Idea Polk's Reviews Revived

Okay, so I'm starting this thread out again, because I thought it was important to bring out the really special stories, and although not every stories I read will have a full review, I could at least do this, to revisit those that really, really left an impact. And one recently did leave an impact, no question about it.

For those who don't know me, I used to do reviews of stories of the Whateley canon, the first generation. Did one review per stories, and even some fanfiction, but it slowed down a lot with time. Not that I lost interest, but things happened. Hopefully, I can still drop a good one once in a while.

But this story had me on edge for a while, made me really feel something, and I've really, really itched to read more as I went. It felt like I was reading a real novel, with evolution, and plot, and plenty of parts happening. I was drawn in in ways I haven't felt in a while. Although there were a lot of characters involved, and a LOT of explanations that bogged the pace down, it was centralized enough on the main character that I could simply center myself around him to feel much less lost, and the many explanations helps this style of story: the mystery novels.

... And I'll admit right away, I'm a sucker for mystery novels.

So I am talking about the Big Idea by Bek D Corbin.

It's a huge story, very, very long, and I get why, since there's a lot of information to dig through, a lot of science, and possibilities involved, not to forget the emotions, and characters that have to be noted. It's a HUGE project, and as a writer, I can only imagine how much planning was placed into this. In school, I remember being told on how to write down a plan was important before writing a text, and so far, even now, I tended to just plan in my head instead. But this? THIS? As a writer, I can only imagine how many things you had to consider, criss-cross, and find a manner to expose the reader to all this to make sense. I'm seeing a painting, and I'm wondering the technique behind it, the brush strokes put behind it, and I'm in awe. I want my writing to get better, to be able to do this kind of work. (Then again, this isn't the only story to make me feel that way, but still a mighty stroke.) In any case, I've got some work to do.

The story starts with Harley... I mean, Harlan (Yes, it does repeat a lot in the story. Yes, I was real glad when it finally stopped), also known as Reach, a stretcher who wants in on the Sky Kids, and as his first attempt to get in, gets a kink with his power, and fails horribly. He gets chewed out, a bit unfairly, I'd say (Every cadet had their own version of the facts that could have failed in their own ways, really), and Harlan walks out in defeat, Holdout commenting that he's determined, once he's set himself on a goal.

And boy, is that true.

The boy has determination, if that's the word. Even if he has to do the most laborious, boring jobs, he sees it to the end, if it means getting to his goals. Harley is a good kid, with a good heart, who's gotten some bad luck, and some trouble. You can really empathize with him. He's usually full of hope, and bright. At least, it starts that way.

It's not long, before we get to a more minor character of the story, yet still central to it: Jenny Etincelle, AKA: Spark (For those who wonder, her last name is the French word for 'spark' too. Does that count as a codename?). This cute, adorkable gadgeteer/devisor from France, with a bit of a fandom to Girl Genius (yes, I know the webcomic) just makes me want to hug her to bits. Okay, she has her moments of revenge, and arguments can happen, but she's truly nice, in Harlan's eyes. She does get lost in her Big Ideas, up to a point where she loses sight of time and the outside world, and that might just show the dedication she might get to her projects.

... And speaking of France, there is a little bit of a bilingual bonus for those who know French, and lucky me, I got to partake. For those who don't know, my first language is French, so the translations were... Workable, to say the least. Yes, Bek did put at the start of the story that this was done with a translator, and it shows, but it's nothing too major. I can see where the program would have struggled with it, and with a word for word translation, I can see how the sentence would be written in English. It doesn't always work. I'd propose myself to be a translator and help improve the sentences, though I bet I wouldn't be the first to make the offer.

The story doesn't take too long to kick into gears though, and we start with Harlan's quest to find Spark's thief... Which is a Red Herring compared to the main plot, where Heartbreaker places a seed of doubt in Spark's friend, Vitesse (translating to Speed), and Jenny gets completely the wrong idea, plotting revenge against Harlan.

As soon as I saw Jenny start to plot, I was shaking my head. Knowing this kind of story (this is Whateley, after all), I had a mighty good idea, and all I could do was hope, wish, damn them for not talking to each other, like rational people, before going into accusations. It's like watching the train come around the bend, know there's a tangled track coming ahead, and all you can do is watch as it all unfolds. You can wave, you can shout, you can plug your ears, and make a prayer, but you can't peel your eyes away from what follows.

Poor Harlan. Poor, poor Harlan. After working so hard, working so well, and being successful after so many failed attempts with the Cadets, seeing the trap start up and lock him in was painful. Ow.

The following scene in Carson's room was quite fitting of what might happen there. An explanation of what happened, clearing up the culprits, the 'Vigilante speech' from Carson, and Harlan walking in, with the new form, to show the consequences of said vigilantism. It really drives the point home in the end. Harlan is obviously upset at being betrayed, and Crason is rightly outraged at what happened.

Now, had this been solely a story about a TG change, the incident would have ended there, and we would have Harlan follow the usual tropes of being in a new gender, and adjusting. The typical story. The whole trap would have just been an accident meant to make the transformation happen, and that would be it...

But it isn't.

Instead, the trap was modified, in a way that Jenny would not have planned, knew Harlan was on the straight and narrow, and possibly would have killed him. So instead of just being a reason for transformation, the trap becomes part of a much bigger plot. There's another villain in the folds, that needs to get caught, and thankfully, a team of intelligence gathering has already been introduced, and we know how they can work.

The story becomes a much bigger mystery, along with the high school drama, and the awkwardness of the gender change. It's a mix I can definitively approve of.

Now for a while, as everything moves around, Harlan fumes about being back-stabbed, and Zoe starts to talk him on why he should forgive her, rather than dragging his anger, on and on and on. "Is all that frustration worth throwing your chance at romancing the girl you tried so hard to impress?"

And it works, because the following scene where they talk, and make up is oh sooooooooooo sweet. When he finally listened, took her in his arms, and kissed, I just had to smile. It warms my heart.

Now, this... Wait, wait, no, this is the perfect time to talk about this, actually. I've been reading a lot of Bek stories lately, and I've been noticing a trend. I can't just skip over the timing here.

What I've noticed at times, is that the story will pause, and one character will monologue for a while... Not exactly monologuing, but more like giving a full-on sermon about a point, without any rebuttal. Like somebody dropped a soap box, climbed on top of it, and started giving their opinion like it was a one-sided debate, or a preacher to the crowd. "I'm right, because I'm right, and I said so, and there's no room for debate." This is usually followed by the story proving them right, in no uncertain ways, and I don't know how to feel about it. It's very subjective. If I agree with the sermon, I can feel great about being proven right, but if I got some objection, concern, or straight out disagree with it? It can leave a sour taste in one's mouth.

Now, time to let me get off my own soap box, and continue with the review.

Hrmmm... Let's see...

First, a little bit of experimenting with femininity... Meeting with Jadis (always entertaining, that one). Yeah yeah, I have to skip some material, it's already big enough as is... The first meeting with TNT, clever name, BTW. The trio are very cliche, in a fashion, yet almost cartoony in the way they react. Made all the better with their later reaction to their last encounter, when the one with half a brain finally realizes they're being played. Not that I sympathize with them, I just found them to be the perfect 'bully' archetypes.

Afterwards, we get to the first real meeting about the central mystery of the story, and the cadets group together. Before I do go on another tangent though, I will mention how good it looks for Harlan to speak up for himself, and take charge of the investigation away from Ace. At the beginning, we saw him pretty much fold in front of the leader, and now, he's stepping up... While being smart enough to give the authority to someone he can trust, with some experience on the matter. It's a very good growth on him.

At this point is where I'll have to cover something that can be grating at times, if done at the wrong moment. Since the investigation really begins to get deep at this point, we have a loooooooong part of giving theories on who might have caused it, followed by counterpoints, arguments, why it may have happened this way, why not, etc, etc, etc. There is a LOT of information given here. Some that matters; some , not so much. This moment can really slow down the story to a crawl, and it stretched the pacing to no ends. We see this often in Dianne's writing, with Aquerna (the little I've read), and Phase. It makes one sometimes feel like it doesn't end, and the plot drags it's feet along.

The example that I want to pick up here is a bit closer, with Natch's story. I've read up to part 3 of that Christmas story so far, and it took me a moment to pinpoint where I had issues with the story, why I wasn't having as much fun with it. There are some mighty good points with it: the characters have a lot of personality and uniqueness between them, especially with the contrast between Sunburst and Natch, two personalities that couldn't be any further apart, yet are forced to live with each other. The characters are quirky, almost like an anime, yet clever, for the situations they're in. It's witty, funny, and I like the concepts being worked in. There's a bit of a lack of a central storyline at the first chapter, but it doesn't make it less fun.

The problem though, is that it lags itself down in countless, sometimes pointless, explanation after explanations. It first kicked in the first chapter when Natch started on her deduction of why it was a demon, and rejecting parts left, right and center.... And yet we barely do anything with the information. There's a whole setup, deduction, but in the end, there's little to no payoff. But I really, really noticed it on chapter 3, when the 3 witches (right out of Winks Club), the werewolves and vampires infiltrated the vault for the mirror. There were paragraphs, after paragraphs of how a trap would be set, how it couldn't have been set that way, then back and forth, until I can see God peek out from the clouds and go: "Get on with it!" The concept of 'talking isn't a free action' seems to stick here, you'd think they would have gotten trampled over a long time ago for this. It just takes too long. Not that it isn't clever or informative, but it makes what could have been a quick scene, and makes it oh so complicated and loooooooooooong.

That's what drags me on about reading Natch so far. It's a fine balance, and I believe it's dropped at times.

In the Big Idea? The big complicated explanation has a much better place.

It's a mystery. There has to be a lot of details, and deduction happening. There is a crisis, a hidden danger, and you don't know what. You give the reader possibilities, yet without giving the full answer, if you haven't spirited the real culprit away, to be found out later. It also has a payout by the end of it. It is complicated as heck, but it does make sense, and you want to read more for it. You're given little nuggets of payoff every few parts of the story as you progress, and the reader is hungry for more. I can accept it here, and it fits.

At the same time though, I will also have to mention that some discussions are simply skipped, or skimmed over. Sometimes, excused by being French only, others because it's simply not that important, or entertaining. It's a bit of fat trimming, and I can appreciate that. The story is already long as is.

That said, I can't possibly go through every points, and theories going through the story at this point. I'd go mad. Most of it makes sense, though there's a few things that still puzzle me by the end, but I don't think I can take the time to go through it with a fine-tooth comb. I'll try to stick to the bigger, more dramatic points.

A point I will mention though, is the concept of 'The Big Idea'. It is the title of the story after all, and should have a big focus. A mental state, not too far away from Dricking, where a devisor is completely focused on their task, and will ignore everything else, including eating, and sometimes sleeping. At least Jenny had some friends to help support her. It's an interesting idea for another devisor symptom. I like it.

And I'm not afraid to admit it, I've had bursts of inspiration to make me do that too, even if the idea isn't so bright in hindsight.

Which is also why I considered if Spark wasn't the culprit at times. That she deeply knew that Harlan was good and liked her, but inside, she wanted for this to happen, to cause it, blindsided of the possible consequences. It almost felt like she preferred Harlan as a female at times, after all. It would have made 'the big idea' the cause of the whole trap, of the whole issue. Of course, this was only a theory, and mysteries tend to cause this. You have doubts on who might have done it, thoughts, and those can be discarded later on. I also had Kaiju on the radar for that, and it could have happened, it just wasn't in the cards.

I also have to mention the symbiote suit that Harlan has to wear. I can only imagine how skin-tight it must be, yet how handy it must come. It's always a sticking point to stretchy heroes, when their suits can stretch as much as they do. Mr Fantastic wore his suit when he got changed, so he's got that excuse, but not all of them do. Harlan's got a few extras though.

Ah yes. The attack on Nephandus' 'den'. I thought it was hilarious. I had a feeling everything wasn't as it was supposed to, as soon as they came in. Still, that had to be EMBARRASSING.

I also have to mention about Harlan changing back to a guy, I can't just simply gloss over it. Yes, it does break the unwritten rule about everything making sure they stay female, but the fact that they lost the exemplar traits along with it was a pretty big hint that things just 'weren't meant to be', that things were better when he was female. Oh no, young boy, you're going to turn back eventually.

And speaking hopscotch with the gender barrier, I reach TNT, take 2. Much more violent, and the trio haven't learned their lessons, and this is also where Harlan gets back to the female side. What seems to trigger this? Something that I don't believe was mentioned previously in the story, but his father seemed to be the focus of quite a bit of rage. It's important though, and I will have to come back to this point later.

Later on, we do get to see kaiju, and I'll have to admit feeling sorry for the girl, considering all she's been through, including in her home country. She is pretty smart, but stuck in a reptilian body... Some would like that, others, not so much. Ah, life can be so cruel. Do wish we had a bit more time with her through the story, but everyone has their turns.

As for Harlan's lesson in... Feminine discovery... Okay, I'll leave my mind in the gutter for this one, and try not to stir my imagination too much. Moving on!

Then in comes the Nephandus trap, and TNT, take three, and... I was surprised. Seriously surprised that Tee-Kay was smart enough to just back away. The option that usually never gets picked, and it works like a charm, blowing up in the Bad Seed's face. How poetic. I couldn't stop grinning.

Then in comes the ambush from Wizard, and it's after this point where the story really got to me. It's when the roller coaster of emotion really, really got intense, and I had to keep reading. By the time things settled down, is when I knew I had to write this very review.

The ambush itself isn't exactly special. Yes, Wizard was dangerous, and he had plenty of tricks up his sleeves, but it's shown quickly to be a Red herring. The fact that the arena was the same place where the TNT fight almost happened might be a lampshade for this.

The real crisis is when Jenny gets ambushed at the same time. When she got knocked cold. This is when you notice there's a curve ball coming, and none of the good guys saw it coming. When she gets consciousness just long enough to realize she's been strapped to her own machine, the same way Harlan had been. This is when I really, really got concerned. We know that machine is dangerous, and it can have lasting consequences, considering Harlan. Doubly so if used for a long period of time.

Now, since my head was already filled with theories, I right away thought of how this could go. I thought of two results: A: she was going to come out with a brand new BIT, and was going to be gorgeous too. Happy ending for everyone involved, despite the attempted murder. I thought it might have been too simple, that it couldn't be it, but I held on to that hope.

Or result B: That she would come out as a disfigured case of GSD, a monster by looks, cowering in the corner, in fear of her new form... Only for Harlan to still accept her, take care of her, and they could still be happy by the end, that looks didn't make as much matter in the whole thing. I thought this might be the likely end result.

I also considered that she might be killed by the procedure, but I discarded that one as too unlikely. If it had gone that way, the story would have just been a tragic ending, and I didn't think it would go that path. There was still potential for Jenny... But death is still a possibility.

So when Harlan runs down the tunnels to try to save her, I'm cheering for him. When Wizard tried to stop him, I just wanted to punch him, and tell him to stop interfering, wanted to tell him Jenny really was in danger. When he reached the door, and did what should have been impossible, I found his determination amazing. When he found that she'd been covered in goo, along with being changed, I was simply filled with dread. The fact that Harlan had changed back to a girl barely registered as an 'Of course'. Even during Carson's debriefing, all my thoughts were on Jenny's fate. On how she must have gotten out, how they must have the results by now. They'd pulled the same trick before too, back when they revealed Harlan being turned into a girl, they didn't show the consequences, until the meeting was done, and it tugged at my curiosity. Getting the gritty details was fine, the investigation was important, but god-fudge-it, I wanted to know what had happened to dear little Jenny.

And then, they let the bomb drop. I had two-three possible outcome in mind, and in this case, the story threw me a curveball, and gave me another possibility. She turned into an egg. A large, black, impenetrable egg. I think I felt something press against the back of my heart when I read that.

Now, I've always liked transformation stories, even a few pictures in mind for cocoon, and egg situations, so I had plenty of things running into my mind of what this could mean. The possibilities A and B that I had previously was still possible. Beauty or GSD, she might just hatch that way. It just meant that the possibilities were now that much wider on how she'd hatch out... If she'd EVER hatch out! She might even be stuck in there forever, who knows?

... And I realized that the story could let her hatch or not... And that it would take it's god-fudging time doing it, while pulling at my heart strings like a cruel bard... All I could do to ease this, was to continue reading.

So at this point, I'm wildly emotional, and we get delivered the fact that Kaiju has also disappeared. My mind was divided on it. One part was worried that she might be in real, very real danger, and she needed rescuing, right away. The more paranoid part told me "Wait. She could be behind all this. This is a mystery story after all, these kind of double-crossing happen all the time!" The fact that Jenny had been turned into an egg, by a girl who's part reptilian just brought up the image of Jenny coming out as a dinosaur. That this was Kaiju's plot, her revenge on the world.... It made sense at the time... Okay, maybe I was a little disturbed, but the possibility was still there. The fact that her footprint was part of the evidence only hinted off toward her even more!

So when Harlan feels guilty about Jenny? I really sympathized with him. I really did. I wanted to hug him, pat him on the back, tell him it wasn't his fault, and that things would be okay. Somehow. No wonders he was depressed. Seeing him curled up in the bed, trying nto to cry, I cried for him.

There is a little bit more of the mystery being investigated for a moment, to give some leeway, before more drama piles on.

Then in comes Quentin Sawyer, Harlan's father. I... I despise the man, to be honest. If TNT was the classic bully archetype with a slight twist, this guy is the picture perfect version of an abusive, venomous father. He never seems to give anything positive, complains about just about everything (with a few exceptions), and EXPLODES with insults on Harlan at ANY opportunities, no matter the context. It doesn't seem to matter in what way, this man fills everything he touches with venom. The fact that he no longer has custody of Harlan is a blessing.

I'm tempted to say that the man seems a little too two-dimensional, maybe a little too stereotypical, that he's there just to prove a point... But I've learned, after so many hours of customer service, that this type of person exists.

It's just too bad that his visit couldn't happen at a worse time in Harlan's life.

So yes, every time Connie, his aunt, put him back in his place, I'm cheering for her.

What makes it worse, is that he's constantly insulting Harlan, over and over, while we've had to live things from Harlan's side. We've seen him struggle. We've seen him conquer, get stronger, smarter, get out of jams that would have put a lot of people in a stretcher. He's a really good kid when you've been through all this. Even when he was hurt, and vindictive at Jenny, he was still able to forgive her, and be happy. (Yes, I have grown attached. I realize.)

And if his father isn't able to see some good out of his kid, that he wants to make him miserable, then he doesn't deserve him. I wished to shake him long enough to get some good sense through his skull.

It all comes to a head, when the news of Kaiju comes, and said 'loving father' (Yes, I'm running low on sarcasm at this point) decides to shove it all on Harlan, like it was all his fault. The kid who'd just spent two hours overlooking the egg of his girlfriend in grief. Harlan's already down, and his father, of all people, is kicking him while he's down. I'm screaming internally, even as I'm reading this a second time, and the 'man' gloats once Harlan wakes up as a boy once more.

What's making it worse, is that the father's speech and taunting seems to be working. Harlan retreats mentally, and just seems to nod, like he's lost the reason to live. Even when the most supportive people around him are just about shouting him that his father is full of it, he just drags his feet along, and soon to be taken away by his abusive father.

Remember what I mentioned about putting on a soap box, and preaching? We have Connie and Zenith doing just about the same thing, speaking about how abusive he is, and Harlan just doesn't seem to listen to reason. It's frustrating to watch, and I'm sure his friends and aunt feel the same way. I'm just waiting for the first punch to fly. How can Harlan look up to a man like that, and think he's always right? I don't see it, and that may be because I haven't experienced Harlan's childhood. We never did see how ingrained his father is, except a few flashes here and there.

This is the pit of despair. It's the moment of pure dread. Jenny in stasis, Kaiju missing, and Harlan just shutting down mentally. I felt powerless. Utterly powerless, and things would be getting from bad, to worse. I just wanted for Harlan to find a point where he'd snap, and turn on the father. He's more of a villain in this story than the Bad Seeds and Alphas assembled.

Things start taking a turn when Interface, of all people, the guy who'd mostly been making fun of Harlan all story long, gives him a pep talk, and how Harlan's not thinking right. Somehow, that seems to click something in place, and Harlan is about to give a piece of his mind to his father, when something more important kicks in: Jenny is starting to hatch.

Of course, he runs for her with everything he's got, and I have to cheer him on even more... Even if I don't know what will come out of it.

At first, she comes out, almost insect-like, confused as heck, and my jaw drops. "She did turn into a monster." But when Harlan reached out for her, and she revealed the beauty under those plates... I was so happy. "She's going to be okay. Little Jenny is going to be okay. More than okay! YES!" It was simply heartwarming to see the two of them together, and I can only imagine how good Harlan must feel at that point.

Then, Harlan's father steps in, lets out his snide remarks once more, about Harlan's sweetheart, and doesn't realize what he'd just done.

With guys like Harlan, it's one thing to pick on them, it's a whole other ball game to go after those they care about.

So the retribution, the vocal smack-down that Harlan gives to his father, after SO MUCH CRAP he's been under is OH. SO. SATISFYING! He returns everything people have been saying to his father, right back at him, and that determination he's had this far comes back, rearing to go.

After so much despair, there's finally a light at the tunnel, and it is glorious.

After all the mystery that's going on, after the battles and the plotting, it all seems to fail in comparison to this emotional event. It all fades out in the background for a moment. I was simply happy enough to see Jenny being fine, and Harlan snapping out of his father's hold. That felt like the big climax, that pulled me out of the pit of despair, and the good news after that was simply the afterglow.

By the time that Harley and Jenny are in bed together, the story could have ended happily there, and I might have been perfectly happy. Yes, there would have been the mystery still going on, but I was happy, one way or another. The mystery, at this point, was extra, sweet filling.

Not that I want to lessen the danger of the attempted murders though: they're nothing to joke at, and still enjoyable, I just felt this was the high point of the story. If the story would have ended here though, it would have left way too many lose ends, and it does allow an epilogue chapter to Harlan's character growth.

Though I will admit, it is BS that Ito decided to call Spark for the Combat final. The fight was hilarious, especially when Spark found out the cables did nothing (just like some googles.), not to forget the 'chick with power tools' moment... But it was still unfair.

Of course, before we can get settled, and comfortable, there's the attack from Belphegor, keeping us off our toes, and he steal fully happens. Seems you could have dressed Belphegor as a giant fish, and paint him red at this point.

But it also got Harlan back into a girl, and we have round three with the father, and this time, he's having none of it once more. Up to the point where SHE finally figures it out. That she feels better as a girl like this, that she's comfortable, better, and that she's a whole lot more than what her father tries to force her to be. And she's going to be FABULOUS at it, and if he tries to force her back, he's going to feel the shockwave. This is just the frosting on the cake as far as that case is involved.

I will have to mention once more about sermons, when Connie starts telling Haley not to harass her father any further, to just let him go... And yes, it is a little preachy. Wise words, preachy, and I can agree with that. Heck, part of me wish I would have had those kind of pep talks when I was younger (maybe that's why it feels a little out of place for me.) She does try to bring up some of the good points about the father, how the grandfather was worse, how he worked hard for his family, but at this point, personally, he still had no right to treat Harley that way. If there was some redeeming quality about him, there should have been something that should have shown it previously. Yes, it does give the character some dimension, and that's good, but... Yeah, maybe I should also learn to let him go at this point.

Another smexy scene going on, a bit of experimentation, and a good moment to leave my mind in the gutter for a few hours, thankyouverymuch.

Few more, and then we get the detective callup from Harley, who has it all figured out, and explained everything. Again, very complex stratagem, lots of info, and theories being put, and we finally get to point the finger at the culprit. I believe there may be some small inconsistencies there, I'm not sure. This review is mostly to write about how I feel about it. not going through all the parts with a fine comb for all the evidence. The only bit I can remember that wasn't fully explained would be Goodvibe's speakers being put in the first trap. Otherwise, it's a mighty good theory, and by the look of how things went, it was the right one.

Glossing back on the story, I can see a few spots where Romy would have acted shifty with everything, even contradicting herself at times, but honestly? There were a LOT of possible culprits placed along the way. Everyone could have had a motive at some point or another, with some possibility of arranging part of the problem. The only real way for a reader to find everything fitting at once, is to have a whole lot of notes, and map out the whole picture. Romy would have to be the one with the method to pull it all off.

Back to the scene though, there is another phase of danger, as they try to pin down Romy for her crimes. It certainly was an interesting gambit, and made all the more dramatic when there's a kink in the plan, with Kew being disabled. It's dramatic, tense, and very well done. Maybe not as dramatic, and page-turning as when Jenny was strapped to the table, but still up there. It's a third act, where there's still a chance the bad guy might get away, and a chance someone might die. It's good, certainly, but we haven't exactly spent the most time with Kaiju, and we have no ideas about the death trap there is. It's dramatic, but not as intense at it was before. Everything's unwinding at this point.

Still, by the end, everyone was saved, some got away from detention, the mystery was solved, and Jenny and Harley got their happy ending. I can definitively smile at that.

What I do find a shame though, is the conclusion. It left me with a bitterness in my mouth. Why? Well, the final word was the status of Migraine. "But at least for now, Migraine is someone else's headache." Okay, clever sentence by Carson with the nickname, but... Even with all that happened, the plotting, the attempted killing, even after all that, I still held some sympathy for Romy. Her fate, by the end, was rather cruel and unusual, by any standards. Can't feel anything, going insane... It's a sad, sad fate for a young girl.

The story, by the end, make it sound like we should feel victorious over the defeat of Romy, that the punishment was fit of the crime, but I didn't feel that way. I still pictured Romy the way I had experienced her when I read the story, as a shy, reserved girl, who had a power that had a sucky backlash. Almost to an underdog level. You might even say she was close to Jenny in that fashion. I still pictured her that way, and I bet Vitesse might have seen that too.

Yes, Harley created a profile for her, a possibility, even a theory of how she might have a motive, how her psyche might have fit for for a psychopath. Even had proof with all the facts she had hidden about herself, and how she got caught red-handed with the fake distress call, and caught in action, on camera. I understand that part. Yet I still couldn't fully picture Romy as a complete villain.

The problem is that we never got to experience that part of Romy. She never got to either defend herself, she never faced off against the heroes, never saw her 'outside the facade'. Yes, there was an explanation, but it wasn't enough.

This is the problem you might face when offering all the facts as a sermon or preaching in that manner. It's the basis for 'Show, don't tell'. Experiencing versus showing. Your friend may tell you that a movie is the greatest fiction in the world, but once you watch it, you may end up disappointed. Experiencing it though, gives you something much more solid to build upon.

In this case, if I had to make a comparison, I'd go over the fourth case in Phoenix Wright 2. In my experience, it is an amazing piece of writing, and I wish people would get to experience it properly without spoilers. There may be a little here, so I'll try to be as generalized as possible. Yes, there is a psychopath in there. Yes, 'it' is revealed, and when you see it the first time, it's hard to believe. But afterwards, you get to see the whole picture, you get to see how twisted 'it' can be, and you get all the venom that person carries. It's a shocking sensation to experience. So when the punishment at the end happens, it is glorious. It feels great to see 'it' fall.

We never got to directly face with Romy's psychotic side, so when the punishment is dealt, it doesn't feel like vindication or justice dealt. It feels cruel, and... That's a sad note to end a story on.

... But in reflection, it may be a bit of reality making a statement.

With all that I've just written, I'm pretty much asking for a face-off between Jenny, Harley and Romy. I'm asking for a cliche comic-book climactic ending. I'm asking for a whole picture, the whole pie, and that's a bit greedy. I always believe in the saying 'No villains tells themselves that they are evil', and I do like to see it that way. It does feel mighty good, gives dimension.

But in reality, you don't tend to get that. There are psychopaths out there, and no matter where they may come from, there's no reason for them to explain themselves. In a police procedure, they can make a profile, but never get to see said results. The perp may never try to explain themselves, or may be sent to an asylum to get treated. In a fashion, it's the same as for supervillains monologuing: realistically, you don't tend to see that. There's no reason for it.

In a fashion, we might be lucky that we get such a description of Romy's new form: it might be a metaphor for what she really is inside, just shown on the outside. It may be closer to her mind that we'll ever see.

Still, even if it did make sense for Romy's fate, I would have appreciated the ending to be on a lighter note. Ending with Harley's new dress might have been a better finishing line.

But I'm not the writer,

And this is only my opinion.

I'll admit, I loooooooooooooved this story. I wish I could have had more time to spend with Harley and Jenny. I feel like I've just finished a really good novel, and the only bad part is that I gotta hug them goodbye. It was a mighty good run.

But for now, time for me to keep on reading for the next story.

Gosh, it's been a while since I wrote one of these. Feels pretty nice, honestly. better get off my soap box, and... Okay, maybe I do preach a bit too. There's a time and place for it, after all.

A very good review of one of my favourite stories Polk. It's hardly surprising that it is so long given the length and complexity of the story itself. I know that I always seem to find something new each time I read 'The Big Idea'.

While Reach and Spark have had cameo roles in some other stories since this I have always wished that Bek would write a sequel to 'The Big Idea', I really love the interaction between the two.

John.

rubberjohn wrote: While Reach and Spark have had cameo roles in some other stories since this I have always wished that Bek would write a sequel to 'The Big Idea', I really love the interaction between the two.

John.

Excuse me? Cameo roles? In "Wine, Women, and Ayla" where Jenny and Reach are important in Charge's attempt to woo Ayla? Cameo, bit part?

elrodw wrote:

rubberjohn wrote: While Reach and Spark have had cameo roles in some other stories since this I have always wished that Bek would write a sequel to 'The Big Idea', I really love the interaction between the two.

John.

Excuse me? Cameo roles? In "Wine, Women, and Ayla" where Jenny and Reach are important in Charge's attempt to woo Ayla? Cameo, bit part?

Fanboy's definition of "Cameo" - "Less then 100% of the story was given over to my favourite characters"

elrodw wrote:

rubberjohn wrote: While Reach and Spark have had cameo roles in some other stories since this I have always wished that Bek would write a sequel to 'The Big Idea', I really love the interaction between the two.

John.

Excuse me? Cameo roles? In "Wine, Women, and Ayla" where Jenny and Reach are important in Charge's attempt to woo Ayla? Cameo, bit part?

Sorry Elrod, I don't think I've got around to reading that one yet. I'm rather behind in my reading at the moment.

John.

rubberjohn wrote: A very good review of one of my favourite stories Polk. It's hardly surprising that it is so long given the length and complexity of the story itself. I know that I always seem to find something new each time I read 'The Big Idea'.

While Reach and Spark have had cameo roles in some other stories since this I have always wished that Bek would write a sequel to 'The Big Idea', I really love the interaction between the two.

John.

Hee hee ^^ Thank you very much. ^^ It was a long review, but I just had to do it. Only took about two, days to write, while at work? Two and half? I really got a shot of inspiration once I was done with the story. I had to write it down.

And yes! More cameos from that would be sweet! Woo hoo!

Hrmmm... A sequel? I'd be tempted, and if pulled off, I'd be ecstatic, but I doubt it, and I doubt the impact would be the same. Reach's personal growth has had a major arc, especially since she accepted her new persona. I can see new mysteries being investigated by the Spy Kidz, I can see more inventions by Jenny, and I love their current romance. It feels like most loose ends have been cleared right now. If there woudl be a sequel, it might have to get a focus on other characters, or they might stagnate. It would take a really good plot to follow-up to this one, and I do see talent in Bek, this one would be a tall order from the get-go.

All right. Another review after so long. I haven't had the best of times for reviews, had my hands quite full, but I have been making some progress on the stories, and nothing got me the itch to write a review. Nothing seemed to 'wow' me to the point where I had to write a review, and I've lost the taste to write negative reviews. I searched for times where it felt worth the efforts to go back at a story, and see what's going on with it.

That is, until I hit Whisper.

Why? This is where I contradict myself with my previous statements, because I didn't really enjoy myself reading it. In fact, there were multiple points where I had to turn off my phone, and look away from the story, even other points where I considered skipping this one, but I kept on going, telling myself that this was a new character, might be central to the stories in the future, and some people do enjoy her it seems. So I forced myself to keep on going, try to see what I'm missing.

So I'm reviewing this to find out what's so wrong here. It's not bad to the point where I want to pull my hair out, but I'm... Frustratingly disappointed? Detached? It's not always like that. There are some good moments, but a lot of it doesn't connect (and there is a lot of it), and some situations feel fabricated or forced. I understand it's for plot convenience, but it really pulls me out of it.

I want to find out why. Why I was so uninterested, when I've seen so many of these elements before. In fact, I've written some similar scenes myself before, making me feel guilty for writing them. Yet here, all I wanted to do was pull away.

Whisper's power package all of itself feels all over the place, maybe even overloaded. She's part Fey, part Merry, part Hive, part Neo and part Robocop. Slightly watered down versions of said powers, but still a mix of all that. She's got magic and technology mixed up. She doesn't have the utility that Fey has, but she can do things with it that are unprecedented. She has Merry's technopathy, without the mental issues or shocking after-effects. She has Hive's nanites, including some regeneration, but none of Hive's trauma. She even has Hive's military knowledge, thanks to the nanites’ database, without needing the actual training to do it. It's so many powers rolled into one, she's like a Swiss utility knife: one mutant for every occasions. Granted, her magic is currently limited to her stealth, but even Fey and Wallace say she could be real powerful.

But if that's not enough, I could even start nitpicking smaller details. She got military software from dead nanites on a school trip? Kind of a stretch. So she's a Sidhe that's filled with nanites? Wouldn't her synthetic allergy make her burn up from the inside out? I suppose there might be a reason for it when you account that Geo used magic on her. But when she spends a while whining that she can't taste meat, but then finds salmon delicious, it feels more and more like someone is trying to find ways to bend the written rules.

Piling up everything together, and it feels like the Mary Sue levels are pretty high on her. There's a balance with how powerful a character can be until it feels like writer's will meddling over the rules of the universe. It's often balanced out by having equally effective or powerful forces, but I don't see that here, even when the forces involved should be more competent.

Granted, it doesn't feel that way at first. In fact, I rather enjoyed the first three parts of the story (at least, most of it). There is plot here. There is intrigue. There's issues going on inside the world of GEO, while the players deal with the real world in the first section, then the drama, and worry about Brian almost being killed, then wrapped in a synthetic cocoon. It's drama that makes you wonder what's going on and watching what the parents and military personels struggle to investigate what's going on. Even if in the back of my mind I knew she'd be okay, I was still troubled inside and hoping he'd be fine. Even when Whisper find herself in her own little virtual world, and we know she isn't dead, things are still unclear and it does feel weird to go through all this imagery. There are some small issues, like how pacing is affected, but it's part of the troubles of an introduction, and setting things up. It's not perfect, but I could still go through it no problems.

Problems start coming up afterwards, and although it's not blatantly obvious, it's gradual as the story progresses and magnifies as we go. I'm struggling to be able to pinpoint how things are wrong, and I'm tracing back my steps.

I think it all starts as soon as Brian finds out he's in Whisper's body, in the VR world. As soon as he finds out that he's a 'she', of course, she's upset. Even more so after a body check, doubly so when Fey tells her "Yup. You're a girl now". Brian just breaks down, and starts crying.

But...

She may be crying, but I don't feel it. I feel so very little empathy to something that should shake Brian's identity to the core. There is a little bit of description of how he feels about it, but in a story that takes so much time describing how things work, when it comes to telling how he feels about being a girl, we get very little development. In a first person story, where the character's thoughts should be at the forefront, 'I'm crying' doesn't throw in the feeling of how upset they should be. What hurts this sensation even more, is that afterwards, it's as if those emotions are just washed away. She's back to normal, even using the same kind of humor.

I lean forward and smile at the girl in the mirror. Perfect white and straight teeth smile back at me. Her eyes are a brilliant green with silver traces. Her eyebrows are shaped perfectly with the bottom of her bangs just touching the top of her eyebrows before dropping to perfect points at the sides that end at her lower jaw line to accent her heart shaped face.

I switch from a smile to an air kiss and I am transfixed as I watch her lips form into the perfect kiss as her cheeks form the cutest dimples I have ever seen. Oh my god! If she wasn’t me, I think that I would be head over heels in love right now. Actually, I think I am in love with her. The sight of one of her delicate elvish ears as I brush her hair back with my hand just seals the deal for me.

Does this feel like somebody who's upset about having her gender changed?

Now it wouldn't be so bad if there was a lot of things happening to distract away from the gender topic. In fact, at first there is: figuring out what's going on, getting out of the nanite coffin, and so forth. The problem though, is that from this point on over half of the story's content is about how Whisper faces female stereotypes and how awkward/upset/sad it makes her in response. It's the third law of genderbending over and over (look it up on TvTropes). How many times has she had the same reaction to dressing up in women's clothes? Every time this happens, I don't feel her embarasment. In fact, about most of her reactions are written up as jokes or humor. She might be upset, the words she uses might seem upset, but her actual reaction doesn't sound like it. Humor might be a coping mechanism, but I can't connect emotionally if it's used all the time. Is she okay with being a girl? Is she trying to be male? Denial? Does she hope to get fixed back to male one day or is she okay with being stuck as a girl? This response wasn't instantaneous, I'll admit, I could mentalise myself the 'why' she might be upset, but the more the story carried this, the more disinterested and distanced I got.

I can be thankful that there's more to Whisper than just the gender switching stuff. There's a lot of power possibilities behind her, and she gets to explore those quite a bit. I have mentioned it's an overloaded kit, but the experimentation does give a bit of fresh air I can enjoy when it happens.

And now, as I'm re-reading it to get some examples, I got to one point that kept coming back to my mind. I might as well mention it here, as I lead on to my next point.

This bit of a scene is when Brianna, her mom, and Fey leave to their home for the evening, and our Sidhe queen decides to stop the car. Tells her to read her, then to read Brianna, and how Brianna is still mentally a boy in a girl body.

She turns to me with tears streaming down her face and pulls me into a slightly awkward hug due to front seat and back seat geometry. “Oh Brian, I’m so, so sorry for trying to force you into being a girl. I should have known better.”
...
“No Brianna. It is my fault. Until Fey, sorry.” She glances to Nikki before returning to me. “Nikki, forced me to really look at how you felt, I had no idea how hard it is for you to be a boy trapped in a girl’s body. The things that I take for granted and didn’t give a second thought about, are very much not normal for you. I promise that from this moment on, I will do my best to not try and force you to be someone that you’re not.” She says as she starts to tear up again.

I'm... Speechless. I'll admit it, I'm speechless here. I'm rubbing my eyes a bit, because this emotional outburst comes out of nowhere.

I went back, and read what happened before this scene, and I can't spot what his mom did wrong. She didn't buy the female clothes, didn't have much choice about the flowery soap, and the decision to get a female name was Brian's initiative in the first place! What did she do to feel so guilty? How did she jump to that conclusion so quickly? What did she do to try and get Brianna to be turned into a girl? (As for how sorry she is, she's not exactly trying too hard, insisting she carry a purse everywhere afterwards). I understand Brianna deserves some sympathy, but this much? At this point?

In fact, it feels like just about 90% of the people who see Brianna just seem to love her. They sympathise with her, treat her nicely, maybe even go to extremes to help her out. As before though, at first, it makes some sense. Everyone around her knows she's been changed by an accident. Of course, her mother cares, Fey and her father are responsible, Edmunston did get her into her current situation too... But the more this goes on, the more like it feel everyone around her gives her special treatment. Her sister suddenly gets a change of heart, when earlier they were bickering. She even looked up to her 'big sister' just instantly. It's even lampshaded by Brianna during the night. Everyone at the lab and airbase seem to 'appreciate' her presence. She seems to even get an instant BFF from a girl she barely met. That's all, of course, accompanied by her mother's coddling.

It does push to a point though, when they pull in federal forces to cover for her. After the H1 attack, there is a debriefing, Mr Smith suddenly seems to be all smiles in the middle of the questioning. He even goes along to sit down at her table later on, just to stare at her. The strings pulled to cover her when the MCO tries to get her, the defense forces they mobilise to protect her from the CIA and even pulling the president on the line to get her to safety feels like overkill. How many resources are put into this?

On reflection, why are they protecting her that much? Yes, she's a kid, she needs to be protected. She also has connections to Fey and Rilley, so they do have to cover themselves. As for DARPA, she's loaded with nanites from their own system, and a key element in their new investigation on GEO and magic.

In fact, we also know she's got an immense access to their network. In the incident with the Red vs Blue game, she was able to remotely take participation of a simulation miles away form her location, on a secure server, and control operations from the background. They don't have any ideas how far her control could go. Yet, when they find out, they cover up her actions, don't even give her a slap on the wrist, and just about forget the matter. That little side-story didn't even have a purpose in the end, because a few chapters later, Mr Riley is surprised that she has control over networks and digital devices.

So why is she let out in public without a bodyguard? Why is she let out to go shopping in the mall with civilians, let alone without hiding her mutant traits? Why is she allowed off the base at all? They could have ordered from the internet, or get someone to shop for her again. It'd be the kind of case they might have to secure her tight to make sure their systems aren't breached any further. Why do they hide her at Jim's home instead of bringing her in after the attack from the CIA? His home is a lot more exposed than any of their bases. The MCO was literally at their doorstep! Why are they that loose with her?

Why?

Well, it wouldn't be much of a story if she was locked down tight. She'd never got to Whateley. She's let out so she can get attacked by H! in the evening, so the MCO can get a trail. She's left with Uncle Jim, so we can have even more exposure to those feminine stereotypes. (An arc that had so very little purpose in the grand scheme of things).

