as it pursued her" maybe I am nitpicking (and anyway you are free to not take this into account, as always) but maybe you could replace her with something along the lines of "it's new prey" to avoid the "her" repetition.
- "than her prey" prey repetition but maybe you can use the repetition to reinforce the idea that she is focused on one thing and one thing only. Maybe that's what you were already intending to do anyway.
- that's a lot of shrieking.

Scene 4:
- "only for her signature shriek" .... it's the right word.

Scene 5:
- "Most of the crew was disciplined" those who weren't got killed so ... it's the natural selection.
- "Then he noticed it had cut into the floor pretty easily" if he is planning to do what I think he is doing, that's the worst heavily protected room ever (but often people are assuming there is only one way in to protect obviously).
- "hoping that would be a good opener." In an alternate universe he has tried to say "follow me if you want to live".
- The offer repetition ?
- "“Why didn’t you say you brought heroes!” Hey ! He could have been one himself after all. People don't introduce themselves by saying "I am a hero, let me help you". Ungrateful hostages è_é

Scene 6:
- Nothing else to say than thank you for giving us a debrief of the situation. it's easier to visualize it now.

Scene 7 :
- Nothing.

Scene 8:
- "That was a lie" thank you
- "At the moment, Endeavor was registering as at least third, if not second. Only the sheer mindwarping horror of what constituted first place could unquestionably trump the supervillain. It was a toss up compared to second place." that's a lot of info dump in a short period of time, and what the hell kind of live has he lived in the past 3 years ? We need a prequel ! or It will be explored in the sequel.
- "He’d be incredibly vulnerable to the inevitable attacks and encounters with so many precious resources expended" it 's not like the FBI and/Or the MCO are waiting for this battle to be over to arrest him, right ? (foreshadowing his lack of mean to escape).
- "I’ve seen one before, in New Hampshire" Is it ... is it supposed to be the same kind of thing as the Grove at Whateley ?
- Is Hollow just tracking/targeting essence ?

Scene 9:
- “Sleep!” and that's why mind control magic is better than offensive magic in a lot of situation.