It's the only explanation I can get: Story convenience.

Things wouldn't happen this way unless the writer wills it so, and my suspension of disbelief is thrown to the wind. It sucks, because I know sometimes stories have to make things happen. You have a plan, and you want it to happen as you want it, but it's not always perfect. But with all I've noted up there, I can't ignore it all.

As I said though, it's not all horrible. The method of writing is very well structured, some good humor at times, lots of references I was able to catch, and there are some touching moments. Whisper does seem to slowly evolved into her girlhood as it goes, even if it does wobble back and forth multiple times.

What I do wish to give praise is the setup for dramatic situations. Starting with Brian dying, then being found in a cocoon, and the mystery to save him, the incident with the Red vs Blue simulation, the H1 attack, the CIA kidnapping, and the MCO situation, Whisper has caught herself a lot fo trouble, and it felt serious as it started. She could have been caught and bagged multiple times. I definitively felt tense under the pressure...

... Which I can't give the same praise for the delivery. The starting situation with the transformation was good, it was developed well, they found a way to link everyone together, and explain how to get Brian out, even if some luck was involved. The H1 attack was definitively tense, with danger involved, even adding tension when the survival rate kept going up and down, even more so when Whisper is shot. It may have been a short scene, but it definitively delivered, even post-attack, when investigations start.

But the Red vs Blue? It died as quick as it started. There was no real reason to have that included. The MCO narrowing down on her? They got to the doorstep, and we barely heard from them again, (though they do hint at follow-up agents in the sequel).

The CIA kidnapping was the best start of a dramatic arc, when they introduce the CIA boss willing to bend the rules to Whisper's kidnapping in the base. There's a chance she might get kidnapped, experimented on, and maybe never seen again, as she's taken in by trained agents. The only reason she got away, was because they underestimated their readings of her powers. It was a close getaway, and she barely got loose with only a bullet wound on her. Just to keep the pressure, the CIA boss even uses his influence to cover up their attack, turn the tables, and make HER seem like the dangerous mutant. It's a powerful villain moment, and Whisper seems circled. She's gotta go undercover to get away. It's an incredible setup at this point with lots of danger, enemies all around, and a villain that's willing to push his power for results...

... Unfortunately, the rest of that even was like a roller coaster with one huge climb, one huge drop, a little bump, and a slow 20 degres slow slope down to the main station. Once Whisper is under cover, she doesn't get discovered, doesn't run into the agents that got her, and the CIA boss gets taken care of in the background. This just wasn't satisfying at all. By the end of it, I just had to ask myself: "So what was the point of all this? To get Whisper to stay at Uncle Jim's for a day or two? Just get her on her way to Whateley already."

I know I might get comments giving me some flack for doing a negative review like this, but I had to explore this at best as I could. I had to push myself to finish it, and although there were some interesting moments, I can't fully recommend it.

If I had to propose an edit to it, I'd say to first trim down the story. It is long, and filled with too many details at times. I did wish at times I had a way to fast forward, especially with the X number of dressup scenes. There's also a time for humor and a time for emotional connection. Just because someone say they feel like crying, doesn't mean we understand why, and cracking a joke at that moment just points the opposite.

If you want to point out something I may have missed, or discuss it, please do give in sone imput, and try to convince me otherwise.

In the meantime, I'll try to move on to the next stories. Hrm. Maybe I'll give gen 2 a quick turn before moving to Kayda.

Considering that the Whisper stories that have beed already published won't change, do you have any suggestion on how the author could improve his writing moving forward? Points to consider during the planing phase or the editing phase that might catch and fix some of the storytelling issues you pointed out?

Point out improvements for future stories? Tricky, since I'm more used to having what's already written to bounce things off. More so since I believe there will be other stories already written, but let me see.

The power set is already placed in stone, there is no changing that. Now that she's in Whateley though, I doubt things will get easier. She might get more tutoring and training, but I also see things growing more and more complicated. It'll be a whole other level, and a new difficulty curve. Balance the power scales

I don't see the struggles with feminine stereotypes to go away. At this point it's part of her character, part of what she has to face. It's her evolution as she grows. She'll either get to reject them or accept them. But I do hope it gets toned down just a little. She's already faced a lot of it as is.

I would also like to be more emotionally involved with her at times. Multiple times, I saw her tear up, but I didn't get to attach to it, to sympathize. There were some legit moments, but I didn't get to feel what Brianna was thinking at the time. When she really lets the waterworks out, describe what she's feeling, and let those feelings show in the way you write those sections. It might sound angsty at times, and you don't want to go overboard, but I think it will go a long way in making everything feel much better in relation.

Ooh! Nice review for Whisper! Although, I would have liked some quotes, to get precisely what you're talking about... Oh, you had some, just not where I thought they might be, or in the density I was expecting...

Gah... So long... Okay, main points to talk about. On thinking about it, I can't disagree with any of them, but I could try to throw up some justifications...:

Emotional Detachment: Like, Gamer's Mind, from The Gamer? Perhaps a part of that mental combat package, allowing, well, this:

Allows the user to calmly and logically think things through.

Allows peaceful state of mind.

Immunity to psychological status effect.

Fish vs. Meat Taste stuff: Fish meat is different from steak, and stuff? Sidhe are adapted for pescetarians or something?

Everyone likes her: A glamour of some kind? Although, that explanation can only explain so much? But, these people have been in her presence for a while now, so anything that can be explained by them being sufficiently kind or even stupidly kind, to her, can be explained by that?

The Glamour is sneaky, like her?

Sudden Emotion Switch when looking at herself in the Virtual mirror: Eye Powers? Weird that they work in the Sim, but it's like a dream / Astral World... *Plugs, Bestie, Eye Contact = Best Friend!*

Crying: Well, she did think she was dead, for a bit?

Polk Kitsune wrote: The power set is already placed in stone, there is no changing that. Now that she's in Whateley though, I doubt things will get easier. She might get more tutoring and training, but I also see things growing more and more complicated. It'll be a whole other level, and a new difficulty curve. Balance the power scales

Given the mechanics behind much of the power set, Whateley could be one of the more dangerous places for Whisper. Rated as a gadgeteer, so let's welcome someone new to the Workshop with multiple interworking nanite colonies! She wouldn't mind if we borrow a few, right? ... except, I don't recall if she has the nanohive support to replace lost or destroyed nanites indefinitely. She also may not have the tools and skills to avoid having one or more sets reprogrammed (Unintended software package updates while joined to the network as a node is a possibility, as D33rCr0$$ is one of the most pro-active IT security folks I've ever read about. )

Then there's magic. No matter how good you are, there's always someone stronger, better, or just plain sneakier. Or, not as good, but they've been saving Essence a looong time for that one rainy day. On the other hand, WIZ-4 essence draw without the iron will to hold it all in storage = hilarity ensues.

Polk Kitsune wrote: I don't see the struggles with feminine stereotypes to go away. At this point it's part of her character, part of what she has to face. It's her evolution as she grows. She'll either get to reject them or accept them. But I do hope it gets toned down just a little. She's already faced a lot of it as is.

Putting Whisper in Whitman might be a step toward toning it down, because the transgendered characters seem to get hit with the "You must act your new gender, NOW" stick fairly hard, in-story. For example, there must be dozens of copies of Princess Bride on campus; Lancer's probably one of the only owners expected to keep it hidden in a box. (OK, OK. The Twilight Saga does deserve to be staked and burned, but that's for crimes against literature.)

Polk Kitsune wrote: I would also like to be more emotionally involved with her at times. Multiple times, I saw her tear up, but I didn't get to attach to it, to sympathize. There were some legit moments, but I didn't get to feel what Brianna was thinking at the time.

I'm tempted to ascribe part of that to getting the Sidhe gestalt rebuild by someone mistakenly grabbing more than just the mechanical systems blueprints marked "female", and part of it to Brian being in shock from the start and not having time yet to do much more than learn to fake it.

Why thank you for the comments. ^^ Not enough quotes? True, maybe, but I was struggling to find my points, the problem with not taking notes when I read. I wasn't planning a review, until I was done.

Now, let me put my thinking cap on, put the straw in my mouth, and... Let's see...

- Pescetarians? Maybe, but considering the way Fey mentioned it, it felt more like an issue with the race, and genetics. That eating meat doesn't really do anything for them, maybe even repulse them. Fish or beef, it's still dead animal flesh. You might say they're oranges or apples, but they're still fruits. I'd even push the point further, and say eggs should have the same treatment, but my case might seem weaker there.

- As for crying, yes, she did think she was dead, but it was right after she'd observed her female body, so the reaction doesn't quite link to the death part. As for the emotional switcheroo? That's a stretch, a real stretch, and it still hurts the emotional impact one way or another.

-Everyone likes her is linked to her glamour?... I...

I...

Huh... Ngh...

Dammit, it makes sense.

I'll admit, I'd thought about it at some point.

It does make sense that her glamour might affect other people's perception of her, and make them like her so much, even more so with exposure. As long as she can focus on them, they'll be attracted to her. And contrary to Fey, she never learned to dampen this feeling on anyone, so they'd get the full blunt of it. Even the security dog fell for her when she looked at it long enough. Heck, even the last H1 thug fell in over his head for her, when her whole mind was focused on him and his buddies.

This is even more proof in evidence with the people who hate her. The CIA boss never got close, and same for the MCO manager. They never got exposure, so they have different feelings on the topic. They only see the potential threat. Had they met Whisper in person, they might think quite differently.

Who else was part of that 10%? The magician guy seemed indifferent, but him, unlike others, would have some mental shielding. The CIA agents? Wait, no, doesn't make much sense, since Whisper did have focus on them. The MCO agent trying to take her away? Because he never got to take a good look at her? What about that salesperson at the Victoria' secret store? The one who reported Whisper to the H1 people? The second salesperson was affected, so why not this one? Mental trauma?

In any case, logically, it makes sense that people fall for her.

But as a reader, is it still any less irritating? Yes.

The fact that it's glamour at work makes sense, and it's also only mentioned a few times across the story early on, so that detail goes to the background quite a bit. It's forgotten for a long while, yet it's effect carry on. So while we read, the fact that it's glamour doesn't strike you, and all you get from the unreasonable sympathy and support is a feeling that it's just too much for no reason.

-Rebuilding nanites? I do believe she has, even if she has to eat food, or consume materials to do so. How else would you explain the creation of the cocoon that enveloped Brian with the Geo transformation? And we already know she has vented out a bunch of dead nanites.

-Someone borrowing a bunch, interesting, but even the people who were supposed to have programmed them, couldn't give orders to said nanites. Though I would admit it'd be quite scary that someone hijacked Whisper's body and altered her mind through said programming. *shudder*

-As for magic, yeah. I do believe the saying is: there's always a bigger fish. And considering she'll be coming to the Sidhe circle as a freshly minted member? I see a pretty mean pecking order coming around.

So yeah, Whateley might be a very, very dangerous place for her. Now in more ways than one.

-Being put in Whitman? Isn't that kinda dangerous for her to get found out? And wouldn't Brianna be on edge at all times, even when in her room? Isn't the point of Poe to put those forcefully TGed children in an environment that lets them ease into their new gender role?... Okay, not the whole point of Poe, but still, it sounds like having a specially tailored vaccine, and not using it, saying: "Sorry, no. We'll take the risk of the deadly consequences over autism. Thank you very much."

-Bad template being put over? I understand the theory, but that's a serious stretch, and if it is, so far, the story doesn't really give any hints to it. And if it is, and still makes sense, it still doesn't exactly make for an interesting read, considering what follows.

Polk Kitsune wrote: Maybe, but considering the way Fey mentioned it, it felt more like an issue with the race, and genetics. That eating meat doesn't really do anything for them, maybe even repulse them. Fish or beef, it's still dead animal flesh. You might say they're oranges or apples, but they're still fruits.

There might be / are different kinds of Sidhe? Maybe Whisper's is one that has some special "Adapt to Nanites so she doesn't just die" mutation, assuming that the nanites would be bad for normal Sidhe...

Oranges and Apples are still fruits, but oranges are juicer and citrus. [Overextending the metaphor? ... Or not? I'm no food scientist, and don't feel like researching? ... *sigh* ... Fine, 1 quick Google... ... Okay, fish has less sat. fats, there's Omega-3s, etc. ... And then the fish might have been seasoned well, or something...]

Polk Kitsune wrote: The fact that it's glamour at work makes sense, and it's also only mentioned a few times across the story early on, so that detail goes to the background quite a bit. It's forgotten for a long while, yet it's effect carry on. So while we read, the fact that it's glamour doesn't strike you, and all you get from the unreasonable sympathy and support is a feeling that it's just too much for no reason.

If it was mentioned, since we're in Whisper's POV, that would mean that Whisper has to know of it / think of it, but she doesn't and it would be weird if she did, because she has no reason to?

So a massive UnreliableNarrator effect? *shrugs*

Actually forgot she has a glamour! Just made a guess!

A couple of quick things.

The nanites in the sample were a mixture of "dead" and deactivated nanites. Her original technopower reactivated the deactivated ones and left the others alone.

“I’m kidding. This isn’t really ‘Grey Goo’ and the vial is quite safe. The nanites in here are deactivated test bots from the labs here. The nanites in here,” he gives it a shake, “are no more dangerous than the dust in your grandma’s attic.”

They also don't survive away from her for very long. Or at least the medical ones don't.

The bit with her mother and Fey in the car. It isn't one thing that her mom does, it is the culmination of a series of minor things, where she treated him like he'd always been her daughter.

As for her sister switching over? I don't know if you have siblings, but my siblings and I would fight like cats and dogs, but if something from the outside showed up, we were there for each other.

That is quite a bit of information to digest. Woof. But oh so very welcome.

Kristin does have a point about the review, and I've faced the other end of that stick at times. I do know that there may be some underlying logic behind the events I complain about, but I have to review the story as I read it. Sometimes, my reaction may be what the writer looks for in the plot, that something just feels wrong is what's supposed to happen. But there's also the possibility that it isn't, so I have to take it at face value. If it's the writer's purpose, then it's spot-on. If it isn't, then I've drawn attention to it. It's not always easy to stay on track that way though: "Did I read that right? Or did I miss the signs, and painted the wrong picture?" It does happen that mid-review, I spot something I miss, and overthrows all the preconceptions I had.

And from the other side, as a writer, you hear those comments on how things feel wrong, and you've set things like this for a purpose. I've bit my tongue trying not to spill something out for this very reason. So I do sympathize there.

But all I can do is go with what I feel when reading, be it good, bad or ugly.

With all of Kristin's comments though, I am curious about what will happen at Whateley. I am intrigued... Sounds like things are complicated at Whateley (understatement of the century).

It is true that Whisper's mutant trait, by itself, isn't that much, and that circumstances have given her something beyond that, but it is still part of her power set essentially.

That is quite a lot of info to digest, and does put things in perspective, though two points I will mention in your argument...

For her nanite swarm going near a giant magnet, she already has. She was put in an MRI machine, and it did scramble her head and programs, but the namites are still present. Not to say a second exposure wouldn't cause bigger issues, but it does leave a precedent.

As for Fey, Aung may have been the one to have made Whisper what she is, and a connection may be there, but Fey has spent two days with her. She still knows the girl on a personal level, so to say there is no more connection might be a much... then again, I have no ideas what the separation will entail, so I might be wrong here.

But even then, I will give the next one another shot. Maybe even another review at that point.

Okay... How do I do this?

Soap box goes here... Sign here... Marker, here we goooooo. "Possible. Angryyyyy. Rant. Fox. Doesn't. Bite." ... Well, not without permission.

So why am I starting with this? Well, I'm considering another story for review, and... Well, considering past comments, I could do a more in-depth review, going scene by scene, but it might take time if I do that, and in my current mindset, I might be a little rash. Then again, it's part of why I'm considering this review.

I'm... Upset.

Clearly.

I know I am. I'm trying to keep it bottled in, and screaming on the inside. I'm trying to stay calm, I'm trying to stay objective. I'm also getting a feeling I'm not the only one who might have said something to the authors, and at this point about a story that was written years ago, so I'd rather not hurt anyone's feelings either.

I've just finished reading Loophole 5: Whilst Any Speaks.

It's not the whole story that has me upset. Not the writing style either. In fact, there's good stuff in there in parts, and I did enjoy quite a bit, with a few scuffs around...

The bit that does have me upset though is a scenario in that story that I just thought... Handled things way too poorly. All that it's left me is upset and in disbelief.

The whole scene within the minds of Cavalier and Skybolt.

I could go into details about what I've felt on that one, but if I'm going to do that, I might as well do it in full review. I'm not asking for a rewrite, I'm not asking for corrections of to pick up the torches and pitchforks, but is there anything I should be aware of before I plunge into this one? Explanations?

Polk, you're not making a lot of sense, so I put my gut reaction on hold in an attempt to try and figure out what you are talking about.

First, did you skip the other four Loophole stories? Because if you did, that's likely your problem in the build up to one of the most important stories in the canon arc. Jumping into WAS cold is really not recommended.

Second, if perhaps you think this was any of the following I've been accused of... (Deep breath)

Let's rephrase. The story starts the ball rolling on what will be a significant plot line through the Alphas, and other events that I won't discuss for massive spoiler goodness. What happened was planned, discussed extensively with the cabal (TINCC) and in private conversations I had with Maggie. The story that was published back in 2013 was cooked up in 2011 with Maggie's involvement so you're looking at something with four plus years of planning behind it, it was not done in haste, meanness, spite or anything else I've been accused of. So I ask you to please tread lightly here, this is an old wound and while I would be happy to discuss the matter, I warn you it is a sore spot.

Yeah, I know I might not be making a lot of sense, since I'm not explaining how I see the picture from my point of view. But if I did go through everything as is, I know I'd be reopening what I guessed were old wounds. I don't want to just run over that just because I feel vindicated or butthurt, even more so if there are reasons behind it. Part of why I'd rather have a discussion and keep things cool. I have enough experience in customer service about people screaming at my ear about things I have little control over for that. I can only imagine a fandom.

Yes, I did read all of Loophole up to that point. Didn't skip one. I will admit I did skip some stories to got to this point, but so far, my Loophole checklist doesn't have any... holes.

I know everything is planned. I know you have discussions, even a whole bible of things that are happening. I doubt the other authors would have been okay had anyone raised an objection, even more from Maggie herself. So I don't believe anyone would do it on purpose without a good reason. I'm also guessing you're as tired of this as some of the others are.

If you'd rather we discuss this in PM rather than a whole feature length, I'm open for it. If you'd rather I drop it, then it's fine too.

Considering that I've been waiting YEARS for you to get around to one of mine it makes perfect ironical sense you'd be pissed about something.

No, you don't have to drop anything and of course I'd rather hear about the story you loved if I can clear up honest misunderstandings I'm happy to. Of course in matters of opinion your view is just as valid as mine but if I crafted something that led you to a wrong conclusion I'd glad to clarify things. But if you read it the way it was intended and just don't like it, well, everybody's cup of tea is different and if you want to be sure you read as intended I'll be glad to chime in.

Not to toot my own horn here, but ...

At the point I came in, there were almost no new stories being released. The Fey, Aung, Cav and Sky, Alphas - all those plotlines and more were hanging (and some still are). There was suggestion that I wait until the authors got into year 2 (which we FINALLY recently did) to bring in Kayda, making her canon. I pushed and finally just put her at Whateley in the spring of 07. Morpheus deferred, and has expressed regrets for doing so because of how long it took to get to fall 07. Had I not done that ..., well, we'll never know what would have or wouldn't have happened.

EE was the first to pick up, and to bring in new POVs to the story-lines, a lot of dangling threads had to be tidied up. EE did most of the heavy lifting on that, to the point we could actually write more of the Gen 1 stories that touched upon Team Kimba. Had he not done that, TK would probably still be off limits due to the dangling plot items.

There is a ton of back material I had to sort through to get in line with the plots, so when EE says things were planned, he ain't jokin'. Try over 60K e-mail / message board entries to sort through, including about 2 dozen variations on a theme for just one plot event. There was a lot discussed, lots planned, and when authors vanished, lots thrown in the air or blender or garbage can. Some went through all 3. As the other semi-active author at the time, EE was the only one tidying up. Basically, the reason I'm giving this history is that we KNOW there are some discontinuities. We're lucky there are so few. EE put in a helluva lot of work, and it's likely the way some issues resolved is jarring. Please take those things with a grain of salt. EE labored under dire circumstances (and later, after we figured out we share a brain, I helped ) to try to keep Whateley moving without tossing the old characters. Don't be too hard on him for doing heroic rescue work.

Basically: The disappearance or vanishment of key authors for a variety of storylines screwed and snarled EVERYTHING to hell (<--- my interpretation based on reading Elrdo and Nalley just now). Nalley and Elrod did what they could with what they had, worked with anybody who would help/respond to them, and finally, eventually, wrought upon Whateley Academy-verse something that would be both readable, potentially enjoyable to a majority of the reader base, and allow the plot, characters, and universe to finally advance again.

It wasn't perfect. It wasn't always pretty. However, between the two choices of "It's still early springs 07 in whateley" and "Whateley is advancing again and we have more in the pipeline now than we did two months ago" I'd say I'm more than happy to accept what we got. We have complaints, and some of it could just be due to coming back from long absences (I get much of what you were saying Kitsune, I had some gut reactions along the same lines when I read through some of that). I'm still overrall happy to have the plot moving, and I wouldn't be surprised if those involved getting the ball rolling is what got us new content on some long absent authors.

Sadly, that's just the reality they had to make the best of when key authors who'd been shoving this universe forward finally pulled their own disappearing acts.

Note: I name no names and make no judgements. I don't know why people disappeared or didn't, but I'm very glad to see things moving again, and very glad to see faces like JG and Bek are still around, and that new faces like Morpheus/Elrod got the ball rolling, while authors like Nalley KEPT the ball from dying completely and worked so well with the new blood.

I suppose it's true the timing is kinda bad, though part of it is because I stopped reviewing every single stories. It's a lot easier to rant about something, then to praise something that's just good. It's easy to be vindicated, and how something is wrong, than to go with the good parts. Hate that bit myself, I'll be honest. =_=; I don't write these just to blast out my anger at people. I should make more efforts. >>; Maybe I ought to find a better one in your repertoire to balance things out.

Guess I better roll up my sleeves, and go the whole way then. Though you should rest easy, I don't hate the whole thing. I am upset, but it's not everything, and there are god techniques and twists too.

Yeah, I can imagine how bad things might be when authors disappear. It's not easy.

I will look forward to reading it. Forger, Elrod many thanks for the kind words.

EE and I kicked around a lot of ideas about how to move certain things.
We didn't like one solution at all, and figured we'd alienate about 99% of our fan base.
We didn't want Mrs. Carson to wake up, turn to Langley Paulson, and say "I just had the strangest dream!"
We didn't want Ms. Hartford to step out of the shower.
We didn't want Evil Spock to step onto the bridge in an alternate version of the universe.

There were a few changes that had to be made. We had to stir things up a bunch, which included what we did to Sara and Heyoka. It was radical, it risked alienating fans, but it was what we could think of.

As to Gen 2, I played a bit part in helping set the foundations; it was Kristin's baby, and we got that thing birthed - although it wasn't easy at times. New authors, new ideas, smashing them into an extrapolation of the universe 10 years in the future - yeah, anyone who says world-building is easy is a blithering idiot. But we've got stories back for both Gen 1 and Gen 2, and that's the important thing.

I'm glad I was a part of getting it stirred up again.

Whilst Any Speaks
By E. E. Nalley


All right. With the previous warnings given, time for me to really plunge into the fifth Loophole story, Whilst Any Speak. A tale of betrayal, manipulation, mystery, and a lot of important developments happening all around.

As I said before, part of the reasons I wanted to make this review, is that it upset me quite a bit. I'm betting people already know why, and see where I'll be going, but I also know it's not fair to the writer and the story to just focus on that part of it. I'll be going through the whole thing, since the story does have good elements and it's own plot. That one moment eclipses everything else in the final reaction, and I'd argue that taking it out would help the story's impact as a whole. I'm going to explain myself in details for that, but before I go through all that, I'm going to go through all of it.

And to start that, I have to go with the Vignette of "A Cold Plate of Vengeance."

This part may have been marked down as a Vignette, but I'd be more likely to put it as a prologue, since it puts so much information and perspective at to what will happen in Whilst Any Speak. It's part of the main plot after all. It gives context between Maria and Songbird and meaning to what will follow afterwards.

This vignette is mostly three scenes. The first one is simply a setup in order for the third scene to happen, and since that third one is quite important to this little chapter, you have to set up Ayla and Loophole at a church, having a good, peaceful time, and chatting. A perfect setting to ask Elaine about what she heard about the previous year. And by the reaction, although she's smiling peacefully, something definitively happened, yet she got her payback.

Cue scene number two where we switch to a year prior, and we switch to Maria, AKA Songbird, waking up tied up to a table and a surprise shock therapy/torture by Elaine. Now Songbird tried to use her siren powers to control Elaine, but that quickly backfired. Someone expected that.

It was her current pet, the redheaded tomboy, Loophole.

The key word here is 'pet', meaning she already had control of Loophole before, and was fully ready to do it again. To what end? Well, by Loophole's claims, Maria had raped her, literally body and mind. That she was a monster, and that if she weren't Christian, Elaine would have killed her, and be happy with herself.

But now, thanks to Cody and the Kodiak, she remembers what happened, what really transpired, and thanks to him, she could live with herself. The gig was up and this was just making sure Maria wouldn't do it to anyone else.

Cue more shock therapy, and Loophole claims that she now has Maria's soul trapped and contained. And if she did anything to step out of line, she'd be dropping dead.

Now on to scene number three, back to the church with Loophole and Phase, where the later has to figure out how to feel about the former's confession. Elaine has no conflict about it. She feels fine with what hand she dealt. It's also noted that the whole thing was staged and not quite true. There's no way for her to steal someone's soul, yet she seems pretty sure Maria believed it. There's also a hint that Loophole might still have some feeling for Maria, considering she uses her model for her AI's visual body, but now she sees her being her servant simply sweet justice for that turnaround.

This little story does carry more than a bit of information for us. Yes, previous stories have told us that Elaine had been played by Alphas, and considering Sebastiano, it seems Elaine didn't escape a bit of brainwashing herself. Just involving Maria instead. And Loophole carried out her own sense of justice in there.

It's a revenge story with a heavy torture element involved. The torture makes me squeamish, but the story first points out that Maria is a manipulative dominatrix. She raped Elaine, so all this torture is karma coming back. That she deserves it. That this is justice. We're seeing the evil one being punished, and being sided with Loophole on this, we're supposed to feel satisfaction for what she'd done in the end. She feels liberated, freed and like she's gotten over her enemy.

That, and that if you really piss her off, she can be creative in the ways she'll get you. You don't want that.

But do keep in mind this feeling of satisfaction, of revenge, because that may come back later.

On it's own, I wasn't too sure how to feel about it. It's short and doesn't exactly give a full plot, but it does give enough to allow the reader to give a picture of what happened. It's like how Elaine teased Ayla for thinking about her doing naughty things with Maria... Which might be sexy, until you remember that the focus of the piece was about rape, payback, torture and blackmail. Kinda puts a big damper on the romantic aspect of it.

I'm wondering now why this piece wasn't directly part of the full story. Why wasn't this part of Whilst Any Speak? I suppose the fact that the Vignette and the story itself are separated by a year between posting would explain that, but really, I feel like one makes the other much stronger.

But now, on to the main event, the big story itself.

And we start off the story with the actual prologue... At New York, with a new character infiltrating a bank, taking out the secured forces, and zip-lining out to another building without really taking anything. Does a good job of making her look badass and strong. The scene is written from the perspective of one of the guards though, as to keep all the details of Wicked hidden away. We don't see her thought process or her intent directly. All we get to be is a witness to what she's doing before she moves on, and that's for a purpose.

But before we get any serious details, we flash back to 5 days before, the same day as "A Cold Plate of Vengeance". In fact, probably minutes, or hours after the events of that vignette.

I might as well mention this here though, since it is a major sticking point to this story. The amount of flashbacks and flashforwards is ever so present in this story. A reader will be going back and forth over and over, and most of the time, this much time hopping is disorienting. You get lost in the moment, and you can't always tell what has transpired and what hasn't. Even more so in this case when some events are really close to each other. You have to keep a mental roadmap of where you are on the timeline and make sure to pay attention to the days marked at each time skips. It might seem like a bother to do, but it'd really, really help in this case.

As much as I might complain though, the time skip is used to interesting effects in this case. There's a lot of cliff hanger moments created, lots of mystery created and it is used to hide some information from the readers, only for it to be released to the reader at the right moment. I'll try to point them out when they do come.

Back on the story though, as Ayla and Elaine ride back to Whateley, they go back on the topic of Maria's torture, and if Loophole's been keeping track of her, along with the mention of how much trouble she'd be into if that all came into light. Elaine quickly tries to switch to a different topic, but not fast enough to avoid detection by our resident squid psychic, FUBAR.

Understandably, Luis is concerned about this, and as to what they've allowed to happen on campus once more. Since what he's discovered is pretty much considered a breach of privacy, he decides to bring his findings and worry over to Dr Bellows in order to investigate.

"What would you say if I told you that your 'classic Southern Introvert' aggressively pursued arguably the campus' number one jock, was instrumental in ousting the social pecking order and reforming of the Alphas and, here's where it gets interesting, possibly tortured another student? Physically tortured?"

...

"I'd say we weren't talking about the same person..."

It's a very interesting observation, one i had to pause to fully consider properly. I don't think I would have considered Loophole to be quiet and shy. Not unless I thought back, way back at her earliest appearance. We've seen Loophole change, seen her evolve, and her thought process. The end result might not seem so alien to us.

Though it might also show how Bellows doesn't keep tabs on everyone either. I don't think anyone really can, even Carson, oh mighty she be. X3 But at the very least, an investigation does begin, and for the doctor, it starts with Donner. Meeting's set up, but we don't get to the meat of the matter quite yet. (Though I question the necessity of putting a few paragraphs for setting the meeting up, but minor detail in the grand scheme of things).

Then we move on to our main focus of the piece, Loophole, who gets a request from her younger brother for Picket's Revenge, passing along the fact that she has a copy of it on campus, while the real thing is miles away.

To explain what exactly is Picket's Revenge, we cue a flashback to January and Loophole showing off her nautical tendencies on a virtual recreation of her sailboat on a sunny day. Along with that, comes Murphy as they start chatting up.

"Every time you call this thing up you get free beer?"

Er. Yeah. What? Rubbing my eyes right now, because that would mean that this whole holodeck situation would go much beyond hard light recreation, and right up to recreating the actual beer, putting it less in simulation area, and more into replicator designation, creating full, complete matter that even the human body can't distinguish from. Considering we get detailed descriptions about Murphy being drunk, I'm pretty on the nose. If anyone claims it's a devise, I call shenanigans. (As soon as I can find Shenanigans' number. ;3)

As the two chat though, Loophole seems to be moping about Cody, and worried that he might see her as a whore, as just another notch on his belt, now that they'd actually gone and 'done it'. Loophole, quite drunk, claims that it's BS, that he's too good a man to do that, and the people calling crap are just feeling buthurt (paraphrasing here, but the point remains). On the other hand, Murphy does tell Elaine that she was real horny and lustful about him. That she wanted him, and she can't hide that. There comes that inner struggle and doubt about how she'd get treated. But that scene will continue on later...

Back to 'present time', and Stronghold tells his sister his... 'grand plan' involved him learning how to sail easily thanks to his exemplar capabilities, and impress Marty. This has all the making of a plan of Titanic proportion, and he doesn't see the iceberg coming. He's strongly assuming that he can master something in very little time. Little bro's about to learn a harsh lesson.

Small moment that the brother notices about his sister though, and he asks someone a favor. More on that later...

Because we cut to the meeting between Donner and Bellows. Talks start about Elaine, and how Donner seems worried about her, how he noticed changes into her demeanor. He starts at the beginning, and how he chose to take care of her. That even though she was a genius, without being a mutant, she was more fit with the gearheads than the other heads of departments, considering she loved to work on project cars. Later a bit, he mentions that from the time he saw her, he considers her like the daughter he never had, and a touching part of protection came to his mind.

Switching the scene to another place though (yeah, there's a huge tendency of switching between scenes). We go back to Stronghold, who is asking for a favor from Psymod to investigate about what happened to his sister, since she clearly wouldn't just tell him about it. He worries, and what's worse, is that he knows he wasn't there to help her through whatever happened. We even get to see a flashback where she's talking to no one on her boat, with tears streaking down her eyes. Psymod does mention it's flimsy evidence, but there are some parts that just feel wrong, especially with people as close as family. At least we know Stronghold cares, even though he's using a bit of a dirty mean to dig his nose in his sister's private affairs.

Then we return to Donner and Bellows, where Donner does mention that he threatened Cody when word came about that he took advantage of Elaine. Considering what we learned previously about Donner, and the fact that he used to be a murderous supervillain on release, it's quite dangerous. But props to him for recognising that he might be dangerous and a threat. You can sympathise with the man. The question is though, will this plot turn into play at some point, and how big will be the fallback?

Then we flash to a whole other place, at the All Hands of Mercy Rape Crisis Center, where we meet back with Maria of all people. AKA, Songbird, the girl who played with Loophole's mind, raped her, and got her 'soul taken'. We start with her using her siren talents for good, and helping a lady through a phone line, and guiding the police to get her some aid. After a hard shift, she's turning home, and she's not doing too spectacularly. Especially since she has to wonder if her funds are good enough to warrant chinese takeout.

But before this part is over, she gets met in the darkness by Freya, much to Songbird's surprise. It seems the ex-Alpha queen has plan for her.

And that's where we leave off for part 1, with the introduction of the plot for this part specifically. There is an overarching plot all over Loophole's story, but this one is just for this part.

Part 2 has us return once more to Wicked, and her infiltration of the hero complex of the Emerald Tower. Lioness is on guard, and we get a nice little fight between her and Wicked. It's kinda obvious who has the upper hand in the combat though, but I really did enjoy the banter between the two. Chaka would be proud. Wicked also does the smart move though, by not sticking around. She keeps moving, and relocating, so she can escape. She doesn't need to fight and win against the Lioness, she just needs to get out with her prize. Smart move.

Then we switch to another scene with Jadis and Natch, discussing an essay they would have to fill out about who might be their perfect Nemesis. Through a bit of timing, Loophole comes in view, and she's decided to be one potent nemesis to Jadis. Now I'd be tempted to say that Natch does have a point and Jadis could pick someone much better for the job, but this is a Loophole focused story and it does prove a point: sometimes, it's not all about who's the strongest or the greatest superpower. Sometimes, just having the right way with the law of man is the right way to go. Especially with someone with shady dealings as Jadis has done in the past. I would disagree that the law manipulation is a subset of her power: she used to do that before she manifested, but Jadis might not know if it is or not.

Jadis sighed and just for a moment, in a dark place in her mind she would never, ever admit to, imagined herself on the arm of tall, lean, brilliant...

... Okay, was that directed at Cody or at Loophole? At first I thought it was for Cody, it wouldn't be first time the guy's characteristics would have been waxed on, but upon reading it a second time, I don't think Jadis would apply the word 'Brilliant' to his description. It doesn't fit... And if it is for Loophole, that would be a bi direction I simply hadn't latched on before. Go figure.

Then we switch over to another party: Zenith and Ayla at the WARS station, where the later asks the first about details on Maria (probably a follow-up after hearing the story from Loophole). Though we do start this section with Zenith actually putting pressure on Peeper after all he's done in the past.

It seems Zenith doesn't have a very good opinion of Songbird though, and thanks to a certain vignette, it's easy to agree with her point of view. It turns out miss Alpha was also a Poesie, and treasured by Miss Horton, whom then turned a blind eye to a lot of the things she did. Doesn't help that Marie seems to share with Sharisha a trait about hating the changelings, so she and Zoe don't quite get along.

We do get a moment of flashback when Loophole and Maria broke up, and although I don't quite grasp the point of that scene, it does give us a window to know what Maria is like (Not to mention she has a temper and a spanish background).

Next scene has Loophole's run-in with Psymod, when she's setting up her sailboat. He quietly sneaked up, introduced himself vaguely, and quickly tried to make Loophole's memories of the past surface up so he can look into them. Kinda clever, and skirting the law on psi intrusion.

But this is where things take an unexpected twist, when instead of getting any pictures, any ideas at all of what happened, Psymod gets a mental attack in the way of a primal roar and fangs coming his way. He painfully has to retreat, and is left at a loss for words on the events. Something strange is happening here, and it involved what happened last year. It goes quite deeper than the reader knows.

What is a little jarring here though, is the next cut to a different scene. We've just left Loophole almost being probed mentally and growling for the other one to get away, to her gleefully teaching her brother how to sail for the first time. That tiny bit of connection between the two scene is disturbed by the change in tones. Little jarring, but nothing too serious.

The more serious part comes after though, in yet another flashback, returning to when Loophole and Murphy were talking, this time joined by Elaine's roommate Lifeline (Though it's at this point where I start to wonder if all these interconnecting scene jumps should be color-coded for your convenience). There is a mention on how bad it might be for a regenerator to handle alcohol, considering how sick Murphy got, or rather how quickly her body worked through the process and now she's been hit with her first hangover...

But the real meat of this little meeting is the follow-up to the previous discussion if Loophole thought she was a whore or not for enjoying the sex she'd had. Lifeline does come up with more than a few words of advice though. How she's kept the power in the relationship, that she didn't compromise her beliefs for her desire. That as long as she's got some measure of control in this relationship, she's not a whore and she can keep her head held high.

Very nice words indeed, but now, in reflection, I do wonder if there isn't more to dig into this process... Just the fact that Loophole had second thoughts after the act had been done... But I digress.

Following scene has a quick moment between Donner and his supervisor, but there's not much to follow on, other than the ex-villain started to explain what happened.

But before long, we switch back to Cody who's heading for his talk with Dr Bellows. Just before, he has a bit of reflection about his relationship with Elaine, and how it might be hard to keep said relation going, since they might have six years apart. We already had a few parts on past stories where he thought of her as much more than just another 'notch on his belt', and we already know he felt more serious about her, but now complications and the reality of the situation starts a bit of friction there.

Again, we skip back to Elaine who is preparing for a 'romantic evening' with her beau, with non-so-subtle hints that she expects to ride the bear once more. To the point where even her AI mentions she's going at it pretty hard. She just brushes her off, and in her Loophole-ism ways, mentions how no one's been expelled for having a bit of fun in that direction...

The second point of that scene is the fact that she received an email from Maria who's reaching for help. Thanks to her AI's stubbornness, Elaine is forced to read it, rather than delete it and run away from any consequences. She does take note... But then decides to leave it for tomorrow... Because seemingly, boning the bear-man is more important than life and death... Riiiiiiiiiiight.

Scene switch again, and we're back to Steve and Psymod, talking about how the resulting probe ended up. The later, now seeing his previous doubts shattered to pieces, does admit that something happened, and something is definitively wrong. That Elaine isn't the one suppressing the memories, something else is.

... Well, we know Maria did some brainwashing in the past... But what would that have to do with fur and fangs?

The two are interrupted by everyone's favorite squid-head, FUBAR, who decided to interrupt the two, and find out what they discovered. Their little plot is going places now.

Flip back to Cody, who's looking back on another evening of sex with his beloved. He realises how lucky he is that she went for him, that she's so much into him, and making out. That all the other girls didn't feel that way.

Still... there were a lot of things that didn't make sense.

... Hindsiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

Now, another flashback, right after the threat from the teacher, and Cody goes back to his mental realm to speak with his spirit. He wants to know if it said anything to Elaine that might have hurt her at the time. The bear decides to just do what it wants to do, and dodge the question, taunting and mocking his host, before threatening him, saying there's bigger things to prepare himself with.

... Though why did the bear call her the She-Bear, of all things? Even looking back... Hrmph. Might be reading too much into it.

"Wha... What?"

The Kodiak snorted. Finally, a question. So, let us answer it.

... Okay, yes, that WAS a question, but that wasn't a full sentence. So what would you answer? What's going on? What happened? What are you doing? What do they really put in the mystery meat?

Doesn't really matter, I suppose, but that's how we end part 2. The constant scene-switching at this point is getting annoying and confusing at times. It's hard to keep track of everything, along with what's really the central plot of the story. There's a lot of things going on, and lot a lot answered. But things are progressing, and plot points are growing. There are better scene cuts happening later though, but that will wait for part 3.

I will make a quick detour though, since timeline-wise, this is when "The Kodiak in Winter" happens, and is linked enough to this story to be relevant. It plunges into Cody's past from his years as a freshman, and progresses up through major points through the whole thing. It also gives us a LOT more knowledge about Freya and how she operated, something we seriously lacked otherwise, and since she will be a major point in the story, it's important to set her up as the manipulative woman she is. It also has serious plot points that are essential to the later story.

The whole of this story is a session between Bellows and Cody, where the later remembers everything that happened since he got in, or at least the major points of it.

We start off in his Freshman year, where he was acclaimed a pretty powerful boy when he took on the Champion, and traded a few good blows in. Sure, he lost, but he did do some damage. That got his ego pumped up, and that's when the following tragedy comes in.

The fight with Wildman is something... Tragic. Proof that even high-level regenerators aren't invulnerable. The beating following the blind rage Cody had wiped the guy's brains clean. That's as close to killing a personality without going brain dead. Nobody seems to have fully recovered from that event. that earned him a UV band for the year, and a nasty reputation along with it.

The next year though, is when Freya came into Cody's life, proposes to take care of him and his reputation. Following this, favors are returned, and he comes her enforcer. He does mention though, that later on, she was the one who orchestrated the attack on Wildman. Made it so he taunted a guy who could take him out. It was all a clever multi-play scheme that worked like a charm. That is how manipulating Freya could be, and Cody was but another acquisition... Much to Dr Bellow's chagrin.

Then would come the event in the summer, where Cody fought against a mob of Humanity First, trying to protect a GSD afflicted woman and a child. A show of character one might say, and an incident that could have landed him in jail, and put some distance between him and his mother.

Then back to Whateley, and we get Freya running into Loophole for the first time. One might say it's a stroke of luck, be it good or bad, that Elaine fell into Freya's good graces, but Maria soon decided to ask to have her. Knowing the mid rape part, one might know what that meant. That's when Cody's first red lights come in.

But then came Cavalier and Skybolt, and Cody is definitively concerned. Not just because it might happen to him, but he is concerned for Cavalier. Freya? Well, Freya was just laughing about it. Not a worry in the world of what the Don had done or the duo's well-being. I do believe for her, it was all a case of being Number One.

Even then, it still feels like a little grey area. Definitively bad, but not right out evil. I'd say Cody's attention there is more on Don than on Freya.

The following scene though is where things get important. It's after Loophole has faced Freya after the suicide. Loophole is in tears, and Cody hold her in his arms... And somehow, their minds connects. Cody is an avatar though, usually giving him physical strength, so this mind-meld is new. Totally new.

That's when he noticed the blanks in Loophole's memory, and where the bear started tearing down said mental barriers, and both of them remembered. Take notes, kids, this part is important.

He doesn't disclaim what happened exactly to Bellows, but to say the least it involved Maria. After making the doctor promise him he wouldn't tell, that Loophole is fine now, Cody explains that the Kodiak was once called 'Court Healer', and guided Elaine down into being herself and to be strong.

Following that though, Cody has a moment of inspiration, and he rushes off to see Fey. His reasoning? He needs some help to help Cavalier and Skybolt, and being the closest thing to an opponent to Hekate, she might be interested. I might also mention that Fey also has history against Hekate and was personally involved into freeing the duo, but that's neither here or now. How he's able to help is up in the air though.

Cut to later, and appointments have been made to go to ARC.

This vignette is essential to "Whilst Any Speak". We get the history of Freya working and how she manipulates people around her. We also get how Loophole got first involved with Freya, along with the fact that she and Cody had a joining at the mind, that he freed her from Maria's mind control. We also have Cody's reasoning for going for Fey, and although it's a little iffy, it's not too off kilter.

We also get to experience a bit more of Cody's character. How his mind works, and what was his role in all of it. He's a very grey morality character. He doesn't believe himself to be bad, he thinks he does the right things, but then there's multiple times where he doesn't divulge everything to the good doctor either. He knows he's done dirty things by the law, even if he was dealing personal justice. As long as things go all right for the big bear, then it's fine by him. It's not bad to have wants for yourself, but at the same time, it's how he got manipulated by Freya and became the Don's puppet. Keep him satisfied, and it's fine in his book. This is probably why Donner thinks he's a punk, that Elaine can do better than him.

Now, back to Whilst Any Speak, part 3. We start this one once more back to Maria, who is having a miserable time at that vilain bar we keep returning to: the Superbad. She's getting dragged off by Freya in a supervillain set up where she doesn't feel she belongs to. But this was Freya's show, and the ex-Alpha queen is in her elements, keeping moods up, and celebrating a bit early. Why early? Well, their 'master plan' hasn't even finished unfolding so far. It's a big plan, with great big visions of grandeur, but it's a bit... premature to celebrate.

Now, a bit of the thought process in Maria's head...

No, that's not true, she thought, not for the first time being brutally honest with herself. You knew she was damaged goods the moment she sicked Wildman on Kodiak. Sooner, you had suspicions and you should have listened to them. But she was so much fun to be around, wasn't she? And you really hoped she might switch hit just for you...

Now this is an interesting paragraph. Because before this, Maria coudl have been seen as a fully antagonistic character, but this shows a lot more of a gray morality. That she knew she was doing bad things, but she went along with it, hoping she might change. She was lovestruck, and considering what Freya's power is, it's easy to see how it might have happened. Just before, she also wished she could forget Freya and be forgotten. She doesn't want to be involved with these villains and Freya's schemes. There's regret in there. She's done bad things, hoping for better times to come. Shows a bit of layers in the reasoning. She's more than just a cardboard cutout villain.

But the cardboard cutout quota is completed certainly by Freya's plot. See MacGuffin of power, steal MacGuffin of power, ascend to godhood, ???? , profit by association. It's a classic heist situation. Now Freya herself is a bit more subtle and varied. She keep things elegant, and uses logic to get her way, rather than fear, and violence. Thanks to her power, it's a lot easier to herd things her way. She's not acting like an idiot either. She's tried research, got herself a plan of action. But she's got ego, greed, and a prize too tempting to think twice about it, leading to the later events.

"I didn't get the reputation I have by failing," Wicked purred as she removed the sunglasses and locked her eyes with Maria.

The bottle of Dos Equis slipped from Maria's fingers in shock and shattered on the floor.

Okay, I know it's not long before I complained about so many scene cuts, but this was one of the good ones. It's one of those suspenseful cliffhangers, that we know something just got revealed to Maria and it was shocking enough to drop everything. We, as readers, can't tell. Some of us, a bit more genre-savvy, can take very good guesses, but you can't really guarantee it. Unfortunately, we won't find out until later, but the interest in this scene just skyrocketed.

But then we hop to another scene, where Elaine goes see Dr. Bellows. immediately, she notices something is wrong, thanks to the extra company: Fubar and Circe. Now obviously, Elaine was wary about this, but Bellows tells her it's for good reasons, with suspicions of mental compulsions.

Before there's much of any questioning, Circe jumps to conclusions, and calls out a spirit right out of Loophole's head. I'm not sure what led her to that conclusion, possibly magical scanning, but it feels rather short, like there was no analysis or probing in her behavior.

Of course, Elaine had a rather violent reaction to it, and Miss Savage comes in, chasing the trio out of the room while she tries to console her... Which I do have to question, since those three should be the best people to tell what's happening. Why is Savage chasing them out?

Whatever the reason, it does lead to a discussion between the three of them, and their findings. Starting with the compulsion that Circe had pulled out, and that it does come from a spirit. Fubar does make a link with what Mark found about a bear-like spirit possibly being involved, but…

"The form of a spirit usually can have nothing to do with what it actually is."

Now this is used to take a step back, and open up the possibilities that it might be hasty to put the blame on Cody so quickly. Keep from going into a tunnel vision on him.

But this line might also work in another matter... Call me paranoid, but it might also mean that the spirit of the Kodiak might not actually be the spirit of the bear. It might be something else entirely, or something that replaced said spirit. After all, a story or two ago, Cody had a major issue with his bear. I'm keeping it in mind...

Fubar, meanwhile, does claim that there's a whole lot of memories flooding in, and that Loophole has been abused for a long time now, and by association, the readers can think of Maria's rape right away.

In any case, they have a lot of things to investigate, and Loophole comes out, demanding she sees the Headmistress right away.

Yet another cut away to another scene that allows for more drama. Why does Loophole want to see the Headmistress? After all she'd been through? Again, we don't get an answer until later, but it does leave people on edge.

The next scene drops us with Stronghold, Loophole's little brother, and now he's certain that Kodiak is the culprit (See previous mention of tunnel vision). His friends try to explain to him that it'd be a bad idea. Not only would he be jumping to conclusions, but Cody is way stronger than he is. We even get a callback to Champion and Wildman that yes, his tale has carried on, even after 3 years have passed (probably partly thanks to Freya making sure the word on her enforcer spread around).

Then comes this bit…

Stronghold's eyes narrowed. Had either Mark or Tupolo known him better, like the sister he sought to avenge, their blood would have run cold. Elaine could have told them volumes about that look, the look of a merry prankster whose practical joke had taken a turn for the vicious hatches a plan of ultimate revenge. For all his Southern Brash and brimstone, Stephen Nalley was remarkably intelligent, devilishly cunning and his family honor was at stake. Indeed, had they known better, both boys would have feared for the absolute worst. Nalley's head turned to the wall in the direction where Whitman Cottage lay. "Yes," he agreed softly. "A Mage."

This paragraph speaks volume to me on it's own. Yes, the obvious is the fact that now Stronghold looks into getting a mage for his revenge on Cody and his spirit. He's got a plan there.

But when you read between the lines, and you notice the narrative is speaking of the past, and how the boys should have noticed the situation. That they should have stopped him, or talked some sense into it. Why? Because he's going to do a mistake, something he'll regret, or something that will backfire.

Of course though, before we can get to his plan, the scene switches.

We go back to Jadis, who is debating with her conscience about making a paper saying Aquerna would be her nemesis. Orchestrated so well, it might get the girl in actual trouble if it came out. But even though it would take considerable efforts on her part, Jadis decided she needed another subject to pin this one on.

But before she can even work out a subject, a knock on the door interrupts her, she answers, and immediately, she knows she's in trouble.

What kind of trouble? We don't know. Considering this is Jadis, who tends to have a poker face working even under federal agents, suddenly blurts out: "I'm in trouble, aren't I?" Who can have that much effect on her that she jumps right at that conclusion?

Again, another good time to jump cut, leaving us with yet another cliffhanger. Something is going to happen with Jadis. We do know she has a bit of involvement, somehow, since she got mentioned in a previous part, yet nothing directly connected to Loophole. What is her part in this story? We don't know, but it's getting interesting just with that scene.

Then we move on to ARC, as Loophone, Kodiak and Fey, chaperoned my Ms Savage, make their way in. Now, if I hadn't read The Kodiak in Winter, I wouldn't have much of a clue why Fey popped up in the whole thing. In fact, it's not specific on who they're going to meet, until two thirds of this scene, without context, let alone what they're planning to do... Heck, even with the vignette, it wasn't exactly clear what Cody had planned to do in the first place. We're just here for the ride on that aspect.

You do notice though a very different temperament between Cody and Elaine, all viewed from the perspective of Fey, who only has her outside observations of the relationship between the two. It feels off, especially since the two who were supposed to be lovebirds were sitting apart, Cody being silent, and trying to look at his girlfriend who wanted to do nothing with him. in fact, with Fey, we get the bonus of reading their emotional states. Something happened certainly, probably related to the spirit's influence leaving her (and likely related to the Kodiak spirit), but we don't see those details. Only the end result.

We also do get to see Cavalier and Skybolt, and we learned that their situation has gone for the worse. They haven't spoken since February, barely make basic necessities, and always, always have to be together, otherwise they will react rather violently (and considering who they are, it's quite violent). It's much worse than the last time we saw them, that's for sure. even Cody is shocked to see them like this, saying Bellows told him they were getting better.

... Wait. Hindsight moment here. If Cody thought they were getting better, why is he there to offer help? And again, how would he help? Even more so when he thinks they're feeling better? If someone tries to tell me he could have sneaked the truth from one of his underground channels as Alpha leader, then why does he sound surprised now?... I'll leave this point for later.

On a personal side-note…

There weren't as many nurses or patients wandering about as you might expect, but the air was heavy with the smells of disinfectant and chemicals. Nikki couldn't imagine an environment less suited to healing.

Tell me once more, Child, how far humanity has 'advanced', sniffed Aunghadhiail in disdain.

They're trying to help, Nikki thought angrily back at her Avatar.

I have a strong serie of words I'd be tempted to shout off against that statement. then again, we're talking about the magic nature nut, so one might excuse that. Back on the topic.

Following scene brings us to Lifeline, who gets a request from Loophole's brother to cast a spell on Kodiak. After hearing his side of the story, and the evidence presented, she does admit it would explain quite a bit of her behavior in the past year.

Now, she does hesitate, examining her beliefs, and if it's really right to cast a spell like this on someone. And considering I had a very bad feeling about Steve's plan, I'd hoped she'd shy away. But no, she does agree to aid him, and I feel like watching a train heading for a disaster, fully knowing I can't stop it, and I can't tear my eyes away from it.

We switch over back to ARC, as the students and therapist prepare for the ritual. Cody does note he might be more and more in trouble as is, and there may be consequences to his actions. But that will have to wait, as they join hands, and suddenly find themselves in a mental forest landscape.

Suddenly, Wyatt is dressed in an irish medieval leather set of armor with a heavy broadsword.

His bear spirit seems more humanized than before, even with clothes and a better. (Making me flash back to Little John from Disney's Robin Hood).

The Sidhe Queen shows up in all her regal self... All in white... And acting quite cold. Regal, considering the type of jewelry and outfit she has, even up to the oaken staff she's wielding. Her hair is white, her eyes are ice cold... Not how I pictured her, at all. She always had a motherly feeling, even when she was being regal. Especially when trying to comfort others, including Merry and Whisper. She does have emotions. And Red hair always seemed to be a characteristic of her incarnations, even the previous one, who was said to be strikingly similar to Fey. So this portrayal seems to be a break from what we know from the actual fae queen. in fact, she's often pictured as cold, and even cruel at various times. When did that start showing up? Because she never showed that kind of attitude in the past. Heck, thanks to her usual glamour, most people would enjoy just looking at her... Is it because in there, there's none of the glamour in effect?

Nikky is dressed in a similar manner though more colourful, and she seems more shy, described as a princess to the queen.

But then we get Loophole…

But it was the final member of their little video game party that truly took Cody's breath. Loophole turned to face him as he entered the glade and was frozen in place by her hard, green eyes hidden behind a blue mask of Woad that ran across her face from temple to temple. The queen and the princess were unapproachable by station and rank, but the green eyed archer that faced him was unapproachable by threat of violence. She wore a fur bikini top to which crude iron cups had been attached to protect her impressive bust and from the bottom edge of it, also attached by a leather cord was a tube section of chain mail that had been scavenged by some previous owner who doubtlessly no longer needed it, or anything else. A pair of rough sewn buckskin pants were held up by a leather belt from which hung a wicked looking dagger and a pair of fur boots completed the barbarian look. Her skin was dotted with geometric and Celtic tattoos around her arms and navel and what wasn't tattooed was covered in blue mud.

... Wait. What?

"Is this your idea of a joke?" she snarled. "Or just some sick fantasy...?"

That's just what I was about to ask.

"Peace, Pict-daughter," the queen commanded, stepping forward with a measured regal stride. "Here all pretenses are stripped away and the essence of yourself is revealed. Did you think the fire that burns within you had no root or cause?"

"Are you telling me Ah'm a savage?" Elaine snapped back.

"I am telling you that you are descended of a fierce people, whose passions were legendary and yet for that," and the queen reached out and tugged at the metal that had been added to her attire. "Your rage is tempered with intelligence and you have taken the technologies of your foe and used them against their creators."

...

BULL SH-... Droppings.

...

Deep breaths, Polk. Deep breaths, calm down. This is when I realize I'm about to toss an argument about a character's core features with their writer, their literal creator. I ain't going to win this one, and I'll just look like the crevice in between the butt cheeks.

But I am still going to have to fill in on why I feel like a bad representation of Loophole.

You claim that this is a pure representation of Loophole's characters. The design even describing her as violent. This is from the character who tried multiple times to stop violence from happening in the first place. The one who wanted to make sure her armor was not twisted to be used by the military. The same girl who was outraged that she had made a gun. The one who cringed because she was forced into battle in an airport because she was deputised. The same one who tried to argue against being put in a sim team. The girl whose last combat final got her opponent to pull a truce, then sabotage the sims to stop the whole thing? This is who, by her core, is described as 'unapproachable by threat of violence'? She may have fiery passion to defend herself, but violence never was her first answer to anything. I'd even argue it's even less her core, since her original persona was her being shy and reserved, as pictured when she first met Freya.

So far, she's been able to outthink her opponents, use the rules built around her to her advantage. She's a gadgeteer, fascinated by technology and mechanics, even more so considering her passion for cars and rebuilding them. None of that is even described here. Not a hammer, not a smith's outfit or even a carpenter's feature involved.

She's pictured as a dirty, scantily-clad archer.

None of her grace, none of her smarts, none of her diplomacy, none of her knowledge.

No.

By what we see here? She's a piece of eye candy with savage, killer ancestry, with looting her fallen opponents to make herself stronger and wearing beast skins. That's what claimed is her core persona. Nothing else.

That paints a picture here and that betrays everything I've pictured about her. So either everything we've seen so far from her is false or this is a mockery of her.

And this is compared to Cody, who has a tendency and an admittance to just enjoying violence and bashing skulls in. A guy, who in hero sims, is known to just fly at a problem and punch his way out, barely thinking things through. Yet he's dressed in leather armor with underlining garment, intricate knotwork, and mostly clean all around. The only sign of his brutality is that brute's sword he's wielding.

Heck, looking at this and their personalities, I'd swap his outfit with hers in a heartbeat. It's almost like it's a bad parody of videogame outfits and the chainmail bikini trope. On reflection, I might even say it's to better attach Elaine to another character later on.

Turns out this isn't a videogame, but a mental landscape and pictured this way to make sense as mental representations of what's happening. In this case, a medieval setting, and their goal is the castle at the top.

Cody drew the sword and grinned an evil grin. "Shiny, let's go be bad guys."

... Bad guys? What? Isn't your goal in all this to rescue two mentally trapped friends? What is wrong here?

We switch scenes again, this time with Jadis, who is on a train, heading over to her home once more. Whatever trouble she was into, she isn't hurt, but she sure isn't staying at Whateley. And she's bringing two guests that will remain unnamed for now.

As she sets up though, we're given a flashback to 2005, when Jadis was a freshman and trying to get into the Alphas. She was definitively hopeful, studying from her father's techniques and knowledge, and even choosing a proper outfit for the event. Unfortunately, what she was hoping out of the Alphas, and what she found were two different things altogether.

That hope of getting in was just about squashed when Freya herself decided to single her out, and use her as an example. To say that she simply wasn't Alpha material, even foolish to think she was fitting to be there. Why? Because she thought her father's power was reason enough to be admitted. That all Jadis was, and I'm quoting here: "an ugly, self indulgent, cheap, knock off". And with that humiliation set up, Jadis used the threat of her father, which Freya just turned on it's head, saying that if she did that, she's only prove her point that 'she's nothing without Daddy helping her out'. And with that setup, Jadis left, almost in tears.

This is a real good scene for two reasons. One of them will only come into full fruition later, but this humiliation could be seen as part of why Jadis is the way she is now. That she grew strenght herself, even outside of her father's influence. She's definitively strong and not one to be messed up with as we know it in 2007. This scene may be a big part of that and set Jadis in the way she is. Kinda why she's a Bad Seed, rather than an Alpha.

Then we return once more to the mental realm of Cavalier and Skybolt, this time from Loophole's point of view, as we get a very visual description of the carnage, down to the gurgles, the blood, and the excrement. Kinda visual for something that is only supposed to be representations of... Wait. What do they represent exactly?

In any case, Elaine find herself not disgusted or scared, but elated, even turned on, by the whole feeling of action, and bringing down her foes. She truly does enjoy it. She's even a little scared that she feels this way.

"What did you do to me?" she panted at Aunghadhail as the Queen stepped into the road from the protection of the trees where they'd been ordered by the two warriors as the ambush was sprung. "I'm a scientist! An Engineer for the love of God! And you..."

Glad to see I'm not the only one who sees something's wrong with this whole picture.

"I have done nothing to you, Pict-daughter," Aunghadhail returned sharply. "It is you that limits yourself. You drape yourself in learning and fanciful words, cover your eyes with spectacles you do not need and call yourself civilized. It was not the mouse you hide yourself in that conquered the warrior across the road, it was this," she declared reaching out and catching the girl by her cheek and forcing her to look her in the Queen's cold blue eyes. "This is who you are, Elaine Nalley, daughter of killers, footpads, scofflaws and hooligans! For all your trappings of the civilization you claim to love so, your blood has fought against it from the time of what you appear to be to your so-called present. Lie to yourself if you like, but not to me. I know you for who and what you are and you have worth to me. Take pleasure in that and do not again question me for your own shortcomings!"

...

BULLSHIT!

Okay, I've already gone through the main points of this above, but I can't help but develop this further.

I wouldn't say that there isn't passion and enjoyment in the way Loophole carries herself. That she doesn't have some part of a fighter who can enjoy brawling it out.

But to say that this is all she is, that all her cares and dreams in the world are lies? That he love and dedication to her goals are nothing? That those are not part of her core? That her true calling is the blood of her ancestry and that it's all she's worth? That this is what this whole spell is... Well... Spelling out for her?

I call BULL-... SHENANIGANS!

It's like.... If I had to compare something close, it's like saying to a transgender person that all they are is the body they're in. That that will never change. That their desires are false, and they'll never really change that. Why? Because it's in their blood. And they might as well give up on everything else.

And... Wait a minute…

"It was not the mouse you hide yourself in that conquered the warrior across the road, it was this..."

Okay, how does Aunghadhail know this? At all? I would understand if the Kodiak would know this, they were there, but until that day, Fey had no contact with Loophole and Kodiak.

So how does she know about their relationship? There is some truth there, but she shouldn't have access to this. She may be an empath, but by the time they met and saw the relationship, was the time when Loophole was being distant to Cody.

Call me paranoid and nitpicky, but along with the odd perception of Aunghadhail, I'm starting to question this whole thing.

She snatched her arrow from his guts, letting the corpse fall as she turned and locked eyes with the freshman who had watched her with pale, sick fascination. "Your friend is a bitch," she muttered angrily, cleaning the arrow carefully before returning to her quiver across her back.

"She's not my friend," Nikki replied curtly. "She's my Avatar." The princess made to follow her queen before stopping and turning to meet the barbarian's gaze. "And I know." she said softly.

... Coming from the girl who shared her mind for a year over with her. I'm pretty sure they were friends, if not akin to sisters in some fashion. Or mother/daughter.

Again, this just tosses even more questions on this scenario.

After this exchange though, Cody tries to hug Elaine, and tell her how hot she is, but she warns him off with a dagger at his belly. Oh, she's definitely not happy with him, and he claims he has no ideas what's going on. Not to mention after that Cody threatens his bear that he will make it pay if it's the cause of her anger.

Cut to the next scene, where Lifeline is going underground to cast her spell. Not much here, other than she's prepared, and she had to reserve a lab to pull it off.

But I also mention this scene to give my personal expectations, and how I was seeing this unfold.

I had a feeling this was the story that Fey was going to lose her spirit. I'd already been spoiled by the fact that I was told she would die, and further on when I was told it was around this time. Now, with Lifeline preparing to cast a spell against Kodiak, while he's in the mindscape with Fey... And the fact that I had a bad premonition about the brother's plan ever since he realized he needed a mage to continue... I had a feeling Lifeline would cast said spell, and Fey would get caught in the crossfire, and that's when the death would happen. Then the consequences would come back to Lifeline, and Stronghold, and they'd face the consequences of pretty much doing Vigilante Justice, and the guilt of those actions.

That's how I pictured it to go... Not quite how it went though.

Back to the mindscape, we have our heroes about to take on the castle. Loophole does get to display her skill in archery in quite a few good shots, though she does mess up a little at the last one, before they charge toward the castle and take down the front guard. During this time, we do get to see Cody and Elaine joke amicably among the carnage, and Elaine does seem to show she doesn't mind all the blood.

But as they approach their goals, they do note that it's too easy...

And that's when a new figure appears, a guard for the fortress. And as she pull off her helmet, we see the face oh Hekate.

Why is she here? No ideas, but it's baaaaaaaaad news. We know she's one heck of an opponent when prepared, and she'd have nothing but time there.

It's with a name drop like that to bring us to a close on part 3 for what was probably a pretty strong cliffhanger once more.

Part 4 goes right back to the scene we left, as battle between Hekate and Aunghadhail begins, with flashes of fire and lightning covering the skies, as the Kodiak brings the others into the castle. Fey objects, and wants to help, but the Kodiak blocks her, saying she might just get in the way. She'd be better placed to help rescue Cavalier and Skybolt.

The Kodiak does mention that this is not Hekate though, but only a spell fragment. If I had to take a guess, it's probably part of the recognition system they have. The same reason why everything looks medieval, rather than squishy neurones and thought patterns.

though how that spell fragment is more powerful than Hekate or the Necromancer puzzles me. If it is more powerful, then how did it not get detected by everyone else? I thought all that Hekate had done was the Fool's circle, and that was undone when she couldn't refresh it.

"Mythos Magic."

... Convenient excuse, a bit of a brush-off, but I'll have to swallow that one.

Besides, they do argue that is they free Cavalier and Skybolt, they'll have a numbers advantage... I have other questions about this, but I'll take that too.

They prep up for a zip line though, and…

"Ah'll go first," she declared.

"I weight less," protested Fey.

"You're also a light weight in hand to hand and there's no telling what's waiting..."

... She's been fighting corrupted werewolves sword to claw for months now, has been in multiple real life combat situations and publicly fought physical combat with other students previously. Though I suppose you don't know about half of that, miss won't-fight-a-combat-finals.

Characterisations, out the window at this point.

As Elaine is about to go, Cody kisses her for good luck, though she doesn't really apreciate his maneuver.

Why? Well, next scene will help us on that front, along with answer "Why did Elaine want to see Carson?"

We start off the next scene, probably a few minutes after the meeting started, because after a pregnant silence, Carson has to ask if she heard that correctly. Great reaction to put the disbelief in Carson's mind, before the actual subject, where Elaine says she submits herself to be expulsed after multiple infractions. Of course, Carson can't quite believe her ears, especially coming from the one student who has a tendency of using her own rules against her to get out of trouble.

Now, had Carson not cared, she would have just taken this at face value, and just went on with the process, but she dug in deeper.

So Elaine starts up with how she had a... 'Very active relationship'. Carson confirms she knew, even more so by confirming it was with Maria.

But this is where it gets complicated and things change. This information is after Loophole's compulsion was taken out of her, where she'd have her own control.

This is where she claims she's the one who asked Maria to erase her memories (or at least block them). That she broke the heart of someone who really loved her.

Now, if you just take a moment to pause here, and realize this is supposed to be Loophole without being under control. The same one who claimed Maria had raped her. Something doesn't quite match there.

Thankfully, we get an explanation right after. She ran into Kodiak. We know, thanks to Cody's vignette, that when that meeting happened, they had that mental spirit journey to undo Maria's brainwashing.

But what Elaine tells us really happened, is that the Kodiak spirit lied to her. Made up a story, so that Maria had raped her. Somehow (and I do question how she managed that feat), Elaine tried to fight it, but eventually, it won, and Elaine bought the lie, and the anger flared.

(As a side note, I do wonder if it was a right decision to claim it was the bear who did this at this point, considering what will be revealed later)

Then Elaine really gets upset, saying that she's done something really horrible. That she really hurt Maria. The events of "A Cold Plate of Vengeance".

Now this is where you can really relate to the horrors that Elaine is feeling right now, and a bit of genius. If you can remember the first feeling of satisfaction when you read the vignette the first time. That feeling that a criminal was being punished, that a girl that was being mind raped was bringing her own kind of justice. It felt mighty good back then. She even made sure that Maria would never mess with her again. You could understand why Loophole might have done it.

But now with this new information, everything turns on it's head. Maria hadn't controlled Elaine. There was no rape involved. Maria wasn't a villain in this situation. She was, in fact, a victim. She got tortured and punished for things she'd never done, by the person she loved.

What makes this even more traumatic for the reader, is that you were right there with Loophole, enjoying applying this torture, thinking she was punishing that rapist. Suddenly, you realize, after the fact, that you had willfully wrongfully tortured an innocent, someone who loved you... And the horror of what's been done hits you, followed by the regret.

No wonders Elaine was upset, that she wanted to come clean. The guilt was incredible.

What a twist there. It's one of the higher notes of this story, and a story twist I got to really feel and sympathise for. Well played for taking a moment of vindication and turning it around right over into a tragedy. I do wish we might have had a bit more of a moment of Elaine describing how it felt, but that may have to wait.

"I'm not going to expel you for an error in judgement! You made a mistake!"

Weeeelllllll... More like she got manipulated in judging and executing a sentence, based on fake data she was forced to accept mentally... But I digress.

Carson proposes to invite Maria back to apologize, and explain everything, but that's when Elaine brings back up the email, saying Freya has her now. (Bet you wish you'd responded earlier, rather than go on that date, right? Hindsight is 20/20 after all). She mentions an artifact, and Carson suddenly has an interest on the subject. She snaps to attention, lets her secretary know she'll be out for a few days, and without much explanations yet much excitements in her eyes, says she's going to go make things right.

... Okay, I have to pause for a moment here, and I have to ask: does the scene with Carson happen before or after the trip to ARC?

As far as I figured it to happen, the order that it was supposed to happen was a meeting with Carson, ARC, then the operation with Carson right after... But that doesn't make much sense there, since Carson asked her to get on the move right away, and if Carson would allow that, she'd have sent Loophole on a mental trip with the very person/spirit that messed her up in the first place, allowing her to be vulnerable again.

Unless the ARC session happened beforehand? It would explain some information Loophole knows, like how the bear is the culprit, but... It doesn't make sense either, because right before Carson was the visit with Bellows, and it's because of that release of her mind that Loophole was upset with Cody on the trip. Right? Or is there some other reason that I'm not seeing right now? Something doesn't fit.

I will mention though that it's odd that Carson dropped the mental issue with Cody's spirit that quickly. I expected some kind of repercussion or discipline. Though I suppose it can wait, with Freya and Maria on the line.

in any case, we switch back to the future, back to the Superbad when Maria dropped the bottle. Freya seems confused by the reaction, but Maria quickly pulls Wicked away to the bar, muttering that Freya would recognize her right away. But it turns out Wicked has a spell that will make it only Maria would recognize her. When asked for explanations, we cut off for the next scene.

This time, we get a bit more information about Wicket, and we know it's more like a second identity. One backed up by magic. Now that we know Carson is involved, and what may have led to this situation, we can guess who it is. It's not 100% confirmed yet, there's no names mentioned, but it's a lot easier.

Next scene brings us back to another cliffhanger in progress back to Jadis, literally calling back to the last line she uttered. At that point we get the reveal that her special visitors are Carson and Elaine. Why? Well, Carson starts off by recalling Jadis' humiliation at the Alpha party we just mentioned earlier, along with Jadis' plan for revenge at the time, which is directly linked to the plot Freya is attempting right then.

The artifact she's hunting down? It's fake. Planted information from Jadis in trying to humiliate Freya. They do mention that yes, it was convoluted for a plan, and Jadis thought it didn't work, it was just a little delayed.

At the very least, it's a huge relief from the reader's perspective. If anyone was worried that Freya was about to become incredibly powerful, that's out of the window, and someone's just about to be majorly disappointed.

The problem, is that Freya has decided to ensnare Maria in the whole mess, a girl who was willing to seperate herself from her psychotic friend. If Freya does go through with the ridiculous plan, it might drag the girl down a path she might never get away from. (I will admit a bit more information on the consequences if they didn't act would have been really appreciated. It would have given more weight to why they have to get involved. Otherwise, it seems revenge is their main motivator).

They also mention the fact that Loophole did have the good side-effect of putting Maria on the straight and narrow. When Jadis asks how, and Loophole confesses, She-beasts exclaims that it should have been impossible for a non mage, and as we heard before, Elaine claims it wasn't real, that it was but a bluff.

"Ah rigged up a TASER and a special effects show that played on her also being groggy from the anaesthetic Ah used."

Ah. So she was drugged. Okay, now it make a bit more sense that she believed her soul was taken. And even if she had doubts, when your life is on the line, would you risk getting close to Loophole to test it?

in any case, Carson proposes for the two to work with her in order to set things right, and help Maria in her time of need, and right the wrongs they caused... Along with a little retribution dished out to Freya. For those who might even consider that Carson might be betraying the code of neutrality, Freya is no longer a student, and fair game.

I do question Carson leaving her very important, and very busy post to deal with one ex-student (That's why you have partners to work with you), but this one is a bit personal, and might affect her two current students in the long run. In any case, the game is afoot.

We switch back to Lifeline and Stronghold and their spell coming to a close. It's tiring work, but the effect is done, and the spell launched... And Lifeline finally says what she's done: that Elaine would know who hurt her the next time she sees them. I'll admit, not the life-ending spell I was expecting.

But Stronghold isn't happy. He wanted to be the one to know who hurt her and come to the rescue. Lifeline though, says that she never agreed to such terms, and that the result would be Elaine's choice. Smart girl.

So that little crisis is over. A little less dramatic than I pictured, but it will still have an impact.

We then go back to dreamspace as Elaine enters the castle, and find it... Empty. No, not empty halls with no guards or quests. Empty as in nothing but an outer prop shell and the two prisoners in the middle. Seems like all the budget went on the outside and the orc guards.

They quickly free Cavalier and Skybolt of their binds (the budget should have allowed for chains, right?), and the group is about to join the fight, when Lifeline's spell hits home, Fey recognises the rune of Truth, and the spirit of the Kodiak speaks...

And what it says is chilling…

Too bad, I would liked to have enslaved you the way I did the Pict-daughter. You'd have had use to my host, but there's always next time.

Wyatt stood slowly, his hands clinched into massive fists as he saw Nalley's jaw drop in shock, saw the heartbreak on her face and once more felt the white hot rage of an ultra-violent run through his veins. “What did you say, you unimaginable bastard?”

What? Sneered the bear. You didn't enjoy the present I gave you? It was a simple matter to frame a new context on the blanks in her mind. Keep her forgetting that she'd wanted to be with the beautiful Latin girl that made her feel so good, planting a suggestion that she'd had no say in it. It's an odd phobia to be afraid of not being in control, but it certainly helped. The spirit snorted and looked away. Songbird did most of the work for me. She did use her power on you, girl, just not the way you thought. She only released that strangle hold you had on realizing you were starting to like girls the same way you were starting to like boys. Such wonderful self loathing to work with, the blocks I built you practically wrote for me! Oh, sweet little Loophole fought once she realized what I was doing, but... The spirit shrugged and bared it's teeth in a horrible mockery of a smile. She had no chance against me.

“What kind of monster are you?” Cody growled, drawing his sword and staring down the spirit. “What other evil have you worked through me without my knowledge?”

Evil? The Kodiak sniffed. Good and evil are words for the powerless, boy. They don't apply to us. I do what I please, because her feelings, or those children's feelings or your feelings don't matter Wyatt Cody! You will fight the enemy of life that is coming and so I indulge you but you have no say in how or why what power I choose to share with you is used!

So yes, the bear spirit did mess with Loophole's memories. Up to the point of turning her into his slave, it claims. That Maria hadn't controlled her, only let her inhibitions loose. That all of the raping and mind controlling was all the bear's doing, and molding to make her go for Cody. That she fought against it, but honestly, she didn't have a choice in the matter.

Meaning that all those feelings for Cody, all the attraction, the savagery, the aggression she's giving, it's all thanks to that bear spirit. One could even say that the way she looks in that mindscape might also be part of that thing's machinations. And who knows what else it could do? Maybe it's even the reason why she emerged as a mutant. It was all fabricated, and changed who Loophole was. Those fears of Loophole becoming a whore? Well, she might almost have become one, thanks to that spirit.

But then the spirit also claims that it was for the greater good. That it did it to have 'tools' to fight that enemy it foresaw. That it did it because it could. That Loophole's feelings and wants were nothing. That it didn't need to ask, because it was powerful.

Now that is fearful. To be controlled and manipulated so deeply that you reached this point, and it all felt... right. In a way. She did doubt it, but there were desires there... But she was pretty much his slave, his offering, and she knew it to be true. That is scary.

Now, to be critical of this twist, it is quite a powerful move, but it is spoiled with the fact that Elaine already said earlier in the story that the bear had manipulated her mind. Had that reveal not happened, the twist here would have been so much stronger. Yes, in here it does have new information. New intent, new goals, and reveals how much of a monster the Kodiak can be, but the punch would have been stronger if we didn't have anything coming in. The Kodiak wasn't on the radar of suspects until we learned it could modify minds, and the twist here is weakened because of it. One might even be puzzled by the shock Elaine had if this scene happened in the timeline after her visit to Bellow's.

I'm also surprised that the bear spirit had the ability to change minds like that. Kinda overreaching for a spirit. Though then again, as Circe mentioned before, the form of the spirit doesn't mean it actually IS that spirit.

I do also find the bear's delivery a bit off. It didn't seem to mind giving this information. It didn't fight it, or be surprised that he was just giving out this information. In fact, it was almost boasting how powerful it was, and that it was beyond concept of good and evil. Could it have been goading for Cody to rage on him?

I suppose the reveal wasn't to give the information over to Loophole, but to reveal it to Cody, who in reaction, decides to fight for control over his bear spirit for harming his girlfriend that way, and make sure it doesn't happen again. The fight doesn't last long though, and although Cody is furious and winning, the bear seems almost ecstatic to have it's neck broken... And explode.

Now, the radiance was so powerful, that even the piece of mythos magic and the fae queen have to shield their eyes, but at that moment, said magic grabbed a spear, and threw it through the fae queen, killing her.

We get a few lines of her trying to comfort Nicky, saying it's okay, before her form fades away...

And within a few lines, the fae queen was no more.

Not by an epic struggle, not against a personal enemy, not against an epic struggle, or an evil trap. Not even in a heroic sacrifice or to protect anyone. Not even in a story that has any focus on her and her host.

The fae queen is taken out by a nameless mook.

...

Yeah, this is the bit that upset me quite a bit, and I'd open up on a full rant... But the fact is, I've already gone on said rant, and wrote up the result of it way below at the end where it would make the most impact. I couldn't get to this point in the review without writing it all down . The thoughts of this moment kept coming back to my mind over and over again, along with the justifications for it. So to keep them from painting the rest of the review, I got it over with.

So for this rant, I'll be seeing you by the end of the review, and I'll actually continue with the story.

So we cut from this drama-filled moment, back to Stronghold, who keeps on trying to reach his sister. We even get a cute clip of her voicemail message she has, but much to his frustration, he can't reach her.

His patience running to and end, he begins packing his bag (huh. If he didn't know where she was, why did he think he needed to pack anything?), when his current target of his affection arrives to the door, asking what's going on. He quickly apologizes, and says he can't go (I'm guessing their boat date), since his sister might need help. Marty, being the heroine she is, quickly volunteers her help, and the Cape Squad's resources to aid him in locating her. Smitten by her, he kisses her, and they get to work.

Then we return to our action scene, where in the aftermath of the death of the queen, Fey screamed in despair, and threw all she had in a single push of will to that one bit of magic that had Hekate's face, using the castle as ammunition. By the end of it, she's spent, and collapses. (Should I be nitpicking on how that spirit could deal with the Queen's power, yet couldn't deal with Fey's tantrum? Like it just rolled over? Minor detail, I suppose).

Before she can recover though, we switch our attention over to Wyatt, who seems to have fused to his spirit. He seems to still be reeling from the fusion, and his personality mixes with the Kodiak's, realizing what the two of them have done, the words mixing up between the two of them. The memories mix up, and they both respond in turn.

Then some memories must have come to his mind, and he suddenly starts to apologize. She cuts to the chase though, and asks him if Wyatt knows about what it did, and if she really cares about him, or if it was all made up. Major questions, certainly. He does say he knew there was something, but he made it so much more. That he had no ideas if it would reach that point. He does try to prove his guilt by giving her an open shot at his throat, and a shot at revenge.

Of course, she refuses, claiming she doesn't know who she is anymore. That she likes him, but doesn't even know if it's real or not. And that by no means, should he even come close to her. Especially since whatever manipulated her is now part of him.

That is a whole lot of drama and information given out there. Cody now had to deal personally with all the secrets the Kodiak has put up with, and who knows how much there is. Loophole has found out how much the Kodiak has manipulated her, and now can't even trust if her feelings, or herself is real or fabricated. And then there's Fey, who just lost the spirit she'd been linked to for a whole year. That is quite monumental there.

We get another quick cut back to New York to see the Headmistress, Jadis and Loophole arrive at one of Jadis' safehouses for operations. everything is mentioned to be secure, and their plans seem to already be working well. They already have newspaper articles set up for whatever they have planned. They even find out what Freya's recruiting operations looked like. And we end this little moment with Carson asking if there's a spot to cast a spell. Wonder what they've got in mind.

We switch back once more to ARC, where Cody wakes up, and frustratingly finds that Elaine is already long gone, and quickly learn she was off to see Miss Savage, most likely still in tears.

Attention quickly switches back to Cavalier and Skybolt, who wake up, quite sore from their positions for so long. They're a lot better mentally, and raring to go... Pretty similar to the same way they were when they were first freed. At the very least, it seems the doc is willing to get them to Doyle... Which surprises me, honestly. Why would they be sent to Doyle now? What's different from when they first came back to Whateley? Wouldn't they get examined at least first? Deal with the therapist that's been working with them? Kinda premature here.

Cody's about to go after Elaine, when…

“Son, what you've done here, it's impressive.”

“I didn't...”

“Whatever you think you didn't do, Elaine and Jean-Michael are closer to normal than I've seen since they arrived. Healed? Obviously not, but they are healing and that, son, is amazing. What do you plan to do with your life? Have you considered a career in mental health?”

Erm... No. No no. No no nononononoooooooo. Heck no.

Why is Cody getting any credit here? I suppose the telepath had no ideas what actually happened in that mental trip, but what did Cody do?

The mental trip into their minds? He couldn't do that on his own, and Fey was the one who had to do the magic involved.

Once inside said mental trip, what did he do? What was his version of mental care? Killing virtual representations of orcs. That's about it. I'd even say Loophole did more, since she made a way inside the castle.

The actions there may have freed Cavalier and Skybolt, but we have two other girls mentally scarred, and he's not doing so well.

At best, he organised the session to happen... About something he admitted he had no ideas was this bad.

So him getting credit here feels really unfair and undeserved. Like twisting the knife in the wound. We're already hurting emotionally as is, and the villain is getting praised for something he doesn't deserve. I suppose even Cody realises he doesn't deserve it, but it still hurts.

And that's about when Fey woke up, screaming in hysterics.

Things are not going well.

We switch over once more to Stronghold and Marty who are looking into Loophole's movements. Stronghold does notice she's been a bit distant since their kiss, and wonders why. We don't have much of a clue either, not getting much out of Marty's perspective, but a snippet in their previous scene.

But they do find Loophole's trail, and where she went to.

“You don't,” she shot back, pulling up another sheet. “Check this out. Mrs. Carson goes on a leave of absence starting at three, but it's entered into her engagement book at nine fifty eight! Next entry is Elaine signing out to a field trip to ARC at eleven, and her house mother and Cody is on that trip...”

Okay, now that answers my question about the timeline here... Which means Carson did let Loophole go in a situation with the very boy who has mentally manipulated her mind and very being. How... Negligent, honestly. Was she so narrow-focussed on payback on Freya that she neglected to check with Loophole's schedule? And wouldn't have Loophole refused to go with the boy whose spirit mentally abused her? Or even accept the fact that they're going on a mental trip into someone else's mind? Kinda negligent there. Made for story purposes there, I suppose.

It also means that Loophole already knew that the bear spirit had done something to her. You'd think she'd be smarter than going at ARC for some more mental experimentations.

Any case, they link her path down to Carson and Jadis. when the latter name comes up, they become even more worried.

His daughter, anyway,” Marty replied. “There was something of a melt down at
the Alpha pledge party last year. Freya really laid into Jadis, called her out
basically. The way I heard it, Jadis left in tears.

Stephen frowned. What does that have to do with Lanie?

"Elaine was at that party," Marty explained. "And now she's high up
in the Alpha pecking order and brought low Freya's would be replacement, Tansy." It was obvious by the look on his face, Stephen wasn't connecting the dots, so
Marty sighed and continued. "Elaine was offered Alpha Female and turned it
down," she said. "That sounds like she would rather be the power behind the
scenes, that could very well mean that Elaine was Freya's chosen
replacement for the Alpha's and it took her until January to unseat The Don."
She paused, a cold shiver going down her back.

"That's crazy!" Stephen exploded. "Lanie hated Freya! Went on and on
about what a psycho bitch she was!"

Marty reached out and put a hand on his arm. "Steve, if Jadis thinks
that Elaine is the Alpha power and she's decided to take her revenge on her
since she can't get at Freya, your sister is in deep, deep
trouble."

That's... More than a bit of a stretch of logic there. Then again, we are talking about Marty here, who may have good intentions, but not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.

I'm surprised she recalled that evening though. For the readers, it may be fresh info, but that was a minor event over a year ago at a party Marty would not have been invited to. Surely, there must have been other, more recent links that could have been found.

In any case, Marty knows where they're going, and they're about to follow.

We switch back to ARC, where Fey is obviously upset and walling in despair from losing her spirit. Considering this is the girl who can set a thunderstorm when she's feeling PMS, I can only imagine what kind of magical disasters might be unleashed when she'd be that upset... Though it turns out, it's just a few hobgoblins.

Tears were streaming from her eyes and her incoherent babble with an audience to focus on finally settled into, “She's gone!”

“Death is a part of life, majesty,” Cody told her softly, not entirely sure why as the words came out. “We both know the Great Queen defied it far too long.”

“I can't be alone!” Nikki wailed, “not now! I have to get her back!”

“You aren't alone, Nikki,” he scolded her gently. “You won't ever be truly alone.” She buried her face into his shoulder and sobbed, balling her hands into fists to beat against his chest.

“I have to go back! I have to find her!”

“She isn't there to find, little one,” he soothed, trying to reason with her. Her fists beat onto his chest harder, with all the force of an ant trying to move the Rock of Gibraltar.

Okay, smart guy, how do you know that?... Wait, Great Kodiak spirit merger. Almost forgot that. Answered my own question.

But how the heck would we trust you when you can't even trust yourself, big guy? You're mighty quick to say 'Sorry, she's dead and gone', to someone who's in shock. For all we know about what you're doing, you're the one who machinated the whole thing. That it's all one big fancy illusion of your making. You're able to pull out fancy abilities out of nowhere after all, right?

... Yes, I'll admit, my ammount of spite for the guy is pretty high.

In a fashion, I'm lucky. I already know that the death is real. there's no going back. I can only imagine readers who went through this the first time, and hoping, hoping the queen would just magically return, or it was all another mind trick. I wouldn't have put it past this kind of story at this point.

But he does take Fey away from ARC, even though he had to threaten the guy with him to operate the elevator. His excuse saying that the only right physicists are at Whateley is pretty weak, considering they have access to Class X information there, but on the flipside, considering what happened to Merry in there, I'm just relieved she's not being detained there.

We timeskip back to Bellow's office where Cidy finishes explaining what happened to Bellows, who will take care of her.

Dr. Bellows shook his head. “Unfortunately, I have some experience with avatars who've lost their spirits. I would appreciate it greatly if you'd be a friend to her, Wyatt. You went through this with her. She likely won't be over this quickly and having someone that shared the experience, that would help her.” The senior nodded slowly.

... A friend? Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no ,no no. Hold on a minute here, doc. she already has friends. Friends that have seen her through thick and thin, ever since she arrived on campus. in fact, one of them has already felt the weight of losing a 'spirit' when Jinn was captured by Tansy. Jade could relate to that. You yourself should know that, doc. In fact, considering Team Kimba, I'm expecting Chaka to go to him, and kick his ass royally for what he allowed to happen. To get a friend involved into something that wasn't her business, even if cody would claim it wasn't his fault. Heck, I'd grab popcorn.

Cody? He doesn't know her. In fact, if you'd kept up with events, you'd know they were in opposite factions. Cody can't quite relate either, since he hasn't lost his spirit, he's pretty much become with with it. Even to pile on even MORE reasons for this, Dr Bellows, this is a student who you just discovered, hours ago, that might be involved in mentally manipulating another girl who was just as vulnerable, and might not hesitate to do it again. Honestly, doc, you should know better than to invite him in this.

“If I can help, give me a shout, Doc. And, say, when you've got a second some time, maybe we could talk about what you do. I'm kinda interested, career wise, maybe.”

... This is from a guy whose idea of fun is to beat up bad guys in a simulator. Whose core is to be a swordsman with a big, broad, crushing blade. Whose treatment method is killing orcs. Who, again, mentally manipulated a girl to be, as the spirit called her, his dedicated slave. If someone claims that it wasn't Cody's fault, this is now a fusion of Cody and the Kodiak. I don't see a bone in his body who's interested in helping people with mental issues, I see someone who's able to take advantage of mentally vulnerable people and mold them into what he wants, then call it 'helping'. I see a lot of bad things happening in the near future.

We end this little section with Bellows trying to talk to Fey, who's still wishing desperately to find the fairy queen once more.

Part of me wished we'd gone back to her during this story, see what's happened to her, but it's not going to be happening here, so we end her part in this chapter with mental deficiencies.

Then we switch our focus back to New York, where our trio prep up a Fool's Circle. They do warn Elaine properly about what that circle means, and the possible consequences, along with a warning that magic is never an easy answer to anything. Loophole, after the explanation, does trust the Headmistress enough to step in the circle of her own free will, even when her soul might be in the balance. The spell itself transforms Loophole into Wicked, and we have the definitive answer on who the burglar really is.

I will admit to my fault for a knee-jerk reaction at first about the Fool's Circle, since the only one we'd heard about was the one used to enslave Cavalier and Skybolt, and almost catching Fey in its circle. Magic that was supposed to be forbidden, outside of what Hekate should have known. But upon further reflection, the circle could just be one component, a tool to be used in rituals. I simply assumed it was the soul-enslavement spell.

What I would criticise Carson on though, is the fact that Loophole just had her mind tampered with, and now she's using a spell that will once more tamper with her personality. Sounds like a pretty easy way to cause even more damage on a fragile psyche.

And someone correct me here, but I don't remember Loophole using a bow before. Not unless you count that mindscape sequence. When did that come into play? We already know she's more into guns, so why a bow?

But by the end of the spell, Loophole's personality shifts, and she becomes a much more confident in herself and her capabilities, any shyness of the previous girl gone from this persona. This all comes along with the new look to both her body and her suit to make the new villain for hire. And she enjoys the new feel.

Which brings us back around to the Superbad, after 'Wicked' has explained the details to Maria (I'm surprised they didn't wait to be somewhere else for this explanation, considering who might be hovering over them). They're about to start deeper into the implications of this plan, when they're interrupted by a scream of frustration from Freya.

Seems like when she opened her Christmas Present, she found a lump of coal. At at least a note saying the guards sold the piece of jewelry, and they only got a receipt. By luck though, an announcement at the TV exclaims that the jewelry set would be fully assembled and presented to the public the very next day. I don't think they could have put up better bait for the girl. She swallowed it all, hook line and sinker. She's about to propose for Wicked to take it all, but she refuses to go alone. That this is beyond one cat burglar, no matter how professional. So they break off for the night, leaving Elaine to drive Maria home.

We cut off to Stronghold and Megagirl arriving at the latter's home, and being met at gunpoint at the door by the father. He starts off hostile, to say the least, even at his own daughter, asking if she got kicked out or knocked up. He does mellow down when he learned that the maker of the bulletproof vest he wore is Stronghold's sister. Once he does get that, he does welcome them in, even asks if he can help. It's a bit awkward to see him relax after hearing that reason, but there are worse.

He does get a call for him to show up at the Met the next day, which is where the jewelry set will be on display. That pretty much sets him on location for the attempted robbery.

Switching back to Maria and Elaine, as they drive to the former's home, and... It's a dump. Barely a single room, much to Elaine's shock. But by Maria's words, she can't afford anything else. Elaine says her trust funds should have her covered, but Maria rebukes with the disaster train that welcomed her: her mother left her house, sold it off, drained all her accounts, and ran off without telling her daughter, leaving her without a home or a dime. The school did set her up with an apartment, a job, and a spot with the NYU, along with a lawyer and account to chase back the money, but... It's still a pretty shitty life.

Then Maria claims she never raped Elaine, and with that, she wants her soul back. This is when Elaine apologizes, and claims she wasn't herself. That her head got messed up with. That it was the Kodiak's fault, not Cody's. Maria... Well, she's got a lot of venom for men... Partly because her stepfather raped her, so who can blame her? She's not fully right, but she's definitively got a grudge. After that, Elaine finally admits that she could never take her soul. That it was all just a show. The relief on Maria's face is immediate.

This whole little section builds up a whole lot of sympathy for Songbird right now. Previously, she got turned from villain to victim, and here we get to see the pain and misery she's actually been feeling the whole time. If you felt guilty about her before, the guilt will just swell up more and more with every aspect. The one we thought for a while was a monster, was actually in pain and vulnerable. You want to help her. Rescue her. Tell her everything will be all right. She's not perfect, but still, she deserves better.

Then she drops another little bomb about what happened. After Elaine's spark show, Cody got to Songbird, pulled her up by the neck, and threatened to kill her if she even took a look at Loophole. Now we get to pile this up even more on Maria as a victim. Cornered, alone, with a man who clearly overpowered her? Her being a victim of rape? Yeah, I believe she literally pissed herself. And we KNOW Cody does this kind of work. He was Freya and Don's thug for a long time. He was just a few sentences short of bragging about it in Dr Bellow's office. In fact, he literally said he enjoys giving people, who deserve it, the beating they're owed. Okay, maybe he was doing it thinking it was deserved, but this is certainly not the first time he's done it and enjoyed it. I'm getting flashbacks of the talk about Vigilante Justice.

But Maria does forgive Loophole for what she did, along with some sympathy for Loophole for being a puppet. She even admitted she may have been a little guilty herself. It is a rather sweet moment...

Which gets a mite awkward when Maria tries to make the moves on Loophole. I know you two just made up, but it's a little quick to go right into... Netflix and Chill territory. Especially with what's coming the day after.

Speaking of the day after, we hop on over to the grand unveiling, starting with Maria and Elaine slipping out of the limo ellegantly in very fancy dresses, and giving the whole public something to look at while the villains slip in comparatively ignored to the lesbian duo. There is a bit of implications to what the two actually did that evening, but most of it will be left to the reader's imagination.

It's not long before Feya seems to beeline for the artifact like a little kid waiting to open their Christmas presents. Part of it, you can understand. As Maria said, she thought she was about to become a goddess (We know better than that). They set up with speakers hovering in the air, and a suggestion... And just to make things fail even more spectacularly, instead of just picking the jewelry and leaving with her prize, she proclaims herself a goddess, and asks people to bow down to her.

... Isn't that part of the Evil Overlord list? Let's take a look.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

218. I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.

Sounds close enough.

I believe the Evil Overlord List should be required read for any good supervillains. Because the greatest superpower is Common Sense.

Yeah. Someone was greedy enough to automatically assume the artifact would grant her instant godhood. She didn't even have anything further down the plan in case if the jewel didn't work out. So no wonders she's disturbed when three people resist her godly powers. A coy Lady Astarte, a smug She-Beast, and an old man, whose first words are: "That doesn't belong to you."

"I am a goddess!" screamed Freya at the old man. "All the Earth is mine! Bow down old man, and worship me!"

"No," he replied calmly.

He's like a wise old granpa talking discipline to a kid having a tantrum. He may look old, but he's certainly not frail, and he feels in total control, even under the full effect of her power. That should be the point where Freya should have realized she was facing a Bigger Fish, and she was in trouble.

Instead, she grows frustrated, and asks where's the real thing, which is when Jadis decides to rub it in her face, and tell her, step by step, how her 'research' would have led her to this set. This is her sweet, sweet moment of payback, and she's enjoying it.

As Freya orders her minions to kill them, Maria steps up, and gives an order to the civilians to file out calmly, and they certainly do. It's then that Freya looks over, shocked, and for a single paragraph, you get the feeling of her betrayal she must have felt, when the narrator says she thought Maria was her best friend, and she whispered her name. Her heart must have broken at that point.

Without skipping a beat though, Freya's rage only builds up, and asks Wicked to kill her former friend, and that's when Loophole decides to set up her own little piece of revenge, and the next betrayal with a flip of the bird. At that point, Freya goes full-on comic book supervillain, and goes in desperation asking to kill them all.

Quick cutscene outside with Stronghold and Megagirl who are watching the scene, Marty giving a new theory now that she knows Freya might be involved. At least she's wise enough to change her theory if the overall picture changes. As soon as people start piling out though, they decide to dive in, hero style.

Back inside, the fight has already started.

The spellcasters quickly disappear, even though it's clear Freya's minion is way out of her league. The old man just takes her spell, not only dispels it, but is fascinated by how complex it is. The two disappear, not to be heard from until the fight is over.

The fight between She-Beast and Monteur is... Not exactly spectacular. It's so one-sided, it's not even funny. He may have been a decent gadgeteer, but She-Beast easily bested him in combat, paralysing him with a spell and disabling his powered gear. He was simply not fighter, and in this situation, really not ready for this.

Freya also was rather underwhelming in the fight department, but it's still more satisfying than Monteur. Why? Well, it's hard to show any kind of competence when fighting against Carson, of all people. Carson is holding back mostly, even when a few slaps just about take her out. It's especially humiliating when Carson suddenly stops bothering to block her blows, and just stands there, looking like a badass. The scales of power aren't anywhere near fair. Freya herself is taken down like nothing.

In a fashion, it's not surprising. Freya's powerset isn't meant for a serious fight or combat. Once you block her effect, she's not exactly that much. Her power is a potent ability in more social environment. She controls people, gets their favors, controls the floor and attention. She's good at getting people with power to do the actual job for her, so she doesn't have to get her hands dirty. Great for a social butterfly, kinda impractical in a fight. That's probably how she specialised, and led to her eventual fall. I'm surprised she didn't pack any of those gadgets her gadgeteer friends would have built for her. Kodiak did claim she had them in her favor, and she had a gadgeteer in her team.

I did say this fight was more entertaining though, even if I'm downplaying the fight itself. It's not the fisticuf that's entertaining, but the satisfaction of Carson getting personal on an ex-student that was a thorn in her side. Freya right away claims she's violating neutrality, but Carson's first few blows quickly communicate that the school's previous protection won't protect her cute little ass here. Along with the blows, she claims those were payback for Snapshot and Wildman, hinting she knew the truth, but didn't act on them (odds are, for lack of solid evidence that would hold in court). Then we get Freya's panic retaliation, trying to get a blow in, using what little knowledge she got from Ito, mentally calling him a smiling little sadist (proof of her 'respect' for him), but Carson shows how outclasses she was, says how poor of a student she was, and as a closing line, says that for this combat final, she got an F. That... That was satisfying.

I will mention it is a little odd though that the only two events Carson brought up were Snapshot and Wildman. That through four years of manipulation, some of those as the head of the Alphas, those were the only ones she brought up. Sure, those were important to the story by the way they were attached to Loophole and Cody, so the reader knows about those incidents, but it makes it sound like those are the only ones that happened. That the whole anger and frustration that Carson has was only about that. I get the feeling there should have been more than that or even been more generalised, but someone didn't want to bother, and just focussed on their scenes.

The real big threat of the fight though, is Freya's muscle houd: Odison. It's no small threat either. Not only is he strong, but he regenerates real quick. But worse of all, it seems he's also under a spell from a Fool's circle, and it's causing him to grow and grow, and go on a rampage to either protect or avenge Freya. Failing the first one, he went right into avenging her, and making sure everyone else involved died. To make matters worse, whatever spell was weaved made sure to eat at all magic directed at him, and make him grow. That's a major threat.

Stronghold and Megagirl do swoop in to try to help, but only serve to show how strong the big guy really is. Loophole does seem to give the right orders, and tell them to go do damage control, since her brother isn't nearly trained for this kind of stuff (although Marty ought to be more than qualified), and they do comply.

The solution to the issue is in a fashion clever, though the effort involved is kinda extreme. Loophole tows the big lug by his armor (how the armor grew with Odison, I don't understand, but.... It's magic?), and pulled him off with all her power into space. Her suit is made for that kind of travel after all. Aiming for asphyxiation is one way to make sure his body won't be able to fuel his regeneration, and I doubt space is full of much magical essence to fuel the spell powering him up either. Even more so, decompression would turn his own strong circulatory system against his own body, no matter how strong it might be. It's got to be a painful, painful way to go. Would have been nice to have those details provided to us for those who can't figure it out (in fact, I may have my own facts off), but it's done.

Odison though does get one grab in, and although it's not enough to save him, the motion Loophole has to do to get him off does get the power pack off her suit, and leave her drifting powerlessly into space, setting another cliffhanger in this story.

We switch back to Carson and the students, who are wrapping things up. Stronghold and Marty give their explanations, which Carson acknowledges, and we get details about the ultimate fate of our villains, including LaFaye who gets put to the old man's services in penance. I doubt it'll be easy on her, but the man in interested, to say the least.

He does also mention Galahad and Hercules syndrome, two new cases I don't think was mentioned before, but Jadis explains a bit more in details. The Diedricks of exemplars, and the high amount of hormones in exemplars directing them in much more extreme actions. I get the feeling Carson wouldn't be the only one with those symptoms. Yes, I'm looking at you, Stronghold.

But they soon leave the scene, covering their tracks as best they can.

We jump back to space, where Langley rescues Loophole from death in space. I'll admit, this scene confused me quite a bit. It has a lot of details, procedures and codes I simply don't recognise, yet little info on what was what. What is Langley driving? What's ISS? I wasn't even sure who Langley was, given how long it's been since I heard the name. The earlier call Carson did helped there, but not much. More details to describe what's happening to the reader would have really helped, even if it is the nothingness of space. At best, the only thing clear is that someone saved Loophole from her fate in space.

We then skip on to the next day, when everyone is returning to the school, and as the story tells, there's very little victory feel into it. Most people are silent, except Carson who's busy with multiple phone calls, and the fallout of what they've just done, including endangering Jadis in something she shouldn't have. Even when Stronghold comes in to chat with his sister, she asks him to leave her alone.

... Wait.

Minor detail here, but if Loophole was just rescued from space, why is she on that train? I know it's the next day, but wouldn't have Langley have brought her back? Even if it would have been from a different way? Or was it essential that they all come back together for denial, and paper trails?

The meat of that scene though it kept between Marty and Stephen. It starts with Carson giving a hint to Marty about being honesty in a relationship. Words of wisdom, sure, but not for every situations, considering how much secrecy she has to deal with.

Comments aside, Marty does reveal to Stronghold that she's really a boy under her shell. It's not quick though, and she does talk around the subject slowly to make sure he won't be shocked. Makes sense, it's not an easy decision, and certainly something she's thought about for a while, and although he's confused, Stephen does keep his mind open, and say it'll be okay. When she finally does show him who 'she' is, he's surprised, then... Does the unexpected, and asks if it was something wrong with him instead. Was he the one at fault? Was his ancestry the reason why she thought it'd be hard to reveal it to him? That it'd be wrong? One might think it's because he doesn't know how transgender people might be treated, but in one way or another, it is incredibly sweet for the two of them.

The only bad thing I'd say about the reveal though, is that it feels... Premature. The struggle that Marty had about keeping her current body status a secret isn't really shown previously. It's minor mentions in the grand scheme of things, so when this pops up as an issue, it comes out a little out of nowhere. There could have been more time given to that issue previously, or even more insight coming from Marty herself on why it's hard, and why she'd want to avoid slipping out. It would have given this scene more meaning an impact, and made it a lot better. It's still a sweet moment for their relationship, but there could have been more there.

The final scene we have in this story is back to Mr Donner, who gets a new vehicle in the shop, and although she's an oldie, she can be salvaged. Loophole joins in, and it takes no time for her to get interested in the subject... Before she apologizes to her tutor, and that she's lost part of herself. Controlled. That she doesn't know who she is anymore. And Donner, as caring as he can be, says he'll help her remember.

The story does end a bit... Abruptly. There's a lot of loose ends that could use expansion, like what happened with Maria, Freya, Fey, Cody... But that's because he whole story isn't over, this is just a part of a greater narrative. It might just feel a little early to close this chapter yet.

But this is where this chapter, and this story ends. Is it a completely bad story? No, in fact, there's a lot of good twists in there, and a lot of emotions... Even if there's a lot of plotholes, and forced convenience to form the plot that goes along with it. Toss in that one element that would have fans cry out in rage, and simply magnifies all the flaws within.

Before I go on that flaw though, I do want to go over each characters and what's interesting in each.

I want to start with Maria, because out of all of them, she's the biggest loose end I wish could have gotten some attention. We start off seeing her as a manipulator, as a villain, as someone who mind raped our main character. It's the picture painted, and our preconceived notions of her. But when we see her scenes, her reactions, we get a different view, and she doesn't seem that bad. More normal, casual, worried about things. It's not the impish second-in-command type of villains you might picture at first. In fact, later on, after the reveal, you learn she didn't rape Loophole, and her life has been down the crapper. That she's been hurt before, and what Loophole did was only beating on someone who was already down. Is she completely clean? No. Not really. She was still Freya's second in command for years after all. She went with it. But it seems that didn't completely screw her moral compass.

Which is kinda why I wish I knew more of what happened with her. After the combat, she disappears off the scene, and we don't learn anything. Did she fix her ties completely with Loophole? Is she keeping in contact? Will her life be all right. Will she testify against and help Freya in the brig? We don't get to know that. We don't need all the answers by the end, but something for more closure would have helped.

On the other end of the spectrum, we have Cody. Why on the other end of the spectrum? Because through these pasts stories, he's pictured as a good person. The right one, trying to make good, and trying to be better by Loophole to be more than just a one-shot. He's done some good. He truly believes he's doing things right. Even has a bit of a code of honor, when others say he's but a thug.

But in this story, a lot of the bad things that followed here were caused by him, and his way of thinking. What his spirit did to Loophole was terribly wrong, and he was both an accessory and a goal to that plot. What he did to Maria was also wrong. When he believes something has to be done his way, he has the strength to threaten people around him to get his way nonetheless, even if he is in the wrong. We've seen as such in the elevator in ARC. He might not believe he's in the wrong, but he definitively acts like an extremist. I always believe it when in writing a villain that they never 'think' themselves the villain. They don't really think they do things just to be evil. They will simply go at it with extreme options, even when hurting everyone around them, including innocents and their loved ones. And Cody might very well be one of these people.

And speaking of extremes, we have the Kodiak spirit as this one's hidden villain. It's played well, as in it's not always clear what he's trying to do. He's often pictured not as a schemer, but as the wise old man giving advice, even if it is rough, and simply hard lessons told to a knucklehead. It's why it's such a shock when it turns out that spirit is the one who machinated the whole enterprise. It's a bit overpowered, but it is a shock, and it can work. It's almost a shame that it's gone now, since the audience no longer has hope that it will get retribution for everything that it did. Cody will get that instead.

What also drives this manipulation though, is that it claims it did it in preparation for a great struggle. That it's for life to keep going on. It thinks mind raping a young woman is perfectly acceptable That it has power, might is right, and it'll do what's needed. It's wrong, but it thinks it's got the right to do it.

Now Cody and Kodiak have merged, and now the two personalities are becoming one. Who knows what will emerge from this. Cody's personality might as well be dead at this point, or just a point of something else. In a fashion, a new character. I will say though, that for all of this, he does seem to be getting off easy. Way too easy and unschathed on the whole thing. It doesn't seem fair.

But it's that kind of gray morality that washes all over this story. There is a mention in the story that the world isn't quite as black or white as you imagine it to be, and it's part of this story, certainly. There is some Black and White, Freya was definitely a villain for example, but there's a whole lot of gray involved. What seems to be heroes and villains don't just turn out to be good, but victims also. It does give them a much more complex view and a lot of dimension. You need to keep your perspectives in check. You never know who might be the next 'villain'.

I'll admit, I expected more out of Freya. She was pictured as this mighty Alpha Queen who did everything better and was almost untouchable. She was definitely different, but in this plot? She was a joke. Outmatched in every single way. Her goal was fake, her plan was weak, her menagerie was dedicated, but common sense wasn't exactly their forte, and when face-to-face with Carson, she was useless. A bit of a let-down in my expectations.

But in a fashion, it may be a picture of how she was brought up in Whateley. She was dominant in that environment. Where the bigger fish were kept in check, and she was untouchable. The rules of neutrality let her be on top, and she could use people as she wished. She felt powerful and in control. Didn't think she had the need to learn and improve. So when she was left out of that environment? The rules changed, and all she had just wasn't enough. She was the queen of a small pond suddenly finding herself in an ocean. Even her closest confidante, Maria, wasn't there to help her, keep her in check, be her conscience and second in command. When she found herself in need of more power, she went at it blindly.

And when she tried to go on full-on villain, she didn't quite realize that there were much bigger fishes in the ocean. When face-to-face with one? Well, she 'flouder'red.

... But this is just me making assumptions, adding in context, when the story doesn't give you that. So all I'm left with is a disappointing villain.

Stronghold was interesting, though a bit irritating. He kept meddling when he didn't need to directly. In a way it was good, he was part of when the Kodiak's plan was unravelled, but he could have also caused serious problems. Part of the Galahad syndrome mentioned previously, one might ascertain. That he has to be the one to solve an issue only he could see. He'd ask for help, but not always listen. That could have gone in many ways. I expect him to get hurt at some point though, seriously hurt, and maybe, just maybe learn a lesson, but it may vary. At least he has some solid determination behind him.

As for Loophole, she's definitively complex, a character that's slowly changing and evolving the more we read. She doesn't always make the right choices, and definitely had some doubts... Hrm. I suppose another point brought to light, is that those doubts about her tossing herself into Cody's arms, thinking she might be a whore is also flipped around on it's head. That at first, we think he's just a good guy, respects her, and she was in control, that she should get over it... But in reality, it was something much darker. That as a reader, we pushed her right along in his arms with what we knew, never realizing the truth. Makes the whole manipulation even more horrible in hindsight.

But she also has a lot of things to work with now. They say 'I think, therefore, I am', but what happens when even your own thoughts might be false? A fabrication? That your own being might not be yourself? What do you trust at that point? Or do you just roll along, ready to be manipulated again? To be someone's puppet and plaything? That your own being isn't yourself? That's real scary, and you don't just 'get over' it. She's going to have to take time and find herself once more. What her core is, with her friends and family. Those who care about her.

And to stay away from whatever Cody has become.

As for the structure of the story, I will have to complain that there's a whole lot of scene changing that is... Confusing at times. There's so many of them, it's hard to keep track of what's going on. I will admit there's some serious cliffhangers and reveals involved, and those are perfect, but the story does need to be more linear at times. It makes it hard to read and keep track of what happened and what hasn't.

And there are quite a few plot holes in the story, but a lot of them can be seen as minor and ignored for the sake of keeping the story as is. It happens.

But...

Well, I said I'd keep this bit at the end, and I did. It's already been written a while ago, and I knew I couldn't progress properly without writing it down first.

I'm not going to edit it, although I will add more thoughts at the end.

So now...

About Fey's involvement... And the consequences...

---

Now, I'm writing this part ahead of time, in the middle of the full review, because this has been running in my head for over a week to see how I can put it all in words. That's why I'm leaving this at the end of the review, since it is a central part of why I wrote this in the first place.

With all that I've mentioned in this story, and all that I've explored, the one thing that had me upset above all else: the death of Aunghadhail. This scene around Cavalier and Skybolt's mindscape takes the centre stage in this story, because at the end of it all, this is what I reflected upon the most. It really upset me.

I recognise it's not fair to the story itself either. There's a lot more going on, some of it really fascinating. The fact that Loophole had her mind played with so much, that she doesn't recognize who she is anymore, what's real, and what was forced upon her. Cody now has to deal with merging with his spirit, and the ramifications of that. What are his actual accomplishments, and what was a clever manipulation of his spirit in the background? The turnaround on Maria's situation from villain to victim. Even Megagirl and Stronghold's relationship now that she's dropped the bombshell on him.

But by the end of the story, what came upfront to me was the death scene, and I was still upset about it. It overtook every other reactions. I never did get the general reaction over Mass Effect 3, how a single thing can take over the judgement of a whole piece, but this might be the closest I've ever been. It didn't feel fair at all. And that's with me being lucky enough that I could see it coming. I knew what might have been coming up, I can only imagine what unsuspecting readers would have gone through at the time.

Now, I'm not against character deaths. They do happen. It gives weight and danger to what they do. The realisation of the brush with death they have at all times. And the follow-up to that can make them even stronger in the end. The death of a character is a powerful tool, even if it is at the cost of a character you've involved so much time with.

In fact, as I said earlier, I was lucky that I was told earlier that she would die. I had the chance to reason it. To think about it. Yes, I was upset that a character I cared for would be gone, and another hurt by it, but this was a great chance for growth on the side of Nicky's part. It'd be a chance to show that for all the great power they have, Team Kimba isn't invulnerable. They don't carry around protagonist plot armor. Fey's spirit was also a crutch to her, always taking over when she had trouble, to give a word of wisdom, to show her outrage or when making hard decisions. Taking that away from her is a challenge to her in so many ways and we'll finally get to see some honest growth from Nicky herself. It frees Fey to be a much better character in the end.

But be it that a character death does help a story or a character, it doesn't mean that Aunghadhail was any less a character. One character that we'd been reading, and caring for years by now. You might even argue that she has more background and history than Nikki does. Yes, that background and history is exactly why it's a crutch for Nicky, but it is there, and as readers, we've grown attached to her.

I'll go back to a philosophy that I'm paraphrasing from Linkara, a popular comic book reviewer. When the topic comes about character death, they are acceptable, but there are conditions to make it a good character death. You have to have had their personal story arc completed, that there are no more stories to be had with this character. Their death also have to had meaning in the grand scheme of things, be it a heroic sacrifice or great struggle. And although I can't agree to all of that happening all the time, I do believe in it's principle.

What happened here though couldn't be the more opposite to that. I believe the TV Trope entry for this is that she got a bridge dropped on her. An anti-climactic death in someone else's story. This whole story was all centered around Loophole and Cody. Fey was but a footnote in the whole affair. In fact, Jadis had more introduction to her part of the story. All that happens is Cody showing up at her door saying 'Hey, I need you', and she agrees... When really she shouldn't have, when you think back to it. The fight does not have a description. You don't see a struggle, you don't get any clever moves, clever plot, or any personal investment into it. It's all moved to the background where no one can really see it. The attention is brought right back to Loophole and Cody and their part in the plot. When she is taken down, it's not by a clever trap, it's not by a betrayal, it's not in a beam struggle she could have won and it's not in a heroic sacrifice to save the others. They're all just stunned for a moment, the enemy, for 'some reason', recovers quickly, and finds an opening. And we are talking about the warrior fairy queen, who has fought in wars previously, have held her own against the Necromancer and fought against armies of corrupted werewolves... Being taken down essentially by a nameless mook. It may have had Hekate's face printed on it, but really, it was a nameless mook. The death here is incredibly... Cheap.

But since this is a focus story on Cody and Loophole, the struggle of Fey takes a side seat to what's happening to the actual plot of this story. Outside of being told 'sorry, she's dead, really dead, get over it' (Yes, I am aware I'm exaggerating, but it felt like it), she's left in Bellow's arms to get over her mental damage, while we move back to Loophole and Maria's struggle with Freya. Fey got used by the plot as a plot device, paid the ultimate price, then got discarded to the side like a used tissue. That's how I felt by the end of the story.

And all of that anger and resentment had to go somewhere. There was no real enemies involved, since again, nameless mook and all. So all of that transferred over to the reason this happened in the first place: Cody. And the fact that after that happened, that he got praised for it? That he then was asked to be friends with her? That maybe he had a future in psychology? That just added fuel to the whole fire. It feels like that death was just meant to make Loophole and Cody look good in comparison. That was all done with the death of a beloved character. So yes, I was more than a little upset.

But on reflection, I also understand that all that anger toward Cody isn't exactly deserved. He didn't have any malicious feelings toward her, didn't try to get her killed. Things happened that he couldn't... Fully control. But it's that praise at the end that just ignited something inside when the boy should have been denounced for gross incompetence.

As soon as I finished the story, I started thinking back on my head why this all happened, what led to this, trying to figure out why this happened. I filed in the back of my mind how the scenes developped to that point, and contradictions kept coming up. The whole scene, in a fashion, was forced into place. Up to a point where it feels like executive meddling was in place.

Why did Fey accept his invitation? Cody is a member of the Alphas, what might be considered their number one enemies, even if the guy in charge was dethroned. There are other spellcasters on campus, even off-campus with more experience than she had.

Even after she accepted, why did she agree to go alone? She could have brought some of the other Kimbas or people she trusted in this.

Was it because of her attachment to the freedom of Cavalier and Skybolt? The last we'd actually seen them act in person was when they were freed, and they seemed fine at the time, outside of the seething hate for the Don and Hekate. Had a spell really put them in a trance like they were shown, there was no way they were sound enough of mind to beat up the Don, and give him that enlightening rectal exam. Why are they suddenly in this trance? There's no previous hints to that either.

I can understand Cody being involved, since it's personal to him, and I can understand Fey, but why is Loophole brought along? There's absolutely no reason to bring her along with this. What are her qualifications in the dealings of magic and psychology? Why wouldn't someone else be a better choice? Even more so when she's just had a traumatic event happen to her.

And the only sensible answer I could come up with by the end? This was all orchestrated for the big reveal of the bear spirit's manipulations. A setting where Cody and the bear were separated, and Loophole could find out the truth. In order to reach that point, a lot of previous points were used to set this up. The death of Aunghadhail was just an opportunity on the side, and was treated as such.

The whole scenario happened and was forced to happen because the plot the writers intended to aim for demanded it that way. If I stared up at the right angle, I could see the puppeteer's strings pulling things along. There are times when I can accept this, but this wasn't one of those times. That's where all the anger and spite I'd gathered went into.

So I can see how you might have been accused of being mean or spiteful toward Maggie, considering the way you treated her characters. I understand how people might have felt at the time, but I don't believe it was meant out of that. As you mentioned before, you spoke of this with Maggie (that did give me some relief in my reasoning), and I understand you probably spoke, and planned this with other writers at the time before even starting to write this. I'm sure they would have intercepted you if that was all there was to it. I don't believe this was written purely out of spite.

Being done in haste? Now that one, I can give a lot more credit to. Fey was pulled into this with very little introduction or reason to be there. The fight between the fairy queen and the shard of magic had very little description, let alone explanation. The mook villain had little reasons to be there. The death itself was incredibly cheap and quick to happen. All of the plot contradictions and complaints I had about that scene could have been fixed by expanding on them and actually explain them in details. Expand the villain, even if it is a researcher in ARC setting this up for someone else. Have a planned meeting to explain Cody's reasoning. Have more people be in the group going in that mental landscape. Make a fitting battle that the queen lost. Those are parts that can be improved upon and make for a much more satisfying scenario. As it is, it feels like someone went: "Let's get this over with... Except the parts about Loophole and Cody. All the way down to the feel of their costumes."

I can see problems with trying to expand the scenario, that it takes extra time, and might take attention away from Loophole's story, depending on how massive it might be. But even as it is, it's already taking attention from the final impact of the story. It's already interfering.

My first reaction for a fix would have been to remove this scenario from the story. It just hurts your story too much as is. There may be other ways to point the bear as the culprit. Maybe even other more fitting ways to kill the queen. But that decision would have been hasty on my part too, since this scenario seems perfectly fit to kill two birds with one stone.

My best solution to it to improve this? I would take a scalpel, and dissect out the whole scenario with Skybolt and Cavalier's minds, then expand it into it's own story. Make it a story of Loophole, Cody, Fey and anyone else involved. Give everyone the attention they deserve, and get a proper scenario for the death of the queen. The reveal of the bear can wait a little for that. That would be my best solution to rescue this situation. Not everyone might be happy on it, but it's what I picture would improve this.

But... This isn't what happened. This is a story that was written years ago. I realize that. It's not my story either. It's your right to do it as you please.

All that I am is a reader, and these are my feelings after reading this story. Maybe there's something I just don't see right now. In fact, if there is something in the background manipulating everything, it's so subtle, so muddy, that I just can't detect it, and can only take it at face value. But I hope I've made myself clearer on how I felt.

You said you'd be happy to discuss this, and I'd like that. I don't want to be just angry, I know it's old wounds and all, and you've probably made some tough decisions.

I know that the whole group plans everything, that you look back on it all, down to a bible of plots. I'm betting you also read, and edit everything by each other to make sure everything fits.

But as I finished this story, I couldn't believe that everyone was looking at this, and going: "Yup. This is it. The best we can do with this story. I'm satisfied with this."

So I do hope you can explain it to me, enlighten me on what I'm missing. I want to understand what was going on. I know it'd be hard without spoilers, but I'm all ears.

---

... And that was my whole rant about that section.

Has my mind changed a bit along the way?

A little bit. I could see why you might feel the scene needed to go with way with so little characters involved. That this was but a setup for a bigger plot further down. That Cody needed to get away blameless so no one could pull out the actual truth of what happened in that mindscape.

Does it still feel unfair?

Heck yes. No question about it. I'm still shaking my head right now.

Do I think it could have been handled better?

I believe so, though I'm not the one in the writing seat.

In the end, it's not a bad story, I'm repeating myself, some fascinating concept, all ruined in one scene that's only a branching part of the storyline. At the same time, I know it's not over, but these are the four chapters of this story. It cuts off at this point. Things should be concluded, yet... In the end... There's a lot of loose ends, and a whole lot of tragedy happens. There's a few good things, but it doesn't balance out. It's fascinating to explore, yet the more I explore, the more I have to try to ignore what's happening to keep going.

Again though, if you want to clear things up, explain yourself, discuss about it, I've got an open ear. I'm willing to discuss.

I hope things get better in the end, because by the end of this, I was clearly upset. That's how this story left me by the end.

Woah. So lengthy! So informative! So good! Eeee!

... How much should people have known about the Bastard at this time?

... Maybe Aung is weak because Fey has integrated most of her power, and all that's left in the spirit is just knowledge?

So many things to talk about... Eagerly waiting to see what the authors say about this!

Edit: Hmm... If Fey lost her spirit, and she is actually some kind of Avatar, is her Hallow free to take in some other spirit?? Or, Avatar-ism is something Sidhe can't do, perhaps?

Mal, Nikki wasn't an avatar, she didn't have a Hallow. Aunghadhail was more like Multple Personality disorder, Picture Glow, if Rachael had actually been the spirit of an ancestor. Something that had been there all along.

For the Bastard, I read about him being involved with the corrupted weres, but as I may have mentioned, I skipped a few stories, and I'm only following the timeline. The Bastard so far though, wasn't mentioned in this story though.

With Fey and the Outcasts away for the Summer he should have stepped up his attacks. Bad planning on the Bastard's part.

Let me tell you a story,a story that has its roots all the way back in 2010. In that year I began plotting For a way to lure Maggie back into writing. Lots of you have heard that story, almost nothing new. Except, for the twist ending. See, Maggie had written herself into a corner with Fey with superman paradox. (That's the reason the man of steels books always change writers so often. It's hard to come up with a threat for someone so powerful.) Now, being picked on in the forum didn't help, but Fey was becoming very hard for her to write.

So instead of some weird nerf out of the blue, we thought about what was the cause of Fey being superman and the elephant in that room was Aung. So we dreamed up a tale where Fey would have this breath taking truama, get brought down to a level Maggie could write again and we would put out this massive, two sided tale my side was Whilst Any Speaks and her side would be Who Fought With Us.

And here's the twist.

Look at the publish dates. See that six month gap between Part Three (2013 - 07 - 06)and Four (2014 - 01 - 07)? That wasn't a full cue or hey Nalley, give somebody else a turn. That was me almost leaving Whateley because Maggie HAD come back and was run off again(!)

THAT is why Kristin and the others are so draconian about insulting authors. They ran off Maggie again and I was stuck with half a story. So I said F*** it, tied things up the best I could and I walked away. That is why there is a one year gap between four and North to Atlantis. Thats why Fey seems so tacked on and forced. What you read was one half of an epic that wont ever get told. Well, the fall out continues in that story line because Elrod taking such an interest in Loophole was what brought me back.

So you all be sure to thank Elrod for me being here and typing this.

So, what faults this story has are mostly mine because of these external issues. So I picked up the pieces the best I could and Elrod filled that Maggie sized hole in me and we're now in year two. But I can't help but wonder how things would be different instead of the E.E. and Elrod twins, it was the Maggie, E. E. Elrod triplets.

I hope that answers your questions and perhaps lets you judge things a bit kinder. I am SO thrilled with all those subtle clues you picked up on and I wondered if anyone did. That's wonderful to see. And as you go through North To Atlantis and the Kodiak Conspiracy and the following they'll answer some more of those questions and you'll see things in greater detail.

As has been pointed out somewhere else (I think it was in J.G.'s story where Eldritch gets her tattoos), Whateley security now has special helmets with Mythos-filtering visors, so they can engage the Voodoo Wolves directly. You might consider the Wild Bunch (the Kimbas + Outcasts + Grunts students who were fighting the Voodoo Wolves) as a sort of stopgap measure while this new equipment was developed.

Unfortunately, one week later, Sam Everheart didn't have one of those newfangled filters handy when she decided to play target shooting on a few Voodoo Wolves...

Polk Kitsune wrote: But as I finished this story, I couldn't believe that everyone was looking at this, and going: "Yup. This is it. The best we can do with this story. I'm satisfied with this."

Part of the discussion was going on when I was mostly away from Whateley; and E. E. has already covered a lot of the situation.

But nobody was going "Yup. This is it. The best we can do with this story. I'm satisfied with this." It was much more "Yup. This is it. We have something we can actually work with and push the universe past this point, so we still even have a Whateley universe going forward. I'm not just satisfied, I'm ecstatic, not so much with this specific story but what it represents and what it does for the creators."

I'm not saying what was going on with Fey and Aung was the only issue back then; but it was very much emblematic of the issues. We've gotten past that, we've gotten more creators involved and I think Whateley is telling better stories and healthier as a project than ever before. But if 2017 is a high point for the WU, that story and the issues around the time of its creation were the low point.

So yeah, your suggested quote back there really isn't too far off- and even in retrospect, I stand by that.

Rose Bunny wrote: With Fey and the Outcasts away for the Summer he should have stepped up his attacks. Bad planning on the Bastard's part.

If I remember correctly several thousand Weres that were driven out of their lands in Western US or Canada finally made it to the Were tribe outside Whateley.

I was close.

Ill Winds wrote: "Over a thousand." Ben told her again and grinned. "And yes, every one of them from elder to cub, has survived fighting The Bastard's minions."

Quite a tale, and yeah, I can see how much of a problem that can be. Sheesh. Having such a massive project and having half the group just jump ship, leaving you to clean up the rest of the job. Erk. That sucks.

Fey having a Superman issue, I can definitively see, no question. What do you do to someone who can just wave her issues away? The scales are broken there. Taking away the queen is a good way to do it.

Doing it this way... May have been a necessary method to continue, but wasn't the best delivery to say the least. As a reader, I can't always know what happens in the background, so I read the material at its face value. The end result isn't exactly pretty or respectful.

I know it will never happen, and it is a crying shame, but I am curious how the whole thing should have gone. How it was planned to happen. Probably would have really elevated things.

But that was not the road taken. Such it is. And I do thank Elrod to keep things rolling. Wouldn't be here without the work done.

Knowing what you know now though, would you change some of these aspects though?... urgh. I'm asking this as if I didn't know hindsight wasn't 20/20.

I am glad you enjoyed parts of the review though. It does always get me giddy to hear people pick up on all the little details put in. I do love to discuss about those too. I'm betting I didn't spot them all though... or I may have spotted them, but never got to write them in the actual review. I'm not perfect.

Things that I would do differently? I'm not sure that I can truthfully Answer that. I knew that Maggie was having trouble getting back into writing for this universe, and I had hoped to fan reaction to the first parts that we decided to go ahead and publish would help her. For a while they did, but we had one "fan" On the forum who as Maggie was coming back and we were starting to talk about teasers for her story as something to the effect of, "Why don't you admit that Fey was a failure and come up with something else?"

Although if memory serves it was not asked anywhere near that politely. Well that was kind of the last straw for Maggie, She sent me an email saying she had had it, and that she had better things to do with her time. Now at the same time this was going on, Maggie was dealing with some serious health issues, and some trouble with her marriage.

If she was frustrated, I was incensed. I had just spent the better part of 2 years coaxing her back, writing 50 or 60,000 words for a payoff that was now not coming. Perhaps if I had not been so angry things would've come out a little differently, but I cannot go back and say I would say that XYZ differently because Of the emotional state in which I wrote the last chapter.

That said, I suppose I must say that I stand by Whilst Any Speaks; It told the tale I intended to tell. Perhaps not as clearly as I would've liked, perhaps not as fully nuanced as I would've liked, but at the end of the day it did what it was supposed to do. And for the time that it was worked upon, I suppose I must admit that that was in fact the best I could do.

There are a number of dangling plot threads that we picked up in the later stories, and answers to some if not all the questions you raise in your review and I'll look forward to see what you think of those stories obviously not perhaps in the amount of detail you have here, but you take a very nuanced approach which I enjoyed deeply. If you have further questions I've always happy to talk about things the way this conversation has gone. And I very much appreciate your thoughtful, and respectful tone.

Regarding this concern:

The Kodiak does mention that this is not Hekate though, but only a spell fragment. If I had to take a guess, it's probably part of the recognition system they have. The same reason why everything looks medieval, rather than squishy neurones and thought patterns.

though how that spell fragment is more powerful than Hekate or the Necromancer puzzles me. If it is more powerful, then how did it not get detected by everyone else? I thought all that Hekate had done was the Fool's circle, and that was undone when she couldn't refresh it.

It's not Hekate. However, the characters in play are currently in the shared mindscape of Cavalier and Skybolt. Relative power levels outside that mindscape don't mean much inside, except to the extent that Cav and Sky believe in them, and it is their mental image of Hekate that matters there, full stop. The Necromancer? He's just another Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Picture. I think we've seen in later stories that mindscape intruders usually have little more power than that granted them by the target mind unless they are there to break that mind.

Incidentally, that little slice of Hekate's will had remained magically connected to a living and relatively powerful little witch. So is Aunghadhail, except for the fact that she really is long dead and it's only an echo of her running around with Nikki's essence (Who knows - maybe her comments to Elaine were a mind game to sow doubt and insecurity in a potential rival's mind? The original wouldn't think twice about doing something like that.) Anyway, this spell has been squatting in the minds of two psychics for over a year. Take note that these two formerly-powerful people are now stuck in a shared and failing mind. How's that for taking out insurance against your minions breaking free? Furthermore, if Hekate were half as competent as she's been shown, that remaining spell would have been designed to feed off its targets. (It makes no sense to spend essence maintaining a spell when you can tap someone else for the juice.) Hence, that shard of Hekate probably was the biggest and baddest player on the block that day those kids went in without much of a plan beyond "Get'em!"

Maybe these things, if accurate at all, could have been fleshed out better? That I don't know. Clearly, it could have been darker, but that's not always better.

null0trooper wrote: Regarding this concern:

The Kodiak does mention that this is not Hekate though, but only a spell fragment. If I had to take a guess, it's probably part of the recognition system they have. The same reason why everything looks medieval, rather than squishy neurones and thought patterns.

though how that spell fragment is more powerful than Hekate or the Necromancer puzzles me. If it is more powerful, then how did it not get detected by everyone else? I thought all that Hekate had done was the Fool's circle, and that was undone when she couldn't refresh it.

It's not Hekate. However, the characters in play are currently in the shared mindscape of Cavalier and Skybolt. Relative power levels outside that mindscape don't mean much inside, except to the extent that Cav and Sky believe in them, and it is their mental image of Hekate that matters there, full stop. The Necromancer? He's just another Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Picture. I think we've seen in later stories that mindscape intruders usually have little more power than that granted them by the target mind unless they are there to break that mind.

Oh right! ... Yeah, they really should have gotten an Esper to help. No, wait, they had Chris Summers... We have no idea what he was doing while our POV Characters were fighting the magic fight...

Him just monitoring their condition and stuff would explain why he thought Kodiak was a great mental mage or something, 'cause great things got achieved, and it looks complex and mentalish to him, instead of what's basically just a BattleInTheCenterOfTheMind

Actually... why are they there at that time and without further prep? ... Well, it's spur of the moment, and they didn't think there'd be such harsh resistance and stuff... They just wanted to take a look around and stuff, presumably...

So, why the medieval look of the battlefield? Well, more participants are involved that know that type of thing... And Elaine counts too, when you learn more about her spiritual nature... Bows might be the most technologically advanced thing available. At least it's long-range like a gun...

Now, I suppose that IS a point I can clarify. What WERE the kids doing? Well, Wyatt got the brain flash that if the Kodiak could "walk Elaine through" something has horrible as a rape and "make it her own" and recover, then surely he could do the same with Cavalier and Skybolt!

And, of course, The Kodiak would have been only too happy to do so!

He brought Fey as a giant battery basically, because that was his understanding of what was needed. Because that is what The Kodiak told him. But The Kodiak knew Fey was bonded with Aunghadhail and we learn about the history of those two later on.

Why was Loophole there?

Because as far as Wyatt knew, Elaine was the Kodiak's success story, his way to show and get permission from Cav and Sky to let The Kodiak in. But Wyatt finds them catatonic and so can't ask, and being Wyatt he just DOES. He might need soldiers, he knows Elaine is good in a fight, there might be mental defenses to over come and thus they all enter Cav and Sky's mind.

Now why does Mr Summers praise Wyatt? Look at what he saw from his POV. Wyatt brings these people in, confident of a plan he doesn't really explain beyond he has a way to reach Cav and Sky and help them deal with the trauma. Wyatt and the others also go catatonic for some time, then everyone wakes up and suddenly Cav and Sky are acting normal! It must have worked, right? Mr. Summers doesn't know what happened in the mind scape, only the aftermath.

And this is also why Wyatt is so hesitant to accept the congratulations because it has finally dawned on him he has been played and Cav and Sky aren't better because of him, but in spite of him.

I'm going to address two of these reviews. First: Whilst Any Speaks. Yeah sometimes it sucks when you have a character (either a hero or villein that is too strong) upon whom you must drop a bridge. If they see the bridge coming they would dodge. Why didn't Aung see the 'bridge'? In part because her creator didn't want her to see it. Again that sucks. I like the rest of your review and think that you point out some very valid points of the story.

The other review I want to look at is Whisper. This is one of my favorite stories in this series. I was surprised that it came over basically unaltered from the FF side of things. I had some deep difficulties with it. Not the ones you necessarily pointed out. But as I told the author, I'm not competent to proof something that is written in first person present which this is an attempt at. So I won't criticize it too much. Though what did boot me out of it was the fact that the author couldn't maintain that perspective. I think that is because it is not something we often do. That is tell a story as it is happening. I've made one attempt at it and feel I failed miserably. So to the author of Whisper, you did good. I wish I could have helped make the story better.

And I'll add again, to all the authors past and present who have made this such an engaging series, Thank you, Thank you and Thank you. I don't think that many readers appreciate how much effort goes into writing a truly good story. Not even me because I'm such a slap-dash writer.

E.E.Nalley
I can imagine how it must have gone for Maggie, and how things might have gone downhill from there. Especially bad if the person poking at her was trolling or just hating. It's not easy on the morale, and the worst ones have a tendency of getting under yoru skin. Add in others factors, and you have a situation to bring someone real down. What's worse is when you have to count on that person to support you, and suddenly it's gone.

Again though, I'm glad to hear you enjoyed the review. I just try not to skin on the details, find the right balance, and dig out the 'why' of the situation. Maybe how to improve it, or explain it.

And I like to think I've done enough customer service at this point to know picking a tantrum, and screaming doesn't help get your point across either (even if I screamed BS a few times in this review). It's one thing to be expressive, but there's a limit.

I am curious on what you came up afterwards though. Might be a while, but I'll get there. The story's not finished, after all.

null0trooper

Interesting points, but this is out first trip into the mindscape, so to claim that this bit of magic is stronger than what could be met outside doesn't really give any weight on that scale. This is still something without a name out of nowhere taking down one of the bigger names in this universe.

And if you claim that it may have been more resilient because it had a year to 'incubate', compared to the fae queen, the queen had been inside Nikki for almost just as long, and she was an ancient spirit with a lot of knowledge, compared to a 'newborn spell'. If that spell really was that powerful, why is it that no one noticed it at ARC, of all places? They had multiple days to investigate the issue, surely they tested for magical effects (Again, it would give me a feel that someone in ARC themselves would have implanted that spell. They would know the system, they would know how to falsify a report. We already know from Merry that it's possible).

But even if we take the logistics out of it, it doesn't take out the fact that in the end, it feels incredibly cheap in the grand scheme of things. That part, I'm afraid, is still a sticking point.

Malady

True. As for someone who should have been monitoring the situation, Chris was pretty ineffective. Someone more trained in spiritual arts might have had a better hand there.

As for a medieval setting, there's also the fact that the fae queen helped a lot in shaping this world, and it could have slipped in elements that were familiar with it. I'm also seeing the Kodiak setting not only a familiar stage, but taking Elaine into a setting to mold her more into the woman it wants. Take her away from a more Tron-like world of technology, and show her the savage being it wants her to be.

As for the bow, that one I can believe. In those times, bow and arrows were a major technological and tactical advantage on the battlefield. They had range, they could take down troops on foot from yards away before they even got close, and even the closest technology to counter them, shields, was only marginally effective against a coordinated team of archers. Considering the line Elaine made to cross the boat, she also had variety with those arrows, different tools. It also means that the bow she would have had wasn't just a regular bow, but likely a composite one, which is quite advanced for those times, and fitting with her new exemplar strength. Though it's not as advanced as a crossbow.

What I struggle to explain though, is why does Wicked also use a bow? I don't remember Loophole using one beforehand, and I can't see it coming from the spirit journey here, she had no time to prepare. It was brought along as 'combat gear' Loophole would have had already prepped up. And I see her avoiding the bow, for a more modern gun. We already know she has one, from the airport attack. Why the switch?

E.E. Nalley

Makes sense. Fey, I had a good idea on, and if there's history behind it, then there's even more reason, I'm more puzzles with why Fey would accept without somekind of more personal backup with her.

But Loophole was a big point in my argument as for who should be brought around this. That does clear that up, shame we didn't get that cleared up in the story.

As for the praise, very true. The Empath may not have known what was happening. But yes, if you look into the end result, you do see Cavalier and Skybolt are out of their stupors... But if you look at the collateral damage... Loophole did leave out in tears before Cody came to, and... Well, the compliment came before Fey was crying out on hysterics, so I suppose it doesn't really count.

Still, from the reader perspective, you can see how this feels undeserved... though the fact that even Cody himself doesn't feel like he deserves it does put some extra perspective.

Anne

I do get it's a shame that Aung had to die, but the issue isn't the fact that she didn't see the bridge coming down, but the fact that the method picked by the writers was the bridge being dropped on her. It shows a lack of respect and the legacy to the character, and for those who appreciated the character, it feels incredibly unfair to see them go down this way. There are better methods to do it.

In this case though, I get that Nalley had a lot of issues and responsibilities on his arms he didn't sign up for. That does make complications, but from a reader's perspective, we don't get what happens in the background, we're not supposed to. We do have to take it at face value. This does make it quite harsh.

As for Whisper, I am curious what issues you had with it, and if it does match what I had, or even if I missed something. Wasn't my favorite, but that can be part where taste is concerned.

But as someone who wrote a story first-person, it can be hard to keep in that fashion, because you can't pan then point of view from other directions. Sticking to first person, you can't foreshadow the villains, or see their mentality, not unless you have the protagonist shadow or spy on the villains. It does limit your perspective. First person though, does give a lot more personal of an emotion, so it is a powerful tool.

If you have to break the POV though, do it sparingly.

And thank you for appreciating the reviews. It makes it all worth it to type it all in.

Polk Kitsune wrote:
null0trooper

Interesting points, but this is out first trip into the mindscape, so to claim that this bit of magic is stronger than what could be met outside doesn't really give any weight on that scale. This is still something without a name out of nowhere taking down one of the bigger names in this universe.

Yeah, most of this explanation was to come from Maggie as she was also sort of the custodian of how magic worked in the Uni. I wasn't using any characters with magic, so that was something I honestly had ignored in the world building. I was a SCIENCE(!) type. I've since brushed up, mostly from necessity, but the readers digest version is that Mythos magic is extremely powerful, dark and nearly impossible to detect.

Polk Kitsune wrote: As for a medieval setting, there's also the fact that the fae queen helped a lot in shaping this world, and it could have slipped in elements that were familiar with it. I'm also seeing the Kodiak setting not only a familiar stage, but taking Elaine into a setting to mold her more into the woman it wants. Take her away from a more Tron-like world of technology, and show her the savage being it wants her to be.

That is an excellent insight. And all I will comment other than to keep reading...

Polk Kitsune wrote: What I struggle to explain though, is why does Wicked also use a bow?

Why the switch?

That, as they say, is a good question. One that is NOT ignored in the coming stories as you will see. As you get further insight into both Elaine and Wicked and who they are and how they were created. That thread goes all the way into stories being published THIS year...

Polk Kitsune wrote: E.E. Nalley

Makes sense. Fey, I had a good idea on, and if there's history behind it, then there's even more reason, I'm more puzzles with why Fey would accept without somekind of more personal backup with her.

Read North to Atlantis, that is where this starts being explained.

Polk Kitsune wrote: As for the bow, that one I can believe. In those times, bow and arrows were a major technological and tactical advantage on the battlefield. They had range, they could take down troops on foot from yards away before they even got close, and even the closest technology to counter them, shields, was only marginally effective against a coordinated team of archers. Considering the line Elaine made to cross the boat, she also had variety with those arrows, different tools. It also means that the bow she would have had wasn't just a regular bow, but likely a composite one, which is quite advanced for those times, and fitting with her new exemplar strength. Though it's not as advanced as a crossbow.

I'm no expert in archery, but I noticed a few problems above. The first one is that composite bows (not to be mistaken for compound bows , which are a 20th-century invention) were old hat by the Middle Ages, having been invented at least two thousand years before that.
The second one is the assumption that crossbows are "more advanced" than regular bows. Crossbows require less skill to shoot, and may fire heavier bolts than a regular bow, but the regular bow does have its points -- witness the strategic advantage the longbow archery gave the English over the French in the Hundred Years War. Crossbows were well-known by then, but they didn't make the regular bow obsolete.

I would just like to comment on how hard I'm sure any of the Cabal had when the world went to S**T. Sorry if I sound crass there, but the truth was as Kristen said. Whateley was on life support in many many ways.

I'm going to try an stay on topic here, and hopefully not have my ADD have me wondering off to far. But the way I had seen it and after re-reading many of the Mythos lore, what had happened was what has happened in many situations. Some of the characters had started to run amok. By this I mean that they were becoming harder to control in many respects. Superman, Batman, X-Men to name a few are examples.

To me, they are legion. Their story's were meant to entertain but over the years, writers had to create more spectacular situations to keep people buying the comics for after awhile certain stories were just rehashed. So what happened? They became more powerful. Superman could fly into space without the need of air. Could travel faster than light, could move mountains, then moons and so forth.

Batman in a way became invulnerable. How? Look at how he could slam into buildings and not get hurt. Or be hurled from tall buildings and so forth. He was originally a detective and he became much more.

X-Men had Phonix of immense power. But I'm sure you see where I'm coming from.

Then we have Whateley. Are they based off of comic characters. Some. Some are based on novels, tv shows and so forth. A conglomeration of peoples fantasies. Nothing wrong there.

Many were thought out structurally with their abilities, I'm sure, whereas others were ad-hoc as they went. Oh, never nefariously, but out of necessity. And in some respects that lead to problems. How do you tame a god? Seriously.

How many stories have you read where the antagonist wants to destroy the Universe? Thanos anyone? The Infinity Gauntlet. He worships death. And seriously, Death is someone nobody can defeat. But now I digress.

Now here at Whateley there came a situation that nearly ended this endeavor of love. People are people with their own set of beliefs and together they formed a unique place that brought science, magic together in a unique way. The problem was some of the characters and the challenge of keeping them grounded in a sense.

And that's what I feel happened with several of the characters. They grew to much for their britches as they say in that the more that was thrown at them, the more it took to bring them back down.

Superman may of had Kryptonite but that didn't take away his powers. It took the death of him to bring him down and even that failed in many respects.

And with the act of a reader or perhaps more against the authors, they achieved what they wanted. They wanted to do here what many want to do to the internet. They wanted to bring it down. Watch it crumble. Why? For their own sick pleasure I'm sure. Maybe they didn't like what was here, but couldn't let it go and leave. Maybe they just wanted to be a dick and show that they could torture someone with their play of words themselves. But in any case the damage was done.

And in their thrill they took others away that had breathed life here.

And as the site limped along, along came a few authors who didn't want to see it die. They created new characters and slowly this place was given new life as it was taken off of life support. But it left a problem. A very big problem, for this place was devoted to the main characters and who knows what had been planned and that had to be resolved.

Now many didn't like where writers pushed aside their favorite characters. This is understandable, but like many writers of Superman and the like, there were rules in place from higher ups. But unlike those, the characters here were not 'owned' and in some cases very unfamiliar. People that wrote on a scientific manner tended not to write for mystic and vice versus. There is a 'heavy' learning curve on each side for some as it goes against what they like. Very rarely does one find an author who is capable of writing for two such diverse gentry's.

Now I'm going to come to the present and E.E. as well as Kristen and Warren.

All have devoted a lot of time and energy in keeping this site alive. I'll say more Kristen and Warren on the physical side as well as pushing out a few stories to keep others interested. Of course I may be wrong in this manner, but I'm what many will say a relatively newcomer here. Oh I new of the place and tried my darnedest in trying to keep up with the old site for who knows how many years. It wasn't anyone here that is active that pointed me here. It came from a different source over ten or more years ago.

The problem was I was finding it hard to read some of the stories. Still do, due to no fault of the writers. I really can't do gooey.

But again I digress. The character problem. For who knows how many years, the Cabal had drawn out, refined and created a world with a vision. A place that would take years to bring about a single line of a story, for they had planned (as far as I know) its outcome.

But as I said some of the characters became to powerful and if any of you have read comics on how they like to resolve conflicts, its generally not pretty. By this I mean, many writers just pull a mcguffin in that they just threw something that triggered a resolution.

Now I'm not saying E.E. had planned this. In fact he even explained how he had crafted a resolution to a very serious problem. Unfortunately the one that could provide the other half on the needed resolution had left thanks to the acts of some sic person.

Now I'm not saying the answer was the best. I even read the story for I cared and still do care on certain characters. I don't try to delve deeply into characters as I'm generally 99% wrong in most cases and that 1% is generally off base anyway. So I let myself be surprised, entertained and hopefully pleased on what happens.

Did I fully understand what was happening? No. But I did know that these writers from E.E. to Elrod, Kristen and so forth had to do something with the old characters they had no control over. They didn't want to put them on a plane, train, bus or hitchhiking all over the world never to be seen again, but they didn't know fully how to resolve the problem, but the did in reality and it wasn't going to please those that fell in love with them.

And in some cases, still hasn't given how some people refuse to give up and bring the subject back concerning them, over an over much to the Cabal's displeasure.

E.E. gave his best shot with what he had. We had resolution with Sara, which many don't like. And we had where others were unfortunately placed on a bus hoping one day that their creators will find it in their heart to come back. I know many have.

The answers that we got as with an entertaining story will never please everyone, Hell I'm sure it didn't even please the ones who wrote it, but like they say. Life is a harsh mistress when pissed off.

Now what is my overall point?

Hopefully we the readers will be forgiving on some aspects of what these writers goes through when crafting a story of this magnitude. A lot of work is constant. There can be no real breaks. Sure things slip through as diligent readers point out what they feel is slights on favorite characters or continuity.

Overall I'm happy in how E.E. took to resolving what had been a sticky problem. He could have just killed them all of, but chose not to for his own reasons.

Will I get that involved in looking deep into a stories plot line? Doubtful. I don't have the wits to do so, so I let myself be entertained with the stories.

I can get into magic, but not at the level that many go into. But then I could just create my own version of magic like many others have as with science fiction.

But overall, I have to say that I'm just glad that we still have Whateley to bicker about else we wouldn't be having this conversation at all.

Sir Lee wrote: I'm no expert in archery, but I noticed a few problems above. The first one is that composite bows (not to be mistaken for compound bows , which are a 20th-century invention) were old hat by the Middle Ages, having been invented at least two thousand years before that.
The second one is the assumption that crossbows are "more advanced" than regular bows. Crossbows require less skill to shoot, and may fire heavier bolts than a regular bow, but the regular bow does have its points -- witness the strategic advantage the longbow archery gave the English over the French in the Hundred Years War. Crossbows were well-known by then, but they didn't make the regular bow obsolete.

True in many ways, and I will admit that I am no archery expert myself.

But a Composite bow is still leagues advanced over just a regular bow. From construction, to the ability to wield it. And I consider the composite for it's better piercing strength, considering it was able to shoot an arrow at a distance right into a solid piece of lumber.

As for them being ancient in the middle ages, this is a mental space with fantasy elements. Timeline can be thrown out the window, since orcs don't really appear in history.

For calling the crossbow more advanced, then I may have to clarify. I did not mean that the regular bow was outmatched by it's later descendant. Both have strengths and weaknesses. You may mention historical situation, but even the mechanics make a difference. A bow is a lot more maneuverable, and you can reload a lot faster, compared to some crossbows that had a whole extra mechanism involved to reload a second shot. In fact, some crossbowmen worked in teams of two. One to shoot, another to reload the thing. Unless you had a repeater crossbow, in that case you have a whole other slew of issues and uses. But the crossbow does have strengths in ease of use, and power behind those bolts. And to train a proper bowman does require a long time of training to pull off.

What I did imply, is that the crossbow was more advanced mechanically. In no way did I mean to belittle the bow.

Actually, Orcs might be actually be a thing, like the Trow, Sidhe, etc... In the 5-Fold court era...

Presuming every actor in that mental space is an entity of some kind, there might be tons of spirits or whatever in that space to maintain things? And some of those were the Orcs?

How many Orcs were there? ... ... The scents and stuff of their dead bodies might have been the mind interpreting decaying spell structures or something...

Sir Lee wrote:

Polk Kitsune wrote: As for the bow, that one I can believe. In those times, bow and arrows were a major technological and tactical advantage on the battlefield. They had range, they could take down troops on foot from yards away before they even got close, and even the closest technology to counter them, shields, was only marginally effective against a coordinated team of archers. Considering the line Elaine made to cross the boat, she also had variety with those arrows, different tools. It also means that the bow she would have had wasn't just a regular bow, but likely a composite one, which is quite advanced for those times, and fitting with her new exemplar strength. Though it's not as advanced as a crossbow.

I'm no expert in archery, but I noticed a few problems above. The first one is that composite bows (not to be mistaken for compound bows , which are a 20th-century invention) were old hat by the Middle Ages, having been invented at least two thousand years before that.
The second one is the assumption that crossbows are "more advanced" than regular bows. Crossbows require less skill to shoot, and may fire heavier bolts than a regular bow, but the regular bow does have its points -- witness the strategic advantage the longbow archery gave the English over the French in the Hundred Years War. Crossbows were well-known by then, but they didn't make the regular bow obsolete.

One big advantage a composite or long bow has over a cross bow is that generally it takes longer to get each shot off. This is because it requires cranking the string (or wire) back to its cocked position then placing the bolt and even possibly lightly securing it so that it doesn't come out of position if you have to move quickly, before you can fire a shot, and each shot takes this sort of time. While a bowman, even with a short bow can get off several shots (or at least more than one) during the same time. Sure a bow takes practice. But as the French discovered while fighting the English, those who practice with them are deadly. A massed attack by bowmen was at least as effective as modern short range artillery.

All right. I'm writing this with barely a plan in mind, since I'm riding on a pretty good high of emotions, and it's partly because of that high that I find myself writing this in the first place. So not a full review, but I'm still exploring a good chunk here.

These three stories wound me up, and wound me up real good. They had tension and worry that had me so high strung, I had to keep on reading, and when things finally hit a turnabout, and things turned out for the best, it was such a high relief. So of course, I have to at least draw out what I've thought, and the high sticking points.

And these stories would be:

-The Riddle of Sappho I - VI
-Hank 3 - 4 (They may be separated, but they're technically linked)
-An Imp-Perfect World 1-4

I could try to give a full bullet-point on all of these, but it might eat up all my time, I'm afraid. But I can't just stay silent, and at least I do wana give out my thoughts here.

-The Riddle of Sappho I - VI

I'll admit, I'm a sucker for murder-mystery, even if it is the kind that's done from the side of the defense, a-la-Phoenix Wright. This one does show a whole different kind of threat, the one from the law, and an investigation when someone vulnerable would be framed. It's not magic, it's not brute force, or extremely complicated, overpowered powers, yet still a threat in the grand scheme of things, and to put this on a girl that's already been through the wringer as is?

Honestly, I felt terrible watching Kayda being treated as a criminal. Cuffed, her powers sealed, suspected by everyone, and the weight of the world over her shoulders, while everyone who tried to help and support her in the past look at this in almost just as much despair, as the very laws they serve lock them into staying neutral and off the case. It's almost like torture to watch.

What makes it even more torture, is that the reader knows she's being framed. We've seen all the steps and how it was plotted. We know the clues are out there, and you want to scream them at the investigators, hoping they'll finally catch on.

The plot itself does also give some credit on how long it took to plan the whole thing. The seeds for this one was planted long time in advance, including how the ID card tagging system works, to track students. Back then, it was a minor details, not relating to anything, but it came back later in this case and the central argument as to why Kayda was a suspect.

... Which brings me to a nitpick there too. Okay, partway into the story, I wanted to tell the investigator: "Okay, then why don't you find some camera footage showing where Kayda was when she didn't have the card in her possession, and the card system registering her somewhere else? Show that the data is unreliable in showing her having said card... Which I was relieved to see that being used later on in the court proceeding. Does show some smarts.

... But a small off point there, and I know I'm nitpicking here, but... Slight contradiction here, Previous to that, Kayda has been shown to use her ghost-walking spell to disappear and run away, multiple times. It's why she's been put at risk of running away. If that's the case, why hasn't this tracking service been used to track her down before?

And if you were to say that the Ghost-walking spell would have also hidden the signal from the cards, you have to remember that the assassin was also using said ghost-walking spell, and he got registered on that system.

Rubs me a little on the wrong way there.

But none the less, when you start seeing the evidence trickle in, when you see things turn around right for Kayda at the end, you end up cheering for her, and definitively happy to see those two agents get trounced by the defense. Even after all the manipulation and mental torture they delivered to Kayda (She was really damaged after all), and you saw every members of the faculty try their hardest to fight them at every turns, and when she's finally freed from all charges, it is simply sublime. IT felt so good.

Now, with the praise out of the way...

The biggest problem I have here is the same one I have with most Kayda stories, and it frustrated me over and over, and it's still happening here. Her emotional state and reactions are all over the place. How many times has she felt like she had to leave this place? How many times has she realized that she had friends? That the teachers support her? That she's not going to lose Debra? We've gone through these lessons over and over, and it seems she's forgotten it again and again, and we're just back to step 1 with her.

And sometimes, it's simply strange.

When they discovered the video that could have proved her innocence so much earlier, and yet she begged them not to show it? I wanted to simply scream at her: "If they don't prove your innocence, you're as good as DEAD! Doesn't matter how embarrassed you'd be in you're DEAD!"

As for Kayda saying that she was going to lose Debra again, for cheating on her, she knew they had a compulsion, that they had no control over themselves. And she's talked about this before, she knows you'd be tempted, and she knows she loves you! How many times are we going down this same road now?

Cody feels betrayed at the sight of the video? He's about to throw a fit?

How much of a hypocrite is he? Because not too long ago, I remember him, Loophole, Debra and Kayda at a table joking about that very matter. That they had an understanding. In fact, how long ago was it that he was dreaming of a threesome with Loophole and Maria?

So I'm going to take it when Debra sees her again, we're going to have the same scene, Debra will tell her it's okay, and we move on... Right?

<Debra> "I'm afraid I'm going to lose her to Lanie!"

...

D-d-d-did we just got backwards here? Did Debra just un-learn everything she's been telling to Kayda? The same discussion that Cody was there for, she was there! In fact, if she was worried about losing Kayda, why has she been pushing Rosa all this time, teasing and pointing the two of them together at this point? It makes no sense on what we've known so far.

And then there's the elephants in the room.

Heyoka and Sara being taken out. One killed, the other one sealed away. And this is after Fey's spirit was also killed. I can see why some people might think that the old character we love and care for are being killed one after another, like victims, or red shirts.

But I'm thinking you've already gotten already a lot of burn on this topic. In fact, I'd say the story of 'To Sleep, Perchance to Dream' may have been a reflection of the reader feedback. That Hank is traumatized by Jamie's death, and that everyone else cares sooooooo much about Kayda, while Jamie was just dead, and it felt like no one cared. I'm betting a lot of readers felt that very same way. Seeing that done does show: Yes, you're aware of how the readers feel, and we understand.

Now, Sara, I also understand that she was also given a way, a method to be found, and unsealed, but knowing what I did... I still felt uneasy and sad about losing her, and hoped, hoped she would get found and freed. It was teased so, soooo hard, even when I knew what would happen.

Still, even with those, it was still the best Kayda story I'd read up to date. The drama and tension was real, and the resolution was satisfying. The ending dragged on a mite long, with the parents visiting yet again, but it didn't take away from the enjoyment.

Hank 3-4

I'm tempted to add in the Penance Factor in this one, because is is a major part of what's going on in Hank 4 came back there, but the real centre piece was with Hank.

Hank 3 was a loooooooong, depressive drag through Hank's depression. We knew his mind was being affected, we knew there was a spell, or a creature on his mind, we saw it get worse and worse as he fell into depression and loneliness, until he finally fell into the waters. I wished hard for him to wake up, and for someone to notice things, but it just kept getting worse and worse. It just tore me me apart to see him tormented that way, and when he finally lost contact with Lily, alone with his tormenting mother and brother, and the father just gone... I just wished to give Hank a tight, tight hug.

So when Hank 4 came in, and they finally noticed something was wrong, I was cheering for everyone to come to his rescue, to go save him, to find out what's going on, and tear into his parents after the treatment they'd just put him through, and finally for them to talk it out, and be happy, it was mighty satisfying. I was cheering for them to save him.

But then there's also the part of Nikki finally realizing what she'd done, and what she really wanted, and moving on for the people with her, and finally apologizing, trying to get out of her funk after her spirit's death and moving on. Now that's some deep character development, and proper closing for Penance Factor.

I was happy with seeing Team Kimba again, rejoined, and having a good time. It felt like it'd been so long since they were happy together again. So yes, very well written there.


An Imp-Perfect World 1-4

This is the one I just finished reading, and I'll admit, it was a roller coaster of a ride. The tension kept going up and down, and there was a timer before tragedy would happen. There were twists, turns, and just when you think the tension will be gone, it picks right up.

If I'm a sucker for Murder Mystery, I'm also a sucker for Mind control.

And when someone takes a young girl, Imp's fan out of all people, and tries to brainwash them, I was in horror. If it would have been completed, she'd have been brainwashed, and controlled by a delusional maniac who thought he was a hero? It would have been worse than being death. Kinda like becoming a zombie, or a vampire thrall. I felt attached to the silly little teen. Watching her fall into the hands of that 'hero' just sickened me, and I wanted her away from him, now. It kept me on edge.

That edge kept going back and forth, Melisa got rescued, then taken again, and this guy kept preying on her, and even when her father, a 'fellow hero' tried to get her back, he keeps denying that? I wanted that man to just pay for what he'd done.

Go figure, a villain with good morals taking down a twisted hero. And to do that, Imp had to team up with her nemesis for years.

It's a wonderful scenario, and a race to find the girl, while these two protagonists show their real colors to each other, and that the world is rather greyer than they thought. He softens to her after he learns how she really is 'behind the mask', and that even his foolish ass could do good, and be smart when it counted.

I loved this story from start to finish.

And to have her retire by the end of this, and being recruited as a teacher? It was a perfect way to end this story, I feel. Wonderful that we get to see her again, and recruited as a teacher.

I do find it a bit awkward that she randomly figured that Chickenhawk was her father, since it felt like random chance, but I'll take it for the story nonetheless. I do wish we'd also learned a bit more about our hero's past, and the finale with our 'villain' seems to be rather quick, I do wish it was a bit longer, but these are minor nitpick.

I was extremely glad to have read this one. I can't recommend it enough.


And this should be it for now. hopefully, more reviews to come in the future, when I get the time. X3

A Glow in the Darkness by Morpheus

I'll admit, this was an interesting story to follow. It was different from other introductory stories in various ways, and the mental profiles and background of the characters was deep and complex. Nothing is ever quite as simple as it seems, yet you can still follow the story pretty well, and relate to these characters' struggles. There are a few things that keep it from fully shining, but the positives definitively outweigh the negatives.

One of the bigger parts where I can give praise, is the mental baggage the characters carry. James and Glow especially, considering the trauma the both of them have gone through. Being kidnapped by one of their mother's nemesis, tortured, and blocking it out as a defense mechanism is complex on it's own, and both of them do deserve their share of sympathy for it. Following that is the discovery that although he felt himself as a normal boy, James finds out that he's seriously mentally damaged, and you have another shock in his system just piling on top of it all. It's a whole lot of pain and pressure to put on a kid I wouldn't wish on anyone.

But it's not just James' mental situation to take into account. His sister, his father and his friend also have various reactiosn to how the situation develops, and you get to explore that. I'll admit, I was gripped in concern to how James' mother blamed herself for bringing harm to her familly that way. That she'd gone behind their back, doing superhero work for the thrill of it, and she thinks it's all her fault. I'd argue with her that she's taking a lot of blame there for Sinsear's actions, since he was the one who burned down the building, and he's blaming her for his mistake, and that if it wouldn't have been here taking the blame, it would have been another innocent familly instead... But I also understand she probably still feels responsible in the end. Heck, I don't doubt I wouldn't be the only one making that argument.

Still, it does give heavy emotional baggage, support and sympathy for these characters, along with expanding and explaining on the way they act.

Rachael herself, as a whole is a good kid. Damaged, yes, not perfect, sure, but still a good kid all in all. I'd say that the memory rush might have been a bit... Rushed, and maybe a little too easy in some aspect, I expected something more drawn out, but events like that shouldn't exactly be clean either.

When push came to shove, even with the fear that was looming over his shoulders, when his father and friend were about to be harmed, James stepped up, and decided to face his fears. Even in the middle of the battlefield, Rachael still froze when that past trauma came up. It wasn't just brushed away. Even then, they still got back into it to protect those she cared about. A long way from James, who wouldn't defend himself previously... Though considering the merger with Glow, in retrospect, maybe makes more sense. Still, you have to look up for Rachael.

An interesting little note at the start of the story, is that we get introduced not to James, but with Glow, straight up giving us a mutant showing off her powers, how they works, and what kind of capabilities she has. For an intro to a character, it's a bit unnusual, which made me doubletake for a moment, wondering if I'd skipped a story. We're also given her motivation to protect James, and by the time the scene ends, we're left with a little mystery. The scene after that, we get to James, Mel and Dinah, and I was left wondering: "Okay, which one of these three is secretly Glow?" And with no direct clues to which one was which, I kept guessing that either one would be possible. Small note, and solved early, but still a nifty mystery.

The action scenes are well described too. Easy to follow, motions were mostly clear, and things kept moving, with enough description to mostly follow what's happening. Even when fighitng baselines, though a lot more action was present when the supervillains come in the picture.

The attack on the house was pretty brutal. It was fast, pretty overwhelming, and you feel really helples as they prety much leave with their prizes. Even Glow was pretty much garginally effective in the grand scheme of things.

... I will also admit I was surprised when in the aftermath, the Bronze Lady had captured Glow instead of the supervillain Glow had taken down. Maybe if I'd paid more attention to who had taken her out, instead of assuming she'd been captured by Sinsear's team, I mgiht have figured it out. Nice little twist though. And I can see why Glow would have kept her trap shut in the grand scheme of things.

Part of the negative I might have to say is that the naration has a tendency of overexplaining on how the characters feel. A case of show vs tell. I can understand how James felt when explained, but I fel like I could have felt it more at times had the narative been slightly different. And other times, I felt like the same explanations was given over and over. I might need to re-read, and look into getting examples... Either to prove my point, or disreguard it. It could also be more of a personal preference though, and it's not bad enough to knock praise off.

What I will admit thoguh, is that ultimately, Sinsear was a letdown in the final battle. With so much buildup and fear placed into what this psychological monster full of malice could be, in the final fight, he just ended up being: "BURN, BURN, BURN FOR YOUR SINS!" before being taken down. I expected a better final showdown after being shown his mentality, his twisted thought process, and the fear he instilled in James and Ginormous. I expected him to be clever somehow, to have a plan, maybe capture the heroes, thinking himself superior, show his monstrocity at his height, until something flipped, a little details missed and the tables were turned. That wasn't the case, I'm afraid, and it made his fall rather anti-climatic. I found better villains in the clever Ringmaster, the crazy and zany Bombastic and the silent Ironworks (love the twist at the end, wonder if I'll see more of Lodestone. Expecially with such exposition at the end about her).

Little sad that it looks like Rachael doesn't seem to be heading to Whateley, but the logic behind it is sound.

Still a pretty good story, and I did get to enjoy it.

Sooooooo for a while, I've avoided writing negatively on some stories by giving my thoughts to E.E. Nalley. I've gotten a lot of ranting done on the side, trying not to be too vocally upset, but this one, I can't just get over it, and I have to throw it out there.

What's got me so upset?

What's Up Pussycat?
Part 1 and 2 (in case if there's a part 3 that might change things)

The story, in a fashion is pretty straightforward. It's Daddy Franks' introduction to Whateley, and a few weeks in his life there. It introduces his process, his struggles with his powers and bullies, along with the new life in Poe and the attention he gets. Thanks to his spirit and his Hallow being so mismatched, he has troubles keeping a fully human form, and often turns into a kitty-boy form that is adored by a lot of the girls, much to his chagrin. Even more so when he has to spend a lot of time as a kitty-girl too, otherwise, he might face even worse consequences. So when girls from Poe and Wondercute take a real interest in keeping him, and when a bully gang harasses him, he's caught between a rock and a hard place.

Not a bad concept, and there's a lot of play along with it. It's entertaining at times and we get a fresh perspective on some events too.

But there's problems here that I've seen happen with a lot of the Elrod stories that I see happening here too, and it ends up reinforcing something that frustrates me through the whole story.

Over and over and over, I've read Elrod's stories with Kayda, and I've felt frustrated again and again and again. With Kayda it was this feeling of her feeling abandoned, and avoiding her friends instead of talking to them. There's a whole bunch of scenes that do nothing to the plot but reinforce this negative, frustrating feeling in me as a reader, wondering when it's going to be over with. This time though, it's with Danny being harassed and embarrassed over and over and over again, with nothing getting fixed, be it with the girls or the bullies. It's happening again, and I don't see that getting any better anytime soon. The story even seems to go out of its way to be inconsistent to repeat and reinforce this feeling constantly.

But then this also gets piled on with what seems to be the basic lesson this story seems to tell.

Bullying is okay.

Harassment is fine.

Peer pressure will win, and it's okay.

That's the lesson here in the grand scheme.

Now I don't mean Dump Truck and his bullies... Though I will go on a tangent on them anyhow.

Dump Truck works as a typical bigoted schoolyard bully. It's almost classic. He's strong, doesn't like how Danny looks like a fairy boy, and pushes him around. Extra points by the fact that he seems to be clever enough to make plausible excuses to security, and deniability in the whole process. It makes his side as an antagonist appear really well.

It's not perfect though in a few ways. Two... Three reasons, really.

The first one is when Danny says he won't press any charges. Claims he knows that bullies will just rage on him even more if he does, but what he doesn't seem to realize is that if he refuses to defend himself in this case, it's not going to stop them from bullying him. In fact, he's just inviting them to harass him more. "Hey! I'm not willing to defend myself! So go ahead! Pick on me more! You're clearly overpowering me, so why should I get the guys supposed to protect me actually protect me?" Pretty much, he's inviting more on him. We've had the same thing with Kayda, we're getting the same thing now.

I could at least forgive it with being schoolyard society logic getting into play. But then it gets followed up with the two next parts, all around the time Danny defended himself, and it gets seriously unfair.

The first part is how unfair the outcome of that fight is. Now yes, in the end, Dump Truck was the one who was sent to the hospital, but afterwards, Danny is the one who's shown as being in the wrong. He's the one punished and chastised for essentially defending himself. He gets detention and his spirit is told she can't defend him when danger arises.

Why?

Danny was defending himself. Doesn't matter if he threw the first punch. It should be clear by Dump Truck's power that that punch was no threat to him, and the following assault was meant to break him, if not straight out kill him. This is from a boy who at this point has clearly a history of bullying and harassing Danny at this point, yet this is never taken into account. Danny is the one who hurt him, Danny is in the wrong, Danny gets punished.

Heck outside of that encounter, Danny has tried running away, and all three times, he's been told not to do it, or gets caught anyways. The boy is trapped in a corner by the bullies and the authorities, pretty much told to take the beating.

But then the second point comes later, when Dump Truck decides to harass Danny again. It shouldn't matter how the regulation didn't punish him for that assault, or how Danny is acting now, Dump Truck almost got killed by his spirit, and might get killed again. Take that 'being actually clever about his methods', and throw it out the window, since he clearly doesn't have any survival instincts at this point. You don't go back to pull the tiger by the tail... Or in this case, the cougar.

But enough about the cliché bullies now, back to the point I wanted to make.

The main message from this story: Harassment is okay...

... When it's done by girls.

In fact, it feels like we're being told it's okay or cute, maybe even sexy when girls do it.

But in reality, especially in the position of Danny's point of view, it isn't. It really isn't.

All through the story, Danny expresses how he hates his situation. How he hates being cute, treated as cute, and he wants to be a boy, be treated as a boy. But constantly, and constantly, he gets pulled by girls who want him to turn fuzzy, and pet him. Other times, he gets told to turn into a girl, even though he doesn't want to.

He keeps whining, and groaning on how embarrassing it is, and he keeps telling these girls he doesn't want to, yet they keep doing it anyways. They keep making sensual advances, say how they want him to change into his girl form so then they can play with him.

In fact, in a reversal of the roles, the lesbians are acting like how men are pictured look at women. He's being seen as a piece of hot pussy... Cat, and told to change so they can look at her.

Any repercussions there? Nope. Not one bit. In fact, considering Kayda takes so much pleasure taking pictures of it all, it seems to be celebrated.

Then we get to Wondercute. The team who wants to have him because he's so cute. Even though he protests over and over again that he doesn't want to join, that he doesn't want to be with them and that he doesn't want to be called Kitty-boy, they still do it anyways. It goes so bad that he has to plan ways to escape from them. They may not be threatening to break his bones, but they're still bullies in their own way.

They try to fight over keeping him in their team, take him over when he heads out, drag him literally to them, when he insists he doesn't want to, pretty much eliminating any chances he had of making friends of his own who might respect him, and force him to join them in their team activities. Yes, they may have defended him from Dump Truck and his crew, but it didn't take a moment before they clung on to him again like a piece of property.

This is coming from a group who experienced bullying themselves so many times they banded together to fight it. A group who has Anna, who has experienced bullying for so long, either by her friends or herself, and they don't notice how they're acting.

This is coming from Jade, the boy who wants to be a girl, forcing a boy to be a kitty against his will, to be something he desperately doesn't want to be and not having a single bit of remorse about it, let alone any sympathy. I expected better out of her of all people.

Now what really, really got me upset was the end of the story.

After a prank done by the girls of Poe that had Danica lose control of her feline spirit for a moment, Danica broke down in tears, and ran away to be alone. And while it's indicated that Downpour had fun with it, I doubt she was the only one still laughing at the girl's embarrassment. And for a moment, just a moment, they wonder if they went too far... Which is then quickly replaced by trying to soften to blow about making Downpour smile, and how they wouldn't be forgiven if she doesn't shower with them anymore (Real transparent, girls).

But then Danica comes back after being almost shot by Security, she then gets MORE punishment, and finally breaks down in front of Horton, before running to her room to cry.

At this point, I related to Danica. I related. I've been at her point, teased and made fun of constantly without stop. It may seem small, and a joke to those who make the fun, but to the victim, it's a constant pressure over your shoulders that just builds up against a dam, until it breaks. I've been on a bed, crying my eyes off when it got to a point where I thought it would never end. So seeing Danica break down like that, I sympathized. I wanted to hug her there, and tell her everything would be okay. That the punishment was incredibly unfair on someone who was on the breaking point, and just needed some time alone.

Then Horton started to defend the girls. Bit of sympathy for Danica, yes, but then said they were sorry. Danica said she might accept an apology...

That apology?

... Sex.

Down by the hot tubs, Danica as a female form, stripped naked, and full-on groping and kissing.

No words on how they were sorry.
No acknowledging her hurt feelings.
Not a word that they would ease down, let alone stop.
Not a moment that they'd leave her male time alone.
Not a word that the petting and teasing would stop.

Their apology was taking her to a hot tub to make out, something they'd done previously, and done in a form that Danica didn't want, but suddenly kinda likes.

It's a repeat of what they did before. They're not saying they're sorry. They did it for themselves and they'll keep on doing it. The equivalent of buying your friend something they didn't want so you could play with it and claim you did something nice. And with Danica having no other way out, but try and enjoy it, it's Stockholm syndrome kicking in at this point. Just take the easier way out than all the pain.

This is their way of saying "I'm sorry for trampling on your feelings and tormenting you".

I. AM. DISGUSTED.

This is the same thing that happened with Kayda and Rosalyn, and even then, it felt like female sexual abuse, but carried out, because it's 'sexy'. It's like claiming a male student couldn't be sexually harassed by his female teacher, because he should be enjoying it. But even in Rosalyn's case, no consequences followed on it, and if the pattern follows, nothing will change here either.

If all this tormenting and petting him is meant to be cute and adorable, as a reader, I didn't feel it. Why? Because I felt it through Danny's perspective, and every time it happened, he felt embarrassed about how his body reacted. It didn't feel funny, cute or sexy. It felt humiliating. It repeated enough that it got frustrating, and I wished for it all to stop, or move on to something else, but it didn't. There's whole scenes that feel like they're nothing there but for extra padding, or extra embarrassment time that does nothing to further the plot along.

This felt painfully frustrating to read. By the end of it, I felt angry and upset. It's not the first time I've felt like this, and I told Nalley about it. That I felt like I should quit reading Elrod's stories because this pattern keeps repeating over and over again. It hurts to keep reading, and I'm not a masochist. The only reason I kept going with Kayda's story were two things. The promise by Nalley that there was revelations by the end that would make sense of it all and make it all worth it, and the fact that I'd gotten this far along and I'd taken on this duty on my own.

But now I find myself on this point again, and wondering if I should keep on going or give up. Take another chance at getting hurt once more to continue, and I'm not sure I can stomach another one.

In many ways, I think that Danny's problems with everyone around him whom he should have been able to confide in and trust actively working to coerce him into more a more accepted female presentation echo many of the problems that trans men face as puberty kicks in.

No one - from his people's spirit guides, on down to his parents, older sister, and counsellors - values his existence as a boy. At least Dump Truck doesn't demand that Danny be a girl for Angel's sake, for Downpour's entertainment, so that Wondercute can play dress-up, or to prove that he's really a hererosexual male by putting up with the abuse in order to make out with girls who would dump him in a New York minute if they had a full-time kitty-girl around.

So, while the circumstances may be upsetting - and it says something for the writing that Danny's enough of a relatable character to provoke a heartfelt reaction - I think the story does bring some important points to the table.

I like elrod's stories, and Kayda's was the first Whateley spin-off for me and she's a favorite of mine... But this.

This is pretty much everything which irked me when I read that story, told in a more eloquent way I ever could. Danny is treated like an object/toy, double-standard is painfully there, and the 'compensations' don't mask it at all. And I'll admit seeing Kayda having been through the same grinder again and again... Real Life wounds like this don't go away the first time, or the second, or the third... But past the tenth time... I like this sort of development arc because you can usually the end of the tunnel, but it's like the tunnel is always expanding sometimes, just for the sake of expanding... Sorry, after reading this react I felt a need to rant a little bit.

Polk Kitsune wrote: Then we get to Wondercute. The team who wants to have him because he's so cute. Even though he protests over and over again that he doesn't want to join, that he doesn't want to be with them and that he doesn't want to be called Kitty-boy, they still do it anyways. It goes so bad that he has to plan ways to escape from them. They may not be threatening to break his bones, but they're still bullies in their own way.

They try to fight over keeping him in their team, take him over when he heads out, drag him literally to them, when he insists he doesn't want to, pretty much eliminating any chances he had of making friends of his own who might respect him, and force him to join them in their team activities. Yes, they may have defended him from Dump Truck and his crew, but it didn't take a moment before they clung on to him again like a piece of property.

This is coming from a group who experienced bullying themselves so many times they banded together to fight it. A group who has Anna, who has experienced bullying for so long, either by her friends or herself, and they don't notice how they're acting.

This is coming from Jade, the boy who wants to be a girl, forcing a boy to be a kitty against his will, to be something he desperately doesn't want to be and not having a single bit of remorse about it, let alone any sympathy. I expected better out of her of all people.But now I find myself on this point again, and wondering if I should keep on going or give up. Take another chance at getting hurt once more to continue, and I'm not sure I can stomach another one.

No, Wondercute did not form as Anti-Bully, they formed as Anti-Jericho:

“What we need to do is to form a team to get even with Jericho and other people who are Anti-Cute.”

Anna's dealt with physical bullying, this type of emotional inadvertent bullying, basically Danny's sitch is pretty unique and no one knows how to deal with it?

Jade's never thought of the genderflip of her situation...

Like, the best comparison would be those who hate their BIT. Sapphire's sitch is somewhat comparable?

----

But now I find myself on this point again, and wondering if I should keep on going or give up. Take another chance at getting hurt once more to continue, and I'm not sure I can stomach another one.

If you haven't gotten to Gen2, or Gen1.5 or whatever, IIRC, it does get better. But doesn't change how it hurts at one point, just that you have something to look forward to, which helps?

And yeah, wait for part 3, I'd say.

----

Like, I get how everyone doesn't understand him. The only ones who don't like being the wrong sex / gender, are Ayla, and Mokele, IIRC.

Everyone else is at least ambivalent about it, and has help with it through Exemplar / Shifter Mental Adjustments or something.

I think some of you will find The Evil That Men Do very interesting reading.

And that's all I have to say about that. Except that I finished the rough cut of Part Five, the ending is a knock out and the whole tale is just shy of 57 thousand words. So my what, first novel of the year done? March isn't even over yet. I'm on a roll!

Nothing wrong with ranting at times. Gotta let it out. Part of what I had to do on this one here, and I'm afraid I might be harsh at times. Glad to see I'm not the only one on the boat though.

Haven't gotten to Gen 2... Well, I read a little of gen 2, but I thought I'd get caught up on Gen 1 before 2. Currently reading "An 'Imp'-portant date" part 1. Been enjoying Imp a lot, I'll admit.

It does bring in some points, yes, but on a more meta-sense, it also shows how as readers of TG fiction, we might be welcoming or cheering for those changes to happen, even when the protagonist doesn't want them. Had Danny not said his grievances, or even started to accept those changes much sooner, I might not have been so upset with it. I might have been side blinded to how Danny felt inside. In fact, I'm betting some people are waiting with baited attention on the day Danny permanently becomes Danica.

But yes, it does seem like no one gives a care on how Danny feels. No one at all. No sympathy for him, or worse, uses him. Even characters who should know better, who have lived through this, and know how scary and humiliating it must have been. Kayda, of all people, should know how scary it feels, yet there she is, pretty much claiming: "Well, he used to pick on me, so all this humiliation, it's all a big joke, right?"

Polk Kitsune wrote: In fact, I'm betting some people are waiting with baited attention on the day Danny permanently becomes Danica.

Huh. I was actually thinking that the Avatar Spirit Transfer Plot would finally come to a head, and a spirit swap would happen, giving Danny a spirit better suited to him, with this situation being a great, and basically the only, way of having a consensual spirit removal, Danny doesn't like hosting Wihinape, and Wihinape doesn't like being confined, so yeah.

----

But, we've gotten off topic from your review. Mal Out.

Polk wrote:

The first part is how unfair the outcome of that fight is. Now yes, in the end, Dump Truck was the one who was sent to the hospital, but afterwards, Danny is the one who's shown as being in the wrong. He's the one punished and chastised for essentially defending himself. He gets detention and his spirit is told she can't defend him when danger arises.

Why?

I'm not going to answer this directly, but I think that part of Whateley, maybe even RL demands that you not get caught. I know that is a stupid double standard. Also currently I think with this piece that we're seeing bleed over from zero tolerance policies. One thing I've noticed about such policies is that they make no differentiation between offensive actions and defensive actions. And they are huge on 'first strike' penalties while ignoring the little cuts of non-physical harassment, or harassment that doesn't quite meet the standard of physical violence. I spent many years being harassed by my peers in school. In looking backward, I often find it a wonder that I didn't pull an early school shooter attempt. No physical violence toward me, but daily, even hourly harassment of other nature. I too don't like Danny at all or rather his story is a major trigger for me. Not liking his story, and not liking at all where I went, even if I thought it somehow needed to be told is why I've stalled, well in part, on A Boy named Kelly, (formerly Nowhereville) that is that it set off a lot of emotional landmines for me. Yet that is what the muse dictated. Consider 25000 words in just under three weeks...
Anyway, I will read Danny with morbid fascination, and wonder just what sort of cruelty Kayda thinks she can get away with as an avatar for a very powerful spirit. Frankly I think someone ought to paddle her 'til she can't sit down over how she is treating her younger brother.
Yeah I get the sibling resentment, but as I told one little nogoodnick when I was watching him, someday you'll wake up and find out that how you treat your sibling bites you squarely on the butt! Much experience speaking there! To my shame so I know that Kayda's treatment of Danny is very TTL.

A few points to note here:

a) Danny started as a chew toy. A comic-relief, "I can't believe THIS is happening to him, TOO!" kind of character. He may or may not be evolving from that to a more regular character. Time will tell. That and whether my muse EVER comes back to me after going AWOL after 7 months of living in post-Harvey flooding disaster of a house where I have no oven, a couple feet of counter, everything we could keep is boxed up somewhere so we can never find it, and to top that off, my allergies are kicking my ass, and I've been on antibiotics twice to keep from developing pneumonia. 7 months and I haven't been able to write anything. It's bleeping depressing is what it is. So don't worry - you may have seen the last of Danny and those annoying little events.

Speaking of which, every one of my children has been disciplined or suspended for self-defense. Not attacking, but self-defense. Danny's situation regarding getting bullied and THEN getting in trouble? Saw it, esp when I was on the school board of my kids' elementary school. Is it annoying? You have NO idea how annoying it is to have your kid attacked, defend him or her-self, and then get suspended for it - the same as the attacker / bully. As for Danny's other angst, I have 3 kids, 2 of whom have gotten out of the teen years, but my teen daughter is still at home. I see far more angsty social-worrying and social bullying and other crap - just like what I write.

Or rather, I WROTE. We'll see if my muse returns.
If not, I had a good run. And I think a few people enjoyed some of what I wrote.

Let me preface this with 'Everybody is entitled to their opinion.'

Not everything we write will be everyone's cup of tea, call it the P. T. Barnum effect. Now, that said, I do have some questions because a lot of the objections being raised have me scratching my head. Does Danny have it rough? Yes, and that is by design, and unfortunately, things are only going to get rougher before they get better for Mr. Franks. That is life. And how interesting of a story would we have if everybody got their way all the time, right?

"Lt. Mary Sue to Enterprise, one to make things AWESOME !"

For starters let me ask for some clarification, because some of this doesn't jive with what was written. So:

Polk wrote: Bullying is okay.

Harassment is fine.

Peer pressure will win, and it's okay.

I don't think anything could be further from the thrust of what we've written so I am eager to discover where the break down is. For the first point, I think there has been plenty said already about why the school is not cracking down as hard as some would like. Part of that is prophecy, part of that is the school's mission, learn to solve your problems yourself. But every incident where things escalated past words to actions, I think we have been very consistent in handing out penalty. Let's use the altercation between Danny, Dump Truck and Tansy in the courtyard.

Dump Truck comes up and begins to harass Danny.
Tansy intervenes and goads him into attacking her, then breaks his arm and threatens him.

Outcome, Dump Truck goes to the hospital. Tansy gets a trip to Mrs Carson's office for a literal slap on the wrist. Read back over the dialogue of what Mrs. Carson is trying to teach Tansy which has almost nothing to do with what occurred outside of 'Make sure that everything you do you do for the right reasons and you're willing to take the consequences for.'

Danny isn't punished, or even reprimanded. No where does the message 'Bullying is Ok' come out or that Harassment is fine. To my memory, no one has ever told Dump Truck he can do what he is doing, in fact, the opposite is true.

You might not have gotten as far as The Evil That Men Do Part One, so I'll spoiler the next bit, but it shows that Danny is not punished for defending himself, or even being the cause of this all the time.



Peer pressure will win?

Well, you may have a point here, but that is certainly realistic. Is everyone around Danny trying to make him comfortable as a girl? Yes. Why wouldn't they?

Danny's spirit cannot be removed without SIGNIFICANT damage to Danny. He MUST spend time as girl to ease the spirit/hallow miss match and so NOT helping him be comfortable in a gender he MUST sometimes be would be cruel. So, it seems that what you're interpreting as cruelty is actually a genuine attempt to help Danny. He may not LIKE it, but we do plenty of things to children they don't like that are in their best interest.

Polk wrote: The first one is when Danny says he won't press any charges.

Huh? Could I have a reference or cite please? That rings no bells.

Polk wrote: He gets detention and his spirit is told she can't defend him when danger arises.

That is not what his spirit is told. Re-read this section from What's New Pussycat 2.

What's New Pussycat 2 wrote: "Good. Then you can focus on listening. You must control your temper while at this school so the boy ...."

"My duty is to keep the boy alive, to keep him healthy! When he is attacked, I will defend my host!" Wihinape snapped back, baring her teeth threateningly.

"Do you wish him to learn to fight?" the Kodiak asked gruffly. "Do you wish him to develop skills of his own, or do you intend to possess him whenever he has a task to accomplish or faces a threat?"

"I must defend him!" the cat-woman retorted.

"Then let him teach you about ragers, and what that means to the humans around him," the bear snarled. "You put him in extreme danger if your temper causes him to be labeled as such!" The cat-girl gawked at him, curious about the term the Kodiak had used. "And if you kill or maim someone, what does that do to the boy, who remembers everything you've done? Do you want him to lose his mind because of what you do when in control?"

Wihinape glared at the bear for several awkward seconds. "What would you have me do, bear?" the cat-girl asked with a scowl. "I have to protect him!"

"Teach him to fight. Teach him your other skills. In the end, you must let him learn to defend himself, to use your skills himself..."

Wihinape is told that SHE needs to control HER temper before it gets DANNY into trouble. That while Danny needs to learn to defend himself, if she lashes out with violence it is DANNY that will suffer the consequences. She can defend him by teaching him to best use the abilities she is already sharing with him, but she has to measure her response to an appropriate level.

Polk wrote: The main message from this story: Harassment is okay...

... When it's done by girls.

Dude, I have two words for you:

Pussy
Pass

Yes, girls can be some of the most cruel in their 'teasing' and yes they DO get away with it. They will get warnings where a guy will get a citation, they get suspended sentences when a guy goes to jail, they get shorter sentences when they do go to jail and when was the last time you heard of a woman being executed? They also get custody 90% of the time, alimony, etc etc. So, before this turns into a Men's Rights rant (too late maybe? ) yes, girls get away with a lot. That's just the way life is, and if there is a more cruel animal than teenaged girl I don't know what it is.

I hope this clears some things up, and as I started with, this isn't to excoriate you for your opinion. But I hope what we have is rather a misunderstanding of intent of the author. Either way, enjoy the read, and I hope this helps!

E. E. Nalley wrote:

Polk wrote: The first one is when Danny says he won't press any charges.

Huh? Could I have a reference or cite please? That rings no bells.

"What's New Pussycat, Part 1"

"Are you a were, or a shifter?" Forsythe asked warily.
"Shifter," Danny replied. "And ... I don't want to file. It'll just piss them off more."
"Even if you don't," Forsythe sounded a bit sympathetic and understanding, "you are a witness, so you'll have to fill in a report."

E. E. Nalley wrote: Yes, girls can be some of the most cruel in their 'teasing' and yes they DO get away with it. They will get warnings where a guy will get a citation, they get suspended sentences when a guy goes to jail, they get shorter sentences when they do go to jail and when was the last time you heard of a woman being executed?

In the US, Aileen Wuornos.

null0trooper wrote:

E. E. Nalley wrote:

Polk wrote: The first one is when Danny says he won't press any charges.

Huh? Could I have a reference or cite please? That rings no bells.

"What's New Pussycat, Part 1"

"Are you a were, or a shifter?" Forsythe asked warily.
"Shifter," Danny replied. "And ... I don't want to file. It'll just piss them off more."
"Even if you don't," Forsythe sounded a bit sympathetic and understanding, "you are a witness, so you'll have to fill in a report."

Those reports are read and acted on, ya know but yes the point is conceeded. That said, note the tone of Forsythe in this exchange.

null0trooper wrote:

E. E. Nalley wrote: Yes, girls can be some of the most cruel in their 'teasing' and yes they DO get away with it. They will get warnings where a guy will get a citation, they get suspended sentences when a guy goes to jail, they get shorter sentences when they do go to jail and when was the last time you heard of a woman being executed?

In the US, Aileen Wuornos.

Which in real part underscores my point. Or, as Wikipedia points out, Since 1976, when the Supreme Court lifted the moratorium on capital punishment in Gregg v. Georgia, sixteen women have been executed in the United States. Women represent just 1.09% of the 1,466 executions performed in the United States since 1976...

On the mentioned subject of sex-switched characters being happy with it, this is far more a G1 thing than in G2.

In G2, we have 7 switchers.

Hikaru is a spacial(and odd) case, so she's affected differently.

Bailley and Calliope seem OK with the change, though neither seems exuberantly happy either.

Erica is the result of a weird mad science experiment, and it seems to have affected her mind as well. Its unclear so far if her attraction to boys is actually due to the drug effect rather than her now being a girl.

Laura is the only one truly happy to have been changed.

Both Bianca and Morgana were forceably changed, and neither are at ALL happy about it. Yes, both of them have accepted the situation, but that doesnt mean they would really have preferred it hadn't happened. Making the best of it is an exercise in damage limitation for both of them. Just because they haven't collapsed in a heap (yet) doesn't mean its all bunnies and unicorns.

So I'd say the G2 situation is pretty different from the G1 one.

elrodw wrote: A few points to note here:

a) Danny started as a chew toy. A comic-relief, "I can't believe THIS is happening to him, TOO!" kind of character. He may or may not be evolving from that to a more regular character. Time will tell. That and whether my muse EVER comes back to me after going AWOL after 7 months of living in post-Harvey flooding disaster of a house where I have no oven, a couple feet of counter, everything we could keep is boxed up somewhere so we can never find it, and to top that off, my allergies are kicking my ass, and I've been on antibiotics twice to keep from developing pneumonia. 7 months and I haven't been able to write anything. It's bleeping depressing is what it is. So don't worry - you may have seen the last of Danny and those annoying little events.

Speaking of which, every one of my children has been disciplined or suspended for self-defense. Not attacking, but self-defense. Danny's situation regarding getting bullied and THEN getting in trouble? Saw it, esp when I was on the school board of my kids' elementary school. Is it annoying? You have NO idea how annoying it is to have your kid attacked, defend him or her-self, and then get suspended for it - the same as the attacker / bully. As for Danny's other angst, I have 3 kids, 2 of whom have gotten out of the teen years, but my teen daughter is still at home. I see far more angsty social-worrying and social bullying and other crap - just like what I write.

This is what I was talking about with zero tolerance policies. To be the least noisy about my opposition to them I hate that they make no differentiation between someone who is defending themselves and someone who is either a) attacking or b) provoking. And believe me, a lot of the little shits in this world have learned quite well to use such policies to be very effective bullies. They are like is described in a massive tome I'm reading now. The rules lawyer, except in a bad way. The sort of shit who will provoke and provoke, verbally then whine when confronted either verbally or challenged physically.

Or rather, I WROTE. We'll see if my muse returns.
If not, I had a good run. And I think a few people enjoyed some of what I wrote.

First I want to thank you for writing Danny.
I may have been a bit too harsh in what I wrote about him. The story needs to be written. It hits my trigger points because except for becoming something that I did not want to become, Danny could have been my life story.
So Excellent story. Chose to think of it this way, If you weren't over the target you wouldn't be receiving flack. I'd say you're smack over the target...

E.E.Nalley does make a point about this being my opinion. Everyone has a taste, and everyone has emotions, and they will all vary. This is what this review is. My view on the story, and my feelings about it. It wasn't an attack on you, it wasn't aimed at the person, but a description of how I felt after reading the story.

So I do sympathise with your situation, but that still won't change, or quash my feelings on the matter.

I don't write them to attack on people, or to make them stop. I write these to show how I feel about a work, to show what effect it has, and why. By the end of this one, I was extremely upset, and I've gone over the core of why. That's what you've put me through as a reader, and that's where I've pointed you. Usually, I'd try to point out a solution, or a way to improve it, but I couldn't spot any at the time I was reading.

Danny as a joke character isn't funny... No, wait, it was funny. At fist. Him being petted, turning fuzzy and embarassed, it was funny. But at some point, after so much repetition, it stopped being funny and adorable. Even more so when Danny makes a contant point on mentioning how he hates this, and how he doesn't want to be a kitty boy. We sympathise with Danny, and it becomes more and more frustrating as we go on. The joke turns into abuse, and the reader doesn't get to find it funny like the girls do, but feels abused like Danny does.

And all the way through this, there's very little sympathy or respect for his wishes. Every time he's expressed beign upset, he's shoved right back in his place of embarasment and told 'how his purring shows he enjoys it', when the reader gets a clear notion that he hates it.

Danny goes from being an adorable clown getting upset over nothing to avictim getting socially and mentally kicked down to the ground.

And I've grown to sympathise with that side of Danny. I've grown feeling to that side of the boy, and root for him getting peace, or what he wants. That's where my perspective has come from on this story.

But the story doesn't give that. In fact, it seems to celebrate his embarasment. That every time he gives a desperate call for "Stop it", they just barrel all over his feelings instead.

Now that is bullying, harrasment and torment. It may not be physical, but it sure is present there anyhow.

Now, Nalley, the message about 'Bullying is ok' isn't meanth for other stories. In fact, it's been pretty consistent that bulying isn't fine at all. But in thi story, this social bullying is present and celebrated. Danny is being made fun of and made a 'pet', no matter how strong he feels.

The Tansy bit you mentionned happened in another story. At best, it gets a mention in this story. In fact, Danny's sole benefactor, the only person who might even remotely be his confidante is Tansy, but even here, she's barely present.

I can't comment on "The Evil That Men Do", I haven't reach there yet. Gime time, and I will.

Peer pressure will win may be realistic, but do we have to like it? Not really. Does it have to be celebrated? Not really either.

Danny's spirit cannot be removed without SIGNIFICANT damage to Danny. He MUST spend time as girl to ease the spirit/hallow miss match and so NOT helping him be comfortable in a gender he MUST sometimes be would be cruel. So, it seems that what you're interpreting as cruelty is actually a genuine attempt to help Danny. He may not LIKE it, but we do plenty of things to children they don't like that are in their best interest.

Interesting idea here, but the itent of the girl isn't there. It's a third-person version of the story, and we know the girls' real intent here. It has nothing to do with getting Danny used to being female. It has everything to do with turning him into a kitty-boy/girl, and petting the cute one. There are little to no considerations to his feelings, and are purely self-serving.

It has nothing to do with trying to get used to the embarasment so he doesn't start fuzzing up and certainly nothing to do with him getting used to it.

And if I need proof, I can go right back to the end of part 2. Once Danica runs off from Poe, crying her eyes out, the girls are already making excuses, and they priorities aren't about making Danica feel welcome, it's about seeing her in the girl's showers again so they can look at her once more. Heck, even miss Horton, when Danica is crying in her bed, clearly upset, doesn't try to understand Danica's feelings, she's defending the girls who 'didn't mean it', 'wanted to appologize', and 'if you were in their shoes'.

Had this been followed up with a scene where there was an actual appology involved, showing actual concerns from the girls, and explaingi their feelings, I might have believed it. I might have seen that the girls would understand a little.

But nope. All we got instead is more hot tub and sexual encouragement to continue.

There's no intent to helping Danny, no soothing for his pains and misery, no empathy or sympathy. Just using him as a petting toy.

When the reader has all the sympathy and empathy for Danny, all of this is seen as cruel and feels like abuse.

As if to add to that point, you can't say Wondercute is trying to get him aclimated to being a girl at all. In fact, al lot of these girls don't even know he can switch to a girl either. Yet they keep pestering, and pulling him into being part of the group, joining them on activities and being as cute as they are, even if he claims multipel times he doesn't want to. When it gets to the point where he has to hide from them, it's not funny, it's bullying.

As for Wihinape defending Danny, does she get to give him the tools to defend himself? Does he get a moment for that? Because clearly, it doesn't work, and by the last beating the bullies give him, they break multiple bones in no time. Danny already tried running too, yet he also got reprimanded on that (I'm talking about the first time, before the slashing happens). Danny pretty much got all his options to defend himself from someone who keeps trying to bully him taken away from him.

Now, saying that the two of them being disciplined is realisitic... Point. It's realistic. And upsetting, clearly, you've known that yourself multiple times, as you've said it yourself. Do be reminded of that feeling, and that you're using that very same feeling of unfairness on your readers too. If that's the point you're trying to make, well done. I'm clearly as upset as I can immagine. (I would question the UV band discipline, wen it's only been one attack, and that Danny has shown he is clearly willing to run away from a fight, but that's a different topic).

As for Pussy Pass, interesting, maybe and a clear show of how a double standard it is, but you're referign to the law, and judgement.

But it's not the Law that's being the subject here, it's the emotional and social push for it.

The message thrown here is that if girls wants you to do something that's uncomfortable to you, that you hate it... Tough shit, better get happy about it, because there's nothing that you can do or say that will change that. In fact, you might as well celebrate it, because a lot of girls want to touch you, you hot pussy you.

In fact, if you want to bring the law on that, you could also point out to pedophilia: How many men are convicted of it, and how many women aren't even reported?

Does it still make it okay?

By the moral of this story? Yeah. It seems Danny's feelings don't matter at all.

I don't want you to stop writing, Elrod. Not at all. But I do want to make you aware of what you're writing here, and what impact you're having. What kind of impact your writing has done.

If upsetting people about how Danny has been treated was the point of these two parts? Then yeah, congragulations. Definitively felt sympathy for Danny, and sorry for him. Some stories and parts can do that. It does set up a chunk of his daily life too.

But if that was not the point here, then the best I can do for you is to point out how I felt, and why. The best I can do is show you my emotions, and why it felt that way. If it's the wrong outcome, then why is it the wrong outcome? How can that picture be clearer. I wish I had a clear answer to give you, a solution to the whole thing, but I can't look into your head to see what was the point either. I work with what I can see.

Ultimately, I felt pain and frustrated for Danny, and this is my take on it. My felings. My perspective. All I can do is open them up to you.

And... How can I put this again? Oh yeah...

"They ... deliberately humiliated me," Danica sniffled through her sobs.

"I don't think that's what they were trying to do," the house mother replied gently. "The way I heard it, they were just being playful and didn't know that it would hurt you."

"Well, it was really, really embarrassing," Danica started to reply.

"And I bet if the circumstances were reversed, you'd tease a little, too. And if you went too far, you'd feel bad and want a chance to apologize, right?"

P.S.:Thanks null0trooper for finding that quote faster than I could write this whole post ;3

^ - OMG! So awesome!

Went to reread Part 2 to check how Wondercute reacted to Danny leaving, if they saw it or not, etc.

I'm betting Wondercute apologized, given what they said at the end of their scene...

The really important bit, I think, is that the girls who lead Danny to the hottub at the very end, aren't named... We have no idea who is using sex as an apology...

But it's done smoothly enough that IIRC, no one's noticed it until now??

Really don't think that's Wondercute... Maybe Blackrose? ... And Cindy?? ... Is this too close to speculation for this thread?

Thank you, Kristin. It's always nice to hear, and I try as much as I can. *blushes and fidgets quite a bit* I know I'm not perfect, and sometimes, I let the emotions get the better of me, but I try.

Malady wrote: ^ - OMG! So awesome!

Went to reread Part 2 to check how Wondercute reacted to Danny leaving, if they saw it or not, etc.

I'm betting Wondercute apologized, given what they said at the end of their scene...

The really important bit, I think, is that the girls who lead Danny to the hottub at the very end, aren't named... We have no idea who is using sex as an apology...

But it's done smoothly enough that IIRC, no one's noticed it until now??

Really don't think that's Wondercute... Maybe Blackrose? ... And Cindy?? ... Is this too close to speculation for this thread?

Mmmnnn. Don't think it's Wondercute. At all.

Partly because the hot tub is a Poe secret, and not all of Wondercute is from Poe. It is meant to be for the gays of Poe, and pretty sure not all of Wondercute fit in that category.

Most likely, it's Cindy and her friends, since they're the ones who actually spoke of a way to apologize to Danica previously. It just makes too much sense there.

E. E. Nalley wrote: Those reports are read and acted on, ya know but yes the point is conceeded. That said, note the tone of Forsythe in this exchange.

I like to lean rather heavily on that in my own WhatIF. Some of the actions taken just aren't going to be obvious or even observable from the student POVs - that can make it difficult for a reader to find out that something really has been done (until a suitable reveal).

Re: the chew toy. A lot of the humor in a chew toy's mishaps seems to me inversely proportional to the severity of the damage sustained and directly proportional to how "flat" the character is. Bloodwolf being nailed to a tree is still kind of funny as long as one doesn't think too much on Generator's state of mind at the time. (Rose Bunny's WhatIF character) Host being nailed to a tree didn't have many people laughing, even though the character started out as a literal "bad idea".

Imp 6: A Very Imp-ortant date.

Okay, I'll admit, I always do look forward to reading a good Imp story. It's Imp-probable to leave a bad Imp-pression with Imp Imp-rovising her Imp-presive style of humor and shenanigans in such an Imp-ecable manner... Too much? Imp-possible... Maybe I do like puns a little too much.

This one here has also been really good, although it doesn't have the high tension of Melissa's kidnapping, we have a pretty decent mix of Imp's superhero lifestyle and new life as a teacher, all intermixed with her newfound romance with Ryan. There's a few different plots all intermixed, and although some of it is more used to setup later arcs, it's still enjoyable. Besides, life doesn't tend to just hit you with one thing at a time, and gives you a moment to recover.

The Imp's mix of silliness and common sense mentality keeps showing up here, and it's still both entertaining and fascinating at time to follow. The silliness does keep up with making the more boring and monotone scenes from becoming too serious, while we get a good sight into her thought process, and how she sees the world. With her experience on the streets, she's learned to be practical, and keep a good head on her shoulders. It's how she's kept alive through the years, yet even then, she still has a bit of a conscience. She hasn't let all the bad times she's had turn her completely biter about the world, and she balances on the line between making fun of people, and making actual harm. She also has a tendency of doing a lot of misdirection, like the fact that her powers are often kept secret from her enemies to hide their actual effects, and that she'll also bluff quite a bit. It gives an extra bit of suspense, like she's always walking the tightrope, possibly falling on either sides at any moment, but she keeps her balance, and comes out at the end with a smile on her face. In the end, what else can I say but: she's the Fabulous Imp?

This story here starts off with Imp and Tabby Cat playing a bit of cat and mouse in her silly usual self, and followed with a return to the art scene where she chats up with a few people, a bit of fluff to start with, until the first set piece of this tale comes up. That is, when she discovers that her older brother is looking for her, thinking she might be his long-lost sister.

After getting her to turn and flee instead of facing him right away, she reflects on that with a bottle at Superbad, and she reflects on the past, and what it means. Surely, he knows about her GSD, and he knows the name. If she were to go to him, things might turn real bad. Such is the dilemma with him.

But it's at this bar though that I do like to point out one little bit of misdirection used here that I thought was clever. By the end of that bar scene, Sunder warns her that a couple of people have been looking for her.

Now since it was at the beginning, and we had someone literally looking for her, my mind went straight back to Danny Boy, and thought he was the one they were talking about. It'd make sense that the main plot served to us would be a whole lot more complex than what it seems. It'd be a weak story otherwise, and something nice to unravel. Imp does even reflect that it'd might be possible it's not him, since they were looking for the Imp, not Candice, but then again, he knows about her GSD, and one look at the TV would let him put two and two together. Things could get more complicated.

And for those who know what happens later, yes, it is more complicated than that, but at this point, the central plot point is still Danny Boy. This is just a setup point for now, and we only find out the same time Imp does.

Now Danny Boy's situation is interesting in its own ways, not straightforward, and no wonder he wants help. He's stuck between a rock and a hard place. Why he tried to go after his long-lost sister for help rather than a professional with much less of a family connection does raise some question, unless it was more of killing two birds with one stone, and if it how, how convenient.

We then get a sweet scene with a date with her and Ryan, where they not only share a meal, but she also shares with him one of her special spots, and favorite stress-relief activity. He even gets into the spirit of egging those that might frustrate him, and she points out if she really wanted to hurt someone, she easily would have a long time ago. Eggs might hurt the ego and the cleaning bill, but much less than a spike. It does show how much she trusts him with her little secret, and how much he's willing, and accepting of who she is, even joining in her activities.

After making talk with Danny boy, and agreeing on the deal, we get her back to the Black Mask, and this is where we once more hear that someone was asking for her. This time though, we get details that it is a woman, and Crash Test Dummy. Now this does raise a few alarm bells, since we didn't hear about Danny having deals with another woman, and if he needed supervillains, he would have Crash Test Dummy in his pocket. So this search was done by another party altogether. In other words, there's another plot in this story.

Luckily, we quickly get an answer as to who was looking, with the first meeting with the Imp Revenge Squad (love the fun with that acronym, BTW). A sort of Sinister Five after our dear Imp's head, each with their own reason for wanting her dead.

The Crimson Kid is the first one coming in, and has a rather unique PK field that he can shoot like a projectile. His personality as far as we can see it seems to be set to 'angry about Imp', though the real interesting piece about him comes with the background info Imp gives us. On how a hero like him would pin his crime on another innocent mutant the way a dirty cop might blame the death on someone else. Imp took it personally, and turned those tables around on him, ruining him in the process. This led to a downward spiral leaving him homeless and ruined as a hero. No wonders he'd want revenge.

Hrm. Now I'm going to go on a tangent here, and a bit of theory for a paragraph or two, but I'm wondering what would be the odds that Imp was wrong about Crimson Kid. That he was actually innocent, and wrongly accused. We've seen Imp being vindictive of heroes before just for pulling on her tail, I can only imagine how it must be with a friend of hers dying. I doubt she's perfect, so it could have happened. In that case, yeah, no wonders he's pissed.

... On the flip side? He does seem to act like someone who wouldn't mind the collateral damage. He's certainly angry enough for it, and wiling to kill, right? If there was a nugget of truth with him being innocent, doubt things would have gone all the way downhill like they seem.

But back on the topic at hand, and the next Revenger. Because if there was some doubt about Crimson Kid's verdict, we know all too well how much guilty Jack Rabbit is and yes, he'd be vengeful enough to do this. I was even surprised he was back on his two feet, even more surprised to see him hunting down Imp after what she'd done to him. Then again, it's been well established that he has an ego, and more than a bit deranged. At least now he doesn't have those gems and mind control is no longer part of his deal. Also surprised he teamed up with known supervillains, but that might just tell how far in the deep end he's gone.

Crash Test Dummy, now there's a name I hadn't heard in a while, but thankfully, with a bit of explanation, he fell right back in place. He always was more of a second-rate villain, playing second fiddle to a bigger name. Even now though, he may be powerful, but not the most personally involved for the reader (though he's certainly personally pissed at Imp).

He does loose another limb further down the story though, making me wonder if at one point, he'll get a big button on his chest that will separate all his limbs off, and he'll finally emulate the toys his new namesake came from.

Hexagon 2.0 doesn't give much of an impact as the others, though she does make a distaff counterpart to the original. She has powers, yes, but she's not as invested at 1.0 was. Being an apprentice, she also seems to be a bit greener, all things considered. Powerful, and she does have some skill, but competence may vary. I get the feeling that if she knew what really happened, er... Well, she might still hate the Imp, but things might be different.

As for the angel, Heaven, I can't seem to make heads or tails about why she'd be angry at Imp to the point of killing her. Seems she ruined her somehow, but if it was hinted at in a previous story, I can't remember it, the same way Imp might have missed it. It's not like the list of people she made fun of is exactly short.

Though why do I get a feeling that if she ever does make a monologue about how Imp ruined her life, Imp would be able to go: "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that for you, the day the Fabulous Imp graced your reception was the most important day in your life. But for me, it was Tuesday." Not a cartoon, but still a classic line.

The fight itself though is pretty one-sided. Mostly because Imp is taken off guard, and trapped for a moment. They're able to put quite the hurt on her, along with a decent amount of gloating. Probably why Imp is able to escape at all.

There are times I'm tempted to say that the Imp has it too easy, that she gets away pretty flawlessly, almost too easily. Partly because of her powers, and how she's able to be so good with it, even though it's apparently limited, yet I can't say she's not being creative with it. She sure had the experience to use it too. Still, at times, it almost feels too good.

But then I'm reminded of fights like these, where she almost gets killed without being able to make a scratch. She's vastly overpowered by these villains who dogpile on her. She even got her tail cut off, and it's a good thing it was able to grow right back up in place.

I was also wondering why the villain didn't try to follow a blood trail coming from the severed tail, since that bit wouldn't be covered by the forcefield. Then again, most of them don't seem to be sharp enough to think of that, and it's possible, with the kind of weapon involved, the wound would have sealed up by the heat alone, leaving no opening.

And so we end part 1 with a cliffhanger with her fainting in Ryan's arms from the troubles, with no ideas how well she'll get back on her feet, or what Ryan will do.

Part 2 starts right out with her arriving at Whateley again, with a quick mention of what she and Ryan had gone over about this crisis. I was surprised he didn't try to force her for an answer somehow, thinking how concerned he was, and it might have been an interesting discussion to see, but it's skipped instead. Not the biggest burn, but I keep it in mind, especially considering how much filler/plotless entertainment material is placed instead.

In fact, before I go to my next point, I'm just going to slip in that there is always quite a bit of filler to these stories. Some of it does develop Imp and her entourage as characters, and paint a picture of their environment, but some of it is simply her cracking a joke, or receiving praise from someone, while skipping the rest of their conversation. There's not much to advance the plot there, but even when realizing this, I don't really mind these moments in these stories. Maybe it's the Imp's personality shining thought these in various ways, maybe it's being balanced with everything else, but I don't mind it at all, really. With just the quantity of it, it could have been very boring, but not here.

I do bring that up here though, because something peculiar happens in part 2 that I can't help but bring into attention.

The opening section, October 23rd, has the Imp coming back to Whateley, and everything is as it should be. It's like class was back to normal with her usual brand of humor that we've seen in past stories. This feel is even carried out as she explores both the IRS' members, and also progresses the plot with her brother in a discussion. There's not a beat lost there.

But then we skip to October 25th, and something is wrong. I believe the TV Tropes entry for that one is OOC is Serious Business. From the beginning of that day, the Imp has her sense of humor turned off. She has a lack of energy, she's depressed, and even Razorback's mimicry of Jeff Dunham's routine can't get her in a bright mood. This of course has everyone worried. She's always been so alive and funny. One might assume someone's done something to her.

It's also important to compare to the previous day too, because on the 23rd, she had her tail cut off, a list of enemies forming up, her brother resurfacing and a laundry list of things to do, and she did not lose the usual puns. Nothing shook her up. Yet there she is, depressed as all hell.

When Tabby comes over to talk, we finally know what's got her so down, and it's the anniversary of when she lost her chance of being a mother. The date itself is a reminder of the pain she has to go through.

It's... Odd to say the least. I don't blame her for being depressed. Oh no. No questions, she has every rights. What I do question though is how sudden she was depressed. Like flipping a switch, she went from funny to down. That kind of depression, you tend to carry the baggage around in your head all the time, it doesn't just go away, yet the Imp is usually seen in her happy-go-lucky mood. Outside of a small notation on the 23rd, we don't see a buildup of her getting depressed. It's simply suddenly depressed on the 25th. One might say that something happened on the 24rth to lead up to it... But on the 26th, the depression was gone. She was right back to her normal self, without any of yesterday's sadness. It's a little sudden, is all I'm saying. Makes me wonder if all the jokes is just a coping mechanism, and on that day, the coping wasn't enough, and the dam broke. The facade of the Imp broke for one day. In any case, she definitively hurts inside about not being a mother, missing on this... And either she's been ruined from being a mother physically, or she couldn't bring herself to give it another go after the first.

... And I'm going on another tangent here, but I have questions. How did she loose her baby exactly? By the fact that her tail was healed after being chopped off, she has pretty high regeneration. Wouldn't her regeneration have healed it if it was just physical trauma? Would her pregnancy have been accelerated too? Or would have the regen made the trauma worse? That her healing would have forced her body to a pre-pregnancy state? Or that it healed the fetus, but was essentially dead afterwards? Or worse complications, making her pretty much infertile afterwards? Maybe I'm overthinking this.

In any case, following her recovery, we get to Parent's day, where we get Imp to meet with various parents with their students. Though most of it is spent around her and Ryan, even with her showing off her underground class, where she does note how eccentric Melisa can be at times.

There is also a short brawl involving a heroine who wants to arrest her, but is quickly arrested and kicked off the premises afterwards... I'll just put this gun here on the wall, from my good friend Chekhov... Though at first, I thought it was just a moment to show off Imp's power, and how she'd learned her lesson to work with security rather than being blamed by them. Little did I know...

And before the end of this part, Imp and Ryan have a dinner together, and talk more. Pretty good once more for them, though one point did pop out. When Ryan mentioned that Jack Rabbit was one of the people attacking Imp, he also mentioned that Imp hadn't taken into the account that him and Melissa might be involved to, that they might be targeted by him too. That by not involving them, they were vulnerable. It does get Imp to open up about the IRS to him too, but it also points out that Imp usually doesn't take into account her partners, or the people around her in what she considers 'her business' and she might want to change that.

... Which also makes me wonder if the fact that Melisa is oblivious about Jack Rabbit isn't another part that might come back later... Theories for another story.

Part 3 opens up on the arc of helping her brother keep the art museum, while keeping his neck intact. Considering he's in-between a crime group, and a superhero, it's a tightrope act, to say the least.

That arc though is surprisingly short. Interesting, yes, in a fashion, but for one of the two main plot element for this story, I expected it to be more complicated, to have more plot and twists involved. It was even a little... Anti-climactic.

The path she took to resolve this though is a bit... How can I say it? Unconventional in Superhero Comic Logic. You expect some fighting to happen, spy thriller, and lots of action, especially since we've seen Imp solve a lot of problems that way.

So to see her use a more business-like negotiation solution to the whole conundrum is unexpected. Smart, yet, quite clever in a way, considering you want to minimize damage. It's not completely clean, of course, since Imp does have to deal with Asterix in a more soft-handed-way, while bluffing with the criminals to make the deal go her way.

The Asterix was an interesting Superhero reflection of the Imp. Took a moment to figure out why he chose that name, the fact that he's an exception to all the various laws, as he wishes it to be, which is kinda silly to named as a superpower, and more than a little broken. Thankfully, really silly and used sparingly. His exchange between himself and Imp are silly as all heck, and kind of like watching the Imp play with herself... I mean, play herself... I mean... I'm not getting out of this one, am I?

Though yes, the name Asterix did remind me of that comic book character, it was one of my classics durign my childhood, and I was so glad for the reference... Though seeing his personality, I'm thinking up a different cartoon:

Super-teen extraordinaire
Freakazoid! Freakazoid!
Runs around in underwear
Freakazoid! Freakazoid!

Rescues Washington D.C.
Freakazoid! Freakazoid!
Unless something better's on TV
Freakazoid! Freakazoid!

His brain's overloading
It has a chocolate coating
Textbook case for Sigmund Freud
Freakazoid! Freakazoid!

Erm-right. Back on tracks. Still, I did like the many cartoon references, no questions about it.

By the end of that though, we have the scene at the graveyard, where she meets her brother once more, and we delve a bit more into how she feels about her family, while Danny boy denies all her accusations... And at this point, we've seen how miserable, how Imp felt about her family that I was on her side, dishing out blame, and how her family never wanted her, especially when she manifested. Imp does have some feelings on the matter though, both mad at her family for rejecting her, and at herself for manifesting, and not being able to be their proper daughter. Quite an emotional scene.

But with the art gallery done, we skip over to Aegis. This is where I do question the writing here, or rather the position of this switch. We're in the middle of part three out of four, where we have a basic plot and goals already set up, but now we break away from that for something entirely new (Even if I realize Aegis appeared in previous stories). Even if it is setup for later stories, it doesn't really fit in properly in this spot. It breaks the flow of the narrative. We fit in one right after the other, Aegis being rescued by the girls, Imp being given her assignment, and the simulation. I'd be tempted to say you might want to break those up a little, maybe putting the first two parts back in part 2 of your story to spread it out a little.

That being said, the story between Aegis and Imp is still an interesting one. It's only the start, and surely far from being over, but the fact that Imp is teaching a wanabe hero is quite a flip on her, especially with her hate of conventional heroes. Heck, she doesn't even think he'll take her up on her offer to help him. Aegis is certainly way above his head, and quite stubborn in his ways. Up to the point where Imp can walk circles around him. He definitively could use the coaching. And so begins Imp's new job as a teacher, and Aegis' development, working with a past super-villain, looking past her previous history, and maybe he'll also gain a new view on what it is to be a hero and what so-called villains can be. I do look forward to that development.

I think I may have mentioned this before, but that is part of the theme of Imp's story. Although there are wide-reaching labels like villains and heroes, not all of them apply, or act upon those labels. Imp, a villain, acts often a lot like a hero, or someone with good values, simply forced into the role of a villain because of her circumstances. On the flip side, you also have heroes who act like villains in the backstage, or idiots who don't realize what they're doing. You can't judge people by their labels, but by their actions. Once more, it's at play here.

Then comes part 4, and we go back to New York to face off with the IRS. We don't go straight for the encounter though, first doing a bit of legwork with Ryan to locate the IRS and their base of operation. Before long, we get right into the confrontation.

The fight itself this time though, is relatively one-sided. It's not a total flop from the villain's side, but Imp is never really against the ropes. In a fashion, it's not surprising: the first time, they had caught her by surprise, and off-guard. This time, she knew who they were, what they had, and she was prepared for them with extra backup, help, and she set up the terms of the encounter. Not to mention that the IRS was waiting at least two weeks of almost-constant vigil, and stretching their resources to keep that lookout going. Imp, meanwhile, was pretty much fresh, with new tactics to her name.

Even as one-sided as it was, it was still entertaining to read, mostly because although we saw Imp making reconnaissance on the IRS, we never did see her preparations and calls for her traps and reinforcements, so we got to discover them as they were deployed on the enemy. It kept the encounter fresh all the way through, even if we'd already seen those enemies in action before.

In the end though, after some damage on each members, the IRS teleport away to fight another day. Of course, things aren't over with those guys. Not yet. For now though, Imp can consider her reputation recovered, and a victory against the IRS.

After that, we get to the 'Very Imp-ortant date' the story title has been pointing to. It takes a good chunk of this story, and I'll admit, it's quite charming and romantic, with plenty of imp-ortant details for Imp. Starting with the fact that they two of them went on a date in a restaurant where she could just stay as her natural self. She didn't have to hide, she didn't have to defend her looks, and he wasn't afraid to be seen with her. Add in to the fact (that was pointed out) that she expressed that she felt like they couldn't be with each other openly, and this was a perfect way to open that date and to take the next step on their relationship.

Following that is a nice evening with the two of them, where things got warmer, and in the morning, although Imp was a little nervous, she was relieved to see he still wanted her, and that only reinforced their feelings. That leads into Imp opening up, and revealing to him her most protected secrets. Her Imp Lair and her secret identity. For someone like Imp, who has trouble letting people getting too close, heroes, of all people, this is huge. It shows how much trust she puts in him.

The delivery of this revelation was also really well done too. She started by presenting her pendant, and what it can do, what it allows her to do in real life. I expected her to show the effect to him right away, but she didn't. She pulled it away, and presented him with her apartment, and what she really works on. It's only when he sees the paintings that she puts it on, and lets him put it all together in his mind, and realize who she is. Well played.

After that bit of romance, we have another meeting with Danny boy to close out their deals. A moment to discuss how the deal ended, and a mention on how Imp now owns most of their museum now, but will let him run it anyhow.

But that's not the real meat of this meeting. It really starts when Danny decides to make an apology. On how he wasn't a proper brother to her, and how she was treated. One might say that it was a mite too late, but then again, he didn't exactly get to have a chance to do so beforehand. He mentions how he ended up missing her, and add in to that that to make it even more sympathetic, he mentions on how his own daughter makes him realize how he'd treated her when she got treated for having not a mutation, but Down's Syndrome. He took it as a curse at first, but then took it as a challenge to be a better father than a brother.

Now I'll admit, I always had second thoughts about Danny. Considering she'd been hurt by him and her family in the past, I always expected there'd be more to him than meets the eye. That he was going to turn on her, betray her somehow. It's what my instincts as a reader led me to believe. So to see my expectations turned around like this wasn't just a surprise, but rather heartwarming, and maybe even more depth to the tragedy that was Imp's past. I still think there's always a possibility he might not be what he seems, but now it's also likely he was honest and a good person beneath all those expectations.

As if to seal his intentions, he leaves her with posters she cherished as a child, and the possibility that her parents still cared for her, maybe even waited for her to come back all these years, if they kept all her possessions, including a few posters.

Part of me now hopes that she goes see Danny again. Maybe that the Imp could meet her niece too. Maybe they'd have a chance to patch things up.

Of course, that's not up to me, we'll just have to see.

We finish this story with the IRS patching up and licking their wounds, clearly not ready to give up on killing the Imp. Clearly, they're battle-damaged, some you might even consider dis-armed, but they will get back together.

And then we end up with this...

"Yes," Jackalope responded with a malicious smile. "Sureshock told me that we can find the Imp at Whateley Academy."

Now that is a WHAM line if I've heard one. The Imp-plications of that line speaks so much volume, yet put at such a cliffhanger moment, you can't help yourself but predict what will happen next. It was even delivered quoting back the event back at Parent's day. This links back our villains here back to Whateley, and I can't help but think of all sorts of theories of what will happen next.

Odds are, it means they're going to hunt her down at Whateley. I doubt they'd just hunker down at New York again for the next beatdown. The question is though, are they just going to hunt her down directly on campus? Are they stupid enough to do that? Er. Some, maybe, but I doubt it'd be that simple. In fact, I'm tempted to see Barney get involved in this, and give them a way in somehow, or plan with them to take her out. Will it also involve the students in Whateley? How will Melisa handle seeing Jack Rabbit again? And of course, how will Aegis respond to 'heroes' attacking her?

Ah, so many possibilities, so many theories... Yet that's all I've got right now. I'll admit, I've got high expectations at this point, and I hope it's all worth it. Morpheus has a way of surprising me, and weaving complex stories, and I am sooooo looking forward to it.

This story was good, but I also realize it's not the final conflict. There's a lot of setup put here, only for it to close later on, but I still enjoyed it so much. Keep up the great work.

I too always love the Imp stories, and Morpheus does an Impressive job of Improvising an Imp-mersive story. Anyway you wrote:

Though why do I get a feeling that if she ever does make a monologue about how Imp ruined her life, Imp would be able to go: "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that for you, the day the Fabulous Imp graced your reception was the most important day in your life. But for me, it was Tuesday." Not a cartoon, but still a classic line.

while I know this is the usual way such a thing might be said (in other words it was just another work day) I can also see Imp, being Imp saying it was Monday, and that was the reason she just had to be sure to rain Monday on someone else's head....

Anne wrote: I too always love the Imp stories, and Morpheus does an Impressive job of Improvising an Imp-mersive story. Anyway you wrote:

Though why do I get a feeling that if she ever does make a monologue about how Imp ruined her life, Imp would be able to go: "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that for you, the day the Fabulous Imp graced your reception was the most important day in your life. But for me, it was Tuesday." Not a cartoon, but still a classic line.

while I know this is the usual way such a thing might be said (in other words it was just another work day) I can also see Imp, being Imp saying it was Monday, and that was the reason she just had to be sure to rain Monday on someone else's head....

An interesting idea, but that would mean Imp would have had to pay attention to Heaven, and give attention to 'someone', anyone. I'll admit finding the Bison quote more on target, but then again, I'll admit I don't recognize the Monday quote from anywhere...

Polk Kitsune wrote:

Anne wrote: I too always love the Imp stories, and Morpheus does an Impressive job of Improvising an Imp-mersive story. Anyway you wrote:

Though why do I get a feeling that if she ever does make a monologue about how Imp ruined her life, Imp would be able to go: "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that for you, the day the Fabulous Imp graced your reception was the most important day in your life. But for me, it was Tuesday." Not a cartoon, but still a classic line.

while I know this is the usual way such a thing might be said (in other words it was just another work day) I can also see Imp, being Imp saying it was Monday, and that was the reason she just had to be sure to rain Monday on someone else's head....

An interesting idea, but that would mean Imp would have had to pay attention to Heaven, and give attention to 'someone', anyone. I'll admit finding the Bison quote more on target, but then again, I'll admit I don't recognize the Monday quote from anywhere...

What was that about rainy days and Mondays ?

Polk Kitsune wrote: It's... Odd to say the least. I don't blame her for being depressed. Oh no. No questions, she has every rights. What I do question though is how sudden she was depressed. Like flipping a switch, she went from funny to down. That kind of depression, you tend to carry the baggage around in your head all the time, it doesn't just go away, yet the Imp is usually seen in her happy-go-lucky mood. Outside of a small notation on the 23rd, we don't see a buildup of her getting depressed. It's simply suddenly depressed on the 25th. One might say that something happened on the 24rth to lead up to it... But on the 26th, the depression was gone. She was right back to her normal self, without any of yesterday's sadness. It's a little sudden, is all I'm saying. Makes me wonder if all the jokes is just a coping mechanism, and on that day, the coping wasn't enough, and the dam broke. The facade of the Imp broke for one day. In any case, she definitively hurts inside about not being a mother, missing on this... And either she's been ruined from being a mother physically, or she couldn't bring herself to give it another go after the first.

There is a day in my life that has personal significance, related to the death of a loved one. For several years after they died, I emotionally went to shit on that day, every year; and even now I have a really bad day every 4-5 years. Enough so that I always try to schedule the day off work if I can, but I'm not always successful. The thing is, at this point it's normally just that day that's bad for me. And while I generally can tell a week or two in advance if this is going to be one of the bad years, it's not actually bad until the day and I'm normally fine the next. So while I grant that it's a somewhat unusual reaction, it's actually very close to my reaction to something.

I apologize for the lack of details, but I'm still not going to elaborate. And thank you in general for your reviews, I may not always agree but they're always interesting.

OtherEric wrote: There is a day in my life that has personal significance, related to the death of a loved one. For several years after they died, I emotionally went to shit on that day, every year; and even now I have a really bad day every 4-5 years. Enough so that I always try to schedule the day off work if I can, but I'm not always successful. The thing is, at this point it's normally just that day that's bad for me. And while I generally can tell a week or two in advance if this is going to be one of the bad years, it's not actually bad until the day and I'm normally fine the next. So while I grant that it's a somewhat unusual reaction, it's actually very close to my reaction to something.

I apologize for the lack of details, but I'm still not going to elaborate. And thank you in general for your reviews, I may not always agree but they're always interesting.

That's certainly interesting to hear, I'll admit. No, I'm not going to ask you to elaborate, I'd rather not ask you to pick on a wound if it hurts that much. Still, thanks for sharing, and shedding some light on it, though I will admit, I might not have the experience there to fully sympathize or understand it. It feels a little out of place for me, though I don't want to belittle how depressing it is either.

Thank you for the kind words too, and I'm glad you do enjoy the reviews. Sometimes I do worry if people read them or enjoy them, so it's always welcome to hear so.

I don't expect everyone to agree with me all the time, each have their own experiences and differences, so it'll never be perfect. If something does really bother you, in fact, it's even better to hear about it, and discuss it. I could have missed something and I'm happy to take a second look and debate. Heck, it only helps develop the story's impression at times.

I am definitely interested in your latest review. It's always interesting to read a well thought out review that looks at the different aspects of the story in this way.

What is next on your list, Polk? You still using the recommended order or something else?

Morpheus wrote: I am definitely interested in your latest review. It's always interesting to read a well thought out review that looks at the different aspects of the story in this way.

Thank you so much. ^^ It's wonderful to be appreciated, and I'm glad I could give you a different view on the story the story, and show how much I enjoyed it, how I enjoyed it, even if some parts were a little off. Of course, these are only my point of view and theories, and I'll try to keep it going.

E. E. Nalley wrote: What is next on your list, Polk? You still using the recommended order or something else?

Right now, I'm using the released date list, going from older to newer. I haven't made a review on everything, but mostly on those that I felt strongly about, partly because I wanted to catch up to the current stories 'one of these days'. Seeing I'm coming on a close to catching up, I might have to look into more frequent reviews, if people want it.

In the process of 'catching up' though, I ended up skipping some stories, thinking the characters might have been just one-shots that might not have much of an impact as a whole, and in hindsight, it might have been a mistake. So I've gone back, and started going on the stories I'd skipped from Morpheus. I've read up on Roulette and Ribbon, truly enjoying the two, and I've just started on R&R3. I'll have to look back on Absinthe too, since I hoped there too, but I'll get back in it once I'm caught up on R&R. I started on Vegas, Baby, Vegas, and I hesitated on that one. I felt like I had just jumped in the middle of a movie, and missed the introduction, making me wonder if I'd skipped a part before getting to it. Was it on purpose?

As for the next review, I don't know which one I'd review next, though if there are requests for it, just ask, and I'll give it a good effort to write one up. I know, EE, that you've been looking forward to my read on The Evil that Men Do, so I probably will set myself to review it, once I get to it.

Polk Kitsune wrote: I know, EE, that you've been looking forward to my read on The Evil that Men Do, so I probably will set myself to review it, once I get to it.

Oh, no worries, it's not all even out yet, so you have time on it. There are still two more chapters unpublished.

E. E. Nalley wrote:

Polk Kitsune wrote: I know, EE, that you've been looking forward to my read on The Evil that Men Do, so I probably will set myself to review it, once I get to it.

Oh, no worries, it's not all even out yet, so you have time on it. There are still two more chapters unpublished.

Then I'll take my time, and do it all in one go once it's ready >3

JG wrote: I'm surprised you haven't roasted any of mine, hehehehehehe.

Is that an invitation then? ;3 I believe I've already read all you wrote in the Original cannon so far. Not perfect, but I did have a good time, most of the time.

Any specifics you want me to look into, or should I go pick on one specifically? >3

Hey, I know this is 'bout canon stories so far, but is it OK if you give some feedback on my Jayden stories. I'm struggling to get feedback on those, as I live in a different time zone to the majority of this site, and therefore have issues replying and receiving feedback. Hell, right now I feel like that one person who asks the noob question, but seriously!!! I don't think you ever said this was canon only!!!

It’s true, I never did specify it was canon only. Wouldn’t be the first time I worked on a WIF story either, and I can give it a shot. I am currently reading another story right now though, but I can give Jayden a go. I can’t promise a specific time, but i’ll get to it.

Interesting thing happened to me the other day. Someone wrote me a note (somewhat of a criticism) on a story that I posted over at SOL that is stalled. Now I've added about 2500 words to it. It still isn't finished, but it is a lot closer. Everyone is sort of waiting to see what happens with noms and the others of the OC crew!

JG wrote: honestly I am interested in what aspects of the stories people likjed, which they didn't. I'll accept a lot, so long as I don't detect an agenda of malice. Bluntly I'd be happier if I wasn't stuck in writer'sblockville.

Oooohhh. I hate writer's blocks. Those suuuuuuuuuck. Been chopping at mine for a long time. Wish I could help you brainstorm there.

Hrmmm... I may have to look back on some of the stories to get proper examples, I'll admit. I haven't touched nay of your 2nd gen stories either. I'll admit, I prefer the Outcast corner over Murphy, but each have their strong and weak points.

I think I'll have a look back at Small Mercies, I do believe there was some missed opportunities there. Then I'll figure out about which Outcasts and Murphy stories I should use to refresh, and gather my thoughts and comments. It might not be a full step-by-step recap, but I do wish to let you know what I thought. Though you can at least rest easy that it's mostly positive.

Hrm. Maybe I should do a list...

Current to-do list

---

-*Private request* (It was sent by PM, so I do have to do it first)
-Jayden 1 (I'll start at one at least, and do the next part a little later to switch gears)
-JG commentary. (Vague, but I can at least promise that.)

uhhhh.. Polk is reviewing again...*hides my stuff*

Rose Bunny wrote: uhhhh.. Polk is reviewing again...*hides my stuff*

Huh? What's that? *sniff... Sniff sniff sniff* Is that a story? *sniiiiif* A juicy story for me to bite into? Heeee! *w*

*cue happy prancing, a-la Pepe Le Pue*

Hey, all characters, in one way or another are a part of ourselves, no matter how we might wish it otherwise. Yeah, she might be rough and tough, and disagreeable, you might say Caitlin shares a lot of those characteristics in her own way too, but at the same time, she's got a good sense of humor, loyalty, and she's got multiple dimensions. Even when she thought Elaine had betrayed her when she met Tansy, it was understandable. The logic was there. And when she punched Elaine on the nose to push her off, she sees it as a mistake, even though she had a bit of a point.

I don' think you need to push her too far off from you in characterization, and you seem to have already made modifications somewhat, considering how mangled she is.

Otherwise: should I offer a hug? :3

Siiiiiiiiiiiigh.

No.

No.

Nooooooooooooooo.

... No.

Once in a while, I'm happy to hear someone reqesting for feedback, and I'm happy to provide some, try to be critical and contructive, and I realize I can also be negative. I don't like dissapointing people, but at the same time, I have to be honest.

And honestly, I... No. No no. N.O.

... Allright, allright, I'll do it... Seems my muse locked me into the room for this one. I hate to do this to someone who's eager to write, but there's no easy way to do it.

Jayden, 1-6

Yeah, I did say I'd only go through part one, but when compared to other stories I've reviewed, these ones were so short, I did it all in one go. And...

No. I didn't like it. Didn't like it at all.

The gramatical and structure is pretty good, nothing to count against there in absolute (maybe a few typos). I've seen writers who can struggle on that point. The concept can be interesting, and you do have some play, but...

There are three main problems here.

The first part I'll be exploring here is your lack of depth. The way you structured your story is pretty bare-boned. Descriptions and emotions are often skipped, including what could be important story moments. Your supporting cast is barely described and only act in order to support Jayden. There's personalities, but that may be it. There's no serious emotion responses, there's no drama and no real settings. Very often, the parts that are described in details are pretty much meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

The second links to the first in the fact that there's essentially no plot. There's no real opposition to Jayden. If there is, it's taken care of pretty much in a wave of his hand without any efforts. He has no goals. He has no enemies. He doesn't really have a care in the world, by the look of things. There's no struggles, there's no downsides, no plot twists, there certainly isn't anything to cause any trouble.

And that leads to the third problem, and those who know the tropes know what I mean by Mary Sue characters. Jayden definitively falls into that category of Marty Stu. Granted, he's not a god, there are worse out there, but he definitively fits the role. He's at that stage where it's hard to relate to anything to him. Simply put: he's given just about everything for nothing, given praise for everythign he's done, successful at everything, his enemies are nothing to him, and he acomplishes feats that should almost break the Whateley universe in two.

The only fashion where it might work as a story is as a power fantasy for the writer. To show Jaden off, and how awesome he is in using all this gear from nostalgic media. But without any stuggles to go along wiht it, it's the equivalent of posing for your muscles when no one's interested. Like keeping score in a game where the points don't matter. Making a D&D character sheet with all 18s, but no one else to play with. For a reader, it's not interesting.

Jayden himself is an inter-dimensional traveller, able to make portals that lets him cross into alternate realities. More specifially, those from other medias. He's gone through Star Trek, Dr Who, Code Geas, etc. He's also stolen a lot of technology from all these various dimension, and carries them in a backpack, turned bag of holding when he visited D&D. Meaning that at any point, he can pull gadgets from any of those universes, hitting nostalgia for those readers, and fit any situation needed. That alone is already overpowered as heck. Then you can add in the fact that he's got a gadgeteer class of 5, and has a pair of cybernetic arms and cyber implants in his body. It's a pretty overloaded kit as is. Not to forget that he's actually 21 years old, yet looks 16, stuck that way since he started traveling.

Chapter 1 is short. Real short. Incredibly so. There is some dialogue, but a lot of it is simply cut out of it in a summary. There's a writing notion that it's always better to show, not tell, and although there is some show within the dialogue, like the fact that he has a mechanical arm, or that he has portals, a huge chunk of it is told in passing. A whole paragraph tells us about how he's able to go to other universes, and that one is good to expalin something real complex, but then I get to this part here, and I cringed.

A few minutes later, I was sitting in a conference room with Dr. Otto, a man wearing a black security uniform, and another scientist in a labcoat. I had showed them my abilities, and had discovered that I was now unable to travel to another dimension. Dr. Otto said that we were waiting for someone else, and that I should probably give them the full rundown once that person arrived.

Did anyone else spot this? That bit about him being unnable to change dimensions anymore? How did he find that out? How did he react to that? That he might no longer be able to go back home, ever? That something with him might be broken? That he's stranded in another world? And do they try to fix that? Or are they worried that he might try to escape from their dimension with even more stolen technology? I ask here, because this would be a major situation for someone who's been dimension hopping for over five years, yet this is the only sentence we get on this. In fact, he doesn't even seem upset by it, he just goes along with it. More attention is given into describing Sara's physical description when she does a cameo, yet barely says two words, and then is completely dropped from the rest of the stories. It's inconsistent, and leaves a huge chunk of characterisation out. Like there isn't a second thougth given as to why he's stuck there.

We find him first getting dropped at ARC, captured, then when he gets bored, remove his handcuffs, and ports around to escape. Security seems to be pretty lax around the place, considering the warping mutant carrying an arsenal in his backpack... But I let it slide. He's found by Otto, and introductions get started. It's not long, before they decide to enroll him in Whateley.

At first, I let it slide too, considering it's simply to get him to Whateley, but... On second thought, why do they send him out there? He's twenty-one, doesn't need help with his powers, has no guardians, no money, and we later find out he doesn't even need a high-school education. He's not making research for ARC and doesn't seem to be looking for help to get his powers straightened out. Seems he's just there to have fun. That's it... And why's he being put into Melville anyhow? Again, no money. Will be letting that slide for now.

Chapter 1, part 2 is also rather short, but I don't see the same kind of shortcuts here. It's simply short. It focuses on Jayden getting to his dorm.

Now, he does get into a light scuffle with a bully/harasser and saves a girl in the process... In a rather anti-climatic way. He just pulled out a phaser, and knocked him out cold. That's it. What a pushover. (Although now that I think about it, why didn't she just defend herself? She had powers too. Shocking ones, really.)

He then sets himself in his room, and sets up his laptop that is so advanced, the technology of 2006 is primitive to him. That he set himself as administrator of the server (oh, the look on Hartford's face when she finds out, because yes, she would find out someone's hacked her servers). He then meets his roommate, and they hit it off right away, since they're both from Australia.

Chapter 2 is even shorter than chapter 1. Starts off with a discussion between the three friends, when one of the anime fans demands to be allowed in another dimension, anime-based, of course. Even when he says he can't anymore, they won't listen, and demands a duel for the right.

The duel is... Anti-climatic. The opponent uses a motorbike to try and ram Jayden, and Jayden just shoots the tire, crashing the boy, and apprehending him. That's it. That's the entirety of the fight.

Okay, there is a bit more. There's two paragraphs describing how his 'trademark revolver' is 'The Cursed One', and how it uses impact bullets. That it's thanks to that type of bullet that his technique is non-lethal in order to take him down... But that makes no sense. A regular bullet would have done the exact same thing to that tire, the physics don't work, and tossing the guy right off his bike, over the handlebars doesn't really qualify as non-lethal. It's trying to make something sound special for no reason at all.

Moving on to chapter three, which is split into four pieces.

The first one at least has a bit of a moment to reflect on things, which gives a bit more interaction with him and his friends. It's also where we learn that he pretty much has no standard classes outside of History, since he's already gotten all those credits outside of the academy, for some reason. I'm trying not to question it too much right now. At least this talk gets more personality out of his supporting cast.

But then this gets folowed by an overly complicated description of his clothes (and the campus does have a dress code, I believe Ayla even got into trouble for wearing pants instead fo the girl uniform's skirt. Looser than most, but stil present. Coudl be considerred loose by Jayden's standard though.), and this ends part 1.

Chapter 3, Part 2 is where I believe the Mary Sue elements really start to show off. That he's really too good at everything. It begins with Jayden being so good of a shot, that Bardue would believe he has military training, and everyone else after him tries to imitate his results. (Also, his handcannon suddenly went from the First Curse to the 'Last word'?) Following that is his devisor class, and he claims he's able to build a supercomputer the size of a large rat, communicating, and sensing like a human, a holographic disguise and 'able to hack anything' (This last one I question not only on a legal basis, but also the concept itself). At least these two parts can be explained slightly with him being a gadgeteer 5 and all the experiences he had across the dimensions, and his robotic parts giving him an advantage.

But then we get to his introduction to GEO, and I shake my head in disbelief. After a moment ot show off how super-advanced his laptop is, we get seven paragraphs of in-depth character generation description for a Gunslinger archetype character... In a Dark Age fantasy setting. I suppose it is just a game, so suspense of disbelief is fine. Now we really go in depth into how the character creation process goes through, all the way to describing how the menu's icons change their looks when he modifies his stats. That's quite in-depth...

... But when he gets to the actual game, we get one paragraph slightly longer than the description, that he described as '25 minutes of pure badass', where he enters into the city, and goes from zero to adored, and beloved hero, even if he knows nothing of the game, has no ideas of the control, is a level 1 character going up against an army from Apropos Ring. He's randomly given a gun that is legendary, and incredibly high stats, that he can use, and we're told he's able to take down everyone around him with ease, like a one-man army, and gather others around him to fight back. One might say that it was only with the thanks of those other adventurers that he got such good fights, but by the end, they pretty much clamor around him and celebrate him, before he's put as a leader of his own guild. He even gets given a tavern as his base of operation for no cost at all.

25 minutes. Level 1. Decimates all his enemies with ease. Loved by all his allies instantly. Given a legendary weapon right away.

Some of the common traits of a Mary Sue is that they are good at everything, everyone loves them, and are given everything for no reason at all. This fits the bill pretty well. Heck, we even learn early the next chapter that being a Gunslinger is a unique class that's overpowered and only two people on servers will ever have it at a time. Makes him even more special than he already was.

As for that whole fighting scene, we don't get to really see any of it. We're told he did great, told people looked up to him, that he cleared buildings and did guerrilla tactics, but we never get to live through that or see him do it. Just the aftermath. In the end of part 2, it feels cheap.

Chapter 3, Part 3 begins with his friend pretty much explaining how special his gunslinger class is, before Jayden runs off, and runs into three unknown assailants. As with previous fights, there's not much of a fight to be had, this time, courtesy of a tazer system in his robotic arm, the additional information that he has a camera not only in his arm, but in his gun too, and that he is strong enough to throw an unconscious student around. In no time flat though, they just disappear in the darkness, and Jayden mentally sends off an email from his head to security.

The next morning, he's asked to go to Security. No, not to make a report about the attack he's just had, it seems they had a bad encounter with the Bad Seeds, and only one is still human afterwards (Drows? Orcs? Piles of pulsating flesh? Hard to tell with Jobe). So who they were? Why they attacked? Would they ever get another attack on Jayden? Most likely, it'll never happen, never get explored, and that whole attack was pointless filler.

Why was he really called for? He's being given the position of teacher-assistant at the gun range. Why? Because he showed up on his first day, and was so impressive, that Gunny thought he was good enough to get the job.

I will add that as another notch of getting praise an adoration for nothing. Because honestly, he doesn't deserve the job.

I'm not saying he doesn't seem to be a skilled shot. He could be. Then again, Deadeye is most likely an even better shot than he is. A position of assistant though doesn't require to be a skilled shot. It's good, and certainly great for giving pointers to students trying to get better aim or results, but that's not the important part. It's about following regulations and procedures, especially about safety, since lives are at stakes. Jayden has shown none of that. In fact, he's more than happy to get into fights and show off. He's more dangerous than anything else. Then he'd also have to show a willingness to help his classmates get better, but he hasn't shown that either. He was quite willing to just lay back, and watch his other classmates try on their own, until the bell rang. On top of that, part of his benefits of being an assistant would be a wider access to the range. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I'm guessing that includes access to the cages and inventory... To a kid who is already known to steal weapons and technologies from other universes, use them at his own leisure and then run away with them. That's at a subject where in cannon there's already issues with ammo and weapons being whisked off range. Caitlin would have blown a gasket (and a few kneecaps) at the mention at this point.

So Bardue giving him 'the highest praise ever'? I don't really see it. At all.

Then we turn back to devisor class, where he finishes the touches on his robot dog, before it became self-aware. At that point, I'd be tempted to say his gadgeteering skill reaches into devisor levels, considering the size of the bot, and it's capabilities, but it is the point of a high Gadgeteer level after all. It is a bit cute by the way it asks a few times what he is, but Hartford would probably quarantine the thing, and dissect it, to make sure if was properly safe, before even letting it remotely go out on campus, considering her history with Palm.

Now, before I get to the next scene, I take this time to pause, and go back a bit.

Up to this point, I thought the story could still be good. It wasn't exactly exciting, considering how easy he was waltzing through everything, but that could be fixed later on. Better editing, giving more time and exposure to scenes, it could get better. One might even say that the ease of taking down his opponents was just a setup before the real opponents show up to give him trouble. It sets the scene. It might have been overly long, but it could still get better. I was still clinging to hope.

But when you get a character who gets classified as a Mary Sue gets preferential treatment for nothing can be grating, it gets a whole lot worse when they act despicably, and still get rewarded and praised.

This would be the start of it. The point where I started to despise Jayden.

It begins with his first meeting with his guild. After getting everyone silent, he begins his speech.

“I am Fenir, and I am your guildmaster. I do not expect you to like my decisions. But I do expect all of you to follow my orders. Even if they put you in a…unpleasant…situation. Anyone opposed to this, please, stand up.”

A single player hesitantly stood. I looked him over, and casually raised my revolver and shot him through the head. He collapsed, his health completely gone. All the players in the room didn’t squirm, but instead looked defiantly at me. I smiled.

“I see fire in some of your eyes. That’s good. Strength does not come from slavish obedience. It does not come purely from unity, nor from arrogant disobedience. Strength comes from that very fire, that tendacy to resist and rebel. I intend for each of you to train your individualism. This is not a guild that will fight as one. Not in usual situations at least. Each of you will cooperate as much as you can with your fellow guildmembers. If you disagree with my orders, you will find that disobedience strictly dealt with. As a part of this guild, all members will be free to pursue their own paths. You may feel free to ask for help. But, as with anything, help has a price.”

What. The. Fudge?

The first time I saw this, I had to make a double-take. I couldn't quite compute what had happened.

He starts off by saying "If you don't like taking my orders, please stand up."

Then our 'protagonist' shoots him right in the head in a standard supervillain fashion.

Then starts talking about "You see, I don't want you to be my slaves, you can all be independent, be on your own, and do your own thing. We're not going to be fighting as one or anything."

That whole last part was a total lie. A total and utter lie. A poor sales pitch for a supervillain who tries to pass off that he's just murdered another character, then smile, as if nothing happened.

Just take that last part, put it on top, and see if this makes sense. He says that they're all free to do as they want, even leave the guild at their desire...

Yet he just shot the first person to show a single independent, honest thought, and dragged his nameless corpse out in the ditch.

Action speaks louder than words and a body has a whole lot of consequences. That makes that whole speech a load of bull dropping.

That's not the act of a hero, let alone someone to be celebrated.

It's the act of a tyrant trying to fake a friendly smile, do as little ruling as he can, while excusing random executions.

This from a boy who was given everything with zero efforts.

So my opinion of him after I re-read that passage: "What a pretentious little prick."

Now, granted, this was only a game, and maybe he was just playing a role, since he was playing on the evil side. Maybe he was just a little on the nose on the roleplaying aspect.

... But we'll get back on that.

Part 4 begins with Jayden finding his little puppy AI at his computer, trying to get into things, and worried his little creation might have reprogrammed itself, tries to teach it a better way of thinking, teaching it his philosophy of living, reasons for living, and so forth, and it might even be inspiring, though feeling like it was something ripped right out of a self-help book.

But then it all seems rather pointless when it turns out the way the bot was acting, it as all a silly joke.

He then finds out a video online showing that while he was sleeping, his guild in GEO was burned down and his character kidnapped, with a message calling him out.

My expectations at this point? "Oh boy. That's some trouble, isn't it? Surely, this must be why the whole part is named after the MMO. This must be the big part of this story, his climax, his struggle to get free, maybe get rescued by his guild members that look up to him, and an epic struggle against someone much more experienced in the game to form a much more equal footing to his unbalanced power. Maybe being such a legendary class in the MMO has its own risks and notoriety once the word comes around. This is where things get better in the story, right?"

The reality? Jaden shruggs: "I can't be bothered with this. Biskit, hack the game, and port my character out."

In other words, turning a perfectly good setup into a total anti-climax. Won't even see the guy, won't even face them, won't even bother to log in. I won't even question the logic of 'hacking GEO is impossible' thing, just the act here is ad enough as is.

As if to rub salt in the wound, his little bot, for some reason, finds that he should apply revenge along with that (how it found pleasure in revenge, let alone laughter, is questionable alone). During its hacking, it took the character that kidnapped his gunslinger, turned it from a male bandit king on the evil side, to a female bard prostitute on the side of good.

And Jayden just laughs at that like it was the funniest thing in his life.

At this point, I was furious. I wished for Jayden to be taken down a peg or two. It turned Jayden into a full-blown bully that needed to be taught a lesson. That pinned down the mental picture I had for Jayden. Actions speak louder than words, no matter what kind of speech he might tell.

When he was faced with an actual challenge or opposition, he'll never really face it. He'll just cheap his way out like the rules don't apply to him, and the universe written for him won't give him any consequences for his actions. Heck, considering how he's been hopping through dimensions for the past five years, never coming back home, he might just be getting away from any troubles he had, escaping consequences through his portals every time. We already know he's been chased away by heroes multiple times, and there might be real good reasons for it.

Heck, at this point, I sympathized more with his kidnapper than anything else. He might have just been playing the game by its rules, and following his evil role. He might have been following a quest for all we know. He'd have spent hours and hours to build up what he had, and it all got wiped away by a brat who just didn't care.

That's what Jayden is. There's a theory that a lot of people who enjoy comic books, if they had superpowers, they wouldn't be heroes, they'd be more like Magneto. They'd abuse their powers, feel superior and go on power fantasies. That's Jayden in a nutshell and so far, he has no real opposition. Reading the following chapters, I saw nothing that changed that opinion.

But back to the story, where we end this chapter by introducing another character in a power theory class, one that was mentioned to join in their sim team. Now instead of introducing who she is, her personality or what she's doing in school, we get a class presentation of her power set... Which is both overpowered, and breaking a few laws and realities of the rules set in the Whateley universe.

To go over said power set, Isabelle has power ratings of 4 in Exemplar, Wizard and Esper ratings. For some reason, Dr Quintain claims she has a 'Paradox of 12', where she can take the ratings of her powers ratings and put them to one of her other aspects. Meaning she can drop two of her mutant stats to 0 in order to raise one of the three to a level of 12. It does mean that if she drops those ratings lower, she gets handicapped on those aspects, like doping her IQ in her esper rating is 0. This is how it's described to us within the story.

I'm afraid it doesn't really work this way.

I'd start by mentioning that there are no ratings reaching all the way to 12. At most, 7 is what you'd hear about, and that's based on info in the wiki. Heck, wizards even just at 7 are known to self-destruct, and those are the kinds that have experience and knowledge. So reaching 12 is ridiculous.

But even the logics of this 'Paradox 12' doesn't pan out. Its basis is centered about the rating system of those powers, but those ratings are only class arrangements, readings done by organisations. Yes, those ratings are used internationally to classify mutants, but used this way makes them sound like they're characters on an RPG character sheet where you can just mix and match, min and max. If you think for a moment, if there really was a rating of twelve, just the fact that she can reach those levels wouldn't qualify her as 4-4-4, it'd be noted down as 12-12-12. Those reading measure her limits of her powers, not just her base.

It doesn't mean that a character can't become weaker by pushing a specific power by it, but your explanations don't really fit. And now, we have yet another character who's technically overpowered.

I will say at least that the interactions with Biskit are at least cute, the way it innocently asks questions about human interaction, and Jayden gets all embarrassed about it. That was at least entertaining to read about.

Now on to chapter 4, which is their sim team's match against the Grunts.

Before I go on describing this chapter, I'll take a moment here to mention a few things about Mary Sues. I always found it was a lot easier to notice the Mary factor in fanfics, mostly because they have a measuring stick to go up against: the canon materials. It the actual characters under perform, or play rightly out of character to what the readers is accustomed to, they will notice it right away, and they will be critical of that. In fact, they might be very, very angry to the way their beloved characters are treated, and it may be the biggest reason why the Sues are hated as much as they are: not just because they make boring characters, but they feel like a straight up attack or insult to the characters we love.

This is what it feels like with the Grunts here and this simulation.

The Grunts have a reputation. They are mostly undefeated int he sims. It's HARD to take them down, considering the hours they put into this training, the military training they go through, and the familiarity of the tactics they have, not to forget the weaponry they use on a daily basis.

But here, they get taken down by a team of first-timers who have no evident real world training or action. Granted, it's the closest thing to a struggle Jayden had to give, but their team had no casualties, and Jayden himself took down half the Grunts on his own.

Even with that criticism, it's still one of the better plotted chapters here. There's actual preparations for the fight. They have a team meeting, they go over the members of the Grunts (most of them) and their powers, and we do see Jayden getting his gear examined by the SIM people.

... Though I will note that suddenly, Jayden has two robotic arms, while in the previous stories, he only had one, mentioning he'd blocked a blow from his biological arm. May want to keep your consistency straight.

Now as the sim starts, we get a description of all the shiny weaponry, armor, and matching longcoats they all have... Even if most of that weaponry is essentially inconsequential outside of Jayden's Predators... Although I do question the wisdom of Ivy, the one who can channel lightning, to carry belts of grenades that might ignite under the electricity she creates. I also question the longcoats, since it seems they already have armor on. It'd just make them hotter and heavier all around.

The fight begins when bullets rain down over the newbie team, and they run for cover, somehow not mowed down by the gunfire, followed by Bomber throwing his plasma bombs, and missing the pinned down team somehow, with blasts that should be able to take out buildings when he wants to.

Of course, smart thing to do would be to flank them, and Jayden, being a teleporter, is perfect to go behind them. He catches them off-guard, while reloading their weapons, and begins shooting. Pushing aside that describing the action of reloading his revolvers takes almost just as much time as that scene as a whole, Breaker goes down quick, but Mule lasts a little longer, throwing Jayden through a plaster wall, and punching him right in the face... Before Jayden pops out a pair of blades from his robotic arms, and kills Mule that way.

Now this just seems uncharacteristic out of the duo for a few reasons. I'll admit I'm not the most familiar with military tactics, but catching both of them, while reloading? Especially considering Mule tends to go with belt-fed heavy machineguns he can just haul around? And considering they would also have had the chance to study their opponents on the match, they would have known they had a teleporter, and would have had a backup to protect their flank. None of that here.

But then again, this could be just a lucky shot. Unlikely, but possible.

What I don't really believe though, is how Mule went down. The blows he would have given on someone who wasn't an exemplar, or a regenerator should have at least done some damage (at least this was SOME damage to Jayden, finally), although the armor does protect, I doubt a single punch to his head would have protected his neck from breaking. But even if I could believe that didn't outright kill Jayden, how Jayden killed Mule makes little sense too, since Mule's power is a very powerful TK field. One known to be able to take tank shells head-on. So those retractable blades should have bounced off, or broken at the weakest point, be it the blade, the switchblade mechanism, the elbow joint, or the shoulder join popping off. It doesn't make sense that Jayden took him down this way.

But then we hop right off into the ridiculous, when Jayden decides to hunt down Bunker and Deadeye... By using a mecha. Specifically the Lancelot from Code Geas. How he was able to pull that out of his bag of holding, I don't know, since I doubt he could have even fit an arm into the opening, let alone the whole frame. Technically, there is a way, but it is explained in another story instead. Someone just wanted a cool mecha there.

Of course, being about as subtle as a bull in a china shop, he gets the attention of the two, and they begin shooting him from the rooftops... And miss. Odd, considering that Deadeye's power is pretty much 'this guy can't miss a proper shot'. Jaydn then proceeds to run up a building, and run where the duo are (rather than teleporting there with the mecha, which he can), when his mecha gets shot down by one of Bunker's rockets. How he knew he couldn't get away from the rocket is anyone's guess, but he ported out on that rooftop, and cornered the two of them... With only Bunker getting a shot on, and Deadeye doing sweet f*** all. For some reason, they don't kill the duo outright, because of a PFG (Which, for some reason, Breaker didn't have), and rather surrounds them, and forces them to surrender.

Now, I'm going to nitpick again here, since once more, there's a clear lack of research and knowledge of the characters involved here. I've already mentioned Deadeye's accuracy being so good he shouldn't have been able to miss... But I also want to point Bunker out too. In your 'research' material, they mentioned she was good with explosives and an exemplar, and 'no other special powers of note'. That is flat-out false, since Bunker is actually a Package Deal Psychic. Her favorite trick? Her "Fog of War" effect that heavily disorients everyone affected by it. Especially someone on the same rooftop as her. So when Jayden woudl have landed on the roof, he might have gotten one shot off, before crashing to the ground, head spinning, and filling his helmet with barf, not to mention their fliers being unable to keep her levitation under control and crashing to the ground, floors bellow.

So all of this together makes for a fight that ignores key abilities of the opposing team in order to make Jayden's team look unstoppable. Correction, nearly unstoppable. He did get his mecha blown up, and Bardue did berate them... But Bardue berates everyone, and again, it's a newbie team taking down experienced, military members without a loss on their team. It's the closest thing Jayden has come to an actual struggle, and yet still feels like cheap writing.

Moving on to chapter 5... And this story is pretty much pointless.

The first part of this one involves the team deciding to play a game of Shadowrun. Being impatient, the players don't want to know too much of the settings, and just want to play... Causing them not to understand much of the setting, it seems.

We get a description of a setting for the game, a description of each players and their abilities... And then the night is over.

Don't expect to have any of this information to matter or to come up again either. Because the whole other half of this chapter is dedicated to them moving to the library, right as a heist begins. So all of the shadowrun details? Meaningless.

As for the heist, the setup might have sounded nice, but I could tell just by the sidebar that it wasn't going to last. And as usual, they are taken down in no time, and this chapter is over.

The end of the chapter tries to hint that there might be more to that story, but considering there's GEO and the attacks on campus that were picked up, and dropped off like hot potatoes, I have my doubts. And chapter 6 does not follow up on this story at all either.

Chapter 6 begins with... Pretty much spoiling most of the story right there and then.

I had just made a business transaction, destroyed a potential terror threat, and managed to get filthy rich all in the space of a single day. In retrospect, the detention I had just received from Carson was kinda a damper on my good mood. But, there was a story to all of the above things…

Can I just leave this chapter at that?... No, I have to do the whole thing?... All right.

It begins with him trying to make a deal with a few international power to sell a plane he's built (more like stole the various designs off other fictional ships, and patched them together), and sell those off at 300 million dollars each. What makes his plane special? It can fight into higher atmosphere and into space. So many powers together might even make competition, or sell even more too, after all.

Now, his scheme doesn't quite go as well as planned. Mostly, because space has an international treaty that makes it that space is a no-war zone. Even more so, since there are so many international powers present, if even one might buy one, it might show proof that they'd be willing to violate such treaties, so this whole deal is a no-go...

But then again, we just got at the start of this story that it doesn't end there, that he did, after all, get a deal out of this.

We do get a little fake-out by going to the present, and...

Until now, Alex had been bankrolling the Black Knights, our training team. He was a self-professed entrepreneur, with a small online business selling custom tee shirts. His customers included several students... He made quite a lot of money off the shirts...

... Erm... Why? Why does he have shirt of his team? Why are they selling? Was there anything they did that was actually special? Because again, this seems to be more ego-stroking than anything they ever earned.

Back to the military base, suddenly, the terrorist attack happens, and deciding to be a 'hero', he hops on his own place, and shoots all the aircraft that were in the air.

The fight is pretty much as exciting as him pressing a single button to destroy every ships in one go. In other words, a bit underwhelming, as usual.

... On second thought, how did he know that they were enemies in those aircraft? How did he know those weren't friendly fighters that he killed in cold blood? And why wouldn't the anti-aircraft defenses of the base not shoot him down too? After all, he's not an authorized pilot, and clearly was not given clearance to fly those skies. Heck, until a few minutes beforehand, that ship wasn't even in the area. I'm asking a lot of questions here.

But then, the main villain of the attack stole an experimental ship, and Jayden makes an offer to the officials: Buy my ship, and I make sure he doesn't get away.

“Colonel. I see you have a asset being stolen. I see three options here. First, I do nothing more than what I’ve done, and your asset gets away. Second, I destroy your asset, and you lose a whole lot of money. Third, I destroy your asset, and you buy my craft instead.”



“Mister Reynolds, if you destroy that craft, then I will personally buy two thousand units. Count on that. I see the other delegates agree with me???”



A chorus of muffled agreements in different languages came over the communications line. I grinned.

Erm... Why would the others agree on this deal? At all? Because to them, this experimental ship means nothing to them, and the villain is pretty much taking an experimental plane away from their rivals. So why?... In fact, the main man could say that that agreement was null and void, since it was made under duress from an unauthorized civilian. Heck, there might even be an investigation to see if he wasn't part of the terrorists to theatre the whole thing to see his invention.

Then we get two lyrics from songs to try and distract us that the fight is once more, done in an instant. There's no chase, there's no excitement, dog fighting, or anything remotely clever. It's just punching holes in a plane, and tasering the bad guy in a single minor paragraph.

And now, Jayden proclaims he's a billionaire.

In other words, Deus Ex Machina is the reason he even has a sale on this. Random luck made it so. The world, once more, gives him everything.

That is the end of the sixth chapter of this ten-part of Jayden's story. It hasn't been a good read, I'll be honest. When it's not underwhelmingly boring, it's frustrating to watch Jayden breeze through everything. There's no goals, there's no struggle, there's no growth, relationships, danger or urgency. There's barely an emotional attachment.

This story only works as a power fantasy. Of watching Jayden waltz effortlessly across everything he runs to. For him to show how awesome he is, and the universes he references.

If that's what you wana write, you can go ahead, enjoy what you want.

But for a reader, it really wasn't entertaining. In fact, when Jayden started acting like a villain or a bully, it made me hate him, and all he got. It was even insulting when I saw characters I know and cared about being taken advantage by him. I doubt I'm the only fan who read it this way either, and if anyone would read this story, it'd be other fans of the serie.

What you have so far is what I'd consider a Marty Stu. So powerful and talented, no one can challenge him.

It's not unusual to have a powerful character or someone who's victorious. After all, heroes tend to succeed, but unless there's a matching danger to it, it's ultimately boring. My biggest tip for you is to actually make something that matters. Someone strong enough or clever enough to actually give him a challenge. Something that won't just get resolved in a paragraph. Have someone steal his backpack, and his his own stash of gear against him. Have someone actually find out he's been hacking, and get him in trouble that way. Heck, how many companies would sue him for copyright infringement? Have someone actually go toe-to-toes against him. Or even anything with some emotional attachment to it.

You've got some talent in describing things, you seem to actually go for it when you want to, but it's all over the place. It's especially little when actual action happens. It's almost like the writer has just lost interest in the plot, and wants to do something else, but they have so much invested so far, they can't just give it up. So they just rush the action scene to get it over with to continue the next project.

I can't relate to Jayden. I can't even care for him. There's nothing to really care about him. Or if there was, there's nothing exposing that, or showing that off. He's just a random guy who's on the run, given a place to stay and does whatever the fudge he wants. It's not like he's going to get any repercussions for anything or cares about anyone. It's all just a game to him.

I believe you can do better than this. Much better. I've read much better stories and fanfics, I'll be honest.

Yeah...I predicted it would be this bad. I haven't said this before, but even I don't like the character. He's not a self-insert, but a rehash of a terrible character that I invented when I was 13. That was the most accurate criticism I have ever heard. Yes, I gave him everything, and yes, he's really-really unlikeable. The stories are not something I list as my best writing. Though, it could be worse. Like, my immortal worse. Though that's like saying that dying from poison is better than dying from cancer.

But really??? The amount of effort I put into the character and the story shows in the horrifically mangled outcome. I actually didn't expect the character to be this bad, but I do admit that the concept COULD have been good IF I had put more effort and more thought into it. In retrospect, I've got some extremely good stories elsewhere on the net, but this one??? It ain't one of them.

Polk Kitsune wrote: The second links to the first in the fact that there's essentially no plot. There's no real opposition to Jayden. If there is, it's taken care of pretty much in a wave of his hand without any efforts. He has no goals. He has no enemies. He doesn't really have a care in the world, by the look of things. There's no struggles, there's no downsides, no plot twists, there certainly isn't anything to cause any trouble.

I think that may be one set of the problems with many multi-fandom cross-over stories, in that there's often no concrete reason for the imported character(s) to be where they are. Once they're there anyway, they've managed to leave all their old enemies and bill collectors behind. They've also left everything else behind.

That doesn't mean they can't be good stories, but those I've enjoyed go into the consequences of having the characters as people interact with each other and each other's world/worldview.

Polk Kitsune wrote:

A few minutes later, I was sitting in a conference room with Dr. Otto, a man wearing a black security uniform, and another scientist in a labcoat. I had showed them my abilities, and had discovered that I was now unable to travel to another dimension. Dr. Otto said that we were waiting for someone else, and that I should probably give them the full rundown once that person arrived.

Did anyone else spot this? That bit about him being unable to change dimensions anymore?

Given that my OCs, Metro and Valravn, started off from a Sixth World analog and still do some traveling, yes. Because the WU allows for mutant power-based, magical, and technological teleportation and transdimensional travel, that does come across as a nerf. I expect that Jayden found out via one of the usual ways that his power wasn't working so well: attempt to go grab some improbable object, but either nothing happens or something bad happens (getting splinched in a bad apparate, transporter malfunction, etc.)

The larger thematic problem is that Jayden could jump into and back out of universes governed by physics which doesn't allow teleportation. Shadowrun's Sixth World is one of those, unless one knows the places where a person can step from the "real world" to Faerie and vice versa.

Polk Kitsune wrote: He then meets his roommate, and they hit it off right away, since they're both from Australia.

It's all that vegemite and grilled shrimp they eat down there.

Polk Kitsune wrote: But then this gets followed by an overly complicated description of his clothes (and the campus does have a dress code, I believe Ayla even got into trouble for wearing pants instead of the girl uniform's skirt. Looser than most, but still present. Could be considered loose by Jayden's standard though.), and this ends part 1.

I don't recall Ayla getting into trouble for wearing pants, but some students may have questioned him doing so because the reason for the practice isn't obvious. Kayda has been called out by Hartford over her clothing choices.

Polk Kitsune wrote: Why was he really called for? He's being given the position of teacher-assistant at the gun range. Why? Because he showed up on his first day, and was so impressive, that Gunny thought he was good enough to get the job.

This is almost a problem with the early in-story descriptions of how Whateley Academy operates. Scholarship students are expected to have a work-study job and that is important to Jade's, Billie's, and Nikki's stories.

Polk Kitsune wrote:

Until now, Alex had been bankrolling the Black Knights, our training team. He was a self-professed entrepreneur, with a small online business selling custom tee shirts. His customers included several students... He made quite a lot of money off the shirts...

... Erm... Why? Why does he have shirt of his team? Why are they selling? Was there anything they did that was actually special? Because again, this seems to be more ego-stroking than anything they ever earned.

Maybe they sell at an immense markup because he's replacing the fabric sizing with cocaine. Oh, how the money rolls in!

---

CrazyMinh wrote: Yes, I gave him everything, and yes, he's really-really unlikeable. The stories are not something I list as my best writing. Though, it could be worse. Like, my immortal worse. Though that's like saying that dying from poison is better than dying from cancer.

Whether it's realistic or not, I think that with a character that's been given hefty advantages many readers expect the character to either give back to society a similar value in return or suffer some sort of karmic balancing. Likeability is more of a YMMV thing because different readers do have differing temperaments and preferences. They'll be turned off or on by different characters' personalities. The best you can do is give the readers some reasons to give a damn about the character as a person.


As far as "could be worse" goes: Have you ever read Marvel Comics' 2017-2018 series, "America"? Someone got paid to do that.

Jayden could be retooled as a DEV that understands they're a Warper+Paragon or whatever. As that's what they are, canonically.

Change the source of tech, add some failures, limit versitility, but maybe burnout the Warper component, and land at Whateley or something. ... They were already registered, but wanted a flashy entrance and boosted their Warper bit to get Teleport somehow.

Been trying to find the Jayden Thread. Failing. Is there none?

Huh. I'll admit, not the reaction I was expecting. But at least you seem aware of what you were posting. My question then becomes: why did you post it up as it is? Why didn't you improve on it.? Why didn't you put more work in?

Malady, I believe you might not be finding a comment thread is because CrazyMihn didn't post anything in the fabrication labs. The only comment thread I found was whateleyacademy.net/index.php/forum/md-1...er-discussion-thread .

Which is another point, I suppose. By what I can see, you posted your story straight into the WhatIF section, rather than the fabrication labs. I believe you're more likely to get comments and criticism there first. WhatIF is usually meant for finished, completed, works.

null0trooper, the first part you mentioned is partly true, but only if the plot point is based on the background of the imported character. There are other characters in the universe that he can get in touch with, and care about, or even the fact that he might be looking for a way home, break his inability to warp back. That's just a few possibilities, but we don't see that here.

As for the fact that he can't teleport anymore, it may be simple to assume, but then why isn't it described in story? Why isn't it explored, and why doesn't it have an impact on him emotionally?

As for having the job, he wasn't given it for needing a job. In fact, they straight out say that he doesn't get paid for it. And if he is on a scholarship, why is he in Melville, the rich kid dorm? And no, he doesn't have family ties to put him there either.

Maybe they sell at an immense markup because he's replacing the fabric sizing with cocaine. Oh, how the money rolls in!

And now I know you're toying with me. =w=; Since you know it's be so much easier if it was made out of weed.

As for bad comics, you can look at Linkara's list of many, many bad comics he reviewed, and see what kind of horrible comics people were paid for.

Mmm. I missed that thread, even though I posted in it a week ago. *facepalm*

----

Back to reviews. ... Not sure, but not all Melville kids are rich? ... Yep? Superchick rooms with Jadis, in Melville. Unless Superchick is rich??

All Melville residents: crystalhall.wikia.com/wiki/Category:Melville_Cottage

Malady wrote: Back to reviews. ... Not sure, but not all Melville kids are rich?

While a number of the kids are quite well off, Melville isn't restricted to rich kids. Think of it more as the dorm of the "A List" crowd. You know, the popular kids in school? The sports jocks, the cheer leaders, they'd be in Melville. While money certainly helps, its not the only requirement to get in.

Even so, it's not quite that simple. I mean, Bravo is there, isn't he? And Bravo has no charisma, no status, no brains and apparently no money or taste either (else he would wear something better as his costume). It's not like the school chooses the "elite" for Melville -- quite a few of the school powers (Phase and Thuban for starters, and Tansy as a wannabe) are in other cottages.
It's more like the school tends to put in Melville the students who are overly concerned with intra-school politics -- even if they are bad at it (like Bravo), unless there's a good reason for placing them elsewhere. The Sorting Hat algorithm must go somewhat like this:
1. Special Needs go to Hawthorne. Period.
2. Other GSD cases go to Whitman and Twain. Period.
3 "Alternate sexualities" and gender benders go to Poe... if the school is aware of their status.
4. Nerds go (mostly) to Emerson, girly girls go (mostly) to Dickinson. Not a strong rule, but noticeable.
5. Students who play the "school politics" go to Melville. Also, not a strong rule.
6. The remainder "generic" students are distributed among Melville, Dickinson, Whitman, Twain and Emerson according to the availability of room in each cottage.

All right. Since JG was curious as to why I never jumped at his stories, I thought I might as well give it a go, and go back on a bit of a retrospective a bit. Not going too far, but making a quick overview, and revisiting one of the story I thought could use some good improvements.

Overall, I've always liked JG's stories. They're fun to read. They have a mix of comedy, drama, and interesting situations all around. The Outcast corner are lively, funny, inventive, wild, and don't let their problems drag them around. They're fighters, and although I could say they're a little 'too successful' at times, it never really fell into heavy Mary Sue territory. They have trouble, they have trauma, and we know they get shit on quite a bit. They're turning their lives around though, and smiling through what they can.

Jericho is great to watch in action. For him, he's overcome his handicap, he's making the most of it, and his bad fashion sense is his bit of revenge to those who would mock him, while drawing attention away from his friends. Since he's overcome that, he support those around him instead (even if they force him to eat 'healthier'). He's willing to help others with what he's got, only turning his pranks meaner on people who would deserve a bit of punishment. Even his specialty in gadgets is around first aid. So yes, I'd cheer him on.

Razorback... Well, who can say no to this jolly raptor? I'll admit though, it feels like we've been introduced to him in the middle of his character arc. We's already been changed for a while, he's already been named the Detention King, and he's already on the path to recovery, with his best friend Jericho there. We haven't seen his transformation, how it affected him emotionally, the hunt at first, and how he had to adjust at the academy at first, including having to learn sign language, the harassment and the rager aspect. It's all told second-hand, and it does paint a picture, but what we mostly see is a jolly raptor with his buddy, and things are getting better. You gotta cheer for the big dino.

Diamondback is a little less clear, though the more complex of the original trio. She's the big sister, making sure the two others are kept in check, yet also roped in their shenanigans. She's capable, smart, and capable of quite a few things... Even if it's a bit confusing with her second spirit and all. There is also the fact that she used to be a boy, but... Until the story outright told us she used to be one, I never would have guessed she used to be one. It didn't really come up, and doesn't show in her character. Guess she's got other, bigger, more pressing issues than the feminine aspect of her new life. She's a bit stage-shy with her singing, and I can understand her nervousness, but part of me would like to hear her sing too.

The Fury twins... We see the least about, I'm afraid. They're not technically part of the Outcast group, considering they're not part of their SIM team, but they still hang about. They've been hit hard, and you feel sorry for them all the way. They're victims of their own bodies, made even worse with Jobe's machinations, even if they turn into horrors at the wrong moments.

Which then leads me into Phobos' death and how sudden it was. It feels like it came out of nowhere and just struck. It does sound like that was done on purpose: that story-wise, yeah, it was pure chance and timing. It's a tragedy, and just a luck of the draw... Bad luck, but still luck. At that point, I started to wonder if her death was necessary for the story. I took a step back from the fourth wall, and wondered what her death added to the story. Was it to allow Deimos to be more active and available story-wise? To fit more with the Outcasts? To make the Fury this new fusion element? I do question that. But I will at least say that the death had a full-on impact on Deimos, and the trauma was given the attention it deserved in this situation.

And then we have the Outcast that we have the most information on: Caithlin. Reading her story, and what happened to her was fascinating, I'll admit. Though I think I may have started reading about Mahren on a story written more as a prequel to the first time he was introduced (I could be wrong), since I got to read the stories in the timeline order. It did give a good look on how the man worked, part of his past, and how his daily life was arranged. That although he might be considered an asshole, his mentality was always for the good and safety of the kids, and we got to see from that point of view, even if it might feel he pushed a bit far at times.

Then comes around Halloween, the death of his fiance, and the man just crumbles. Not without reason, of course. You don't get over that in a snap. And when we find out all the stuff he went through, and his fiance was his one moment of happiness, before she got snuffed out, and all he's left with is all the baggage he has. At least, after a while, he's able to pull himself back up from that, and you have to look up to him for it.

But then comes testing, and turning into Caithlin... When you thoughts things couldn't get any worse, Murphy's law tends to find a way to screw everything up. Not only does she have to deal with being a girl now, but being a being that's dangerous, with her own mental baggage through history, and then dangerous just being close to. It's another pile of trouble and trauma waiting to happen. Powers may be nice and all, but in her case, it's a whole new boatload of issues. Then you add in that she actually this rare being that has often being enslaved, and she might be sharing that same fate: a will-less puppet under someone's influence, making weapons and tools no one should have. Some students know it, and already tried to take her over. That's chilling to the bone, and I was tense more than a few times during that storyline... Which didn't help, when Caithlin knew her only way out was her own markings, and she needed to figure it out... And that got delayed, and delayed, and delayed, yet we never see, or experience Caithlin's struggle into finding a solution. She just goes on to other things. It was fine at the beginning, she couldn't get close to anyone, but later on, it felt like it dragged out the solution just for the sake of giving everyone who could take her to have a swing at the bat... And then we have the other issue about the many years hiatus on a cliffhanger that we finally got. I'll admit, I expected more out of the conclusion of her tattoo: it was dramatic, no question about it, but I expected a struggle, or more plot to happen, maybe a disturbance. It felt a little short... But my complaints are minimal, at best.

Caithlin's personality is abrasive a bit, and rash, but still a good person in the grand scheme of things. She's loyal to friends, and cares about the kids too. She's got lots of trauma, and may get distant at it because of it, especially with her history. She's violent at times, and even enjoys it, but knows a lot of control to funnel it in proper ways. I should be disapproving of the way she acts at times, a lot more than usual, but she tends to do it against assholes in the first place, so it feels mighty justified, be it corrupt security personnel or evil students. She tries not to let herself get down, and when things gets hard, she just picks herself up, and tries not to mope. Key word on trying.

She's a blast to read about, honestly, and I love to read about her.

Which brings me around to a character who has a very similar feeling to Caithlin: Murphy. When I say similar, I mean personality-wise. Both of them can turn to be violent, neither of them will mope, and will rather let out steam other ways, and neither of them take... I'm searching for a better expression here, and failing... But neither of them will let them get shit on and take it quietly. They will scream out, struggle, and if it calls, break something or someone in retaliation.

But where Caithlin has a more tempered take, being experienced, drilled in the military and taking care of the students/kids, Murphy is one of those kids, and for her, it's a dog-eat-dog world. If you're not a loyal friend, insult her, and you will face the end of her hockey stick. Thanks to her power, she's often faced with life-threatening situations and thanks to her regen, she's walked away from those (maybe with a limp, but it never stick). At the same time though, she knows she's only one bad accident away from dying at any moment, so might as well live life at it's fullest with all the risks. That does mean though that she lashes out a lot, and is grumpy or angry quite a bit. That paints the picture of her very often. She might not always mean it, but it often comes across that way. She's not trying to be evil or be bad, but she's a ball of wound up frustration that lets off steam the few ways she can.

What that leads to though, is a lot of enemies, a lot of people on campus not liking her, and worse and worse situations, making her mood snowball in response. The BIT-Slicer incident making things even worse for her now too. The world often feels like things get worse for her, and I do feel sorry for her, the frustration must be incredible... But I can't say I root for her all the time either. She's impulsive at times, which is both interesting, yet it's hard to relate to her when she hits the wrong person for the wrong reason.

Still, she's interesting, and I do wonder in which direction you'll take her.

That brings me around to Anomaly, and... As much as I do like the idea and concept, being the newest member of the Outcast, I wish I had more material to work with her. There is one solo story with her, how she got transformed, and reunited with her brother/sister, but there's a few things that seem lacking in my opinion, and stories afterwards don't really have her take a spotlight enough to give her a more solid characterization, especially within the group of the Outcasts, or even Whateley in general, since it seems she kept herself locked into the basement for a long time.

And that's why I want to give a bit of a spotlight to Small Mercies, because I think there was a big missed opportunity here.

We quickly get introduced to Matt Carter, a young boy whose twin brother had 'dissappeared', partly due to his own fault, but mostly thanks to an angry mom with a mutant-hating pastor.

Now, I'll admit, I'm not exactly too good with names, and with all the stories I've read, I can't remember all the names out there, so the name Matt Carter didn't ring any bells right away. Thankfully, to fix that up, he makes a quick search for his brother's name, and Diamondback comes up as one of the results, but since the name is Sandra, he doesn't connect the dots. He doesn't realize that his brother had swapped genders. It's something only the reader would catch on, and we get to see Matt actually see his sister on TV, and not recognize her. So we get a little section of... Concern? Frustration? Both? All about how close he is to his sibling without realizing it.

This would be the central crisis of this story, or at least the introduction. We get to see the trauma of a family who's had a runaway, lost a child, and worse, whose mother and father think their child 'disappeared', when it was actually their child they chased away. Matt knows otherwise though, and just to pour salt on the wound, he's part of the reason things got so bad... And then, he also has the worry that there's a big chance that along with his twin, he might also be a mutant, and when (not if) he manifests, his family and neighbors might turn on him the very same way.

You have right there a tense situation with the family involved, and although Matt might be a mite paranoid and looking up information on the net that could be wrong or even planted, you still have the reader engaged from the get-go.

But then comes the medallion he was given, and the first criticism I could give. "Hi, I'm a mysterious lady, giving you a magical pendant, that you will figure out on your own, and is kinda important." It's a bit... Too convenient, one might say. Almost Deus Ex Machina. Like this plot was forced itself in, like a wedge, and it all just fell in place for convenience's sake. But then again, it's not like getting random powers because you're a mutant is any different, and it might be a leadup to all that ancient mythos we've seen with the Outcast corner. I criticize it, but I don't exactly have an answer to fix it either, and I realize sometimes things have to happen, even if a bit awkward. I can only mention my feelings and impressions on the matter.

This does give a bit of a new issue for Matt though. To give this new spirit a hand in this 'assisted suicide' or 'freeing her from this prison' part, and get him involved in the whole affair. Yes, he'd gain powers, and he was promised freedom, but when the Fae are concerned, they can be very literal, the twist is in the details... And there's always a twist.

But he does go through with it, preparing as much as he can, and in a fashion, it's not only to give her closure, but also to manifest under his own terms. Not in the middle of the night, or in the middle of church, where he could be hunted down. It'll happen isolated from everyone else, and he'll have a chance to settle on it all.

I will also note that since the Fae are involved in this, I kept thinking back to Fey and her own spirit, though this one was more damaged, and with memory gaps.

The process is long, surely, but he does complete the ritual, turning into Monica. It was an interesting transformation though, being beautiful and a girl now, but also the extra arms and being a hermaphrodite. She wasn't exactly Fey, but still Fae. (In fact, considering the multiple arms and hermaphrotism, I might link it back to some of the Hindu gods. Someone correct me on this if I'm wrong, but I heard there's a lot of these with those two traits?) I would have expected shock at being turned into a girl, uncomfortable with the new form and shape, while being clumsy with those many arms... But Monica gets spared all this, maybe by a mental remnant from the spirit. Lucky for her, though it might have been amusing to see her struggle, or react more to the transformation.

Instead, she's more upset with the person who got her the gem, and starts demanding some help from the fae. She's in trouble, after all. She's can't go back home now. There's no way. And without a home, she has to find some way to deal with all this. So she asks for help to find her brother, getting us back to the central 'quest' of the story. The help is cryptic, to say the least, but help it is...

And here, I'll have to mention that I was a bit disappointed by the 'five possible outcomes'. One being good, the rest, not so much, including slavery and death. It does give a foreboding feeling of dread, that there's big danger to come, and she'll have to be careful... But it's never really clear when those 'five outcomes' might have happened. There is one hint, one sensation mentioned about it, but it's never clear which choices would have led to what fate... Which works as a double-edged blade: being so unclear makes it that during the whole episode of Monica being under the MCO's 'care' full of dread and worry for her, but it also leaves the warning like a loose thread that never gets resolved, and just fades away.

But for the following parts, that dread feeling does work. We've seen MCO agents try to kidnap young mutants before, and Monica isn't exactly in control of her faculties either. She's a danger, and although we know she's got good intentions, being arrested, detained and questioned does invoke a lot of fears. Pile in on top of that the fear of being returned to her parents only to be killed by the mob and that pastor, and Monica has some real trouble in her hands.

Thankfully, she ran into a group of MCO agents that do try to help, follow procedures, and make sure she's safe. The fear is still in the back of our minds, even as Monica gets escorted to Whateley by an agent that might seem a little too cold, but we do get that she's with good people, and she's getting helped on the right track.

Then in comes the mutant attack, and Monica's rescue on the bus. She doesn't try to stop the rampaging mutant, she doesn't leap into the fray, instead, she tries to rescue people, reduce collateral damage, and save lives. There's a bit of worry when one of the knights of purity tries to tell her to stop, but thankfully, he's not idiot enough to realize she's trying to save lives, and that comes first.

And... This is when I'll take a bit of time aside from the story, and mention that this seems to be a common theme with the Outcasts. Their intent very often is rescue and minimizing damage. Sure, in the sims, they try to beat the other teams, but very often, they'll make sure to save the bystanders rather than show off. That in itself, especially in this world, is commendable and you can look up to them and cheer them on.

But then we come up to the climax of the story as she arrives to Whateley, recognizes Crazy Joe (who was in his suit in TV, so probably unrecognizable), and then her sister through her eyes, and the reunion that we've been waiting for this whole story happens, and... We cut off with a time skip of the Kimbas mentioning what happened for a few weeks, as a second-hand account.

That is the big issue I have with the story.

The big buildup from the beginning of the story is how Monica wanted to find her brother, and be reunited. It's not the only point, no, but it was still central to the whole struggle. So we have a whole story to build this moment up, wishing they could meet each other once more through this whole struggle, knowing both of them wanted this, and... Nothing. Okay, maybe not nothing, but we don't really get a meeting either. We do hear they argue about keeping the secret from one another, and that she keeps to herself in Poe, but we don't get this moment of joy and reunion. It's a missed opportunity at a crucial moment. I know you could probably see most of the talking points coming, but it would have been so heartwarming to see and a good way to close this. I might have even accepted if it was developed in another story, but we don't.

That's the biggest issue I have with this story.

I'm still happy to have read it though. It's been a good introduction to Anomaly, and I just wish there was more to it.

But honestly, JG, I've really liked reading what you've written, and I look forward to more. It's been entertaining, with plenty of tension and emotions. A bit different from the norms, a bit more angry at times, yet also silly and funny. I'm glad you've been back and more active. Keep it up. ;3

First: Thank you for taking the time to read these and give your take on them. I tend to agree that it really does feel like there is a missing story between Small Mercies and Siblings and Savages or what ever story came next in the rota. Now I'm having trouble finding them and remembering the titles. Just that as Polk mentions that I find the end of Small Mercies to be abrupt, then we see a large gap between it and the next story that is supposedly in the series. It is also somewhat hard to place exactly where the Book of Darwin falls in the whole Outcast Corner scheme of things. Obviously before we see Matt/Monica rejoin the family as a runaway, but still there feels like there ought to be some connecting stories that are not yet written maybe?